New, Not Borrowed, and Not too Blue ;)

I have something for you, the... five... six?... people who come here. I am making you a playlist. To know me, you have to KNOW me. And I warn you- I am a contradiction on every front, which some of you know, and some of you need to know, if you want to "GET IT". Isn't that everyone's deal? "GETTING IT"? Whatever "IT" is? So, I'll let you in on the deep, dark secrets, piece by piece, song by song, thought by thought, as we go. It may be offensive- my tunes are not censored, and some are absolutely not kid friendly. Same as my thoughts :) Same as some pieces of me. But to really have the inner workings of the mismatched, up and down, back and forths of me, it is what it is. I don't listen to, read, watch, take part in, anything that doesn't speak to me on some level. and it's deep, if you look past the damns, hells and others that make up some of it. If you don't, if it offends... well, I'm not you. You aren't me. And maybe you aren't meant to piece my story together. I am open minded and liberal to the point of painting a damn rainbow on my walls to prove a point. i believe in love and freedom and have no tolerance for pushing belief, and am good with what I know and have faith in regarding my relationship with God. He loves everyone, you know? He made us all, after all. But I digress- shockingly, LOL. So, for now, where words are truly failing (and focusing on new novels) I give you this instead....

Waiting for It?

No essays or writing experiments this time- sorry. It's all me this time, folks, since attempting to go about my business and live my life is just.. never.. good enough. So, by popular demand, I'd say the bitch is back. Miss me?

I'm tired of explaining myself. Explaining, finding justification for, life. It is what it is, and that's honestly the best way to describe anyone's life. I'm tired of worrying what repercussions will come from making memories and sharing them with my friends and family- because there is one, every time. I'm tired of taking shit and keeping my mouth shut- whatever life is, it isn't a game. Mine isn't anyway, and my kids' lives aren't either. I'm tired of it being ok for everyone else in the free world to do and say whatever they want- to stick their nose in, stir the pot or nudge someone else to... and there isn't supposed to be anything coming from it? Especially when keeping my mouth shut and being uninvolved with dramatics is apparently not good enough, because then it has to increase, or change course. But, if I really think about it, I don't have to say a lot. I really don't- it isn't as if I'm fighting the tide. No one is blind... or at least, not anymore. The last couple of months have opened a lot of eyes, and not from being angered or stressed, or having something to prove... you see a lot when you pay attention.

Now it's time to deal with this idiot school, again. Because of drama, because of stress, because of things I've sat back and been quiet about, things I've attempted to let “run their course”- well, it has run its' course. The fact that I'm having to go rounds again with the same people who were so bound and determined to isolate my kid last year... I'm done with this. No one isolates or upsets my kids. You aren't messing with their minds, their emotions, their balance. It just isn't happening- not while I'm steering the ship. And you can call me a bitch, you can think what you want to- it really doesn't matter. Yep, I'm horrendous. We are just awful! We're so horrible that our kids are well mannered, well liked and praised everywhere they go. Our two older kids are on the honor roll and mostly enjoy school. They are friendly, personable and the only issues we have ever had stem from our son's behaviors and patterns due to his autism. My oldest daughter is a teacher's helper, and has never been even reprimanded in school- when it comes time for conferences, I get a note, every time, stating she is doing so well I don't need to come in. They have friends, they have family who love and appreciate them. Our toddler is bright, engaging and right on schedule. She's friendly, outgoing, and thinks that everyone is her friend- because everyone she is surrounded with, in her daily life, is a friend to her. They get in trouble and lose their privileges like any other kid.. they're kids, after all. They fight and cry, yell, scream, run their mouths and there are days when I can't wait for bedtime. We have the typical issues- cleaning up after themselves, no it doesn't matter how many times he/she looked at you, you can't punch him/her. It's typical. Life in this house is messy, loud, chaotic and at times insane. Hell, I'm messy,loud, chaotic and at times insane- I'm a mother. It's part of our job to be all those things- if we didn't learn to bend, as well as learn as we go, we'd mess it up even more than we're bound to already. We make mistakes with them, and we learn from it. But the important part is we teach them- we give them the cushion they need to know that when they fall, however they fall, their mother is standing right there with them. I won't always agree with them, but I will support them. To do any less... what's the point of having a child if that, too, is conditional?

