New, Not Borrowed, and Not too Blue ;)

I have something for you, the... five... six?... people who come here. I am making you a playlist. To know me, you have to KNOW me. And I warn you- I am a contradiction on every front, which some of you know, and some of you need to know, if you want to "GET IT". Isn't that everyone's deal? "GETTING IT"? Whatever "IT" is? So, I'll let you in on the deep, dark secrets, piece by piece, song by song, thought by thought, as we go. It may be offensive- my tunes are not censored, and some are absolutely not kid friendly. Same as my thoughts :) Same as some pieces of me. But to really have the inner workings of the mismatched, up and down, back and forths of me, it is what it is. I don't listen to, read, watch, take part in, anything that doesn't speak to me on some level. and it's deep, if you look past the damns, hells and others that make up some of it. If you don't, if it offends... well, I'm not you. You aren't me. And maybe you aren't meant to piece my story together. I am open minded and liberal to the point of painting a damn rainbow on my walls to prove a point. i believe in love and freedom and have no tolerance for pushing belief, and am good with what I know and have faith in regarding my relationship with God. He loves everyone, you know? He made us all, after all. But I digress- shockingly, LOL. So, for now, where words are truly failing (and focusing on new novels) I give you this instead....

Waiting for It?

No essays or writing experiments this time- sorry. It's all me this time, folks, since attempting to go about my business and live my life is just.. never.. good enough. So, by popular demand, I'd say the bitch is back. Miss me?

I'm tired of explaining myself. Explaining, finding justification for, life. It is what it is, and that's honestly the best way to describe anyone's life. I'm tired of worrying what repercussions will come from making memories and sharing them with my friends and family- because there is one, every time. I'm tired of taking shit and keeping my mouth shut- whatever life is, it isn't a game. Mine isn't anyway, and my kids' lives aren't either. I'm tired of it being ok for everyone else in the free world to do and say whatever they want- to stick their nose in, stir the pot or nudge someone else to... and there isn't supposed to be anything coming from it? Especially when keeping my mouth shut and being uninvolved with dramatics is apparently not good enough, because then it has to increase, or change course. But, if I really think about it, I don't have to say a lot. I really don't- it isn't as if I'm fighting the tide. No one is blind... or at least, not anymore. The last couple of months have opened a lot of eyes, and not from being angered or stressed, or having something to prove... you see a lot when you pay attention.

Now it's time to deal with this idiot school, again. Because of drama, because of stress, because of things I've sat back and been quiet about, things I've attempted to let “run their course”- well, it has run its' course. The fact that I'm having to go rounds again with the same people who were so bound and determined to isolate my kid last year... I'm done with this. No one isolates or upsets my kids. You aren't messing with their minds, their emotions, their balance. It just isn't happening- not while I'm steering the ship. And you can call me a bitch, you can think what you want to- it really doesn't matter. Yep, I'm horrendous. We are just awful! We're so horrible that our kids are well mannered, well liked and praised everywhere they go. Our two older kids are on the honor roll and mostly enjoy school. They are friendly, personable and the only issues we have ever had stem from our son's behaviors and patterns due to his autism. My oldest daughter is a teacher's helper, and has never been even reprimanded in school- when it comes time for conferences, I get a note, every time, stating she is doing so well I don't need to come in. They have friends, they have family who love and appreciate them. Our toddler is bright, engaging and right on schedule. She's friendly, outgoing, and thinks that everyone is her friend- because everyone she is surrounded with, in her daily life, is a friend to her. They get in trouble and lose their privileges like any other kid.. they're kids, after all. They fight and cry, yell, scream, run their mouths and there are days when I can't wait for bedtime. We have the typical issues- cleaning up after themselves, no it doesn't matter how many times he/she looked at you, you can't punch him/her. It's typical. Life in this house is messy, loud, chaotic and at times insane. Hell, I'm messy,loud, chaotic and at times insane- I'm a mother. It's part of our job to be all those things- if we didn't learn to bend, as well as learn as we go, we'd mess it up even more than we're bound to already. We make mistakes with them, and we learn from it. But the important part is we teach them- we give them the cushion they need to know that when they fall, however they fall, their mother is standing right there with them. I won't always agree with them, but I will support them. To do any less... what's the point of having a child if that, too, is conditional?

You know how I spend my day? In between apparently pissing people off and being so awful I mean? Tell me if it sounds familiar to any of you. My day never really “begins” because, as a parent, your days never really “end.” Putting them to bed doesn't mean it's over- there are bathroom trips, drinks, nightmares, upset stomachs.. you name it, it happens. Usually in the middle of the night. I think it's possible only after midnight for a child to actually get hit with a bug- they feel fine all day, go to bed and then WHAM! So you sleep with one ear open, always. And, as someone who “doesn't work”, I sure do sit around on my ass a lot- in between doing the laundry, getting snacks and meals, cleaning up after animals and a two year old all day, then three kids and the same animals at night. It's housework, homework, wrangling them for showers, backpacks, finding toys, dirty socks... I am the chef, the waitress, the maid. I'm the doctor, the surgeon for injured toys as well as children. I'm the judge, the defense attorney, prosecution and jury at the same time. I'm the referee, the counsel, the conscience. I'm their audience, the co-star, the dress up buddy. Back up dancer, bubble blower, boo boo kisser. I'm the entire staff here, because of the hours he keeps. I have so much extra time on my hands, obviously. My day “ends” before eleven PM and I consider it a good day. And that's the norm- that's not meetings and issues, emails, phone calls, family, friends. I'm the plan maker, activities coordinator, bag packer, diaper changer, potty trainer. I am their Mother. I do my job. How I do it is obviously working- my kids are a perfect example of doing something right. And if they defend themselves against someone and that's an issue- they are a lot like their parents. They don't go out of their way to start anything- but they sure can finish it can't they?

I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being questioned, challenged, f'd with. And here it is, in plain English, black and white- I don't give a damn what the issue is, what he said, she said, so and so thinks, wants and feels. You don't live in this house, you don't pay these bills. You don't raise these kids, or share in this marriage, or this life in that way. Back off. Schools, people, phone calls, letters, drama, bullshit. It's not happening- I'm not putting them through any more shit, any more games. I have a kind heart, not a gullible one. There's a difference. And I'm done. I'm tired of getting slapped every time that other cheek is turned. Some things are changing, and some are staying exactly as they are. That's the beginning and end of it. All I'm trying to do is live my life with my family, with happiness and joy and memories they deserve- I suggest everyone else do the same..

