Waiting for It?

No essays or writing experiments this time- sorry. It's all me this time, folks, since attempting to go about my business and live my life is just.. never.. good enough. So, by popular demand, I'd say the bitch is back. Miss me?

I'm tired of explaining myself. Explaining, finding justification for, life. It is what it is, and that's honestly the best way to describe anyone's life. I'm tired of worrying what repercussions will come from making memories and sharing them with my friends and family- because there is one, every time. I'm tired of taking shit and keeping my mouth shut- whatever life is, it isn't a game. Mine isn't anyway, and my kids' lives aren't either. I'm tired of it being ok for everyone else in the free world to do and say whatever they want- to stick their nose in, stir the pot or nudge someone else to... and there isn't supposed to be anything coming from it? Especially when keeping my mouth shut and being uninvolved with dramatics is apparently not good enough, because then it has to increase, or change course. But, if I really think about it, I don't have to say a lot. I really don't- it isn't as if I'm fighting the tide. No one is blind... or at least, not anymore. The last couple of months have opened a lot of eyes, and not from being angered or stressed, or having something to prove... you see a lot when you pay attention.

Now it's time to deal with this idiot school, again. Because of drama, because of stress, because of things I've sat back and been quiet about, things I've attempted to let “run their course”- well, it has run its' course. The fact that I'm having to go rounds again with the same people who were so bound and determined to isolate my kid last year... I'm done with this. No one isolates or upsets my kids. You aren't messing with their minds, their emotions, their balance. It just isn't happening- not while I'm steering the ship. And you can call me a bitch, you can think what you want to- it really doesn't matter. Yep, I'm horrendous. We are just awful! We're so horrible that our kids are well mannered, well liked and praised everywhere they go. Our two older kids are on the honor roll and mostly enjoy school. They are friendly, personable and the only issues we have ever had stem from our son's behaviors and patterns due to his autism. My oldest daughter is a teacher's helper, and has never been even reprimanded in school- when it comes time for conferences, I get a note, every time, stating she is doing so well I don't need to come in. They have friends, they have family who love and appreciate them. Our toddler is bright, engaging and right on schedule. She's friendly, outgoing, and thinks that everyone is her friend- because everyone she is surrounded with, in her daily life, is a friend to her. They get in trouble and lose their privileges like any other kid.. they're kids, after all. They fight and cry, yell, scream, run their mouths and there are days when I can't wait for bedtime. We have the typical issues- cleaning up after themselves, no it doesn't matter how many times he/she looked at you, you can't punch him/her. It's typical. Life in this house is messy, loud, chaotic and at times insane. Hell, I'm messy,loud, chaotic and at times insane- I'm a mother. It's part of our job to be all those things- if we didn't learn to bend, as well as learn as we go, we'd mess it up even more than we're bound to already. We make mistakes with them, and we learn from it. But the important part is we teach them- we give them the cushion they need to know that when they fall, however they fall, their mother is standing right there with them. I won't always agree with them, but I will support them. To do any less... what's the point of having a child if that, too, is conditional?

You know how I spend my day? In between apparently pissing people off and being so awful I mean? Tell me if it sounds familiar to any of you. My day never really “begins” because, as a parent, your days never really “end.” Putting them to bed doesn't mean it's over- there are bathroom trips, drinks, nightmares, upset stomachs.. you name it, it happens. Usually in the middle of the night. I think it's possible only after midnight for a child to actually get hit with a bug- they feel fine all day, go to bed and then WHAM! So you sleep with one ear open, always. And, as someone who “doesn't work”, I sure do sit around on my ass a lot- in between doing the laundry, getting snacks and meals, cleaning up after animals and a two year old all day, then three kids and the same animals at night. It's housework, homework, wrangling them for showers, backpacks, finding toys, dirty socks... I am the chef, the waitress, the maid. I'm the doctor, the surgeon for injured toys as well as children. I'm the judge, the defense attorney, prosecution and jury at the same time. I'm the referee, the counsel, the conscience. I'm their audience, the co-star, the dress up buddy. Back up dancer, bubble blower, boo boo kisser. I'm the entire staff here, because of the hours he keeps. I have so much extra time on my hands, obviously. My day “ends” before eleven PM and I consider it a good day. And that's the norm- that's not meetings and issues, emails, phone calls, family, friends. I'm the plan maker, activities coordinator, bag packer, diaper changer, potty trainer. I am their Mother. I do my job. How I do it is obviously working- my kids are a perfect example of doing something right. And if they defend themselves against someone and that's an issue- they are a lot like their parents. They don't go out of their way to start anything- but they sure can finish it can't they?

I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being questioned, challenged, f'd with. And here it is, in plain English, black and white- I don't give a damn what the issue is, what he said, she said, so and so thinks, wants and feels. You don't live in this house, you don't pay these bills. You don't raise these kids, or share in this marriage, or this life in that way. Back off. Schools, people, phone calls, letters, drama, bullshit. It's not happening- I'm not putting them through any more shit, any more games. I have a kind heart, not a gullible one. There's a difference. And I'm done. I'm tired of getting slapped every time that other cheek is turned. Some things are changing, and some are staying exactly as they are. That's the beginning and end of it. All I'm trying to do is live my life with my family, with happiness and joy and memories they deserve- I suggest everyone else do the same..

No Apologies

I'm going to apologize one time for those that I may offend or upset with the things I say, and that's all.** I've done that enough, apologized or kept quiet. I've put my thoughts and feelings behind everyone else, I've attempted to keep from rocking the boat, upsetting the masses... and you know what? It makes me miserable. Because while I'm biting my tongue, you see it as acceptance. You see it as me being ok with however people speak to me, treat me, talk about me. You see it as ok that I'm there emotionally for whoever needs me when they need me, and when it's my turn, I'm handling it on my own.

I don't ask for help. But I learned a long time ago that the people who expect me to drop everything for them are usually not willing to do the same for me. So I bite my tongue, handle my own, and am just a little less inclined to be there the next time.

