If you need to catch up, I'll slow down. But I can't stop. This is all too important, everything happening right now. This is what counts, all these little moments, all the in between. So, yeah. I'll slow down, but I know now that I can't stop. It just isn't an option anymore. I'm on the path I'm supposed to be, all the way around. I feel it in my bones. Life is happening, all around us, and why in the world should we stop? We should pause to look at it, reflect on it, enjoy the sweet moments and pay attention to the reminders that life isn't forever. We are timeless, but not immortal. Stopping happiness and joy from happening is a waste-of life and of what we leave behind, to be remembered by. That's why it counts, why it is SO important. What do you want to remember? What do you want to be the legacy you leave behind for those who love you, the ones walking, or running, to keep up, slowing down or calling for you to catch up. Nothing else matters, not really. Grab it and go with it- it's the only one you have.
There's no rewind button, there's no “do over”. I know, that sucks. I get that, believe me, I get it and it can cut away if you let it. But that makes here and now that much more important- do it better, now. Do it different, NOW. You can't change something you did, said, should've- you just can't. But it makes you a different person, one who regrets and learns, and knows better. One who sees the difference between who they were and who they are. Where they were and where they are. Sometimes that's a HUGE leap, and one to be so grateful for once you see it. It can change everything, give you everything you thought you'd lost, or never had to begin with. And I'd have missed it if I hadn't started walking.
So now I will keep walking, because if this is what I have, all of this, in my life? All these people, creating these moments, these memories, these life changing experiences- why would I want to do anything else? I know what I have, all the way around. I know how blessed I am, how lucky I am to be where I am right this moment. It's right. It just is. Can't explain it, can't fight it, don't want to. :)
Life is precious. Love and memories more so. I know that now without a shadow of a doubt in my heart. So.. let's take a walk.
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
6/1/10
5/10/10
Perfectly Obvious
I had a really good weekend. You know by now that I am always going to tell you about those moments, those “aha!” times... and whether I learn for a minute or a day, or maybe-hopefully- a lifetime, I'm going to relish every one of them. I had a lot of them this weekend. A lot of them the last couple weeks, I suppose, but the best ones came from this weekend. For the first time in a long time, I really appreciated and paid attention to what was going on around me- the little things, the big ones... and I am so thankful for the people who remind me, daily, to be grateful, humble, and to hold onto all I do have with all that I've got.
I spent Saturday morning with some of the women in my family, and it was the most amazing experience. We had a Mother-Daughter brunch at my mother-in-law and sister-in- law's church, and my mother-in-law was the speaker. She truly does have a gift with words, written and spoken. Not just a talent, which she has more than I could hope for, but a GIFT. She speaks from her very soul, and there wasn't a woman in that room who wasn't touched... because she was speaking to us. Reminding us that we are loved, blessed, important. That we are never alone, our shoulders should never slump, heads should never be down. She reminded us how important we all are- each of us unique, with gifts and talents of our own. And she reminded me that there is peace in faith.
I have a hard time with that- with having that unshakable knowing that even my most well kept secrets are not just mine to keep, to know. That I am not the only one who sees and knows my heart, my soul, my reasons and reactions. I have a hard time with that, with that absolute. I struggle with faith, with God and I really shouldn't- I have seen plenty of miracles, been given plenty of signs. I don't doubt He is there. I wonder how He could be there for me, that's all. And I envy that absolute- knowing you are never alone, your walk is never solitary. I question everything, it's part of who I am. I analyze, think, wonder, and do it all again. I could probably analyze myself to death over things... but maybe that's part of that being unique thing?
I walked out of there with a better sense of who my family is, where my husband came from, and how amazing it is really belonging. I belong to these people, and they belong to me. And that honestly is through the grace of God- there is nothing else that could have kept us together. But to know that? To really see that? It nearly knocked me down- I really belong with them. I'm theirs, they're mine... for the kid who never fit, the woman who skirted the outside of the line because of this, this or that? That was my gift this Mother's Day. They gave it back, what I've been missing, questioning, chasing. It really was right there in front of me- I just had to knock some old walls down to see it. Or rather, the walls were knocked down for me, which is sometimes even better. I have a new sense of myself, my faith, and my worth. As a woman, a mother, a wife, a daughter, sister, lover, friend... this weekend gave it back to me. In pieces, in words and gestures, I started to feel a little more peace, a little more me. That finding and holding onto me thing is a killer, you know? But finding me comes from the mountains as well as the valleys, and knowing what matters and what doesn't. And knowing that it isn't always peaceful or easy... there are hard questions, awful moments, and difficult choices and decisions. But that doesn't change the core, the base, that foundation. Unless I let it. The only thing really shaking the tree is me- no one can make it or break it, but my emotions and reactions sure can.
There was one thing said over this entire weekend that immediately opened up a part of me that I'd thought I would never see again. It wasn't said to me, and no one but me probably even remembers it being said. I haven't shared it, and I won't, but that one statement shook loose a lot of cobwebs, and THAT was when my shoulders relaxed, my head popped up, and had you looked closely enough, that was my moment. Over everything else, that was my moment. Everything else was able to really sink in and take hold because of it. And the best part was it didn't give me any glee, it didn't give me that sense of satisfaction that it would have before.. it just was, because it was true in the real sense of things. And acknowledgment does a lot. And even when it isn't said out loud, actions tell you a lot as well.
It isn't about being right, being better, being above- I've said it before. It's just about being, knowing your limits, seeing your strengths and your weaknesses equally. Without patting yourself on the back, or berating yourself. It is what it is, and every day is new, every day is a chance to begin something else, learn something new...
You can't change others, but you can change yourself. Reactions again. I'm going to keep my heart as open as my eyes, and see what is rather than what isn't. There is no what if, there is no might have been, or could be... this is what is. And I've been missing it, hiding from it, pushing it away because of what was. I'm just going to trust, in myself and in the people I love. The only walls I want are the ones against the negative- there's way too much of that in the world, and letting go, being rid of it, is hard. But it eats away at everything that counts. That's what is so hard to remember sometimes- we focus so much on one negative, one jab, one thing that chips away at all the good we really do have. It takes away from the significant. I'm not doing that anymore- I owe too much to the people who love me, the people I have and am building this life and these memories with, to allow anything to stand in the way of it. There has been too much hurt, too many moments that would have been perfect but for... It's such a waste. I don't want to waste the time I've got, and I'm not going to anymore. Emotions have a trickle effect, and why should any of us allow all the outside bs to trickle in, change our moments, days or lives? Because it's meant to? Because it's pointed? Who cares? That isn't on me, that's only for me to recognize and react to. That's where my choice lies. And it's easy to get worked up, angry, worried... but why, when it's obviously the point? Especially when it's obviously the point? And even more so, when it doesn't matter to anyone else? That's what I needed to see, I think- I wasn't the only one seeing it. I was just the only one reacting.
Like I said, it was a good weekend. I had a lot of conversations, a lot of lessons, and the main lightbulb moments I needed, from the people I needed them from most. The strongest tie in the world is love. I belong with the people I have, and they belong with me. The rest of it doesn't hold weight or power over me unless I choose to allow that. And why should I, when no one else is? Does that mean all the negative will magically disappear? Of course not. Does it mean things won't touch a nerve, cause an annoyance? Nope. But it does mean that I'm not allowing it into my day, or into our lives, to make a major out of a minor. It does mean that I can see some things as almost routine- because it really is obvious- and just go on. I choose to be transparent and enjoy my life with good people and good times, not to be transparent and enjoy my life by being negative or spiteful. That's my choice. What's yours?
I spent Saturday morning with some of the women in my family, and it was the most amazing experience. We had a Mother-Daughter brunch at my mother-in-law and sister-in- law's church, and my mother-in-law was the speaker. She truly does have a gift with words, written and spoken. Not just a talent, which she has more than I could hope for, but a GIFT. She speaks from her very soul, and there wasn't a woman in that room who wasn't touched... because she was speaking to us. Reminding us that we are loved, blessed, important. That we are never alone, our shoulders should never slump, heads should never be down. She reminded us how important we all are- each of us unique, with gifts and talents of our own. And she reminded me that there is peace in faith.
I have a hard time with that- with having that unshakable knowing that even my most well kept secrets are not just mine to keep, to know. That I am not the only one who sees and knows my heart, my soul, my reasons and reactions. I have a hard time with that, with that absolute. I struggle with faith, with God and I really shouldn't- I have seen plenty of miracles, been given plenty of signs. I don't doubt He is there. I wonder how He could be there for me, that's all. And I envy that absolute- knowing you are never alone, your walk is never solitary. I question everything, it's part of who I am. I analyze, think, wonder, and do it all again. I could probably analyze myself to death over things... but maybe that's part of that being unique thing?
I walked out of there with a better sense of who my family is, where my husband came from, and how amazing it is really belonging. I belong to these people, and they belong to me. And that honestly is through the grace of God- there is nothing else that could have kept us together. But to know that? To really see that? It nearly knocked me down- I really belong with them. I'm theirs, they're mine... for the kid who never fit, the woman who skirted the outside of the line because of this, this or that? That was my gift this Mother's Day. They gave it back, what I've been missing, questioning, chasing. It really was right there in front of me- I just had to knock some old walls down to see it. Or rather, the walls were knocked down for me, which is sometimes even better. I have a new sense of myself, my faith, and my worth. As a woman, a mother, a wife, a daughter, sister, lover, friend... this weekend gave it back to me. In pieces, in words and gestures, I started to feel a little more peace, a little more me. That finding and holding onto me thing is a killer, you know? But finding me comes from the mountains as well as the valleys, and knowing what matters and what doesn't. And knowing that it isn't always peaceful or easy... there are hard questions, awful moments, and difficult choices and decisions. But that doesn't change the core, the base, that foundation. Unless I let it. The only thing really shaking the tree is me- no one can make it or break it, but my emotions and reactions sure can.
There was one thing said over this entire weekend that immediately opened up a part of me that I'd thought I would never see again. It wasn't said to me, and no one but me probably even remembers it being said. I haven't shared it, and I won't, but that one statement shook loose a lot of cobwebs, and THAT was when my shoulders relaxed, my head popped up, and had you looked closely enough, that was my moment. Over everything else, that was my moment. Everything else was able to really sink in and take hold because of it. And the best part was it didn't give me any glee, it didn't give me that sense of satisfaction that it would have before.. it just was, because it was true in the real sense of things. And acknowledgment does a lot. And even when it isn't said out loud, actions tell you a lot as well.
It isn't about being right, being better, being above- I've said it before. It's just about being, knowing your limits, seeing your strengths and your weaknesses equally. Without patting yourself on the back, or berating yourself. It is what it is, and every day is new, every day is a chance to begin something else, learn something new...
