New, Not Borrowed, and Not too Blue ;)

I have something for you, the... five... six?... people who come here. I am making you a playlist. To know me, you have to KNOW me. And I warn you- I am a contradiction on every front, which some of you know, and some of you need to know, if you want to "GET IT". Isn't that everyone's deal? "GETTING IT"? Whatever "IT" is? So, I'll let you in on the deep, dark secrets, piece by piece, song by song, thought by thought, as we go. It may be offensive- my tunes are not censored, and some are absolutely not kid friendly. Same as my thoughts :) Same as some pieces of me. But to really have the inner workings of the mismatched, up and down, back and forths of me, it is what it is. I don't listen to, read, watch, take part in, anything that doesn't speak to me on some level. and it's deep, if you look past the damns, hells and others that make up some of it. If you don't, if it offends... well, I'm not you. You aren't me. And maybe you aren't meant to piece my story together. I am open minded and liberal to the point of painting a damn rainbow on my walls to prove a point. i believe in love and freedom and have no tolerance for pushing belief, and am good with what I know and have faith in regarding my relationship with God. He loves everyone, you know? He made us all, after all. But I digress- shockingly, LOL. So, for now, where words are truly failing (and focusing on new novels) I give you this instead....

Walking

If you need to catch up, I'll slow down. But I can't stop. This is all too important, everything happening right now. This is what counts, all these little moments, all the in between. So, yeah. I'll slow down, but I know now that I can't stop. It just isn't an option anymore. I'm on the path I'm supposed to be, all the way around. I feel it in my bones. Life is happening, all around us, and why in the world should we stop? We should pause to look at it, reflect on it, enjoy the sweet moments and pay attention to the reminders that life isn't forever. We are timeless, but not immortal. Stopping happiness and joy from happening is a waste-of life and of what we leave behind, to be remembered by. That's why it counts, why it is SO important. What do you want to remember? What do you want to be the legacy you leave behind for those who love you, the ones walking, or running, to keep up, slowing down or calling for you to catch up. Nothing else matters, not really. Grab it and go with it- it's the only one you have.

There's no rewind button, there's no “do over”. I know, that sucks. I get that, believe me, I get it and it can cut away if you let it. But that makes here and now that much more important- do it better, now. Do it different, NOW. You can't change something you did, said, should've- you just can't. But it makes you a different person, one who regrets and learns, and knows better. One who sees the difference between who they were and who they are. Where they were and where they are. Sometimes that's a HUGE leap, and one to be so grateful for once you see it. It can change everything, give you everything you thought you'd lost, or never had to begin with. And I'd have missed it if I hadn't started walking.

So now I will keep walking, because if this is what I have, all of this, in my life? All these people, creating these moments, these memories, these life changing experiences- why would I want to do anything else? I know what I have, all the way around. I know how blessed I am, how lucky I am to be where I am right this moment. It's right. It just is. Can't explain it, can't fight it, don't want to. :)

Life is precious. Love and memories more so. I know that now without a shadow of a doubt in my heart. So.. let's take a walk.

Waiting for It?

No essays or writing experiments this time- sorry. It's all me this time, folks, since attempting to go about my business and live my life is just.. never.. good enough. So, by popular demand, I'd say the bitch is back. Miss me?

I'm tired of explaining myself. Explaining, finding justification for, life. It is what it is, and that's honestly the best way to describe anyone's life. I'm tired of worrying what repercussions will come from making memories and sharing them with my friends and family- because there is one, every time. I'm tired of taking shit and keeping my mouth shut- whatever life is, it isn't a game. Mine isn't anyway, and my kids' lives aren't either. I'm tired of it being ok for everyone else in the free world to do and say whatever they want- to stick their nose in, stir the pot or nudge someone else to... and there isn't supposed to be anything coming from it? Especially when keeping my mouth shut and being uninvolved with dramatics is apparently not good enough, because then it has to increase, or change course. But, if I really think about it, I don't have to say a lot. I really don't- it isn't as if I'm fighting the tide. No one is blind... or at least, not anymore. The last couple of months have opened a lot of eyes, and not from being angered or stressed, or having something to prove... you see a lot when you pay attention.

Now it's time to deal with this idiot school, again. Because of drama, because of stress, because of things I've sat back and been quiet about, things I've attempted to let “run their course”- well, it has run its' course. The fact that I'm having to go rounds again with the same people who were so bound and determined to isolate my kid last year... I'm done with this. No one isolates or upsets my kids. You aren't messing with their minds, their emotions, their balance. It just isn't happening- not while I'm steering the ship. And you can call me a bitch, you can think what you want to- it really doesn't matter. Yep, I'm horrendous. We are just awful! We're so horrible that our kids are well mannered, well liked and praised everywhere they go. Our two older kids are on the honor roll and mostly enjoy school. They are friendly, personable and the only issues we have ever had stem from our son's behaviors and patterns due to his autism. My oldest daughter is a teacher's helper, and has never been even reprimanded in school- when it comes time for conferences, I get a note, every time, stating she is doing so well I don't need to come in. They have friends, they have family who love and appreciate them. Our toddler is bright, engaging and right on schedule. She's friendly, outgoing, and thinks that everyone is her friend- because everyone she is surrounded with, in her daily life, is a friend to her. They get in trouble and lose their privileges like any other kid.. they're kids, after all. They fight and cry, yell, scream, run their mouths and there are days when I can't wait for bedtime. We have the typical issues- cleaning up after themselves, no it doesn't matter how many times he/she looked at you, you can't punch him/her. It's typical. Life in this house is messy, loud, chaotic and at times insane. Hell, I'm messy,loud, chaotic and at times insane- I'm a mother. It's part of our job to be all those things- if we didn't learn to bend, as well as learn as we go, we'd mess it up even more than we're bound to already. We make mistakes with them, and we learn from it. But the important part is we teach them- we give them the cushion they need to know that when they fall, however they fall, their mother is standing right there with them. I won't always agree with them, but I will support them. To do any less... what's the point of having a child if that, too, is conditional?

