Waiting for It?

No essays or writing experiments this time- sorry. It's all me this time, folks, since attempting to go about my business and live my life is just.. never.. good enough. So, by popular demand, I'd say the bitch is back. Miss me?

I'm tired of explaining myself. Explaining, finding justification for, life. It is what it is, and that's honestly the best way to describe anyone's life. I'm tired of worrying what repercussions will come from making memories and sharing them with my friends and family- because there is one, every time. I'm tired of taking shit and keeping my mouth shut- whatever life is, it isn't a game. Mine isn't anyway, and my kids' lives aren't either. I'm tired of it being ok for everyone else in the free world to do and say whatever they want- to stick their nose in, stir the pot or nudge someone else to... and there isn't supposed to be anything coming from it? Especially when keeping my mouth shut and being uninvolved with dramatics is apparently not good enough, because then it has to increase, or change course. But, if I really think about it, I don't have to say a lot. I really don't- it isn't as if I'm fighting the tide. No one is blind... or at least, not anymore. The last couple of months have opened a lot of eyes, and not from being angered or stressed, or having something to prove... you see a lot when you pay attention.

Now it's time to deal with this idiot school, again. Because of drama, because of stress, because of things I've sat back and been quiet about, things I've attempted to let “run their course”- well, it has run its' course. The fact that I'm having to go rounds again with the same people who were so bound and determined to isolate my kid last year... I'm done with this. No one isolates or upsets my kids. You aren't messing with their minds, their emotions, their balance. It just isn't happening- not while I'm steering the ship. And you can call me a bitch, you can think what you want to- it really doesn't matter. Yep, I'm horrendous. We are just awful! We're so horrible that our kids are well mannered, well liked and praised everywhere they go. Our two older kids are on the honor roll and mostly enjoy school. They are friendly, personable and the only issues we have ever had stem from our son's behaviors and patterns due to his autism. My oldest daughter is a teacher's helper, and has never been even reprimanded in school- when it comes time for conferences, I get a note, every time, stating she is doing so well I don't need to come in. They have friends, they have family who love and appreciate them. Our toddler is bright, engaging and right on schedule. She's friendly, outgoing, and thinks that everyone is her friend- because everyone she is surrounded with, in her daily life, is a friend to her. They get in trouble and lose their privileges like any other kid.. they're kids, after all. They fight and cry, yell, scream, run their mouths and there are days when I can't wait for bedtime. We have the typical issues- cleaning up after themselves, no it doesn't matter how many times he/she looked at you, you can't punch him/her. It's typical. Life in this house is messy, loud, chaotic and at times insane. Hell, I'm messy,loud, chaotic and at times insane- I'm a mother. It's part of our job to be all those things- if we didn't learn to bend, as well as learn as we go, we'd mess it up even more than we're bound to already. We make mistakes with them, and we learn from it. But the important part is we teach them- we give them the cushion they need to know that when they fall, however they fall, their mother is standing right there with them. I won't always agree with them, but I will support them. To do any less... what's the point of having a child if that, too, is conditional?

You know how I spend my day? In between apparently pissing people off and being so awful I mean? Tell me if it sounds familiar to any of you. My day never really “begins” because, as a parent, your days never really “end.” Putting them to bed doesn't mean it's over- there are bathroom trips, drinks, nightmares, upset stomachs.. you name it, it happens. Usually in the middle of the night. I think it's possible only after midnight for a child to actually get hit with a bug- they feel fine all day, go to bed and then WHAM! So you sleep with one ear open, always. And, as someone who “doesn't work”, I sure do sit around on my ass a lot- in between doing the laundry, getting snacks and meals, cleaning up after animals and a two year old all day, then three kids and the same animals at night. It's housework, homework, wrangling them for showers, backpacks, finding toys, dirty socks... I am the chef, the waitress, the maid. I'm the doctor, the surgeon for injured toys as well as children. I'm the judge, the defense attorney, prosecution and jury at the same time. I'm the referee, the counsel, the conscience. I'm their audience, the co-star, the dress up buddy. Back up dancer, bubble blower, boo boo kisser. I'm the entire staff here, because of the hours he keeps. I have so much extra time on my hands, obviously. My day “ends” before eleven PM and I consider it a good day. And that's the norm- that's not meetings and issues, emails, phone calls, family, friends. I'm the plan maker, activities coordinator, bag packer, diaper changer, potty trainer. I am their Mother. I do my job. How I do it is obviously working- my kids are a perfect example of doing something right. And if they defend themselves against someone and that's an issue- they are a lot like their parents. They don't go out of their way to start anything- but they sure can finish it can't they?

I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being questioned, challenged, f'd with. And here it is, in plain English, black and white- I don't give a damn what the issue is, what he said, she said, so and so thinks, wants and feels. You don't live in this house, you don't pay these bills. You don't raise these kids, or share in this marriage, or this life in that way. Back off. Schools, people, phone calls, letters, drama, bullshit. It's not happening- I'm not putting them through any more shit, any more games. I have a kind heart, not a gullible one. There's a difference. And I'm done. I'm tired of getting slapped every time that other cheek is turned. Some things are changing, and some are staying exactly as they are. That's the beginning and end of it. All I'm trying to do is live my life with my family, with happiness and joy and memories they deserve- I suggest everyone else do the same..

No Apologies

I'm going to apologize one time for those that I may offend or upset with the things I say, and that's all.** I've done that enough, apologized or kept quiet. I've put my thoughts and feelings behind everyone else, I've attempted to keep from rocking the boat, upsetting the masses... and you know what? It makes me miserable. Because while I'm biting my tongue, you see it as acceptance. You see it as me being ok with however people speak to me, treat me, talk about me. You see it as ok that I'm there emotionally for whoever needs me when they need me, and when it's my turn, I'm handling it on my own.

I don't ask for help. But I learned a long time ago that the people who expect me to drop everything for them are usually not willing to do the same for me. So I bite my tongue, handle my own, and am just a little less inclined to be there the next time.

I think I must seem very unassuming. I seem accepting, almost a doormat, in the way I have lived my life. The last couple of months have shown me a lot about people, and most of it isn't surprising, but it's still hurtful just the same. I seem to be one of the few who just have to “suck it up”, “get over it”, and continue to put myself after everyone else, whatever situation arises. And there's something you seem to forget- I really don't have to. That's the beauty of it- you don't have to, and nine times out of ten, I wouldn't ask you to. I would never ask anyone to put themselves in the midst of something where they would be uncomfortable, or be treated badly and pretend that's it's ok and time to forget it. It doesn't work that way for you, so why does it work that way for me?

My life, needs, wants and feelings are no less than anyone else's. To behave as if they are is pretty selfish, I think.. and it's just not the way I'm doing things anymore. I don't want my kids growing up thinking it's ok for people to treat them like they are less than, that they are unimportant, or have to put up with being jerked around at someone's whim. Doesn't work that way. And when I see my daughter upset, or confused as to why she's been treated a certain way, it reminds me she is a lot more like me than it seems sometimes. And I want her to view it differently than I did. I don't want her to be the kid who gets called or hung out with when there's nothing else to do- that starts the ball rolling that gives people the permission to use you, put you on a shelf and take you down again when you have something to offer, or something they can use you for. She is second to no one, she has no reason to feel as if she needs to strive for acceptance... and therein lies the straw that didn't just break the camel's back, it put him in a coma.

