Words

Another essay of sorts I had in my Writing folder.

She wonders what it would be like. She thinks now how odd of her it was that she never really did before. Maybe it's because there never was a before. Not really, anyway. Not if she's honest with herself- and that she can be, even when she can't be with anyone else. When... anyone else... can't be with her. She wonders if they are to themselves. For the most part, she doubts it. Once you become that good at hiding the truths that will cut you, they don't even reach you anymore. She almost envies that, the ability to rewrite history, to change time in your own mind so that you feel no guilt, no tug, no obligation. She supposes she's done it, a little, at times. Changed things around, rearranged some words, some meanings, to suit the way she sees the past. Maybe that pulls her through when she looks back to the time that never really was before.

The wondering is what makes it hard, now. She sees pieces these days, of the people they once were, and it tugs at her in ways she wishes, almost more than anything, that it didn't. It stabilizes her and pushes her off balance at the same time. She smiles, thinking how little sense that makes, and then smiles a little wider. Fits right in then.

It comes out of nowhere these days, and hits her like a punch in the stomach. She doesn't know what to do with it, honestly. It leaves her helpless in a way that next to nothing could, and the emotion that comes from knowing that is almost unbearable to her. That's her pride making a loud protest, and she welcomes its voice- it's still there, and that's one for the home team.

She can't explain it, she doesn't know how to rationalize. That's just it, the long and short of it. It's a mixed bag unlike no other and one that has built her up and torn her apart in more ways than anything else ever will in her life. Therein lies the rub, after all- it's her life. It's her entire world, everything she knows, all she has built. It's hers, and yet.... it isn't. Not really. But nothing ever is completely yours- you build lives, with people. Houses become homes, you becomes we, and time marches on. Nothing is ever completely yours- parents, siblings, children... in the beginning, someone makes room for you. As time goes on, you make room for others.

There's a part of her that embraces that, loves the idea of it, of being so open with her heart. It's words that change it all. It all comes down to words. People say actions speak louder. Sometimes they do. But words... most powerful weapon we could ever hold in our arsenal. Spoken, written... anger, shame, love, hate.. it all comes out in words. Truth comes out in words.

She knows that isn't so, not all the time. She's spun tales with the best of them, to save face, to cover ass, to tell a story. It's what we do, isn't it? What is fiction if not a little reality and a little fantasy? We dream, we lie, we write, we create. But in almost all of it, there's something real. That's the part that stands out, that draws you in- it's all in the tone, be it spoken or written, fact or fiction. You recognize tone, you relate. You've been there, felt that, known that. That's what tugs at you.

She doesn't know what to do with it, honestly. She waits patiently for a moment, for the cloud to pass. She pushes, she pulls... she opens, she closes. She vents, she rages, she tells you. She tells you, in a thousand ways, and you see..but not really. Too much tug, obligation.

She pushes, she pulls. She opens, she closes. She vents and she rages. And then she writes it down.

Simple

In trying some new things, writing wise, I keep coming back to these essays of sorts. They aren't really stories, yet they are. It's kind of odd, and very new, but I'm going with it. This is one of the newest.. THE newest, actually... and all I could think when I wanted a title was "Simple".


She wants to stand at her back door and eat a hot dog. It's really that simple. It's quiet, but for the music and comforting hum of the dryer- but the thunder is rolling in. And all she wants is to stand barefoot in her kitchen, back door open wide,hot dog in hand and listen to the storm. Yep, she really is just that easy to please.

It's the little things, the ones that take her back to being a barefoot kid playing in the rain. The memories that come back with a sound or a scent, a lyric or a perfect storm rolling in just when it's time to get comfy for the night. Just in time to curl up in bed with a book or a movie playing low in the background. All that's missing is a glass of wine and the perfect snuggle, but she isn't too concerned- she knows she'll have one of those things, the important one, before much longer.

It's like new again, this enjoying the moments that come when you need them most, when you least expect them. She's proven something to herself lately.. and that's where that counts, too. In proving to herself that she could... she absolutely could. That was a mountain she never thought she'd see the other side of... it was almost a miracle, that knowing she could... the actual miracle was looking past that and seeing that she didn't have to.

She doesn't get that, not really. It's probably something she will never completely know, or hold onto. Time and experience are funny that way. They take a lot of your absolutes... but they give a lot of them back, too. Those are just harder to find, harder to accept, and so much more worth it. Those are the ones that stay, she thinks now, the ones you learn with some age and some experience. She doesn't think of it as jaded, she thinks of it as being just a touch more realistic than she once was.

She isn't sure how she feels about herself just yet- she's still finding pieces and dusting them off, or reaching for the ones she's ignored til now, finding a place for each one. She knows it isn't perfect, not all the pieces match, but they definitely go together well.

None of that matters tonight. Tonight she is thinking of something else, that one moment when it all clicked into place, in a way it really hadn't before. That ground under her feet is pretty solid as she stands there, barefoot, watching the storm roll in. It's really that simple. And neither one of them knew it until now.

No Apologies

I'm going to apologize one time for those that I may offend or upset with the things I say, and that's all.** I've done that enough, apologized or kept quiet. I've put my thoughts and feelings behind everyone else, I've attempted to keep from rocking the boat, upsetting the masses... and you know what? It makes me miserable. Because while I'm biting my tongue, you see it as acceptance. You see it as me being ok with however people speak to me, treat me, talk about me. You see it as ok that I'm there emotionally for whoever needs me when they need me, and when it's my turn, I'm handling it on my own.

I don't ask for help. But I learned a long time ago that the people who expect me to drop everything for them are usually not willing to do the same for me. So I bite my tongue, handle my own, and am just a little less inclined to be there the next time.

I think I must seem very unassuming. I seem accepting, almost a doormat, in the way I have lived my life. The last couple of months have shown me a lot about people, and most of it isn't surprising, but it's still hurtful just the same. I seem to be one of the few who just have to “suck it up”, “get over it”, and continue to put myself after everyone else, whatever situation arises. And there's something you seem to forget- I really don't have to. That's the beauty of it- you don't have to, and nine times out of ten, I wouldn't ask you to. I would never ask anyone to put themselves in the midst of something where they would be uncomfortable, or be treated badly and pretend that's it's ok and time to forget it. It doesn't work that way for you, so why does it work that way for me?

