I had a really good weekend. You know by now that I am always going to tell you about those moments, those “aha!” times... and whether I learn for a minute or a day, or maybe-hopefully- a lifetime, I'm going to relish every one of them. I had a lot of them this weekend. A lot of them the last couple weeks, I suppose, but the best ones came from this weekend. For the first time in a long time, I really appreciated and paid attention to what was going on around me- the little things, the big ones... and I am so thankful for the people who remind me, daily, to be grateful, humble, and to hold onto all I do have with all that I've got.
I spent Saturday morning with some of the women in my family, and it was the most amazing experience. We had a Mother-Daughter brunch at my mother-in-law and sister-in- law's church, and my mother-in-law was the speaker. She truly does have a gift with words, written and spoken. Not just a talent, which she has more than I could hope for, but a GIFT. She speaks from her very soul, and there wasn't a woman in that room who wasn't touched... because she was speaking to us. Reminding us that we are loved, blessed, important. That we are never alone, our shoulders should never slump, heads should never be down. She reminded us how important we all are- each of us unique, with gifts and talents of our own. And she reminded me that there is peace in faith.
I have a hard time with that- with having that unshakable knowing that even my most well kept secrets are not just mine to keep, to know. That I am not the only one who sees and knows my heart, my soul, my reasons and reactions. I have a hard time with that, with that absolute. I struggle with faith, with God and I really shouldn't- I have seen plenty of miracles, been given plenty of signs. I don't doubt He is there. I wonder how He could be there for me, that's all. And I envy that absolute- knowing you are never alone, your walk is never solitary. I question everything, it's part of who I am. I analyze, think, wonder, and do it all again. I could probably analyze myself to death over things... but maybe that's part of that being unique thing?
I walked out of there with a better sense of who my family is, where my husband came from, and how amazing it is really belonging. I belong to these people, and they belong to me. And that honestly is through the grace of God- there is nothing else that could have kept us together. But to know that? To really see that? It nearly knocked me down- I really belong with them. I'm theirs, they're mine... for the kid who never fit, the woman who skirted the outside of the line because of this, this or that? That was my gift this Mother's Day. They gave it back, what I've been missing, questioning, chasing. It really was right there in front of me- I just had to knock some old walls down to see it. Or rather, the walls were knocked down for me, which is sometimes even better. I have a new sense of myself, my faith, and my worth. As a woman, a mother, a wife, a daughter, sister, lover, friend... this weekend gave it back to me. In pieces, in words and gestures, I started to feel a little more peace, a little more me. That finding and holding onto me thing is a killer, you know? But finding me comes from the mountains as well as the valleys, and knowing what matters and what doesn't. And knowing that it isn't always peaceful or easy... there are hard questions, awful moments, and difficult choices and decisions. But that doesn't change the core, the base, that foundation. Unless I let it. The only thing really shaking the tree is me- no one can make it or break it, but my emotions and reactions sure can.
There was one thing said over this entire weekend that immediately opened up a part of me that I'd thought I would never see again. It wasn't said to me, and no one but me probably even remembers it being said. I haven't shared it, and I won't, but that one statement shook loose a lot of cobwebs, and THAT was when my shoulders relaxed, my head popped up, and had you looked closely enough, that was my moment. Over everything else, that was my moment. Everything else was able to really sink in and take hold because of it. And the best part was it didn't give me any glee, it didn't give me that sense of satisfaction that it would have before.. it just was, because it was true in the real sense of things. And acknowledgment does a lot. And even when it isn't said out loud, actions tell you a lot as well.
It isn't about being right, being better, being above- I've said it before. It's just about being, knowing your limits, seeing your strengths and your weaknesses equally. Without patting yourself on the back, or berating yourself. It is what it is, and every day is new, every day is a chance to begin something else, learn something new...
You can't change others, but you can change yourself. Reactions again. I'm going to keep my heart as open as my eyes, and see what is rather than what isn't. There is no what if, there is no might have been, or could be... this is what is. And I've been missing it, hiding from it, pushing it away because of what was. I'm just going to trust, in myself and in the people I love. The only walls I want are the ones against the negative- there's way too much of that in the world, and letting go, being rid of it, is hard. But it eats away at everything that counts. That's what is so hard to remember sometimes- we focus so much on one negative, one jab, one thing that chips away at all the good we really do have. It takes away from the significant. I'm not doing that anymore- I owe too much to the people who love me, the people I have and am building this life and these memories with, to allow anything to stand in the way of it. There has been too much hurt, too many moments that would have been perfect but for... It's such a waste. I don't want to waste the time I've got, and I'm not going to anymore. Emotions have a trickle effect, and why should any of us allow all the outside bs to trickle in, change our moments, days or lives? Because it's meant to? Because it's pointed? Who cares? That isn't on me, that's only for me to recognize and react to. That's where my choice lies. And it's easy to get worked up, angry, worried... but why, when it's obviously the point? Especially when it's obviously the point? And even more so, when it doesn't matter to anyone else? That's what I needed to see, I think- I wasn't the only one seeing it. I was just the only one reacting.
Like I said, it was a good weekend. I had a lot of conversations, a lot of lessons, and the main lightbulb moments I needed, from the people I needed them from most. The strongest tie in the world is love. I belong with the people I have, and they belong with me. The rest of it doesn't hold weight or power over me unless I choose to allow that. And why should I, when no one else is? Does that mean all the negative will magically disappear? Of course not. Does it mean things won't touch a nerve, cause an annoyance? Nope. But it does mean that I'm not allowing it into my day, or into our lives, to make a major out of a minor. It does mean that I can see some things as almost routine- because it really is obvious- and just go on. I choose to be transparent and enjoy my life with good people and good times, not to be transparent and enjoy my life by being negative or spiteful. That's my choice. What's yours?
Showing posts with label holidays. Show all posts
Showing posts with label holidays. Show all posts
5/10/10
5/11/09
Ya Know it's Monday...
Happy Mommy's Day to all the super moms out there. a little late (as usual) but I was with my family all weekend doing a whole lotta nothing and enjoying every minute. LOL I hope all of you were pampered and spoiled this weekend, lavished with homemade cards and stories that you will keep forever, and didn't have to lift (barely) a finger!
