New, Not Borrowed, and Not too Blue ;)

I have something for you, the... five... six?... people who come here. I am making you a playlist. To know me, you have to KNOW me. And I warn you- I am a contradiction on every front, which some of you know, and some of you need to know, if you want to "GET IT". Isn't that everyone's deal? "GETTING IT"? Whatever "IT" is? So, I'll let you in on the deep, dark secrets, piece by piece, song by song, thought by thought, as we go. It may be offensive- my tunes are not censored, and some are absolutely not kid friendly. Same as my thoughts :) Same as some pieces of me. But to really have the inner workings of the mismatched, up and down, back and forths of me, it is what it is. I don't listen to, read, watch, take part in, anything that doesn't speak to me on some level. and it's deep, if you look past the damns, hells and others that make up some of it. If you don't, if it offends... well, I'm not you. You aren't me. And maybe you aren't meant to piece my story together. I am open minded and liberal to the point of painting a damn rainbow on my walls to prove a point. i believe in love and freedom and have no tolerance for pushing belief, and am good with what I know and have faith in regarding my relationship with God. He loves everyone, you know? He made us all, after all. But I digress- shockingly, LOL. So, for now, where words are truly failing (and focusing on new novels) I give you this instead....

No Apologies

I'm going to apologize one time for those that I may offend or upset with the things I say, and that's all.** I've done that enough, apologized or kept quiet. I've put my thoughts and feelings behind everyone else, I've attempted to keep from rocking the boat, upsetting the masses... and you know what? It makes me miserable. Because while I'm biting my tongue, you see it as acceptance. You see it as me being ok with however people speak to me, treat me, talk about me. You see it as ok that I'm there emotionally for whoever needs me when they need me, and when it's my turn, I'm handling it on my own.

I don't ask for help. But I learned a long time ago that the people who expect me to drop everything for them are usually not willing to do the same for me. So I bite my tongue, handle my own, and am just a little less inclined to be there the next time.

I think I must seem very unassuming. I seem accepting, almost a doormat, in the way I have lived my life. The last couple of months have shown me a lot about people, and most of it isn't surprising, but it's still hurtful just the same. I seem to be one of the few who just have to “suck it up”, “get over it”, and continue to put myself after everyone else, whatever situation arises. And there's something you seem to forget- I really don't have to. That's the beauty of it- you don't have to, and nine times out of ten, I wouldn't ask you to. I would never ask anyone to put themselves in the midst of something where they would be uncomfortable, or be treated badly and pretend that's it's ok and time to forget it. It doesn't work that way for you, so why does it work that way for me?

My life, needs, wants and feelings are no less than anyone else's. To behave as if they are is pretty selfish, I think.. and it's just not the way I'm doing things anymore. I don't want my kids growing up thinking it's ok for people to treat them like they are less than, that they are unimportant, or have to put up with being jerked around at someone's whim. Doesn't work that way. And when I see my daughter upset, or confused as to why she's been treated a certain way, it reminds me she is a lot more like me than it seems sometimes. And I want her to view it differently than I did. I don't want her to be the kid who gets called or hung out with when there's nothing else to do- that starts the ball rolling that gives people the permission to use you, put you on a shelf and take you down again when you have something to offer, or something they can use you for. She is second to no one, she has no reason to feel as if she needs to strive for acceptance... and therein lies the straw that didn't just break the camel's back, it put him in a coma.

I think I'm tired of waiting. There's always another shoe, another jerk, another hurt. That's life, even on the best days. But when you get so accustomed to the other shoe that you spend at least half your time waiting for it, then going quietly with whatever comes from it, it begins to build. Then it just keeps building, festering, until you explode. Until you are so consumed with everything and everyone else that all you feel is exhausted. You have your emotions invested in everyone's hurts, issues and angers... and your own are sitting there, waiting, just like you do.

I'm tired of being that person. I'm tired of feeling like I am here to appease everyone, to be spoken to and treated however people choose, and have no opinion. I'm tired of my children seeing the fallout, or paying for other people's mistakes and that being ok too. It's not, it never was, and it will never be ok for them to pay for anything. When that starts, everything else comes to a screeching halt.

It's time to push the envelope. I'm not waiting anymore. I'm not appeasing anymore. I'm not spending my time, emotion or energy on anyone who doesn't do the same for me. I'm not sucking it up, I'm not being treated badly and pretending I don't think you're an asshole, just to make it easy on everyone else. While I'm busy doing that, who is making it easy on me?

My children are my life, and they come first. They won't ever be set aside to appease. I won't apologize for this life, and I won't be made to feel as if I should. I won't apologize for my thoughts, or feelings. I'm going to challenge myself, every day, to stop talking and start walking. Actions speak a thousand times louder than words, and God knows when I speak, it goes unheard. It's ok for you to talk, to say whatever you want so it's ok for me too. I'm just as free as everyone else, and it's time I realize that, and time you realize that as well. I'm done telling you what you want to hear, putting on my game face and wondering the entire time why the hell I'm wasting my time. I owe it to my kids, to myself, to put my money where my mouth is, and teach them that they don't ever have to accept or settle for being anyone's settled for, in any situation. They never have been, why start now?