You know how I spend my day? In between apparently pissing people off and being so awful I mean? Tell me if it sounds familiar to any of you. My day never really “begins” because, as a parent, your days never really “end.” Putting them to bed doesn't mean it's over- there are bathroom trips, drinks, nightmares, upset stomachs.. you name it, it happens. Usually in the middle of the night. I think it's possible only after midnight for a child to actually get hit with a bug- they feel fine all day, go to bed and then WHAM! So you sleep with one ear open, always. And, as someone who “doesn't work”, I sure do sit around on my ass a lot- in between doing the laundry, getting snacks and meals, cleaning up after animals and a two year old all day, then three kids and the same animals at night. It's housework, homework, wrangling them for showers, backpacks, finding toys, dirty socks... I am the chef, the waitress, the maid. I'm the doctor, the surgeon for injured toys as well as children. I'm the judge, the defense attorney, prosecution and jury at the same time. I'm the referee, the counsel, the conscience. I'm their audience, the co-star, the dress up buddy. Back up dancer, bubble blower, boo boo kisser. I'm the entire staff here, because of the hours he keeps. I have so much extra time on my hands, obviously. My day “ends” before eleven PM and I consider it a good day. And that's the norm- that's not meetings and issues, emails, phone calls, family, friends. I'm the plan maker, activities coordinator, bag packer, diaper changer, potty trainer. I am their Mother. I do my job. How I do it is obviously working- my kids are a perfect example of doing something right. And if they defend themselves against someone and that's an issue- they are a lot like their parents. They don't go out of their way to start anything- but they sure can finish it can't they?

I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being questioned, challenged, f'd with. And here it is, in plain English, black and white- I don't give a damn what the issue is, what he said, she said, so and so thinks, wants and feels. You don't live in this house, you don't pay these bills. You don't raise these kids, or share in this marriage, or this life in that way. Back off. Schools, people, phone calls, letters, drama, bullshit. It's not happening- I'm not putting them through any more shit, any more games. I have a kind heart, not a gullible one. There's a difference. And I'm done. I'm tired of getting slapped every time that other cheek is turned. Some things are changing, and some are staying exactly as they are. That's the beginning and end of it. All I'm trying to do is live my life with my family, with happiness and joy and memories they deserve- I suggest everyone else do the same..

Words

Another essay of sorts I had in my Writing folder.

She wonders what it would be like. She thinks now how odd of her it was that she never really did before. Maybe it's because there never was a before. Not really, anyway. Not if she's honest with herself- and that she can be, even when she can't be with anyone else. When... anyone else... can't be with her. She wonders if they are to themselves. For the most part, she doubts it. Once you become that good at hiding the truths that will cut you, they don't even reach you anymore. She almost envies that, the ability to rewrite history, to change time in your own mind so that you feel no guilt, no tug, no obligation. She supposes she's done it, a little, at times. Changed things around, rearranged some words, some meanings, to suit the way she sees the past. Maybe that pulls her through when she looks back to the time that never really was before.

The wondering is what makes it hard, now. She sees pieces these days, of the people they once were, and it tugs at her in ways she wishes, almost more than anything, that it didn't. It stabilizes her and pushes her off balance at the same time. She smiles, thinking how little sense that makes, and then smiles a little wider. Fits right in then.

It comes out of nowhere these days, and hits her like a punch in the stomach. She doesn't know what to do with it, honestly. It leaves her helpless in a way that next to nothing could, and the emotion that comes from knowing that is almost unbearable to her. That's her pride making a loud protest, and she welcomes its voice- it's still there, and that's one for the home team.

She can't explain it, she doesn't know how to rationalize. That's just it, the long and short of it. It's a mixed bag unlike no other and one that has built her up and torn her apart in more ways than anything else ever will in her life. Therein lies the rub, after all- it's her life. It's her entire world, everything she knows, all she has built. It's hers, and yet.... it isn't. Not really. But nothing ever is completely yours- you build lives, with people. Houses become homes, you becomes we, and time marches on. Nothing is ever completely yours- parents, siblings, children... in the beginning, someone makes room for you. As time goes on, you make room for others.

There's a part of her that embraces that, loves the idea of it, of being so open with her heart. It's words that change it all. It all comes down to words. People say actions speak louder. Sometimes they do. But words... most powerful weapon we could ever hold in our arsenal. Spoken, written... anger, shame, love, hate.. it all comes out in words. Truth comes out in words.

She knows that isn't so, not all the time. She's spun tales with the best of them, to save face, to cover ass, to tell a story. It's what we do, isn't it? What is fiction if not a little reality and a little fantasy? We dream, we lie, we write, we create. But in almost all of it, there's something real. That's the part that stands out, that draws you in- it's all in the tone, be it spoken or written, fact or fiction. You recognize tone, you relate. You've been there, felt that, known that. That's what tugs at you.

She doesn't know what to do with it, honestly. She waits patiently for a moment, for the cloud to pass. She pushes, she pulls... she opens, she closes. She vents, she rages, she tells you. She tells you, in a thousand ways, and you see..but not really. Too much tug, obligation.