My life, needs, wants and feelings are no less than anyone else's. To behave as if they are is pretty selfish, I think.. and it's just not the way I'm doing things anymore. I don't want my kids growing up thinking it's ok for people to treat them like they are less than, that they are unimportant, or have to put up with being jerked around at someone's whim. Doesn't work that way. And when I see my daughter upset, or confused as to why she's been treated a certain way, it reminds me she is a lot more like me than it seems sometimes. And I want her to view it differently than I did. I don't want her to be the kid who gets called or hung out with when there's nothing else to do- that starts the ball rolling that gives people the permission to use you, put you on a shelf and take you down again when you have something to offer, or something they can use you for. She is second to no one, she has no reason to feel as if she needs to strive for acceptance... and therein lies the straw that didn't just break the camel's back, it put him in a coma.

I think I'm tired of waiting. There's always another shoe, another jerk, another hurt. That's life, even on the best days. But when you get so accustomed to the other shoe that you spend at least half your time waiting for it, then going quietly with whatever comes from it, it begins to build. Then it just keeps building, festering, until you explode. Until you are so consumed with everything and everyone else that all you feel is exhausted. You have your emotions invested in everyone's hurts, issues and angers... and your own are sitting there, waiting, just like you do.

I'm tired of being that person. I'm tired of feeling like I am here to appease everyone, to be spoken to and treated however people choose, and have no opinion. I'm tired of my children seeing the fallout, or paying for other people's mistakes and that being ok too. It's not, it never was, and it will never be ok for them to pay for anything. When that starts, everything else comes to a screeching halt.

It's time to push the envelope. I'm not waiting anymore. I'm not appeasing anymore. I'm not spending my time, emotion or energy on anyone who doesn't do the same for me. I'm not sucking it up, I'm not being treated badly and pretending I don't think you're an asshole, just to make it easy on everyone else. While I'm busy doing that, who is making it easy on me?

My children are my life, and they come first. They won't ever be set aside to appease. I won't apologize for this life, and I won't be made to feel as if I should. I won't apologize for my thoughts, or feelings. I'm going to challenge myself, every day, to stop talking and start walking. Actions speak a thousand times louder than words, and God knows when I speak, it goes unheard. It's ok for you to talk, to say whatever you want so it's ok for me too. I'm just as free as everyone else, and it's time I realize that, and time you realize that as well. I'm done telling you what you want to hear, putting on my game face and wondering the entire time why the hell I'm wasting my time. I owe it to my kids, to myself, to put my money where my mouth is, and teach them that they don't ever have to accept or settle for being anyone's settled for, in any situation. They never have been, why start now?

Today I will practice what I preach, I will let my actions speak louder, and I think it's going to be a challenge- but I have never walked away from one yet, have I? I've fought through more than one “impossible” situation, and I always come out swinging. I do a lot of it internally, but it gets done. I don't need a standing ovation for doing what I need to do- though an occasional acknowledgment would be nice.

One thing I have learned in life, for certain, is that you have to stand up. Anyone can sit by, and let it all pass along... but what for? Stand up and never back down from what you know to be true, what you know is right. Sure, you'll piss some people off, maybe lose a few “friends”... but if they were really your friends, you wouldn't have to worry about it in the first place, would you?

So, I'm going to stand. My legs may be a little wobbly, my back

bone a little out of practice. But it's time to stop waiting, and start doing. Stop holding out for when it gets easier, and start pushing the obstacles out of the way. The way I'm feeling right now is pretty cut and dry, and pretty simple- When it comes to my life, you are either in it, or in my way.

**This is what comes of bottling it up. There have been several situations lately that have popped up and several times I've bitten my tongue or sat on my hands so as not to say or type things I actually do mean, but would have said in ways I didn't mean them. So.. no more. And that's all I have to say on it at this point- No. More.

Hello 2010 ::)

I said I wasn't going to write a “wrap up” of 2009, and I'm still not planning on it. This year has seemed... bigger than about twelve months, more than just about this year. Sounds odd, doesn't it? But it is the best way I can describe it.

2009 was the year of searching, looking back through several years, emotions, experiences and questions. And finding answers, even when we didn't want to, even when it seemed that the solutions were harder to handle than the issues. This was the hard one, the big one. This was the boogeyman, the unmentionables, the upside down. This was about digging through all the muck, dropping pride and defenses at the door, and wading in. This was the year that counted, the one that may not have rewritten the book, but it sure did change the chapters in front of us. And look- we are all still standing here. Our hair may be a little tousled, but we're all in one piece. In fact, if you look a little closer, there's just that much more light in our eyes.

Life isn't about being “right”. It really isn't, as much as we'd like it to be sometimes. It's not about being better than, having more. It's about just being better. Giving more, being more.... it's about being right with who you are, and the decisions you have made, the life you are building. And it's about admitting when you aren't right with those things, being big enough to recognize the changes in you that need made, and taking the steps to make them. That's a hard thing, I'll tell you right now. That's the hardest thing you will ever do, and you'll hate it.... but it's worth it to find some shred of light, of peace, at the end of the road.

I have learned a lot about the people in my life this year, about the people they are and why. That's where it is for me- the why. The who you are because of how you got here. It fascinates me, draws me in... and it gives you a different take on things. You have to walk in someone else's shoes for a minute sometimes, to stop judging and see things from the other sides. Yours is only part of the story, you know?

I know some amazing people. I really am blessed, and I've come to see that every person in my life brings something to the table, brings it all together in a complex and unique mosaic that I really wouldn't change for anything else. I hope I'm bringing that, too, adding to rather than taking from. I'm working on it.