I think I must seem very unassuming. I seem accepting, almost a doormat, in the way I have lived my life. The last couple of months have shown me a lot about people, and most of it isn't surprising, but it's still hurtful just the same. I seem to be one of the few who just have to “suck it up”, “get over it”, and continue to put myself after everyone else, whatever situation arises. And there's something you seem to forget- I really don't have to. That's the beauty of it- you don't have to, and nine times out of ten, I wouldn't ask you to. I would never ask anyone to put themselves in the midst of something where they would be uncomfortable, or be treated badly and pretend that's it's ok and time to forget it. It doesn't work that way for you, so why does it work that way for me?

My life, needs, wants and feelings are no less than anyone else's. To behave as if they are is pretty selfish, I think.. and it's just not the way I'm doing things anymore. I don't want my kids growing up thinking it's ok for people to treat them like they are less than, that they are unimportant, or have to put up with being jerked around at someone's whim. Doesn't work that way. And when I see my daughter upset, or confused as to why she's been treated a certain way, it reminds me she is a lot more like me than it seems sometimes. And I want her to view it differently than I did. I don't want her to be the kid who gets called or hung out with when there's nothing else to do- that starts the ball rolling that gives people the permission to use you, put you on a shelf and take you down again when you have something to offer, or something they can use you for. She is second to no one, she has no reason to feel as if she needs to strive for acceptance... and therein lies the straw that didn't just break the camel's back, it put him in a coma.

I think I'm tired of waiting. There's always another shoe, another jerk, another hurt. That's life, even on the best days. But when you get so accustomed to the other shoe that you spend at least half your time waiting for it, then going quietly with whatever comes from it, it begins to build. Then it just keeps building, festering, until you explode. Until you are so consumed with everything and everyone else that all you feel is exhausted. You have your emotions invested in everyone's hurts, issues and angers... and your own are sitting there, waiting, just like you do.

I'm tired of being that person. I'm tired of feeling like I am here to appease everyone, to be spoken to and treated however people choose, and have no opinion. I'm tired of my children seeing the fallout, or paying for other people's mistakes and that being ok too. It's not, it never was, and it will never be ok for them to pay for anything. When that starts, everything else comes to a screeching halt.

It's time to push the envelope. I'm not waiting anymore. I'm not appeasing anymore. I'm not spending my time, emotion or energy on anyone who doesn't do the same for me. I'm not sucking it up, I'm not being treated badly and pretending I don't think you're an asshole, just to make it easy on everyone else. While I'm busy doing that, who is making it easy on me?

My children are my life, and they come first. They won't ever be set aside to appease. I won't apologize for this life, and I won't be made to feel as if I should. I won't apologize for my thoughts, or feelings. I'm going to challenge myself, every day, to stop talking and start walking. Actions speak a thousand times louder than words, and God knows when I speak, it goes unheard. It's ok for you to talk, to say whatever you want so it's ok for me too. I'm just as free as everyone else, and it's time I realize that, and time you realize that as well. I'm done telling you what you want to hear, putting on my game face and wondering the entire time why the hell I'm wasting my time. I owe it to my kids, to myself, to put my money where my mouth is, and teach them that they don't ever have to accept or settle for being anyone's settled for, in any situation. They never have been, why start now?

Today I will practice what I preach, I will let my actions speak louder, and I think it's going to be a challenge- but I have never walked away from one yet, have I? I've fought through more than one “impossible” situation, and I always come out swinging. I do a lot of it internally, but it gets done. I don't need a standing ovation for doing what I need to do- though an occasional acknowledgment would be nice.

One thing I have learned in life, for certain, is that you have to stand up. Anyone can sit by, and let it all pass along... but what for? Stand up and never back down from what you know to be true, what you know is right. Sure, you'll piss some people off, maybe lose a few “friends”... but if they were really your friends, you wouldn't have to worry about it in the first place, would you?

So, I'm going to stand. My legs may be a little wobbly, my back

bone a little out of practice. But it's time to stop waiting, and start doing. Stop holding out for when it gets easier, and start pushing the obstacles out of the way. The way I'm feeling right now is pretty cut and dry, and pretty simple- When it comes to my life, you are either in it, or in my way.

**This is what comes of bottling it up. There have been several situations lately that have popped up and several times I've bitten my tongue or sat on my hands so as not to say or type things I actually do mean, but would have said in ways I didn't mean them. So.. no more. And that's all I have to say on it at this point- No. More.

Stories

So, I'm sitting here with an open Word document, and somehow, the words are flying. There's a fresh pot of coffee in the kitchen, and at the moment, it seems that I could type for hours. I suddenly have so much to say, and it just won't stay hidden anymore.

I have to admit, hearing the sounds my fingers are making, flying over the keys with no hesitation (and hopefully very few typos), I feel such a sense of relief. Writing, good writing, clear writing, has been impossible for so long... it's like finally scratching that awful itch you can never quite get to. But, one day, your angle is just... right... and then... ahhhhh. Finally.

Sometimes, when you least expect it, there is a light that shines in your direction, when the road is dark and you feel that no matter where you turn, which direction you choose, it isn't the right one. There is always a choice, sometimes you are simply so blinded by all you're dealing with, thinking, feeling...it just seems there are no more choices. But then there's a word, a song, a paragraph, a voice. The the lights come on, sometimes slowly, sometimes all at once, and you think “Yes! There it is! How did you know?”

This year has been a very long one for me and those I love, in as many different ways as you could possibly think of. There have been amazingly great times, and amazingly awful ones- very little this year has made middle of the road. I kept waiting for it to, but it never quite found that stride. And in wanting it so badly, I lost mine too.

I've been fumbling for a long time, wondering, waiting, searching without any idea where I was supposed to be going. I know it's somewhere special, I know there is something I'm supposed to be doing, and this year, for the first time, I think I truly lost sight of what it had always been. Writing has been my lifesaver for as long as I can remember, and yet, I could barely string two sentences together. I think that took something from me, and finding it again was something I had to fight for. I've worked so hard to keep it all together that it all just... sort of fell apart.