You can't change others, but you can change yourself. Reactions again. I'm going to keep my heart as open as my eyes, and see what is rather than what isn't. There is no what if, there is no might have been, or could be... this is what is. And I've been missing it, hiding from it, pushing it away because of what was. I'm just going to trust, in myself and in the people I love. The only walls I want are the ones against the negative- there's way too much of that in the world, and letting go, being rid of it, is hard. But it eats away at everything that counts. That's what is so hard to remember sometimes- we focus so much on one negative, one jab, one thing that chips away at all the good we really do have. It takes away from the significant. I'm not doing that anymore- I owe too much to the people who love me, the people I have and am building this life and these memories with, to allow anything to stand in the way of it. There has been too much hurt, too many moments that would have been perfect but for... It's such a waste. I don't want to waste the time I've got, and I'm not going to anymore. Emotions have a trickle effect, and why should any of us allow all the outside bs to trickle in, change our moments, days or lives? Because it's meant to? Because it's pointed? Who cares? That isn't on me, that's only for me to recognize and react to. That's where my choice lies. And it's easy to get worked up, angry, worried... but why, when it's obviously the point? Especially when it's obviously the point? And even more so, when it doesn't matter to anyone else? That's what I needed to see, I think- I wasn't the only one seeing it. I was just the only one reacting.
Like I said, it was a good weekend. I had a lot of conversations, a lot of lessons, and the main lightbulb moments I needed, from the people I needed them from most. The strongest tie in the world is love. I belong with the people I have, and they belong with me. The rest of it doesn't hold weight or power over me unless I choose to allow that. And why should I, when no one else is? Does that mean all the negative will magically disappear? Of course not. Does it mean things won't touch a nerve, cause an annoyance? Nope. But it does mean that I'm not allowing it into my day, or into our lives, to make a major out of a minor. It does mean that I can see some things as almost routine- because it really is obvious- and just go on. I choose to be transparent and enjoy my life with good people and good times, not to be transparent and enjoy my life by being negative or spiteful. That's my choice. What's yours?
5/4/10
Waiting for It?
No essays or writing experiments this time- sorry. It's all me this time, folks, since attempting to go about my business and live my life is just.. never.. good enough. So, by popular demand, I'd say the bitch is back. Miss me?
I'm tired of explaining myself. Explaining, finding justification for, life. It is what it is, and that's honestly the best way to describe anyone's life. I'm tired of worrying what repercussions will come from making memories and sharing them with my friends and family- because there is one, every time. I'm tired of taking shit and keeping my mouth shut- whatever life is, it isn't a game. Mine isn't anyway, and my kids' lives aren't either. I'm tired of it being ok for everyone else in the free world to do and say whatever they want- to stick their nose in, stir the pot or nudge someone else to... and there isn't supposed to be anything coming from it? Especially when keeping my mouth shut and being uninvolved with dramatics is apparently not good enough, because then it has to increase, or change course. But, if I really think about it, I don't have to say a lot. I really don't- it isn't as if I'm fighting the tide. No one is blind... or at least, not anymore. The last couple of months have opened a lot of eyes, and not from being angered or stressed, or having something to prove... you see a lot when you pay attention.
Now it's time to deal with this idiot school, again. Because of drama, because of stress, because of things I've sat back and been quiet about, things I've attempted to let “run their course”- well, it has run its' course. The fact that I'm having to go rounds again with the same people who were so bound and determined to isolate my kid last year... I'm done with this. No one isolates or upsets my kids. You aren't messing with their minds, their emotions, their balance. It just isn't happening- not while I'm steering the ship. And you can call me a bitch, you can think what you want to- it really doesn't matter. Yep, I'm horrendous. We are just awful! We're so horrible that our kids are well mannered, well liked and praised everywhere they go. Our two older kids are on the honor roll and mostly enjoy school. They are friendly, personable and the only issues we have ever had stem from our son's behaviors and patterns due to his autism. My oldest daughter is a teacher's helper, and has never been even reprimanded in school- when it comes time for conferences, I get a note, every time, stating she is doing so well I don't need to come in. They have friends, they have family who love and appreciate them. Our toddler is bright, engaging and right on schedule. She's friendly, outgoing, and thinks that everyone is her friend- because everyone she is surrounded with, in her daily life, is a friend to her. They get in trouble and lose their privileges like any other kid.. they're kids, after all. They fight and cry, yell, scream, run their mouths and there are days when I can't wait for bedtime. We have the typical issues- cleaning up after themselves, no it doesn't matter how many times he/she looked at you, you can't punch him/her. It's typical. Life in this house is messy, loud, chaotic and at times insane. Hell, I'm messy,loud, chaotic and at times insane- I'm a mother. It's part of our job to be all those things- if we didn't learn to bend, as well as learn as we go, we'd mess it up even more than we're bound to already. We make mistakes with them, and we learn from it. But the important part is we teach them- we give them the cushion they need to know that when they fall, however they fall, their mother is standing right there with them. I won't always agree with them, but I will support them. To do any less... what's the point of having a child if that, too, is conditional?
You know how I spend my day? In between apparently pissing people off and being so awful I mean? Tell me if it sounds familiar to any of you. My day never really “begins” because, as a parent, your days never really “end.” Putting them to bed doesn't mean it's over- there are bathroom trips, drinks, nightmares, upset stomachs.. you name it, it happens. Usually in the middle of the night. I think it's possible only after midnight for a child to actually get hit with a bug- they feel fine all day, go to bed and then WHAM! So you sleep with one ear open, always. And, as someone who “doesn't work”, I sure do sit around on my ass a lot- in between doing the laundry, getting snacks and meals, cleaning up after animals and a two year old all day, then three kids and the same animals at night. It's housework, homework, wrangling them for showers, backpacks, finding toys, dirty socks... I am the chef, the waitress, the maid. I'm the doctor, the surgeon for injured toys as well as children. I'm the judge, the defense attorney, prosecution and jury at the same time. I'm the referee, the counsel, the conscience. I'm their audience, the co-star, the dress up buddy. Back up dancer, bubble blower, boo boo kisser. I'm the entire staff here, because of the hours he keeps. I have so much extra time on my hands, obviously. My day “ends” before eleven PM and I consider it a good day. And that's the norm- that's not meetings and issues, emails, phone calls, family, friends. I'm the plan maker, activities coordinator, bag packer, diaper changer, potty trainer. I am their Mother. I do my job. How I do it is obviously working- my kids are a perfect example of doing something right. And if they defend themselves against someone and that's an issue- they are a lot like their parents. They don't go out of their way to start anything- but they sure can finish it can't they?
I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being questioned, challenged, f'd with. And here it is, in plain English, black and white- I don't give a damn what the issue is, what he said, she said, so and so thinks, wants and feels. You don't live in this house, you don't pay these bills. You don't raise these kids, or share in this marriage, or this life in that way. Back off. Schools, people, phone calls, letters, drama, bullshit. It's not happening- I'm not putting them through any more shit, any more games. I have a kind heart, not a gullible one. There's a difference. And I'm done. I'm tired of getting slapped every time that other cheek is turned. Some things are changing, and some are staying exactly as they are. That's the beginning and end of it. All I'm trying to do is live my life with my family, with happiness and joy and memories they deserve- I suggest everyone else do the same..
2/11/10
Girls
We've been snowed in here in our neck of the woods for what feels like.. forever, lol... and it's gotten my creative juices flowing in a lot of interesting ways. I'm writing a lot... and a lot I'm keeping to myself. But it's therapeutic, getting it all out. It makes a difference, having this outlet where I can be me, plain and simple. I can write for myself, get my emotions clear.. or I can write something else, with characters and scenarios I make up as I go. Either way, it's been a definite lifesaver the last few weeks.
But I've noticed myself drifting toward the “friendship” theme more and more again in my writing, and this leads me to thinking about all the women in my life. Since I'm obviously someone who thinks (thinks, thinks, thinks some more....) a lot about everything, I guess it's only natural to have come away from the last few weeks with even more to ponder. Good, bad, in between? Probably all the above, but it did give me an idea.
I am blessed to have a terrific circle of women in my life- all unique, all bringing something to my life I wouldn't have without them.... hopefully I do the same for them. We raise our kids together, if we have them, and love each others' kids like our own. We talk late into the night, early in the morning... without these women, I simply wouldn't be who I am.
So, this week, instead of the usual, I thought I'd take some time to really talk about, and honor, women. Valentine's Day is coming, and rather than think about hearts and flowers, let's think about chick flicks and best friends, chocolate and glasses of wine. The laughs, the tears, the inside jokes... and the way we simply have to have our girlfriends.
You may be related, by blood or marriage. You may have been friends since you were kids (and you are oh so lucky if you are... believe me!). You may be old friends, new friends, close friends.... think about it. Who do you call for a quick laugh or a long cry? The women in your life... they are a different kind of family altogether, a mismatched patchwork quilt that is one of the most precious things you will ever have. In a lot of cases, some of the pieces should never fit, and yet they do... in some, the patches are seamless. But as you get older, you realize that while only some of them are seamless, they are all timeless. They all give you a different perspective, a different piece of yourself, and that's pretty amazing. I honestly don't know where I would be without my girls.... from the smallest to the tallest :)
Don't get me wrong... we all love our guys, too. But it's different with our girlfriends... we get each other in a way most men can't. We're on the same level- we know each other... and we know what drives us crazy about these guys we love so much. Lol We vent to each other, get angry together, and counsel one another... we laugh and talk about what the kids are doing.. we cry over the losses and hard times, and we just get it. And we know that when it really gets down to it, when it seems it can't get any harder, we have one another's backs.. and that counts for just about everything, doesn't it?
So, this one is for the girls- from the smallest to the tallest :) I honestly am thankful, every day, for each and every one of you.
1/1/10
Hello 2010 ::)
I said I wasn't going to write a “wrap up” of 2009, and I'm still not planning on it. This year has seemed... bigger than about twelve months, more than just about this year. Sounds odd, doesn't it? But it is the best way I can describe it.
2009 was the year of searching, looking back through several years, emotions, experiences and questions. And finding answers, even when we didn't want to, even when it seemed that the solutions were harder to handle than the issues. This was the hard one, the big one. This was the boogeyman, the unmentionables, the upside down. This was about digging through all the muck, dropping pride and defenses at the door, and wading in. This was the year that counted, the one that may not have rewritten the book, but it sure did change the chapters in front of us. And look- we are all still standing here. Our hair may be a little tousled, but we're all in one piece. In fact, if you look a little closer, there's just that much more light in our eyes.
Life isn't about being “right”. It really isn't, as much as we'd like it to be sometimes. It's not about being better than, having more. It's about just being better. Giving more, being more.... it's about being right with who you are, and the decisions you have made, the life you are building. And it's about admitting when you aren't right with those things, being big enough to recognize the changes in you that need made, and taking the steps to make them. That's a hard thing, I'll tell you right now. That's the hardest thing you will ever do, and you'll hate it.... but it's worth it to find some shred of light, of peace, at the end of the road.
I have learned a lot about the people in my life this year, about the people they are and why. That's where it is for me- the why. The who you are because of how you got here. It fascinates me, draws me in... and it gives you a different take on things. You have to walk in someone else's shoes for a minute sometimes, to stop judging and see things from the other sides. Yours is only part of the story, you know?