You know how I spend my day? In between apparently pissing people off and being so awful I mean? Tell me if it sounds familiar to any of you. My day never really “begins” because, as a parent, your days never really “end.” Putting them to bed doesn't mean it's over- there are bathroom trips, drinks, nightmares, upset stomachs.. you name it, it happens. Usually in the middle of the night. I think it's possible only after midnight for a child to actually get hit with a bug- they feel fine all day, go to bed and then WHAM! So you sleep with one ear open, always. And, as someone who “doesn't work”, I sure do sit around on my ass a lot- in between doing the laundry, getting snacks and meals, cleaning up after animals and a two year old all day, then three kids and the same animals at night. It's housework, homework, wrangling them for showers, backpacks, finding toys, dirty socks... I am the chef, the waitress, the maid. I'm the doctor, the surgeon for injured toys as well as children. I'm the judge, the defense attorney, prosecution and jury at the same time. I'm the referee, the counsel, the conscience. I'm their audience, the co-star, the dress up buddy. Back up dancer, bubble blower, boo boo kisser. I'm the entire staff here, because of the hours he keeps. I have so much extra time on my hands, obviously. My day “ends” before eleven PM and I consider it a good day. And that's the norm- that's not meetings and issues, emails, phone calls, family, friends. I'm the plan maker, activities coordinator, bag packer, diaper changer, potty trainer. I am their Mother. I do my job. How I do it is obviously working- my kids are a perfect example of doing something right. And if they defend themselves against someone and that's an issue- they are a lot like their parents. They don't go out of their way to start anything- but they sure can finish it can't they?

I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being questioned, challenged, f'd with. And here it is, in plain English, black and white- I don't give a damn what the issue is, what he said, she said, so and so thinks, wants and feels. You don't live in this house, you don't pay these bills. You don't raise these kids, or share in this marriage, or this life in that way. Back off. Schools, people, phone calls, letters, drama, bullshit. It's not happening- I'm not putting them through any more shit, any more games. I have a kind heart, not a gullible one. There's a difference. And I'm done. I'm tired of getting slapped every time that other cheek is turned. Some things are changing, and some are staying exactly as they are. That's the beginning and end of it. All I'm trying to do is live my life with my family, with happiness and joy and memories they deserve- I suggest everyone else do the same..

No Apologies

I'm going to apologize one time for those that I may offend or upset with the things I say, and that's all.** I've done that enough, apologized or kept quiet. I've put my thoughts and feelings behind everyone else, I've attempted to keep from rocking the boat, upsetting the masses... and you know what? It makes me miserable. Because while I'm biting my tongue, you see it as acceptance. You see it as me being ok with however people speak to me, treat me, talk about me. You see it as ok that I'm there emotionally for whoever needs me when they need me, and when it's my turn, I'm handling it on my own.

I don't ask for help. But I learned a long time ago that the people who expect me to drop everything for them are usually not willing to do the same for me. So I bite my tongue, handle my own, and am just a little less inclined to be there the next time.

I think I must seem very unassuming. I seem accepting, almost a doormat, in the way I have lived my life. The last couple of months have shown me a lot about people, and most of it isn't surprising, but it's still hurtful just the same. I seem to be one of the few who just have to “suck it up”, “get over it”, and continue to put myself after everyone else, whatever situation arises. And there's something you seem to forget- I really don't have to. That's the beauty of it- you don't have to, and nine times out of ten, I wouldn't ask you to. I would never ask anyone to put themselves in the midst of something where they would be uncomfortable, or be treated badly and pretend that's it's ok and time to forget it. It doesn't work that way for you, so why does it work that way for me?

My life, needs, wants and feelings are no less than anyone else's. To behave as if they are is pretty selfish, I think.. and it's just not the way I'm doing things anymore. I don't want my kids growing up thinking it's ok for people to treat them like they are less than, that they are unimportant, or have to put up with being jerked around at someone's whim. Doesn't work that way. And when I see my daughter upset, or confused as to why she's been treated a certain way, it reminds me she is a lot more like me than it seems sometimes. And I want her to view it differently than I did. I don't want her to be the kid who gets called or hung out with when there's nothing else to do- that starts the ball rolling that gives people the permission to use you, put you on a shelf and take you down again when you have something to offer, or something they can use you for. She is second to no one, she has no reason to feel as if she needs to strive for acceptance... and therein lies the straw that didn't just break the camel's back, it put him in a coma.

I think I'm tired of waiting. There's always another shoe, another jerk, another hurt. That's life, even on the best days. But when you get so accustomed to the other shoe that you spend at least half your time waiting for it, then going quietly with whatever comes from it, it begins to build. Then it just keeps building, festering, until you explode. Until you are so consumed with everything and everyone else that all you feel is exhausted. You have your emotions invested in everyone's hurts, issues and angers... and your own are sitting there, waiting, just like you do.

I'm tired of being that person. I'm tired of feeling like I am here to appease everyone, to be spoken to and treated however people choose, and have no opinion. I'm tired of my children seeing the fallout, or paying for other people's mistakes and that being ok too. It's not, it never was, and it will never be ok for them to pay for anything. When that starts, everything else comes to a screeching halt.

It's time to push the envelope. I'm not waiting anymore. I'm not appeasing anymore. I'm not spending my time, emotion or energy on anyone who doesn't do the same for me. I'm not sucking it up, I'm not being treated badly and pretending I don't think you're an asshole, just to make it easy on everyone else. While I'm busy doing that, who is making it easy on me?

My children are my life, and they come first. They won't ever be set aside to appease. I won't apologize for this life, and I won't be made to feel as if I should. I won't apologize for my thoughts, or feelings. I'm going to challenge myself, every day, to stop talking and start walking. Actions speak a thousand times louder than words, and God knows when I speak, it goes unheard. It's ok for you to talk, to say whatever you want so it's ok for me too. I'm just as free as everyone else, and it's time I realize that, and time you realize that as well. I'm done telling you what you want to hear, putting on my game face and wondering the entire time why the hell I'm wasting my time. I owe it to my kids, to myself, to put my money where my mouth is, and teach them that they don't ever have to accept or settle for being anyone's settled for, in any situation. They never have been, why start now?