I think I'm tired of waiting. There's always another shoe, another jerk, another hurt. That's life, even on the best days. But when you get so accustomed to the other shoe that you spend at least half your time waiting for it, then going quietly with whatever comes from it, it begins to build. Then it just keeps building, festering, until you explode. Until you are so consumed with everything and everyone else that all you feel is exhausted. You have your emotions invested in everyone's hurts, issues and angers... and your own are sitting there, waiting, just like you do.

I'm tired of being that person. I'm tired of feeling like I am here to appease everyone, to be spoken to and treated however people choose, and have no opinion. I'm tired of my children seeing the fallout, or paying for other people's mistakes and that being ok too. It's not, it never was, and it will never be ok for them to pay for anything. When that starts, everything else comes to a screeching halt.

It's time to push the envelope. I'm not waiting anymore. I'm not appeasing anymore. I'm not spending my time, emotion or energy on anyone who doesn't do the same for me. I'm not sucking it up, I'm not being treated badly and pretending I don't think you're an asshole, just to make it easy on everyone else. While I'm busy doing that, who is making it easy on me?

My children are my life, and they come first. They won't ever be set aside to appease. I won't apologize for this life, and I won't be made to feel as if I should. I won't apologize for my thoughts, or feelings. I'm going to challenge myself, every day, to stop talking and start walking. Actions speak a thousand times louder than words, and God knows when I speak, it goes unheard. It's ok for you to talk, to say whatever you want so it's ok for me too. I'm just as free as everyone else, and it's time I realize that, and time you realize that as well. I'm done telling you what you want to hear, putting on my game face and wondering the entire time why the hell I'm wasting my time. I owe it to my kids, to myself, to put my money where my mouth is, and teach them that they don't ever have to accept or settle for being anyone's settled for, in any situation. They never have been, why start now?

Today I will practice what I preach, I will let my actions speak louder, and I think it's going to be a challenge- but I have never walked away from one yet, have I? I've fought through more than one “impossible” situation, and I always come out swinging. I do a lot of it internally, but it gets done. I don't need a standing ovation for doing what I need to do- though an occasional acknowledgment would be nice.

One thing I have learned in life, for certain, is that you have to stand up. Anyone can sit by, and let it all pass along... but what for? Stand up and never back down from what you know to be true, what you know is right. Sure, you'll piss some people off, maybe lose a few “friends”... but if they were really your friends, you wouldn't have to worry about it in the first place, would you?

So, I'm going to stand. My legs may be a little wobbly, my back

bone a little out of practice. But it's time to stop waiting, and start doing. Stop holding out for when it gets easier, and start pushing the obstacles out of the way. The way I'm feeling right now is pretty cut and dry, and pretty simple- When it comes to my life, you are either in it, or in my way.

**This is what comes of bottling it up. There have been several situations lately that have popped up and several times I've bitten my tongue or sat on my hands so as not to say or type things I actually do mean, but would have said in ways I didn't mean them. So.. no more. And that's all I have to say on it at this point- No. More.

Hello 2010 ::)

I said I wasn't going to write a “wrap up” of 2009, and I'm still not planning on it. This year has seemed... bigger than about twelve months, more than just about this year. Sounds odd, doesn't it? But it is the best way I can describe it.

2009 was the year of searching, looking back through several years, emotions, experiences and questions. And finding answers, even when we didn't want to, even when it seemed that the solutions were harder to handle than the issues. This was the hard one, the big one. This was the boogeyman, the unmentionables, the upside down. This was about digging through all the muck, dropping pride and defenses at the door, and wading in. This was the year that counted, the one that may not have rewritten the book, but it sure did change the chapters in front of us. And look- we are all still standing here. Our hair may be a little tousled, but we're all in one piece. In fact, if you look a little closer, there's just that much more light in our eyes.

Life isn't about being “right”. It really isn't, as much as we'd like it to be sometimes. It's not about being better than, having more. It's about just being better. Giving more, being more.... it's about being right with who you are, and the decisions you have made, the life you are building. And it's about admitting when you aren't right with those things, being big enough to recognize the changes in you that need made, and taking the steps to make them. That's a hard thing, I'll tell you right now. That's the hardest thing you will ever do, and you'll hate it.... but it's worth it to find some shred of light, of peace, at the end of the road.

I have learned a lot about the people in my life this year, about the people they are and why. That's where it is for me- the why. The who you are because of how you got here. It fascinates me, draws me in... and it gives you a different take on things. You have to walk in someone else's shoes for a minute sometimes, to stop judging and see things from the other sides. Yours is only part of the story, you know?

I know some amazing people. I really am blessed, and I've come to see that every person in my life brings something to the table, brings it all together in a complex and unique mosaic that I really wouldn't change for anything else. I hope I'm bringing that, too, adding to rather than taking from. I'm working on it.

I think that 2010 is going to be an amazing year, the beginning of a really interesting journey. I'm ready for that, I look forward to it. I'm not making any resolutions, I'm simply going to go with it, as much as my over analyzing mind can, anyway, and let life... just... happen. It's going to anyway, there's no point in not enjoying it. We waste so much time on what if's, maybes... We worry ourselves sick trying to plan for every single possibility, and we miss out on the whole purpose OF possibility. That means you can do anything, be anything... if you just get out of your own way, that is. .

2010 is going to be the Nothing is Impossible year. Hmmm... I guess I DID make a resolution after all, didn't I? Oh well... I guess anything can happen, can't it? ;)

Stories

So, I'm sitting here with an open Word document, and somehow, the words are flying. There's a fresh pot of coffee in the kitchen, and at the moment, it seems that I could type for hours. I suddenly have so much to say, and it just won't stay hidden anymore.

I have to admit, hearing the sounds my fingers are making, flying over the keys with no hesitation (and hopefully very few typos), I feel such a sense of relief. Writing, good writing, clear writing, has been impossible for so long... it's like finally scratching that awful itch you can never quite get to. But, one day, your angle is just... right... and then... ahhhhh. Finally.

Sometimes, when you least expect it, there is a light that shines in your direction, when the road is dark and you feel that no matter where you turn, which direction you choose, it isn't the right one. There is always a choice, sometimes you are simply so blinded by all you're dealing with, thinking, feeling...it just seems there are no more choices. But then there's a word, a song, a paragraph, a voice. The the lights come on, sometimes slowly, sometimes all at once, and you think “Yes! There it is! How did you know?”

This year has been a very long one for me and those I love, in as many different ways as you could possibly think of. There have been amazingly great times, and amazingly awful ones- very little this year has made middle of the road. I kept waiting for it to, but it never quite found that stride. And in wanting it so badly, I lost mine too.

I've been fumbling for a long time, wondering, waiting, searching without any idea where I was supposed to be going. I know it's somewhere special, I know there is something I'm supposed to be doing, and this year, for the first time, I think I truly lost sight of what it had always been. Writing has been my lifesaver for as long as I can remember, and yet, I could barely string two sentences together. I think that took something from me, and finding it again was something I had to fight for. I've worked so hard to keep it all together that it all just... sort of fell apart.

I have to let go, of so many things, and doing that has been an uphill battle. But it has to go- all of it, the excess baggage standing there in the corner, weighing me down and keeping me from truly taking a step forward and getting on with the business of making a life worth retelling someday. Because if that isn't what I'm doing, every day, then what am I doing here?