She pushes, she pulls. She opens, she closes. She vents and she rages. And then she writes it down.

Pushing Down on You, Pushing Down on Me

OK. This is the one where I'm going to rant a little bit, so be patient.

The pressure I'm under right now, that my family is under right now, is unexplainable. I can really only speak for myself, and right now, I'm doing everything I can to keep myself busy, keep my mind occupied, and push forth on the path life has taken right now. Do I know what the future holds? No. This is a fine line I'm walking, in more ways than one right now, and all I want to do? Is scream at the top of my lungs. I don't need anything else on my plate right now, but it seems to just... keep... coming.

What I need? Is just somewhere to just be. No questions, no pushing, no speculations. On anything. I need a quiet place to just find the peace of mind I'm going to need to keep keeping on, and I'm starting to think that's an impossibility.

Life is changing. Without a glance in my direction, life is changing. And today? I want my f***ing money back.

Ya Know it's Monday...

Happy Mommy's Day to all the super moms out there. a little late (as usual) but I was with my family all weekend doing a whole lotta nothing and enjoying every minute. LOL I hope all of you were pampered and spoiled this weekend, lavished with homemade cards and stories that you will keep forever, and didn't have to lift (barely) a finger!

I have to tell you, I am so excited by one of my gifts this year- I finally got the stand mixer I've been drooling over for awhile now. I've had hand mixers, and a wooden spoon, but now that I'm baking and cooking so much more, trying new recipes, making my own as I go, this will make life sooo much simpler! And who doesn't want simpler, really? I think I'd marry the thing if I could- all twelve speeds of it. Wait.. that sounded... eh. Well. Moving on....

The mixer came with a recipe disk. This is where it gets more exciting. For me. It's filled with easy cakes, cookies, frostings, etc... and everything but the frosting starts with a cake mix. There's a how to, there are photos, and you can make your own recipe book, add your recipes, pics, etc. I'm in heaven over here with it all. And I now know how to make bunny cakes, cat cakes and sandcastle cakes. Seriously, diagrams are a must- I'm craft-impaired. I may end up with a deformed rabbit cake, but I'm planning on trying, because stuff like that is so fun to do with the kids. And then you can blame them if it looks funny... LOL!

I'm going to start taking more pictures as I do cook, and posting more- it's a promise. I'm committing to more posting, more pics and more recipes. Except my lasagna- never will I share that, it's my secret weapon. It goes up there with the rest of my arsenal, and is off limits. Everything else is up for grabs. Be forewarned, though- I'm not a gourmet chef. I'm not going to make a rack of lamb here, guys. But I can give you easy, inexpensive and very picky family friendly. And when I say picky, I'm not exaggerating- my kids are PICKY. Alyssa won't even eat pizza or peanut butter. I can't make things without sneaking things in, and I've learned that spices and seasoning are my best friends.

So, that's all. I'm rolling some ideas around in my head, and we may be looking at a more domestic not so domestic. But, I'm going to be doing it with the music blaring and a glass of wine in hand, probably with a sink full of dishes and kids running wild. So.. not too much is changing. ;)

Stay tuned... the party is just starting!

Books and Stuff

I've been writing for as long as I can remember. Same for reading. I have always had an appetite for fiction, and some non fiction, and I've always loved making my own little worlds where my characters live. I would love nothing more than to be published. That, so far, has not happened, and the self publishing route has been satisfying, for the most part.

I previously had 2 novels on one site for distribution, but due to policy and price changes I'm moving my stuff over to Amazon. They have a self publishing site of their own now, Create Space, and it seems a lot more cost effective and user friendly. I mean, I'm proud of my work, but not proud enough to expect someone to pay $70 for a paperback book- and that would be without royalties for the author. Ridiculous.

So, I set things up, and have a paperback of Sky Paintings on the way for me to proofread and check, then I'll give the ok to publish, and voila- type me in on Amazon, find my book. Almost like a "real" author, eh?

This is all happening from a friend of mine who recently read Sky Paintings, and has offered me a possible opportunity. I don't want to say much, or jinx myself, so mum's the word for now. I'm excited, flattered, and a little embarrassed- I'm not used to the attention, honestly, and I'm uncertain what to do with it. The idea of a possible group of people, unrelated to me, enjoying my book and wanting to know more? Intrigues me... but scares me some, too. I'm not interesting, LOL. I'm just... me, I guess.

Anyway, that's the long and short of it right now. I'm working on setting the space up, and possibly tossing Deadly Vision up, just because. I may have hated the work, but I did it. I'll keep you posted, and in the meantime.... enjoy that video down there! ; )

And You SO Knew This Was Coming.....