I think that 2010 is going to be an amazing year, the beginning of a really interesting journey. I'm ready for that, I look forward to it. I'm not making any resolutions, I'm simply going to go with it, as much as my over analyzing mind can, anyway, and let life... just... happen. It's going to anyway, there's no point in not enjoying it. We waste so much time on what if's, maybes... We worry ourselves sick trying to plan for every single possibility, and we miss out on the whole purpose OF possibility. That means you can do anything, be anything... if you just get out of your own way, that is. .

2010 is going to be the Nothing is Impossible year. Hmmm... I guess I DID make a resolution after all, didn't I? Oh well... I guess anything can happen, can't it? ;)

Perspective

Have you ever just had one of those days where it feels as if time has slowed to almost a stand still and no matter what you do, you just can't get it to move any faster. You can't concentrate on reading, TV, music... You've cleaned, baked, put the kids to sleep. The evening just stretches before you, and all the things you complain about never getting to do? You don't want to do.

Because, suddenly, there's this openness that you keep stretching toward, this goal you are determined to reach, no matter who or what seems just as determined to keep you away from it. You are reaching out of your shell, out of your comfort zone... and out of everyone else's. Scary thing, that.

Somehow, there has been a shift. It's been coming and coming, the build up has been impossible to ignore. It wasn't a light at the end of a tunnel, it wasn't a welcoming hand. It was a shove into the deep end and a cheery “Swim or die.” It was almost a direct dare to persevere, overcome, walk out of the ashes with your head held high.

So you did. Sort of. You went unheard, felt unseen. You watched your opinion matter very little, and you quietly took stock. You observed, you paid attention. You hurt, you soared. You cried, you felt overwhelming pride in the person you had chosen to spend your life with. And hated them in the next second. You rode the roller coaster, stomach churning the whole time. But you rode. Every single step of the way, through every up and down, losing a little of this and gaining a little of that with every turn. But you rode, unconditionally, even when you doubted and questioned every step.

And then, somewhere on one of those loops, something moved. Slowly, you came to realize that it wasn't up to anyone but you how you felt at the end of every day. And your shoulders relaxed, just a little. You stopped holding your breath quite so long. Because for the first time in God only knows how long, you took it back. You realized that worrying and hurting really weren't changing anything but you, and that was on only one person... yup, you.

So, ever so quietly, you found yourself looking for those pieces you had all but abandoned. And slowly, you are finding them, finding your way. It's a lot of two steps forward, three back, but you've come far enough to know that anything worth having is something you have to work for. And you're working, with and around everyone you know.

Your stomach is still churning, your hands still shaky. But the ride is different now. You are different. And you no longer clutch the rails, eyes clamped shut. You've realized it's a lot more fun with your eyes wide open, and your arms in the air, headfirst into the next adventure.

Ahhh 2009

I spent a little time last night and this morning reading over the past year or so on my blog. It amazes me to see the difference a year makes. Going into 2009, I felt so many things that I'm struggling with as we head into 2010.

I think I spend a lot of time worrying what to write, for a blog, a status, etc... when I should just be writing. For me. If I never post it anywhere, I'll have it to look back on someday and hopefully think “Wow, you've come a long way since then... but what a ride huh?”

I don't want to do a wrap up of 2009. I have no intention of doing that. Talk about the year, the roads taken and not, sure. But there's no way to even begin to try and wrap up anything about the past year. How do you wrap up a year that seems to have wanted nothing more than to test every single thing in your life? Every move, every thought, every feeling. 2009 can bite it, ok? I'm not wrapping him up, I'm not delivering him anywhere with a shiny bow or a smile on my face.

I have never known, until now, just how much you tell yourself that you shouldn't think or feel a certain way. That you should always feel and think kindly, openly. Yeah, it would be amazing if it worked that way. But it doesn't. You may not want to feel something... guess what? You do anyway, regardless of what “should” or “shouldn't” thinks, and all you end up doing? Is feeling a hundred times worse for having an emotion in the first place. How could I think such a thing, feel this way... Because we're human beings, flawed and imperfect. Selfish and fearful. That doesn't make bad people- it makes people people.

I had thought I was done with these feelings, done with questioning, wondering... Is everything a test? EVERYTHING? When do I get a pass? When do the tests get easier, the answers come faster? Why is there always such struggle and hurt with these tests? Because you have to face the monsters in the closet someday. You have to learn who you really are, under all the walls and fears, the anger, the joy... who are you? Where is your strength? How far are you willing to go to find the way, find yourself? What will all of this crap teach you? What won't it teach you is the question.

I get that life isn't a destination, and that we are constantly learning and changing. We have to accept and move on, adapt and change with the rest of the world.. but we don't have to do it immediately, without protest, without wondering just what the point is.

The point is to find your balance. Yours. Not his, hers, anyone else's. Just yours. Find that, and the rest will seem a little easier. Just a little. At the end of the day, you have to make peace with yourself before you can with anyone else. And you have to accept that you aren't always going to be the person you want to be, with all the perfect responses that you “should” have. It just doesn't work that way. We don't work that way, and really? How boring would it be if we all had the same response to everything, the perfect answer to all of these questions, a 100% on every test? You wouldn't learn nearly as much... and you sure wouldn't have as much fun.

Do I always look at the woman in the mirror and find that contentment? Not by a long shot. But I think she's ok, most of the time. And I know her heart, those pieces she doesn't share with anyone but herself, and that I find peace with. Because only I know what's really in there, underneath all I say and do, all I show to the world. And that heart is a good one, albeit a cautious, sometimes cynical one. That heart has carried me through a lot of things, has broken a thousand times, and has loved beyond anything I ever imagined. That's an accomplishment.

I don't know what the next year will bring. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I wish sometimes that I did. It would make life a lot easier. But, life isn't made to be easy, is it? Life is about risking and searching. Learning, falling, and getting up again, each scar a sign of something you have come through, something may have knocked the wind out of you, but in the end, you did get up. Maybe a little less confident, maybe a little more jaded- but you got up. Sometimes that alone is the lesson- that you can get up again. You can brush yourself off, pick up the pieces, and rearrange them to make something different. And who knows? That something different may turn out to be what was supposed to be, all along.