Today I will practice what I preach, I will let my actions speak louder, and I think it's going to be a challenge- but I have never walked away from one yet, have I? I've fought through more than one “impossible” situation, and I always come out swinging. I do a lot of it internally, but it gets done. I don't need a standing ovation for doing what I need to do- though an occasional acknowledgment would be nice.

One thing I have learned in life, for certain, is that you have to stand up. Anyone can sit by, and let it all pass along... but what for? Stand up and never back down from what you know to be true, what you know is right. Sure, you'll piss some people off, maybe lose a few “friends”... but if they were really your friends, you wouldn't have to worry about it in the first place, would you?

So, I'm going to stand. My legs may be a little wobbly, my back

bone a little out of practice. But it's time to stop waiting, and start doing. Stop holding out for when it gets easier, and start pushing the obstacles out of the way. The way I'm feeling right now is pretty cut and dry, and pretty simple- When it comes to my life, you are either in it, or in my way.

**This is what comes of bottling it up. There have been several situations lately that have popped up and several times I've bitten my tongue or sat on my hands so as not to say or type things I actually do mean, but would have said in ways I didn't mean them. So.. no more. And that's all I have to say on it at this point- No. More.

Perspective

Have you ever just had one of those days where it feels as if time has slowed to almost a stand still and no matter what you do, you just can't get it to move any faster. You can't concentrate on reading, TV, music... You've cleaned, baked, put the kids to sleep. The evening just stretches before you, and all the things you complain about never getting to do? You don't want to do.

Because, suddenly, there's this openness that you keep stretching toward, this goal you are determined to reach, no matter who or what seems just as determined to keep you away from it. You are reaching out of your shell, out of your comfort zone... and out of everyone else's. Scary thing, that.

Somehow, there has been a shift. It's been coming and coming, the build up has been impossible to ignore. It wasn't a light at the end of a tunnel, it wasn't a welcoming hand. It was a shove into the deep end and a cheery “Swim or die.” It was almost a direct dare to persevere, overcome, walk out of the ashes with your head held high.

So you did. Sort of. You went unheard, felt unseen. You watched your opinion matter very little, and you quietly took stock. You observed, you paid attention. You hurt, you soared. You cried, you felt overwhelming pride in the person you had chosen to spend your life with. And hated them in the next second. You rode the roller coaster, stomach churning the whole time. But you rode. Every single step of the way, through every up and down, losing a little of this and gaining a little of that with every turn. But you rode, unconditionally, even when you doubted and questioned every step.

And then, somewhere on one of those loops, something moved. Slowly, you came to realize that it wasn't up to anyone but you how you felt at the end of every day. And your shoulders relaxed, just a little. You stopped holding your breath quite so long. Because for the first time in God only knows how long, you took it back. You realized that worrying and hurting really weren't changing anything but you, and that was on only one person... yup, you.

So, ever so quietly, you found yourself looking for those pieces you had all but abandoned. And slowly, you are finding them, finding your way. It's a lot of two steps forward, three back, but you've come far enough to know that anything worth having is something you have to work for. And you're working, with and around everyone you know.

Your stomach is still churning, your hands still shaky. But the ride is different now. You are different. And you no longer clutch the rails, eyes clamped shut. You've realized it's a lot more fun with your eyes wide open, and your arms in the air, headfirst into the next adventure.

School Daze :)

Yesterday was the first day of school here at Casa Diva. 4th grade for Miss Lyss, 1st for Jake. She, of course, was beyond thrilled to be going back- school is one of her favorite things on the planet. Where she gets it? No idea! LOL He was reluctant, and after last year, who can really blame him. But, we were positive and encouraging, preparing him for the changes in advance, and we made it into the building with him all smiles.

This year marked the year of Jonas in our house, in the form of backpack, lunchbox, T-shirt, notebooks and jewelry. I admit, I rolled my eyes, but as a protest formed on my lips, memories of a neon orange lunchbox, as well as a hot pink and turquoise backpack flashed before my eyes. I shut my mouth and watched her get that look-you know the one- and had to grin. If she's lucky, she'll grin like that about those boys in 20 years.

Jake went SpongeBob.. again. He's reliable with it, at least-he has had a SpongeBob backpack every single year. But he likes it, and who needs an argument over that? It makes him happy, it makes us happy. And he's always eager to show off the new one. LOL

We got a note today that Jake is in the first grade regular class FULL TIME! That is HUGE, and something I had expected to happen later in the year, or maybe when pigs flew, to be perfectly honest. LOL But it marks a change, in the way he is seen and the attention that is paid. And? Not only is he in the regular class full time, he is in the class with the kids who are further along academically. That proves something to me- what he's capable of really isn't being ignored. Huge, huge steps. Both kids are happy and enjoying school, so far, and are excited about the things they're going to be doing this year. Major bonus, and something to give me a little room to take that deep breath I'm not finding these days.

