Waiting for It?

No essays or writing experiments this time- sorry. It's all me this time, folks, since attempting to go about my business and live my life is just.. never.. good enough. So, by popular demand, I'd say the bitch is back. Miss me?

I'm tired of explaining myself. Explaining, finding justification for, life. It is what it is, and that's honestly the best way to describe anyone's life. I'm tired of worrying what repercussions will come from making memories and sharing them with my friends and family- because there is one, every time. I'm tired of taking shit and keeping my mouth shut- whatever life is, it isn't a game. Mine isn't anyway, and my kids' lives aren't either. I'm tired of it being ok for everyone else in the free world to do and say whatever they want- to stick their nose in, stir the pot or nudge someone else to... and there isn't supposed to be anything coming from it? Especially when keeping my mouth shut and being uninvolved with dramatics is apparently not good enough, because then it has to increase, or change course. But, if I really think about it, I don't have to say a lot. I really don't- it isn't as if I'm fighting the tide. No one is blind... or at least, not anymore. The last couple of months have opened a lot of eyes, and not from being angered or stressed, or having something to prove... you see a lot when you pay attention.

Now it's time to deal with this idiot school, again. Because of drama, because of stress, because of things I've sat back and been quiet about, things I've attempted to let “run their course”- well, it has run its' course. The fact that I'm having to go rounds again with the same people who were so bound and determined to isolate my kid last year... I'm done with this. No one isolates or upsets my kids. You aren't messing with their minds, their emotions, their balance. It just isn't happening- not while I'm steering the ship. And you can call me a bitch, you can think what you want to- it really doesn't matter. Yep, I'm horrendous. We are just awful! We're so horrible that our kids are well mannered, well liked and praised everywhere they go. Our two older kids are on the honor roll and mostly enjoy school. They are friendly, personable and the only issues we have ever had stem from our son's behaviors and patterns due to his autism. My oldest daughter is a teacher's helper, and has never been even reprimanded in school- when it comes time for conferences, I get a note, every time, stating she is doing so well I don't need to come in. They have friends, they have family who love and appreciate them. Our toddler is bright, engaging and right on schedule. She's friendly, outgoing, and thinks that everyone is her friend- because everyone she is surrounded with, in her daily life, is a friend to her. They get in trouble and lose their privileges like any other kid.. they're kids, after all. They fight and cry, yell, scream, run their mouths and there are days when I can't wait for bedtime. We have the typical issues- cleaning up after themselves, no it doesn't matter how many times he/she looked at you, you can't punch him/her. It's typical. Life in this house is messy, loud, chaotic and at times insane. Hell, I'm messy,loud, chaotic and at times insane- I'm a mother. It's part of our job to be all those things- if we didn't learn to bend, as well as learn as we go, we'd mess it up even more than we're bound to already. We make mistakes with them, and we learn from it. But the important part is we teach them- we give them the cushion they need to know that when they fall, however they fall, their mother is standing right there with them. I won't always agree with them, but I will support them. To do any less... what's the point of having a child if that, too, is conditional?

You know how I spend my day? In between apparently pissing people off and being so awful I mean? Tell me if it sounds familiar to any of you. My day never really “begins” because, as a parent, your days never really “end.” Putting them to bed doesn't mean it's over- there are bathroom trips, drinks, nightmares, upset stomachs.. you name it, it happens. Usually in the middle of the night. I think it's possible only after midnight for a child to actually get hit with a bug- they feel fine all day, go to bed and then WHAM! So you sleep with one ear open, always. And, as someone who “doesn't work”, I sure do sit around on my ass a lot- in between doing the laundry, getting snacks and meals, cleaning up after animals and a two year old all day, then three kids and the same animals at night. It's housework, homework, wrangling them for showers, backpacks, finding toys, dirty socks... I am the chef, the waitress, the maid. I'm the doctor, the surgeon for injured toys as well as children. I'm the judge, the defense attorney, prosecution and jury at the same time. I'm the referee, the counsel, the conscience. I'm their audience, the co-star, the dress up buddy. Back up dancer, bubble blower, boo boo kisser. I'm the entire staff here, because of the hours he keeps. I have so much extra time on my hands, obviously. My day “ends” before eleven PM and I consider it a good day. And that's the norm- that's not meetings and issues, emails, phone calls, family, friends. I'm the plan maker, activities coordinator, bag packer, diaper changer, potty trainer. I am their Mother. I do my job. How I do it is obviously working- my kids are a perfect example of doing something right. And if they defend themselves against someone and that's an issue- they are a lot like their parents. They don't go out of their way to start anything- but they sure can finish it can't they?

I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being questioned, challenged, f'd with. And here it is, in plain English, black and white- I don't give a damn what the issue is, what he said, she said, so and so thinks, wants and feels. You don't live in this house, you don't pay these bills. You don't raise these kids, or share in this marriage, or this life in that way. Back off. Schools, people, phone calls, letters, drama, bullshit. It's not happening- I'm not putting them through any more shit, any more games. I have a kind heart, not a gullible one. There's a difference. And I'm done. I'm tired of getting slapped every time that other cheek is turned. Some things are changing, and some are staying exactly as they are. That's the beginning and end of it. All I'm trying to do is live my life with my family, with happiness and joy and memories they deserve- I suggest everyone else do the same..