Stories

So, I'm sitting here with an open Word document, and somehow, the words are flying. There's a fresh pot of coffee in the kitchen, and at the moment, it seems that I could type for hours. I suddenly have so much to say, and it just won't stay hidden anymore.

I have to admit, hearing the sounds my fingers are making, flying over the keys with no hesitation (and hopefully very few typos), I feel such a sense of relief. Writing, good writing, clear writing, has been impossible for so long... it's like finally scratching that awful itch you can never quite get to. But, one day, your angle is just... right... and then... ahhhhh. Finally.

Sometimes, when you least expect it, there is a light that shines in your direction, when the road is dark and you feel that no matter where you turn, which direction you choose, it isn't the right one. There is always a choice, sometimes you are simply so blinded by all you're dealing with, thinking, feeling...it just seems there are no more choices. But then there's a word, a song, a paragraph, a voice. The the lights come on, sometimes slowly, sometimes all at once, and you think “Yes! There it is! How did you know?”

This year has been a very long one for me and those I love, in as many different ways as you could possibly think of. There have been amazingly great times, and amazingly awful ones- very little this year has made middle of the road. I kept waiting for it to, but it never quite found that stride. And in wanting it so badly, I lost mine too.

I've been fumbling for a long time, wondering, waiting, searching without any idea where I was supposed to be going. I know it's somewhere special, I know there is something I'm supposed to be doing, and this year, for the first time, I think I truly lost sight of what it had always been. Writing has been my lifesaver for as long as I can remember, and yet, I could barely string two sentences together. I think that took something from me, and finding it again was something I had to fight for. I've worked so hard to keep it all together that it all just... sort of fell apart.

I have to let go, of so many things, and doing that has been an uphill battle. But it has to go- all of it, the excess baggage standing there in the corner, weighing me down and keeping me from truly taking a step forward and getting on with the business of making a life worth retelling someday. Because if that isn't what I'm doing, every day, then what am I doing here?

Where is it coming from, this clarity? From a voice, of course. A paragraph, a phrase. A new blog that has touched me on a lot of levels and given me some insight that is long overdue.I'm Listening is more than just my mother in law's blog :). She has a voice and a way with words that reach pretty deep. Be sure and give her a read- you won't be disappointed.

I'm not going to promise to be back soon, or talk much about the coming year. I'm just going to do. I'm tired of talking about what I'm going to do, or want to do, or need to do. I want to talk about what I'm doing, what I've done, what's actually going on, and not going to be.

I want to tell you stories, fiction and non. But more than that? I want to listen to my children tell the stories someday, and be able to truly cherish what they are saying, what they remember, what I remember. Because a the end of the day, it isn't about the happy ending. It's all about the story.

Um.... Yeah....

Since it may be awhile before I post something even remotely interesting, and even longer before I post any actual "writing", I send you all to this creative writing post I did ages ago. Like I said then, the story itself had nothing to do with the article posted, or anything even remotely in common with the actual events. The rest of the explanation was almost 100% true. I DO have a manuscript in 8th grade handwriting that resembles this piece. I DID (and DO) have a friend named Teresa Kawa and that bet did exist. But, stories change. People change. And this entry will never cease to bring me to tears. For every reason.

Uhhh.. What?

I turned thirty-one last Tuesday. I can't complain, I had a good b-day, and September has, so far, been a good month. The kids are flourishing in school, Miss T is enjoying being the sole attention getter during the day, and aside from the allergies that roll around every year, we're all in top form.

I can't complain, like I said. And yet... I'm sitting here, enjoying some (rare!!) quiet, and trying to prepare myself for the coming weeks. I think it's going to be interesting, these changes and emotions, and as soon as I'm wrapping my head around them, around this situation, there is always something else to wrap my head around. Such is life, right? But sometimes, I don't want to have something to wrap my head around, something to think about, anything to wonder about other than what I'm making for dinner, if the kids are having a good day, and whether that load of laundry will pick today to fold itself. I don't want to be the worrier, the analyzer, the one always planning eight steps ahead for whatever may or may not happen on any given day. I HATE that about myself, you know?

And there's a part of me that isn't that person. A part of me that doesn't have those worries, that rolls with it, laughs it off and enjoys the day. I like that part, I miss it when I can't find it. And I haven't lost it, misplaced it or had it hidden away as I think it has been in the past. I just had to be the grown up, and that pushed some of the easiness aside. Aaaand, I'm analyzing again. But, I doubt that's soemthing I can ever stop- my mind has a mind of its own, LOL, and it likes to work. And work, and work... you get the idea.

Life has been good, though. It really, really has. Am I worried that will change? Sure. Absolutely. I keep telling myself there's nothing I can't handle, and then I realize what that really says. I keep reminding myself things happen for a reason, and then I ask myself what the hell could it be??? I tell myself there are lessons, and tests, and think oh holy shit, am I going to pass? Fail? And how will I know which is which?? Loaded questions, all. And they have been for awhile- again, that's nothing new. But, it sure feels it all of a sudden.

Like I said- life has been good. I can't complain. Everyone is healthy, we have all been happy, and making plans for holidays, from layways to food and festivities. We've been doing more than surviving.. we have all been thriving. Together.

But today? Today I'm sitting here staring into space, thinking a million lost thoughts..... and oh my God, I want to scream...

School Daze :)

Yesterday was the first day of school here at Casa Diva. 4th grade for Miss Lyss, 1st for Jake. She, of course, was beyond thrilled to be going back- school is one of her favorite things on the planet. Where she gets it? No idea! LOL He was reluctant, and after last year, who can really blame him. But, we were positive and encouraging, preparing him for the changes in advance, and we made it into the building with him all smiles.

This year marked the year of Jonas in our house, in the form of backpack, lunchbox, T-shirt, notebooks and jewelry. I admit, I rolled my eyes, but as a protest formed on my lips, memories of a neon orange lunchbox, as well as a hot pink and turquoise backpack flashed before my eyes. I shut my mouth and watched her get that look-you know the one- and had to grin. If she's lucky, she'll grin like that about those boys in 20 years.