Everything else... is still everything else. I wish I knew what to think, say, feel... I wish it were different, had been different, in a lot of ways. I always have. But it wasn't, it isn't, and it's very hard for someone like me to wrap my head around things happening as they are. Is it the right thing? Objectively, I can say absolutely. As a mom, a wife, a woman, complete with all those emotions... I honestly don't know. I have a lot of things on my mind, and I don't trust a lot of my feelings, or anyone elses'. No one is 100% selfless. No one in this particular situation is 100% open. And I don't say that with malice, I say that with my own hesitation and an understanding of everyone elses' involved. But I also know that everything happens for a reason, and we are not in control, we are not the ones with the real plans. So, I may not put my trust in anyone else, but I'm laying it at His doorstep and saying, ok. I get it. I've asked for guidance, for signs, and I have to trust what I've gotten back. It really isn't about me. It's about being the person I'm needed to be, for my husband, my children, and the others involved.

Sorry it's been so long, but my head has really been elsewhere lately. Lots happening, lots going to happen, and not much I can say without the veiled crap I have to work with right now. LOL Add to it, the PC crashed and I'm on J's laptop-which i HATE, btw- until further notice. But, I'm going to hang around this time I think. At least for a minute ;)

How was back to school Internet? How's things?

Tunes

Been awhile. Again. Summer is winding down... but I'm thinking it won't be going out without a bang. I may be absent (again) for awhile as things unfold, or I may ramble here and make no sense to those of you not living this with me. either way....

Right now it's all about the music. I figure everyone can use some new tunes once in awhile, so I've complied a list of what I'm listening to right now. Check these out, they're great cleaning songs, and great energy burners. Enjoy!

Battlefield- Jordin Sparks
Bleed It Out- Linkin Park
Sometime Around Midnight- The Airborne Toxic Event
Snuff- Slipknot
Beautiful- Eminem (will be on my playlist forever I think!)
Knock You Down-Keri Hilson
Gives You Hell- The All-American Rejects
Trust Me-3oh!3
99 Problems/One Step Closer- Jay Z / Linkin Park
Candle (Sick and Tired)- The White Tie Affair
Wishing Well- The Airborne Toxic Event
Take What You Take- Lily Allen
I Don't Care- Apocalyptica
Best Days- Matt White
Angels on the Moom- Thriving Ivory
Careful What You Wish For-Eminem

Some of these are oldies, but there are a few new ones (or new to you, maybe?) as well. I'll give you a real post soon, don't think I've completely abandoned you! Things are just busy with back to school, end of summer, and lots of "lasts". Soo.... get some of these tracks! You need them! Cause I said so! ;)

School's (Almost) Out For Summer!

Alyssa announced somewhat gleefully to me the other day that there are around 11-12 school days left until they are out for the summer. I'm already in summer mode, so I'm ready. We're going to be busy, that's my goal. We're going to have many adventures, this summer, and crash out at night happy about the day and excited for the next. We're going to get sunburnt and tan, drink Kool-Aid and eat cold fruit salads and sandwiches. We're all going to run barefoot and just enjoy every moment of it. I LOVE summer. Until August. By then we're all too hot, too tired, and ready to get back to school. But until then, it's party time!

I have a couple recipes up at my other blog. I'm having fun with it, looking through old recipes, finding new ones, tweaking things. I may head into more summer friendly recipes, but right now I'm adding some of the favorites and regulars here at our house. Keep a lookout, you may find something you like!

The IEP meeting for Jake's next school year was yesterday, and I feel better about things than I did. He has been placed in the first grade, and the over all goal for the school year is permanent placement in a "regular" classroom for second grade. His teachers and therapists seem on the same page as I am, and really, that's all that matters to me. That we are his team, working toward the same goals. I don't want to feel as if I'm the enemy because I want what is best for my child. But, I'll play that role if I absolutely have to, know what I'm sayin? Either way- I'm confident and content with it. And plan on trying NOT to worry about it over the summer!

What are your summer plans? I have a couple things up my sleeve.... do you?

Through My Kitchen Door...

Well, I've done it. I think. LOL

Rather than adding recipes to this blog, I've simply made another just for recipes, photos and everything to do with being in the kitchen! Through My Kitchen Door is where to see all my culinary exploits, good, bad and ugly! I'm still "Under Construction" but stop by and see what's cookin' over there. And if you have any recipes that I simply cannot miss, feel free to send them to me! You can catch me here: pbwriter1978 at gmail dot com. If I post your recipes, you will get full credit for the original recipe idea, and a link to your blog. If I make any changes, I'll be sure and list them as my own. :)

So, stop by, grab a cup of coffee or a glass of wine and have a seat at my table.