I know some amazing people. I really am blessed, and I've come to see that every person in my life brings something to the table, brings it all together in a complex and unique mosaic that I really wouldn't change for anything else. I hope I'm bringing that, too, adding to rather than taking from. I'm working on it.
I think that 2010 is going to be an amazing year, the beginning of a really interesting journey. I'm ready for that, I look forward to it. I'm not making any resolutions, I'm simply going to go with it, as much as my over analyzing mind can, anyway, and let life... just... happen. It's going to anyway, there's no point in not enjoying it. We waste so much time on what if's, maybes... We worry ourselves sick trying to plan for every single possibility, and we miss out on the whole purpose OF possibility. That means you can do anything, be anything... if you just get out of your own way, that is. .
2010 is going to be the Nothing is Impossible year. Hmmm... I guess I DID make a resolution after all, didn't I? Oh well... I guess anything can happen, can't it? ;)
2009 was the year of searching, looking back through several years, emotions, experiences and questions. And finding answers, even when we didn't want to, even when it seemed that the solutions were harder to handle than the issues. This was the hard one, the big one. This was the boogeyman, the unmentionables, the upside down. This was about digging through all the muck, dropping pride and defenses at the door, and wading in. This was the year that counted, the one that may not have rewritten the book, but it sure did change the chapters in front of us. And look- we are all still standing here. Our hair may be a little tousled, but we're all in one piece. In fact, if you look a little closer, there's just that much more light in our eyes.
Life isn't about being “right”. It really isn't, as much as we'd like it to be sometimes. It's not about being better than, having more. It's about just being better. Giving more, being more.... it's about being right with who you are, and the decisions you have made, the life you are building. And it's about admitting when you aren't right with those things, being big enough to recognize the changes in you that need made, and taking the steps to make them. That's a hard thing, I'll tell you right now. That's the hardest thing you will ever do, and you'll hate it.... but it's worth it to find some shred of light, of peace, at the end of the road.
I have learned a lot about the people in my life this year, about the people they are and why. That's where it is for me- the why. The who you are because of how you got here. It fascinates me, draws me in... and it gives you a different take on things. You have to walk in someone else's shoes for a minute sometimes, to stop judging and see things from the other sides. Yours is only part of the story, you know?
I know some amazing people. I really am blessed, and I've come to see that every person in my life brings something to the table, brings it all together in a complex and unique mosaic that I really wouldn't change for anything else. I hope I'm bringing that, too, adding to rather than taking from. I'm working on it.
I think that 2010 is going to be an amazing year, the beginning of a really interesting journey. I'm ready for that, I look forward to it. I'm not making any resolutions, I'm simply going to go with it, as much as my over analyzing mind can, anyway, and let life... just... happen. It's going to anyway, there's no point in not enjoying it. We waste so much time on what if's, maybes... We worry ourselves sick trying to plan for every single possibility, and we miss out on the whole purpose OF possibility. That means you can do anything, be anything... if you just get out of your own way, that is. .
2010 is going to be the Nothing is Impossible year. Hmmm... I guess I DID make a resolution after all, didn't I? Oh well... I guess anything can happen, can't it? ;)
12/21/09
Perspective
Have you ever just had one of those days where it feels as if time has slowed to almost a stand still and no matter what you do, you just can't get it to move any faster. You can't concentrate on reading, TV, music... You've cleaned, baked, put the kids to sleep. The evening just stretches before you, and all the things you complain about never getting to do? You don't want to do.
Because, suddenly, there's this openness that you keep stretching toward, this goal you are determined to reach, no matter who or what seems just as determined to keep you away from it. You are reaching out of your shell, out of your comfort zone... and out of everyone else's. Scary thing, that.
Somehow, there has been a shift. It's been coming and coming, the build up has been impossible to ignore. It wasn't a light at the end of a tunnel, it wasn't a welcoming hand. It was a shove into the deep end and a cheery “Swim or die.” It was almost a direct dare to persevere, overcome, walk out of the ashes with your head held high.
So you did. Sort of. You went unheard, felt unseen. You watched your opinion matter very little, and you quietly took stock. You observed, you paid attention. You hurt, you soared. You cried, you felt overwhelming pride in the person you had chosen to spend your life with. And hated them in the next second. You rode the roller coaster, stomach churning the whole time. But you rode. Every single step of the way, through every up and down, losing a little of this and gaining a little of that with every turn. But you rode, unconditionally, even when you doubted and questioned every step.
And then, somewhere on one of those loops, something moved. Slowly, you came to realize that it wasn't up to anyone but you how you felt at the end of every day. And your shoulders relaxed, just a little. You stopped holding your breath quite so long. Because for the first time in God only knows how long, you took it back. You realized that worrying and hurting really weren't changing anything but you, and that was on only one person... yup, you.
So, ever so quietly, you found yourself looking for those pieces you had all but abandoned. And slowly, you are finding them, finding your way. It's a lot of two steps forward, three back, but you've come far enough to know that anything worth having is something you have to work for. And you're working, with and around everyone you know.
Your stomach is still churning, your hands still shaky. But the ride is different now. You are different. And you no longer clutch the rails, eyes clamped shut. You've realized it's a lot more fun with your eyes wide open, and your arms in the air, headfirst into the next adventure.
Because, suddenly, there's this openness that you keep stretching toward, this goal you are determined to reach, no matter who or what seems just as determined to keep you away from it. You are reaching out of your shell, out of your comfort zone... and out of everyone else's. Scary thing, that.
Somehow, there has been a shift. It's been coming and coming, the build up has been impossible to ignore. It wasn't a light at the end of a tunnel, it wasn't a welcoming hand. It was a shove into the deep end and a cheery “Swim or die.” It was almost a direct dare to persevere, overcome, walk out of the ashes with your head held high.
So you did. Sort of. You went unheard, felt unseen. You watched your opinion matter very little, and you quietly took stock. You observed, you paid attention. You hurt, you soared. You cried, you felt overwhelming pride in the person you had chosen to spend your life with. And hated them in the next second. You rode the roller coaster, stomach churning the whole time. But you rode. Every single step of the way, through every up and down, losing a little of this and gaining a little of that with every turn. But you rode, unconditionally, even when you doubted and questioned every step.
And then, somewhere on one of those loops, something moved. Slowly, you came to realize that it wasn't up to anyone but you how you felt at the end of every day. And your shoulders relaxed, just a little. You stopped holding your breath quite so long. Because for the first time in God only knows how long, you took it back. You realized that worrying and hurting really weren't changing anything but you, and that was on only one person... yup, you.
So, ever so quietly, you found yourself looking for those pieces you had all but abandoned. And slowly, you are finding them, finding your way. It's a lot of two steps forward, three back, but you've come far enough to know that anything worth having is something you have to work for. And you're working, with and around everyone you know.
Your stomach is still churning, your hands still shaky. But the ride is different now. You are different. And you no longer clutch the rails, eyes clamped shut. You've realized it's a lot more fun with your eyes wide open, and your arms in the air, headfirst into the next adventure.
12/18/09
Ahhh 2009
I spent a little time last night and this morning reading over the past year or so on my blog. It amazes me to see the difference a year makes. Going into 2009, I felt so many things that I'm struggling with as we head into 2010.
I think I spend a lot of time worrying what to write, for a blog, a status, etc... when I should just be writing. For me. If I never post it anywhere, I'll have it to look back on someday and hopefully think “Wow, you've come a long way since then... but what a ride huh?”
I don't want to do a wrap up of 2009. I have no intention of doing that. Talk about the year, the roads taken and not, sure. But there's no way to even begin to try and wrap up anything about the past year. How do you wrap up a year that seems to have wanted nothing more than to test every single thing in your life? Every move, every thought, every feeling. 2009 can bite it, ok? I'm not wrapping him up, I'm not delivering him anywhere with a shiny bow or a smile on my face.
I have never known, until now, just how much you tell yourself that you shouldn't think or feel a certain way. That you should always feel and think kindly, openly. Yeah, it would be amazing if it worked that way. But it doesn't. You may not want to feel something... guess what? You do anyway, regardless of what “should” or “shouldn't” thinks, and all you end up doing? Is feeling a hundred times worse for having an emotion in the first place. How could I think such a thing, feel this way... Because we're human beings, flawed and imperfect. Selfish and fearful. That doesn't make bad people- it makes people people.
I had thought I was done with these feelings, done with questioning, wondering... Is everything a test? EVERYTHING? When do I get a pass? When do the tests get easier, the answers come faster? Why is there always such struggle and hurt with these tests? Because you have to face the monsters in the closet someday. You have to learn who you really are, under all the walls and fears, the anger, the joy... who are you? Where is your strength? How far are you willing to go to find the way, find yourself? What will all of this crap teach you? What won't it teach you is the question.
I get that life isn't a destination, and that we are constantly learning and changing. We have to accept and move on, adapt and change with the rest of the world.. but we don't have to do it immediately, without protest, without wondering just what the point is.
The point is to find your balance. Yours. Not his, hers, anyone else's. Just yours. Find that, and the rest will seem a little easier. Just a little. At the end of the day, you have to make peace with yourself before you can with anyone else. And you have to accept that you aren't always going to be the person you want to be, with all the perfect responses that you “should” have. It just doesn't work that way. We don't work that way, and really? How boring would it be if we all had the same response to everything, the perfect answer to all of these questions, a 100% on every test? You wouldn't learn nearly as much... and you sure wouldn't have as much fun.
Do I always look at the woman in the mirror and find that contentment? Not by a long shot. But I think she's ok, most of the time. And I know her heart, those pieces she doesn't share with anyone but herself, and that I find peace with. Because only I know what's really in there, underneath all I say and do, all I show to the world. And that heart is a good one, albeit a cautious, sometimes cynical one. That heart has carried me through a lot of things, has broken a thousand times, and has loved beyond anything I ever imagined. That's an accomplishment.
I don't know what the next year will bring. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I wish sometimes that I did. It would make life a lot easier. But, life isn't made to be easy, is it? Life is about risking and searching. Learning, falling, and getting up again, each scar a sign of something you have come through, something may have knocked the wind out of you, but in the end, you did get up. Maybe a little less confident, maybe a little more jaded- but you got up. Sometimes that alone is the lesson- that you can get up again. You can brush yourself off, pick up the pieces, and rearrange them to make something different. And who knows? That something different may turn out to be what was supposed to be, all along.
I think I spend a lot of time worrying what to write, for a blog, a status, etc... when I should just be writing. For me. If I never post it anywhere, I'll have it to look back on someday and hopefully think “Wow, you've come a long way since then... but what a ride huh?”
I don't want to do a wrap up of 2009. I have no intention of doing that. Talk about the year, the roads taken and not, sure. But there's no way to even begin to try and wrap up anything about the past year. How do you wrap up a year that seems to have wanted nothing more than to test every single thing in your life? Every move, every thought, every feeling. 2009 can bite it, ok? I'm not wrapping him up, I'm not delivering him anywhere with a shiny bow or a smile on my face.