I have to tell you, I am so excited by one of my gifts this year- I finally got the stand mixer I've been drooling over for awhile now. I've had hand mixers, and a wooden spoon, but now that I'm baking and cooking so much more, trying new recipes, making my own as I go, this will make life sooo much simpler! And who doesn't want simpler, really? I think I'd marry the thing if I could- all twelve speeds of it. Wait.. that sounded... eh. Well. Moving on....
The mixer came with a recipe disk. This is where it gets more exciting. For me. It's filled with easy cakes, cookies, frostings, etc... and everything but the frosting starts with a cake mix. There's a how to, there are photos, and you can make your own recipe book, add your recipes, pics, etc. I'm in heaven over here with it all. And I now know how to make bunny cakes, cat cakes and sandcastle cakes. Seriously, diagrams are a must- I'm craft-impaired. I may end up with a deformed rabbit cake, but I'm planning on trying, because stuff like that is so fun to do with the kids. And then you can blame them if it looks funny... LOL!
I'm going to start taking more pictures as I do cook, and posting more- it's a promise. I'm committing to more posting, more pics and more recipes. Except my lasagna- never will I share that, it's my secret weapon. It goes up there with the rest of my arsenal, and is off limits. Everything else is up for grabs. Be forewarned, though- I'm not a gourmet chef. I'm not going to make a rack of lamb here, guys. But I can give you easy, inexpensive and very picky family friendly. And when I say picky, I'm not exaggerating- my kids are PICKY. Alyssa won't even eat pizza or peanut butter. I can't make things without sneaking things in, and I've learned that spices and seasoning are my best friends.
So, that's all. I'm rolling some ideas around in my head, and we may be looking at a more domestic not so domestic. But, I'm going to be doing it with the music blaring and a glass of wine in hand, probably with a sink full of dishes and kids running wild. So.. not too much is changing. ;)
Stay tuned... the party is just starting!
I have to tell you, I am so excited by one of my gifts this year- I finally got the stand mixer I've been drooling over for awhile now. I've had hand mixers, and a wooden spoon, but now that I'm baking and cooking so much more, trying new recipes, making my own as I go, this will make life sooo much simpler! And who doesn't want simpler, really? I think I'd marry the thing if I could- all twelve speeds of it. Wait.. that sounded... eh. Well. Moving on....
The mixer came with a recipe disk. This is where it gets more exciting. For me. It's filled with easy cakes, cookies, frostings, etc... and everything but the frosting starts with a cake mix. There's a how to, there are photos, and you can make your own recipe book, add your recipes, pics, etc. I'm in heaven over here with it all. And I now know how to make bunny cakes, cat cakes and sandcastle cakes. Seriously, diagrams are a must- I'm craft-impaired. I may end up with a deformed rabbit cake, but I'm planning on trying, because stuff like that is so fun to do with the kids. And then you can blame them if it looks funny... LOL!
I'm going to start taking more pictures as I do cook, and posting more- it's a promise. I'm committing to more posting, more pics and more recipes. Except my lasagna- never will I share that, it's my secret weapon. It goes up there with the rest of my arsenal, and is off limits. Everything else is up for grabs. Be forewarned, though- I'm not a gourmet chef. I'm not going to make a rack of lamb here, guys. But I can give you easy, inexpensive and very picky family friendly. And when I say picky, I'm not exaggerating- my kids are PICKY. Alyssa won't even eat pizza or peanut butter. I can't make things without sneaking things in, and I've learned that spices and seasoning are my best friends.
So, that's all. I'm rolling some ideas around in my head, and we may be looking at a more domestic not so domestic. But, I'm going to be doing it with the music blaring and a glass of wine in hand, probably with a sink full of dishes and kids running wild. So.. not too much is changing. ;)
Stay tuned... the party is just starting!
4/16/09
Blerrrgh
Long time no see.. again. I know. It's been awhile since I really felt like I had much to say, and it seems like the hours in a day are becoming less and less. The kids have less than 40 days left of school, and honestly, I'm relieved. Then maybe we can relax, have more time, maybe even have some fun. Between school, holidays and this weather being so back and forth, it feels like all any of us have been doing is putting in time and wondering where the day went.
Alyssa has her state testing coming up, for Math and Reading, so we've been trying to do a little here and there to ease the panic she's feeling about that. I think they pressure these kids way too much at a young age- I remember taking these tests every year and not really being too concerned over them. But, I also don't remember feeling like I'd be a total failure if I didn't do well... and I think that how kids do on these particular tests is different than how they do in school, or on the regular tests and quizzes they have on the stuff they're learning daily. Every kid develops at his or her own pace, they learn differently, retain information differently.... and some kids put themselves under a lot of pressure to do it all "right", and end up doing poorly because they were so worried about just that. So, there's been a lot of talking, of going over the state guides, and just reassuring her that she passed in the fall, she'll pass again.
I'm getting prepared for the end of year IEP for Jake, that will get things set up for next year. I have no idea what that will bring, because I don't feel we've worked as much of a team to meet the goals we set for him. They set the bar low for him... and to me, that gives him an excuse not to try, not to push himself. Set the bar high and we will find his strengths and weaknesses that way. I'm not saying he won't have limitations, because everyone has something they don't excel at, or they struggle with. The key is letting him find it, and giving him the tools to be determined to push himself. If it's so easy he never struggles, he will have no clue how to handle it when something is too hard, you know?
Easter was good. Lots of plastic eggs, LOL, lots of candy. The Bunny did good this year, and the kids had a great day. I managed to come down with some monster cold and have been sick for over a week now... I haven't felt this miserable in a long, long time. It started as a cold and cough and now we've progressed to aches and fever, chills and all that fun stuff. I just can't shake it and it's driving me nuts! I hate being sick, I hate taking medicines, and I hate waiting for it to g away. I'm a bad patient, but I also just don't have time to feel so lousy and still keep motivated. But I managed to keep the worst at bay until after the holiday, which I'm glad for. Now I'm just praying no one else comes down with it! I'd rather be sick than have the kids down with it.