Ya Know it's Monday...

Happy Mommy's Day to all the super moms out there. a little late (as usual) but I was with my family all weekend doing a whole lotta nothing and enjoying every minute. LOL I hope all of you were pampered and spoiled this weekend, lavished with homemade cards and stories that you will keep forever, and didn't have to lift (barely) a finger!

I have to tell you, I am so excited by one of my gifts this year- I finally got the stand mixer I've been drooling over for awhile now. I've had hand mixers, and a wooden spoon, but now that I'm baking and cooking so much more, trying new recipes, making my own as I go, this will make life sooo much simpler! And who doesn't want simpler, really? I think I'd marry the thing if I could- all twelve speeds of it. Wait.. that sounded... eh. Well. Moving on....

The mixer came with a recipe disk. This is where it gets more exciting. For me. It's filled with easy cakes, cookies, frostings, etc... and everything but the frosting starts with a cake mix. There's a how to, there are photos, and you can make your own recipe book, add your recipes, pics, etc. I'm in heaven over here with it all. And I now know how to make bunny cakes, cat cakes and sandcastle cakes. Seriously, diagrams are a must- I'm craft-impaired. I may end up with a deformed rabbit cake, but I'm planning on trying, because stuff like that is so fun to do with the kids. And then you can blame them if it looks funny... LOL!

I'm going to start taking more pictures as I do cook, and posting more- it's a promise. I'm committing to more posting, more pics and more recipes. Except my lasagna- never will I share that, it's my secret weapon. It goes up there with the rest of my arsenal, and is off limits. Everything else is up for grabs. Be forewarned, though- I'm not a gourmet chef. I'm not going to make a rack of lamb here, guys. But I can give you easy, inexpensive and very picky family friendly. And when I say picky, I'm not exaggerating- my kids are PICKY. Alyssa won't even eat pizza or peanut butter. I can't make things without sneaking things in, and I've learned that spices and seasoning are my best friends.

So, that's all. I'm rolling some ideas around in my head, and we may be looking at a more domestic not so domestic. But, I'm going to be doing it with the music blaring and a glass of wine in hand, probably with a sink full of dishes and kids running wild. So.. not too much is changing. ;)

Stay tuned... the party is just starting!

A Spring In Her Step

**Apologies to everyone getting this via mail- the first one published a blank post**

What is UP, Internet? I feel good, for the first time in almost three weeks. No chills or fever, no congestion, and almost no cough. I'd almost forgotten what it felt like to feel... good. My energy levels are climbing, I feel like doing something other than hovering under a blanket with a cup of tea , tissues and Vicks. Love it! Apparently, whooping cough is going around here (just heard this today) and it sounds eerily similar to what I was going through. Scary stuff, that!

There has been a lot of cooking here at Casa Diva lately. Recipes, recipes... I know, I know. But I'm SO paranoid about my stuff I honestly believe I'll post something and get a million replies along the lines of "That sucked!" or "OMG how awful!" Or "Boring!" Yeah, need to work on that whole not giving a crap thing. :)

Anyway, just wanted to give a little hug to everyone, since I'm feeling a1,00o times better in every way right now. Spring is in the air, things are slowing, possibly, to a semi normal pace, and I feel like I can breathe again. Literally. Without coughing up a lung. Life, Internet, is good.

A Cleansing Breath....

AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

OK, that works SO much better than a deep breath. For me, anyway. I've been taking a self imposed hiatus from the net lately, mainly because we've been battling these God awful chest colds that seem to have no intention of going anywhere, and by the time the rest of my coughers are asleep, I want nothing more than a hot bath, hot tea and bed.

But, I've also been spending more time just being, you know what I mean? Doing things, little things, to make things easier. Someone has to. And it's started to make things run a little more on the even keel I've craved and not had for so long. So, if that means less time online, I'm all for it.

But I do miss you, Internet. Not like I thought I would maybe, but I do. I'm not abandoning you, I'm just taking more time to balance what I need to and reconfigure some of the aspects of life that weren't working. Or were, but not the way they could be. And I need to figure out how much of that is me, then go from there.

Miss Lyss had a birthday last week, so there's a birthday post coming, I promise. Pics and all :) She got a few things she really wanted and I made her a chocolate cake that went over so well, she didn't want a bakery cake for her get together this weekend. She requested homemade again... made my day!

We are having some struggles with Jake and school again, so please keep your fingers crossed for the next little while. Nothing like before, but some behavior issues and ups and downs that are starting to keep things from being as balanced as they were. I'm stressin' here, on a lot of levels, and I'm not sure where to go with it, you know? Writing about it helps, but there's so much that can't really be said, either because I can't find the words, or I can't put some things out there. So, just think of us, would ya? On all levels.

I may post sporadically for the next little bit, but I'm not going anywhere. I just need some time to get my mind right (ha) and doing that isn't as easy as I want it to be. But, the best things don't come easy, and I'm not one to back down when I'm facing a challenge. Even a self imposed challenge. So, bear with me and keep checking back. I'll be around!