Where is it coming from, this clarity? From a voice, of course. A paragraph, a phrase. A new blog that has touched me on a lot of levels and given me some insight that is long overdue.I'm Listening is more than just my mother in law's blog :). She has a voice and a way with words that reach pretty deep. Be sure and give her a read- you won't be disappointed.

I'm not going to promise to be back soon, or talk much about the coming year. I'm just going to do. I'm tired of talking about what I'm going to do, or want to do, or need to do. I want to talk about what I'm doing, what I've done, what's actually going on, and not going to be.

I want to tell you stories, fiction and non. But more than that? I want to listen to my children tell the stories someday, and be able to truly cherish what they are saying, what they remember, what I remember. Because a the end of the day, it isn't about the happy ending. It's all about the story.

School Daze :)

Yesterday was the first day of school here at Casa Diva. 4th grade for Miss Lyss, 1st for Jake. She, of course, was beyond thrilled to be going back- school is one of her favorite things on the planet. Where she gets it? No idea! LOL He was reluctant, and after last year, who can really blame him. But, we were positive and encouraging, preparing him for the changes in advance, and we made it into the building with him all smiles.

This year marked the year of Jonas in our house, in the form of backpack, lunchbox, T-shirt, notebooks and jewelry. I admit, I rolled my eyes, but as a protest formed on my lips, memories of a neon orange lunchbox, as well as a hot pink and turquoise backpack flashed before my eyes. I shut my mouth and watched her get that look-you know the one- and had to grin. If she's lucky, she'll grin like that about those boys in 20 years.

Jake went SpongeBob.. again. He's reliable with it, at least-he has had a SpongeBob backpack every single year. But he likes it, and who needs an argument over that? It makes him happy, it makes us happy. And he's always eager to show off the new one. LOL

We got a note today that Jake is in the first grade regular class FULL TIME! That is HUGE, and something I had expected to happen later in the year, or maybe when pigs flew, to be perfectly honest. LOL But it marks a change, in the way he is seen and the attention that is paid. And? Not only is he in the regular class full time, he is in the class with the kids who are further along academically. That proves something to me- what he's capable of really isn't being ignored. Huge, huge steps. Both kids are happy and enjoying school, so far, and are excited about the things they're going to be doing this year. Major bonus, and something to give me a little room to take that deep breath I'm not finding these days.

Everything else... is still everything else. I wish I knew what to think, say, feel... I wish it were different, had been different, in a lot of ways. I always have. But it wasn't, it isn't, and it's very hard for someone like me to wrap my head around things happening as they are. Is it the right thing? Objectively, I can say absolutely. As a mom, a wife, a woman, complete with all those emotions... I honestly don't know. I have a lot of things on my mind, and I don't trust a lot of my feelings, or anyone elses'. No one is 100% selfless. No one in this particular situation is 100% open. And I don't say that with malice, I say that with my own hesitation and an understanding of everyone elses' involved. But I also know that everything happens for a reason, and we are not in control, we are not the ones with the real plans. So, I may not put my trust in anyone else, but I'm laying it at His doorstep and saying, ok. I get it. I've asked for guidance, for signs, and I have to trust what I've gotten back. It really isn't about me. It's about being the person I'm needed to be, for my husband, my children, and the others involved.

Sorry it's been so long, but my head has really been elsewhere lately. Lots happening, lots going to happen, and not much I can say without the veiled crap I have to work with right now. LOL Add to it, the PC crashed and I'm on J's laptop-which i HATE, btw- until further notice. But, I'm going to hang around this time I think. At least for a minute ;)

How was back to school Internet? How's things?

Unsinkable Ships

I had a conversation this evening that I wish, now, I'd had ages ago. But like everything else, maybe it just wasn't time before. Maybe I needed, personally, to have the emotions I did and the thoughts that I did so that when everything started to unravel, or come together- it's all in how you see it, and some situations are both- it would all happen at the same time, piece by piece.

It's odd to think how one choice can change so many things, have an effect on so many things. And how, after awhile, you almost forget not to think of it. Or how when something major happens, the picture shifts just slightly, and you say ahh... ok... I get it.

There is a reason for everything. I have always said it, and while we may never fully understand the reasons, we will come out of it better people, if we just pay attention, listen and do the right thing. Even the things that seem impossible to hurdle- it happens when it should.

My house is calm. Like, for the first time we aren't holding our breath. I know it's confusing, but I can't explain things any other way right now. We are doing the right things, and we are seeing each other differently I think, or seeing what we used to maybe? Either way, like the negative, a positive vibe has a trickle effect. And while I'm a little unnerved by some of the details of life right now, it can't put a dent in it.

This is about us. All of us. This is the right thing. There is no choice but to do the right thing, no matter what... it's just getting to that point and no longer caring what other people may think, say or do to ruin it, stop it, stall it, or whatever. People are going to do what they choose- it's all in your reaction to them. That, at the end of the day, proves the kind of person you truly are.

This? Is about me. Is about my kids, my husband, my family. Our family. And you know what? It's long, long overdue.

Breaking the Habit

I keep opening my Word program, or coming here and clicking "Create"... then I just sit there. The paper in my Word program isn't touched. I type a couple lines here, get disgusted with it, and just move on to something else. When I'm not writing, there's a problem.

I have been shaking my head a lot the last two weeks at people. I've seen the ugliest sides of myself and have questioned myself, J, and everyone around me, about everything. I've wanted to step in front of my family, and at the same time I've wanted to throw my hands up and get the hell out of this neverending circus.

But that's what it comes back to. My family. My husband and my children, and doing what I have to for them, and for me, to be happy, and safe. I'm tired of our lives being twisted and turned because of things that happened years ago, situations that have never been handled properly, even now. But why should it be, right? Why should it ever be more than head games and pissing contests?

Want to know why? Because now I'm involved, and now my children are involved. There will be no more of the bullshit- my main priority actually is my kids, not myself. My worries are for them, my wants are for them... and when anyone attempts to dismiss that? Put them behind anyone else? That is the final step in this ridiculous, childish, dumb ass dance I've been watching ever since J and I got together.

So, cross your fingers for us, Internet. Pray for us, our family... all of it... as we make some choices and some changes, and shift a balance that has never been really on our side. Life isn't a game. Childrens' lives, especially. Maybe it's time some people learned that.

Summer Fling

Hey there Internet! How's the summer been treatin' ya? How was your 4th? And wow, you look so tan! And your hair.. don't tell me, but I know you've done something different with it... lookin' good, Internet, lookin' good!

Summer has been a madhouse over here at Casa Diva. My blogging is almost non existent, and it crosses my mind at like, two in the morning, in an "oh, dammit, I didn't blog again..." sort of way. But there's not been a second to get down to it, really. From sun up to sundown, we are on the go. We're outside, we're running around... there's always something. I have maybe half an hour to update my Facebook or Twitter, and that's usually sporadic too.

I did want to take a minute, even though it's all over the blogosphere, all over the internet and media everywhere, to mention the odd amount of deaths in the last few weeks. Actors, musicians, athletes, TV personalities, all gone within what.. less than two weeks? Amazing. Sad, stunning and in some cases, almost earth shattering for some. It's been a very odd time, and more than once I've been almost afraid to check the news. Let's hope all are allowed to rest in peace, and that the families and loved ones of those gone will have the privacy to grieve that they deserve.