Not much else has been going on. I've been hibernating a lot, spending a lot of time with the kiddos and planning for summer and for the next school year. I've had a case of the "blahs", which could have been this bug coming on, or could have been the dreary weather, who knows? I need the sun, that's for sure! And I haven't gotten to see a lot of it lately- April showers and all that fun stuff. :)
I hope all of you had a terrific holiday, spring break, however you celebrate it. And I hope everyone's healthy and enjoying a little bit of the spring weather, if you can!
Alyssa has her state testing coming up, for Math and Reading, so we've been trying to do a little here and there to ease the panic she's feeling about that. I think they pressure these kids way too much at a young age- I remember taking these tests every year and not really being too concerned over them. But, I also don't remember feeling like I'd be a total failure if I didn't do well... and I think that how kids do on these particular tests is different than how they do in school, or on the regular tests and quizzes they have on the stuff they're learning daily. Every kid develops at his or her own pace, they learn differently, retain information differently.... and some kids put themselves under a lot of pressure to do it all "right", and end up doing poorly because they were so worried about just that. So, there's been a lot of talking, of going over the state guides, and just reassuring her that she passed in the fall, she'll pass again.
I'm getting prepared for the end of year IEP for Jake, that will get things set up for next year. I have no idea what that will bring, because I don't feel we've worked as much of a team to meet the goals we set for him. They set the bar low for him... and to me, that gives him an excuse not to try, not to push himself. Set the bar high and we will find his strengths and weaknesses that way. I'm not saying he won't have limitations, because everyone has something they don't excel at, or they struggle with. The key is letting him find it, and giving him the tools to be determined to push himself. If it's so easy he never struggles, he will have no clue how to handle it when something is too hard, you know?
Easter was good. Lots of plastic eggs, LOL, lots of candy. The Bunny did good this year, and the kids had a great day. I managed to come down with some monster cold and have been sick for over a week now... I haven't felt this miserable in a long, long time. It started as a cold and cough and now we've progressed to aches and fever, chills and all that fun stuff. I just can't shake it and it's driving me nuts! I hate being sick, I hate taking medicines, and I hate waiting for it to g away. I'm a bad patient, but I also just don't have time to feel so lousy and still keep motivated. But I managed to keep the worst at bay until after the holiday, which I'm glad for. Now I'm just praying no one else comes down with it! I'd rather be sick than have the kids down with it.
Not much else has been going on. I've been hibernating a lot, spending a lot of time with the kiddos and planning for summer and for the next school year. I've had a case of the "blahs", which could have been this bug coming on, or could have been the dreary weather, who knows? I need the sun, that's for sure! And I haven't gotten to see a lot of it lately- April showers and all that fun stuff. :)
I hope all of you had a terrific holiday, spring break, however you celebrate it. And I hope everyone's healthy and enjoying a little bit of the spring weather, if you can!
12/31/08
NYE Baby!
It's the last day of 2008 (duh). Resolutions anyone? And don't tell me you want to lose weight, stop smoking, eat better.... give me something besides those every year, broken after a couple weeks resolutions. I'm guilty of breaking some of those myself, as well as the cutting back on caffeine, junk food, etc. I've learned resolutions, much like rules, are made to be broken... or at least accidentally.
My resolutions? Since this last year has been one of the best I've had in a long time, and I think I've some out on the better side of things, emotionally, I'm going to stick with that. And keep moving forward. So, for 2009, it's all about laughing more, worrying less, and going with the flow. I'm going to take more pictures, go more places with my kids, and keep on this path I've started on. It's a good one, a healthy one, one I walked around and ignored for a really long time. It was like flipping a switch, though. Once the light was on, I couldn't turn it off. And now... now it's like it was always on.
That's not to say I'm Mary Sunshine, ok? I'm just more in the middle. The glass is half full. It really is, because even if it's half empty... it's equally full. Ya know? Perspective. And there are still plenty of days that are shitty, plenty of moments where I cry the ugly cry (every woman has an ugly cry, and if you've never seen one, consider yourself luckier than most people), when I scream and cuss and want to kick someone's ass. But I've learned those are moments that pass just like everything else. and hey, if you're mad as hell, you're feeling something, right? It takes passion to be that pissed off. It's when you can't find that passion anymore that there's a real problem.
Anyway. It's time to start a new year. I love it, the freshness of it, the "new beginning" vibe- kinda like that new car smell. Heh. It's a clean slate- 365 blank pages to fill however you choose. fill 'em with memories you'll enjoy looking back on. Seriously- get up every day with the intention of it being the best... it's all in the attitude, right? Right.
So, have a fantastic New Year's Eve, however you spend it. Be safe, whatever you do, wherever you go. Here's to the end of a wild ride.. and the beginning of the next!
And, seriously- did you think I'd slide out of 08 without it? Happy B-day, cutie pie. See ya next year!
My resolutions? Since this last year has been one of the best I've had in a long time, and I think I've some out on the better side of things, emotionally, I'm going to stick with that. And keep moving forward. So, for 2009, it's all about laughing more, worrying less, and going with the flow. I'm going to take more pictures, go more places with my kids, and keep on this path I've started on. It's a good one, a healthy one, one I walked around and ignored for a really long time. It was like flipping a switch, though. Once the light was on, I couldn't turn it off. And now... now it's like it was always on.
That's not to say I'm Mary Sunshine, ok? I'm just more in the middle. The glass is half full. It really is, because even if it's half empty... it's equally full. Ya know? Perspective. And there are still plenty of days that are shitty, plenty of moments where I cry the ugly cry (every woman has an ugly cry, and if you've never seen one, consider yourself luckier than most people), when I scream and cuss and want to kick someone's ass. But I've learned those are moments that pass just like everything else. and hey, if you're mad as hell, you're feeling something, right? It takes passion to be that pissed off. It's when you can't find that passion anymore that there's a real problem.
Anyway. It's time to start a new year. I love it, the freshness of it, the "new beginning" vibe- kinda like that new car smell. Heh. It's a clean slate- 365 blank pages to fill however you choose. fill 'em with memories you'll enjoy looking back on. Seriously- get up every day with the intention of it being the best... it's all in the attitude, right? Right.
So, have a fantastic New Year's Eve, however you spend it. Be safe, whatever you do, wherever you go. Here's to the end of a wild ride.. and the beginning of the next!
