Waiting for It?

No essays or writing experiments this time- sorry. It's all me this time, folks, since attempting to go about my business and live my life is just.. never.. good enough. So, by popular demand, I'd say the bitch is back. Miss me?

I'm tired of explaining myself. Explaining, finding justification for, life. It is what it is, and that's honestly the best way to describe anyone's life. I'm tired of worrying what repercussions will come from making memories and sharing them with my friends and family- because there is one, every time. I'm tired of taking shit and keeping my mouth shut- whatever life is, it isn't a game. Mine isn't anyway, and my kids' lives aren't either. I'm tired of it being ok for everyone else in the free world to do and say whatever they want- to stick their nose in, stir the pot or nudge someone else to... and there isn't supposed to be anything coming from it? Especially when keeping my mouth shut and being uninvolved with dramatics is apparently not good enough, because then it has to increase, or change course. But, if I really think about it, I don't have to say a lot. I really don't- it isn't as if I'm fighting the tide. No one is blind... or at least, not anymore. The last couple of months have opened a lot of eyes, and not from being angered or stressed, or having something to prove... you see a lot when you pay attention.

Now it's time to deal with this idiot school, again. Because of drama, because of stress, because of things I've sat back and been quiet about, things I've attempted to let “run their course”- well, it has run its' course. The fact that I'm having to go rounds again with the same people who were so bound and determined to isolate my kid last year... I'm done with this. No one isolates or upsets my kids. You aren't messing with their minds, their emotions, their balance. It just isn't happening- not while I'm steering the ship. And you can call me a bitch, you can think what you want to- it really doesn't matter. Yep, I'm horrendous. We are just awful! We're so horrible that our kids are well mannered, well liked and praised everywhere they go. Our two older kids are on the honor roll and mostly enjoy school. They are friendly, personable and the only issues we have ever had stem from our son's behaviors and patterns due to his autism. My oldest daughter is a teacher's helper, and has never been even reprimanded in school- when it comes time for conferences, I get a note, every time, stating she is doing so well I don't need to come in. They have friends, they have family who love and appreciate them. Our toddler is bright, engaging and right on schedule. She's friendly, outgoing, and thinks that everyone is her friend- because everyone she is surrounded with, in her daily life, is a friend to her. They get in trouble and lose their privileges like any other kid.. they're kids, after all. They fight and cry, yell, scream, run their mouths and there are days when I can't wait for bedtime. We have the typical issues- cleaning up after themselves, no it doesn't matter how many times he/she looked at you, you can't punch him/her. It's typical. Life in this house is messy, loud, chaotic and at times insane. Hell, I'm messy,loud, chaotic and at times insane- I'm a mother. It's part of our job to be all those things- if we didn't learn to bend, as well as learn as we go, we'd mess it up even more than we're bound to already. We make mistakes with them, and we learn from it. But the important part is we teach them- we give them the cushion they need to know that when they fall, however they fall, their mother is standing right there with them. I won't always agree with them, but I will support them. To do any less... what's the point of having a child if that, too, is conditional?

You know how I spend my day? In between apparently pissing people off and being so awful I mean? Tell me if it sounds familiar to any of you. My day never really “begins” because, as a parent, your days never really “end.” Putting them to bed doesn't mean it's over- there are bathroom trips, drinks, nightmares, upset stomachs.. you name it, it happens. Usually in the middle of the night. I think it's possible only after midnight for a child to actually get hit with a bug- they feel fine all day, go to bed and then WHAM! So you sleep with one ear open, always. And, as someone who “doesn't work”, I sure do sit around on my ass a lot- in between doing the laundry, getting snacks and meals, cleaning up after animals and a two year old all day, then three kids and the same animals at night. It's housework, homework, wrangling them for showers, backpacks, finding toys, dirty socks... I am the chef, the waitress, the maid. I'm the doctor, the surgeon for injured toys as well as children. I'm the judge, the defense attorney, prosecution and jury at the same time. I'm the referee, the counsel, the conscience. I'm their audience, the co-star, the dress up buddy. Back up dancer, bubble blower, boo boo kisser. I'm the entire staff here, because of the hours he keeps. I have so much extra time on my hands, obviously. My day “ends” before eleven PM and I consider it a good day. And that's the norm- that's not meetings and issues, emails, phone calls, family, friends. I'm the plan maker, activities coordinator, bag packer, diaper changer, potty trainer. I am their Mother. I do my job. How I do it is obviously working- my kids are a perfect example of doing something right. And if they defend themselves against someone and that's an issue- they are a lot like their parents. They don't go out of their way to start anything- but they sure can finish it can't they?