I have never known, until now, just how much you tell yourself that you shouldn't think or feel a certain way. That you should always feel and think kindly, openly. Yeah, it would be amazing if it worked that way. But it doesn't. You may not want to feel something... guess what? You do anyway, regardless of what “should” or “shouldn't” thinks, and all you end up doing? Is feeling a hundred times worse for having an emotion in the first place. How could I think such a thing, feel this way... Because we're human beings, flawed and imperfect. Selfish and fearful. That doesn't make bad people- it makes people people.
I had thought I was done with these feelings, done with questioning, wondering... Is everything a test? EVERYTHING? When do I get a pass? When do the tests get easier, the answers come faster? Why is there always such struggle and hurt with these tests? Because you have to face the monsters in the closet someday. You have to learn who you really are, under all the walls and fears, the anger, the joy... who are you? Where is your strength? How far are you willing to go to find the way, find yourself? What will all of this crap teach you? What won't it teach you is the question.
I get that life isn't a destination, and that we are constantly learning and changing. We have to accept and move on, adapt and change with the rest of the world.. but we don't have to do it immediately, without protest, without wondering just what the point is.
The point is to find your balance. Yours. Not his, hers, anyone else's. Just yours. Find that, and the rest will seem a little easier. Just a little. At the end of the day, you have to make peace with yourself before you can with anyone else. And you have to accept that you aren't always going to be the person you want to be, with all the perfect responses that you “should” have. It just doesn't work that way. We don't work that way, and really? How boring would it be if we all had the same response to everything, the perfect answer to all of these questions, a 100% on every test? You wouldn't learn nearly as much... and you sure wouldn't have as much fun.
Do I always look at the woman in the mirror and find that contentment? Not by a long shot. But I think she's ok, most of the time. And I know her heart, those pieces she doesn't share with anyone but herself, and that I find peace with. Because only I know what's really in there, underneath all I say and do, all I show to the world. And that heart is a good one, albeit a cautious, sometimes cynical one. That heart has carried me through a lot of things, has broken a thousand times, and has loved beyond anything I ever imagined. That's an accomplishment.
I don't know what the next year will bring. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I wish sometimes that I did. It would make life a lot easier. But, life isn't made to be easy, is it? Life is about risking and searching. Learning, falling, and getting up again, each scar a sign of something you have come through, something may have knocked the wind out of you, but in the end, you did get up. Maybe a little less confident, maybe a little more jaded- but you got up. Sometimes that alone is the lesson- that you can get up again. You can brush yourself off, pick up the pieces, and rearrange them to make something different. And who knows? That something different may turn out to be what was supposed to be, all along.
12/14/09
Stories
So, I'm sitting here with an open Word document, and somehow, the words are flying. There's a fresh pot of coffee in the kitchen, and at the moment, it seems that I could type for hours. I suddenly have so much to say, and it just won't stay hidden anymore.
I have to admit, hearing the sounds my fingers are making, flying over the keys with no hesitation (and hopefully very few typos), I feel such a sense of relief. Writing, good writing, clear writing, has been impossible for so long... it's like finally scratching that awful itch you can never quite get to. But, one day, your angle is just... right... and then... ahhhhh. Finally.
Sometimes, when you least expect it, there is a light that shines in your direction, when the road is dark and you feel that no matter where you turn, which direction you choose, it isn't the right one. There is always a choice, sometimes you are simply so blinded by all you're dealing with, thinking, feeling...it just seems there are no more choices. But then there's a word, a song, a paragraph, a voice. The the lights come on, sometimes slowly, sometimes all at once, and you think “Yes! There it is! How did you know?”
This year has been a very long one for me and those I love, in as many different ways as you could possibly think of. There have been amazingly great times, and amazingly awful ones- very little this year has made middle of the road. I kept waiting for it to, but it never quite found that stride. And in wanting it so badly, I lost mine too.
I've been fumbling for a long time, wondering, waiting, searching without any idea where I was supposed to be going. I know it's somewhere special, I know there is something I'm supposed to be doing, and this year, for the first time, I think I truly lost sight of what it had always been. Writing has been my lifesaver for as long as I can remember, and yet, I could barely string two sentences together. I think that took something from me, and finding it again was something I had to fight for. I've worked so hard to keep it all together that it all just... sort of fell apart.
I have to let go, of so many things, and doing that has been an uphill battle. But it has to go- all of it, the excess baggage standing there in the corner, weighing me down and keeping me from truly taking a step forward and getting on with the business of making a life worth retelling someday. Because if that isn't what I'm doing, every day, then what am I doing here?
Where is it coming from, this clarity? From a voice, of course. A paragraph, a phrase. A new blog that has touched me on a lot of levels and given me some insight that is long overdue.I'm Listening is more than just my mother in law's blog :). She has a voice and a way with words that reach pretty deep. Be sure and give her a read- you won't be disappointed.
I'm not going to promise to be back soon, or talk much about the coming year. I'm just going to do. I'm tired of talking about what I'm going to do, or want to do, or need to do. I want to talk about what I'm doing, what I've done, what's actually going on, and not going to be.
I want to tell you stories, fiction and non. But more than that? I want to listen to my children tell the stories someday, and be able to truly cherish what they are saying, what they remember, what I remember. Because a the end of the day, it isn't about the happy ending. It's all about the story.
10/11/09
Um.... Yeah....
Since it may be awhile before I post something even remotely interesting, and even longer before I post any actual "writing", I send you all to this creative writing post I did ages ago. Like I said then, the story itself had nothing to do with the article posted, or anything even remotely in common with the actual events. The rest of the explanation was almost 100% true. I DO have a manuscript in 8th grade handwriting that resembles this piece. I DID (and DO) have a friend named Teresa Kawa and that bet did exist. But, stories change. People change. And this entry will never cease to bring me to tears. For every reason.
10/2/09
Seasons
It is definitely fall, Internet. The season I am named for, and a season of change. My favorite season, with holidays just around the corner. I am a sucker for the leaves turning and falling, and then the kids' laughter when they jump into the piles of muted reds, oranges and yellows. It makes me smile, the crisp air and evenings made for stews and soups, chili and warm tea.
It's been quiet, which I'm not complaining about. I'm also not counting on it staying quiet, because as soon as I relax, everything changes. But it has been a really peaceful week here, and it drives home to me that this is how it should be. Peaceful and calm, no eggshells and no bombshells. Like I said, though, it won't last- things will need to go on, I suppose. It's what I do with that, for my kids and myself, that I wrestle with. I feel how I do for a reason, and nothing is changing that- only strengthening it.
Keep an eye on my other blog for some yummy, hearty recipes coming soon... the cook in me has been slaving without sharing, and that's going to change! :) There are quite a few stew-soup recipes I'm working on, and recipes guaranteed to make your kids enjoy some veggies if they're picky like mine. So, keep your eyes peeled... and for now, enjoy the fall! Grab a cozy quilt, some hot tea or a glass of wine, and snuggle in. It's good for the soul!
It's been quiet, which I'm not complaining about. I'm also not counting on it staying quiet, because as soon as I relax, everything changes. But it has been a really peaceful week here, and it drives home to me that this is how it should be. Peaceful and calm, no eggshells and no bombshells. Like I said, though, it won't last- things will need to go on, I suppose. It's what I do with that, for my kids and myself, that I wrestle with. I feel how I do for a reason, and nothing is changing that- only strengthening it.
Keep an eye on my other blog for some yummy, hearty recipes coming soon... the cook in me has been slaving without sharing, and that's going to change! :) There are quite a few stew-soup recipes I'm working on, and recipes guaranteed to make your kids enjoy some veggies if they're picky like mine. So, keep your eyes peeled... and for now, enjoy the fall! Grab a cozy quilt, some hot tea or a glass of wine, and snuggle in. It's good for the soul!
9/7/09
Uhhh.. What?
I turned thirty-one last Tuesday. I can't complain, I had a good b-day, and September has, so far, been a good month. The kids are flourishing in school, Miss T is enjoying being the sole attention getter during the day, and aside from the allergies that roll around every year, we're all in top form.
I can't complain, like I said. And yet... I'm sitting here, enjoying some (rare!!) quiet, and trying to prepare myself for the coming weeks. I think it's going to be interesting, these changes and emotions, and as soon as I'm wrapping my head around them, around this situation, there is always something else to wrap my head around. Such is life, right? But sometimes, I don't want to have something to wrap my head around, something to think about, anything to wonder about other than what I'm making for dinner, if the kids are having a good day, and whether that load of laundry will pick today to fold itself. I don't want to be the worrier, the analyzer, the one always planning eight steps ahead for whatever may or may not happen on any given day. I HATE that about myself, you know?
And there's a part of me that isn't that person. A part of me that doesn't have those worries, that rolls with it, laughs it off and enjoys the day. I like that part, I miss it when I can't find it. And I haven't lost it, misplaced it or had it hidden away as I think it has been in the past. I just had to be the grown up, and that pushed some of the easiness aside. Aaaand, I'm analyzing again. But, I doubt that's soemthing I can ever stop- my mind has a mind of its own, LOL, and it likes to work. And work, and work... you get the idea.
Life has been good, though. It really, really has. Am I worried that will change? Sure. Absolutely. I keep telling myself there's nothing I can't handle, and then I realize what that really says. I keep reminding myself things happen for a reason, and then I ask myself what the hell could it be??? I tell myself there are lessons, and tests, and think oh holy shit, am I going to pass? Fail? And how will I know which is which?? Loaded questions, all. And they have been for awhile- again, that's nothing new. But, it sure feels it all of a sudden.
Like I said- life has been good. I can't complain. Everyone is healthy, we have all been happy, and making plans for holidays, from layways to food and festivities. We've been doing more than surviving.. we have all been thriving. Together.
But today? Today I'm sitting here staring into space, thinking a million lost thoughts..... and oh my God, I want to scream...
I can't complain, like I said. And yet... I'm sitting here, enjoying some (rare!!) quiet, and trying to prepare myself for the coming weeks. I think it's going to be interesting, these changes and emotions, and as soon as I'm wrapping my head around them, around this situation, there is always something else to wrap my head around. Such is life, right? But sometimes, I don't want to have something to wrap my head around, something to think about, anything to wonder about other than what I'm making for dinner, if the kids are having a good day, and whether that load of laundry will pick today to fold itself. I don't want to be the worrier, the analyzer, the one always planning eight steps ahead for whatever may or may not happen on any given day. I HATE that about myself, you know?
And there's a part of me that isn't that person. A part of me that doesn't have those worries, that rolls with it, laughs it off and enjoys the day. I like that part, I miss it when I can't find it. And I haven't lost it, misplaced it or had it hidden away as I think it has been in the past. I just had to be the grown up, and that pushed some of the easiness aside. Aaaand, I'm analyzing again. But, I doubt that's soemthing I can ever stop- my mind has a mind of its own, LOL, and it likes to work. And work, and work... you get the idea.