No Apologies

I'm going to apologize one time for those that I may offend or upset with the things I say, and that's all.** I've done that enough, apologized or kept quiet. I've put my thoughts and feelings behind everyone else, I've attempted to keep from rocking the boat, upsetting the masses... and you know what? It makes me miserable. Because while I'm biting my tongue, you see it as acceptance. You see it as me being ok with however people speak to me, treat me, talk about me. You see it as ok that I'm there emotionally for whoever needs me when they need me, and when it's my turn, I'm handling it on my own.

I don't ask for help. But I learned a long time ago that the people who expect me to drop everything for them are usually not willing to do the same for me. So I bite my tongue, handle my own, and am just a little less inclined to be there the next time.

I think I must seem very unassuming. I seem accepting, almost a doormat, in the way I have lived my life. The last couple of months have shown me a lot about people, and most of it isn't surprising, but it's still hurtful just the same. I seem to be one of the few who just have to “suck it up”, “get over it”, and continue to put myself after everyone else, whatever situation arises. And there's something you seem to forget- I really don't have to. That's the beauty of it- you don't have to, and nine times out of ten, I wouldn't ask you to. I would never ask anyone to put themselves in the midst of something where they would be uncomfortable, or be treated badly and pretend that's it's ok and time to forget it. It doesn't work that way for you, so why does it work that way for me?

My life, needs, wants and feelings are no less than anyone else's. To behave as if they are is pretty selfish, I think.. and it's just not the way I'm doing things anymore. I don't want my kids growing up thinking it's ok for people to treat them like they are less than, that they are unimportant, or have to put up with being jerked around at someone's whim. Doesn't work that way. And when I see my daughter upset, or confused as to why she's been treated a certain way, it reminds me she is a lot more like me than it seems sometimes. And I want her to view it differently than I did. I don't want her to be the kid who gets called or hung out with when there's nothing else to do- that starts the ball rolling that gives people the permission to use you, put you on a shelf and take you down again when you have something to offer, or something they can use you for. She is second to no one, she has no reason to feel as if she needs to strive for acceptance... and therein lies the straw that didn't just break the camel's back, it put him in a coma.

I think I'm tired of waiting. There's always another shoe, another jerk, another hurt. That's life, even on the best days. But when you get so accustomed to the other shoe that you spend at least half your time waiting for it, then going quietly with whatever comes from it, it begins to build. Then it just keeps building, festering, until you explode. Until you are so consumed with everything and everyone else that all you feel is exhausted. You have your emotions invested in everyone's hurts, issues and angers... and your own are sitting there, waiting, just like you do.

I'm tired of being that person. I'm tired of feeling like I am here to appease everyone, to be spoken to and treated however people choose, and have no opinion. I'm tired of my children seeing the fallout, or paying for other people's mistakes and that being ok too. It's not, it never was, and it will never be ok for them to pay for anything. When that starts, everything else comes to a screeching halt.

It's time to push the envelope. I'm not waiting anymore. I'm not appeasing anymore. I'm not spending my time, emotion or energy on anyone who doesn't do the same for me. I'm not sucking it up, I'm not being treated badly and pretending I don't think you're an asshole, just to make it easy on everyone else. While I'm busy doing that, who is making it easy on me?

My children are my life, and they come first. They won't ever be set aside to appease. I won't apologize for this life, and I won't be made to feel as if I should. I won't apologize for my thoughts, or feelings. I'm going to challenge myself, every day, to stop talking and start walking. Actions speak a thousand times louder than words, and God knows when I speak, it goes unheard. It's ok for you to talk, to say whatever you want so it's ok for me too. I'm just as free as everyone else, and it's time I realize that, and time you realize that as well. I'm done telling you what you want to hear, putting on my game face and wondering the entire time why the hell I'm wasting my time. I owe it to my kids, to myself, to put my money where my mouth is, and teach them that they don't ever have to accept or settle for being anyone's settled for, in any situation. They never have been, why start now?

Today I will practice what I preach, I will let my actions speak louder, and I think it's going to be a challenge- but I have never walked away from one yet, have I? I've fought through more than one “impossible” situation, and I always come out swinging. I do a lot of it internally, but it gets done. I don't need a standing ovation for doing what I need to do- though an occasional acknowledgment would be nice.

One thing I have learned in life, for certain, is that you have to stand up. Anyone can sit by, and let it all pass along... but what for? Stand up and never back down from what you know to be true, what you know is right. Sure, you'll piss some people off, maybe lose a few “friends”... but if they were really your friends, you wouldn't have to worry about it in the first place, would you?

So, I'm going to stand. My legs may be a little wobbly, my back

bone a little out of practice. But it's time to stop waiting, and start doing. Stop holding out for when it gets easier, and start pushing the obstacles out of the way. The way I'm feeling right now is pretty cut and dry, and pretty simple- When it comes to my life, you are either in it, or in my way.

**This is what comes of bottling it up. There have been several situations lately that have popped up and several times I've bitten my tongue or sat on my hands so as not to say or type things I actually do mean, but would have said in ways I didn't mean them. So.. no more. And that's all I have to say on it at this point- No. More.

It's Not Different, Mmmkay?

We've covered a few bases here on music. By a few I mean a vague mention of the music we listen to around here, and then the few (several) posts about those Boston boys I have a little like for (yeah, yeah, it's a sickness, k? thanks) But we've never really talked about the fact that while I may have a slight obsession with those guys, I have a complete obsession for music. Always have.

I love music. I firmly believe music really is the soundtrack of life. I think I've mentioned that before, but it bears repeating. I can go back through all my memories and there's usually music revolving around every moment in my life. Certain songs bring certain things back, no matter where I am when i hear it, no matter what's going on. And that suits me.

I'm not a music snob- I like everything. I'm a lyrics girl at heart, though, for the most part, which explains my dislike for screaming metal- if I can't understand you, I'm not getting it. I love country music, especially Reba. I love a good love song, but i also like the ass kicking, I'm done with your crap stuff too. I'm a rap junkie, too. And yeah, I do like Eminem (it's had a bunch of hits, thanks so much) because angry stuff aside, these guys have something to say. I like when someone writes their own stuff and puts it out there. doesn't matter if it sells a million or five hundred- it's not written to make money. It's written by someone who has something to say.

So, I'm a music person. I love it, I have it on almost 24-7. That said, I'll plunge into the murky water where I may get some hate mail. But, it'll be worth it. Just to get it off my chest. Ready? Here we go:

I hate Britney Spears. It isn't because of her lifestyle, choices, mistakes, whatever- people have ups and downs, and I'm not here to judge. Plus, there are plenty of days where I'd like to beat the hell out of someone or something with an inanimate object. It's not her personally that irks me (but the way people sniff at her for every detail is a little old). It's because of the "music"... and sweet Jesus, I use that term very, very, VERY loosely.