And, seriously- did you think I'd slide out of 08 without it? Happy B-day, cutie pie. See ya next year!
12/24/08
From Our House To Yours
It's Christmas Eve! the cookies are made and ready for Santa, the stockings are ready to be filled. The New Year is just around the corner, and I'm excited to see what changes 2009 will bring. 2008 brought more than a few, that's for sure.
Tomorrow will be the flurry of wrapping paper, dinner (lasagna here for Christmas!) and that cozy feeling of "after"- you know the one. When it's all said and done, you can just sit back with a stretch and a long "ahhhh"... and finally relax a little. Enjoy the lights and the tree for a little longer, without that feeling of hurry, hurry, get it all finished...
I hope that your 2008 was all that it could have been (and still be!), and that 2009 hold a promise, a twinkle in its eye and a mischievous grin that it's going to be an unforgettable year. Happy Holidays from Casa Diva, whatever you celebrate. May your year end and begin surrounded by family, friends, hope and home. But most of all, with love.
Merry Christmas, Internet! ....
.. And, oh yeah- have a funky New Year :)
Tomorrow will be the flurry of wrapping paper, dinner (lasagna here for Christmas!) and that cozy feeling of "after"- you know the one. When it's all said and done, you can just sit back with a stretch and a long "ahhhh"... and finally relax a little. Enjoy the lights and the tree for a little longer, without that feeling of hurry, hurry, get it all finished...
I hope that your 2008 was all that it could have been (and still be!), and that 2009 hold a promise, a twinkle in its eye and a mischievous grin that it's going to be an unforgettable year. Happy Holidays from Casa Diva, whatever you celebrate. May your year end and begin surrounded by family, friends, hope and home. But most of all, with love.
Merry Christmas, Internet! ....
.. And, oh yeah- have a funky New Year :)
12/16/08
Caffeine Fueled
Whew. It's nice to sit down with a cup of coffee (I'm way past one too many cups at this stage) and be able to chat with you for a minute here. This time of year is insane, which I'm sure all of you know already. There are too many things to do, on top of every day stuff to do... and the hours in the days just seem to speed past. I'm up to my ears in school plays, cookies, and wrapping paper right now. Every year it gets busier, as the kids get older. They have parties at school, gift exchanges, Secret Santa. Basically, from the end of November until Christmas break, they have free access to not only all the money we may have, or want to have, but also all the rest of our (tiny reserve) of sanity. I want everything to be perfect, and I'm learning to pace myself with it, rather than think about it until I'm down to the last day or two, running around like crazy cleaning and doing last minute things. that causes a lot of unnecessary frustrations. Procrastination, though a talent of mine, is not helpful.
I've been power cleaning, so all I'll need to do is a few last minute swipes with a dust rag and a quick run of the vacuum. I've also been writing- sort of. I've got a skeleton of a story roaming around in my head and making its way into my Word program. Bare bones right now, with a few names and ideas. For the strangest reason, names are the hardest thing for me. Once they're done, I can pretty much go with the flow, and let the story find its way. Because it usually does- it never ends up how I'd planned. The characters seem to take over and drive themselves along... and that's when i know I'm doing it right. :)
So, busy doesn't cover it. I'm so full of caffeine it's ridiculous... but I'm moving like a tornado through here, getting everything out of the way before the kids get off for break. The less I need to get done with everyone underfoot, the better. So, keep your fingers crossed that I can keep running. LOL I figure as long as the music keeps playing, and the coffee pot doesn't break down, I'm good.
Tonight it's Lyss' Christmas play. She is a rock star doll. Fitting. She gets to play air guitar. they've been practicing like crazy for weeks now, and she comes home exhausted, wondering aloud if she REALLY wants to be in musicals when she grows up. Ahhh, I love it! They are performing at the high school, which to her seems equivalent to "on Broadway", so she's been pretty nervous about it. I think it's cute, watching her walk around with her script, mumbling to herself. Complaining to me about some of the other kids not paying attention during rehearsals. "So unprofessional", she says. Complete with sigh, and hair toss. Cracks me up.
So, that's what's going on at Casa Diva right now. What's happening in your neck of the woods?
I've been power cleaning, so all I'll need to do is a few last minute swipes with a dust rag and a quick run of the vacuum. I've also been writing- sort of. I've got a skeleton of a story roaming around in my head and making its way into my Word program. Bare bones right now, with a few names and ideas. For the strangest reason, names are the hardest thing for me. Once they're done, I can pretty much go with the flow, and let the story find its way. Because it usually does- it never ends up how I'd planned. The characters seem to take over and drive themselves along... and that's when i know I'm doing it right. :)
So, busy doesn't cover it. I'm so full of caffeine it's ridiculous... but I'm moving like a tornado through here, getting everything out of the way before the kids get off for break. The less I need to get done with everyone underfoot, the better. So, keep your fingers crossed that I can keep running. LOL I figure as long as the music keeps playing, and the coffee pot doesn't break down, I'm good.
Tonight it's Lyss' Christmas play. She is a rock star doll. Fitting. She gets to play air guitar. they've been practicing like crazy for weeks now, and she comes home exhausted, wondering aloud if she REALLY wants to be in musicals when she grows up. Ahhh, I love it! They are performing at the high school, which to her seems equivalent to "on Broadway", so she's been pretty nervous about it. I think it's cute, watching her walk around with her script, mumbling to herself. Complaining to me about some of the other kids not paying attention during rehearsals. "So unprofessional", she says. Complete with sigh, and hair toss. Cracks me up.
So, that's what's going on at Casa Diva right now. What's happening in your neck of the woods?
12/11/08
Pretty Paper....
I watch my kids watching me prepare for Christmas. Alyssa, especially, is taking it all in, soaking it up, mentally filing the things we do away in her memory, so she can someday incorporate these family traditions into her own family. They are all still young enough for Santa, reindeer and cookies, but I have a small ache in my heart at thinking this could be the last year Alyssa believes. She asked me about Santa, earlier in the week. My response was to ask her what she thought. She answered that she still believes in her heart, and that makes him real enough for her. She's a smart one, my oldest girl. Because it's true.