It's a Cat House, Everyone....

I don't even know where to start. With my lost (and now replaced) cell phone? With the light in the microwave suddenly deciding to die? (OK, that's not a big deal, but for some reason, it freaks me out). With the loss of Internet for days due to non-working anti-virus software, leading to malware, Trojans and other lovelies taking up residence on my beloved PC? Or with the cat setting himself on fire?

No, no, you read it right. My cat took it upon himself to jump onto my stove, where my gas burner was on, and proceeded to burn himself. Nothing severe- he was singed, whiskers and some of his neck hair- but no actual burns, didn't hit the skin.... But it scared me half to death. And only seems to have reinforced that whole "don't jump on my counters or stove" deal I have going on. Because when I'm cooking? And you decide you want to get a bite of it? You will burn your ass. And then you will look as if you permed your whiskers, and after the heart attack, I will laugh at you.

There's also the pregnant cat who has taken to sleeping on our porch. The same cat I believe either had or dropped her kittens here last summer. Now, she belongs to someone in the neighborhood, and maybe it's just me, but I think she should be kept indoors right now. She's hugely pregnant, and I wouldn't want my cat outdoors when hugely pregnant. Too many things can happen, in my opinion, and it just doesn't seem the safest thing to do. Also, I really, really, REALLY don't want her having kittens here. I wonder if it was one of my boys that did the job, though, the way she's hanging out with them. **sigh** We don't need more cats, and I know this, logically. But should she have them here and leave them, I know exactly what I'll do. I just can't leave them out there, especially when they're that small and defenseless. And the little guys from last summer were teeny tiny when I brought them in. So, Internet, pray for healthy kittens, wherever they may be born. And pray J doesn't kill me if we end up outnumbered by feline companions....

I will have something more interesting to talk about soon, I promise. LOL Stay tuned- you never know what's around the corner.

Facebook and TV

So, I went to Catholic school growing up. And yep, I wore a uniform. I was ten, you pervs, shut up!

Two different schools, two different states. Two completely different worlds. One in St Albans, WV, 4th and 5th grade, that was wonderful, and one here, 6th -8th grade. It was my decision to go to the school here; at the time, I was seriously thinking of Catholicism. Going to school here was... different... than I expected, and so I'm not Catholic. I was turned off of the idea almost immediately, because of differences in the churches and in the schools.

Why do I mention this, you ask? Because I've recently had the chance to reconnect with some old friends from St Francis, and I am absolutely blown away at what people are doing with their lives! Twenty years definitely changes people and things- not that I hadn't realized that before, but sheesh! Kids I still think of as kids are lawyers, activists, parents... it's insane! I have a new love of Facebook right now, that's for sure. Because seriously? That kid you liked in fifth grade? Is probably on Facebook. How weird is that? The girl you were best friends with? Is probably doing something amazing with her life, and you should check it out.

So, aside from being on Facebook as much as time lets me right now, I'm trying not to watch American Idol (I get sucked in, but I'm not overly fond of it), loving that Scrubs is on again, and really, REALLY happy that Life on Mars wasn't cancelled. We don't need to mention my obsession with Jensen Ackles... er, with Supernatural... because I can stop whenever I want to. Really, I can. Stop looking at me like that, I see you.

Not much else is happening in my corner of the world and I'm glad to take a break from crazy right now. With the holidays, the awful snow and everything in between, calm is a more than welcome visitor here. I'm tiptoeing around Calm, because he never stays long. LOL

So, tell me. What are you watching? And is Calm visiting you right now, or are you living in Losing My Shit right now? :)

Some Pink Fluff

I thought I'd pop a recipe on here, since I'm an avid food blog reader. It's nothing complicated- no cooking involved at all! Basically, it's a summery, desserty "salad" I grew up eating, and I really really enjoy it.

Pink Fluff

1 can cherry pie filling
1 tub Cool Whip
1 can mandarin oranges, drained
1 can crushed or chunk pineapple, drained
1/2 cup to 1 cup walnuts

Mix together, chill, and voila! A simple treat for everyone.

I have seen this, but never tried it, with mini marshmallows and condensed milk. If anyone has any variations on this, please let me know what you think! I'm working on a version that will work with blueberry pie filling... but that's an entirely different recipe! LOL

New Look, New(ish) Outlook

I've been wanting to change things up over here for awhile. Not just the look- I do that all the time, because I doubt I'll ever find a "look" to have permanently. Nothing ever screams "keep me", ya know?

What I'm talking about is changing up the content some. I've said (repeatedly) that I won't be guarded on here. And to a degree, I'm not. On some things (uber personal issues, friends-relatives names, etc.) I always will be, and I've explained all that before. (Again, repeatedly.) But this is my space, and sometimes I honestly think it isn't truly mine, if that makes sense. I say a lot, and there's still so much I don't say. Because of who may or may not read here, or what so-and so may think if I really let loose and say what I'm thinking.