Let's take stock- very pretty girl, in shape, sweet personality, just wants to be allowed to be herself without all the weird shit. Talented- she can dance, and her own voice isn't too bad- when we're allowed to hear it. All that shit they use for effect these days is annoying beyond belief. I don't want to hear some amped up/distorted/echo shit on someone's voice. I want to hear them. Maybe I'm getting old, but that's just weird to me. and a pain in the ass. But, especially with Britney, it's all worked over, all canned, tinny sounding. Fake, in other words. Using that shit makes it sound fake.

Then there's the annoying, icepick sound of the music in general. Her first album was cute, poppy and fun. Yeah, I had it. So sue me, k? It was a year of pop and I went a little crazy. But, it seemed each album became less about Britney singing and more about Britney NOT singing, and being half naked. Yeah yeah sex sells. But, hello? Britney is young. And back then, she was REALLY young. But, nevertheless, there she was with little left to the imagination. Dancing, lipsynching and all that shit.

Then there was a break, when she had her issues and went a little nuts. But now... now she's back. With Womanizer. Which I hear at least nine hundred times a day on various radio stations and on my XM channels. And then, I hear it in my head. It's repetitive. It's not like hearing a real voice at all... every time I hear it, I feel like I'm listening to a damn robot sing.

It's not good music. I don't care how much it sells, how much people are clamoring for it. It's almost like a circus of really bad shit. But, to each their own. You may love it, she may be just your cup of tea.. and that's great. Me? I don't get why people sell out like that. She's the proverbial dumb acting girl with her boobs hanging out hoping the big strong man will take care of it all. And then "singing" about it. Bleecccch.

So, nope, I don't think she's "different", or "fun", or "edgy". I think she's going to be sorry when her looks start going and she has nothing to fall back on. Look at the women singers today- they're gorgeous, sure. Great bodies, absolutely. But they can also sing. Without all the bells and whistles. Now that? THAT's where Britney is different.

Proving My Point

Dear Principal of Elementary School My Son Currently Attends,

Thank you so much for taking the time this morning to prove me right about you, your school, and the horrible situation my child has endured since he stepped foot into your building. He has been assaulted by another student, falsely accused of sexual behavior when it was actually another child (who, by the way, got punched in the junk by my kid twice because he didn't like the other kid feeling him up... never did do anything about that, huh?) , verbally, emotionally and physically abused by a teacher (the same one who refused to send home forms regarding his medical records and lunch choice- my kid almost didn't get to eat) who is the ONLY person in the entire history of Jake's school career (including the aides in her room all day, every day) who has ever seen or heard things "sexual" or "inappropriate" from my child.

Yesterday, I spoke to Jake's caseworker, who observed him in his new classes at your school. She got glowing reviews about his academic performance (he's doing 2nd grade math), and glowing reports about his behavior. He is a "typical kindergartner" when it comes to behavior, and these same teacher expressed confusion over the "behaviors" he was supposedly exhibiting in another class. Things they were looking for? Have never materialized. He is bright, he is a joy, he is a wonderful child. His IEP is not being followed, but requests have been made, by his aide, on his behalf for the therapy he is not recieving... even though you claim you follow IEPS to the letter. Of course you do, since it's the law, and you are such an honest individual.

I appreciate you taking the time to corner J this morning when he dropped Jake off at school. To tell him of Jake's behavior issues. since he stuck his tongue out someone yesterday. To offer to call the teacher you wouldn't give a name) to your office to tell "her side of the story". I also appreciate your feeling that he isn't getting his needs met in his current class setting, and needs to be moved back to his original classroom. You know, since the whole shaking, jerking thing never happened. Same for the screaming in his face. So he can go back... fantastic plan! Obviously nothing happened, since it had to be set up to make that teacher turn and go in an opposite direction if she and Jake were in the same location, because of his obvious fear and worry. Same for keeping her away from the bus at the end of the day....obviously he's a liar, because he was suddenly afraid to go to the bus. Same for the vomiting, wetting his pants and his bed, the crying and rages, and the sudden on set of panic attacks. It's quite obvious that nothing negative happened while in this bitch.. er, teacher's... care.

I also appreciate you telling J how manipulative Jake is, how much trouble he has with his work, how he doesn't want to do it (he works very well with small breaks to recharge, he's at his level and above academically, and he loves to do classwork according to his teachers???). I think it's wonderful for you to take the time to first state he needs to be in special education full time, because of his issues.. and then when corrected and told of the conversation with his caseworker, state that he needs to be in regular kindergarten, without an aide.... in a different school. The school we've wanted to move him to since the first week of school... remember, when you were so concerned about his tooth being busted that you never looked into it?

It went over very well when you brought up the "unfortunate" mistaken identity incident and attempted to apologize for it. After calling my child a liar and a manipulator. I wonder how it felt when J told you that there was absolutely no circumstance when Jake would be anywhere near (insert abusive shrew of teacher's name here) again. Non negotiable. Apparently, it went well enough that you suggested he move schools.

So, I wanted to thank you for taking the time to prove everything I have stated since working with you and your school. You are untrustworthy, you are an ass covering liar who does not have anyone's best interest at heart but making yourself look good. You never have cared about my child's education or his physical, emotional, or academic well being while in your building. Your motives were crystal clear this morning- he either goes back to the classroom where he was frightened and not progressing, or he leaves your building.

I believe this states without a doubt that you want him to fail- have set him up to fail. It must chap your ass that this has been avoided at every turn- because I won't allow it to happen. Let's move him, then.. we all want that. Even Jake, who has begged not to have to come back to your school. Daily.

We will have our IEP meeting. I will make very specific notes to be added. He WILL move schools. And then, we will never have to deal with one another again, in a school setting (insert evil smile)

I know I am repeating myself, but I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your actions this morning. It proves so much to me, as well as his advocates. Especially since I warned them that setting up an IEP, or going to observe him would cause him problems. every time, something negative has happened. And what did you do? Reacted as I knew you would- thank you for being so consistent!!

I hope you are happy with the way you have treated each of these incidents, and can justify them to others, as well as yourself. You'll have to forgive me if as I leave your building with my son for the last time, I stick out my tongue.

After all, the kid must get his issues from someone, right?

Reality Bites

Sometimes, when things don't go as planned, it really is a kick in the guts. Even when you were expecting it, you still hold out hope that sometimes, someone will simply do the right thing. Not the political thing, or the whatever the bigger guy wants.. but just the right thing. Hell, I wonder if anyone even knows what that is anymore.