I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being questioned, challenged, f'd with. And here it is, in plain English, black and white- I don't give a damn what the issue is, what he said, she said, so and so thinks, wants and feels. You don't live in this house, you don't pay these bills. You don't raise these kids, or share in this marriage, or this life in that way. Back off. Schools, people, phone calls, letters, drama, bullshit. It's not happening- I'm not putting them through any more shit, any more games. I have a kind heart, not a gullible one. There's a difference. And I'm done. I'm tired of getting slapped every time that other cheek is turned. Some things are changing, and some are staying exactly as they are. That's the beginning and end of it. All I'm trying to do is live my life with my family, with happiness and joy and memories they deserve- I suggest everyone else do the same..

Hello 2010 ::)

I said I wasn't going to write a “wrap up” of 2009, and I'm still not planning on it. This year has seemed... bigger than about twelve months, more than just about this year. Sounds odd, doesn't it? But it is the best way I can describe it.

2009 was the year of searching, looking back through several years, emotions, experiences and questions. And finding answers, even when we didn't want to, even when it seemed that the solutions were harder to handle than the issues. This was the hard one, the big one. This was the boogeyman, the unmentionables, the upside down. This was about digging through all the muck, dropping pride and defenses at the door, and wading in. This was the year that counted, the one that may not have rewritten the book, but it sure did change the chapters in front of us. And look- we are all still standing here. Our hair may be a little tousled, but we're all in one piece. In fact, if you look a little closer, there's just that much more light in our eyes.

Life isn't about being “right”. It really isn't, as much as we'd like it to be sometimes. It's not about being better than, having more. It's about just being better. Giving more, being more.... it's about being right with who you are, and the decisions you have made, the life you are building. And it's about admitting when you aren't right with those things, being big enough to recognize the changes in you that need made, and taking the steps to make them. That's a hard thing, I'll tell you right now. That's the hardest thing you will ever do, and you'll hate it.... but it's worth it to find some shred of light, of peace, at the end of the road.

I have learned a lot about the people in my life this year, about the people they are and why. That's where it is for me- the why. The who you are because of how you got here. It fascinates me, draws me in... and it gives you a different take on things. You have to walk in someone else's shoes for a minute sometimes, to stop judging and see things from the other sides. Yours is only part of the story, you know?

I know some amazing people. I really am blessed, and I've come to see that every person in my life brings something to the table, brings it all together in a complex and unique mosaic that I really wouldn't change for anything else. I hope I'm bringing that, too, adding to rather than taking from. I'm working on it.

I think that 2010 is going to be an amazing year, the beginning of a really interesting journey. I'm ready for that, I look forward to it. I'm not making any resolutions, I'm simply going to go with it, as much as my over analyzing mind can, anyway, and let life... just... happen. It's going to anyway, there's no point in not enjoying it. We waste so much time on what if's, maybes... We worry ourselves sick trying to plan for every single possibility, and we miss out on the whole purpose OF possibility. That means you can do anything, be anything... if you just get out of your own way, that is. .

2010 is going to be the Nothing is Impossible year. Hmmm... I guess I DID make a resolution after all, didn't I? Oh well... I guess anything can happen, can't it? ;)

The Afghan

We went shopping today for a duffel for me to take on Friday. Because I enjoy a bargain, and because of the outrageous cost of large duffel bags, we headed to our local Goodwill. I'd never been in there, and as I explored, I kept adding things to the cart. We were headed to check out with a few items, plus the large duffel (brand new looking, $2.oo), when I spotted a corner filled with crocheted blankets. I love afghans, I'll tell you right now. We had several in my house growing up, and one in particular I have always remembered with a fondness- brown with colorful patterns, large enough to wrap my whole body in when I was sick, or sad, or just wanted to curl up and watch TV or read.

So I immediately veered off toward the afghans, sorting through red ones, blue ones, multi colored ones.... all the yarn was making me nostalgic (like most everything these days!), when I saw it, peeking out at the very end of a row, hidden by the others. A dark brown and color patterned afghan. Large enough to wrap up in when one is sick, sad, or just needs a place to curl up and make, or relive, a memory. A blanket much like the one we'd had; a blanket put together of nothing but yarn, needles, and obvious love and patience.

The afghan is on the back of my couch now, and it may not be contemporary, in style, or even all that gorgeous. It may be itchy to cover up with, it may eventually fray and fade. But it will cover my children the way my mother's covered me, when they are fevered and achy, when someone breaks their hearts. And they will never know, until they are much older, how much something like that can mean, what it can bring back to you in a flash- things you forget, things you put away. Things you lose, like the afghan of my youth. this blanket, like certain smells, tastes and sounds, will hopefully someday remind them of what it reminds me of- home.

Wanna Roll with Me? lol

As you can see over there, I have a pretty nifty crew of blogs there. some are people I talk to or know, some I just want to know ... cause, really, do you honestly think Jon or Heather Armstrong exchanged links with me?? (And I heart Heather in a crazy way, people.) But, I've managed to exchange links with some pretty cool people, and I am always looking for more interesting things to read.

So, let's hook up. ; ) Add me to your roll, send me a link to your site, and I'll do the same. You never know who you're going to find when you click the links in people's blogrolls.... so find some good reads from me, and let me find some from you!