Life has been good, though. It really, really has. Am I worried that will change? Sure. Absolutely. I keep telling myself there's nothing I can't handle, and then I realize what that really says. I keep reminding myself things happen for a reason, and then I ask myself what the hell could it be??? I tell myself there are lessons, and tests, and think oh holy shit, am I going to pass? Fail? And how will I know which is which?? Loaded questions, all. And they have been for awhile- again, that's nothing new. But, it sure feels it all of a sudden.
Like I said- life has been good. I can't complain. Everyone is healthy, we have all been happy, and making plans for holidays, from layways to food and festivities. We've been doing more than surviving.. we have all been thriving. Together.
But today? Today I'm sitting here staring into space, thinking a million lost thoughts..... and oh my God, I want to scream...
8/26/09
School Daze :)
Yesterday was the first day of school here at Casa Diva. 4th grade for Miss Lyss, 1st for Jake. She, of course, was beyond thrilled to be going back- school is one of her favorite things on the planet. Where she gets it? No idea! LOL He was reluctant, and after last year, who can really blame him. But, we were positive and encouraging, preparing him for the changes in advance, and we made it into the building with him all smiles.
This year marked the year of Jonas in our house, in the form of backpack, lunchbox, T-shirt, notebooks and jewelry. I admit, I rolled my eyes, but as a protest formed on my lips, memories of a neon orange lunchbox, as well as a hot pink and turquoise backpack flashed before my eyes. I shut my mouth and watched her get that look-you know the one- and had to grin. If she's lucky, she'll grin like that about those boys in 20 years.
Jake went SpongeBob.. again. He's reliable with it, at least-he has had a SpongeBob backpack every single year. But he likes it, and who needs an argument over that? It makes him happy, it makes us happy. And he's always eager to show off the new one. LOL
We got a note today that Jake is in the first grade regular class FULL TIME! That is HUGE, and something I had expected to happen later in the year, or maybe when pigs flew, to be perfectly honest. LOL But it marks a change, in the way he is seen and the attention that is paid. And? Not only is he in the regular class full time, he is in the class with the kids who are further along academically. That proves something to me- what he's capable of really isn't being ignored. Huge, huge steps. Both kids are happy and enjoying school, so far, and are excited about the things they're going to be doing this year. Major bonus, and something to give me a little room to take that deep breath I'm not finding these days.
Everything else... is still everything else. I wish I knew what to think, say, feel... I wish it were different, had been different, in a lot of ways. I always have. But it wasn't, it isn't, and it's very hard for someone like me to wrap my head around things happening as they are. Is it the right thing? Objectively, I can say absolutely. As a mom, a wife, a woman, complete with all those emotions... I honestly don't know. I have a lot of things on my mind, and I don't trust a lot of my feelings, or anyone elses'. No one is 100% selfless. No one in this particular situation is 100% open. And I don't say that with malice, I say that with my own hesitation and an understanding of everyone elses' involved. But I also know that everything happens for a reason, and we are not in control, we are not the ones with the real plans. So, I may not put my trust in anyone else, but I'm laying it at His doorstep and saying, ok. I get it. I've asked for guidance, for signs, and I have to trust what I've gotten back. It really isn't about me. It's about being the person I'm needed to be, for my husband, my children, and the others involved.
Sorry it's been so long, but my head has really been elsewhere lately. Lots happening, lots going to happen, and not much I can say without the veiled crap I have to work with right now. LOL Add to it, the PC crashed and I'm on J's laptop-which i HATE, btw- until further notice. But, I'm going to hang around this time I think. At least for a minute ;)
How was back to school Internet? How's things?
This year marked the year of Jonas in our house, in the form of backpack, lunchbox, T-shirt, notebooks and jewelry. I admit, I rolled my eyes, but as a protest formed on my lips, memories of a neon orange lunchbox, as well as a hot pink and turquoise backpack flashed before my eyes. I shut my mouth and watched her get that look-you know the one- and had to grin. If she's lucky, she'll grin like that about those boys in 20 years.
Jake went SpongeBob.. again. He's reliable with it, at least-he has had a SpongeBob backpack every single year. But he likes it, and who needs an argument over that? It makes him happy, it makes us happy. And he's always eager to show off the new one. LOL
We got a note today that Jake is in the first grade regular class FULL TIME! That is HUGE, and something I had expected to happen later in the year, or maybe when pigs flew, to be perfectly honest. LOL But it marks a change, in the way he is seen and the attention that is paid. And? Not only is he in the regular class full time, he is in the class with the kids who are further along academically. That proves something to me- what he's capable of really isn't being ignored. Huge, huge steps. Both kids are happy and enjoying school, so far, and are excited about the things they're going to be doing this year. Major bonus, and something to give me a little room to take that deep breath I'm not finding these days.
Everything else... is still everything else. I wish I knew what to think, say, feel... I wish it were different, had been different, in a lot of ways. I always have. But it wasn't, it isn't, and it's very hard for someone like me to wrap my head around things happening as they are. Is it the right thing? Objectively, I can say absolutely. As a mom, a wife, a woman, complete with all those emotions... I honestly don't know. I have a lot of things on my mind, and I don't trust a lot of my feelings, or anyone elses'. No one is 100% selfless. No one in this particular situation is 100% open. And I don't say that with malice, I say that with my own hesitation and an understanding of everyone elses' involved. But I also know that everything happens for a reason, and we are not in control, we are not the ones with the real plans. So, I may not put my trust in anyone else, but I'm laying it at His doorstep and saying, ok. I get it. I've asked for guidance, for signs, and I have to trust what I've gotten back. It really isn't about me. It's about being the person I'm needed to be, for my husband, my children, and the others involved.
Sorry it's been so long, but my head has really been elsewhere lately. Lots happening, lots going to happen, and not much I can say without the veiled crap I have to work with right now. LOL Add to it, the PC crashed and I'm on J's laptop-which i HATE, btw- until further notice. But, I'm going to hang around this time I think. At least for a minute ;)
How was back to school Internet? How's things?
8/5/09
Unsinkable Ships
I had a conversation this evening that I wish, now, I'd had ages ago. But like everything else, maybe it just wasn't time before. Maybe I needed, personally, to have the emotions I did and the thoughts that I did so that when everything started to unravel, or come together- it's all in how you see it, and some situations are both- it would all happen at the same time, piece by piece.
It's odd to think how one choice can change so many things, have an effect on so many things. And how, after awhile, you almost forget not to think of it. Or how when something major happens, the picture shifts just slightly, and you say ahh... ok... I get it.
There is a reason for everything. I have always said it, and while we may never fully understand the reasons, we will come out of it better people, if we just pay attention, listen and do the right thing. Even the things that seem impossible to hurdle- it happens when it should.
My house is calm. Like, for the first time we aren't holding our breath. I know it's confusing, but I can't explain things any other way right now. We are doing the right things, and we are seeing each other differently I think, or seeing what we used to maybe? Either way, like the negative, a positive vibe has a trickle effect. And while I'm a little unnerved by some of the details of life right now, it can't put a dent in it.
This is about us. All of us. This is the right thing. There is no choice but to do the right thing, no matter what... it's just getting to that point and no longer caring what other people may think, say or do to ruin it, stop it, stall it, or whatever. People are going to do what they choose- it's all in your reaction to them. That, at the end of the day, proves the kind of person you truly are.
This? Is about me. Is about my kids, my husband, my family. Our family. And you know what? It's long, long overdue.
It's odd to think how one choice can change so many things, have an effect on so many things. And how, after awhile, you almost forget not to think of it. Or how when something major happens, the picture shifts just slightly, and you say ahh... ok... I get it.
There is a reason for everything. I have always said it, and while we may never fully understand the reasons, we will come out of it better people, if we just pay attention, listen and do the right thing. Even the things that seem impossible to hurdle- it happens when it should.
My house is calm. Like, for the first time we aren't holding our breath. I know it's confusing, but I can't explain things any other way right now. We are doing the right things, and we are seeing each other differently I think, or seeing what we used to maybe? Either way, like the negative, a positive vibe has a trickle effect. And while I'm a little unnerved by some of the details of life right now, it can't put a dent in it.
This is about us. All of us. This is the right thing. There is no choice but to do the right thing, no matter what... it's just getting to that point and no longer caring what other people may think, say or do to ruin it, stop it, stall it, or whatever. People are going to do what they choose- it's all in your reaction to them. That, at the end of the day, proves the kind of person you truly are.
This? Is about me. Is about my kids, my husband, my family. Our family. And you know what? It's long, long overdue.
7/30/09
Breaking the Habit
I keep opening my Word program, or coming here and clicking "Create"... then I just sit there. The paper in my Word program isn't touched. I type a couple lines here, get disgusted with it, and just move on to something else. When I'm not writing, there's a problem.
I have been shaking my head a lot the last two weeks at people. I've seen the ugliest sides of myself and have questioned myself, J, and everyone around me, about everything. I've wanted to step in front of my family, and at the same time I've wanted to throw my hands up and get the hell out of this neverending circus.
But that's what it comes back to. My family. My husband and my children, and doing what I have to for them, and for me, to be happy, and safe. I'm tired of our lives being twisted and turned because of things that happened years ago, situations that have never been handled properly, even now. But why should it be, right? Why should it ever be more than head games and pissing contests?
Want to know why? Because now I'm involved, and now my children are involved. There will be no more of the bullshit- my main priority actually is my kids, not myself. My worries are for them, my wants are for them... and when anyone attempts to dismiss that? Put them behind anyone else? That is the final step in this ridiculous, childish, dumb ass dance I've been watching ever since J and I got together.
So, cross your fingers for us, Internet. Pray for us, our family... all of it... as we make some choices and some changes, and shift a balance that has never been really on our side. Life isn't a game. Childrens' lives, especially. Maybe it's time some people learned that.
I have been shaking my head a lot the last two weeks at people. I've seen the ugliest sides of myself and have questioned myself, J, and everyone around me, about everything. I've wanted to step in front of my family, and at the same time I've wanted to throw my hands up and get the hell out of this neverending circus.
But that's what it comes back to. My family. My husband and my children, and doing what I have to for them, and for me, to be happy, and safe. I'm tired of our lives being twisted and turned because of things that happened years ago, situations that have never been handled properly, even now. But why should it be, right? Why should it ever be more than head games and pissing contests?
Want to know why? Because now I'm involved, and now my children are involved. There will be no more of the bullshit- my main priority actually is my kids, not myself. My worries are for them, my wants are for them... and when anyone attempts to dismiss that? Put them behind anyone else? That is the final step in this ridiculous, childish, dumb ass dance I've been watching ever since J and I got together.
So, cross your fingers for us, Internet. Pray for us, our family... all of it... as we make some choices and some changes, and shift a balance that has never been really on our side. Life isn't a game. Childrens' lives, especially. Maybe it's time some people learned that.