Watch more The Block videos on AOL Video

2 In The Morning- NKOTB


Ok, you knew it was coming. Regis and Kelly Thursday, Today Show Friday,(he didn't wear jeans **sigh**) and video released today. Yes, I'm still speaking in complete sentences and forming coherent thoughts. Ha.

I love this song; it's been one of my favorites since the first time I heard it. We've all been there, had those fights, those days/nights. Awesome song, amazing video.... what can I say? Take a gander and see what you think!

Pieces of Me Part 1

So, I had started this post and been writing on it off and on all morning. For almost two hours, I was back and forth, putting together a semi "25 things", because I keep getting tagged on Facebook and MySpace, and on a couple of the blogs I follow. I had decided to do it in parts, because I'm a rambler, and figured 25 things would end up taking up an entire page, so why not break it up. And in the midst of it all, Blogger decided to just delete the whole thing.

After sitting, open mouthed, staring at the screen for a couple of seconds, then telling Blogger pretty creatively what it can do with its mother, father, quite possibly the dog and all of it's neighbors, here I am again.

I've done a few of these before, and I apologize for any repeats, but I'm too lazy to look through the archives and see what I've said about myself before. We'll skip the obvious Oreo obsession, coffee love and NKOTB illness I enjoy every minute of. Although, after seeing them on Regis this morning, I'm sure there will be posts that mention this a few (hundred) times. I will do my best to refrain from mentioning Joe McIntyre's ass in jeans. No promises there, though- they're on the Today show tomorrow, so we all know I may be well into the babbling, non blinking stage for awhile. What can I say? There's something to be said for that man in jeans... a lot of which is very inappropriate, and will remain firmly in my head.

Anyway, where was I... I got a little.. sidetracked. **cough** Oh, right- 25 things. Or at least, a few of 25 or more things. Right.

I'm very passionate about my beliefs. I appreciate diverse views, opinions and ideas, and enjoy a good debate. I don't have to agree with you, you don't have to agree with me. I respect that there are differences for a reason, and I think that's what makes things so interesting. However, I also appreciate the courtesy I extend- don't push what you believe on me as "right" or "true" or "the only way". I don't force my thoughts on anyone, intentionally.

I have zero tolerance for ignorance, racism, etc. I do not understand the theory behind hating someone based on their color, ethnicity, lifestyle, etc. Everyone has the right to be happy, and to be themselves without worry, fear or hatred. why does it matter who we love, what our faith is, where we come from? We're all human beings, and what you think of as so different, or weird, or awful... maybe someone thinks it about you? Ya know?

I love movies, TV, music from the 50's, 60's and 70's. I would love to have been growing up in the 60's and 70's. Woodstock? Would have soooo been there. To see Janis Joplin perform live? Come on, seriously?? I'd have enjoyed the hell out of those decades- I'd have protested the war, burned my bra and been arrested. I'd have had a peace sign big as anything (ok, I did at one point, but for an entirely different reason.. ) worn Lennon shades (again...did.. but for another reason) and probably been barefoot and content.

I am still writing, even though I don't do it as often as I want to. I have three unfinished novels and several outlines and characters waiting for me in my Word program. They mock me sometimes, but I peck away when I can. One of my finished novels, Deadly Vision, I hate with a passion. Hate is too weak a word for it, really. I don't hate it because I think it sucks, I hate it because I revised that damn thing forEVER and still didn't get it quite where I wanted. My "vision", haha, was not great for that one.

I hate reality TV. I watched the first 3 seasons of The Real World eons ago, and enjoyed it. It was interesting, new and not crammed down my throat. Now? Everywhere I look, there's a new reality show. I don't watch if I can help it. I did watch Dancing With the Stars for one season, but ya know.

I have never read the Twilight books. Or Harry Potter. No, not even one. I have never even held one of those books in my hand. Yes, I know. I know.

OK. That's it for the first little bit. Nothing intriguing, I'm afraid, but a little more to know.

Watch the 10 am hour of Today tomorrow! Heh. I'm crossing my finger for jeans!

New Look, New(ish) Outlook

I've been wanting to change things up over here for awhile. Not just the look- I do that all the time, because I doubt I'll ever find a "look" to have permanently. Nothing ever screams "keep me", ya know?

What I'm talking about is changing up the content some. I've said (repeatedly) that I won't be guarded on here. And to a degree, I'm not. On some things (uber personal issues, friends-relatives names, etc.) I always will be, and I've explained all that before. (Again, repeatedly.) But this is my space, and sometimes I honestly think it isn't truly mine, if that makes sense. I say a lot, and there's still so much I don't say. Because of who may or may not read here, or what so-and so may think if I really let loose and say what I'm thinking.