School Daze :)

Yesterday was the first day of school here at Casa Diva. 4th grade for Miss Lyss, 1st for Jake. She, of course, was beyond thrilled to be going back- school is one of her favorite things on the planet. Where she gets it? No idea! LOL He was reluctant, and after last year, who can really blame him. But, we were positive and encouraging, preparing him for the changes in advance, and we made it into the building with him all smiles.

This year marked the year of Jonas in our house, in the form of backpack, lunchbox, T-shirt, notebooks and jewelry. I admit, I rolled my eyes, but as a protest formed on my lips, memories of a neon orange lunchbox, as well as a hot pink and turquoise backpack flashed before my eyes. I shut my mouth and watched her get that look-you know the one- and had to grin. If she's lucky, she'll grin like that about those boys in 20 years.

Jake went SpongeBob.. again. He's reliable with it, at least-he has had a SpongeBob backpack every single year. But he likes it, and who needs an argument over that? It makes him happy, it makes us happy. And he's always eager to show off the new one. LOL

We got a note today that Jake is in the first grade regular class FULL TIME! That is HUGE, and something I had expected to happen later in the year, or maybe when pigs flew, to be perfectly honest. LOL But it marks a change, in the way he is seen and the attention that is paid. And? Not only is he in the regular class full time, he is in the class with the kids who are further along academically. That proves something to me- what he's capable of really isn't being ignored. Huge, huge steps. Both kids are happy and enjoying school, so far, and are excited about the things they're going to be doing this year. Major bonus, and something to give me a little room to take that deep breath I'm not finding these days.

Everything else... is still everything else. I wish I knew what to think, say, feel... I wish it were different, had been different, in a lot of ways. I always have. But it wasn't, it isn't, and it's very hard for someone like me to wrap my head around things happening as they are. Is it the right thing? Objectively, I can say absolutely. As a mom, a wife, a woman, complete with all those emotions... I honestly don't know. I have a lot of things on my mind, and I don't trust a lot of my feelings, or anyone elses'. No one is 100% selfless. No one in this particular situation is 100% open. And I don't say that with malice, I say that with my own hesitation and an understanding of everyone elses' involved. But I also know that everything happens for a reason, and we are not in control, we are not the ones with the real plans. So, I may not put my trust in anyone else, but I'm laying it at His doorstep and saying, ok. I get it. I've asked for guidance, for signs, and I have to trust what I've gotten back. It really isn't about me. It's about being the person I'm needed to be, for my husband, my children, and the others involved.

Sorry it's been so long, but my head has really been elsewhere lately. Lots happening, lots going to happen, and not much I can say without the veiled crap I have to work with right now. LOL Add to it, the PC crashed and I'm on J's laptop-which i HATE, btw- until further notice. But, I'm going to hang around this time I think. At least for a minute ;)

How was back to school Internet? How's things?

And Then, Her Head Exploded

I sometimes sit back and listen to the kids talk, and wonder how it's possible for things to change so much in, what seems to me, so little time. And then I wonder- has it changed that much, or are you just seeing it that way because you're the parent now, and the things you know are a lot different that the things you knew when you were their age? Personally, I think it's a little of both. Times have changed, definitely, but now it's my time to worry and wonder, to plan and prepare so they're happy, healthy, safe... because they won't worry about those things. At least, they shouldn't.

I do think I'm more open with mine, in a lot of ways, than my mother was with me. Nothing is taboo, they can ask me anything, and ooooh, do they. LOL And honestly? I'd rather be the one answering with age appropriate responses than have the kid at school, or on the bus, or down the street, explaining things that are either extremely inaccurate, or right on, but REALLY inappropriate and scary (to me, LOL).

We covered the first "boyfriend" issue when Alyssa announced she was dating someone. And of course, dramatically broke up a couple days later. I love it, though... dating? Really? You're nine. But I remember how serious it was for me at that age... because everything is SO over the top make or break at that age. It's all drama, all the time, raising a girl, it seems. I don't remember being so... moody? Mouthy? Know it all? In charge? Secure? In touch with exactly who I was and how it would be? I admire her so much, when I'm not wanting to tape her mouth shut. :) We're growing in a new direction, my girl and I. She's gotten to a stage, already, where you can watch what she does and just see, so clearly, the woman she's going to be. And oh, man, what a woman she'll be. Strong, smart, independent, and ... every single thing I'm not, combined with some of the best of who I am. She takes no shit, and can give it back twice as hard. She has her course charted without even realizing, without even trying. She's NINE. It's humbling, to think that somehow, some way, she's become this wonderful person, in part because of me. And I'm thankful that Taylor has such an absolutely amazing sister to look up to and learn from. And even more so that their bond is already beyond unbreakable.

At the same time, I'm also getting the idea of the teenage years. Um, no thanks? Can we pass on it, because oh my God she's a terror already when she wants to be. She's stubborn and snappy, already has "oh my GOD!", eye rolls, sighing, stomping and slamming aced, and we haven't even touched on the want of the coveted cell phone. No, no and again, after almost six months of hounding, NO. I'm not one of those moms who thinks every kid needs a cell phone. If she walked to or from school, if she did any activity that I wasn't either at with her, or didn't give MY number to any and all people in charge? Yes. If she had a condition, if she was home alone, if I worked... there are a million good reasons for some kids to have cell phones. Mine does not have a good reason, other than "I want one."