Today I will practice what I preach, I will let my actions speak louder, and I think it's going to be a challenge- but I have never walked away from one yet, have I? I've fought through more than one “impossible” situation, and I always come out swinging. I do a lot of it internally, but it gets done. I don't need a standing ovation for doing what I need to do- though an occasional acknowledgment would be nice.

One thing I have learned in life, for certain, is that you have to stand up. Anyone can sit by, and let it all pass along... but what for? Stand up and never back down from what you know to be true, what you know is right. Sure, you'll piss some people off, maybe lose a few “friends”... but if they were really your friends, you wouldn't have to worry about it in the first place, would you?

So, I'm going to stand. My legs may be a little wobbly, my back

bone a little out of practice. But it's time to stop waiting, and start doing. Stop holding out for when it gets easier, and start pushing the obstacles out of the way. The way I'm feeling right now is pretty cut and dry, and pretty simple- When it comes to my life, you are either in it, or in my way.

**This is what comes of bottling it up. There have been several situations lately that have popped up and several times I've bitten my tongue or sat on my hands so as not to say or type things I actually do mean, but would have said in ways I didn't mean them. So.. no more. And that's all I have to say on it at this point- No. More.

Girls

We've been snowed in here in our neck of the woods for what feels like.. forever, lol... and it's gotten my creative juices flowing in a lot of interesting ways. I'm writing a lot... and a lot I'm keeping to myself. But it's therapeutic, getting it all out. It makes a difference, having this outlet where I can be me, plain and simple. I can write for myself, get my emotions clear.. or I can write something else, with characters and scenarios I make up as I go. Either way, it's been a definite lifesaver the last few weeks.

But I've noticed myself drifting toward the “friendship” theme more and more again in my writing, and this leads me to thinking about all the women in my life. Since I'm obviously someone who thinks (thinks, thinks, thinks some more....) a lot about everything, I guess it's only natural to have come away from the last few weeks with even more to ponder. Good, bad, in between? Probably all the above, but it did give me an idea.

I am blessed to have a terrific circle of women in my life- all unique, all bringing something to my life I wouldn't have without them.... hopefully I do the same for them. We raise our kids together, if we have them, and love each others' kids like our own. We talk late into the night, early in the morning... without these women, I simply wouldn't be who I am.

So, this week, instead of the usual, I thought I'd take some time to really talk about, and honor, women. Valentine's Day is coming, and rather than think about hearts and flowers, let's think about chick flicks and best friends, chocolate and glasses of wine. The laughs, the tears, the inside jokes... and the way we simply have to have our girlfriends.

You may be related, by blood or marriage. You may have been friends since you were kids (and you are oh so lucky if you are... believe me!). You may be old friends, new friends, close friends.... think about it. Who do you call for a quick laugh or a long cry? The women in your life... they are a different kind of family altogether, a mismatched patchwork quilt that is one of the most precious things you will ever have. In a lot of cases, some of the pieces should never fit, and yet they do... in some, the patches are seamless. But as you get older, you realize that while only some of them are seamless, they are all timeless. They all give you a different perspective, a different piece of yourself, and that's pretty amazing. I honestly don't know where I would be without my girls.... from the smallest to the tallest :)

Don't get me wrong... we all love our guys, too. But it's different with our girlfriends... we get each other in a way most men can't. We're on the same level- we know each other... and we know what drives us crazy about these guys we love so much. Lol We vent to each other, get angry together, and counsel one another... we laugh and talk about what the kids are doing.. we cry over the losses and hard times, and we just get it. And we know that when it really gets down to it, when it seems it can't get any harder, we have one another's backs.. and that counts for just about everything, doesn't it?

So, this one is for the girls- from the smallest to the tallest :) I honestly am thankful, every day, for each and every one of you.

Ahhh 2009

I spent a little time last night and this morning reading over the past year or so on my blog. It amazes me to see the difference a year makes. Going into 2009, I felt so many things that I'm struggling with as we head into 2010.

I think I spend a lot of time worrying what to write, for a blog, a status, etc... when I should just be writing. For me. If I never post it anywhere, I'll have it to look back on someday and hopefully think “Wow, you've come a long way since then... but what a ride huh?”

I don't want to do a wrap up of 2009. I have no intention of doing that. Talk about the year, the roads taken and not, sure. But there's no way to even begin to try and wrap up anything about the past year. How do you wrap up a year that seems to have wanted nothing more than to test every single thing in your life? Every move, every thought, every feeling. 2009 can bite it, ok? I'm not wrapping him up, I'm not delivering him anywhere with a shiny bow or a smile on my face.

I have never known, until now, just how much you tell yourself that you shouldn't think or feel a certain way. That you should always feel and think kindly, openly. Yeah, it would be amazing if it worked that way. But it doesn't. You may not want to feel something... guess what? You do anyway, regardless of what “should” or “shouldn't” thinks, and all you end up doing? Is feeling a hundred times worse for having an emotion in the first place. How could I think such a thing, feel this way... Because we're human beings, flawed and imperfect. Selfish and fearful. That doesn't make bad people- it makes people people.

I had thought I was done with these feelings, done with questioning, wondering... Is everything a test? EVERYTHING? When do I get a pass? When do the tests get easier, the answers come faster? Why is there always such struggle and hurt with these tests? Because you have to face the monsters in the closet someday. You have to learn who you really are, under all the walls and fears, the anger, the joy... who are you? Where is your strength? How far are you willing to go to find the way, find yourself? What will all of this crap teach you? What won't it teach you is the question.

I get that life isn't a destination, and that we are constantly learning and changing. We have to accept and move on, adapt and change with the rest of the world.. but we don't have to do it immediately, without protest, without wondering just what the point is.