I have to let go, of so many things, and doing that has been an uphill battle. But it has to go- all of it, the excess baggage standing there in the corner, weighing me down and keeping me from truly taking a step forward and getting on with the business of making a life worth retelling someday. Because if that isn't what I'm doing, every day, then what am I doing here?

Where is it coming from, this clarity? From a voice, of course. A paragraph, a phrase. A new blog that has touched me on a lot of levels and given me some insight that is long overdue.I'm Listening is more than just my mother in law's blog :). She has a voice and a way with words that reach pretty deep. Be sure and give her a read- you won't be disappointed.

I'm not going to promise to be back soon, or talk much about the coming year. I'm just going to do. I'm tired of talking about what I'm going to do, or want to do, or need to do. I want to talk about what I'm doing, what I've done, what's actually going on, and not going to be.

I want to tell you stories, fiction and non. But more than that? I want to listen to my children tell the stories someday, and be able to truly cherish what they are saying, what they remember, what I remember. Because a the end of the day, it isn't about the happy ending. It's all about the story.

Breaking the Habit

I keep opening my Word program, or coming here and clicking "Create"... then I just sit there. The paper in my Word program isn't touched. I type a couple lines here, get disgusted with it, and just move on to something else. When I'm not writing, there's a problem.

I have been shaking my head a lot the last two weeks at people. I've seen the ugliest sides of myself and have questioned myself, J, and everyone around me, about everything. I've wanted to step in front of my family, and at the same time I've wanted to throw my hands up and get the hell out of this neverending circus.

But that's what it comes back to. My family. My husband and my children, and doing what I have to for them, and for me, to be happy, and safe. I'm tired of our lives being twisted and turned because of things that happened years ago, situations that have never been handled properly, even now. But why should it be, right? Why should it ever be more than head games and pissing contests?

Want to know why? Because now I'm involved, and now my children are involved. There will be no more of the bullshit- my main priority actually is my kids, not myself. My worries are for them, my wants are for them... and when anyone attempts to dismiss that? Put them behind anyone else? That is the final step in this ridiculous, childish, dumb ass dance I've been watching ever since J and I got together.

So, cross your fingers for us, Internet. Pray for us, our family... all of it... as we make some choices and some changes, and shift a balance that has never been really on our side. Life isn't a game. Childrens' lives, especially. Maybe it's time some people learned that.

Summer Fling

Hey there Internet! How's the summer been treatin' ya? How was your 4th? And wow, you look so tan! And your hair.. don't tell me, but I know you've done something different with it... lookin' good, Internet, lookin' good!

Summer has been a madhouse over here at Casa Diva. My blogging is almost non existent, and it crosses my mind at like, two in the morning, in an "oh, dammit, I didn't blog again..." sort of way. But there's not been a second to get down to it, really. From sun up to sundown, we are on the go. We're outside, we're running around... there's always something. I have maybe half an hour to update my Facebook or Twitter, and that's usually sporadic too.

I did want to take a minute, even though it's all over the blogosphere, all over the internet and media everywhere, to mention the odd amount of deaths in the last few weeks. Actors, musicians, athletes, TV personalities, all gone within what.. less than two weeks? Amazing. Sad, stunning and in some cases, almost earth shattering for some. It's been a very odd time, and more than once I've been almost afraid to check the news. Let's hope all are allowed to rest in peace, and that the families and loved ones of those gone will have the privacy to grieve that they deserve.

The summer so far has been a good one. Taylor is enjoying playing out more, and running around like crazy. She's starting to say a LOT, and still babbling that baby speak I think is too cute. I'm so not ready for her to grow up yet. She's at a good age right now. She's mimicking her sister, playing dolls with her, brushing each others hair.. just a lot of sweet little things that I hope they will continue to do. They definitely have a bond, whicxh I'm glad for. I worried that their age difference would make it hard for them to be close... was I ever wrong about that! They are inseprable. Alyssa has been teaching her to color, to play babies.. all the things I taught her to do, she's passing on to Taylor. And Taylor loves having a big playmate to boss around, LOL. She is, however, going to hit those Terrible Two's with a vengeance I think. She's starting to throw those little tantrums, when she's frustrated or not getting her way. Which I think is funny.. which really, REALLY pisses her off. I'm good like that.

Jake is still more of a loner, but he's been slowly opening up and being less timid in social situations. We survived a cookout with almost no meltdowns, and even then just a small one. All marks in the plus column. He's still developing his skills in the kitchen, and I'm telling you, the boy has a knack for it. He still wants to watch Emeril, and wants to someday own a restaurant of his own and cook on TV. He just loves it, and it is one of the few things that keeps his focus for an extended period of time. He loves food- cooking, shoppiong or eating. He just absolutely loves food. And I'm encouraging that with all I have. If I could get him to let me record him, I'd definitely share it with all of you. He's awesome in the kitchen!

Lyss is in a creative phase. Cutting, drawing, making dresses and dolls, adding flowers and fabrics. She's making an entire paper doll villiage right now, and then will probably move on to decorating her room with collages of things she's drawing or getting from old magazines. It shouldn't shock me, I guess, because J and I both have very wide creative streaks. So having creative kids isn't too shocking- it's watching how it shows itself that's pretty cool. The intense, all out way Lyss sets out with these extravagant projects that take days, even a week or more.. She's got ten times the patience I do, that's for sure! She loves to do this stuff though, and I never had the skill for it, LOL. I can't cut a straight line, let alone doll bodies and houses, clothing and accessories. And I've shamelessly gotten her addicted to watching The Young and the Restless with me. I watched it with my mother some when I was growing up, and the characters are like coming home, in a lot of ways. She loves it and looks forward to sitting down and watching it off the DVR in the evenings. Heehee. She yells at the TV just like I do, LOL. It's funny to see her as shocked or angered as an adult over these things.