I think they want too much too soon, which is typical, and I'm glad for it. But, being the adult, I now understand that they want too much without knowing or comprehending the dangers that can come with having it all too soon. Because not everyone is a good person. Not everything is safe to do. Not everything is as easy as you think. And some of that will come slowly, with time, while some of it will hit like a freight train, and as much as I want to shield them, I can't. Not from all of it. But, it will make them, shape them, change them... and they'll need that, too, whether they believe it or not.

Speaking of "need"? Remember the pregnant cat I posted about? Yeah. She stopped coming around for awhile, and then came back around, no longer pregnant. I assumed she'd had the babies, and was hiding them somewhere, and didn't shoo her from the food we keep on the porches (our cats go and and out, so there is always food/water available). I figured she'd need the nourishment to feed the kittens, had they survived.

They did. As far as I know, she had 3 or 4. Two of them? Are now residing in Taylor's old playpen, in dining/kitchen area. I know, I KNOW, believe me I know. But what can you do? They fit in the palm of my hand, were sitting out there, and meowed soooo pitifully. And I'm a sucker. They're the oddest color combos, too- black, gray, reddish tiger striped with one obviousy leaning toward calico. Adorable. And I'm a sucker. :) One of them has little white paws (Lyss named her Kali- short for "calico" but different,LOL) and is timid and follows the other one's lead. The other one... is bad. And of course, the one I like best. LOL But, they are both healthy and playful, eating solids, surprisingly, and shunning milk or mushy food. And I? Am a sucker.

It's time to gear up for another IEP meeting. I don't even really have anything for you on this right now only it's almost that time again, and my wants for him still stand firm. He needs to be challenged, to know there are consequences for every action, and you need to choose those actions wisely, and he needs to be with children his own age. Why? Because Jake imitates. He mimics the children around him a LOT, and if he is with his peers, his age group, he will fall in line with what they're doing, how they interact and play. If he is with a special ed group of kids varying in age, he'll mimc their behaviors. That's not a positive, and it regresses him, behaviorally and academically. He needs integrated. Period.

Taylor is talking. Sort of. She's now saying "kitty" and "car", "yeah", "yay" and "hey"- which is usually said like this "heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey!" at the top of her lungs. All these words in a span of three days! To add to the rest of her vocabulary. She has also realized that Mom means business and Dad will usually let her get away with just about everything. Typical. She's growing so FAST. Still cutting teeth, but now wearing ponytails and getting bruises and scrapes on her knees and making me gasp a hundred times a day- in fear, usually, as she attempts a stunt that I just KNOW will injure her. LOL

There's not much else happening, just a lot of watching them grow and wondering what's up ahead. It's comforting, seeing them making good choices and growing with a firm sense of who they are and what they're made of. But it's also comforting when I'm the one they still come to for the hurts, the curiosity and everything in between. I hope that never changes. That is something, maybe the one thing, worth anything else.

Blerrrgh

Long time no see.. again. I know. It's been awhile since I really felt like I had much to say, and it seems like the hours in a day are becoming less and less. The kids have less than 40 days left of school, and honestly, I'm relieved. Then maybe we can relax, have more time, maybe even have some fun. Between school, holidays and this weather being so back and forth, it feels like all any of us have been doing is putting in time and wondering where the day went.

Alyssa has her state testing coming up, for Math and Reading, so we've been trying to do a little here and there to ease the panic she's feeling about that. I think they pressure these kids way too much at a young age- I remember taking these tests every year and not really being too concerned over them. But, I also don't remember feeling like I'd be a total failure if I didn't do well... and I think that how kids do on these particular tests is different than how they do in school, or on the regular tests and quizzes they have on the stuff they're learning daily. Every kid develops at his or her own pace, they learn differently, retain information differently.... and some kids put themselves under a lot of pressure to do it all "right", and end up doing poorly because they were so worried about just that. So, there's been a lot of talking, of going over the state guides, and just reassuring her that she passed in the fall, she'll pass again.

I'm getting prepared for the end of year IEP for Jake, that will get things set up for next year. I have no idea what that will bring, because I don't feel we've worked as much of a team to meet the goals we set for him. They set the bar low for him... and to me, that gives him an excuse not to try, not to push himself. Set the bar high and we will find his strengths and weaknesses that way. I'm not saying he won't have limitations, because everyone has something they don't excel at, or they struggle with. The key is letting him find it, and giving him the tools to be determined to push himself. If it's so easy he never struggles, he will have no clue how to handle it when something is too hard, you know?

Easter was good. Lots of plastic eggs, LOL, lots of candy. The Bunny did good this year, and the kids had a great day. I managed to come down with some monster cold and have been sick for over a week now... I haven't felt this miserable in a long, long time. It started as a cold and cough and now we've progressed to aches and fever, chills and all that fun stuff. I just can't shake it and it's driving me nuts! I hate being sick, I hate taking medicines, and I hate waiting for it to g away. I'm a bad patient, but I also just don't have time to feel so lousy and still keep motivated. But I managed to keep the worst at bay until after the holiday, which I'm glad for. Now I'm just praying no one else comes down with it! I'd rather be sick than have the kids down with it.

Not much else has been going on. I've been hibernating a lot, spending a lot of time with the kiddos and planning for summer and for the next school year. I've had a case of the "blahs", which could have been this bug coming on, or could have been the dreary weather, who knows? I need the sun, that's for sure! And I haven't gotten to see a lot of it lately- April showers and all that fun stuff. :)

I hope all of you had a terrific holiday, spring break, however you celebrate it. And I hope everyone's healthy and enjoying a little bit of the spring weather, if you can!