The point is to find your balance. Yours. Not his, hers, anyone else's. Just yours. Find that, and the rest will seem a little easier. Just a little. At the end of the day, you have to make peace with yourself before you can with anyone else. And you have to accept that you aren't always going to be the person you want to be, with all the perfect responses that you “should” have. It just doesn't work that way. We don't work that way, and really? How boring would it be if we all had the same response to everything, the perfect answer to all of these questions, a 100% on every test? You wouldn't learn nearly as much... and you sure wouldn't have as much fun.

Do I always look at the woman in the mirror and find that contentment? Not by a long shot. But I think she's ok, most of the time. And I know her heart, those pieces she doesn't share with anyone but herself, and that I find peace with. Because only I know what's really in there, underneath all I say and do, all I show to the world. And that heart is a good one, albeit a cautious, sometimes cynical one. That heart has carried me through a lot of things, has broken a thousand times, and has loved beyond anything I ever imagined. That's an accomplishment.

I don't know what the next year will bring. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I wish sometimes that I did. It would make life a lot easier. But, life isn't made to be easy, is it? Life is about risking and searching. Learning, falling, and getting up again, each scar a sign of something you have come through, something may have knocked the wind out of you, but in the end, you did get up. Maybe a little less confident, maybe a little more jaded- but you got up. Sometimes that alone is the lesson- that you can get up again. You can brush yourself off, pick up the pieces, and rearrange them to make something different. And who knows? That something different may turn out to be what was supposed to be, all along.

Seasons

It is definitely fall, Internet. The season I am named for, and a season of change. My favorite season, with holidays just around the corner. I am a sucker for the leaves turning and falling, and then the kids' laughter when they jump into the piles of muted reds, oranges and yellows. It makes me smile, the crisp air and evenings made for stews and soups, chili and warm tea.

It's been quiet, which I'm not complaining about. I'm also not counting on it staying quiet, because as soon as I relax, everything changes. But it has been a really peaceful week here, and it drives home to me that this is how it should be. Peaceful and calm, no eggshells and no bombshells. Like I said, though, it won't last- things will need to go on, I suppose. It's what I do with that, for my kids and myself, that I wrestle with. I feel how I do for a reason, and nothing is changing that- only strengthening it.

Keep an eye on my other blog for some yummy, hearty recipes coming soon... the cook in me has been slaving without sharing, and that's going to change! :) There are quite a few stew-soup recipes I'm working on, and recipes guaranteed to make your kids enjoy some veggies if they're picky like mine. So, keep your eyes peeled... and for now, enjoy the fall! Grab a cozy quilt, some hot tea or a glass of wine, and snuggle in. It's good for the soul!

Uhhh.. What?

I turned thirty-one last Tuesday. I can't complain, I had a good b-day, and September has, so far, been a good month. The kids are flourishing in school, Miss T is enjoying being the sole attention getter during the day, and aside from the allergies that roll around every year, we're all in top form.

I can't complain, like I said. And yet... I'm sitting here, enjoying some (rare!!) quiet, and trying to prepare myself for the coming weeks. I think it's going to be interesting, these changes and emotions, and as soon as I'm wrapping my head around them, around this situation, there is always something else to wrap my head around. Such is life, right? But sometimes, I don't want to have something to wrap my head around, something to think about, anything to wonder about other than what I'm making for dinner, if the kids are having a good day, and whether that load of laundry will pick today to fold itself. I don't want to be the worrier, the analyzer, the one always planning eight steps ahead for whatever may or may not happen on any given day. I HATE that about myself, you know?

And there's a part of me that isn't that person. A part of me that doesn't have those worries, that rolls with it, laughs it off and enjoys the day. I like that part, I miss it when I can't find it. And I haven't lost it, misplaced it or had it hidden away as I think it has been in the past. I just had to be the grown up, and that pushed some of the easiness aside. Aaaand, I'm analyzing again. But, I doubt that's soemthing I can ever stop- my mind has a mind of its own, LOL, and it likes to work. And work, and work... you get the idea.

Life has been good, though. It really, really has. Am I worried that will change? Sure. Absolutely. I keep telling myself there's nothing I can't handle, and then I realize what that really says. I keep reminding myself things happen for a reason, and then I ask myself what the hell could it be??? I tell myself there are lessons, and tests, and think oh holy shit, am I going to pass? Fail? And how will I know which is which?? Loaded questions, all. And they have been for awhile- again, that's nothing new. But, it sure feels it all of a sudden.

Like I said- life has been good. I can't complain. Everyone is healthy, we have all been happy, and making plans for holidays, from layways to food and festivities. We've been doing more than surviving.. we have all been thriving. Together.

But today? Today I'm sitting here staring into space, thinking a million lost thoughts..... and oh my God, I want to scream...

Summer Fling

Hey there Internet! How's the summer been treatin' ya? How was your 4th? And wow, you look so tan! And your hair.. don't tell me, but I know you've done something different with it... lookin' good, Internet, lookin' good!

Summer has been a madhouse over here at Casa Diva. My blogging is almost non existent, and it crosses my mind at like, two in the morning, in an "oh, dammit, I didn't blog again..." sort of way. But there's not been a second to get down to it, really. From sun up to sundown, we are on the go. We're outside, we're running around... there's always something. I have maybe half an hour to update my Facebook or Twitter, and that's usually sporadic too.

I did want to take a minute, even though it's all over the blogosphere, all over the internet and media everywhere, to mention the odd amount of deaths in the last few weeks. Actors, musicians, athletes, TV personalities, all gone within what.. less than two weeks? Amazing. Sad, stunning and in some cases, almost earth shattering for some. It's been a very odd time, and more than once I've been almost afraid to check the news. Let's hope all are allowed to rest in peace, and that the families and loved ones of those gone will have the privacy to grieve that they deserve.