Santa is magic and cookies and anticipation.. and more magic. He's something that kept us awake, wriggling in excitement, hoping to catch a glimpse of Rudolph, or Blitzen, eating their carrots as Santa munched on cookies, putting everything we ever asked for under the Christmas tree. And, for me, Santa is as magical now as he was then. Maybe more so. I understand the thrill my parents got watching me on Christmas morning- watching my eyes widen, hearing me gasp or squeal in excitement. There's just nothing like it. Bottle it, sell it, you'd make a million, believe me. There is just nothing as good as kids on Christmas morning.
We've got our music, like I've said. And I've finally had my moment. I knew it was coming, I could feel it creeping up on me as I watched them, as I lit candles, decorated rooms, made lists of ingredients for cookies, fudge and the like. And when Willie Nelson's voice came through the speakers, singing to us about his pretty paper, his pretty ribbons of blue... I had to take a breath. Then another. Then let my kids see me cry. Because there are times they need to understand that sad is ok. And someday, a long time from now hopefully, they will feel the same- I miss my mom.
I can finally say it, and feel it, for the first time, really. Whether that makes me cold, indifferent, whatever, there it is. Because of the past, the way our relationship was, it's been hard to miss her. To let go of the negative things she instilled in me, all the things she did to my friends, my life... someday I'll tell you more about that. For now, we will just say she was not an easy woman to live with, deal with. I never felt close to her as I got older, I felt trapped by her. I was afraid of her. But this year, seeing all the kids, I guess I can find a common ground with her.
She loved me, I know that. It wasn't a healthy love,but it was there. She decorated the way she did for me, for making the memories we did. The ones that stick, the ones I've brought to my own family. The ones that are warm and comfy, easy to smile at.. and I guess now, easy to cry for.
I miss being that young, coming in from school and seeing the lights, the decorations, the tree. I miss sitting with my Dad on Christmas Eve and morning, opening gifts and laughing. I miss the innocence and wonder I see in my own childrens' eyes. And I'm thankful, for all those Christmases my parents made so memorable and so magical. for having that to pass down, no matter what else is happening in the world around us. For twinkling lights, cookies, carrots, and most of all, for all that pretty paper.
Santa is magic and cookies and anticipation.. and more magic. He's something that kept us awake, wriggling in excitement, hoping to catch a glimpse of Rudolph, or Blitzen, eating their carrots as Santa munched on cookies, putting everything we ever asked for under the Christmas tree. And, for me, Santa is as magical now as he was then. Maybe more so. I understand the thrill my parents got watching me on Christmas morning- watching my eyes widen, hearing me gasp or squeal in excitement. There's just nothing like it. Bottle it, sell it, you'd make a million, believe me. There is just nothing as good as kids on Christmas morning.
We've got our music, like I've said. And I've finally had my moment. I knew it was coming, I could feel it creeping up on me as I watched them, as I lit candles, decorated rooms, made lists of ingredients for cookies, fudge and the like. And when Willie Nelson's voice came through the speakers, singing to us about his pretty paper, his pretty ribbons of blue... I had to take a breath. Then another. Then let my kids see me cry. Because there are times they need to understand that sad is ok. And someday, a long time from now hopefully, they will feel the same- I miss my mom.
I can finally say it, and feel it, for the first time, really. Whether that makes me cold, indifferent, whatever, there it is. Because of the past, the way our relationship was, it's been hard to miss her. To let go of the negative things she instilled in me, all the things she did to my friends, my life... someday I'll tell you more about that. For now, we will just say she was not an easy woman to live with, deal with. I never felt close to her as I got older, I felt trapped by her. I was afraid of her. But this year, seeing all the kids, I guess I can find a common ground with her.
She loved me, I know that. It wasn't a healthy love,but it was there. She decorated the way she did for me, for making the memories we did. The ones that stick, the ones I've brought to my own family. The ones that are warm and comfy, easy to smile at.. and I guess now, easy to cry for.
I miss being that young, coming in from school and seeing the lights, the decorations, the tree. I miss sitting with my Dad on Christmas Eve and morning, opening gifts and laughing. I miss the innocence and wonder I see in my own childrens' eyes. And I'm thankful, for all those Christmases my parents made so memorable and so magical. for having that to pass down, no matter what else is happening in the world around us. For twinkling lights, cookies, carrots, and most of all, for all that pretty paper.
12/6/08
Christmasy
Happy weekend, Internet! What's new?
Well, the house is decked out, the Christmas lights are on, and it's snowing outside. I'm making a stew pot of my taco goulash (which is my own recipe, and not traditional goulash... but oh, so hearty, spicy and yummy!) for dinner and decorating the kids' area with their tree and lights. We spread the Christmas out here at Casa Diva- that's what keeps the fun and excitement building, for all of us.
We're Christmasy. The house smells like gingerbread and cranberries, the recipes and ingredients lists are out and slowly being added to, taken off. The girls and I are baking cookies and other Christmas goodies next weekend with friends- I'm in my element right now. I'm in such a good mood it's sickening. But hey- it's Christmas!
I'm Christmas crazy, what can I say? I'm all about the tinsel, lights, smells and tradition. It's warm, it's cozy, it's familiar. It's something to look forward to- a season of curling up with family and friends, sharing recipes, traditions... building your own. That's what I love most of all, making the traditions that will be looked forward to, counted on, laughed about and remembered. Making traditions that my kids will hopefully take with them, adjust and blend into their own.
I may delve into the recipe archive I'm growing over here and start posting some favorites. I can't spill any family secrets, mind you, but I can toss out some yummies nonetheless.
Right now, I'm off to get my goulash simmering. Easiest recipe in the world, but tastes like you cooked all day- my favorite kind. And versatile! I do chili goulash, taco goulash, sloppy Joe goulash, Italian goulash... it never ends. Add in some rolls or warm bread- absolute heaven!
Now go enjoy your weekend! Be safe, warm and happy- don't do anything I wouldn't do (or a lot of what I would, for that matter!) and RELAX!!! It's Christmas- take a break! So, get outta here... go have some Christmas cookies!
Well, the house is decked out, the Christmas lights are on, and it's snowing outside. I'm making a stew pot of my taco goulash (which is my own recipe, and not traditional goulash... but oh, so hearty, spicy and yummy!) for dinner and decorating the kids' area with their tree and lights. We spread the Christmas out here at Casa Diva- that's what keeps the fun and excitement building, for all of us.