We're planning a new IEP meeting for Jake. For those in the dark, IEP stands for Individualized Education Program. It's a tool used for kids with a variety of needs, physical as well as emotional, to ensure their needs are met in school. Jake's needs an update (or just followed, really) so that's what we're doing. I'm calling for the meeting, not the school. there are areas in the IEP that need erased as well as those that simply need revamped a little (like the supervision in line thing that no one did for the two weeks after it was written in... ). To NOT follow an IEP is breaking a written legal agreement. But at this point I think they could throw Jake under the school bus, with a hundred witnesses, and it wouldn't be their fault.

I've been told i need to open better lines of communication with the school. Tell me how to do that when no one returns phone calls, shows up at set meetings, or even bothers to follow the written words of former meetings? I do not trust the school. I do not trust the district. I do not feel comfortable calling there, when nothing is ever done as it is scheduled to be.

But, I'm going to do what I need to... what that is, I'm still learning. There are a lot of laws I was unaware of, a lot of ways to advocate with a smile on your face and a knife behind your back... ya know, like this school district does. Bitter much? At this point, yes.

Did you know that the incident where Jake was shaken has been written off as a personality conflict?? Really?? does that mean i can grab anyone I dislike by their collar, jerk them toward me, shake them and scream at them? And then slap them on the side of their legs? Because, if that's what it means, I have a LOT of catching up to do!!

I'm irate. again. Can you tell? But I'm tired. So damn tired of my days, weeks, etc., being consumed by phine calls trying to force people to step up and do what's right. He is not even GETTING his education- he's sitting at a table, spereate from his peers, coloring fucking pumpkin pictures.

My next move? the IEP meeting. Sending a written request for his complete records- and possibly requesting to have things removed. Like the lies in his IEP. Yeah, let them think they've backed me into a corner, tired me out, gotten their way.

I'm not going away. How many times do I have to prove myself to people? I don't have to "suck it up", or "get over it". This isn't a power struggle, or a game. This is a child's life. So, yeah... that whole backing off thing? Screw them.

It's prmoising to be a busy week- stick around.

Back To Reality

I hate Mondays. Not saying anything that you've never heard before, I'm sure. But this Monday especially? Was slam back into reality. I feel that we are preparing for the biggest hurdle yet (and we've had our share of biggies, believe me), and I hate that this is happening. I hate that Jake is going through this, that he has to keep going through this.

We go later in the week so he can be formally interviewed, with recordings, because the report I filed has been accepted and is being investigated. If he were to return to school, this teacher is not allowed to be with him unsupervised at any time. He is not returning- there's been too much damage done now, and he is too afraid. A caseworker from CS came to the house today, to talk with him, and he was too scared to share anything with her. Because his teacher would hurt him. His words. I got him to talk about it again with me, before she came, to ease him into talking freely about it. When he realized he would have to talk about it with someone else, he panicked. He was crying, running, trying to hide. He didn't want to tell, because (insert name here) will be bad to him, she's bad to him. He was in full melt down mode for almost half an hour.

I am heartsick. This could explain his anxiety of late, the whining and crying that he couldn't explain. And I've been sending him into that situation, daily. He's confused, afraid, worried... he wants to go to school. He doesn't want to leave the house. He wants his friends. He does not want to see her. He thinks it is his fault, that he did something wrong and is being punished. And making him understand is almost impossible.

I want this woman in the worst way, and I hate feeling like that. I hate this boiling anger that I'm carrying inside of me now. I am almost sick with the rage that I have- but that's normal, considering what Jake's going through and been through. I want to know why, though, and I doubt that's an answer we'll get. I think it's because of a lot of things- most importantly being the fact that I didn't drop it when push came to shove. How could I though? He's my child. And when it comes to my kids? I will never drop it, whatever "it" happens to be at the moment.

The thought of all of it makes me physically ill. I feel like I enabled someone to mistreat him, to lie on him, to bully him, to scare him. To possibly have hurt him. Scar him. And most of all, confuse him. Because he doesn't get it. He sees a person of authority shouting at him, and then he isn't back in school. He figures it's his fault. And that alone- some of the things he has said- makes me wonder exactly what goes on in there. Special needs kids are easy victims- they trust and believe people very easily. Or aren't believed when they speak up. Think about it- if it comes down to he said/she said, you have a teacher who is trained to work with special needs.... and an autistic, bi-polar six year old. How easy would it be to brush off his stories as fantasy? As imagination? And those are words this teacher has used on every occasion I've been around her- about every kid she's dealing with. Play acting, imaginative, story tellers, little actors, liars... as if they are totally unbelievable. Maybe she counts on those seeds she plants. I'm willing to bet that she does.

And I'm not saying he hasn't had some fantastic tales- but those are very obvious. And like I've said before- when he is lying, you can tell. He skips from moment to moment, story to story, and simply cannot remember what he's said or not said. When he tells you something over and over again? He's telling you the truth. He wouldn't remember otherwise.

I want this to go away. For him. For all of us, to get back into some normalcy, some routine. But I am willing to risk every piece of "normal" to prove that I will never stop, when it comes to my children. I will continue to fight for him, any of them, every second of every day, until their world is right again.

Because that fear in his eyes? Kills me. It sickens me, angers me, tears at my heart in a way that nothing ever has before. His confusion, his worry, his behavior changes? Are keeping me moving, searching, learning every angle on this sort of situation. I'm looking into every possible step that can be taken to make sure this never, ever happens again. To him, or to anyone else.

Because I can guarantee two things. Jake is not the first kid she's done this to- there's just no way. He will, however, be the last. I'm going to make sure of that.

3:27

Don't ask what that title means- it's sort of a joke. And sort of not. Heh.

Not going to be time for an in depth TV post tonight, because I'm starting to seriously freak out about tomorrow. BUT, I will tell you this- the TV thing is gonna be awhile coming after the concert, and when it comes, it'll be in parts. Why? Because i have a DVR I'm madly in love with, and it records more than enough for me to be a couch potato when I grab an hour or so to plop. So, be ready to hear about (in no specific order)- Bones, Law and Order: SVU, Eli Stone, 90210, Fringe, Life, Ghost Hunters, The Mentalist, Supernatural, Reaper, Smallville (maybe, if I can stand it this season. So couldn't the last couple.) and a few more! Told ya- TV whore here.

We have another school issue on our hands, which will be resting in J's corner tomorrow. I did my part today and will pick it up again on Monday morning. This time, it's more of the same, and we have finally figured out the issue0- abuse of power, big time. And when this "power" is challenged, she gets vicious. She has no idea what vicious is. Yet. She will. I've made my calls, set things in motion, and informed everyone involved I'm out of commission till Monday morning. We will not be taking calls from the school in my house, period. They can go through my son's advocates. And that special needs teacher? Can take calls from the Board of Education. More on that next week.