Speaking of Y & R... Phillip is alive! In Genoa City! He showed up at the 4th of July bbq at Katherine's place and stunned her, Jill, Nina and everyone else. Including me! LOL Anyone else out there watching?? What do you guys think of all the wacko storylines, bringning back old characters, or about the whole Sharon baby daddy thing? Yeah, I get into it.. I've known these stories almost my entire life- I was watching when Nicholas Newman was born, lol. And then suddenly became older than me... and yet, sort of my age... Gotta love aging the kids in Soap Land..

Anyway, that's my summer so far. Kiddos and sunshine, an occasional get together, hanging out in the yard with friends and just soaking it up. And of course, a trip to Genoa City at the end of the day.... What about you? Tell me about your summer?

One of These Days..

One of these days, maybe you'll understand that not meeting your eyes isn't me being rude; it's part of who I am.
Maybe you'll see that I'm not deaf, dumb or blind to your emotions and thoughts- I don't understand why you ignore me, avoid me or think less of me... but I know when you do, and it hurts.
One of these days, you may realize my routine is what keeps me functioning, and when you surprise me, sometimes that's scary, and I react badly.
I know my triggers, know when I need to step away, but sometimes not in time. I'm not disruptive for fun, or to be mean- sometimes, I simply can't help myself.
Maybe, one of these days, I will be recognized, by everyone, as more than a "problem", a "brat", an "issue" or "not normal". What is normal, anyway? To me, none of you seem very normal- I couldn't do things the way you do, even if I tried. And I do- most of you just don't notice me doing it.

I'm not attention seeking. I don't ask to be looked at any more than I ask to be looked over. I believe, fully, in the people around me- everyone is a friend. I have the purest heart and soul you could ever find in a person.... yet I make you uncomfortable, uneasy.

I am not a brat, a burden, or weird. I am autistic. You can learn about me, if you take the time. Learn my quirks, see that there is more to me than a diagnosis. I have a personailty- I'm funny, witty and full of life. You can learn about my condition by asking my family, or even taking a minute to look it up. And most of all, you can pay attention to me when I smile at you, or try to engage you in conversation. I have autism. Don't worry, it isn't contagious.

**April is Autism Awareness Month. Please take time to learn more about this condition.
I wrote this to open some eyes, and also because I know someone out there will read this and know exactly what I'm talking about. It's too easy to dismiss a special needs child- I see it every day. And as a mom, it's my job to change the thinking of those in my son's life. So, educate yourself, or others. Offer support, or help someone to find it. Believe me, one shoulder can make all the difference in the world- maybe that can be you.

Autism Speaks

Autism Society of America

A Cleansing Breath....

AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

OK, that works SO much better than a deep breath. For me, anyway. I've been taking a self imposed hiatus from the net lately, mainly because we've been battling these God awful chest colds that seem to have no intention of going anywhere, and by the time the rest of my coughers are asleep, I want nothing more than a hot bath, hot tea and bed.

But, I've also been spending more time just being, you know what I mean? Doing things, little things, to make things easier. Someone has to. And it's started to make things run a little more on the even keel I've craved and not had for so long. So, if that means less time online, I'm all for it.

But I do miss you, Internet. Not like I thought I would maybe, but I do. I'm not abandoning you, I'm just taking more time to balance what I need to and reconfigure some of the aspects of life that weren't working. Or were, but not the way they could be. And I need to figure out how much of that is me, then go from there.

Miss Lyss had a birthday last week, so there's a birthday post coming, I promise. Pics and all :) She got a few things she really wanted and I made her a chocolate cake that went over so well, she didn't want a bakery cake for her get together this weekend. She requested homemade again... made my day!

We are having some struggles with Jake and school again, so please keep your fingers crossed for the next little while. Nothing like before, but some behavior issues and ups and downs that are starting to keep things from being as balanced as they were. I'm stressin' here, on a lot of levels, and I'm not sure where to go with it, you know? Writing about it helps, but there's so much that can't really be said, either because I can't find the words, or I can't put some things out there. So, just think of us, would ya? On all levels.

I may post sporadically for the next little bit, but I'm not going anywhere. I just need some time to get my mind right (ha) and doing that isn't as easy as I want it to be. But, the best things don't come easy, and I'm not one to back down when I'm facing a challenge. Even a self imposed challenge. So, bear with me and keep checking back. I'll be around!

Sunny Day, Sweeping the Clouds Away....

It's almost party time here at Casa Diva. Tomorrow, Miss T turns the big 1. She is, of course, having a party revolving around her favorite thing of the moment. I'm a theme junkie, I can't help it. With Lyss, it was Bear in the Big Blue House. Jake was Bob the Builder. These were steady, all encompassing loves for each of them, easy to pick, easy to plan. As always, Taylor has been a different kind of kid. She has had no all powerful love, like her sister and brother before her. She was briefly attached to Dora and Deigo, then Yo Gabba Gabba (and oh my God that is the scariest kids' show I have EVER seen). She's a finicky one, my T. But she has now discovered Sesame Street, and she is more entertained and fascinated than I've ever seen her. She absolutely adores Ernie, and is delighted by his laugh, his games, his voice. She loves Big Bird and pays a little attention to Elmo. But Ernie is her main guy right now, besides her Daddy. And man, does she try to imitate him. She has learned to point her finger, to attempt mimicking his laugh (and cracking up every time I do it) and to mimic a dog panting (which sounds a little obscene phone caller at times, but is very very cute.)

So, we are giving her the Street. Prepare yourself for the absolute cuteness of the pictures to come. We're doing her party at J's mom's house, because it's easier for everyone, and large enough to hold us all, LOL. We have the Sesame cake, decorations and assorted gifts that will surely be a hit with the Birthday Girl. I can't wait to see the realization that it's all for her. That's always a priceless moment, because at this age, they don't know to look forward to a party, or to gifts.