Caffeine Fueled

Whew. It's nice to sit down with a cup of coffee (I'm way past one too many cups at this stage) and be able to chat with you for a minute here. This time of year is insane, which I'm sure all of you know already. There are too many things to do, on top of every day stuff to do... and the hours in the days just seem to speed past. I'm up to my ears in school plays, cookies, and wrapping paper right now. Every year it gets busier, as the kids get older. They have parties at school, gift exchanges, Secret Santa. Basically, from the end of November until Christmas break, they have free access to not only all the money we may have, or want to have, but also all the rest of our (tiny reserve) of sanity. I want everything to be perfect, and I'm learning to pace myself with it, rather than think about it until I'm down to the last day or two, running around like crazy cleaning and doing last minute things. that causes a lot of unnecessary frustrations. Procrastination, though a talent of mine, is not helpful.

I've been power cleaning, so all I'll need to do is a few last minute swipes with a dust rag and a quick run of the vacuum. I've also been writing- sort of. I've got a skeleton of a story roaming around in my head and making its way into my Word program. Bare bones right now, with a few names and ideas. For the strangest reason, names are the hardest thing for me. Once they're done, I can pretty much go with the flow, and let the story find its way. Because it usually does- it never ends up how I'd planned. The characters seem to take over and drive themselves along... and that's when i know I'm doing it right. :)

So, busy doesn't cover it. I'm so full of caffeine it's ridiculous... but I'm moving like a tornado through here, getting everything out of the way before the kids get off for break. The less I need to get done with everyone underfoot, the better. So, keep your fingers crossed that I can keep running. LOL I figure as long as the music keeps playing, and the coffee pot doesn't break down, I'm good.

Tonight it's Lyss' Christmas play. She is a rock star doll. Fitting. She gets to play air guitar. they've been practicing like crazy for weeks now, and she comes home exhausted, wondering aloud if she REALLY wants to be in musicals when she grows up. Ahhh, I love it! They are performing at the high school, which to her seems equivalent to "on Broadway", so she's been pretty nervous about it. I think it's cute, watching her walk around with her script, mumbling to herself. Complaining to me about some of the other kids not paying attention during rehearsals. "So unprofessional", she says. Complete with sigh, and hair toss. Cracks me up.

So, that's what's going on at Casa Diva right now. What's happening in your neck of the woods?

Proving My Point

Dear Principal of Elementary School My Son Currently Attends,

Thank you so much for taking the time this morning to prove me right about you, your school, and the horrible situation my child has endured since he stepped foot into your building. He has been assaulted by another student, falsely accused of sexual behavior when it was actually another child (who, by the way, got punched in the junk by my kid twice because he didn't like the other kid feeling him up... never did do anything about that, huh?) , verbally, emotionally and physically abused by a teacher (the same one who refused to send home forms regarding his medical records and lunch choice- my kid almost didn't get to eat) who is the ONLY person in the entire history of Jake's school career (including the aides in her room all day, every day) who has ever seen or heard things "sexual" or "inappropriate" from my child.

Yesterday, I spoke to Jake's caseworker, who observed him in his new classes at your school. She got glowing reviews about his academic performance (he's doing 2nd grade math), and glowing reports about his behavior. He is a "typical kindergartner" when it comes to behavior, and these same teacher expressed confusion over the "behaviors" he was supposedly exhibiting in another class. Things they were looking for? Have never materialized. He is bright, he is a joy, he is a wonderful child. His IEP is not being followed, but requests have been made, by his aide, on his behalf for the therapy he is not recieving... even though you claim you follow IEPS to the letter. Of course you do, since it's the law, and you are such an honest individual.

I appreciate you taking the time to corner J this morning when he dropped Jake off at school. To tell him of Jake's behavior issues. since he stuck his tongue out someone yesterday. To offer to call the teacher you wouldn't give a name) to your office to tell "her side of the story". I also appreciate your feeling that he isn't getting his needs met in his current class setting, and needs to be moved back to his original classroom. You know, since the whole shaking, jerking thing never happened. Same for the screaming in his face. So he can go back... fantastic plan! Obviously nothing happened, since it had to be set up to make that teacher turn and go in an opposite direction if she and Jake were in the same location, because of his obvious fear and worry. Same for keeping her away from the bus at the end of the day....obviously he's a liar, because he was suddenly afraid to go to the bus. Same for the vomiting, wetting his pants and his bed, the crying and rages, and the sudden on set of panic attacks. It's quite obvious that nothing negative happened while in this bitch.. er, teacher's... care.

I also appreciate you telling J how manipulative Jake is, how much trouble he has with his work, how he doesn't want to do it (he works very well with small breaks to recharge, he's at his level and above academically, and he loves to do classwork according to his teachers???). I think it's wonderful for you to take the time to first state he needs to be in special education full time, because of his issues.. and then when corrected and told of the conversation with his caseworker, state that he needs to be in regular kindergarten, without an aide.... in a different school. The school we've wanted to move him to since the first week of school... remember, when you were so concerned about his tooth being busted that you never looked into it?