Jake went SpongeBob.. again. He's reliable with it, at least-he has had a SpongeBob backpack every single year. But he likes it, and who needs an argument over that? It makes him happy, it makes us happy. And he's always eager to show off the new one. LOL

We got a note today that Jake is in the first grade regular class FULL TIME! That is HUGE, and something I had expected to happen later in the year, or maybe when pigs flew, to be perfectly honest. LOL But it marks a change, in the way he is seen and the attention that is paid. And? Not only is he in the regular class full time, he is in the class with the kids who are further along academically. That proves something to me- what he's capable of really isn't being ignored. Huge, huge steps. Both kids are happy and enjoying school, so far, and are excited about the things they're going to be doing this year. Major bonus, and something to give me a little room to take that deep breath I'm not finding these days.

Everything else... is still everything else. I wish I knew what to think, say, feel... I wish it were different, had been different, in a lot of ways. I always have. But it wasn't, it isn't, and it's very hard for someone like me to wrap my head around things happening as they are. Is it the right thing? Objectively, I can say absolutely. As a mom, a wife, a woman, complete with all those emotions... I honestly don't know. I have a lot of things on my mind, and I don't trust a lot of my feelings, or anyone elses'. No one is 100% selfless. No one in this particular situation is 100% open. And I don't say that with malice, I say that with my own hesitation and an understanding of everyone elses' involved. But I also know that everything happens for a reason, and we are not in control, we are not the ones with the real plans. So, I may not put my trust in anyone else, but I'm laying it at His doorstep and saying, ok. I get it. I've asked for guidance, for signs, and I have to trust what I've gotten back. It really isn't about me. It's about being the person I'm needed to be, for my husband, my children, and the others involved.

Sorry it's been so long, but my head has really been elsewhere lately. Lots happening, lots going to happen, and not much I can say without the veiled crap I have to work with right now. LOL Add to it, the PC crashed and I'm on J's laptop-which i HATE, btw- until further notice. But, I'm going to hang around this time I think. At least for a minute ;)

How was back to school Internet? How's things?

Unsinkable Ships

I had a conversation this evening that I wish, now, I'd had ages ago. But like everything else, maybe it just wasn't time before. Maybe I needed, personally, to have the emotions I did and the thoughts that I did so that when everything started to unravel, or come together- it's all in how you see it, and some situations are both- it would all happen at the same time, piece by piece.

It's odd to think how one choice can change so many things, have an effect on so many things. And how, after awhile, you almost forget not to think of it. Or how when something major happens, the picture shifts just slightly, and you say ahh... ok... I get it.

There is a reason for everything. I have always said it, and while we may never fully understand the reasons, we will come out of it better people, if we just pay attention, listen and do the right thing. Even the things that seem impossible to hurdle- it happens when it should.

My house is calm. Like, for the first time we aren't holding our breath. I know it's confusing, but I can't explain things any other way right now. We are doing the right things, and we are seeing each other differently I think, or seeing what we used to maybe? Either way, like the negative, a positive vibe has a trickle effect. And while I'm a little unnerved by some of the details of life right now, it can't put a dent in it.

This is about us. All of us. This is the right thing. There is no choice but to do the right thing, no matter what... it's just getting to that point and no longer caring what other people may think, say or do to ruin it, stop it, stall it, or whatever. People are going to do what they choose- it's all in your reaction to them. That, at the end of the day, proves the kind of person you truly are.

This? Is about me. Is about my kids, my husband, my family. Our family. And you know what? It's long, long overdue.

A Piece of Childhood

I just had to take a moment. I just heard about the death of Michael Jackson, and I'm in complete shock. Regardless of the oddities and accusations, I remember Michael as a key part of my childhood. I had the cassette tapes, and even had Thriller on VHS. My friends and I imitated his moves in our own dance routines, and later on, I introduced myself to The Jackson Five. This is a sad sad day for those of us who remember him as the man behind "Thriller", or the smiling falsetto in his family's group. No matter what the last years of his life brought, he was always the King of Pop. Maybe now, finally, he will be at peace.

Unleashed

**Warning** This may not be PG. This may not be PC. This may cause me to lose readers, gain readers, or cause nothing at all. This is what I've been talking about- the start of something different.

I'm sitting here with a glass of wine (**gasp**, she drinks!!) contemplating things that you can't even imagine, Internet. The carpets are shampooed, the kids are fed and bathed, the cats are sleeping, playing... you get the drift. My shit is together, right now. And yet... it isn't.

I've been thinking a lot about compassion, tolerance, acceptance, etc., the last few weeks. As the parent of a child with special needs (for you newbies, my 7 year old son has autism, and Early Onset Bipolar Disorder) you come across a LOT of ignorance, intolerance and outright cruelty. It's almost expected with other kids- kids can be mean, especially when another child is different. When it's NOT a kid is when I have a problem. Ignorance breeds ignorance, and unfortunately, there is a lot of that where we are. Blame lack of education (look it up), misinformation (ask me) or fear (it's not contagious, asshole)- but it's still wrong. My son has been called "a crazy", "goofy", "dippy" and more words that I can't even bear to put down here. By adults. That have children. Who live in my neighborhood. Where is the compassion?

I have a friend who was in a severe car accident on her way to work as a nurse in an assisted living facility. There was over $10,000 worth of damage to her vehicle (she was hit by a large truck). She was treated for cervical strain, given medications and follow up visits, and could barely move her neck arms or back for a week. She was fired for missing work- on the day of the accident. The company is now fighting unemployment. After firing her, causing her to lose her insurance and adding stress to an already devastating situation. She is a single woman raising a toddler. Who does such a thing? Where is the compassion?

When did we stop thinking outside ourselves? When did it become so "me, me MEEEE" that it's impossible to look at another human being-even a stranger- and realize that unless we live in their homes, walk in their shoes, and deal with their issues every single day, we have no idea what we're talking about, or doing, when we point our self righteous fingers and call ourselves "better"? No one is better. No one. We all got here the same way, and we will all make the same exit. Who we are inside is what counts-that's where your beauty lies- and I've seen a lot of ugly people lately, when it comes to having the heart to take a minute and just be kind. Or decent. Or even humane.