I've started and stopped a few posts about her upcoming birthday. I've come to realize that I simply can't write a sentimental letter to her and post it on the internet. I feel that's hers alone to have. And I love reading the letters to kids from moms- I think it's terrific to be that open online. I guess I am more private. Not in my love for her, or any of my kids. That I'll shout from the rooftops. But I am private, I suppose, in the journey I have taken the last few years- especially during my pregnancy and the first year of T's life.

I have grown with her, I'll say that much. I'm not the same person I was when I carried her, or the person I was the first few months of her life. That is a good thing, for everyone. I can't take credit for it, though. Taylor came into my life at a time I needed to wake up. To a lot of things. And she has changed my life, all of our lives, in a lot of ways I would never take back. For anything, for anyone. Having her has shown me things about myself I never knew, given me a perspective that broke my heart and gave me strength at the same time. All I can really say is 29-30 is a very different mindset than early 20's, when it comes to really seeing.

Here is to my last first birthday baby. My special, special girl who makes me laugh like I haven't laughed in years. The independent girl who looks so much like her big sister it amazes me. The walking, laughing totally her own person baby who dances to her own beat (although she loves her some "Single" by her Mommy's favorite guys) .

There were a lot of times I asked myself "why", about a number of things. But now I know. All of this led me, led all of us, to this final piece in our puzzle. This perfect little person who makes all of our days better. Finally, I think we get it. And regardless of how we got her, regardless of where we go.... it was worth every mile.

The Afghan

We went shopping today for a duffel for me to take on Friday. Because I enjoy a bargain, and because of the outrageous cost of large duffel bags, we headed to our local Goodwill. I'd never been in there, and as I explored, I kept adding things to the cart. We were headed to check out with a few items, plus the large duffel (brand new looking, $2.oo), when I spotted a corner filled with crocheted blankets. I love afghans, I'll tell you right now. We had several in my house growing up, and one in particular I have always remembered with a fondness- brown with colorful patterns, large enough to wrap my whole body in when I was sick, or sad, or just wanted to curl up and watch TV or read.

So I immediately veered off toward the afghans, sorting through red ones, blue ones, multi colored ones.... all the yarn was making me nostalgic (like most everything these days!), when I saw it, peeking out at the very end of a row, hidden by the others. A dark brown and color patterned afghan. Large enough to wrap up in when one is sick, sad, or just needs a place to curl up and make, or relive, a memory. A blanket much like the one we'd had; a blanket put together of nothing but yarn, needles, and obvious love and patience.

The afghan is on the back of my couch now, and it may not be contemporary, in style, or even all that gorgeous. It may be itchy to cover up with, it may eventually fray and fade. But it will cover my children the way my mother's covered me, when they are fevered and achy, when someone breaks their hearts. And they will never know, until they are much older, how much something like that can mean, what it can bring back to you in a flash- things you forget, things you put away. Things you lose, like the afghan of my youth. this blanket, like certain smells, tastes and sounds, will hopefully someday remind them of what it reminds me of- home.

Resolutions

Today was my meeting with CS, the superintendent and principal, trying to find a middle ground on the situation that occurred, trying to make my peace with it. I went into it feeling negative, I admit. But I left feeling a lot lighter than when I went in.

I will also admit freely that I did go in there with a plan. I took a complete timeline of the incidents revolving around Jacob and the school, typed out and printed- one copy for CS, one for the superintendent. I'm a very hands on mom, and I wanted to get that point across- when it comes to any of these kids, I'm not in the dark. I know, because I know them. Especially where Jake is concerned, I feel that i need to document, keep little notes with dates and issues, so that when something does arise, I'm ready. Besides that, I went in there with one intention- to humanize him. To make sure that my son had a personality, a face, etc., and was more than just a number on a file. For everyone. I explained his quirks, his behaviors, his reactions- I made sure they knew Jake as a person before that meeting was over.

And that was apparently the best move. Had i gone in there combative, it would have blown up in my face, I think. The way things were handled in there are really not anything I can complain about. No, nothing done or said can erase the error, but it can ease it some. Being on the same page, working toward the same goals, all with his best interest in mind, is all I truly want. And I feel I got that.

There was admission of confusion, of not following all procedure, and there were sincere apologies, with tears, that came with it. No one wanted anything more than to clear the air, and begin to help Jake to accomplish all he is possibly able to. And that satisfies me.

I was commended for my hands on parenting, my observations and awareness, as well as complimented on my note taking (I am apparently intelligent with a firm grasp of language, and am I a writer? ) Their surprise made my heart ache, but I understand it. Coming from the preschool we did, the special needs group Jake was in, you see all sorts of things when dropping off, picking up, etc. and there really are a lot of parents who aren't involved, probably because they are so emotionally exhausted and heartsick that they feel unable to handle anymore. But, if you aren't going to battle for your child, to push for every opportunity for them... who will? I don't think about it as doing something extra- he's my child, I'm going to push and poke for every single bit of anything I can get to help him, to get him into a situation where he can succeed. That's my job. It has nothing to do with being "strong", it is just simply what is and what has to be.

That made me think a lot though, being in there, telling our story from beginning to end. About before diagnosis, fighting for someone to pay attention. During diagnosis, after.. and all the ups and downs that come with it. We really, really need more resources and tools available to schools, communities, etc. I'm tentatively (thanks to J's mom) thinking of attempting some sort of organization for awareness of Autism as well as Early On-Set BiPolar disorder. I'm thinking fundraisers, non profit... and the more I think on it, the more it sounds like something we need in our community. Autism, especially, is a baffling disability. We need more research, we need more education for teachers, schools, churches, social services... why can't we have that? And why can't I get that ball rolling?

It's just something I'm toying with, thinking about. But, if we could find a way to have a fundraiser around April (National Autism Awareness Month), those proceeds could go toward the beginning of a non profit. A support group...something to raise awareness and inspire people to help out, to get to know more, to find ways to be involved.