It went over very well when you brought up the "unfortunate" mistaken identity incident and attempted to apologize for it. After calling my child a liar and a manipulator. I wonder how it felt when J told you that there was absolutely no circumstance when Jake would be anywhere near (insert abusive shrew of teacher's name here) again. Non negotiable. Apparently, it went well enough that you suggested he move schools.

So, I wanted to thank you for taking the time to prove everything I have stated since working with you and your school. You are untrustworthy, you are an ass covering liar who does not have anyone's best interest at heart but making yourself look good. You never have cared about my child's education or his physical, emotional, or academic well being while in your building. Your motives were crystal clear this morning- he either goes back to the classroom where he was frightened and not progressing, or he leaves your building.

I believe this states without a doubt that you want him to fail- have set him up to fail. It must chap your ass that this has been avoided at every turn- because I won't allow it to happen. Let's move him, then.. we all want that. Even Jake, who has begged not to have to come back to your school. Daily.

We will have our IEP meeting. I will make very specific notes to be added. He WILL move schools. And then, we will never have to deal with one another again, in a school setting (insert evil smile)

I know I am repeating myself, but I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your actions this morning. It proves so much to me, as well as his advocates. Especially since I warned them that setting up an IEP, or going to observe him would cause him problems. every time, something negative has happened. And what did you do? Reacted as I knew you would- thank you for being so consistent!!

I hope you are happy with the way you have treated each of these incidents, and can justify them to others, as well as yourself. You'll have to forgive me if as I leave your building with my son for the last time, I stick out my tongue.

After all, the kid must get his issues from someone, right?

Reality Bites

Sometimes, when things don't go as planned, it really is a kick in the guts. Even when you were expecting it, you still hold out hope that sometimes, someone will simply do the right thing. Not the political thing, or the whatever the bigger guy wants.. but just the right thing. Hell, I wonder if anyone even knows what that is anymore.

We're planning a new IEP meeting for Jake. For those in the dark, IEP stands for Individualized Education Program. It's a tool used for kids with a variety of needs, physical as well as emotional, to ensure their needs are met in school. Jake's needs an update (or just followed, really) so that's what we're doing. I'm calling for the meeting, not the school. there are areas in the IEP that need erased as well as those that simply need revamped a little (like the supervision in line thing that no one did for the two weeks after it was written in... ). To NOT follow an IEP is breaking a written legal agreement. But at this point I think they could throw Jake under the school bus, with a hundred witnesses, and it wouldn't be their fault.

I've been told i need to open better lines of communication with the school. Tell me how to do that when no one returns phone calls, shows up at set meetings, or even bothers to follow the written words of former meetings? I do not trust the school. I do not trust the district. I do not feel comfortable calling there, when nothing is ever done as it is scheduled to be.

But, I'm going to do what I need to... what that is, I'm still learning. There are a lot of laws I was unaware of, a lot of ways to advocate with a smile on your face and a knife behind your back... ya know, like this school district does. Bitter much? At this point, yes.

Did you know that the incident where Jake was shaken has been written off as a personality conflict?? Really?? does that mean i can grab anyone I dislike by their collar, jerk them toward me, shake them and scream at them? And then slap them on the side of their legs? Because, if that's what it means, I have a LOT of catching up to do!!

I'm irate. again. Can you tell? But I'm tired. So damn tired of my days, weeks, etc., being consumed by phine calls trying to force people to step up and do what's right. He is not even GETTING his education- he's sitting at a table, spereate from his peers, coloring fucking pumpkin pictures.

My next move? the IEP meeting. Sending a written request for his complete records- and possibly requesting to have things removed. Like the lies in his IEP. Yeah, let them think they've backed me into a corner, tired me out, gotten their way.

I'm not going away. How many times do I have to prove myself to people? I don't have to "suck it up", or "get over it". This isn't a power struggle, or a game. This is a child's life. So, yeah... that whole backing off thing? Screw them.

It's prmoising to be a busy week- stick around.

Quicksand to Concrete

I've never been confrontational. Ask anyone who knows me. I'll bitch and moan, ignore you, avoid you... but unless I can write you a letter, most likely I won't do a whole lot. I hate face to face, or over the phone, confrontations. They make me nervous and somewhat sick to my stomach. I was a backward kid, and a backward adult. Then, something just... snapped.

I still don't like confrontation. But I no longer ignore or avoid things that are on my mind or bothering me. Maybe I got tired of feeling stepped on, from everyone to the snotty check out chick at Kmart to the woman next door who just will not learn to shut the f**k up. Whatever it is, I'm on it, the second there's an issue. Especially one pertaining to my kids.

I mentioned before some issues we were having with school. Last week, we had a biggie. the ultimate in a lot of ways, one that could have ended very very badly for my family. One I lived in fear with almost silently for a week, not because i didn't need to vent, but because there were a lot of emotions churning around and I wasn't sure what to say. Or who to say it to.

I'll put it this way- I can't go into detail because of other children, etc., involved- my son was accused of doing something... horrible. And in turn, we were accused of doing something so awful I can't even fathom it. After a week of this, of believing he had possibly done something he could not possibly have learned at home, we had a meeting. the faculty involved, his advocate and myself.

We started the conversation with the actions the principal of the school had reported. Not to me, but reported. The kindergarten teacher spoke up then, horrified. Jacob had not done those things. Another child did those things. Not my child- someone else's. The special education teacher and principal had taken it upon themselves to question my son (who had actually punched another kid, THAT was what the kindergarten teacher had reported to the S.E teacher, who is his main teacher). There had been no documentation, of anything- the principal had not spoken to the teacher supposedly saying these things until our meeting. A week after the fact. And she hadn't even said it about my kid.