So, I'm done with it. Read it or don't (I know, how many people have said it how many times on their own spaces... and how many times have I said it here?)... I don't want to worry about who is looking for innuendo in my words, who is making fun, who is picking apart my pictures, my ideas, or my life. I don't have time for the added worry, or for the wary feeling I've had lately. Read it, take what you want to (people do that anyway) or don't come here. My space, my thoughts, my junk.

That said, let's get on with it. I've shown you pieces of myself for the last year or so, and what you've gotten so far is barely enough to begin putting those pieces together for a clear picture. I'm not perfect, and I don't want to be... sometimes. LOL I'm messy, unorganized, short tempered, and have a very (VERY) low tolerance for bullshit. I give as good as I get, and I'm loyal (to a fault), to the people I love. Whether they deserve it or not.

So, here is my invitation to you. Let's put the pieces together. Let's have some laughs, a glass (or six) of wine and get to know one another. Welcome to the "new" blog. Pull up a kitchen chair and get comfy.

Back to (Semi) Normal

**I am removing my previous post. I'm not changing my opinion, but my blog isn't supposed to be about the drama, it's about my life, thoughts and other stuff. Not shit that doesn't really matter. We all deal with/meet people we don't care for. I unfortunately handled it much like those I complain about. I apologize to my regular readers for sounding like a ten year old for a minute. Back to the regular stuff.



Finally, the weather seems to have calmed down. It left a fair share of damage behind though, and not just the ice and now slush on top of ice we're wading and driving through. In our county alone, there are over a thousand without power. We have shelters open for the people doing without, and I'm grateful we didn't lose more than the satellite for awhile. I cannot imagine trying to keep my kids sane in that sort of situation. Or myself. It's great that people are donating food and other items that are needed, though. It's pretty awesome when we can all band together like that, you know?

The kids went back to school today, on a delay, but still. They now have make-up days in summer, which sucks, but there was no working around this storm. We hit a Level 2 emergency and stayed there a couple days, and finally dropped to Level 1, but I don't think I've seen it quite that bad in a LONG time. When it was dark, it seriously looked as if the snow and roads were under a large piece of glass. There were no cracks or breaks, just a straight sheen of ice. It was pretty in a surreal way, but scary as hell when people you know are driving to and from work in it.

At least there's a semi normalcy happening again. We all had a major case of cabin fever, that's for sure. The kids actually wanted to go back to school... and I was more than ready for it. They spent most of last week bickering and picking at one another, and I felt like I was threatening, warning, or disciplining every five seconds. And wondering what it would be like to lock myself in the bathroom and let them finish each other off. Very, very tempting that.

Everyone seems in higher spirits, so I'll take that and run with it for now. Since it's forecasting snow for tomorrow... and Wednesday.... Keep your fingers crossed that it doesn't interfere with getting people's power back on! Or cause any more outages or damages... it's been ridiculous! Here's hoping for an EARLY sign of spring!!!!!

I Was Gone For a Minute....

Hey there Internet! Long time no see, right? Life has taken over here at Casa Diva, and by the time I can sit down to blog, it's usually close to midnight, and I'm too tired to think of anything to say. Or make sense of what I could say.

We're covered in snow right now, with more coming down. The kids return to school was short lived- they've had two snow days already with more on the way, I'm assuming. Jake caught a bug that had him soaking in a temp bath at midnight Thursday night, with me coaxing Tylenol and cold drink into him to get his temperature down from 103. That always scares me, when they have high fevers like that. for the most part, they don't. We're lucky that way; we barely ever see much higher than an occasional 101. But I'm paranoid when any of them get sick- Lyss has a not so happy history with tonsillitis, and Jake with upper respiratory infections, and pneumonia.

She had strep-tonsillitis frequently throughout preschool, kindergarten and first grade, and man that is miserable stuff. Antibiotics, steroids (the right side of her throat and neck would swell like she had swallowed a baseball), and a kid so miserable and in pain that getting a drink in her was like torturing her. The last time she had it, she lay on the couch and just sobbed. It was the most awful thing.

He's had pneumonia twice.. and I watch them all like hawks when they get the hint of a sniffle. I've relaxed enough now that a sore throat for her doesn't have me mentally preparing for a midnight trip to the ER, and a head cold for him doesn't have me plotting a strategy to force him to take his antibiotics. But I watch. They usually hate me when they're sick; I'm at them all the time with drinks, Popsicles, and anything I can think of to keep them hydrated.

The snow has made things insane, though. The grocery store is constantly restocking, people are everywhere (you know, you need seven hundred rolls of toilet paper and all the milk you can shove into your cart, just in case... not to mention every single scented candle in Walmart....) We've had ice, then rain, then a "wintry mix"- all of which froze under the first thin layer of snow. Then melted a little during the day... and then froze again during the night. Repeat as necessary for days, and there you have it. Now the snow is pouring down, and I'm sensing either early dismissal or this being a one day back to school before a day or more off again.