What do you think?

School, Thirty, and The Block

That title sums up life right now, in a nutshell. I turned thirty yesterday. I'm not upset about it, yet. :) I gotta tell you, though, as it inches closer, it does some wacked out things to your mind. I think a new decade makes you sit back, take stock and think about life. You aren't the same person at thirty as you are at twenty. Time changes a lot of things; your priorities change, your responsibilities change.. everything sort of shifts from a twenty year old kid into this adult you never saw coming. So you do a lot of stressing, thinking, more thinking and figure out whether the places and things you wanted are still on track with you today. It messes with your head.

But, thirty itself isn't bad, I guess. I don't really feel different. I don't feel suddenly older, or wiser. :) I feel like I'm getting there, but I don't feel like panicking and rushing out for the wrinkle cream. At least, not yet....

School is chugging along. Alyssa's having no problems, as usual. The girl sails through school; I never get that. LOL She's good at pretty much anything she tries... totally not like her mom there. :) She adores her teacher, likes being with her friends, and is making some noises about cheerleading. I try not to gag or roll my eyes when she does. Much.

Jake is having an ok time of it, now. Things seem to have settled for the moment. I think being persistent (aka, you aren't messing with my kid, I'm not going away) has helped. He's printing and doing school work (new), coloring carefully, and got to have lunch and recess time with the regular kindergarten class. He did well with it, and hopefully it will happen more and more. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that they will transition him into the kindergarten class before a lot of time passes; he mimics behaviors and reacts to negativity. the more acting out he sees, the more he will try to get away with. If he sees rules and schedules being followed, he'll fall into line. Of course, saying it and being heard are two very different things. But, I tend to repeat myself if need be. And I can talk anyone under the table. So....

And, to feed my thirty going on thirteen self, my CD, The Block, came out today. I nabbed the Deluxe from Walmart this morning (preordered the regular 3 months ago, LOL). I'm surprised by it, and any former Blockheads expecting the same bubblegum stuff, be warned- this is not bubblegum. And you may want to grab some headphones for some of the songs. There's no swearing or anything, but it isn't your teenybop feel good New Kids CD. Oh, they wanna... feel good... don't get me wrong. They wanna feel real good, all night long. *cough* But it's good, and there are a few throwback songs for the feel good vibe. and the ballads? Ohhhh, the ballads are worth it all on their own. If you can get your hands on this CD, I'd recommend it. It's great to clean house to, seriously. LOL Or just relax to.

And speaking of, with my newfound evening freedom here at the Casa, I'm off for a bubble bath, some pepermint tea 9and maybe a cookie or six) and my new guilty pleasure, 90210. not the old one (which I absolutely adore), but a new generation... with some familiar faces! So, go relax, veg out and we'll meet here again. Same Diva time, same Diva channel. ;)

Did I Say "Normal"??

I should've known, really. Today was going too well. The bus brought Jake to his drop off... and then proceeded to attempt driving off with him. They were unsure, apparently, of where we wanted him to be dropped off. Since this is, from the arrangement the principal made, the only place close to home for him to BE dropped off... **sighs**

And it gets better. He got in the door and grinned at me (I stayed home with Taylor today, to fight off this achy pukey feeling) and he was missing half a tooth. Like, his front tooth is half gone, the entire right side. It looks as if someone cut it in half, it's so precise. Apparently, a fifth grader ( one who lives in my neighborhood, one we warned the teachers to keep at bay) pushed his head down on his desk, knocking the tooth out. And no one called me.

Jake says they sent the boy home early, because of it. He also says that he cried and cried, and that he wanted his tooth. Why they didn't send it is a mystery; the tooth fairy would certainly visit him for having his head slammed on a desk.

Yet another morning will be spent asking another set of questions. Especially why this boy (also in the special classroom, they are all crammed together.... totally detrimental to learning, I think) was anywhere near Jake, when we specifically asked he be kept at a distance. Especially when he'd have a chance to do something like this- because it was a matter of time.

I'm more than fed up, let me tell you. It's been every damn day with this place. I am no longer baffled at the low scores in our county, or even our state. The inmates run the asylum has never fit a situation better- especially when a grown woman is trying to put a tooth back INTO a child's mouth.

I'm at a loss this time, really I am. So tomorrow I'll go back in for some more vacant, lights aren't even on smiles and to have all my words go in one ear and out the other. Next time? I'm filing a formal complaint against the school.

Silence

Today is the first semi "normal" day I've had this week. Monday was prepping for the school week. Tuesday was the first day of school, which involved all the hassle of getting Jake settled. Yesterday, i got my wisdom teeth out and we had another issue with the school. I think that's finally settled though. God knows it better be.

So far, the kids are loving the back to school deal. Alyssa is happy with who her teacher is (and I was relieved.) Jake seems to be adjusting and doing well.. he even had and did homework yesterday! It's going to be ok. I keep tellig myself that- it's going to be ok.

As for me, I spoke too soon about feeling well yesterday. I've been out of it, basically, since around six last night. I have no idea how I got the kids out the door this morning, I really don't. I'm not in a lot of pain, but I'm sick to my stomach and dizzy. And exhausted. I think the last weeks have caught up with me, and adding dental crap to it has just wiped me out completely. I started throwing up around 4 this morning (no blood, the extraction sites are perfectly fine) and thought I was going to pass out this morning when I was helping Lyss with her hair.

The good thing is she's becoming so responsible about school, etc. I don't have to be after her to hurry, to get dressed, to find this or that. Everything's done when they get home. Papers signed, homework done and put back in their folders, then returned to their backpacks. Lunches (if needed, usually just for Miss Picky) prepped the night before, clothes, etc., all ready. and we get up early enough to take our time. I hate rushing around, half awake, and I think they do better through the day if they can be comfortable in the mornings getting ready. This year has been a major improvement, already, when it comes to being organized. With the shift change coming up, I am worried, though, that it will somehow get messed up.