So, I'm done with it. Read it or don't (I know, how many people have said it how many times on their own spaces... and how many times have I said it here?)... I don't want to worry about who is looking for innuendo in my words, who is making fun, who is picking apart my pictures, my ideas, or my life. I don't have time for the added worry, or for the wary feeling I've had lately. Read it, take what you want to (people do that anyway) or don't come here. My space, my thoughts, my junk.

That said, let's get on with it. I've shown you pieces of myself for the last year or so, and what you've gotten so far is barely enough to begin putting those pieces together for a clear picture. I'm not perfect, and I don't want to be... sometimes. LOL I'm messy, unorganized, short tempered, and have a very (VERY) low tolerance for bullshit. I give as good as I get, and I'm loyal (to a fault), to the people I love. Whether they deserve it or not.

So, here is my invitation to you. Let's put the pieces together. Let's have some laughs, a glass (or six) of wine and get to know one another. Welcome to the "new" blog. Pull up a kitchen chair and get comfy.

NYE Baby!

It's the last day of 2008 (duh). Resolutions anyone? And don't tell me you want to lose weight, stop smoking, eat better.... give me something besides those every year, broken after a couple weeks resolutions. I'm guilty of breaking some of those myself, as well as the cutting back on caffeine, junk food, etc. I've learned resolutions, much like rules, are made to be broken... or at least accidentally.

My resolutions? Since this last year has been one of the best I've had in a long time, and I think I've some out on the better side of things, emotionally, I'm going to stick with that. And keep moving forward. So, for 2009, it's all about laughing more, worrying less, and going with the flow. I'm going to take more pictures, go more places with my kids, and keep on this path I've started on. It's a good one, a healthy one, one I walked around and ignored for a really long time. It was like flipping a switch, though. Once the light was on, I couldn't turn it off. And now... now it's like it was always on.

That's not to say I'm Mary Sunshine, ok? I'm just more in the middle. The glass is half full. It really is, because even if it's half empty... it's equally full. Ya know? Perspective. And there are still plenty of days that are shitty, plenty of moments where I cry the ugly cry (every woman has an ugly cry, and if you've never seen one, consider yourself luckier than most people), when I scream and cuss and want to kick someone's ass. But I've learned those are moments that pass just like everything else. and hey, if you're mad as hell, you're feeling something, right? It takes passion to be that pissed off. It's when you can't find that passion anymore that there's a real problem.

Anyway. It's time to start a new year. I love it, the freshness of it, the "new beginning" vibe- kinda like that new car smell. Heh. It's a clean slate- 365 blank pages to fill however you choose. fill 'em with memories you'll enjoy looking back on. Seriously- get up every day with the intention of it being the best... it's all in the attitude, right? Right.

So, have a fantastic New Year's Eve, however you spend it. Be safe, whatever you do, wherever you go. Here's to the end of a wild ride.. and the beginning of the next!

And, seriously- did you think I'd slide out of 08 without it? Happy B-day, cutie pie. See ya next year!

Ebb and Flow

I got my inspiration for this in the oddest of places. Sometimes, someone says something- not to you in particular, but to the masses, basically- and it really makes you stop and think. At least it did me. I read, re read, and then read again. And it made sense.. not just for a certain way of life, but for just... life.

You can't hold on too tight. Life is what it is- not every moment of every day is perfect, or awful. and while you need to hold onto the perfect moments, you can't choke the perfection out of them in an attempt to keep just those memories. Learn something from the awful, the mundane, the average... day. **smile** Because that's what it's there for.

I've had my share of perfect, terrible, so-so. And it is easier to look at those "can't get any better than this" times and think about how great it was. But, the more you look back, the farther back you hold onto just these moments, you lose something. You lose the could be perfections of this moment right here.

I am as guilty of this holding on as anyone else. Because there are some things that, no matter what, looking back at it can make you smile. and that's great- we're lucky to have those, whatever they may be. But you gotta let it go, to a degree, and be here. Now. Good, bad, in between. If you aren't, those absolutely perfect moments that happen? You'll miss them, because you're too busy looking at the ones you already had.

Keep your eyes open. Live it up, learn as you go. Look back with all the laughs and smiles you want.. and be thankful there were times you felt like that. But be just as thankful for the times you hurt, lost, walked away... because you learned something from them. And it makes those good days just that much sweeter. Believe me.

My New Favorite Song

It's All About The Tunes

Just wanted to take a minute and update you, Internet, on the music I've got blaring these days. It changes up a little with my mood, with what's going on day to day, but there is a running theme. Other than the NKOTB part, there's a running theme. **smile**

1. I'm Single Again - Trina. The remix of this, too, which gives the male perspective on it.

2. 2 in the Morning, Officially Over, Single, Dirty Dancing, Put it on My Tab, Summertime, Big Girl Now, Grown Man, Stare at You, Click Click Click & various others- New Kids on the Block. This album rocks, but these are the ones on repeat. Especially the first two mentioned.