The summer so far has been a good one. Taylor is enjoying playing out more, and running around like crazy. She's starting to say a LOT, and still babbling that baby speak I think is too cute. I'm so not ready for her to grow up yet. She's at a good age right now. She's mimicking her sister, playing dolls with her, brushing each others hair.. just a lot of sweet little things that I hope they will continue to do. They definitely have a bond, whicxh I'm glad for. I worried that their age difference would make it hard for them to be close... was I ever wrong about that! They are inseprable. Alyssa has been teaching her to color, to play babies.. all the things I taught her to do, she's passing on to Taylor. And Taylor loves having a big playmate to boss around, LOL. She is, however, going to hit those Terrible Two's with a vengeance I think. She's starting to throw those little tantrums, when she's frustrated or not getting her way. Which I think is funny.. which really, REALLY pisses her off. I'm good like that.

Jake is still more of a loner, but he's been slowly opening up and being less timid in social situations. We survived a cookout with almost no meltdowns, and even then just a small one. All marks in the plus column. He's still developing his skills in the kitchen, and I'm telling you, the boy has a knack for it. He still wants to watch Emeril, and wants to someday own a restaurant of his own and cook on TV. He just loves it, and it is one of the few things that keeps his focus for an extended period of time. He loves food- cooking, shoppiong or eating. He just absolutely loves food. And I'm encouraging that with all I have. If I could get him to let me record him, I'd definitely share it with all of you. He's awesome in the kitchen!

Lyss is in a creative phase. Cutting, drawing, making dresses and dolls, adding flowers and fabrics. She's making an entire paper doll villiage right now, and then will probably move on to decorating her room with collages of things she's drawing or getting from old magazines. It shouldn't shock me, I guess, because J and I both have very wide creative streaks. So having creative kids isn't too shocking- it's watching how it shows itself that's pretty cool. The intense, all out way Lyss sets out with these extravagant projects that take days, even a week or more.. She's got ten times the patience I do, that's for sure! She loves to do this stuff though, and I never had the skill for it, LOL. I can't cut a straight line, let alone doll bodies and houses, clothing and accessories. And I've shamelessly gotten her addicted to watching The Young and the Restless with me. I watched it with my mother some when I was growing up, and the characters are like coming home, in a lot of ways. She loves it and looks forward to sitting down and watching it off the DVR in the evenings. Heehee. She yells at the TV just like I do, LOL. It's funny to see her as shocked or angered as an adult over these things.

Speaking of Y & R... Phillip is alive! In Genoa City! He showed up at the 4th of July bbq at Katherine's place and stunned her, Jill, Nina and everyone else. Including me! LOL Anyone else out there watching?? What do you guys think of all the wacko storylines, bringning back old characters, or about the whole Sharon baby daddy thing? Yeah, I get into it.. I've known these stories almost my entire life- I was watching when Nicholas Newman was born, lol. And then suddenly became older than me... and yet, sort of my age... Gotta love aging the kids in Soap Land..

Anyway, that's my summer so far. Kiddos and sunshine, an occasional get together, hanging out in the yard with friends and just soaking it up. And of course, a trip to Genoa City at the end of the day.... What about you? Tell me about your summer?

Unleashed

**Warning** This may not be PG. This may not be PC. This may cause me to lose readers, gain readers, or cause nothing at all. This is what I've been talking about- the start of something different.

I'm sitting here with a glass of wine (**gasp**, she drinks!!) contemplating things that you can't even imagine, Internet. The carpets are shampooed, the kids are fed and bathed, the cats are sleeping, playing... you get the drift. My shit is together, right now. And yet... it isn't.

I've been thinking a lot about compassion, tolerance, acceptance, etc., the last few weeks. As the parent of a child with special needs (for you newbies, my 7 year old son has autism, and Early Onset Bipolar Disorder) you come across a LOT of ignorance, intolerance and outright cruelty. It's almost expected with other kids- kids can be mean, especially when another child is different. When it's NOT a kid is when I have a problem. Ignorance breeds ignorance, and unfortunately, there is a lot of that where we are. Blame lack of education (look it up), misinformation (ask me) or fear (it's not contagious, asshole)- but it's still wrong. My son has been called "a crazy", "goofy", "dippy" and more words that I can't even bear to put down here. By adults. That have children. Who live in my neighborhood. Where is the compassion?

I have a friend who was in a severe car accident on her way to work as a nurse in an assisted living facility. There was over $10,000 worth of damage to her vehicle (she was hit by a large truck). She was treated for cervical strain, given medications and follow up visits, and could barely move her neck arms or back for a week. She was fired for missing work- on the day of the accident. The company is now fighting unemployment. After firing her, causing her to lose her insurance and adding stress to an already devastating situation. She is a single woman raising a toddler. Who does such a thing? Where is the compassion?

When did we stop thinking outside ourselves? When did it become so "me, me MEEEE" that it's impossible to look at another human being-even a stranger- and realize that unless we live in their homes, walk in their shoes, and deal with their issues every single day, we have no idea what we're talking about, or doing, when we point our self righteous fingers and call ourselves "better"? No one is better. No one. We all got here the same way, and we will all make the same exit. Who we are inside is what counts-that's where your beauty lies- and I've seen a lot of ugly people lately, when it comes to having the heart to take a minute and just be kind. Or decent. Or even humane.

I'm not innocent here, either. I've been judgmental, I've been hateful... we all are at times. We're human. But it astounds me the lack of genuine compassion that there is anymore. We're so busy, so focused on ourselves that we don't look left or right to lend even a smile when someone is down. And that Internet? Sucks.

That sort of thinking leads me down some roads I didn't plan on taking. Confused? Join the club. I want to make a difference, I want to see change... and those things start at home. I'm getting my house in order, taking stock of choices, chances and changes. Some need to be made. Not on a whim, not for a minute... some need to be made. Starting with me. I need to look outside myself, my fears, wants, needs... some things cannot be about me. No matter how I want them to, they just can't.

I want my kids to be compassionate, respectful, and open to everything. I want them to see the world as an adventure- I want them to be excited to learn new things, meet new people, and to see "different" as something special. I want them to accept responsibillity for their actions, and to realize they can't conrtol anything but themselves. I don't want them to see labels, ever. I don't want them believing for a second that they're better than anyone- or that someone is strange because of belief, race, or who they love. Acceptance. We really are one world... why can't we teach our kids that? Different makes it interesting.

I know. A lot of rambling thoughts that may not really mesh, but they do, for me. And I hope in some ways they do for you. Who are we to say anything about anyone else? We all have our skeletons, our vices, and our pasts. Today. Today is what matters. We can't change what has been, but it's on us what will be.

Now, the question is- which way do you want to go?

School's (Almost) Out For Summer!

Alyssa announced somewhat gleefully to me the other day that there are around 11-12 school days left until they are out for the summer. I'm already in summer mode, so I'm ready. We're going to be busy, that's my goal. We're going to have many adventures, this summer, and crash out at night happy about the day and excited for the next. We're going to get sunburnt and tan, drink Kool-Aid and eat cold fruit salads and sandwiches. We're all going to run barefoot and just enjoy every moment of it. I LOVE summer. Until August. By then we're all too hot, too tired, and ready to get back to school. But until then, it's party time!