Yeah, I said shift change. Jim's moving to 2nd shift, so we're on our own in the evenings soon. I think that will be good for all of us, for various reasons. It will be sort of weird, I guess, at first, but it'll get me into a different routine a lot faster. And if anyone needs an entire evening routine makeover, it's this house!

I'm out, for now. My plans for the day? Not much! LOL Relaxing and playing with Taylor just about covers it. That's more than enough for me today!

School Craze, School Daze

School starts next Tuesday here at Casa Diva, and although I am more than ready, I am also very hesitant. This is Jake's first year in regular school, and as any parent of a special needs kiddo knows, this can be a joyful milestone as well as a brand new sense of worry and turmoil. I want to set him up for success- I have a list to take of all the quirks, needs and issues that may or may not arise. His meds, possible side effects and when he takes what, are all listed. I have a list a mile long to help them get to know this complex child before they label him, pass him off, shut him down and shove him aside.

I have a game plan. Unfortunately, the school doesn't seem to be on the same page. the principal is trying her hardest to, now, set up the meeting she thought had already been taken care of. i am scrambling and hoping we get to meet his teacher, aide and those who will be with him daily on his new adventure. There is lost paperwork, lost time and a lack of communication i am beginning to find is all a part of this system we deal with. The school he is attending is the best in our district for disabilities, and we have a wonderful caseworker pushing and pulling right along with us to make this transition as smooth as possible for a child who does not do well with change. And when I say "does not do well" I mean does terribly, if the situation is handled wrong.

Jakers is the kind of kid who needs to know what's happening next month to be totally satisfied. We explain holidays in advance. Company coming, us going anywhere... all is explained ahead of time so he can prepare. School has been explained for months now, and he (as well as Lyss) picked out all of his own supplies. He went superhero for his first "real" school. She went High School Musical (only because there was no Jonas Bros. paraphernalia to be found thank you Lord forever and ever amen). They are both very, very excited and we have been encouraging that excitement. We both have always been together on that one, at least. Alyssa has a passion for learning like no other kid I have EVER known, and she's smart as can be. We did pass up an offer on the gifted program last year simply because it involved possibly skipping a grade- something she is not emotionally ready for. And because she isn't yet bored with what she's learning.

Jake has the same quickness; he's been labeled the smartest kid in class all three years at his school. It's the lack of impulse control that does him in. And does me in as well, because watching him fight himself is something that tears me up in ways that very little ever will. I want that brass ring, for all of my kids. and seeing it come so easily for one and so painstakingly slow, agonizingly slow, for another is harder to watch than I ever thought possible. He has taught himself to read, to count, to do all of those things- he wouldn't let anyone teach him. He watched, and then gradually picked it up himself. It's how he needs it to be, so it just has to be. You can't force a child to learn in a way that's not comfortable- that sets them up for failure. Letting him go at his own pace, to a degree, has made major changes.

He's become a different boy in a lot of ways this summer. He's learned to gage his own moods better, to control his impulses just enough to be safe. It's enough, it has to be. He now engages others in play- once unheard of. The hitting, kicking, screaming ball of rage has dissipated into a not as angry little boy. It's a major improvement- we still have our moments, but who doesn't?

Does all of this mean he's ready for school? Not without everyone, on both sides, being prepared. His quirks and triggers are definitely something the school needs to know- especially those who will be with him all day every day. I don't think I'm being too protective in saying that- there are just some things that you can't overlook. He will test the limits, and one wrong reaction could very well set his pace for the year. He's perfected gaging others and reacting accordingly. . in positive or negative way. He has to have the structure and consistency- giving in to him is not an option, if you want to get anything else done. Ever. He remembers, and he keeps on pushing.

I'm rambling, but I'm worried. Worried he will be too rough for them, worried they won't pay enough attention. Worried he'll slip through the cracks of a system not well enough equipped, or funded, to really do what they promise. I will probably touch on this a lot more in the coming weeks, just to keep myself sane about it. I want him to excel. I want him to prove everyone, including me, wrong. And I want everyone to be aware, really aware, of him. As a person, as a wonderful little boy. Is it too much to ask?

Award Time!

My buddy Whiney Momma passed on the Kick Ass Blogger Award to me, and I'm pretty stoked with it. i like being a blogger, like kicking ass... soooo, this is like Christmas for me! :) However!! There are some rules! So, I shall go against my new rule breaking mentality, and attempt to follow them as such.



Here's the rules:

• Choose 5 bloggers that you feel are "Kick Ass Bloggers"
• Let 'em know in your post or via email, twitter or blog comments that they've received an award
• Share the love and link back to both the person who awarded you and back to www.mammadawg.com
• Hop on back to the Kick Ass Blogger Club HQ to sign Mr. Linky then pass it on!

Grab code's below - don't forget to link up the person who nominated you for the Kick Ass Blogger Club. :)

BONUS: Are you a Mom or Dad Blogger, too? If so, join us at The Bloggerhood!

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I am going to bend the rules some and pass this on to everyone on my blogroll. I can never think of just five, or less, because everyone that I read gets to me in some way... otherwise, I wouldn't read them! So, now that I've jacked the rules, just a lil bit, it's your turn! Grab the codes and run!

Something Different

Here is a new piece of fiction I am working on. It's new and raw; I have not edited it at ALL, so any errors, spelling or grammatical, will be fixed later on, should I choose to continue on. This is not the one I am working on every day; that one is driving me mad. This one is actually a version of something I wrote in the 7th grade, and started again, with revisions, thanks to an article I found through the woman I want to be my bestest friend on the internet, forever and ever, amen. The article itself was shocking, heartbreaking, inspiring, sickening, strong, weak, awful, and wonderful all at the same time. There are some people who should be saints, seriously, and I cannot imagine going through these challenges daily. Especially with a child so severely impaired, who is not my own. I am not that selfless. I won't apologize for that; I think those who accept these challenges. welcome them even, are beyond special. They are divinity on Earth, and should be treated as such.