3. Anything danceable. I'm just in that mood. No weepy sad songs, none of that here. Most of the play list is the same, these are just the newest additions, and the ones getting the most play. I'm in the mood to just enjoy, like I said earlier, and screw everyone else's drama. I don't care.

Like some of my favorite people have said recently, for various reasons- It's Official.

Like You Were Dyin'

I've spent so much time the last few months wondering where I was going. Where I wanted to go, where I didn't.... and after the initial jumble of emotions, when the decisions came, they were just there. Conversations I've had have encouraged me, reaffirmed me, and some, though they still hurt like hell, have narrowed that path I somehow still wanted to have a wider, more optioned fork. Some things are not an option. I'm learning that, and I'm going from there.

So here I am. I am stronger, in a lot of ways, than I have ever been. My acceptable and unacceptable lists are a lot different than they used to be- and for some of that, I feel some regret. But it is what it is, and the people in my life have shaped those lists, made up a mind that is now completely my own. There is no longer that voice in my mind, the one I heard all of my life, telling me to doubt everything. The ghosts are gone, all of them. I have no time for it anymore- I have a life to live, and I have three sets of eyes watching me to see just how I do that. I ow it to them, to me, to do it right. For the first time, ever, I feel I am simply my own. I am no longer intimidated, by anything. I am finally free to feel, think, say and do what I want- and for the last few years, I've been the one holding me back, the only one.

this song says a lot about the way I'm thinking and feeling right now- and no, before anyone worries, I am NOT sick. I'm perfectly healthy, physically, mentally, spiritually... and I feel good. I think the song has a good message and one we could all benefit from.

I'm in a good place. One I'm enjoying. A healthy one, a happy one, a determined, focused, over it place where I can just grab life by the horns and GO.

Care to join me?



He said I was in my early forties,
With a lot of life before me,
And a moment came that stopped me on a dime.
I spent most of the next days, lookin' at the x-rays,
Talkin' 'bout the options and talkin' 'bout sweet time.
Asked him when it sank in, and this might really be the real end.
How's it hit ya, when you get that kind of news.
Man what ya do.
And he says,

[Chorus]

I went sky divin',
I went rocky mountain climbin',
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull name Fu Manchu.
And I loved deeper,
And I spoke sweeter,
And I gave forgiveness I've been denying,
And he said someday I hope you get the chance,
To live like you were dyin'.

He said I was finally the husband,
That most the time I wasn't.
And I became a friend a friend would like to have.
And all the sudden goin' fishing,
Wasn't such an imposition.
And I went three times that year I lost my dad.
Well I finally read the good book,
And I took a good long hard look at what I'd do
If I could do it all again.
And then.

[Chorus]

Like tomorrow was a gift and you've got eternity
To think about what you do with it,
What could you do with it, what can
I do with with it, what would I do with it.

[Chorus]
I went sky divin',
I went rocky mountain climbin',
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull name Fu Manchu.
And I loved deeper,
And I spoke sweeter,
And I watched an eagle as it was flyin'.
And he said someday I hope you get the chance,
To live like you were dyin'.

To live like you were dyin'.
To live like you were dyin'.
To live like you were dyin'.
To live like you were dyin'.

A Little Less Wisdom- Ha!

Well, I made it through getting my wisdom teeth removed this morning. The two on the right, anyway- I have to go back for the one remaining, on the lower left. I'm not too worried about it. At least, so far. The top tooth was a nuisance, and required a bit of a fight, but I'm feeling ok now. thank you terrific pain medication! I had about an hour where i wondered if I may die, in between numbness subsiding and pain seeping in. It doesn't feel pleasant, that's for sure. but all is well. I'm a little spaced out, but for some reason I'm energetic, and in a fabulous mood- LOL.

So, I am surviving. Let's see if that continues as the day wears on... for some reason, pain and illness are always worse in the evenings. That never made sense to me, but it is what it is.

More changes are happening over this way. **sigh** Why do people put their best foot forward at the wrong times?? UGH! But, I'm not going to complain. Much. OK, I will, but whatever. It won't be too terrible.

Now I am off to make some tomato soup and other yumminess for dinner.Soft stuff for all, Ha! They can't complain much- last week they had homemade meatballs, tuna casserole and other Mom- kicks-ass recipes. the meatballs won everyone over, the casserole the kids and I devoured in a day. I love it! :) I'm trying to think of what to conquer next...... I will definitely let you know!