The summer so far has been a good one. Taylor is enjoying playing out more, and running around like crazy. She's starting to say a LOT, and still babbling that baby speak I think is too cute. I'm so not ready for her to grow up yet. She's at a good age right now. She's mimicking her sister, playing dolls with her, brushing each others hair.. just a lot of sweet little things that I hope they will continue to do. They definitely have a bond, whicxh I'm glad for. I worried that their age difference would make it hard for them to be close... was I ever wrong about that! They are inseprable. Alyssa has been teaching her to color, to play babies.. all the things I taught her to do, she's passing on to Taylor. And Taylor loves having a big playmate to boss around, LOL. She is, however, going to hit those Terrible Two's with a vengeance I think. She's starting to throw those little tantrums, when she's frustrated or not getting her way. Which I think is funny.. which really, REALLY pisses her off. I'm good like that.

Jake is still more of a loner, but he's been slowly opening up and being less timid in social situations. We survived a cookout with almost no meltdowns, and even then just a small one. All marks in the plus column. He's still developing his skills in the kitchen, and I'm telling you, the boy has a knack for it. He still wants to watch Emeril, and wants to someday own a restaurant of his own and cook on TV. He just loves it, and it is one of the few things that keeps his focus for an extended period of time. He loves food- cooking, shoppiong or eating. He just absolutely loves food. And I'm encouraging that with all I have. If I could get him to let me record him, I'd definitely share it with all of you. He's awesome in the kitchen!

Lyss is in a creative phase. Cutting, drawing, making dresses and dolls, adding flowers and fabrics. She's making an entire paper doll villiage right now, and then will probably move on to decorating her room with collages of things she's drawing or getting from old magazines. It shouldn't shock me, I guess, because J and I both have very wide creative streaks. So having creative kids isn't too shocking- it's watching how it shows itself that's pretty cool. The intense, all out way Lyss sets out with these extravagant projects that take days, even a week or more.. She's got ten times the patience I do, that's for sure! She loves to do this stuff though, and I never had the skill for it, LOL. I can't cut a straight line, let alone doll bodies and houses, clothing and accessories. And I've shamelessly gotten her addicted to watching The Young and the Restless with me. I watched it with my mother some when I was growing up, and the characters are like coming home, in a lot of ways. She loves it and looks forward to sitting down and watching it off the DVR in the evenings. Heehee. She yells at the TV just like I do, LOL. It's funny to see her as shocked or angered as an adult over these things.

Speaking of Y & R... Phillip is alive! In Genoa City! He showed up at the 4th of July bbq at Katherine's place and stunned her, Jill, Nina and everyone else. Including me! LOL Anyone else out there watching?? What do you guys think of all the wacko storylines, bringning back old characters, or about the whole Sharon baby daddy thing? Yeah, I get into it.. I've known these stories almost my entire life- I was watching when Nicholas Newman was born, lol. And then suddenly became older than me... and yet, sort of my age... Gotta love aging the kids in Soap Land..

Anyway, that's my summer so far. Kiddos and sunshine, an occasional get together, hanging out in the yard with friends and just soaking it up. And of course, a trip to Genoa City at the end of the day.... What about you? Tell me about your summer?

Beautiful

I've got a song for ya. I have a passion for music, especially lyrics. Grab me, pull me in, make me think. Make me RELATE. I want to hear something and say- yes, I've been there, absolutely. This week, it happened in a big way. I think that this is one of the best songs I've ever heard. I don't think anyone could hear it without it hitting home. It's deep... but it has the attitude I can't seem to get enough of.

People are judgmental. Believe me, I am too. It's so easy to look at others and think what we'd do in their shoes... the things they do that we "never would". The opportunities they do or don't have and don't "do it right"... like we would. Thing is, you don't know how you would do, say, react, live... until you are in someone else's shoes, in their hearts and minds you have no clue what makes them tick. Or why they are on the paths they are. You can think you know it all day long... but you just don't. And no one knows it about you, either. We all make choices that people judge us for. We are all under a microscope at some point. So think about it next time you want to gossip, speculate or whatever else- how do you know? Really?

This video DOES have some profanity, so you may want to grab some headphones! :)

School's (Almost) Out For Summer!

Alyssa announced somewhat gleefully to me the other day that there are around 11-12 school days left until they are out for the summer. I'm already in summer mode, so I'm ready. We're going to be busy, that's my goal. We're going to have many adventures, this summer, and crash out at night happy about the day and excited for the next. We're going to get sunburnt and tan, drink Kool-Aid and eat cold fruit salads and sandwiches. We're all going to run barefoot and just enjoy every moment of it. I LOVE summer. Until August. By then we're all too hot, too tired, and ready to get back to school. But until then, it's party time!

I have a couple recipes up at my other blog. I'm having fun with it, looking through old recipes, finding new ones, tweaking things. I may head into more summer friendly recipes, but right now I'm adding some of the favorites and regulars here at our house. Keep a lookout, you may find something you like!

The IEP meeting for Jake's next school year was yesterday, and I feel better about things than I did. He has been placed in the first grade, and the over all goal for the school year is permanent placement in a "regular" classroom for second grade. His teachers and therapists seem on the same page as I am, and really, that's all that matters to me. That we are his team, working toward the same goals. I don't want to feel as if I'm the enemy because I want what is best for my child. But, I'll play that role if I absolutely have to, know what I'm sayin? Either way- I'm confident and content with it. And plan on trying NOT to worry about it over the summer!

What are your summer plans? I have a couple things up my sleeve.... do you?

Ya Know it's Monday...

Happy Mommy's Day to all the super moms out there. a little late (as usual) but I was with my family all weekend doing a whole lotta nothing and enjoying every minute. LOL I hope all of you were pampered and spoiled this weekend, lavished with homemade cards and stories that you will keep forever, and didn't have to lift (barely) a finger!

I have to tell you, I am so excited by one of my gifts this year- I finally got the stand mixer I've been drooling over for awhile now. I've had hand mixers, and a wooden spoon, but now that I'm baking and cooking so much more, trying new recipes, making my own as I go, this will make life sooo much simpler! And who doesn't want simpler, really? I think I'd marry the thing if I could- all twelve speeds of it. Wait.. that sounded... eh. Well. Moving on....