7/6/09
Summer Fling
Hey there Internet! How's the summer been treatin' ya? How was your 4th? And wow, you look so tan! And your hair.. don't tell me, but I know you've done something different with it... lookin' good, Internet, lookin' good!
Summer has been a madhouse over here at Casa Diva. My blogging is almost non existent, and it crosses my mind at like, two in the morning, in an "oh, dammit, I didn't blog again..." sort of way. But there's not been a second to get down to it, really. From sun up to sundown, we are on the go. We're outside, we're running around... there's always something. I have maybe half an hour to update my Facebook or Twitter, and that's usually sporadic too.
I did want to take a minute, even though it's all over the blogosphere, all over the internet and media everywhere, to mention the odd amount of deaths in the last few weeks. Actors, musicians, athletes, TV personalities, all gone within what.. less than two weeks? Amazing. Sad, stunning and in some cases, almost earth shattering for some. It's been a very odd time, and more than once I've been almost afraid to check the news. Let's hope all are allowed to rest in peace, and that the families and loved ones of those gone will have the privacy to grieve that they deserve.
The summer so far has been a good one. Taylor is enjoying playing out more, and running around like crazy. She's starting to say a LOT, and still babbling that baby speak I think is too cute. I'm so not ready for her to grow up yet. She's at a good age right now. She's mimicking her sister, playing dolls with her, brushing each others hair.. just a lot of sweet little things that I hope they will continue to do. They definitely have a bond, whicxh I'm glad for. I worried that their age difference would make it hard for them to be close... was I ever wrong about that! They are inseprable. Alyssa has been teaching her to color, to play babies.. all the things I taught her to do, she's passing on to Taylor. And Taylor loves having a big playmate to boss around, LOL. She is, however, going to hit those Terrible Two's with a vengeance I think. She's starting to throw those little tantrums, when she's frustrated or not getting her way. Which I think is funny.. which really, REALLY pisses her off. I'm good like that.
Jake is still more of a loner, but he's been slowly opening up and being less timid in social situations. We survived a cookout with almost no meltdowns, and even then just a small one. All marks in the plus column. He's still developing his skills in the kitchen, and I'm telling you, the boy has a knack for it. He still wants to watch Emeril, and wants to someday own a restaurant of his own and cook on TV. He just loves it, and it is one of the few things that keeps his focus for an extended period of time. He loves food- cooking, shoppiong or eating. He just absolutely loves food. And I'm encouraging that with all I have. If I could get him to let me record him, I'd definitely share it with all of you. He's awesome in the kitchen!
Lyss is in a creative phase. Cutting, drawing, making dresses and dolls, adding flowers and fabrics. She's making an entire paper doll villiage right now, and then will probably move on to decorating her room with collages of things she's drawing or getting from old magazines. It shouldn't shock me, I guess, because J and I both have very wide creative streaks. So having creative kids isn't too shocking- it's watching how it shows itself that's pretty cool. The intense, all out way Lyss sets out with these extravagant projects that take days, even a week or more.. She's got ten times the patience I do, that's for sure! She loves to do this stuff though, and I never had the skill for it, LOL. I can't cut a straight line, let alone doll bodies and houses, clothing and accessories. And I've shamelessly gotten her addicted to watching The Young and the Restless with me. I watched it with my mother some when I was growing up, and the characters are like coming home, in a lot of ways. She loves it and looks forward to sitting down and watching it off the DVR in the evenings. Heehee. She yells at the TV just like I do, LOL. It's funny to see her as shocked or angered as an adult over these things.
Speaking of Y & R... Phillip is alive! In Genoa City! He showed up at the 4th of July bbq at Katherine's place and stunned her, Jill, Nina and everyone else. Including me! LOL Anyone else out there watching?? What do you guys think of all the wacko storylines, bringning back old characters, or about the whole Sharon baby daddy thing? Yeah, I get into it.. I've known these stories almost my entire life- I was watching when Nicholas Newman was born, lol. And then suddenly became older than me... and yet, sort of my age... Gotta love aging the kids in Soap Land..
Anyway, that's my summer so far. Kiddos and sunshine, an occasional get together, hanging out in the yard with friends and just soaking it up. And of course, a trip to Genoa City at the end of the day.... What about you? Tell me about your summer?
Summer has been a madhouse over here at Casa Diva. My blogging is almost non existent, and it crosses my mind at like, two in the morning, in an "oh, dammit, I didn't blog again..." sort of way. But there's not been a second to get down to it, really. From sun up to sundown, we are on the go. We're outside, we're running around... there's always something. I have maybe half an hour to update my Facebook or Twitter, and that's usually sporadic too.
I did want to take a minute, even though it's all over the blogosphere, all over the internet and media everywhere, to mention the odd amount of deaths in the last few weeks. Actors, musicians, athletes, TV personalities, all gone within what.. less than two weeks? Amazing. Sad, stunning and in some cases, almost earth shattering for some. It's been a very odd time, and more than once I've been almost afraid to check the news. Let's hope all are allowed to rest in peace, and that the families and loved ones of those gone will have the privacy to grieve that they deserve.
The summer so far has been a good one. Taylor is enjoying playing out more, and running around like crazy. She's starting to say a LOT, and still babbling that baby speak I think is too cute. I'm so not ready for her to grow up yet. She's at a good age right now. She's mimicking her sister, playing dolls with her, brushing each others hair.. just a lot of sweet little things that I hope they will continue to do. They definitely have a bond, whicxh I'm glad for. I worried that their age difference would make it hard for them to be close... was I ever wrong about that! They are inseprable. Alyssa has been teaching her to color, to play babies.. all the things I taught her to do, she's passing on to Taylor. And Taylor loves having a big playmate to boss around, LOL. She is, however, going to hit those Terrible Two's with a vengeance I think. She's starting to throw those little tantrums, when she's frustrated or not getting her way. Which I think is funny.. which really, REALLY pisses her off. I'm good like that.
Jake is still more of a loner, but he's been slowly opening up and being less timid in social situations. We survived a cookout with almost no meltdowns, and even then just a small one. All marks in the plus column. He's still developing his skills in the kitchen, and I'm telling you, the boy has a knack for it. He still wants to watch Emeril, and wants to someday own a restaurant of his own and cook on TV. He just loves it, and it is one of the few things that keeps his focus for an extended period of time. He loves food- cooking, shoppiong or eating. He just absolutely loves food. And I'm encouraging that with all I have. If I could get him to let me record him, I'd definitely share it with all of you. He's awesome in the kitchen!
Lyss is in a creative phase. Cutting, drawing, making dresses and dolls, adding flowers and fabrics. She's making an entire paper doll villiage right now, and then will probably move on to decorating her room with collages of things she's drawing or getting from old magazines. It shouldn't shock me, I guess, because J and I both have very wide creative streaks. So having creative kids isn't too shocking- it's watching how it shows itself that's pretty cool. The intense, all out way Lyss sets out with these extravagant projects that take days, even a week or more.. She's got ten times the patience I do, that's for sure! She loves to do this stuff though, and I never had the skill for it, LOL. I can't cut a straight line, let alone doll bodies and houses, clothing and accessories. And I've shamelessly gotten her addicted to watching The Young and the Restless with me. I watched it with my mother some when I was growing up, and the characters are like coming home, in a lot of ways. She loves it and looks forward to sitting down and watching it off the DVR in the evenings. Heehee. She yells at the TV just like I do, LOL. It's funny to see her as shocked or angered as an adult over these things.
Speaking of Y & R... Phillip is alive! In Genoa City! He showed up at the 4th of July bbq at Katherine's place and stunned her, Jill, Nina and everyone else. Including me! LOL Anyone else out there watching?? What do you guys think of all the wacko storylines, bringning back old characters, or about the whole Sharon baby daddy thing? Yeah, I get into it.. I've known these stories almost my entire life- I was watching when Nicholas Newman was born, lol. And then suddenly became older than me... and yet, sort of my age... Gotta love aging the kids in Soap Land..
Anyway, that's my summer so far. Kiddos and sunshine, an occasional get together, hanging out in the yard with friends and just soaking it up. And of course, a trip to Genoa City at the end of the day.... What about you? Tell me about your summer?
6/14/09
Unleashed
**Warning** This may not be PG. This may not be PC. This may cause me to lose readers, gain readers, or cause nothing at all. This is what I've been talking about- the start of something different.
I'm sitting here with a glass of wine (**gasp**, she drinks!!) contemplating things that you can't even imagine, Internet. The carpets are shampooed, the kids are fed and bathed, the cats are sleeping, playing... you get the drift. My shit is together, right now. And yet... it isn't.
I've been thinking a lot about compassion, tolerance, acceptance, etc., the last few weeks. As the parent of a child with special needs (for you newbies, my 7 year old son has autism, and Early Onset Bipolar Disorder) you come across a LOT of ignorance, intolerance and outright cruelty. It's almost expected with other kids- kids can be mean, especially when another child is different. When it's NOT a kid is when I have a problem. Ignorance breeds ignorance, and unfortunately, there is a lot of that where we are. Blame lack of education (look it up), misinformation (ask me) or fear (it's not contagious, asshole)- but it's still wrong. My son has been called "a crazy", "goofy", "dippy" and more words that I can't even bear to put down here. By adults. That have children. Who live in my neighborhood. Where is the compassion?
I have a friend who was in a severe car accident on her way to work as a nurse in an assisted living facility. There was over $10,000 worth of damage to her vehicle (she was hit by a large truck). She was treated for cervical strain, given medications and follow up visits, and could barely move her neck arms or back for a week. She was fired for missing work- on the day of the accident. The company is now fighting unemployment. After firing her, causing her to lose her insurance and adding stress to an already devastating situation. She is a single woman raising a toddler. Who does such a thing? Where is the compassion?
When did we stop thinking outside ourselves? When did it become so "me, me MEEEE" that it's impossible to look at another human being-even a stranger- and realize that unless we live in their homes, walk in their shoes, and deal with their issues every single day, we have no idea what we're talking about, or doing, when we point our self righteous fingers and call ourselves "better"? No one is better. No one. We all got here the same way, and we will all make the same exit. Who we are inside is what counts-that's where your beauty lies- and I've seen a lot of ugly people lately, when it comes to having the heart to take a minute and just be kind. Or decent. Or even humane.
I'm not innocent here, either. I've been judgmental, I've been hateful... we all are at times. We're human. But it astounds me the lack of genuine compassion that there is anymore. We're so busy, so focused on ourselves that we don't look left or right to lend even a smile when someone is down. And that Internet? Sucks.
That sort of thinking leads me down some roads I didn't plan on taking. Confused? Join the club. I want to make a difference, I want to see change... and those things start at home. I'm getting my house in order, taking stock of choices, chances and changes. Some need to be made. Not on a whim, not for a minute... some need to be made. Starting with me. I need to look outside myself, my fears, wants, needs... some things cannot be about me. No matter how I want them to, they just can't.