The actual article is here. The audio and video to it, which I have not been able to bring myself to watch/listen to, is here. Read (or listen/watch) with your tissues handy and with your heart ready to shatter into a thousand pieces. Seriously, this is the most horrendous case of child neglect you will EVER come across, please be prepared. What I wrote, or will write, is very much NOT this story. This story simply reminded me, in a way, of one I wrote long ago, for a best friend (hello Teresa Kawa) who bet me I could not finish a book. I did, and now I'm looking at it again, mixing things up and changing things, making some things less innocent, and some things more so. I was 12 the first time I wrote the story of a child thrust into a world without a true family unit, going on sheer 12 year old instinct. Now, I am an adult with kids of my own, I know a little better. And this story inspired me, as much with its evil as with it's absolute goodness. So, here you go:


It was putting your coat on that did me in, did you know that? It wasn't the hours I'd spent with you previously, filled with other people. It wasn't the pieces of cookie I'd fed you, the home baked cookies with shapes in the middle meant very little when there were others who'd fed you similar pieces. It wasn't the cup of juice I'd filled; anyone could, and had, done that. Anyone could have played with you, fed you, changed you... and we all did. You were so easy to please, for the most part. It was that coat, and the way no one else could put it on you but me. I will remember that until the day I die, and you will never have any idea how many things I compared to that over the years.

I'd like to think it was personal; that you knew I cared. That in some way you knew I'd taken a job to pay for things to buy, just for you. That maybe you knew you were wanted, even when you were something I was not allowed to want or have. Even though I did both. But, in the end, it doesn't matter that I bought you endless toys, it doesn't matter how it felt when I carried you around and we laughed, just laughed, for no reason. It all comes back to the coat.

I was the one who had to put you in your coat, that large foreign (to me) object of sleeves just perfect for little fingers to grab onto and refuse to budge. I can't, for the life of me, remember the color... how silly, when it seems to matter so much? But, it was for me, and only me, that you would sit without crying and allow yourself to be maneuvered into this piece of clothing. When anyone tried, you cried, I remember that clearly, and reached your arms out. For me. You cried, and when I came to offer help, you stopped, sat, and watched me as I dressed you. And for a second, I understood. That very moment made a lot of decisions for me, as you sat and watched me; looked directly at me. Trusting me, even though we were barely introduced. And I loved you, even as I dressed you, knowing that all those things I'd worked for would never be acknowledged, never be played with, never be yours. Not really. I wasn't allowed to say it, so I knew better, even in a "safe" place. I don't think I knew then how hard it would be, but I remember that I held onto you, even as the horn honked outside, and eyes pleaded with me not to make it harder, God not any harder, than it already was.

What I remember, other than that, was how you reached out to me, crying, as you left. That tore my heart out. I cried too, feeling an ache I had never known. One I wouldn't know again, not for some time. I'd have loved you, regardless, because of some things. What I did not know, until much later, was that I loved you despite it.



So, there you have it. Opinions? Criticisms? Give 'em to me.....

But Mom, You're Famous!!!

It's funny what kids can come up with sometimes. Alyssa seems to have gotten into her head, and shared with the neighborhood kids, that I'm famous. I tried to correct her on this, and her answer was "Well, you do write on the Internet, and people read it. Maybe even the Jonas Brothers, or New Kids! that would make you famous!"

OK, I seriously don't think her beloved Jo Bros. check out my blog. And I highly doubt that my beloved NKOTB are anxiously awaiting my newest post on teething, pictures of my kids or cats, or even the posts where I ramble on about my guys incessantly. Or about my pretty 4th row ticket to see them in Cleveland. (Did she just say 4th row? Yes! Yes she did!!! She did!!!)

That leads me to wonder about "fame" on the internet. There are some bloggers who are really, really well known, and can make a living from what they write daily. We all know who they are, I have some over there in my Blogroll. I don't think of myself in those terms, probably wouldn't even if I was lucky enough to find myself in the company of those talented men and women. I'm just a mom who writes, talks about her life and occasionally cleans her house. LOL I don't think I'm changing the world with what I say, and I'm not really trying to. I may try to make you think occasionally; I enjoy making people think, question, wonder and dream. Because i like to think, wonder, question and dream.

I don't think that I'm famous. I doubt I'll ever be. But my daughter does, and that makes me feel pretty good. That, alone, had me feeling like a rock star.

One of Those 99%

I agree with the woman in this article who says she wishes she had a brat. Seriously, I am all for freedom of speech- i think everyone has the right to speak their minds, offer their opinions, and all that good shit. But, if your freedom of speech includes saying my son is a "brat", or calling autistic children "morons", "putz" and telling them to "stop acting like an idiot" then I'm going to shove your freedom of speech up your ignorant ass.

I've never seen anything like what Michael Savage is saying about autism. It offends me, breaks my heart and frustrates me- there is so much unknown about this disease as it is, so little education for so many people, that adding this sort of ignorance to the mix is anything but helpful. I agree that sometimes doctors and medicines are a bad combination; some doctors are more than willing to hand you a "cure all" in a prescription bottle. But, not all children with autism are even on medications. And yeah, some do need it to function somewhat "normally" in every day life. What we need is research, education and real answers. Not more assholes like this guy, stirring an already murky pot.

Michael Savage is obviously the moron here. Maybe someone should tell him to stop whining and act like a man..... after all, if autistic kids should have that ability, so should he.

Check this out!

There's an uuber cool contest goin on over at The Secret Is In The Sauce... you guys should check it out, and try to win for your kiddos. Who doesn't want a bounce house??? Especially if you can bounce in it with 'em!

The One Where Mommy Cried

Well, one more step toward independence and away from Mom has been taken. Taylor is sitting. Still wobbly, still a little skeptical, but sitting. Alone. Without (much) assistance from me. And probably wondering why her Mom is bawling. Pics to come- of the sitting, not the bawling. : )