There is no paperwork about this- never was any. But there was enough to call in another party and write notes to other parents? And then laugh it off with a woops, our mistake?? With barely an apology, simply a throwing up of hands and a"well it was a miscommunication." Needless to say, livid does not cover it.

I could have lost my children. I could have, J could have, gone to jail. Because these dumb shits can't do their job. And now, they have the same complaint to file... with just a different kid's name in it. They don't understand the consequences- not just what could have happened to my family, but what could happen to someone else's if they are looked at now as if they cry wolf. Their next complaint could be legit, and they could be ignored, brushed off, put aside... and someone could be in danger. Because they obviously do not know the proper protocol when handling an incident of any kind. Write that shit down. Get your facts straight. Then go from there.

I may repeat myself, but the not writing completely throws me. with this sort of situation, i'd have written every detail, every name, every single sylable uttered. To work in the best interest of the child as well as protect everyone else, I'd have crossed all my T's and dotted every single damned I there was. Because that's the way these things work. everyone involved in an incident needs informed.

So i went to work. I got on the phone and I did not get off again until I was somewhat... somewhat.. satisfied. The school will be looked at closely, the people in charge in the building even closer. I feel confident that this WILL be set right. Because if the actions taken today do not set them right? I'll go up another rung on the ladder. And another. and another... you get the idea. Right now, I'm following procedure... ya know, what you're SUPPOSED to follow!?!??! I'm going with the legal advice I receieved this morning and going up the ranks as I need to until this situation is handled, and it's made sure that nothing like this ever happens again.

I am not mollified. Not by a long shot. I am simply doing what i need to, using the proper channels to get this settled to my satisfaction. And I hope I'm proving a point- don't f**k with my kids, ok? don't f**k with my family, don't try to back anyone in a corner. I will not be victimized. My family won't be victimized. Anyone that will listen will know about this. And this school? Better be ready- they have absolutely no idea the can of worms they have opened. This will not be swept under a rug, I'm not going away quietly. And ya know what they can do if it bothers them?

Put it in writing.

School, Thirty, and The Block

That title sums up life right now, in a nutshell. I turned thirty yesterday. I'm not upset about it, yet. :) I gotta tell you, though, as it inches closer, it does some wacked out things to your mind. I think a new decade makes you sit back, take stock and think about life. You aren't the same person at thirty as you are at twenty. Time changes a lot of things; your priorities change, your responsibilities change.. everything sort of shifts from a twenty year old kid into this adult you never saw coming. So you do a lot of stressing, thinking, more thinking and figure out whether the places and things you wanted are still on track with you today. It messes with your head.

But, thirty itself isn't bad, I guess. I don't really feel different. I don't feel suddenly older, or wiser. :) I feel like I'm getting there, but I don't feel like panicking and rushing out for the wrinkle cream. At least, not yet....

School is chugging along. Alyssa's having no problems, as usual. The girl sails through school; I never get that. LOL She's good at pretty much anything she tries... totally not like her mom there. :) She adores her teacher, likes being with her friends, and is making some noises about cheerleading. I try not to gag or roll my eyes when she does. Much.

Jake is having an ok time of it, now. Things seem to have settled for the moment. I think being persistent (aka, you aren't messing with my kid, I'm not going away) has helped. He's printing and doing school work (new), coloring carefully, and got to have lunch and recess time with the regular kindergarten class. He did well with it, and hopefully it will happen more and more. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that they will transition him into the kindergarten class before a lot of time passes; he mimics behaviors and reacts to negativity. the more acting out he sees, the more he will try to get away with. If he sees rules and schedules being followed, he'll fall into line. Of course, saying it and being heard are two very different things. But, I tend to repeat myself if need be. And I can talk anyone under the table. So....

And, to feed my thirty going on thirteen self, my CD, The Block, came out today. I nabbed the Deluxe from Walmart this morning (preordered the regular 3 months ago, LOL). I'm surprised by it, and any former Blockheads expecting the same bubblegum stuff, be warned- this is not bubblegum. And you may want to grab some headphones for some of the songs. There's no swearing or anything, but it isn't your teenybop feel good New Kids CD. Oh, they wanna... feel good... don't get me wrong. They wanna feel real good, all night long. *cough* But it's good, and there are a few throwback songs for the feel good vibe. and the ballads? Ohhhh, the ballads are worth it all on their own. If you can get your hands on this CD, I'd recommend it. It's great to clean house to, seriously. LOL Or just relax to.

And speaking of, with my newfound evening freedom here at the Casa, I'm off for a bubble bath, some pepermint tea 9and maybe a cookie or six) and my new guilty pleasure, 90210. not the old one (which I absolutely adore), but a new generation... with some familiar faces! So, go relax, veg out and we'll meet here again. Same Diva time, same Diva channel. ;)

Did I Say "Normal"??

I should've known, really. Today was going too well. The bus brought Jake to his drop off... and then proceeded to attempt driving off with him. They were unsure, apparently, of where we wanted him to be dropped off. Since this is, from the arrangement the principal made, the only place close to home for him to BE dropped off... **sighs**

And it gets better. He got in the door and grinned at me (I stayed home with Taylor today, to fight off this achy pukey feeling) and he was missing half a tooth. Like, his front tooth is half gone, the entire right side. It looks as if someone cut it in half, it's so precise. Apparently, a fifth grader ( one who lives in my neighborhood, one we warned the teachers to keep at bay) pushed his head down on his desk, knocking the tooth out. And no one called me.