I want my kids to be compassionate, respectful, and open to everything. I want them to see the world as an adventure- I want them to be excited to learn new things, meet new people, and to see "different" as something special. I want them to accept responsibillity for their actions, and to realize they can't conrtol anything but themselves. I don't want them to see labels, ever. I don't want them believing for a second that they're better than anyone- or that someone is strange because of belief, race, or who they love. Acceptance. We really are one world... why can't we teach our kids that? Different makes it interesting.
I know. A lot of rambling thoughts that may not really mesh, but they do, for me. And I hope in some ways they do for you. Who are we to say anything about anyone else? We all have our skeletons, our vices, and our pasts. Today. Today is what matters. We can't change what has been, but it's on us what will be.
Now, the question is- which way do you want to go?
I'm sitting here with a glass of wine (**gasp**, she drinks!!) contemplating things that you can't even imagine, Internet. The carpets are shampooed, the kids are fed and bathed, the cats are sleeping, playing... you get the drift. My shit is together, right now. And yet... it isn't.
I've been thinking a lot about compassion, tolerance, acceptance, etc., the last few weeks. As the parent of a child with special needs (for you newbies, my 7 year old son has autism, and Early Onset Bipolar Disorder) you come across a LOT of ignorance, intolerance and outright cruelty. It's almost expected with other kids- kids can be mean, especially when another child is different. When it's NOT a kid is when I have a problem. Ignorance breeds ignorance, and unfortunately, there is a lot of that where we are. Blame lack of education (look it up), misinformation (ask me) or fear (it's not contagious, asshole)- but it's still wrong. My son has been called "a crazy", "goofy", "dippy" and more words that I can't even bear to put down here. By adults. That have children. Who live in my neighborhood. Where is the compassion?
I have a friend who was in a severe car accident on her way to work as a nurse in an assisted living facility. There was over $10,000 worth of damage to her vehicle (she was hit by a large truck). She was treated for cervical strain, given medications and follow up visits, and could barely move her neck arms or back for a week. She was fired for missing work- on the day of the accident. The company is now fighting unemployment. After firing her, causing her to lose her insurance and adding stress to an already devastating situation. She is a single woman raising a toddler. Who does such a thing? Where is the compassion?
When did we stop thinking outside ourselves? When did it become so "me, me MEEEE" that it's impossible to look at another human being-even a stranger- and realize that unless we live in their homes, walk in their shoes, and deal with their issues every single day, we have no idea what we're talking about, or doing, when we point our self righteous fingers and call ourselves "better"? No one is better. No one. We all got here the same way, and we will all make the same exit. Who we are inside is what counts-that's where your beauty lies- and I've seen a lot of ugly people lately, when it comes to having the heart to take a minute and just be kind. Or decent. Or even humane.
I'm not innocent here, either. I've been judgmental, I've been hateful... we all are at times. We're human. But it astounds me the lack of genuine compassion that there is anymore. We're so busy, so focused on ourselves that we don't look left or right to lend even a smile when someone is down. And that Internet? Sucks.
That sort of thinking leads me down some roads I didn't plan on taking. Confused? Join the club. I want to make a difference, I want to see change... and those things start at home. I'm getting my house in order, taking stock of choices, chances and changes. Some need to be made. Not on a whim, not for a minute... some need to be made. Starting with me. I need to look outside myself, my fears, wants, needs... some things cannot be about me. No matter how I want them to, they just can't.
I want my kids to be compassionate, respectful, and open to everything. I want them to see the world as an adventure- I want them to be excited to learn new things, meet new people, and to see "different" as something special. I want them to accept responsibillity for their actions, and to realize they can't conrtol anything but themselves. I don't want them to see labels, ever. I don't want them believing for a second that they're better than anyone- or that someone is strange because of belief, race, or who they love. Acceptance. We really are one world... why can't we teach our kids that? Different makes it interesting.
I know. A lot of rambling thoughts that may not really mesh, but they do, for me. And I hope in some ways they do for you. Who are we to say anything about anyone else? We all have our skeletons, our vices, and our pasts. Today. Today is what matters. We can't change what has been, but it's on us what will be.
Now, the question is- which way do you want to go?
5/11/09
Ya Know it's Monday...
Happy Mommy's Day to all the super moms out there. a little late (as usual) but I was with my family all weekend doing a whole lotta nothing and enjoying every minute. LOL I hope all of you were pampered and spoiled this weekend, lavished with homemade cards and stories that you will keep forever, and didn't have to lift (barely) a finger!
I have to tell you, I am so excited by one of my gifts this year- I finally got the stand mixer I've been drooling over for awhile now. I've had hand mixers, and a wooden spoon, but now that I'm baking and cooking so much more, trying new recipes, making my own as I go, this will make life sooo much simpler! And who doesn't want simpler, really? I think I'd marry the thing if I could- all twelve speeds of it. Wait.. that sounded... eh. Well. Moving on....
The mixer came with a recipe disk. This is where it gets more exciting. For me. It's filled with easy cakes, cookies, frostings, etc... and everything but the frosting starts with a cake mix. There's a how to, there are photos, and you can make your own recipe book, add your recipes, pics, etc. I'm in heaven over here with it all. And I now know how to make bunny cakes, cat cakes and sandcastle cakes. Seriously, diagrams are a must- I'm craft-impaired. I may end up with a deformed rabbit cake, but I'm planning on trying, because stuff like that is so fun to do with the kids. And then you can blame them if it looks funny... LOL!
I'm going to start taking more pictures as I do cook, and posting more- it's a promise. I'm committing to more posting, more pics and more recipes. Except my lasagna- never will I share that, it's my secret weapon. It goes up there with the rest of my arsenal, and is off limits. Everything else is up for grabs. Be forewarned, though- I'm not a gourmet chef. I'm not going to make a rack of lamb here, guys. But I can give you easy, inexpensive and very picky family friendly. And when I say picky, I'm not exaggerating- my kids are PICKY. Alyssa won't even eat pizza or peanut butter. I can't make things without sneaking things in, and I've learned that spices and seasoning are my best friends.
So, that's all. I'm rolling some ideas around in my head, and we may be looking at a more domestic not so domestic. But, I'm going to be doing it with the music blaring and a glass of wine in hand, probably with a sink full of dishes and kids running wild. So.. not too much is changing. ;)
Stay tuned... the party is just starting!
I have to tell you, I am so excited by one of my gifts this year- I finally got the stand mixer I've been drooling over for awhile now. I've had hand mixers, and a wooden spoon, but now that I'm baking and cooking so much more, trying new recipes, making my own as I go, this will make life sooo much simpler! And who doesn't want simpler, really? I think I'd marry the thing if I could- all twelve speeds of it. Wait.. that sounded... eh. Well. Moving on....
The mixer came with a recipe disk. This is where it gets more exciting. For me. It's filled with easy cakes, cookies, frostings, etc... and everything but the frosting starts with a cake mix. There's a how to, there are photos, and you can make your own recipe book, add your recipes, pics, etc. I'm in heaven over here with it all. And I now know how to make bunny cakes, cat cakes and sandcastle cakes. Seriously, diagrams are a must- I'm craft-impaired. I may end up with a deformed rabbit cake, but I'm planning on trying, because stuff like that is so fun to do with the kids. And then you can blame them if it looks funny... LOL!
I'm going to start taking more pictures as I do cook, and posting more- it's a promise. I'm committing to more posting, more pics and more recipes. Except my lasagna- never will I share that, it's my secret weapon. It goes up there with the rest of my arsenal, and is off limits. Everything else is up for grabs. Be forewarned, though- I'm not a gourmet chef. I'm not going to make a rack of lamb here, guys. But I can give you easy, inexpensive and very picky family friendly. And when I say picky, I'm not exaggerating- my kids are PICKY. Alyssa won't even eat pizza or peanut butter. I can't make things without sneaking things in, and I've learned that spices and seasoning are my best friends.
So, that's all. I'm rolling some ideas around in my head, and we may be looking at a more domestic not so domestic. But, I'm going to be doing it with the music blaring and a glass of wine in hand, probably with a sink full of dishes and kids running wild. So.. not too much is changing. ;)
Stay tuned... the party is just starting!
5/7/09
And Then, Her Head Exploded
I sometimes sit back and listen to the kids talk, and wonder how it's possible for things to change so much in, what seems to me, so little time. And then I wonder- has it changed that much, or are you just seeing it that way because you're the parent now, and the things you know are a lot different that the things you knew when you were their age? Personally, I think it's a little of both. Times have changed, definitely, but now it's my time to worry and wonder, to plan and prepare so they're happy, healthy, safe... because they won't worry about those things. At least, they shouldn't.
I do think I'm more open with mine, in a lot of ways, than my mother was with me. Nothing is taboo, they can ask me anything, and ooooh, do they. LOL And honestly? I'd rather be the one answering with age appropriate responses than have the kid at school, or on the bus, or down the street, explaining things that are either extremely inaccurate, or right on, but REALLY inappropriate and scary (to me, LOL).
We covered the first "boyfriend" issue when Alyssa announced she was dating someone. And of course, dramatically broke up a couple days later. I love it, though... dating? Really? You're nine. But I remember how serious it was for me at that age... because everything is SO over the top make or break at that age. It's all drama, all the time, raising a girl, it seems. I don't remember being so... moody? Mouthy? Know it all? In charge? Secure? In touch with exactly who I was and how it would be? I admire her so much, when I'm not wanting to tape her mouth shut. :) We're growing in a new direction, my girl and I. She's gotten to a stage, already, where you can watch what she does and just see, so clearly, the woman she's going to be. And oh, man, what a woman she'll be. Strong, smart, independent, and ... every single thing I'm not, combined with some of the best of who I am. She takes no shit, and can give it back twice as hard. She has her course charted without even realizing, without even trying. She's NINE. It's humbling, to think that somehow, some way, she's become this wonderful person, in part because of me. And I'm thankful that Taylor has such an absolutely amazing sister to look up to and learn from. And even more so that their bond is already beyond unbreakable.
At the same time, I'm also getting the idea of the teenage years. Um, no thanks? Can we pass on it, because oh my God she's a terror already when she wants to be. She's stubborn and snappy, already has "oh my GOD!", eye rolls, sighing, stomping and slamming aced, and we haven't even touched on the want of the coveted cell phone. No, no and again, after almost six months of hounding, NO. I'm not one of those moms who thinks every kid needs a cell phone. If she walked to or from school, if she did any activity that I wasn't either at with her, or didn't give MY number to any and all people in charge? Yes. If she had a condition, if she was home alone, if I worked... there are a million good reasons for some kids to have cell phones. Mine does not have a good reason, other than "I want one."
I think they want too much too soon, which is typical, and I'm glad for it. But, being the adult, I now understand that they want too much without knowing or comprehending the dangers that can come with having it all too soon. Because not everyone is a good person. Not everything is safe to do. Not everything is as easy as you think. And some of that will come slowly, with time, while some of it will hit like a freight train, and as much as I want to shield them, I can't. Not from all of it. But, it will make them, shape them, change them... and they'll need that, too, whether they believe it or not.