Ducks

Just when you think it can't get any heavier, it always does. Do you think it's because the little things start to seem bigger when you're stressed, or because people see it as an opportunity to just be shitheads? Me, i think it's a little of both.

I'm sure you have gleaned there's something happening over this way. I've posted about it without really posting about it, because some things just aren't for the entire Internet to know. Although I'm tempted right now, believe me, to let loose and just let the pieces fall where they may.

I'm pretty fair, i think, when it comes to accepting my short comings, admitting my mistakes and knowing my faults. I'm not big on the whole "oh, but i did this because so-and-so did THIS" sort of mentality. Yeah, there are times when that happens, because every reaction, blah blah blah. But that sort of every day thinking is what lands people in a shitty situation. Or dealing with someone ELSE'S shitty situation.

People need to think about what they do and say. How they treat other people, how they view themselves and others... I am a firm believer in what goes around comes around. I've seen it too many times, from too many people. And if you keep being the same person, it'll just keep coming.
That said, at the risk of even more coming around my way, I think I'm content in knowing some things will never change, nor will some people. And even more content in knowing that Karma? Karma's a bigger bitch than I could ever hope to be.

Pic-a-palooza!!! Kids, "Kids", and Pets!

**If you're looking for the sound check vids, scroll down.**

First up, the Jake man in a RARE picture... he's decided he isn't fond of the camera. So, rather than fight him, I sneak and get an occasional pic.



My favorite of Taylor so far, i think. she's so delighted it kills me!



More melt your heart from the ruler of our house. Cheeto face and all! :)



Dizzle. I always wonder why our cats run away......



My girls, chilling in a pile of toys. LOL Note the cheeto, still, on Taylor's face. She is an addict. I am an enabler... LOL.


Miss Lyss and her cat, Patrick. We **think** it's a Patrick anyway....


Lyss in her hat... we're on a hat kick around these parts lately....


Yeah, he looks thrilled about it... I made him wear the hat. Love it.


More cowboy hat!!!


Introducing Oliver! He is brand new, a little terrier mix who will not grow large, will not howl like a jackass all hours of the night, and more than likely will not cause me to sever tendons in my foot, unlike the previous dog, who did just that. By running into a darkened room- a being renovated room, filled with junk... and with my JMM CD's... one of which entered my foot. There is so a joke there, but I will let that go......

What i got today... and yes, that IS my screensaver. Ahhhh, life is good.......

The One About the Tooth Fairy

OK, so, i have bad teeth. No, we have never discussed this before, Internet, this is a brand new topic. One you will be hearing much about in the coming weeks. Yesterday, I saw the dentist, for the first time in, oh, maybe three years? Yeah, I know, not exactly a good amount of time to steer clear from sharp, shiny dental instruments, icy cold water and air blasting on teeth and the large, somewhat terrifying idea of root canal and Novocaine in large needles. No clue why i waited so long.....

Anyway, I now, at almost not quite but soon to be thirty years old, am having my wisdom teeth removed at the end of the month. and then returning for that root canal I mentioned. And some other junk.... all of which i will be doing in under two months. Why? Because I'm a masochist, ok? If there was ever any doubt before, it should be gone. i will basically be having at least (LEAST) three, if not more, dental surgeries and procedures. Between now and the first of October. (Yes, there is a reason for this. Yes, I realize I am off my rocker. Thank you.)

But it needs done. I have had more dental procedures than any ten people I think. All of my baby teeth, save my four back molars, had to be extracted simply because they refused to come out. Refused to the point where my adult teeth were coming in anyway- behind and in front of the baby teeth. Then came the braces, the bumper guard for the bottom teeth, the tongue guard, the gum surgeries, the retainer, and the various other little things. All from age seven to seventeen. So, needless to say, I hate going to the dentist. I am just unlucky enough to have very sensitive, brittle and apparently angry adult teeth. Almost every single one of them needs something, be it large or small. Yay. Can you feel my excitement?

But, don't fret. At the other end of it is a smile I will be flashing like it's going out of style. One that will possibly be somewhat a grimace until all the pain, and pain meds wear off, LOL. But it will be straight, white and visible to all.

Like I said- get ready,world. I'm coming for you.

Something Different

Here is a new piece of fiction I am working on. It's new and raw; I have not edited it at ALL, so any errors, spelling or grammatical, will be fixed later on, should I choose to continue on. This is not the one I am working on every day; that one is driving me mad. This one is actually a version of something I wrote in the 7th grade, and started again, with revisions, thanks to an article I found through the woman I want to be my bestest friend on the internet, forever and ever, amen. The article itself was shocking, heartbreaking, inspiring, sickening, strong, weak, awful, and wonderful all at the same time. There are some people who should be saints, seriously, and I cannot imagine going through these challenges daily. Especially with a child so severely impaired, who is not my own. I am not that selfless. I won't apologize for that; I think those who accept these challenges. welcome them even, are beyond special. They are divinity on Earth, and should be treated as such.