I have a couple recipes up at my other blog. I'm having fun with it, looking through old recipes, finding new ones, tweaking things. I may head into more summer friendly recipes, but right now I'm adding some of the favorites and regulars here at our house. Keep a lookout, you may find something you like!

The IEP meeting for Jake's next school year was yesterday, and I feel better about things than I did. He has been placed in the first grade, and the over all goal for the school year is permanent placement in a "regular" classroom for second grade. His teachers and therapists seem on the same page as I am, and really, that's all that matters to me. That we are his team, working toward the same goals. I don't want to feel as if I'm the enemy because I want what is best for my child. But, I'll play that role if I absolutely have to, know what I'm sayin? Either way- I'm confident and content with it. And plan on trying NOT to worry about it over the summer!

What are your summer plans? I have a couple things up my sleeve.... do you?

Ya Know it's Monday...

Happy Mommy's Day to all the super moms out there. a little late (as usual) but I was with my family all weekend doing a whole lotta nothing and enjoying every minute. LOL I hope all of you were pampered and spoiled this weekend, lavished with homemade cards and stories that you will keep forever, and didn't have to lift (barely) a finger!

I have to tell you, I am so excited by one of my gifts this year- I finally got the stand mixer I've been drooling over for awhile now. I've had hand mixers, and a wooden spoon, but now that I'm baking and cooking so much more, trying new recipes, making my own as I go, this will make life sooo much simpler! And who doesn't want simpler, really? I think I'd marry the thing if I could- all twelve speeds of it. Wait.. that sounded... eh. Well. Moving on....

The mixer came with a recipe disk. This is where it gets more exciting. For me. It's filled with easy cakes, cookies, frostings, etc... and everything but the frosting starts with a cake mix. There's a how to, there are photos, and you can make your own recipe book, add your recipes, pics, etc. I'm in heaven over here with it all. And I now know how to make bunny cakes, cat cakes and sandcastle cakes. Seriously, diagrams are a must- I'm craft-impaired. I may end up with a deformed rabbit cake, but I'm planning on trying, because stuff like that is so fun to do with the kids. And then you can blame them if it looks funny... LOL!

I'm going to start taking more pictures as I do cook, and posting more- it's a promise. I'm committing to more posting, more pics and more recipes. Except my lasagna- never will I share that, it's my secret weapon. It goes up there with the rest of my arsenal, and is off limits. Everything else is up for grabs. Be forewarned, though- I'm not a gourmet chef. I'm not going to make a rack of lamb here, guys. But I can give you easy, inexpensive and very picky family friendly. And when I say picky, I'm not exaggerating- my kids are PICKY. Alyssa won't even eat pizza or peanut butter. I can't make things without sneaking things in, and I've learned that spices and seasoning are my best friends.

So, that's all. I'm rolling some ideas around in my head, and we may be looking at a more domestic not so domestic. But, I'm going to be doing it with the music blaring and a glass of wine in hand, probably with a sink full of dishes and kids running wild. So.. not too much is changing. ;)

Stay tuned... the party is just starting!

And Then, Her Head Exploded

I sometimes sit back and listen to the kids talk, and wonder how it's possible for things to change so much in, what seems to me, so little time. And then I wonder- has it changed that much, or are you just seeing it that way because you're the parent now, and the things you know are a lot different that the things you knew when you were their age? Personally, I think it's a little of both. Times have changed, definitely, but now it's my time to worry and wonder, to plan and prepare so they're happy, healthy, safe... because they won't worry about those things. At least, they shouldn't.

I do think I'm more open with mine, in a lot of ways, than my mother was with me. Nothing is taboo, they can ask me anything, and ooooh, do they. LOL And honestly? I'd rather be the one answering with age appropriate responses than have the kid at school, or on the bus, or down the street, explaining things that are either extremely inaccurate, or right on, but REALLY inappropriate and scary (to me, LOL).

We covered the first "boyfriend" issue when Alyssa announced she was dating someone. And of course, dramatically broke up a couple days later. I love it, though... dating? Really? You're nine. But I remember how serious it was for me at that age... because everything is SO over the top make or break at that age. It's all drama, all the time, raising a girl, it seems. I don't remember being so... moody? Mouthy? Know it all? In charge? Secure? In touch with exactly who I was and how it would be? I admire her so much, when I'm not wanting to tape her mouth shut. :) We're growing in a new direction, my girl and I. She's gotten to a stage, already, where you can watch what she does and just see, so clearly, the woman she's going to be. And oh, man, what a woman she'll be. Strong, smart, independent, and ... every single thing I'm not, combined with some of the best of who I am. She takes no shit, and can give it back twice as hard. She has her course charted without even realizing, without even trying. She's NINE. It's humbling, to think that somehow, some way, she's become this wonderful person, in part because of me. And I'm thankful that Taylor has such an absolutely amazing sister to look up to and learn from. And even more so that their bond is already beyond unbreakable.

At the same time, I'm also getting the idea of the teenage years. Um, no thanks? Can we pass on it, because oh my God she's a terror already when she wants to be. She's stubborn and snappy, already has "oh my GOD!", eye rolls, sighing, stomping and slamming aced, and we haven't even touched on the want of the coveted cell phone. No, no and again, after almost six months of hounding, NO. I'm not one of those moms who thinks every kid needs a cell phone. If she walked to or from school, if she did any activity that I wasn't either at with her, or didn't give MY number to any and all people in charge? Yes. If she had a condition, if she was home alone, if I worked... there are a million good reasons for some kids to have cell phones. Mine does not have a good reason, other than "I want one."

I think they want too much too soon, which is typical, and I'm glad for it. But, being the adult, I now understand that they want too much without knowing or comprehending the dangers that can come with having it all too soon. Because not everyone is a good person. Not everything is safe to do. Not everything is as easy as you think. And some of that will come slowly, with time, while some of it will hit like a freight train, and as much as I want to shield them, I can't. Not from all of it. But, it will make them, shape them, change them... and they'll need that, too, whether they believe it or not.

Speaking of "need"? Remember the pregnant cat I posted about? Yeah. She stopped coming around for awhile, and then came back around, no longer pregnant. I assumed she'd had the babies, and was hiding them somewhere, and didn't shoo her from the food we keep on the porches (our cats go and and out, so there is always food/water available). I figured she'd need the nourishment to feed the kittens, had they survived.

They did. As far as I know, she had 3 or 4. Two of them? Are now residing in Taylor's old playpen, in dining/kitchen area. I know, I KNOW, believe me I know. But what can you do? They fit in the palm of my hand, were sitting out there, and meowed soooo pitifully. And I'm a sucker. They're the oddest color combos, too- black, gray, reddish tiger striped with one obviousy leaning toward calico. Adorable. And I'm a sucker. :) One of them has little white paws (Lyss named her Kali- short for "calico" but different,LOL) and is timid and follows the other one's lead. The other one... is bad. And of course, the one I like best. LOL But, they are both healthy and playful, eating solids, surprisingly, and shunning milk or mushy food. And I? Am a sucker.

It's time to gear up for another IEP meeting. I don't even really have anything for you on this right now only it's almost that time again, and my wants for him still stand firm. He needs to be challenged, to know there are consequences for every action, and you need to choose those actions wisely, and he needs to be with children his own age. Why? Because Jake imitates. He mimics the children around him a LOT, and if he is with his peers, his age group, he will fall in line with what they're doing, how they interact and play. If he is with a special ed group of kids varying in age, he'll mimc their behaviors. That's not a positive, and it regresses him, behaviorally and academically. He needs integrated. Period.