I'm not innocent here, either. I've been judgmental, I've been hateful... we all are at times. We're human. But it astounds me the lack of genuine compassion that there is anymore. We're so busy, so focused on ourselves that we don't look left or right to lend even a smile when someone is down. And that Internet? Sucks.

That sort of thinking leads me down some roads I didn't plan on taking. Confused? Join the club. I want to make a difference, I want to see change... and those things start at home. I'm getting my house in order, taking stock of choices, chances and changes. Some need to be made. Not on a whim, not for a minute... some need to be made. Starting with me. I need to look outside myself, my fears, wants, needs... some things cannot be about me. No matter how I want them to, they just can't.

I want my kids to be compassionate, respectful, and open to everything. I want them to see the world as an adventure- I want them to be excited to learn new things, meet new people, and to see "different" as something special. I want them to accept responsibillity for their actions, and to realize they can't conrtol anything but themselves. I don't want them to see labels, ever. I don't want them believing for a second that they're better than anyone- or that someone is strange because of belief, race, or who they love. Acceptance. We really are one world... why can't we teach our kids that? Different makes it interesting.

I know. A lot of rambling thoughts that may not really mesh, but they do, for me. And I hope in some ways they do for you. Who are we to say anything about anyone else? We all have our skeletons, our vices, and our pasts. Today. Today is what matters. We can't change what has been, but it's on us what will be.

Now, the question is- which way do you want to go?

And Then, Her Head Exploded

I sometimes sit back and listen to the kids talk, and wonder how it's possible for things to change so much in, what seems to me, so little time. And then I wonder- has it changed that much, or are you just seeing it that way because you're the parent now, and the things you know are a lot different that the things you knew when you were their age? Personally, I think it's a little of both. Times have changed, definitely, but now it's my time to worry and wonder, to plan and prepare so they're happy, healthy, safe... because they won't worry about those things. At least, they shouldn't.

I do think I'm more open with mine, in a lot of ways, than my mother was with me. Nothing is taboo, they can ask me anything, and ooooh, do they. LOL And honestly? I'd rather be the one answering with age appropriate responses than have the kid at school, or on the bus, or down the street, explaining things that are either extremely inaccurate, or right on, but REALLY inappropriate and scary (to me, LOL).

We covered the first "boyfriend" issue when Alyssa announced she was dating someone. And of course, dramatically broke up a couple days later. I love it, though... dating? Really? You're nine. But I remember how serious it was for me at that age... because everything is SO over the top make or break at that age. It's all drama, all the time, raising a girl, it seems. I don't remember being so... moody? Mouthy? Know it all? In charge? Secure? In touch with exactly who I was and how it would be? I admire her so much, when I'm not wanting to tape her mouth shut. :) We're growing in a new direction, my girl and I. She's gotten to a stage, already, where you can watch what she does and just see, so clearly, the woman she's going to be. And oh, man, what a woman she'll be. Strong, smart, independent, and ... every single thing I'm not, combined with some of the best of who I am. She takes no shit, and can give it back twice as hard. She has her course charted without even realizing, without even trying. She's NINE. It's humbling, to think that somehow, some way, she's become this wonderful person, in part because of me. And I'm thankful that Taylor has such an absolutely amazing sister to look up to and learn from. And even more so that their bond is already beyond unbreakable.

At the same time, I'm also getting the idea of the teenage years. Um, no thanks? Can we pass on it, because oh my God she's a terror already when she wants to be. She's stubborn and snappy, already has "oh my GOD!", eye rolls, sighing, stomping and slamming aced, and we haven't even touched on the want of the coveted cell phone. No, no and again, after almost six months of hounding, NO. I'm not one of those moms who thinks every kid needs a cell phone. If she walked to or from school, if she did any activity that I wasn't either at with her, or didn't give MY number to any and all people in charge? Yes. If she had a condition, if she was home alone, if I worked... there are a million good reasons for some kids to have cell phones. Mine does not have a good reason, other than "I want one."

I think they want too much too soon, which is typical, and I'm glad for it. But, being the adult, I now understand that they want too much without knowing or comprehending the dangers that can come with having it all too soon. Because not everyone is a good person. Not everything is safe to do. Not everything is as easy as you think. And some of that will come slowly, with time, while some of it will hit like a freight train, and as much as I want to shield them, I can't. Not from all of it. But, it will make them, shape them, change them... and they'll need that, too, whether they believe it or not.

Speaking of "need"? Remember the pregnant cat I posted about? Yeah. She stopped coming around for awhile, and then came back around, no longer pregnant. I assumed she'd had the babies, and was hiding them somewhere, and didn't shoo her from the food we keep on the porches (our cats go and and out, so there is always food/water available). I figured she'd need the nourishment to feed the kittens, had they survived.

They did. As far as I know, she had 3 or 4. Two of them? Are now residing in Taylor's old playpen, in dining/kitchen area. I know, I KNOW, believe me I know. But what can you do? They fit in the palm of my hand, were sitting out there, and meowed soooo pitifully. And I'm a sucker. They're the oddest color combos, too- black, gray, reddish tiger striped with one obviousy leaning toward calico. Adorable. And I'm a sucker. :) One of them has little white paws (Lyss named her Kali- short for "calico" but different,LOL) and is timid and follows the other one's lead. The other one... is bad. And of course, the one I like best. LOL But, they are both healthy and playful, eating solids, surprisingly, and shunning milk or mushy food. And I? Am a sucker.

It's time to gear up for another IEP meeting. I don't even really have anything for you on this right now only it's almost that time again, and my wants for him still stand firm. He needs to be challenged, to know there are consequences for every action, and you need to choose those actions wisely, and he needs to be with children his own age. Why? Because Jake imitates. He mimics the children around him a LOT, and if he is with his peers, his age group, he will fall in line with what they're doing, how they interact and play. If he is with a special ed group of kids varying in age, he'll mimc their behaviors. That's not a positive, and it regresses him, behaviorally and academically. He needs integrated. Period.