We're Christmasy. The house smells like gingerbread and cranberries, the recipes and ingredients lists are out and slowly being added to, taken off. The girls and I are baking cookies and other Christmas goodies next weekend with friends- I'm in my element right now. I'm in such a good mood it's sickening. But hey- it's Christmas!
I'm Christmas crazy, what can I say? I'm all about the tinsel, lights, smells and tradition. It's warm, it's cozy, it's familiar. It's something to look forward to- a season of curling up with family and friends, sharing recipes, traditions... building your own. That's what I love most of all, making the traditions that will be looked forward to, counted on, laughed about and remembered. Making traditions that my kids will hopefully take with them, adjust and blend into their own.
I may delve into the recipe archive I'm growing over here and start posting some favorites. I can't spill any family secrets, mind you, but I can toss out some yummies nonetheless.
Right now, I'm off to get my goulash simmering. Easiest recipe in the world, but tastes like you cooked all day- my favorite kind. And versatile! I do chili goulash, taco goulash, sloppy Joe goulash, Italian goulash... it never ends. Add in some rolls or warm bread- absolute heaven!
Now go enjoy your weekend! Be safe, warm and happy- don't do anything I wouldn't do (or a lot of what I would, for that matter!) and RELAX!!! It's Christmas- take a break! So, get outta here... go have some Christmas cookies!
11/28/08
Some Random Ish
We survived Thanksgiving! Seriously. this is the first year in I don't even know how long that no one has been sick. Everyone ate, enjoyed and looked decidedly full and content afterward. Other than the cats milling around and being a huge pain in my ass, it was a pretty good day. The kids were all pleasant, there was a minimum of the usual fighting and "Mom, he/she did THIS" (which is usually said in either a whine or a high pitched shriek that could possibly shatter your glassware and all your nerves at one time). I think it's the Christmas is coming vibe that's humming around here that has everyone in a relatively calm state. Unless it's the Prozac I keep slipping into the cocoa? Huh. Could be that, too I guess... Either way.
Today is the big decoration, tree decorating day at Casa Diva. The Christmas tunes will be blaring (yes, yes, including my favorite Christmas album of all time, Merry Merry Christmas, by... you guessed it, NKOTB), there will be enough marshmallows and cocoa to give everyone a suitable chocolate buzz, and all will (hopefully) be peaceful and fun. If not, there's always more Prozac, yes?
I'm excited because this will be Taylor's first major Christmas season. Last year, she was too little to notice, let alone enjoy, the holidays. This year, I think it will fascinate her. the lights, the sparkly tinsel, the tree with all the shiny ornaments she will be itching to get her greedy little hands on.... and then will come the baking. She will definitely enjoy all the yummy goodness of the food side of it too. Because I'm a baking, making fool. I bake cookies, I make candy, I have cakes, pies, cupcakes, brownies... it goes on and on. and every year, I try to add something new. Th e list keeps growing, but we all enjoy it.
What I want to do this year is make pizzelles. I need a pizzelle iron, which I probably will have to get online, but I remember these from all the my earlier Christmases, and I've finally started missing them. My mom made them for quite a few years at Christmas, and it's never been something I really thought about, till now. Pizzelles will be something unique to our family, I think, and something not everyone makes... at least, in this neck of the woods. I think they'd be a fun addition. That and they really are simple to make, almost like waffles. They take next to no time at all, and they're not only yummy, they are so prertty! They have the cutest designs on pizzelle irons, and the finished cookies, sprinkled with powdered sugar? Look like snowflakes. Gorgeous.
I hope you guys all had a great day yesterday, and enjoyed your traditions, be they new, old, or slightly adjusted. And to any of you out on Black Friday shopping? I tip my coffee cup at you- you got way bigger cajones than me, my friend! I have absolutely no patience shopping on regular days- shopping today would probably be dangerous for the person who would either
1. block the aisle by having an hour long chat with their Great Aunt Bertha.
2. Ram into me with their cart, because they don't watch where the hell they're going.
Or 3. Cut in front of me to either grab something off the shelf, or get ahead of me at the check out.
Seriously. Ask J. He hates shopping with me, because I'm so not polite. I am at first, but if i say excuse me more than once? Screw you, buddy, I'm moving you or moving myself around your inconsiderate ass. So me on Black Friday? Tucked safely at home with cocoa and Christmas music. Think of it as my contribution to public safety. Cause I'm generous that way...
Today is the big decoration, tree decorating day at Casa Diva. The Christmas tunes will be blaring (yes, yes, including my favorite Christmas album of all time, Merry Merry Christmas, by... you guessed it, NKOTB), there will be enough marshmallows and cocoa to give everyone a suitable chocolate buzz, and all will (hopefully) be peaceful and fun. If not, there's always more Prozac, yes?
I'm excited because this will be Taylor's first major Christmas season. Last year, she was too little to notice, let alone enjoy, the holidays. This year, I think it will fascinate her. the lights, the sparkly tinsel, the tree with all the shiny ornaments she will be itching to get her greedy little hands on.... and then will come the baking. She will definitely enjoy all the yummy goodness of the food side of it too. Because I'm a baking, making fool. I bake cookies, I make candy, I have cakes, pies, cupcakes, brownies... it goes on and on. and every year, I try to add something new. Th e list keeps growing, but we all enjoy it.
What I want to do this year is make pizzelles. I need a pizzelle iron, which I probably will have to get online, but I remember these from all the my earlier Christmases, and I've finally started missing them. My mom made them for quite a few years at Christmas, and it's never been something I really thought about, till now. Pizzelles will be something unique to our family, I think, and something not everyone makes... at least, in this neck of the woods. I think they'd be a fun addition. That and they really are simple to make, almost like waffles. They take next to no time at all, and they're not only yummy, they are so prertty! They have the cutest designs on pizzelle irons, and the finished cookies, sprinkled with powdered sugar? Look like snowflakes. Gorgeous.