Taylor is talking. Sort of. She's now saying "kitty" and "car", "yeah", "yay" and "hey"- which is usually said like this "heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey!" at the top of her lungs. All these words in a span of three days! To add to the rest of her vocabulary. She has also realized that Mom means business and Dad will usually let her get away with just about everything. Typical. She's growing so FAST. Still cutting teeth, but now wearing ponytails and getting bruises and scrapes on her knees and making me gasp a hundred times a day- in fear, usually, as she attempts a stunt that I just KNOW will injure her. LOL

There's not much else happening, just a lot of watching them grow and wondering what's up ahead. It's comforting, seeing them making good choices and growing with a firm sense of who they are and what they're made of. But it's also comforting when I'm the one they still come to for the hurts, the curiosity and everything in between. I hope that never changes. That is something, maybe the one thing, worth anything else.

Blerrrgh

Long time no see.. again. I know. It's been awhile since I really felt like I had much to say, and it seems like the hours in a day are becoming less and less. The kids have less than 40 days left of school, and honestly, I'm relieved. Then maybe we can relax, have more time, maybe even have some fun. Between school, holidays and this weather being so back and forth, it feels like all any of us have been doing is putting in time and wondering where the day went.

Alyssa has her state testing coming up, for Math and Reading, so we've been trying to do a little here and there to ease the panic she's feeling about that. I think they pressure these kids way too much at a young age- I remember taking these tests every year and not really being too concerned over them. But, I also don't remember feeling like I'd be a total failure if I didn't do well... and I think that how kids do on these particular tests is different than how they do in school, or on the regular tests and quizzes they have on the stuff they're learning daily. Every kid develops at his or her own pace, they learn differently, retain information differently.... and some kids put themselves under a lot of pressure to do it all "right", and end up doing poorly because they were so worried about just that. So, there's been a lot of talking, of going over the state guides, and just reassuring her that she passed in the fall, she'll pass again.

I'm getting prepared for the end of year IEP for Jake, that will get things set up for next year. I have no idea what that will bring, because I don't feel we've worked as much of a team to meet the goals we set for him. They set the bar low for him... and to me, that gives him an excuse not to try, not to push himself. Set the bar high and we will find his strengths and weaknesses that way. I'm not saying he won't have limitations, because everyone has something they don't excel at, or they struggle with. The key is letting him find it, and giving him the tools to be determined to push himself. If it's so easy he never struggles, he will have no clue how to handle it when something is too hard, you know?

Easter was good. Lots of plastic eggs, LOL, lots of candy. The Bunny did good this year, and the kids had a great day. I managed to come down with some monster cold and have been sick for over a week now... I haven't felt this miserable in a long, long time. It started as a cold and cough and now we've progressed to aches and fever, chills and all that fun stuff. I just can't shake it and it's driving me nuts! I hate being sick, I hate taking medicines, and I hate waiting for it to g away. I'm a bad patient, but I also just don't have time to feel so lousy and still keep motivated. But I managed to keep the worst at bay until after the holiday, which I'm glad for. Now I'm just praying no one else comes down with it! I'd rather be sick than have the kids down with it.

Not much else has been going on. I've been hibernating a lot, spending a lot of time with the kiddos and planning for summer and for the next school year. I've had a case of the "blahs", which could have been this bug coming on, or could have been the dreary weather, who knows? I need the sun, that's for sure! And I haven't gotten to see a lot of it lately- April showers and all that fun stuff. :)

I hope all of you had a terrific holiday, spring break, however you celebrate it. And I hope everyone's healthy and enjoying a little bit of the spring weather, if you can!

A Cleansing Breath....

AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

OK, that works SO much better than a deep breath. For me, anyway. I've been taking a self imposed hiatus from the net lately, mainly because we've been battling these God awful chest colds that seem to have no intention of going anywhere, and by the time the rest of my coughers are asleep, I want nothing more than a hot bath, hot tea and bed.

But, I've also been spending more time just being, you know what I mean? Doing things, little things, to make things easier. Someone has to. And it's started to make things run a little more on the even keel I've craved and not had for so long. So, if that means less time online, I'm all for it.

But I do miss you, Internet. Not like I thought I would maybe, but I do. I'm not abandoning you, I'm just taking more time to balance what I need to and reconfigure some of the aspects of life that weren't working. Or were, but not the way they could be. And I need to figure out how much of that is me, then go from there.

Miss Lyss had a birthday last week, so there's a birthday post coming, I promise. Pics and all :) She got a few things she really wanted and I made her a chocolate cake that went over so well, she didn't want a bakery cake for her get together this weekend. She requested homemade again... made my day!

We are having some struggles with Jake and school again, so please keep your fingers crossed for the next little while. Nothing like before, but some behavior issues and ups and downs that are starting to keep things from being as balanced as they were. I'm stressin' here, on a lot of levels, and I'm not sure where to go with it, you know? Writing about it helps, but there's so much that can't really be said, either because I can't find the words, or I can't put some things out there. So, just think of us, would ya? On all levels.

I may post sporadically for the next little bit, but I'm not going anywhere. I just need some time to get my mind right (ha) and doing that isn't as easy as I want it to be. But, the best things don't come easy, and I'm not one to back down when I'm facing a challenge. Even a self imposed challenge. So, bear with me and keep checking back. I'll be around!

Tantrums and Teeth Marks

OK, we're finally back in business! Seriously, when it rains, it pours. Cliche, I know, but oh so true! Things are finally looking up... did I mention finally? LOL

It's going to be 60 today, for starters~ yay! Windows are open, there's fresh, spring like air-complete with that rainy day smell- drifting through the house, airing it out. I hate having to be closed up through the winter. I think that no matter how you clean, light candles, etc., there's just a closed up smell that happens. Nothing beats the fresh air.

We got a new keyboard, which was a desperate need. Some of the keys were going crazy (I think someone spilled something on it... could have been coffee, maybe... but there is no proof of that, ok? Don't judge me.) and backspace was deleting paragraphs rather than letters or words.... it was a disaster. When it took me almost an hour to send an email, I was done with it. Blogging would have been ridiculous, and I'm sure I'd have used some very colorful language in the process. I have enough reason to do that, soooo... new keyboard, blogging.

Taylor is getting over a killer cold, and still cutting teeth. Molars this time. She's chewing on everything, which is a step up from chewing and snotting on everything, LOL, but she has started to chew on me. She hasn't figured out the whole biting, tantrum, bratty kid angle- she just wants to gnaw on everything. Including my arms, shoulders, neck.... the kid is a vampire. She HAS figured out the tantrum, but she's also realizing that I know the difference between the "oh my God I'm in pain/scared/sick" crying, and the "I want my way and want it NOW" wailing. Been there, done that kid, ok? Save it for someone who hasn't had two other toddlers.

I've always handled tantrums pretty much the same way. Once you can tell they aren't going to hurt themselves/someone else, I pay no attention whatsoever. I pick up a book, magazine, pretend to flip channels and watch TV... anything to show I'm not buying it. Of course, I'm watching out of the corner of my eye, but that worked wonders for Alyssa at that age. At first, it doesn't seem as if it will, because ignoring them? Reeeeaaallly pisses them off. But they do learn to calm down, which is a good thing. They do learn they won't get anywhere that way, which is better, and eventually, they no longer bother. I learned this with a LOT of trial and error, after figuring out that Alyssa did not have some exotic toddler disease that caused kicking, throwing herself around erratically and screaming as if someone had cut off a limb- she was simply pissed off. At me. Go figure...