The mixer came with a recipe disk. This is where it gets more exciting. For me. It's filled with easy cakes, cookies, frostings, etc... and everything but the frosting starts with a cake mix. There's a how to, there are photos, and you can make your own recipe book, add your recipes, pics, etc. I'm in heaven over here with it all. And I now know how to make bunny cakes, cat cakes and sandcastle cakes. Seriously, diagrams are a must- I'm craft-impaired. I may end up with a deformed rabbit cake, but I'm planning on trying, because stuff like that is so fun to do with the kids. And then you can blame them if it looks funny... LOL!

I'm going to start taking more pictures as I do cook, and posting more- it's a promise. I'm committing to more posting, more pics and more recipes. Except my lasagna- never will I share that, it's my secret weapon. It goes up there with the rest of my arsenal, and is off limits. Everything else is up for grabs. Be forewarned, though- I'm not a gourmet chef. I'm not going to make a rack of lamb here, guys. But I can give you easy, inexpensive and very picky family friendly. And when I say picky, I'm not exaggerating- my kids are PICKY. Alyssa won't even eat pizza or peanut butter. I can't make things without sneaking things in, and I've learned that spices and seasoning are my best friends.

So, that's all. I'm rolling some ideas around in my head, and we may be looking at a more domestic not so domestic. But, I'm going to be doing it with the music blaring and a glass of wine in hand, probably with a sink full of dishes and kids running wild. So.. not too much is changing. ;)

Stay tuned... the party is just starting!

A Spring In Her Step

**Apologies to everyone getting this via mail- the first one published a blank post**

What is UP, Internet? I feel good, for the first time in almost three weeks. No chills or fever, no congestion, and almost no cough. I'd almost forgotten what it felt like to feel... good. My energy levels are climbing, I feel like doing something other than hovering under a blanket with a cup of tea , tissues and Vicks. Love it! Apparently, whooping cough is going around here (just heard this today) and it sounds eerily similar to what I was going through. Scary stuff, that!

There has been a lot of cooking here at Casa Diva lately. Recipes, recipes... I know, I know. But I'm SO paranoid about my stuff I honestly believe I'll post something and get a million replies along the lines of "That sucked!" or "OMG how awful!" Or "Boring!" Yeah, need to work on that whole not giving a crap thing. :)

Anyway, just wanted to give a little hug to everyone, since I'm feeling a1,00o times better in every way right now. Spring is in the air, things are slowing, possibly, to a semi normal pace, and I feel like I can breathe again. Literally. Without coughing up a lung. Life, Internet, is good.

Blerrrgh

Long time no see.. again. I know. It's been awhile since I really felt like I had much to say, and it seems like the hours in a day are becoming less and less. The kids have less than 40 days left of school, and honestly, I'm relieved. Then maybe we can relax, have more time, maybe even have some fun. Between school, holidays and this weather being so back and forth, it feels like all any of us have been doing is putting in time and wondering where the day went.

Alyssa has her state testing coming up, for Math and Reading, so we've been trying to do a little here and there to ease the panic she's feeling about that. I think they pressure these kids way too much at a young age- I remember taking these tests every year and not really being too concerned over them. But, I also don't remember feeling like I'd be a total failure if I didn't do well... and I think that how kids do on these particular tests is different than how they do in school, or on the regular tests and quizzes they have on the stuff they're learning daily. Every kid develops at his or her own pace, they learn differently, retain information differently.... and some kids put themselves under a lot of pressure to do it all "right", and end up doing poorly because they were so worried about just that. So, there's been a lot of talking, of going over the state guides, and just reassuring her that she passed in the fall, she'll pass again.

I'm getting prepared for the end of year IEP for Jake, that will get things set up for next year. I have no idea what that will bring, because I don't feel we've worked as much of a team to meet the goals we set for him. They set the bar low for him... and to me, that gives him an excuse not to try, not to push himself. Set the bar high and we will find his strengths and weaknesses that way. I'm not saying he won't have limitations, because everyone has something they don't excel at, or they struggle with. The key is letting him find it, and giving him the tools to be determined to push himself. If it's so easy he never struggles, he will have no clue how to handle it when something is too hard, you know?

Easter was good. Lots of plastic eggs, LOL, lots of candy. The Bunny did good this year, and the kids had a great day. I managed to come down with some monster cold and have been sick for over a week now... I haven't felt this miserable in a long, long time. It started as a cold and cough and now we've progressed to aches and fever, chills and all that fun stuff. I just can't shake it and it's driving me nuts! I hate being sick, I hate taking medicines, and I hate waiting for it to g away. I'm a bad patient, but I also just don't have time to feel so lousy and still keep motivated. But I managed to keep the worst at bay until after the holiday, which I'm glad for. Now I'm just praying no one else comes down with it! I'd rather be sick than have the kids down with it.

Not much else has been going on. I've been hibernating a lot, spending a lot of time with the kiddos and planning for summer and for the next school year. I've had a case of the "blahs", which could have been this bug coming on, or could have been the dreary weather, who knows? I need the sun, that's for sure! And I haven't gotten to see a lot of it lately- April showers and all that fun stuff. :)

I hope all of you had a terrific holiday, spring break, however you celebrate it. And I hope everyone's healthy and enjoying a little bit of the spring weather, if you can!

A Cleansing Breath....

AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

OK, that works SO much better than a deep breath. For me, anyway. I've been taking a self imposed hiatus from the net lately, mainly because we've been battling these God awful chest colds that seem to have no intention of going anywhere, and by the time the rest of my coughers are asleep, I want nothing more than a hot bath, hot tea and bed.

But, I've also been spending more time just being, you know what I mean? Doing things, little things, to make things easier. Someone has to. And it's started to make things run a little more on the even keel I've craved and not had for so long. So, if that means less time online, I'm all for it.

But I do miss you, Internet. Not like I thought I would maybe, but I do. I'm not abandoning you, I'm just taking more time to balance what I need to and reconfigure some of the aspects of life that weren't working. Or were, but not the way they could be. And I need to figure out how much of that is me, then go from there.