Speaking of "need"? Remember the pregnant cat I posted about? Yeah. She stopped coming around for awhile, and then came back around, no longer pregnant. I assumed she'd had the babies, and was hiding them somewhere, and didn't shoo her from the food we keep on the porches (our cats go and and out, so there is always food/water available). I figured she'd need the nourishment to feed the kittens, had they survived.
They did. As far as I know, she had 3 or 4. Two of them? Are now residing in Taylor's old playpen, in dining/kitchen area. I know, I KNOW, believe me I know. But what can you do? They fit in the palm of my hand, were sitting out there, and meowed soooo pitifully. And I'm a sucker. They're the oddest color combos, too- black, gray, reddish tiger striped with one obviousy leaning toward calico. Adorable. And I'm a sucker. :) One of them has little white paws (Lyss named her Kali- short for "calico" but different,LOL) and is timid and follows the other one's lead. The other one... is bad. And of course, the one I like best. LOL But, they are both healthy and playful, eating solids, surprisingly, and shunning milk or mushy food. And I? Am a sucker.
It's time to gear up for another IEP meeting. I don't even really have anything for you on this right now only it's almost that time again, and my wants for him still stand firm. He needs to be challenged, to know there are consequences for every action, and you need to choose those actions wisely, and he needs to be with children his own age. Why? Because Jake imitates. He mimics the children around him a LOT, and if he is with his peers, his age group, he will fall in line with what they're doing, how they interact and play. If he is with a special ed group of kids varying in age, he'll mimc their behaviors. That's not a positive, and it regresses him, behaviorally and academically. He needs integrated. Period.
Taylor is talking. Sort of. She's now saying "kitty" and "car", "yeah", "yay" and "hey"- which is usually said like this "heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey!" at the top of her lungs. All these words in a span of three days! To add to the rest of her vocabulary. She has also realized that Mom means business and Dad will usually let her get away with just about everything. Typical. She's growing so FAST. Still cutting teeth, but now wearing ponytails and getting bruises and scrapes on her knees and making me gasp a hundred times a day- in fear, usually, as she attempts a stunt that I just KNOW will injure her. LOL
There's not much else happening, just a lot of watching them grow and wondering what's up ahead. It's comforting, seeing them making good choices and growing with a firm sense of who they are and what they're made of. But it's also comforting when I'm the one they still come to for the hurts, the curiosity and everything in between. I hope that never changes. That is something, maybe the one thing, worth anything else.
I do think I'm more open with mine, in a lot of ways, than my mother was with me. Nothing is taboo, they can ask me anything, and ooooh, do they. LOL And honestly? I'd rather be the one answering with age appropriate responses than have the kid at school, or on the bus, or down the street, explaining things that are either extremely inaccurate, or right on, but REALLY inappropriate and scary (to me, LOL).
We covered the first "boyfriend" issue when Alyssa announced she was dating someone. And of course, dramatically broke up a couple days later. I love it, though... dating? Really? You're nine. But I remember how serious it was for me at that age... because everything is SO over the top make or break at that age. It's all drama, all the time, raising a girl, it seems. I don't remember being so... moody? Mouthy? Know it all? In charge? Secure? In touch with exactly who I was and how it would be? I admire her so much, when I'm not wanting to tape her mouth shut. :) We're growing in a new direction, my girl and I. She's gotten to a stage, already, where you can watch what she does and just see, so clearly, the woman she's going to be. And oh, man, what a woman she'll be. Strong, smart, independent, and ... every single thing I'm not, combined with some of the best of who I am. She takes no shit, and can give it back twice as hard. She has her course charted without even realizing, without even trying. She's NINE. It's humbling, to think that somehow, some way, she's become this wonderful person, in part because of me. And I'm thankful that Taylor has such an absolutely amazing sister to look up to and learn from. And even more so that their bond is already beyond unbreakable.
At the same time, I'm also getting the idea of the teenage years. Um, no thanks? Can we pass on it, because oh my God she's a terror already when she wants to be. She's stubborn and snappy, already has "oh my GOD!", eye rolls, sighing, stomping and slamming aced, and we haven't even touched on the want of the coveted cell phone. No, no and again, after almost six months of hounding, NO. I'm not one of those moms who thinks every kid needs a cell phone. If she walked to or from school, if she did any activity that I wasn't either at with her, or didn't give MY number to any and all people in charge? Yes. If she had a condition, if she was home alone, if I worked... there are a million good reasons for some kids to have cell phones. Mine does not have a good reason, other than "I want one."
I think they want too much too soon, which is typical, and I'm glad for it. But, being the adult, I now understand that they want too much without knowing or comprehending the dangers that can come with having it all too soon. Because not everyone is a good person. Not everything is safe to do. Not everything is as easy as you think. And some of that will come slowly, with time, while some of it will hit like a freight train, and as much as I want to shield them, I can't. Not from all of it. But, it will make them, shape them, change them... and they'll need that, too, whether they believe it or not.
Speaking of "need"? Remember the pregnant cat I posted about? Yeah. She stopped coming around for awhile, and then came back around, no longer pregnant. I assumed she'd had the babies, and was hiding them somewhere, and didn't shoo her from the food we keep on the porches (our cats go and and out, so there is always food/water available). I figured she'd need the nourishment to feed the kittens, had they survived.
They did. As far as I know, she had 3 or 4. Two of them? Are now residing in Taylor's old playpen, in dining/kitchen area. I know, I KNOW, believe me I know. But what can you do? They fit in the palm of my hand, were sitting out there, and meowed soooo pitifully. And I'm a sucker. They're the oddest color combos, too- black, gray, reddish tiger striped with one obviousy leaning toward calico. Adorable. And I'm a sucker. :) One of them has little white paws (Lyss named her Kali- short for "calico" but different,LOL) and is timid and follows the other one's lead. The other one... is bad. And of course, the one I like best. LOL But, they are both healthy and playful, eating solids, surprisingly, and shunning milk or mushy food. And I? Am a sucker.
It's time to gear up for another IEP meeting. I don't even really have anything for you on this right now only it's almost that time again, and my wants for him still stand firm. He needs to be challenged, to know there are consequences for every action, and you need to choose those actions wisely, and he needs to be with children his own age. Why? Because Jake imitates. He mimics the children around him a LOT, and if he is with his peers, his age group, he will fall in line with what they're doing, how they interact and play. If he is with a special ed group of kids varying in age, he'll mimc their behaviors. That's not a positive, and it regresses him, behaviorally and academically. He needs integrated. Period.
Taylor is talking. Sort of. She's now saying "kitty" and "car", "yeah", "yay" and "hey"- which is usually said like this "heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey!" at the top of her lungs. All these words in a span of three days! To add to the rest of her vocabulary. She has also realized that Mom means business and Dad will usually let her get away with just about everything. Typical. She's growing so FAST. Still cutting teeth, but now wearing ponytails and getting bruises and scrapes on her knees and making me gasp a hundred times a day- in fear, usually, as she attempts a stunt that I just KNOW will injure her. LOL
There's not much else happening, just a lot of watching them grow and wondering what's up ahead. It's comforting, seeing them making good choices and growing with a firm sense of who they are and what they're made of. But it's also comforting when I'm the one they still come to for the hurts, the curiosity and everything in between. I hope that never changes. That is something, maybe the one thing, worth anything else.
4/22/09
Fast, Cheap,Easy School Night Supper
I've seen this recipe around in various forms and have just now gotten around to trying it. It was super quick to throw together, even easier to change around and make it my own, and smells super yummy cooking in the oven! I'll definitely let you know how it turns out, but I'm betting this will be a kid (and Mom) favorite from now on.
Cheeseburger Bake
4 boxes mac and cheese- yep, with the powder cheese
1-1/2 lbs ground round
1 small can tomato soup
Seasonings:
salt
pepper
Lawry's
onion powder
garlic salt
Brown meat in sauce pan, adding seasonings to taste. While your hamburg is getting happy, make mac and cheese according to box directions. Drain grease from meat, add to mac and cheese. Add tomato soup, salt, pepper and onion powder. Mix well, toss it all in a large casserole dish. Bake for 30-40 mins in a 350 degree oven. Voila! There's your supper, without a lot of hassle.. and what kid doesn't love cheeseburgers?
Cheeseburger Bake
4 boxes mac and cheese- yep, with the powder cheese
1-1/2 lbs ground round
1 small can tomato soup
Seasonings:
salt
pepper
Lawry's
onion powder
garlic salt
Brown meat in sauce pan, adding seasonings to taste. While your hamburg is getting happy, make mac and cheese according to box directions. Drain grease from meat, add to mac and cheese. Add tomato soup, salt, pepper and onion powder. Mix well, toss it all in a large casserole dish. Bake for 30-40 mins in a 350 degree oven. Voila! There's your supper, without a lot of hassle.. and what kid doesn't love cheeseburgers?
4/20/09
A Spring In Her Step
**Apologies to everyone getting this via mail- the first one published a blank post**
What is UP, Internet? I feel good, for the first time in almost three weeks. No chills or fever, no congestion, and almost no cough. I'd almost forgotten what it felt like to feel... good. My energy levels are climbing, I feel like doing something other than hovering under a blanket with a cup of tea , tissues and Vicks. Love it! Apparently, whooping cough is going around here (just heard this today) and it sounds eerily similar to what I was going through. Scary stuff, that!
There has been a lot of cooking here at Casa Diva lately. Recipes, recipes... I know, I know. But I'm SO paranoid about my stuff I honestly believe I'll post something and get a million replies along the lines of "That sucked!" or "OMG how awful!" Or "Boring!" Yeah, need to work on that whole not giving a crap thing. :)
Anyway, just wanted to give a little hug to everyone, since I'm feeling a1,00o times better in every way right now. Spring is in the air, things are slowing, possibly, to a semi normal pace, and I feel like I can breathe again. Literally. Without coughing up a lung. Life, Internet, is good.
What is UP, Internet? I feel good, for the first time in almost three weeks. No chills or fever, no congestion, and almost no cough. I'd almost forgotten what it felt like to feel... good. My energy levels are climbing, I feel like doing something other than hovering under a blanket with a cup of tea , tissues and Vicks. Love it! Apparently, whooping cough is going around here (just heard this today) and it sounds eerily similar to what I was going through. Scary stuff, that!
There has been a lot of cooking here at Casa Diva lately. Recipes, recipes... I know, I know. But I'm SO paranoid about my stuff I honestly believe I'll post something and get a million replies along the lines of "That sucked!" or "OMG how awful!" Or "Boring!" Yeah, need to work on that whole not giving a crap thing. :)
Anyway, just wanted to give a little hug to everyone, since I'm feeling a1,00o times better in every way right now. Spring is in the air, things are slowing, possibly, to a semi normal pace, and I feel like I can breathe again. Literally. Without coughing up a lung. Life, Internet, is good.
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