I hope you guys all had a great day yesterday, and enjoyed your traditions, be they new, old, or slightly adjusted. And to any of you out on Black Friday shopping? I tip my coffee cup at you- you got way bigger cajones than me, my friend! I have absolutely no patience shopping on regular days- shopping today would probably be dangerous for the person who would either
1. block the aisle by having an hour long chat with their Great Aunt Bertha.
2. Ram into me with their cart, because they don't watch where the hell they're going.
Or 3. Cut in front of me to either grab something off the shelf, or get ahead of me at the check out.
Seriously. Ask J. He hates shopping with me, because I'm so not polite. I am at first, but if i say excuse me more than once? Screw you, buddy, I'm moving you or moving myself around your inconsiderate ass. So me on Black Friday? Tucked safely at home with cocoa and Christmas music. Think of it as my contribution to public safety. Cause I'm generous that way...
11/26/08
On Being Thankful
Yeah, I know. I know. I totally blew NaBloPoMo. I have no real excuses other than just being busy, and having too much on my mind and not enough hours in the day to get everything finished. I get this way around holidays, so tackling a new project was a bad call on my part. That and I don't always have something to say.... ok, that's not true, LOL. Maybe it's that I don't always have something to share with the world. That sounds better.
Now it's almost Thanksgiving, can you believe it? This year has flown by! Less than a month until Christmas- and then a new year will be right around the corner. It's so weird how time seems to just sail by now. when I was a kid, it took forever for Christmas to come around. The last few weeks were always the worst, too. The longest. It felt like it would NEVER get here. Now, it feels like it's coming way too fast and nothing will get done.
Tomorrow will be one of the best days of the year for me. I absolutely love the holidays, like I've said. There is something so comforting about it for me. We'll be up early, the turkey will be in the oven. the parade will be on TV in the background, and the Christmas decorations will start slowly overtaking the living room as we go through totes and start putting up the tree. There will be cocoa with marshmallows (or Cool Whip, for me) and a feeling of total peace in the house. It will be warm, cozy and just... family. Something that doesn't happen every day around here, believe me . A sense of "together". Let's hope I enjoy it again this year. Last year, I spent much of Thanksgiving hiding in the bathroom, sobbing hysterically into a towel. Thank you postpartum- among other things.
I'm thankful for it, though. Weird, but true. Just like I'm thankful for this family I have, however rocky the road has been, is and will be. I figured I'd post a few things that I truly am thankful and grateful for, because sometimes it's easy to forget to say it or show it.
I'm thankful for, more than anything, having held three perfect, beautiful babies in my arms. for knowing those first powerful feelings of complete love, fulfillment, anxiety, wonder and fear. for being with them every day, and struggling through financially, just to watch them grow and bloom into the people they will someday be. I could never replace that, would never trade that. (Remind me of that when I'm wanting to hide in the corner with a bottle of whiskey one evening)
I'm thankful that I can honestly say I have been head over heels, crazy in love. I've seen perfection when looking at another person, I've seen past everything else and felt that roller coaster feeling that only happens with a first, true love. I wouldn't trade that, either, because sometimes it isn't about the happy ending, it's about the story, the journey. and because one day, when my daughters come to me and ask me about my first love, no doubt when they're feeling it themselves, I'll be able to tell them about their father, and they will have a sense of knowing they came from that feeling.
I'm grateful for a roof over our heads, no matter how drippy it is, a cupboard full of food and the warmth of a bed, because look at the world. A lot of people don't even have a leaking roof over their heads, and I bet they'd give anything to have just that.
I'm thankful for my family and friends (who really are family). My best friend and her little guy, being able to raise our kids together, just like we always wanted. The hours of laughing, the glasses of wine, the years and years (did i mention YEARS, lol) we've had to build this bond.
But, everyone in my life gives me something, just like I hope I give them. Because that's the point. and I'm blessed to know everyone I do, blessed to have them all in my life, or to have had them in my life.
So, be thankful. Be happy, cozy and feel blessed, no matter what else is going on. Curl up with your family, your friends, whoever you have with you this time of year, and just be grateful. It's not always easy to see it this way, but we are all so lucky. We could all have it better, sure.... but it could be so much worse. Don't take it for granted, don't moan about what could be... just be thankful you have something to moan about. :)
Now it's almost Thanksgiving, can you believe it? This year has flown by! Less than a month until Christmas- and then a new year will be right around the corner. It's so weird how time seems to just sail by now. when I was a kid, it took forever for Christmas to come around. The last few weeks were always the worst, too. The longest. It felt like it would NEVER get here. Now, it feels like it's coming way too fast and nothing will get done.
Tomorrow will be one of the best days of the year for me. I absolutely love the holidays, like I've said. There is something so comforting about it for me. We'll be up early, the turkey will be in the oven. the parade will be on TV in the background, and the Christmas decorations will start slowly overtaking the living room as we go through totes and start putting up the tree. There will be cocoa with marshmallows (or Cool Whip, for me) and a feeling of total peace in the house. It will be warm, cozy and just... family. Something that doesn't happen every day around here, believe me . A sense of "together". Let's hope I enjoy it again this year. Last year, I spent much of Thanksgiving hiding in the bathroom, sobbing hysterically into a towel. Thank you postpartum- among other things.
I'm thankful for it, though. Weird, but true. Just like I'm thankful for this family I have, however rocky the road has been, is and will be. I figured I'd post a few things that I truly am thankful and grateful for, because sometimes it's easy to forget to say it or show it.
I'm thankful for, more than anything, having held three perfect, beautiful babies in my arms. for knowing those first powerful feelings of complete love, fulfillment, anxiety, wonder and fear. for being with them every day, and struggling through financially, just to watch them grow and bloom into the people they will someday be. I could never replace that, would never trade that. (Remind me of that when I'm wanting to hide in the corner with a bottle of whiskey one evening)
I'm thankful that I can honestly say I have been head over heels, crazy in love. I've seen perfection when looking at another person, I've seen past everything else and felt that roller coaster feeling that only happens with a first, true love. I wouldn't trade that, either, because sometimes it isn't about the happy ending, it's about the story, the journey. and because one day, when my daughters come to me and ask me about my first love, no doubt when they're feeling it themselves, I'll be able to tell them about their father, and they will have a sense of knowing they came from that feeling.