Taylor is talking. Sort of. She's now saying "kitty" and "car", "yeah", "yay" and "hey"- which is usually said like this "heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey!" at the top of her lungs. All these words in a span of three days! To add to the rest of her vocabulary. She has also realized that Mom means business and Dad will usually let her get away with just about everything. Typical. She's growing so FAST. Still cutting teeth, but now wearing ponytails and getting bruises and scrapes on her knees and making me gasp a hundred times a day- in fear, usually, as she attempts a stunt that I just KNOW will injure her. LOL

There's not much else happening, just a lot of watching them grow and wondering what's up ahead. It's comforting, seeing them making good choices and growing with a firm sense of who they are and what they're made of. But it's also comforting when I'm the one they still come to for the hurts, the curiosity and everything in between. I hope that never changes. That is something, maybe the one thing, worth anything else.

A Spring In Her Step

**Apologies to everyone getting this via mail- the first one published a blank post**

What is UP, Internet? I feel good, for the first time in almost three weeks. No chills or fever, no congestion, and almost no cough. I'd almost forgotten what it felt like to feel... good. My energy levels are climbing, I feel like doing something other than hovering under a blanket with a cup of tea , tissues and Vicks. Love it! Apparently, whooping cough is going around here (just heard this today) and it sounds eerily similar to what I was going through. Scary stuff, that!

There has been a lot of cooking here at Casa Diva lately. Recipes, recipes... I know, I know. But I'm SO paranoid about my stuff I honestly believe I'll post something and get a million replies along the lines of "That sucked!" or "OMG how awful!" Or "Boring!" Yeah, need to work on that whole not giving a crap thing. :)

Anyway, just wanted to give a little hug to everyone, since I'm feeling a1,00o times better in every way right now. Spring is in the air, things are slowing, possibly, to a semi normal pace, and I feel like I can breathe again. Literally. Without coughing up a lung. Life, Internet, is good.

A Cleansing Breath....

AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

OK, that works SO much better than a deep breath. For me, anyway. I've been taking a self imposed hiatus from the net lately, mainly because we've been battling these God awful chest colds that seem to have no intention of going anywhere, and by the time the rest of my coughers are asleep, I want nothing more than a hot bath, hot tea and bed.

But, I've also been spending more time just being, you know what I mean? Doing things, little things, to make things easier. Someone has to. And it's started to make things run a little more on the even keel I've craved and not had for so long. So, if that means less time online, I'm all for it.

But I do miss you, Internet. Not like I thought I would maybe, but I do. I'm not abandoning you, I'm just taking more time to balance what I need to and reconfigure some of the aspects of life that weren't working. Or were, but not the way they could be. And I need to figure out how much of that is me, then go from there.

Miss Lyss had a birthday last week, so there's a birthday post coming, I promise. Pics and all :) She got a few things she really wanted and I made her a chocolate cake that went over so well, she didn't want a bakery cake for her get together this weekend. She requested homemade again... made my day!

We are having some struggles with Jake and school again, so please keep your fingers crossed for the next little while. Nothing like before, but some behavior issues and ups and downs that are starting to keep things from being as balanced as they were. I'm stressin' here, on a lot of levels, and I'm not sure where to go with it, you know? Writing about it helps, but there's so much that can't really be said, either because I can't find the words, or I can't put some things out there. So, just think of us, would ya? On all levels.

I may post sporadically for the next little bit, but I'm not going anywhere. I just need some time to get my mind right (ha) and doing that isn't as easy as I want it to be. But, the best things don't come easy, and I'm not one to back down when I'm facing a challenge. Even a self imposed challenge. So, bear with me and keep checking back. I'll be around!

It's a Cat House, Everyone....

I don't even know where to start. With my lost (and now replaced) cell phone? With the light in the microwave suddenly deciding to die? (OK, that's not a big deal, but for some reason, it freaks me out). With the loss of Internet for days due to non-working anti-virus software, leading to malware, Trojans and other lovelies taking up residence on my beloved PC? Or with the cat setting himself on fire?

No, no, you read it right. My cat took it upon himself to jump onto my stove, where my gas burner was on, and proceeded to burn himself. Nothing severe- he was singed, whiskers and some of his neck hair- but no actual burns, didn't hit the skin.... But it scared me half to death. And only seems to have reinforced that whole "don't jump on my counters or stove" deal I have going on. Because when I'm cooking? And you decide you want to get a bite of it? You will burn your ass. And then you will look as if you permed your whiskers, and after the heart attack, I will laugh at you.

There's also the pregnant cat who has taken to sleeping on our porch. The same cat I believe either had or dropped her kittens here last summer. Now, she belongs to someone in the neighborhood, and maybe it's just me, but I think she should be kept indoors right now. She's hugely pregnant, and I wouldn't want my cat outdoors when hugely pregnant. Too many things can happen, in my opinion, and it just doesn't seem the safest thing to do. Also, I really, really, REALLY don't want her having kittens here. I wonder if it was one of my boys that did the job, though, the way she's hanging out with them. **sigh** We don't need more cats, and I know this, logically. But should she have them here and leave them, I know exactly what I'll do. I just can't leave them out there, especially when they're that small and defenseless. And the little guys from last summer were teeny tiny when I brought them in. So, Internet, pray for healthy kittens, wherever they may be born. And pray J doesn't kill me if we end up outnumbered by feline companions....

I will have something more interesting to talk about soon, I promise. LOL Stay tuned- you never know what's around the corner.

Books and Stuff

I've been writing for as long as I can remember. Same for reading. I have always had an appetite for fiction, and some non fiction, and I've always loved making my own little worlds where my characters live. I would love nothing more than to be published. That, so far, has not happened, and the self publishing route has been satisfying, for the most part.

I previously had 2 novels on one site for distribution, but due to policy and price changes I'm moving my stuff over to Amazon. They have a self publishing site of their own now, Create Space, and it seems a lot more cost effective and user friendly. I mean, I'm proud of my work, but not proud enough to expect someone to pay $70 for a paperback book- and that would be without royalties for the author. Ridiculous.