Tonight, I just wanna freak out. Screw the school and the drama, and the rest of life's knocks, for just a little while. Give me 24 hours to recharge, and remember what it was like BEFORE there was all this crap. I think I need it, just for a minute. Just to breathe and relax and stop wondering what's coming next. I have to get my mind off this never ending roller coaster of what will happen each time Jake walks out the door. And I have to wrap my head around the fact that some people truly are evil. I'm dealing with that, we all are, and I've been dealing with it 24-7 since he started school there. It sounds crazy, but I had her from first sight, I knew he was going to have trouble. Not this kind of trouble, but trouble nonetheless. I knew even more when he was hurt and she denied knowledge and called him a liar. Knew more when this "mistaken identity" happened... which now seems like a purposeful lie. Knew more when I saw her scream in another child's face, calling him stupid. And knew today that she was the one who should have recognized trouble in me, when my son sobbed all the way home in the car because he'd been jerked, shaken and screamed at. Because he wouldn't lie. He was standing in a corner, shaking. disoriented and confused, unable to find his things. Because he wouldn't lie.

I'm dwelling on it, I'm chewing it around and around until it boils up in my throat. Let me be very specific- the mistaken identity? They accused Jake of molesting a boy. It was another child with the same name who did it. That's on record, written and spoken (I recorded the last meeting.) When they did so, they accused us of molesting Jake. Obviously, there was no concern. special Ed got her hands slapped for taunting me with it, for not following the IEP (he has not recieved ANY therapy there, and it's written in his IEP he gets three different kinds). Her hand was bitch slapped, or about to be, for allowing him to become injured at school and not doing her job. So, whe he hit a kid today in the regular class (come to find out taught by her DAUGHTER) she told me, again, he was fondling. Written report, of today, says "hitting." Jake's story is she told him we do bad things. He said no (already crying from being yelled at, called bad, and called a brat) and she grabbed his shirt collar, shook him (he acted this out on me), jerked him forward, got into his face (again acted out with me) and said "Yes. They. Do." I went to pick him up after they called about the hitting, and after she taunted me in the hall, saying she was uncomfortable talking with me, smirking all the while, she left. Only she is "concerned" and "uncomfortable". Her aides, who are the ones actually working with Jake, have never seen or heard anything out of him. Only in kindergarten does he hit. Only to this teacher does he "say and act disturbing." So, yeah. I need a minute.

And I'm going to put it away. I filed reports on her this afternoon. For abuse and negligence. I'm filing more Monday. I'm writing a letter to the editor of our paper. I'm calling in the State and getting a lawyer. But for now? For this moment, this day, this weekend? I want to go and forget some. I want to enjoy what I've spent months preparing for (and only after J is forcing me.. I was seriously not going to go after this went down.) He says he will handle, I believe him. And I want to come home, share my memories and my weekend with my family. And fogr on at the start of the week.

Follow me on twitter- updates all day. Email me if you need to, I won't be getting back to anyone till Saturday afternoon. Keep us in your thoughts, will ya? This is supposed to teach me something, all of it, and I'm still waiting to see exactly what that is.

For now, I just wanna be a Blockhead today.

Quicksand to Concrete

I've never been confrontational. Ask anyone who knows me. I'll bitch and moan, ignore you, avoid you... but unless I can write you a letter, most likely I won't do a whole lot. I hate face to face, or over the phone, confrontations. They make me nervous and somewhat sick to my stomach. I was a backward kid, and a backward adult. Then, something just... snapped.

I still don't like confrontation. But I no longer ignore or avoid things that are on my mind or bothering me. Maybe I got tired of feeling stepped on, from everyone to the snotty check out chick at Kmart to the woman next door who just will not learn to shut the f**k up. Whatever it is, I'm on it, the second there's an issue. Especially one pertaining to my kids.

I mentioned before some issues we were having with school. Last week, we had a biggie. the ultimate in a lot of ways, one that could have ended very very badly for my family. One I lived in fear with almost silently for a week, not because i didn't need to vent, but because there were a lot of emotions churning around and I wasn't sure what to say. Or who to say it to.

I'll put it this way- I can't go into detail because of other children, etc., involved- my son was accused of doing something... horrible. And in turn, we were accused of doing something so awful I can't even fathom it. After a week of this, of believing he had possibly done something he could not possibly have learned at home, we had a meeting. the faculty involved, his advocate and myself.

We started the conversation with the actions the principal of the school had reported. Not to me, but reported. The kindergarten teacher spoke up then, horrified. Jacob had not done those things. Another child did those things. Not my child- someone else's. The special education teacher and principal had taken it upon themselves to question my son (who had actually punched another kid, THAT was what the kindergarten teacher had reported to the S.E teacher, who is his main teacher). There had been no documentation, of anything- the principal had not spoken to the teacher supposedly saying these things until our meeting. A week after the fact. And she hadn't even said it about my kid.

There is no paperwork about this- never was any. But there was enough to call in another party and write notes to other parents? And then laugh it off with a woops, our mistake?? With barely an apology, simply a throwing up of hands and a"well it was a miscommunication." Needless to say, livid does not cover it.

I could have lost my children. I could have, J could have, gone to jail. Because these dumb shits can't do their job. And now, they have the same complaint to file... with just a different kid's name in it. They don't understand the consequences- not just what could have happened to my family, but what could happen to someone else's if they are looked at now as if they cry wolf. Their next complaint could be legit, and they could be ignored, brushed off, put aside... and someone could be in danger. Because they obviously do not know the proper protocol when handling an incident of any kind. Write that shit down. Get your facts straight. Then go from there.

I may repeat myself, but the not writing completely throws me. with this sort of situation, i'd have written every detail, every name, every single sylable uttered. To work in the best interest of the child as well as protect everyone else, I'd have crossed all my T's and dotted every single damned I there was. Because that's the way these things work. everyone involved in an incident needs informed.

So i went to work. I got on the phone and I did not get off again until I was somewhat... somewhat.. satisfied. The school will be looked at closely, the people in charge in the building even closer. I feel confident that this WILL be set right. Because if the actions taken today do not set them right? I'll go up another rung on the ladder. And another. and another... you get the idea. Right now, I'm following procedure... ya know, what you're SUPPOSED to follow!?!??! I'm going with the legal advice I receieved this morning and going up the ranks as I need to until this situation is handled, and it's made sure that nothing like this ever happens again.

I am not mollified. Not by a long shot. I am simply doing what i need to, using the proper channels to get this settled to my satisfaction. And I hope I'm proving a point- don't f**k with my kids, ok? don't f**k with my family, don't try to back anyone in a corner. I will not be victimized. My family won't be victimized. Anyone that will listen will know about this. And this school? Better be ready- they have absolutely no idea the can of worms they have opened. This will not be swept under a rug, I'm not going away quietly. And ya know what they can do if it bothers them?