I'm grateful for a roof over our heads, no matter how drippy it is, a cupboard full of food and the warmth of a bed, because look at the world. A lot of people don't even have a leaking roof over their heads, and I bet they'd give anything to have just that.
I'm thankful for my family and friends (who really are family). My best friend and her little guy, being able to raise our kids together, just like we always wanted. The hours of laughing, the glasses of wine, the years and years (did i mention YEARS, lol) we've had to build this bond.
But, everyone in my life gives me something, just like I hope I give them. Because that's the point. and I'm blessed to know everyone I do, blessed to have them all in my life, or to have had them in my life.
So, be thankful. Be happy, cozy and feel blessed, no matter what else is going on. Curl up with your family, your friends, whoever you have with you this time of year, and just be grateful. It's not always easy to see it this way, but we are all so lucky. We could all have it better, sure.... but it could be so much worse. Don't take it for granted, don't moan about what could be... just be thankful you have something to moan about. :)
10/31/08
10/15/08
Seasons
I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee, a nice breeze floating through the screen door, bringing with it the smell of fall in the air. I'm watching leaves drift lazily to the ground in various shades of yellows, browns, reds and deep, deep orange. The house is fairly quiet, with just some Taylor chatter as she plays with her toys and crawls around, stopping every couple minutes to see what Dora is exploring today.
Jake is home sick, but even he's been pretty peaceful today (puking all night will at least make you seem peaceful, when it's really just taken all of your energy.) Everything seems to be at ease, and I'm just kicked back, enjoying my coffee, the quiet and my favorite time of year.
We need it, all of us. We've been stressed to the limit recently, and this lull is just what the doctor ordered for some recharging. There have been so many things happening (good bad and in between) that it was to the point where every small thing seemed huge, daunting, one of those "oh what NOW?" deals. And it's mostly been fairly normal stuff- Taylor teething, not sleeping, etc. Alyssa finding her wings and pushing the limit (and getting grounded) with attitude and responsibilities. Planning for birthdays, holidays, etc- from the time fall hits, it's one occasion after another. So there's re-budgeting, planning, etc., and that's somewhat stressful on a good day. LOL
Now, it seems to be settling some. I can think about baking, about decorating for the holidays. About my Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners, all the things I love so much about this time of year. Seriously- I start playing Christmas music in early November, ok? And speaking of?!?! (You knew it was coming, didn't you? Yes, of course you did.) My FAVORITE Christmas album of all time has finally been reissued. It's been out of print since.. what, early 90's?... and all i had was a cassette that finally died on me a couple years back. Now, I can finally introduce the kids properly to even more music from my boys- (insert evil laughter). I think they'll like it better now that it doesn't sound warped and slow (cassettes do not hold up well for nearly twenty years, even if they are only played once a year.)
I'm enjoying the changes. In the kids, in myself, in everything. I feel so different. Like I'm finally comfortable in my own skin. Like this is the time when things are finally going to settle into place how they are supposed to be. Like the pieces are going to fit, not bulge and crack as I try so hard to MAKE them fit. This is the right path, the one we are on right now. I don't know where we're going, but I think that's ok. I think that's how it should be.
Now- here's what we all need to do. Go play in the leaves. Let them crunch and crackle under your feet. Jump in a huge pile and roll around. Toss them in the air. Whatever you wanna do. and then go have some warm apple cider (with a cinnamon stick!) and bask in the ultimate time of year!
Jake is home sick, but even he's been pretty peaceful today (puking all night will at least make you seem peaceful, when it's really just taken all of your energy.) Everything seems to be at ease, and I'm just kicked back, enjoying my coffee, the quiet and my favorite time of year.
We need it, all of us. We've been stressed to the limit recently, and this lull is just what the doctor ordered for some recharging. There have been so many things happening (good bad and in between) that it was to the point where every small thing seemed huge, daunting, one of those "oh what NOW?" deals. And it's mostly been fairly normal stuff- Taylor teething, not sleeping, etc. Alyssa finding her wings and pushing the limit (and getting grounded) with attitude and responsibilities. Planning for birthdays, holidays, etc- from the time fall hits, it's one occasion after another. So there's re-budgeting, planning, etc., and that's somewhat stressful on a good day. LOL
Now, it seems to be settling some. I can think about baking, about decorating for the holidays. About my Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners, all the things I love so much about this time of year. Seriously- I start playing Christmas music in early November, ok? And speaking of?!?! (You knew it was coming, didn't you? Yes, of course you did.) My FAVORITE Christmas album of all time has finally been reissued. It's been out of print since.. what, early 90's?... and all i had was a cassette that finally died on me a couple years back. Now, I can finally introduce the kids properly to even more music from my boys- (insert evil laughter). I think they'll like it better now that it doesn't sound warped and slow (cassettes do not hold up well for nearly twenty years, even if they are only played once a year.)
I'm enjoying the changes. In the kids, in myself, in everything. I feel so different. Like I'm finally comfortable in my own skin. Like this is the time when things are finally going to settle into place how they are supposed to be. Like the pieces are going to fit, not bulge and crack as I try so hard to MAKE them fit. This is the right path, the one we are on right now. I don't know where we're going, but I think that's ok. I think that's how it should be.
Now- here's what we all need to do. Go play in the leaves. Let them crunch and crackle under your feet. Jump in a huge pile and roll around. Toss them in the air. Whatever you wanna do. and then go have some warm apple cider (with a cinnamon stick!) and bask in the ultimate time of year!
7/4/08
Happy 4th!!!
Here's to a Happy 4th for all of you! The kids and I are living it up and making the best of the crappy weather- we've been playing in the rain all morning! Dancing in puddles, splashing around- and did you know a regular old slide turns into the most fun thing ever when it becomes a magic water slide? LOL This is the stuff I love- this is the best way to make holidays memorable, to me. Just play, have a good time, and laugh- i think I've been laughing more than the kids, LOL.
Hopefully the rain does taper for fireworks later, but until then, we're going to celebrate our independence by dancing in it~
Hopefully the rain does taper for fireworks later, but until then, we're going to celebrate our independence by dancing in it~
5/11/08
To all the Moms!
Just dropping in to send out a Happy Mommy's Day to all of you! Kick back, relax and enjoy YOUR day to be pampered!!! (And there's always tequila)
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