So, I set things up, and have a paperback of Sky Paintings on the way for me to proofread and check, then I'll give the ok to publish, and voila- type me in on Amazon, find my book. Almost like a "real" author, eh?

This is all happening from a friend of mine who recently read Sky Paintings, and has offered me a possible opportunity. I don't want to say much, or jinx myself, so mum's the word for now. I'm excited, flattered, and a little embarrassed- I'm not used to the attention, honestly, and I'm uncertain what to do with it. The idea of a possible group of people, unrelated to me, enjoying my book and wanting to know more? Intrigues me... but scares me some, too. I'm not interesting, LOL. I'm just... me, I guess.

Anyway, that's the long and short of it right now. I'm working on setting the space up, and possibly tossing Deadly Vision up, just because. I may have hated the work, but I did it. I'll keep you posted, and in the meantime.... enjoy that video down there! ; )

Pieces of Me Part 1

So, I had started this post and been writing on it off and on all morning. For almost two hours, I was back and forth, putting together a semi "25 things", because I keep getting tagged on Facebook and MySpace, and on a couple of the blogs I follow. I had decided to do it in parts, because I'm a rambler, and figured 25 things would end up taking up an entire page, so why not break it up. And in the midst of it all, Blogger decided to just delete the whole thing.

After sitting, open mouthed, staring at the screen for a couple of seconds, then telling Blogger pretty creatively what it can do with its mother, father, quite possibly the dog and all of it's neighbors, here I am again.

I've done a few of these before, and I apologize for any repeats, but I'm too lazy to look through the archives and see what I've said about myself before. We'll skip the obvious Oreo obsession, coffee love and NKOTB illness I enjoy every minute of. Although, after seeing them on Regis this morning, I'm sure there will be posts that mention this a few (hundred) times. I will do my best to refrain from mentioning Joe McIntyre's ass in jeans. No promises there, though- they're on the Today show tomorrow, so we all know I may be well into the babbling, non blinking stage for awhile. What can I say? There's something to be said for that man in jeans... a lot of which is very inappropriate, and will remain firmly in my head.

Anyway, where was I... I got a little.. sidetracked. **cough** Oh, right- 25 things. Or at least, a few of 25 or more things. Right.

I'm very passionate about my beliefs. I appreciate diverse views, opinions and ideas, and enjoy a good debate. I don't have to agree with you, you don't have to agree with me. I respect that there are differences for a reason, and I think that's what makes things so interesting. However, I also appreciate the courtesy I extend- don't push what you believe on me as "right" or "true" or "the only way". I don't force my thoughts on anyone, intentionally.

I have zero tolerance for ignorance, racism, etc. I do not understand the theory behind hating someone based on their color, ethnicity, lifestyle, etc. Everyone has the right to be happy, and to be themselves without worry, fear or hatred. why does it matter who we love, what our faith is, where we come from? We're all human beings, and what you think of as so different, or weird, or awful... maybe someone thinks it about you? Ya know?

I love movies, TV, music from the 50's, 60's and 70's. I would love to have been growing up in the 60's and 70's. Woodstock? Would have soooo been there. To see Janis Joplin perform live? Come on, seriously?? I'd have enjoyed the hell out of those decades- I'd have protested the war, burned my bra and been arrested. I'd have had a peace sign big as anything (ok, I did at one point, but for an entirely different reason.. ) worn Lennon shades (again...did.. but for another reason) and probably been barefoot and content.

I am still writing, even though I don't do it as often as I want to. I have three unfinished novels and several outlines and characters waiting for me in my Word program. They mock me sometimes, but I peck away when I can. One of my finished novels, Deadly Vision, I hate with a passion. Hate is too weak a word for it, really. I don't hate it because I think it sucks, I hate it because I revised that damn thing forEVER and still didn't get it quite where I wanted. My "vision", haha, was not great for that one.

I hate reality TV. I watched the first 3 seasons of The Real World eons ago, and enjoyed it. It was interesting, new and not crammed down my throat. Now? Everywhere I look, there's a new reality show. I don't watch if I can help it. I did watch Dancing With the Stars for one season, but ya know.

I have never read the Twilight books. Or Harry Potter. No, not even one. I have never even held one of those books in my hand. Yes, I know. I know.

OK. That's it for the first little bit. Nothing intriguing, I'm afraid, but a little more to know.

Watch the 10 am hour of Today tomorrow! Heh. I'm crossing my finger for jeans!

Facebook and TV

So, I went to Catholic school growing up. And yep, I wore a uniform. I was ten, you pervs, shut up!

Two different schools, two different states. Two completely different worlds. One in St Albans, WV, 4th and 5th grade, that was wonderful, and one here, 6th -8th grade. It was my decision to go to the school here; at the time, I was seriously thinking of Catholicism. Going to school here was... different... than I expected, and so I'm not Catholic. I was turned off of the idea almost immediately, because of differences in the churches and in the schools.

Why do I mention this, you ask? Because I've recently had the chance to reconnect with some old friends from St Francis, and I am absolutely blown away at what people are doing with their lives! Twenty years definitely changes people and things- not that I hadn't realized that before, but sheesh! Kids I still think of as kids are lawyers, activists, parents... it's insane! I have a new love of Facebook right now, that's for sure. Because seriously? That kid you liked in fifth grade? Is probably on Facebook. How weird is that? The girl you were best friends with? Is probably doing something amazing with her life, and you should check it out.

So, aside from being on Facebook as much as time lets me right now, I'm trying not to watch American Idol (I get sucked in, but I'm not overly fond of it), loving that Scrubs is on again, and really, REALLY happy that Life on Mars wasn't cancelled. We don't need to mention my obsession with Jensen Ackles... er, with Supernatural... because I can stop whenever I want to. Really, I can. Stop looking at me like that, I see you.

Not much else is happening in my corner of the world and I'm glad to take a break from crazy right now. With the holidays, the awful snow and everything in between, calm is a more than welcome visitor here. I'm tiptoeing around Calm, because he never stays long. LOL

So, tell me. What are you watching? And is Calm visiting you right now, or are you living in Losing My Shit right now? :)