Miss Lyss had a birthday last week, so there's a birthday post coming, I promise. Pics and all :) She got a few things she really wanted and I made her a chocolate cake that went over so well, she didn't want a bakery cake for her get together this weekend. She requested homemade again... made my day!

We are having some struggles with Jake and school again, so please keep your fingers crossed for the next little while. Nothing like before, but some behavior issues and ups and downs that are starting to keep things from being as balanced as they were. I'm stressin' here, on a lot of levels, and I'm not sure where to go with it, you know? Writing about it helps, but there's so much that can't really be said, either because I can't find the words, or I can't put some things out there. So, just think of us, would ya? On all levels.

I may post sporadically for the next little bit, but I'm not going anywhere. I just need some time to get my mind right (ha) and doing that isn't as easy as I want it to be. But, the best things don't come easy, and I'm not one to back down when I'm facing a challenge. Even a self imposed challenge. So, bear with me and keep checking back. I'll be around!

Books and Stuff

I've been writing for as long as I can remember. Same for reading. I have always had an appetite for fiction, and some non fiction, and I've always loved making my own little worlds where my characters live. I would love nothing more than to be published. That, so far, has not happened, and the self publishing route has been satisfying, for the most part.

I previously had 2 novels on one site for distribution, but due to policy and price changes I'm moving my stuff over to Amazon. They have a self publishing site of their own now, Create Space, and it seems a lot more cost effective and user friendly. I mean, I'm proud of my work, but not proud enough to expect someone to pay $70 for a paperback book- and that would be without royalties for the author. Ridiculous.

So, I set things up, and have a paperback of Sky Paintings on the way for me to proofread and check, then I'll give the ok to publish, and voila- type me in on Amazon, find my book. Almost like a "real" author, eh?

This is all happening from a friend of mine who recently read Sky Paintings, and has offered me a possible opportunity. I don't want to say much, or jinx myself, so mum's the word for now. I'm excited, flattered, and a little embarrassed- I'm not used to the attention, honestly, and I'm uncertain what to do with it. The idea of a possible group of people, unrelated to me, enjoying my book and wanting to know more? Intrigues me... but scares me some, too. I'm not interesting, LOL. I'm just... me, I guess.

Anyway, that's the long and short of it right now. I'm working on setting the space up, and possibly tossing Deadly Vision up, just because. I may have hated the work, but I did it. I'll keep you posted, and in the meantime.... enjoy that video down there! ; )

Pieces of Me Part 1

So, I had started this post and been writing on it off and on all morning. For almost two hours, I was back and forth, putting together a semi "25 things", because I keep getting tagged on Facebook and MySpace, and on a couple of the blogs I follow. I had decided to do it in parts, because I'm a rambler, and figured 25 things would end up taking up an entire page, so why not break it up. And in the midst of it all, Blogger decided to just delete the whole thing.

After sitting, open mouthed, staring at the screen for a couple of seconds, then telling Blogger pretty creatively what it can do with its mother, father, quite possibly the dog and all of it's neighbors, here I am again.

I've done a few of these before, and I apologize for any repeats, but I'm too lazy to look through the archives and see what I've said about myself before. We'll skip the obvious Oreo obsession, coffee love and NKOTB illness I enjoy every minute of. Although, after seeing them on Regis this morning, I'm sure there will be posts that mention this a few (hundred) times. I will do my best to refrain from mentioning Joe McIntyre's ass in jeans. No promises there, though- they're on the Today show tomorrow, so we all know I may be well into the babbling, non blinking stage for awhile. What can I say? There's something to be said for that man in jeans... a lot of which is very inappropriate, and will remain firmly in my head.

Anyway, where was I... I got a little.. sidetracked. **cough** Oh, right- 25 things. Or at least, a few of 25 or more things. Right.

I'm very passionate about my beliefs. I appreciate diverse views, opinions and ideas, and enjoy a good debate. I don't have to agree with you, you don't have to agree with me. I respect that there are differences for a reason, and I think that's what makes things so interesting. However, I also appreciate the courtesy I extend- don't push what you believe on me as "right" or "true" or "the only way". I don't force my thoughts on anyone, intentionally.

I have zero tolerance for ignorance, racism, etc. I do not understand the theory behind hating someone based on their color, ethnicity, lifestyle, etc. Everyone has the right to be happy, and to be themselves without worry, fear or hatred. why does it matter who we love, what our faith is, where we come from? We're all human beings, and what you think of as so different, or weird, or awful... maybe someone thinks it about you? Ya know?

I love movies, TV, music from the 50's, 60's and 70's. I would love to have been growing up in the 60's and 70's. Woodstock? Would have soooo been there. To see Janis Joplin perform live? Come on, seriously?? I'd have enjoyed the hell out of those decades- I'd have protested the war, burned my bra and been arrested. I'd have had a peace sign big as anything (ok, I did at one point, but for an entirely different reason.. ) worn Lennon shades (again...did.. but for another reason) and probably been barefoot and content.

I am still writing, even though I don't do it as often as I want to. I have three unfinished novels and several outlines and characters waiting for me in my Word program. They mock me sometimes, but I peck away when I can. One of my finished novels, Deadly Vision, I hate with a passion. Hate is too weak a word for it, really. I don't hate it because I think it sucks, I hate it because I revised that damn thing forEVER and still didn't get it quite where I wanted. My "vision", haha, was not great for that one.

I hate reality TV. I watched the first 3 seasons of The Real World eons ago, and enjoyed it. It was interesting, new and not crammed down my throat. Now? Everywhere I look, there's a new reality show. I don't watch if I can help it. I did watch Dancing With the Stars for one season, but ya know.

I have never read the Twilight books. Or Harry Potter. No, not even one. I have never even held one of those books in my hand. Yes, I know. I know.

OK. That's it for the first little bit. Nothing intriguing, I'm afraid, but a little more to know.