Jake says they sent the boy home early, because of it. He also says that he cried and cried, and that he wanted his tooth. Why they didn't send it is a mystery; the tooth fairy would certainly visit him for having his head slammed on a desk.

Yet another morning will be spent asking another set of questions. Especially why this boy (also in the special classroom, they are all crammed together.... totally detrimental to learning, I think) was anywhere near Jake, when we specifically asked he be kept at a distance. Especially when he'd have a chance to do something like this- because it was a matter of time.

I'm more than fed up, let me tell you. It's been every damn day with this place. I am no longer baffled at the low scores in our county, or even our state. The inmates run the asylum has never fit a situation better- especially when a grown woman is trying to put a tooth back INTO a child's mouth.

I'm at a loss this time, really I am. So tomorrow I'll go back in for some more vacant, lights aren't even on smiles and to have all my words go in one ear and out the other. Next time? I'm filing a formal complaint against the school.

Immovable

It is my job to be inflexible when it comes to my children's needs. To be immovable, unshakable, unimpressed by obstacles- in front of them, anyway. It's my job to help them succeed, to keep them safe, to have them happy and healthy, in every way. It's what I am supposed to do, it comes with this Mom package.

What always surprises me is how easily those feelings come. Nothing prepared me for that; that fierceness in me that comes out when I feel they're being compromised, ignored, or just treated a little off. There's no "supposed to" about it; it just is. And it doesn't seem as if I'm pushing to hard, being strong or taking on extra issue. It just happens, i just do it... what else would I do? Let them fall? Let someone else make them fall? It baffles me when someone says something about it- they're mine, aren't they? Who else is going to do these things, make these things happen? It just comes naturally, the same way that grabbing the peroxide and a bandage comes when they get a scrape.

I would move a hundred mountains if I had to. I'd knock anyone, anything, out of the way. Anyone. Anything. And so, I did.

Jake started school this morning, with every other kid in this district. I said he would. And he will continue to do so, and he will succeed. They all three will, in their own ways. And I'll be right there with them, every step of the way, making sure they get every chance they can, every opportunity.

One mountain moved. Next?

Puff...

Tomorrow... er, today, I should say... is going to be very interesting. I mentioned before that it's the first day of school. What I didn't know is that it would be yet another issue. Between Jake's caseworker (also his school and other community program advocate) and I, we learned today that some things are.. well, frankly they're bullshit. Between last week (setting up meetings with a principal who knows exactly who he is, about his case, etc.,) and now, we've come across a myriad of issues, stemming from two different stories. As of today, as opposed to Thursday of last week, my son is now known as a "Phantom Child." As in, somewhere along the line, his paperwork (IEP, evaluations, testing and registrations for school) have been "lost". Supposedly, he is unknown at the school he has been registered for since May of this year. Supposedly, all of those things? Were never sent. We know better. His preschool knows better.

In this district, from what I understand and was told to me, as late as this afternoon, when a child is to be placed in a special classroom, he is registered and tested by the Special Education section. That, in this case, would be the superintendent present for meetings, testings, etc. that was done, according to the Special Education secretary/coordinator at his preschool. We have that paperwork. We have his IEP, his psychological evaluation, and his kindergarten screening-testing results. Those were done in his preschool classroom, because registering and testing in the "normal" setting for a child of his needs is too stressful and anxiety provoking for the child, therefore making the results skewed.

And yet.. yet.. somehow this has happened. And fingers are being pointed in every direction. So what should be a happy, easy transition for my son has become an obstacle. A mess of papers, running around to find others' copies, and finding who is responsible for all of this. Be it the superintendent or the special ed program at his school, it does not matter to me. It's one more thing, one last thing, that proves, again, my point.What happened in less than one week to suddenly make my son a ghost? To change easy transition into a possible nightmare of change, with the threat of him not even being able to go to school.

Hello again, small town. Hello, one more reason I do not want my children in this district, this county. And finally, there is agreement. My kids are my life. They will not fail. Their lives? Will never be compromised. Ever. There's no debate there, no option for anyone, or anything, to shift their reality. Living in this town has done enough of that. (Yes, there is a LARGE portion of backstory here that I am not giving. By my own omission, not anyone else's.)

To sum it up, I will say this: my son IS starting school tomorrow. With no hassle, as far as he will ever know. And someone will be held accountable, as high as I have to go. This won't be let go, or pushed aside, or ignored- not where my son is concerned. Not when everyone I know has known, for ages, my fears and concerns for him regarding school.

Tell me I'm overreacting, too angry, overly upset... and I will tell you more than enough about the town I live in (and the "influence" in it) to make your hair stand on end. Every school year, it's something. Every time my family makes a move, it's something.

This is the last time. Period.