Put it in writing.

My Kid, the Scapegoat

I'm not one of those parents who thinks their kids do nothing wrong. I can't stand parents like that, honestly. There's not a kid on Earth who won't pull something... even a small something.. if they think they can. That's part of being a kid. Put them in a group, and there's a chance they're going to bicker, nit pick, etc... and usually, there is one kid who gets the blame for all of them. That, apparently, is Jake.

The last two weeks, in and out of school, it seems I've been battling for my son. Tonight was no exception. Jake is only six, but he's bigger than a lot of kids years older than he is. He's taller by genetics, bigger by medications. So they think he can handle the picking, the teasing, the rough housing. He doesn't handle it well- last night a smaller kid (his age) called him a fat shit. He cried for almost half an hour over that one- he simply does not understand why this little boy chose to be mean to him, can't wrap his head around the fact that some kids are just mean to anyone they sense is weaker. He doesn't realize that this other kid? Is a shit.

Tonight, an older kid ( a friend of Alyssa's from school) tackled him to the ground because Jake wanted to touch his bike, and wouldn't back off about it. Jake doesn't back off- it's part of his personality. He fixates, and it's hard to distract him with something else once he sets his mind. So, more crying, more explaining (mainly that there is to be no pushing, hitting, etc., of any kind from any of them, mine included, for ANY reason). Even though part of me hoped Jake would have finally had his fill and knocked the kid back-I don't encourage them to fight, but once they see you crying, they know they can pick. at least tell them to back off and keep their hands to themselves.

After that, they were playing with the little guy next door. they play well together, they get along, we don't have any issues with them or they with us. And when there was an issue (the boys decided they'd name call, both ended up crying, both in trouble) the boy's father brought him over to make it right. Tonight, apparently, there was an issue with the little guy doing something his mom wanted. He lied and said he was, Jake lied and agreed he was. Yeah, it was a petty lie, but a lie nonetheless, and the kid's mom took it upon herself to tell my two that her kid isn't allowed to play with liars.

One, don't talk to my kids that way. Ever. Two, don't include Alyssa in something she didn't do. Three, Don't. Talk. To. My. Kids. That. Way. EVER. So I went over to see what had happened. It goes something like this- she tells me what happened, I ask why she said that to my kids. She stammers that she doesn't want her son thinking lying is ok, and won't let him fall in with "a bad crowd" of kids who lie all the time. I guess that means i should take the kids' supply of booze, weapons and heroin away... **sigh**....

So I inform her that first, she really shouldn't say that to other people's children, since she's trying to set an example to her own children about the right way to be and do things. Then I added, especially an autistic child who was backing up his buddy. And is now crying in the house because he thinks he lost his friend. And because I got on him about lying- I don't tolerate it either. But I'll handle it with my kids, thanks.

That's the first time I have ever told someone Jake has autism and enjoyed watching them squirm. even more so when her husband joined us and was concerned; we got off on a good foot about the kids when we met, and he seems like a genuinely nice guy. She stammered and stumbled some more. I explained I was concerned because she told the kids that her son couldn't play with liars. She seemed very uncomfortable.

It was left that hers was being punished for the night, not that he wasn't allowed to play with the kids, of course not, that wasn't what she meant, etc.... I'm confused, since that's what she said. She introduced herself after, friendly as can be. Why, because she was wrong? Or because my kid is autistic and suddenly she felt like a shithead?

I'm in the wrong for this, but I'm hoping for shithead.

Puff...

Tomorrow... er, today, I should say... is going to be very interesting. I mentioned before that it's the first day of school. What I didn't know is that it would be yet another issue. Between Jake's caseworker (also his school and other community program advocate) and I, we learned today that some things are.. well, frankly they're bullshit. Between last week (setting up meetings with a principal who knows exactly who he is, about his case, etc.,) and now, we've come across a myriad of issues, stemming from two different stories. As of today, as opposed to Thursday of last week, my son is now known as a "Phantom Child." As in, somewhere along the line, his paperwork (IEP, evaluations, testing and registrations for school) have been "lost". Supposedly, he is unknown at the school he has been registered for since May of this year. Supposedly, all of those things? Were never sent. We know better. His preschool knows better.

In this district, from what I understand and was told to me, as late as this afternoon, when a child is to be placed in a special classroom, he is registered and tested by the Special Education section. That, in this case, would be the superintendent present for meetings, testings, etc. that was done, according to the Special Education secretary/coordinator at his preschool. We have that paperwork. We have his IEP, his psychological evaluation, and his kindergarten screening-testing results. Those were done in his preschool classroom, because registering and testing in the "normal" setting for a child of his needs is too stressful and anxiety provoking for the child, therefore making the results skewed.

And yet.. yet.. somehow this has happened. And fingers are being pointed in every direction. So what should be a happy, easy transition for my son has become an obstacle. A mess of papers, running around to find others' copies, and finding who is responsible for all of this. Be it the superintendent or the special ed program at his school, it does not matter to me. It's one more thing, one last thing, that proves, again, my point.What happened in less than one week to suddenly make my son a ghost? To change easy transition into a possible nightmare of change, with the threat of him not even being able to go to school.

Hello again, small town. Hello, one more reason I do not want my children in this district, this county. And finally, there is agreement. My kids are my life. They will not fail. Their lives? Will never be compromised. Ever. There's no debate there, no option for anyone, or anything, to shift their reality. Living in this town has done enough of that. (Yes, there is a LARGE portion of backstory here that I am not giving. By my own omission, not anyone else's.)

To sum it up, I will say this: my son IS starting school tomorrow. With no hassle, as far as he will ever know. And someone will be held accountable, as high as I have to go. This won't be let go, or pushed aside, or ignored- not where my son is concerned. Not when everyone I know has known, for ages, my fears and concerns for him regarding school.

Tell me I'm overreacting, too angry, overly upset... and I will tell you more than enough about the town I live in (and the "influence" in it) to make your hair stand on end. Every school year, it's something. Every time my family makes a move, it's something.

This is the last time. Period.

Dawning Realizations

I have been doing a lot of reading this morning. Taking some advice I was given, and reading between the lines (funny how people hang themselves without knowing it, eh?) with things that have been said, etc. What i'm realizing is that no matter how it reads, I really don't give a shit. none is shocking, revealing, mind blowing... all it is comes down to the same things that have been said and done for almost as far back as I can remember. Same shit (heads), different day (week, month year.)

See, that's the thing. Life is about growing up, changing, evolving. When that doesn't happen, and you are the same person you have always been? your circumstance stays the same, or worsens. People move beyond you, because they are doing the healthy, normal things. Like living. For themselves. Making a life. when people say so and so hasn't changed at all, it's not usually said with a fondness. There's usually a head shake, or even a look of disgust, despair, whatever. Even if who you were a long time ago was great, chances are being that same person, without growth, in ten, twenty, etc., years just makes you immature.