Snow days right after a two week vacation? Makes kids cranky. And sick of being in the house. And with each other. And unable to speak without a whine in their voice, or a shriek when telling you, again, that their sibling has, again, looked at/touched/spoken to/walked past/sat next to/breathed on/smiled at/insert any and every single complaint humanly possible that will make one want to scream and yank their hair out here. And me? I'm all, "if you tell me one more thing? I'm going to pay him/her to look at you. For hours."

So.... yeah. By the time Iget five minutes to breath, I want to do it in a hot bathtub, or curled in a comfy chair with a blanket and a book. Or shaking and rocking in a corner, praying for Spring and no more snow days..... But, ya know, whatever.....

What's the weather like in your neck of the woods?

It's Not Different, Mmmkay?

We've covered a few bases here on music. By a few I mean a vague mention of the music we listen to around here, and then the few (several) posts about those Boston boys I have a little like for (yeah, yeah, it's a sickness, k? thanks) But we've never really talked about the fact that while I may have a slight obsession with those guys, I have a complete obsession for music. Always have.

I love music. I firmly believe music really is the soundtrack of life. I think I've mentioned that before, but it bears repeating. I can go back through all my memories and there's usually music revolving around every moment in my life. Certain songs bring certain things back, no matter where I am when i hear it, no matter what's going on. And that suits me.

I'm not a music snob- I like everything. I'm a lyrics girl at heart, though, for the most part, which explains my dislike for screaming metal- if I can't understand you, I'm not getting it. I love country music, especially Reba. I love a good love song, but i also like the ass kicking, I'm done with your crap stuff too. I'm a rap junkie, too. And yeah, I do like Eminem (it's had a bunch of hits, thanks so much) because angry stuff aside, these guys have something to say. I like when someone writes their own stuff and puts it out there. doesn't matter if it sells a million or five hundred- it's not written to make money. It's written by someone who has something to say.

So, I'm a music person. I love it, I have it on almost 24-7. That said, I'll plunge into the murky water where I may get some hate mail. But, it'll be worth it. Just to get it off my chest. Ready? Here we go:

I hate Britney Spears. It isn't because of her lifestyle, choices, mistakes, whatever- people have ups and downs, and I'm not here to judge. Plus, there are plenty of days where I'd like to beat the hell out of someone or something with an inanimate object. It's not her personally that irks me (but the way people sniff at her for every detail is a little old). It's because of the "music"... and sweet Jesus, I use that term very, very, VERY loosely.

Let's take stock- very pretty girl, in shape, sweet personality, just wants to be allowed to be herself without all the weird shit. Talented- she can dance, and her own voice isn't too bad- when we're allowed to hear it. All that shit they use for effect these days is annoying beyond belief. I don't want to hear some amped up/distorted/echo shit on someone's voice. I want to hear them. Maybe I'm getting old, but that's just weird to me. and a pain in the ass. But, especially with Britney, it's all worked over, all canned, tinny sounding. Fake, in other words. Using that shit makes it sound fake.

Then there's the annoying, icepick sound of the music in general. Her first album was cute, poppy and fun. Yeah, I had it. So sue me, k? It was a year of pop and I went a little crazy. But, it seemed each album became less about Britney singing and more about Britney NOT singing, and being half naked. Yeah yeah sex sells. But, hello? Britney is young. And back then, she was REALLY young. But, nevertheless, there she was with little left to the imagination. Dancing, lipsynching and all that shit.

Then there was a break, when she had her issues and went a little nuts. But now... now she's back. With Womanizer. Which I hear at least nine hundred times a day on various radio stations and on my XM channels. And then, I hear it in my head. It's repetitive. It's not like hearing a real voice at all... every time I hear it, I feel like I'm listening to a damn robot sing.

It's not good music. I don't care how much it sells, how much people are clamoring for it. It's almost like a circus of really bad shit. But, to each their own. You may love it, she may be just your cup of tea.. and that's great. Me? I don't get why people sell out like that. She's the proverbial dumb acting girl with her boobs hanging out hoping the big strong man will take care of it all. And then "singing" about it. Bleecccch.

So, nope, I don't think she's "different", or "fun", or "edgy". I think she's going to be sorry when her looks start going and she has nothing to fall back on. Look at the women singers today- they're gorgeous, sure. Great bodies, absolutely. But they can also sing. Without all the bells and whistles. Now that? THAT's where Britney is different.

Google of the Day

I'm going to start posting some of the quirkier ways people find my blog. I've done this a couple times before (heh heh) and some of this is pretty funny!

Today's top google search? "did Joe McIntyre invent sloppy joes?" I don't believe he did, but I suppose that could be debated. **snicker**

Top search/visit of the weekend? JP, Mass. Period.