The Next Couple Weeks

This might be my last full (or coherent) post for a couple of weeks. Tomorrow is the first day of school, and though we have been practicing our early bedtime routine, it always takes time to adjust to the real deal. I predict tiredness, some whining and perhaps scattered meltdowns... and the kids may feel wacked out, too. :)

Wednesday I get my wisdom teeth out, and while I'll do my best not to subject everyone to pain-killer induced posting, I can't make any promises. September is going to be a haze for me, I think. Fall is always really busy around here, winter even more so, but this year is busier than usual, and it may very well kick my ass before it's done. I'll do my best, but I'm only one woman, folks. One tiny woman with a lot going on right now, especially concerning the kids. I've planned and organized as much as one can where kids are concerned, but the thing about kids? They take the best laid plans and somehow make them cease to exist. Or at least alter them until your original plan is unrecognizable.

As for everything else... I'm trying to organize this outing I have for seeing my boys in October, and driving myself nuts with it. Planning it means thinking about it, thinking about it means getting more and more excited. I plan better when I'm not wriggling like a small puppy with weak bladder control. But, we take what we can right? Ha. I've waited for something like this for too long (a night away from children? come on, those are RARE!) not to be excited. Reliving this is something I'm not going to pass up, and I'm going to enjoy every step of it. It's the one thing I've carried with me for over half my life, and those things are priceless. OK, the feelings are priceless. The other stuff? Those are pricEY. But so worth it, to be able to let your teeny bopper self go ape shit one more time. (Or more, if they add another Ohio show... hmmm....)

Either way, the next few weeks are going to be insane, at best. Posting will be scattered, possibly hysterical, and somewhat drug induced (prescription drugs only, no illegals promise!!) So, bear with me on those fronts.

what I **do** promise is a lot of fun stuff. We are going to have some kick ass, no holds barred fun over here in the coming months. More picture posts, holiday stuff, and plenty of tales from the various happenings of the seasons to come. So, keep coming back, keep hangin in with me.

Welcome to the all new Confessions, folks. Let's party~

School Craze, School Daze

School starts next Tuesday here at Casa Diva, and although I am more than ready, I am also very hesitant. This is Jake's first year in regular school, and as any parent of a special needs kiddo knows, this can be a joyful milestone as well as a brand new sense of worry and turmoil. I want to set him up for success- I have a list to take of all the quirks, needs and issues that may or may not arise. His meds, possible side effects and when he takes what, are all listed. I have a list a mile long to help them get to know this complex child before they label him, pass him off, shut him down and shove him aside.

I have a game plan. Unfortunately, the school doesn't seem to be on the same page. the principal is trying her hardest to, now, set up the meeting she thought had already been taken care of. i am scrambling and hoping we get to meet his teacher, aide and those who will be with him daily on his new adventure. There is lost paperwork, lost time and a lack of communication i am beginning to find is all a part of this system we deal with. The school he is attending is the best in our district for disabilities, and we have a wonderful caseworker pushing and pulling right along with us to make this transition as smooth as possible for a child who does not do well with change. And when I say "does not do well" I mean does terribly, if the situation is handled wrong.

Jakers is the kind of kid who needs to know what's happening next month to be totally satisfied. We explain holidays in advance. Company coming, us going anywhere... all is explained ahead of time so he can prepare. School has been explained for months now, and he (as well as Lyss) picked out all of his own supplies. He went superhero for his first "real" school. She went High School Musical (only because there was no Jonas Bros. paraphernalia to be found thank you Lord forever and ever amen). They are both very, very excited and we have been encouraging that excitement. We both have always been together on that one, at least. Alyssa has a passion for learning like no other kid I have EVER known, and she's smart as can be. We did pass up an offer on the gifted program last year simply because it involved possibly skipping a grade- something she is not emotionally ready for. And because she isn't yet bored with what she's learning.

Jake has the same quickness; he's been labeled the smartest kid in class all three years at his school. It's the lack of impulse control that does him in. And does me in as well, because watching him fight himself is something that tears me up in ways that very little ever will. I want that brass ring, for all of my kids. and seeing it come so easily for one and so painstakingly slow, agonizingly slow, for another is harder to watch than I ever thought possible. He has taught himself to read, to count, to do all of those things- he wouldn't let anyone teach him. He watched, and then gradually picked it up himself. It's how he needs it to be, so it just has to be. You can't force a child to learn in a way that's not comfortable- that sets them up for failure. Letting him go at his own pace, to a degree, has made major changes.

He's become a different boy in a lot of ways this summer. He's learned to gage his own moods better, to control his impulses just enough to be safe. It's enough, it has to be. He now engages others in play- once unheard of. The hitting, kicking, screaming ball of rage has dissipated into a not as angry little boy. It's a major improvement- we still have our moments, but who doesn't?

Does all of this mean he's ready for school? Not without everyone, on both sides, being prepared. His quirks and triggers are definitely something the school needs to know- especially those who will be with him all day every day. I don't think I'm being too protective in saying that- there are just some things that you can't overlook. He will test the limits, and one wrong reaction could very well set his pace for the year. He's perfected gaging others and reacting accordingly. . in positive or negative way. He has to have the structure and consistency- giving in to him is not an option, if you want to get anything else done. Ever. He remembers, and he keeps on pushing.

I'm rambling, but I'm worried. Worried he will be too rough for them, worried they won't pay enough attention. Worried he'll slip through the cracks of a system not well enough equipped, or funded, to really do what they promise. I will probably touch on this a lot more in the coming weeks, just to keep myself sane about it. I want him to excel. I want him to prove everyone, including me, wrong. And I want everyone to be aware, really aware, of him. As a person, as a wonderful little boy. Is it too much to ask?