Breaking the Habit

I keep opening my Word program, or coming here and clicking "Create"... then I just sit there. The paper in my Word program isn't touched. I type a couple lines here, get disgusted with it, and just move on to something else. When I'm not writing, there's a problem.

I have been shaking my head a lot the last two weeks at people. I've seen the ugliest sides of myself and have questioned myself, J, and everyone around me, about everything. I've wanted to step in front of my family, and at the same time I've wanted to throw my hands up and get the hell out of this neverending circus.

But that's what it comes back to. My family. My husband and my children, and doing what I have to for them, and for me, to be happy, and safe. I'm tired of our lives being twisted and turned because of things that happened years ago, situations that have never been handled properly, even now. But why should it be, right? Why should it ever be more than head games and pissing contests?

Want to know why? Because now I'm involved, and now my children are involved. There will be no more of the bullshit- my main priority actually is my kids, not myself. My worries are for them, my wants are for them... and when anyone attempts to dismiss that? Put them behind anyone else? That is the final step in this ridiculous, childish, dumb ass dance I've been watching ever since J and I got together.

So, cross your fingers for us, Internet. Pray for us, our family... all of it... as we make some choices and some changes, and shift a balance that has never been really on our side. Life isn't a game. Childrens' lives, especially. Maybe it's time some people learned that.

That's All, She Wrote

I think that would be a great poem title. Might get to working on that. I'll add it to the ever growing list of "Oh my God this is what I gotta do".

A lot has been taking place over here at Casa Diva, and some of it is a tad too personal to go into at the moment, but I wanted to mention, briefly, that there may be some melancholy days ahead. And some angry ones as well, mixed in with the energized, doing what I have to days. Such is life, yes? Yes.

I am one of those women that will follow my gut instinct on things- I have learned the hard way not to ignore that little voice in your head that nudges you. I think everyone has it, that sixth sense, but we like to squash it and go about life blindly, even when it hurts. there are some things you just know, and there's no way around it. You may not know why you have to do something, you just know you have to.

I think, now, I know both. Or at least parts. I have known for awhile now, I guess, but now it's as if the clouds have parted and the sun is too bright to ignore. Ahhh, this is what happens when you ignore that voice for so long- and i did, when it would pop up briefly over the last years- and then finally it hits you with a nudge so powerful you know you have to act. Immediately. No way around it, no looking back... you just have to.

I don't have all the answers to everything, but I have enough to know I am moving in the right direction. That has to be enough, for now. And it's more than enough, in some aspects, because this is the first time in a long time I have felt that.

I feel validated, about a lot of things. Guilty about more than a few, sad about more than i want to. But I also feel right. That has to count for something.

The Intro -aka Reasons To Read, Or Avoid This Blog (Re-Post)

I thought, since I have some new readers, that I would re-post the intro from waaay back in January, when I started blogging. I will edit the parts that have changed, lol.

Hello all of you in Blog World. Since this is my first post, I thought I’d do a brief intro as well as a warning of sorts to those of you who enjoy reading people’s blogs. And there’s nothing wrong with that- it’s interesting to get a glimpse into someone else’s world, and I do it as much as I can get away with. : )

First off, like my profile says, I’m 29, have 3 kids and am a full time mom. I have two daughters, oldest 7 years, youngest 7 weeks, and one son, who turns six today.(now 8 years, 7 months sunday, and six for more than a day, lol.) I also have a husband and a small menagerie of cats. I’m an animal person, to a fault, and the menagerie is ever growing, to my husband’s (at first) chagrin, (followed by) abject horror, & (replaced finally with) threats upon my well being should I attempt to add another furry creature to this household. Ever. At any time. In the future. Did I mention EVER? (we have four more cats. haha)

I can be pretty long winded, so when I blog, don’t expect short and sweet. Well, ok, don’t ever pop in expecting sweet. I’m not a shiny happy person, even on a good day, and some days I’m really a bitch. But I’m honest and opinionated, and unapologetic for my views on the world, including my household and the way it’s run. Sometimes it runs smoothly, and other days I’m left wondering why it is like wrestling with wild animals to get anything done. (this is all still true.)

I’m starting out with comments open and I do welcome any opinion, feedback, etc. But, if you send me hate mail, I’m going to post it. In it’s entirety. No matter who you are. And expect incessant mocking, ridicule, and perhaps a profanity laced response. On a good day. And right now, there are few of those- right now is a haze of sleep deprivation, adjustment, and wondering when the hell these so called “baby blues” will go away. Because just when you think they have…. (they did)

Anyway, that’s my first blog. It’s not always gonna be savvy or sassy in here, humor filled or even entertaining. But it will always be real, always be honest and always be where I’m at when I’m writing. Like my life, this blog promises to be a friggin roller coaster… so strap in. (did you?)

A Quick (rather than tell you every teeny tiny detail) Recap!

I have been a bad blogger. Bad reader, commenter, etc. I have. But, I have this whole blog built free thing happening, so I try not to feel too badly about it. And feel badly about it anyway. :)

The thing I've noticed about keeping up with things- be it blogs, message boards, sometimes even emails and returning calls- is that just when you're rolling along, getting everything into a system that works for you, BAM! Life happens. And sometimes Life happens hard. And then you have to step back, survey the damage and or chaos, and move from there. Not always pleasant... usually really UNpleasant... but something that just has to be done.

I've been lurking, but not posting. Reading but not commenting. But things honestly have me drained at the moment and it's been rough keeping up. School just let out for Jake, Taylor's decided now's the time to start teething, and Jim's been home for a couple weeks now, waiting to be called back to work. It's been... stressful... to put it mildly. At times, it's been Dear God, I Should Take up Drinking In the Afternoons. Cause being alone with my husband is great- for a time. Then we start to irk each other- especially since he messes with my daily routines. Which, in turn, messes with the baby's daily routines. We know how this goes. Although, it's nice to have him home sometimes, too. Ya know, when Taylor takes an afternoon nap? Heh.

So, there it is in a nutshell- proof I'm still alive.... for now. And not drinking in the afternoons... yet....

Happy Valentines Day!!!!

Happy Hearts Day, Internet!! Here's to all the love and snuggles your heart can handle~ I'm being spoiled today. Flowers, wine and movie night! Yay!!! That promises plenty of cuddle time, although for me there is never enough of that.

So, go indulge yourselves in some chocolate, and enjoy the day, and especially your sweetie!! Have a terrific one!!!