That's only at home, though. I'm not ignoring a screaming kid in public. I'm also not pacifying my screaming child (or anyone else's, frankly) by giving in. I'm not that mom. I'm all for kids being able to express themselves and their feelings- good, bad, in between. I'm all for hearing why they disagree with me, or helping them to figure out how to handle situations, etc. I'm not for the freedom of expressing yourself by being an ass in the store. I've seen kids throwing tantrums in carts, in clothing racks, screaming, kicking, even cussing parents. And the parent gives in, gets them the toy, or whatever else the issue is about. ???? Uh.. yeah. THAT's helpful.

I know there are extreme cases, I know there are special needs kids (have one, remember?) and I've learned (the hard way) how to deal with Jake and possible outbursts in public. I've also learned to schedule trips out around things so there's less chance my kid(s) were/are going to lose their shit in the middle of the checkout or something. Don't take a hungry, tired or ill toddler out and expect them to sit serenely as you wander leisurely through aisles. Not happening.

I'm not an expert, but I always have the essentials. Never leave home without something to play with, drink, or snack on. Take a change of clothes and wipes, diapers/pull ups- the one time you don't? Your kid will projectile vomit, twice, in the middle of the Halloween display and you will want to crawl into a hole in the floor. Just a hypothetical, though.....

I think a lot of times, once they realize certain things, kids pull crap when we're visiting, on the phone, out somewhere, etc., because they honestly think we won't discipline them the same way, wanting to avoid looking like a "bad guy." I'd rather look like the bad guy than look like the parent with a spoiled brat kid, you know what I mean? I'm not threatening you with "when we get home"... dealing with it later? Pointless. Just deal with it, it won't happen as often. The kids need to see you the same wherever you are, you know what I mean? Again, learned the hard way, LOL.

It's different now that Alyssa and Jake older. Now it's more about taking away privleges than it is about "no" and slapping hands. I'm having to refresh my memory on toddlers, tantrums, all of that stuff. I'd forgotten how much I used to look forward to the afternoon naps, the bedtime routine, etc. I'd forgotten how many times you can say "no" in a day, or run to move them away from something they can't have... even though it is the ONLY thing in a room of toys they can't have, but want. I'd forgotten the way a toddler's lungs can keep going and going.. and going....

But I'd also forgotten the way it feels when they can finally hug you back, or laugh and jump around when they see you when they wake up. I'd forgotten the thrill of a new word or sound, or some other milestone that happened before you know it.

Yeah, it's busy, it's hectic and tiring. Frustrating too. I wouldn't trade it, though. This is the best right here, right now. Teeth marks and all.

Back to (Semi) Normal

**I am removing my previous post. I'm not changing my opinion, but my blog isn't supposed to be about the drama, it's about my life, thoughts and other stuff. Not shit that doesn't really matter. We all deal with/meet people we don't care for. I unfortunately handled it much like those I complain about. I apologize to my regular readers for sounding like a ten year old for a minute. Back to the regular stuff.



Finally, the weather seems to have calmed down. It left a fair share of damage behind though, and not just the ice and now slush on top of ice we're wading and driving through. In our county alone, there are over a thousand without power. We have shelters open for the people doing without, and I'm grateful we didn't lose more than the satellite for awhile. I cannot imagine trying to keep my kids sane in that sort of situation. Or myself. It's great that people are donating food and other items that are needed, though. It's pretty awesome when we can all band together like that, you know?

The kids went back to school today, on a delay, but still. They now have make-up days in summer, which sucks, but there was no working around this storm. We hit a Level 2 emergency and stayed there a couple days, and finally dropped to Level 1, but I don't think I've seen it quite that bad in a LONG time. When it was dark, it seriously looked as if the snow and roads were under a large piece of glass. There were no cracks or breaks, just a straight sheen of ice. It was pretty in a surreal way, but scary as hell when people you know are driving to and from work in it.

At least there's a semi normalcy happening again. We all had a major case of cabin fever, that's for sure. The kids actually wanted to go back to school... and I was more than ready for it. They spent most of last week bickering and picking at one another, and I felt like I was threatening, warning, or disciplining every five seconds. And wondering what it would be like to lock myself in the bathroom and let them finish each other off. Very, very tempting that.

Everyone seems in higher spirits, so I'll take that and run with it for now. Since it's forecasting snow for tomorrow... and Wednesday.... Keep your fingers crossed that it doesn't interfere with getting people's power back on! Or cause any more outages or damages... it's been ridiculous! Here's hoping for an EARLY sign of spring!!!!!

Everything, Nothing and In Between

I am interrupting the beginning of our regularly scheduled (ok, sporadically, when you least expect it, cause I'm too cool for schedules, if "cool" means held hostage by snowed in children) post to mention that today, I am filled with hope. There is change on the way for our country, hopefully positive. I feel it will be, but I'm not in the business of guaranteeing people will follow promises with action. Cause, seriously? My radar with that is sometimes waaaay off. But, I feel somewhat renewed. Whether you agree or not, like it or not, we did make some history with this election. I feel the right choice was made, I think that President Obama is the face of hope for a lot of people. To me it isn't about race, it's about the best person for a job. But, I do feel that by winning the election, Obama sends another message of hope to this country- anything can happen. In other words- "Yes, we can." Let's see what we take from this, and do with it. If we want change, we have to make change, too.

A change I'd like to make? To see some green outside. this white crap is killing me. When it's not in single digits, or negatives (which has just been so much fun!!!-do you hear the sarcasm? cause it's not dripping, it's oozing) it's snowing. When it's not snowing, it's a glare of ice. Today is the first day back to school with no delays, and it's snowing. I am shaking my head, squeezing my eyes shut and wishing for a beach somewhere.

But, I can wish for beaches all day long. Not happening. I will deal with this weather the way I have been (no, not by drinking! Why would you say such a thing?.....), and somehow survive the cabin fever without listening to that inner voice that pops up and says "THAT'S why Jack Torrance went crazy on his family...."

I have been cooking and baking a lot lately. Playing around with some recipes and adjusting them to be more versatile, more picky person friendly, and just mine. Mine in the way that whenever my kids eat it, they'll remember just how good their mom's such-and such tasted. I've made muffins, cookies, chicken parmesan, burger dip, lasagna, my knock off stroganoff, chili mac, my sloppy Joe, tuna noodle, and drinks that can be made virgin for the kiddos and add a little something extra for the adults to give some extra warmth. I've been busy. I've also been mixing and matching candle scents to make my own blend for my candle warmer. Basically, my house is always warm, filled with food and smelling yummy. I'm losing the "not so" part of my title here, people. Winter is domesticating me in ways I've never been domesticated before. I'm afraid, Internet. Hold me.

I started out doing it to prove a point, I think. That I **could** try new recipes and ideas without that stupid fear of failure. And I was GOOD at it- my kids enjoyed every single thing. even Alyssa, who is so picky I want to scream sometimes. The kid hates peanut butter. And pizza. And eight hundred other things. They liked the sandwiches I made up as I went, the casseroles and new meatballs and burgers... and I liked that for every new thing they tried, one more fast fix went out the door. You know you've spoiled them when your toddler turns her nose up at spaghetti-o's, and opts for your own pasta. Especially when spaghetti-o's were her favorite food. Heehee.