Christmasy

Happy weekend, Internet! What's new?

Well, the house is decked out, the Christmas lights are on, and it's snowing outside. I'm making a stew pot of my taco goulash (which is my own recipe, and not traditional goulash... but oh, so hearty, spicy and yummy!) for dinner and decorating the kids' area with their tree and lights. We spread the Christmas out here at Casa Diva- that's what keeps the fun and excitement building, for all of us.

We're Christmasy. The house smells like gingerbread and cranberries, the recipes and ingredients lists are out and slowly being added to, taken off. The girls and I are baking cookies and other Christmas goodies next weekend with friends- I'm in my element right now. I'm in such a good mood it's sickening. But hey- it's Christmas!

I'm Christmas crazy, what can I say? I'm all about the tinsel, lights, smells and tradition. It's warm, it's cozy, it's familiar. It's something to look forward to- a season of curling up with family and friends, sharing recipes, traditions... building your own. That's what I love most of all, making the traditions that will be looked forward to, counted on, laughed about and remembered. Making traditions that my kids will hopefully take with them, adjust and blend into their own.

I may delve into the recipe archive I'm growing over here and start posting some favorites. I can't spill any family secrets, mind you, but I can toss out some yummies nonetheless.

Right now, I'm off to get my goulash simmering. Easiest recipe in the world, but tastes like you cooked all day- my favorite kind. And versatile! I do chili goulash, taco goulash, sloppy Joe goulash, Italian goulash... it never ends. Add in some rolls or warm bread- absolute heaven!

Now go enjoy your weekend! Be safe, warm and happy- don't do anything I wouldn't do (or a lot of what I would, for that matter!) and RELAX!!! It's Christmas- take a break! So, get outta here... go have some Christmas cookies!

Getting It

Can you believe it's almost 2009? This year has flown by... I know, I've said that before. But it's so true! It's been an interesting one, too- to say the very least. It's been unusual. It's been beautiful. It's been downright ugly. But it's been an adventure- which is what keeps me going.

Let's see. In 2008, hell froze over. I know, that expression has been sorta used for another album and group, but seriously? So fitting. I got to relive a lot of my warm fuzzy moments, and experience something I didn't even know I'd enjoy nearly as much as I have. And I've had my kids along for most of the ride with me- which has been amazing to do. They've seen pieces of me they wouldn't have otherwise, they've watched me find myself and turn myself around in a lot of ways I didn't know I could, would, or even wanted to. I've been twelve, fifteen, and thirty at the same time. I've found that inner fun again, that girl who knew what was and wasn't, the one who knew what she wanted... and somehow forgot along the way. I've learned what I can and can't accept, handle or want in my life- I've found those non negotiable things. and some of that comes from turning thirty, I think, and looking back, forward and all around. Some of that comes from remembering who I was at some of the best parts of my younger life, embracing it, and saying to hell with what anyone else thinks. This is me, good bad and in between. I'm unashamed, unapologetic, and if it doesn't make me one of the "cool kids", I don't really care. I never was one of the cool kids anyway.

I don't know how to play the game. I don't know how to wear the false face, the better than you attitude, or the your shit stinks and mine's roses smile. That never made me popular. If I don't like you, I don't like you... I'm not shy about that. I don't have it in me for that. And I've hit my stride. I'm comfortable with that. I'm good with what I'm doing (though being a blog superstar? Would rock, and I'd so be lying if I said I didn't want to be one of THOSE cool kids!)But I don't want to be in the "clique"- whether it's the popular moms at my kids' schools, the popular one in the fangirl crowd, or whatever the hell you call us. I'm not sacrificing the parts of myself that seem to need sacrificing for that. The blogosphere, however? That's a different ballgame. Being cool in the blogosphere isn't about losing yourself, it's about BEING yourself. Maybe that's why I'm so comfortable here. I can let it all hang out and not really worry about it.

I can come here and talk about my kids' issues, my issues. I can be a dork, I can cry, rant, rave. I can laugh and gush, I can tell you about teething or snot, birthdays or baking. Music or clothes. Relationships, assholes, people that suck... it doesn't matter what I say. No one is (openly) judging me. And if anyone is? I don't know about it. I can just be... me. Alyssa, Jake and Taylor's mom. I can be autumn. Daughter, friend, lover, woman, PERSON. The New Kids junkie. Not Joe McIntyre's wife (which has been Googled at least six times to find me now... it never fails to crack me up). I don't have to look gorgeous (which never happens anyway, BTW), be dressed nicely (or really, even at all.. cause who would know?) or even comb my hair. I'm just here to ramble about my life, and all it's ins and outs. That? Kicks ass. That people read it? Kicks major ass.

What I'm trying to say is 2008 rocked my socks, turned me inside out, upside down and righted me again. With a grin on my face and a better sense of who this chick really is. Let's make 2009 even bigger, even better. Let's get this, shall we? Let's GET this.