Watch the 10 am hour of Today tomorrow! Heh. I'm crossing my finger for jeans!

New Look, New(ish) Outlook

I've been wanting to change things up over here for awhile. Not just the look- I do that all the time, because I doubt I'll ever find a "look" to have permanently. Nothing ever screams "keep me", ya know?

What I'm talking about is changing up the content some. I've said (repeatedly) that I won't be guarded on here. And to a degree, I'm not. On some things (uber personal issues, friends-relatives names, etc.) I always will be, and I've explained all that before. (Again, repeatedly.) But this is my space, and sometimes I honestly think it isn't truly mine, if that makes sense. I say a lot, and there's still so much I don't say. Because of who may or may not read here, or what so-and so may think if I really let loose and say what I'm thinking.

So, I'm done with it. Read it or don't (I know, how many people have said it how many times on their own spaces... and how many times have I said it here?)... I don't want to worry about who is looking for innuendo in my words, who is making fun, who is picking apart my pictures, my ideas, or my life. I don't have time for the added worry, or for the wary feeling I've had lately. Read it, take what you want to (people do that anyway) or don't come here. My space, my thoughts, my junk.

That said, let's get on with it. I've shown you pieces of myself for the last year or so, and what you've gotten so far is barely enough to begin putting those pieces together for a clear picture. I'm not perfect, and I don't want to be... sometimes. LOL I'm messy, unorganized, short tempered, and have a very (VERY) low tolerance for bullshit. I give as good as I get, and I'm loyal (to a fault), to the people I love. Whether they deserve it or not.

So, here is my invitation to you. Let's put the pieces together. Let's have some laughs, a glass (or six) of wine and get to know one another. Welcome to the "new" blog. Pull up a kitchen chair and get comfy.

Everything, Nothing and In Between

I am interrupting the beginning of our regularly scheduled (ok, sporadically, when you least expect it, cause I'm too cool for schedules, if "cool" means held hostage by snowed in children) post to mention that today, I am filled with hope. There is change on the way for our country, hopefully positive. I feel it will be, but I'm not in the business of guaranteeing people will follow promises with action. Cause, seriously? My radar with that is sometimes waaaay off. But, I feel somewhat renewed. Whether you agree or not, like it or not, we did make some history with this election. I feel the right choice was made, I think that President Obama is the face of hope for a lot of people. To me it isn't about race, it's about the best person for a job. But, I do feel that by winning the election, Obama sends another message of hope to this country- anything can happen. In other words- "Yes, we can." Let's see what we take from this, and do with it. If we want change, we have to make change, too.

A change I'd like to make? To see some green outside. this white crap is killing me. When it's not in single digits, or negatives (which has just been so much fun!!!-do you hear the sarcasm? cause it's not dripping, it's oozing) it's snowing. When it's not snowing, it's a glare of ice. Today is the first day back to school with no delays, and it's snowing. I am shaking my head, squeezing my eyes shut and wishing for a beach somewhere.

But, I can wish for beaches all day long. Not happening. I will deal with this weather the way I have been (no, not by drinking! Why would you say such a thing?.....), and somehow survive the cabin fever without listening to that inner voice that pops up and says "THAT'S why Jack Torrance went crazy on his family...."

I have been cooking and baking a lot lately. Playing around with some recipes and adjusting them to be more versatile, more picky person friendly, and just mine. Mine in the way that whenever my kids eat it, they'll remember just how good their mom's such-and such tasted. I've made muffins, cookies, chicken parmesan, burger dip, lasagna, my knock off stroganoff, chili mac, my sloppy Joe, tuna noodle, and drinks that can be made virgin for the kiddos and add a little something extra for the adults to give some extra warmth. I've been busy. I've also been mixing and matching candle scents to make my own blend for my candle warmer. Basically, my house is always warm, filled with food and smelling yummy. I'm losing the "not so" part of my title here, people. Winter is domesticating me in ways I've never been domesticated before. I'm afraid, Internet. Hold me.

I started out doing it to prove a point, I think. That I **could** try new recipes and ideas without that stupid fear of failure. And I was GOOD at it- my kids enjoyed every single thing. even Alyssa, who is so picky I want to scream sometimes. The kid hates peanut butter. And pizza. And eight hundred other things. They liked the sandwiches I made up as I went, the casseroles and new meatballs and burgers... and I liked that for every new thing they tried, one more fast fix went out the door. You know you've spoiled them when your toddler turns her nose up at spaghetti-o's, and opts for your own pasta. Especially when spaghetti-o's were her favorite food. Heehee.

I'm enjoying this domesticity and that's weird! I've never really BEEN that way before- I mean, i cook, clean, all that good stuff, but there's been so much negative stuff that kept me from really trying to enjoy myself, in whatever I was doing. I've never truly taken pleasure out of creating things, because there was always something keeping me from really letting loose and just going wild with it.

I'm telling you- life really does begin at thirty. Because now I DO go wild with it, whatever it happens to be. And I figure it someone doesn't like it, they can kiss my ass and go on their way. Never thought of it that way before. Now that I do, it's a lot more fun! It makes for an easier day, I'll say that much. You worry soooo much less when you realize that no one, outside your own four walls, has an opinion that can make or break you. Even more when you realize that no one in those four walls does, either.

I've spent a lot of time cracking my own shell, and now I think it's finally just busted open and someone brand new has stepped out. It does make people look at you differently, having a confidence in yourself, a better posture, a better outlook. And it FEELS so much better. I'm a better person than I've been in a long, long time. and that makes me a better mom. I'll take it.... and accept the casualties that come with it. Sometimes, there's just no other way. Sometimes, there are no more roads left, and it has to be a brand new direction.

Anyway....

If you like to cook, bake, or just have the option, you should check out Tastebook. they have a really awesome selection iof recipes, you can make your own books, add photos, etc... there are a lot of options over there. I've got four little books started already, LOL. It's addiciting!

What about you, Internet? Favorite dishes? Faves you cook or someone cooks/has cooked for you? Things your family can't live without?