I am not the same person I was. I can be, at times, but for the most part? Not so much. I'm not as easy about things now, or as nice. I don't "pointedly" do things for one to see.. I'll do it so everyone can see it, and let the pieces fall where they may.

I'm a firm believer in turning the other cheek. Until both of 'em are so bruised that you simply can't take another punch. Then, shit changes. Then it's simply an eye for an eye- equal you know? I'm also a firm believer in that whole equal, fair thing. Do unto others, isn't that how it goes? I don't think I've been doing my part. Be good to me, I'll be good to you. Other stuff, like oh I dunno... fucking up my marriage? Playing both sides..still... ? I'm gonna be... not so good to you.

So, let's leave it at this, shall we? Take that do unto others stuff seriously. Don't rock people's boats; you never know when the doormat's going to lose her shit and tip yours over.

Ducks

Just when you think it can't get any heavier, it always does. Do you think it's because the little things start to seem bigger when you're stressed, or because people see it as an opportunity to just be shitheads? Me, i think it's a little of both.

I'm sure you have gleaned there's something happening over this way. I've posted about it without really posting about it, because some things just aren't for the entire Internet to know. Although I'm tempted right now, believe me, to let loose and just let the pieces fall where they may.

I'm pretty fair, i think, when it comes to accepting my short comings, admitting my mistakes and knowing my faults. I'm not big on the whole "oh, but i did this because so-and-so did THIS" sort of mentality. Yeah, there are times when that happens, because every reaction, blah blah blah. But that sort of every day thinking is what lands people in a shitty situation. Or dealing with someone ELSE'S shitty situation.

People need to think about what they do and say. How they treat other people, how they view themselves and others... I am a firm believer in what goes around comes around. I've seen it too many times, from too many people. And if you keep being the same person, it'll just keep coming.
That said, at the risk of even more coming around my way, I think I'm content in knowing some things will never change, nor will some people. And even more content in knowing that Karma? Karma's a bigger bitch than I could ever hope to be.

Rolling With the Tide

When I sink my teeth into an idea, really into it, I go forward without ever really looking back. consequences, repercussions... whatever you want to call them... don't really figure into it. Usually, they are what led me to where I'm at, to that point where I just throw my hands up and say "Know what? This is the way it is, so this is where it's going."

I'm tired. Tired of living around others' choices and decisions, waiting for people to make the right decisions, the right moves... wondering how what someone else does is going to make or break a day, a week, a year... my life. I'm tired of waiting, waiting, waiting, and wondering. I'm simply... tired.

I never know where I truly stand, with anyone. I'm the stand-by, the back-up, the always there when there's nothing better. You know what? I am the something better. I'm tired of being treated as runner up in a contest that, honestly, isn't that great anyway.

I am the listener, the shoulder, the reliable. None of those are bad things; those are good qualities, and not one would I change. What needs to change is the idea that I'm the comfortable place to be when the exciting is too hard, or unavailable, or just out of reach.

I feel this way because I've allowed myself to be treated this way; I've allowed myself to take what I'm given instead of demanding what I deserve. If I give my all, I deserve it in return... not to be unhappy or unsettled because my give is not my get.

The changes keep coming, and I'm going with them. I'm tired of waiting, watching, questioning, needing, wanting and complaining. I'm so goddamn sick of the past, and paying for things that i didn't do. I'm sick of being the one with the table scraps.

It's time for more. Because I am more. Guess it's time to prove it.

One of Those 99%

I agree with the woman in this article who says she wishes she had a brat. Seriously, I am all for freedom of speech- i think everyone has the right to speak their minds, offer their opinions, and all that good shit. But, if your freedom of speech includes saying my son is a "brat", or calling autistic children "morons", "putz" and telling them to "stop acting like an idiot" then I'm going to shove your freedom of speech up your ignorant ass.

I've never seen anything like what Michael Savage is saying about autism. It offends me, breaks my heart and frustrates me- there is so much unknown about this disease as it is, so little education for so many people, that adding this sort of ignorance to the mix is anything but helpful. I agree that sometimes doctors and medicines are a bad combination; some doctors are more than willing to hand you a "cure all" in a prescription bottle. But, not all children with autism are even on medications. And yeah, some do need it to function somewhat "normally" in every day life. What we need is research, education and real answers. Not more assholes like this guy, stirring an already murky pot.

Michael Savage is obviously the moron here. Maybe someone should tell him to stop whining and act like a man..... after all, if autistic kids should have that ability, so should he.

The One Where She Has a B-Fest

It's that week around the blog, folks. Yeah, THAT week. The one where all everyone should know is to hand over the chocolate, smile, tell me everything (including me) looks terrific, and back away. Slowly. Still smiling. But not too brightly, because then I'll wonder what the hell you're grinning at.

Even on a good day, I'm moody. On a not so good day... you can guess how that goes. I can find a reason to bitch about ANYTHING during this week, and chances are, you'll get to hear about it, Internet. Why? Because now, after all this time, we're just that close. I've told you about the cookie issues, I've told you (repeatedly) about my boys. Why should I hide this bitch inside, when really, all women have one. Some hide her better than others, but we all have one. And what is the one thing that can unleash that bitch like no other?? I'm assuming every single female that read that just had the same answer. Men. Sorry, guys, but it's true. And not just our own men. No. It can be any man, from your friends' men to men you don't even know. Why? Because men have the Open Mouth, Insert Foot illness. Never met a man that didn't have it on occasion, and I probably never will.

Now, this isn't a man bashing post, or me trying to say that only men say inappropriate things- not at all. But, there's nothing else on Earth that I've found capable of making a woman as crazy as a man does. It's probably vice-versa, which is how this whole chemistry thing seems to work with the opposite sex. You know, that whole can't live with 'em, can't kill 'em idea. : )

Right now, I'm just edgy and easily irritated. I don't want to pick up the clothes that can't seem to find the hamper, or do the dishes that no one knows how to rinse off. I want a massage, a margarita, and that chocolate I mentioned. And as for that whole "Gee, is it that time of the month or what?" Say this instead, guys- "You look gorgeous. Here is some candy." Then just go away somewhere for awhile. And pick up your damn socks!

Behind Closed Doors

Have you ever said to someone, or had someone say to you what a wonderful person so-and-so is? I'm sure you have; we've all probably said, or thought, that very same thing at least once. And some people truly are that way, in and out of the public eye. Some people would give you the shirt off their back, and mean it. But, there are others, the ones who aren't so wonderful, helpful, generous or heroic. These are the people that fool us, the ones who wear a mask in the community and become someone completely different when the doors to their home are closed to the outside world.