I'm enjoying this domesticity and that's weird! I've never really BEEN that way before- I mean, i cook, clean, all that good stuff, but there's been so much negative stuff that kept me from really trying to enjoy myself, in whatever I was doing. I've never truly taken pleasure out of creating things, because there was always something keeping me from really letting loose and just going wild with it.

I'm telling you- life really does begin at thirty. Because now I DO go wild with it, whatever it happens to be. And I figure it someone doesn't like it, they can kiss my ass and go on their way. Never thought of it that way before. Now that I do, it's a lot more fun! It makes for an easier day, I'll say that much. You worry soooo much less when you realize that no one, outside your own four walls, has an opinion that can make or break you. Even more when you realize that no one in those four walls does, either.

I've spent a lot of time cracking my own shell, and now I think it's finally just busted open and someone brand new has stepped out. It does make people look at you differently, having a confidence in yourself, a better posture, a better outlook. And it FEELS so much better. I'm a better person than I've been in a long, long time. and that makes me a better mom. I'll take it.... and accept the casualties that come with it. Sometimes, there's just no other way. Sometimes, there are no more roads left, and it has to be a brand new direction.

Anyway....

If you like to cook, bake, or just have the option, you should check out Tastebook. they have a really awesome selection iof recipes, you can make your own books, add photos, etc... there are a lot of options over there. I've got four little books started already, LOL. It's addiciting!

What about you, Internet? Favorite dishes? Faves you cook or someone cooks/has cooked for you? Things your family can't live without?

I Was Gone For a Minute....

Hey there Internet! Long time no see, right? Life has taken over here at Casa Diva, and by the time I can sit down to blog, it's usually close to midnight, and I'm too tired to think of anything to say. Or make sense of what I could say.

We're covered in snow right now, with more coming down. The kids return to school was short lived- they've had two snow days already with more on the way, I'm assuming. Jake caught a bug that had him soaking in a temp bath at midnight Thursday night, with me coaxing Tylenol and cold drink into him to get his temperature down from 103. That always scares me, when they have high fevers like that. for the most part, they don't. We're lucky that way; we barely ever see much higher than an occasional 101. But I'm paranoid when any of them get sick- Lyss has a not so happy history with tonsillitis, and Jake with upper respiratory infections, and pneumonia.

She had strep-tonsillitis frequently throughout preschool, kindergarten and first grade, and man that is miserable stuff. Antibiotics, steroids (the right side of her throat and neck would swell like she had swallowed a baseball), and a kid so miserable and in pain that getting a drink in her was like torturing her. The last time she had it, she lay on the couch and just sobbed. It was the most awful thing.

He's had pneumonia twice.. and I watch them all like hawks when they get the hint of a sniffle. I've relaxed enough now that a sore throat for her doesn't have me mentally preparing for a midnight trip to the ER, and a head cold for him doesn't have me plotting a strategy to force him to take his antibiotics. But I watch. They usually hate me when they're sick; I'm at them all the time with drinks, Popsicles, and anything I can think of to keep them hydrated.

The snow has made things insane, though. The grocery store is constantly restocking, people are everywhere (you know, you need seven hundred rolls of toilet paper and all the milk you can shove into your cart, just in case... not to mention every single scented candle in Walmart....) We've had ice, then rain, then a "wintry mix"- all of which froze under the first thin layer of snow. Then melted a little during the day... and then froze again during the night. Repeat as necessary for days, and there you have it. Now the snow is pouring down, and I'm sensing either early dismissal or this being a one day back to school before a day or more off again.

Snow days right after a two week vacation? Makes kids cranky. And sick of being in the house. And with each other. And unable to speak without a whine in their voice, or a shriek when telling you, again, that their sibling has, again, looked at/touched/spoken to/walked past/sat next to/breathed on/smiled at/insert any and every single complaint humanly possible that will make one want to scream and yank their hair out here. And me? I'm all, "if you tell me one more thing? I'm going to pay him/her to look at you. For hours."

So.... yeah. By the time Iget five minutes to breath, I want to do it in a hot bathtub, or curled in a comfy chair with a blanket and a book. Or shaking and rocking in a corner, praying for Spring and no more snow days..... But, ya know, whatever.....

What's the weather like in your neck of the woods?

NYE Baby!

It's the last day of 2008 (duh). Resolutions anyone? And don't tell me you want to lose weight, stop smoking, eat better.... give me something besides those every year, broken after a couple weeks resolutions. I'm guilty of breaking some of those myself, as well as the cutting back on caffeine, junk food, etc. I've learned resolutions, much like rules, are made to be broken... or at least accidentally.

My resolutions? Since this last year has been one of the best I've had in a long time, and I think I've some out on the better side of things, emotionally, I'm going to stick with that. And keep moving forward. So, for 2009, it's all about laughing more, worrying less, and going with the flow. I'm going to take more pictures, go more places with my kids, and keep on this path I've started on. It's a good one, a healthy one, one I walked around and ignored for a really long time. It was like flipping a switch, though. Once the light was on, I couldn't turn it off. And now... now it's like it was always on.

That's not to say I'm Mary Sunshine, ok? I'm just more in the middle. The glass is half full. It really is, because even if it's half empty... it's equally full. Ya know? Perspective. And there are still plenty of days that are shitty, plenty of moments where I cry the ugly cry (every woman has an ugly cry, and if you've never seen one, consider yourself luckier than most people), when I scream and cuss and want to kick someone's ass. But I've learned those are moments that pass just like everything else. and hey, if you're mad as hell, you're feeling something, right? It takes passion to be that pissed off. It's when you can't find that passion anymore that there's a real problem.

Anyway. It's time to start a new year. I love it, the freshness of it, the "new beginning" vibe- kinda like that new car smell. Heh. It's a clean slate- 365 blank pages to fill however you choose. fill 'em with memories you'll enjoy looking back on. Seriously- get up every day with the intention of it being the best... it's all in the attitude, right? Right.

So, have a fantastic New Year's Eve, however you spend it. Be safe, whatever you do, wherever you go. Here's to the end of a wild ride.. and the beginning of the next!

And, seriously- did you think I'd slide out of 08 without it? Happy B-day, cutie pie. See ya next year!

From Our House To Yours

It's Christmas Eve! the cookies are made and ready for Santa, the stockings are ready to be filled. The New Year is just around the corner, and I'm excited to see what changes 2009 will bring. 2008 brought more than a few, that's for sure.

Tomorrow will be the flurry of wrapping paper, dinner (lasagna here for Christmas!) and that cozy feeling of "after"- you know the one. When it's all said and done, you can just sit back with a stretch and a long "ahhhh"... and finally relax a little. Enjoy the lights and the tree for a little longer, without that feeling of hurry, hurry, get it all finished...

I hope that your 2008 was all that it could have been (and still be!), and that 2009 hold a promise, a twinkle in its eye and a mischievous grin that it's going to be an unforgettable year. Happy Holidays from Casa Diva, whatever you celebrate. May your year end and begin surrounded by family, friends, hope and home. But most of all, with love.

Merry Christmas, Internet! ....

.. And, oh yeah- have a funky New Year :)