The actual article is here. The audio and video to it, which I have not been able to bring myself to watch/listen to, is here. Read (or listen/watch) with your tissues handy and with your heart ready to shatter into a thousand pieces. Seriously, this is the most horrendous case of child neglect you will EVER come across, please be prepared. What I wrote, or will write, is very much NOT this story. This story simply reminded me, in a way, of one I wrote long ago, for a best friend (hello Teresa Kawa) who bet me I could not finish a book. I did, and now I'm looking at it again, mixing things up and changing things, making some things less innocent, and some things more so. I was 12 the first time I wrote the story of a child thrust into a world without a true family unit, going on sheer 12 year old instinct. Now, I am an adult with kids of my own, I know a little better. And this story inspired me, as much with its evil as with it's absolute goodness. So, here you go:


It was putting your coat on that did me in, did you know that? It wasn't the hours I'd spent with you previously, filled with other people. It wasn't the pieces of cookie I'd fed you, the home baked cookies with shapes in the middle meant very little when there were others who'd fed you similar pieces. It wasn't the cup of juice I'd filled; anyone could, and had, done that. Anyone could have played with you, fed you, changed you... and we all did. You were so easy to please, for the most part. It was that coat, and the way no one else could put it on you but me. I will remember that until the day I die, and you will never have any idea how many things I compared to that over the years.

I'd like to think it was personal; that you knew I cared. That in some way you knew I'd taken a job to pay for things to buy, just for you. That maybe you knew you were wanted, even when you were something I was not allowed to want or have. Even though I did both. But, in the end, it doesn't matter that I bought you endless toys, it doesn't matter how it felt when I carried you around and we laughed, just laughed, for no reason. It all comes back to the coat.

I was the one who had to put you in your coat, that large foreign (to me) object of sleeves just perfect for little fingers to grab onto and refuse to budge. I can't, for the life of me, remember the color... how silly, when it seems to matter so much? But, it was for me, and only me, that you would sit without crying and allow yourself to be maneuvered into this piece of clothing. When anyone tried, you cried, I remember that clearly, and reached your arms out. For me. You cried, and when I came to offer help, you stopped, sat, and watched me as I dressed you. And for a second, I understood. That very moment made a lot of decisions for me, as you sat and watched me; looked directly at me. Trusting me, even though we were barely introduced. And I loved you, even as I dressed you, knowing that all those things I'd worked for would never be acknowledged, never be played with, never be yours. Not really. I wasn't allowed to say it, so I knew better, even in a "safe" place. I don't think I knew then how hard it would be, but I remember that I held onto you, even as the horn honked outside, and eyes pleaded with me not to make it harder, God not any harder, than it already was.

What I remember, other than that, was how you reached out to me, crying, as you left. That tore my heart out. I cried too, feeling an ache I had never known. One I wouldn't know again, not for some time. I'd have loved you, regardless, because of some things. What I did not know, until much later, was that I loved you despite it.



So, there you have it. Opinions? Criticisms? Give 'em to me.....

That's All, She Wrote

I think that would be a great poem title. Might get to working on that. I'll add it to the ever growing list of "Oh my God this is what I gotta do".

A lot has been taking place over here at Casa Diva, and some of it is a tad too personal to go into at the moment, but I wanted to mention, briefly, that there may be some melancholy days ahead. And some angry ones as well, mixed in with the energized, doing what I have to days. Such is life, yes? Yes.

I am one of those women that will follow my gut instinct on things- I have learned the hard way not to ignore that little voice in your head that nudges you. I think everyone has it, that sixth sense, but we like to squash it and go about life blindly, even when it hurts. there are some things you just know, and there's no way around it. You may not know why you have to do something, you just know you have to.

I think, now, I know both. Or at least parts. I have known for awhile now, I guess, but now it's as if the clouds have parted and the sun is too bright to ignore. Ahhh, this is what happens when you ignore that voice for so long- and i did, when it would pop up briefly over the last years- and then finally it hits you with a nudge so powerful you know you have to act. Immediately. No way around it, no looking back... you just have to.

I don't have all the answers to everything, but I have enough to know I am moving in the right direction. That has to be enough, for now. And it's more than enough, in some aspects, because this is the first time in a long time I have felt that.

I feel validated, about a lot of things. Guilty about more than a few, sad about more than i want to. But I also feel right. That has to count for something.