This is the case for my oldest friend, when dealing with her ex. I normally don't blog about my friends, simply because of their privacy. If it's something general, it's one thing. But, another reason? Because of this ex. Because something as simple as me mentioning dinner, drinks, etc., in this blog would be used against my friend, misconstrued, twisted and made into a drunken whore fest all the while neglecting her child. So, I don't say much here.

Tonight, it's different. Tonight, I'm pretty disturbed, worried and pissed off. My friend has been harassed and verbally abused by her ex since she was pregnant with their son. This man is well known in our community; he is a firefighter as well as a paramedic. He threw her out of his house late at night while she was pregnant, threatening her with the sheriff if she did not "get the f*** out of this house." She changed her phone number to get away from the constant calls and text messages, and he called my house, then my job using the fire department as an excuse to get me on the phone (scaring me, because you automatically think something terrible has happened to your family), and then came to my job. He phoned her mother numerous times, yelling, threatening and swearing on the phone and answering machine. All of this after treating her like dirt while her grandmother lay in a hospital dying, then cracking jokes at the funeral, and getting angry because she didn't have him walk her to the casket.... because it "looked bad" that he didn't.

At the time, my friend was pregnant, going to school full time and working part time. She made a room and a home for her son, with her family's help. He offered nothing. A family member of his called and threatened to take the baby from her, due to what she had been hearing from him. All through it, my friend never denied him access to knowing what was going on with her pregnancy. She allowed him to be there for the delivery, to spend time with the baby in the following weeks. all of which was repaid by him demanding a paternity test and revoking the birth certificate when she wouldn't sleep with him.

I have heard their calls in the last couple of years, seen the text messages he sends to her. I have never in my life seen someone be treated the way he has done to her, or spoken to the way that he speaks to her. She is screamed at, cussed at, threatened... and in the next breath she is loved, needed, please come see me... it is scary the way he goes back and forth, at random, for no reason. She's filed a report on him, months ago, for being physical with her while she held their son. Why? she wanted to leave after picking up the baby from a visit, and he wanted her to stay.

She has been far better than i would have. She has never stopped him from seeing his child, never fought him on anything other than looking out for the baby's best interests and keeping him on a schedule. Which was met with the response "it isn't about his schedule, it is about me." Know what, asshole? It's not. It's about the baby, whether you two are friendly or not. It should always, always be about your child. And my friend is the most conscientious parent I know. That child wants for nothing. They are close, and she does everything with him, takes him everywhere. Her main goal is raising her son to be happy and well adjusted. And he is. He loves her beyond reason, and she him.

Now it has progressed. My friend wants to move on, to build a life for her son and herself without the fighting, the worrying, the constant over the shoulder glances. She called the sheriff this morning after a pretty vicious exchange, and asked what could be done. It has gotten to the point where is truly is afraid. He drives by all hours of the night- in the ambulance while working, I might add. The phone he uses to text things such as "you are trash" and "screw you bi***"? That is the phone provided to him by his job. He calls, harasses and does all these things on county time. He worries her, scares her and causes her to hesitate in making any moves that will rock the boat, for fear of how he will react. We have all been there and seen it, seen him scream at her, heard how he rages on and on.... He has made multiple scenes in public, even being escorted out of a building where he was fighting with her and her friends.. I get where she's coming from.

So, she called the sheriff department for advice. Not to file a report, but just to ask. Not even one hour later, she gets an angry message that he has been informed that she called the sheriff. He has friends in the department, so tow and two add up pretty quickly. So, again the sheriff is called, and apparently, oh whoops, whoever did that? Was in the wrong. It is just like she said- what if he needed an excuse to go over the edge and attack her physically? Hurt her, kill her? then the sheriff department would be responsible for alerting him to her call- something they are NOT ALLOWED to do.

The problem I have is with this supposed community standing. Who is he to get away with such things? To treat anyone, but especially the mother of his child, in this way and be excused, even warned, when she expresses concern for her safety??? Why should he get to play Mr. All American, and use county vehicles to stalk someone? Especially when he is already the guy no one wants to work with, the guy no one has any good feelings for.... he has had major altercations with more than one co-worker because of his pompous, my crap smells like honey attitude.

But where does this end, for my friend? When does he stop getting special treatment (other than the strait jacket he deserves) because of his occupation? A job does not a hero make. Behavior and attitude does that. And what behavior and attitude makes him is an abuser, plain and simple. A controlling, isolating, manipulative abuser.

Why do the abusers seem to get special treatment while victims are left wondering just where to turn to feel safe? I mean, if you can't find confidentiality and safety from the police, where can you find it?

Welcome to small town Ohio, folks. Drive something with a siren and you have a free pass to whatever behavior you choose- especially when your best buddy wears a badge.

Hack This!

Could it be I touched a nerve somewhere with my post yesterday? That doesn't necessarily have me jumping up and down with glee- especially since I had to get new passwords for my email (again) and blog. But, I do find it funny.

I don't write for anyone or anything in particular. I write for a number of reasons. I like sharing tidbits of my life here in Small Town Ohio. I like the circle of women I read, comment on and talk to. I like feeling as if I might just be making someone laugh or think with something I say. I don't write for any one person, and I certainly don't set out to zero in on that one moron and pick on them, rub their faces in anything, etc.... I have a life.

I've posted pictures, names.... I'm doing nothing anonymously, and I probably won't ever do anything anonymously. I get why people do; safety issues, etc., and I don't knock anyone for how they choose to blog. But, if I were to blog anonymously, it wouldn't be out of a safety issue. It would be for all the wrong reasons, and I just won't do it.

I won't refuse to put pics of my family or pets on here just because "certain people" may see them. I won't live that way anymore. It simply isn't worth it. Look at my beautiful children, my funny animals. Read what they do, say and accomplish. Make snide remarks or whatever you gota do to get through the day. Whoopdie do. I don't give a shit. I won't bite my tongue or hide my stories- they are mine to tell. I will not have this constant wonder of who may see this, dislike it, etc.... I don't give a shit. If you read it, you must want to see what I'm saying. Otherwise, why would you be here??

Like I said in my first post (read the archives if you must) I'm not going to name people here. I'm not going to pull punches though. This is about my life, my family and friends, and other shit I deal with. If you don't want me mentioning you, in any way shape or form, don't be part of it. That would solve it all, right? Right!
But~ I'm a bit sick of the email bullshit. Stop doing it, whoever you are. I don't need to keep getting new passwords. I do not need anyone's penis enlarged. I also do not care what Asian brides await me with just one click. So, new hobby, please!

And PS~ on yesterday's post? I meant his, not mine. :)