If you need to catch up, I'll slow down. But I can't stop. This is all too important, everything happening right now. This is what counts, all these little moments, all the in between. So, yeah. I'll slow down, but I know now that I can't stop. It just isn't an option anymore. I'm on the path I'm supposed to be, all the way around. I feel it in my bones. Life is happening, all around us, and why in the world should we stop? We should pause to look at it, reflect on it, enjoy the sweet moments and pay attention to the reminders that life isn't forever. We are timeless, but not immortal. Stopping happiness and joy from happening is a waste-of life and of what we leave behind, to be remembered by. That's why it counts, why it is SO important. What do you want to remember? What do you want to be the legacy you leave behind for those who love you, the ones walking, or running, to keep up, slowing down or calling for you to catch up. Nothing else matters, not really. Grab it and go with it- it's the only one you have.
There's no rewind button, there's no “do over”. I know, that sucks. I get that, believe me, I get it and it can cut away if you let it. But that makes here and now that much more important- do it better, now. Do it different, NOW. You can't change something you did, said, should've- you just can't. But it makes you a different person, one who regrets and learns, and knows better. One who sees the difference between who they were and who they are. Where they were and where they are. Sometimes that's a HUGE leap, and one to be so grateful for once you see it. It can change everything, give you everything you thought you'd lost, or never had to begin with. And I'd have missed it if I hadn't started walking.
So now I will keep walking, because if this is what I have, all of this, in my life? All these people, creating these moments, these memories, these life changing experiences- why would I want to do anything else? I know what I have, all the way around. I know how blessed I am, how lucky I am to be where I am right this moment. It's right. It just is. Can't explain it, can't fight it, don't want to. :)
Life is precious. Love and memories more so. I know that now without a shadow of a doubt in my heart. So.. let's take a walk.
Showing posts with label forever and always. Show all posts
Showing posts with label forever and always. Show all posts
6/1/10
5/10/10
Perfectly Obvious
I had a really good weekend. You know by now that I am always going to tell you about those moments, those “aha!” times... and whether I learn for a minute or a day, or maybe-hopefully- a lifetime, I'm going to relish every one of them. I had a lot of them this weekend. A lot of them the last couple weeks, I suppose, but the best ones came from this weekend. For the first time in a long time, I really appreciated and paid attention to what was going on around me- the little things, the big ones... and I am so thankful for the people who remind me, daily, to be grateful, humble, and to hold onto all I do have with all that I've got.
I spent Saturday morning with some of the women in my family, and it was the most amazing experience. We had a Mother-Daughter brunch at my mother-in-law and sister-in- law's church, and my mother-in-law was the speaker. She truly does have a gift with words, written and spoken. Not just a talent, which she has more than I could hope for, but a GIFT. She speaks from her very soul, and there wasn't a woman in that room who wasn't touched... because she was speaking to us. Reminding us that we are loved, blessed, important. That we are never alone, our shoulders should never slump, heads should never be down. She reminded us how important we all are- each of us unique, with gifts and talents of our own. And she reminded me that there is peace in faith.
I have a hard time with that- with having that unshakable knowing that even my most well kept secrets are not just mine to keep, to know. That I am not the only one who sees and knows my heart, my soul, my reasons and reactions. I have a hard time with that, with that absolute. I struggle with faith, with God and I really shouldn't- I have seen plenty of miracles, been given plenty of signs. I don't doubt He is there. I wonder how He could be there for me, that's all. And I envy that absolute- knowing you are never alone, your walk is never solitary. I question everything, it's part of who I am. I analyze, think, wonder, and do it all again. I could probably analyze myself to death over things... but maybe that's part of that being unique thing?
I walked out of there with a better sense of who my family is, where my husband came from, and how amazing it is really belonging. I belong to these people, and they belong to me. And that honestly is through the grace of God- there is nothing else that could have kept us together. But to know that? To really see that? It nearly knocked me down- I really belong with them. I'm theirs, they're mine... for the kid who never fit, the woman who skirted the outside of the line because of this, this or that? That was my gift this Mother's Day. They gave it back, what I've been missing, questioning, chasing. It really was right there in front of me- I just had to knock some old walls down to see it. Or rather, the walls were knocked down for me, which is sometimes even better. I have a new sense of myself, my faith, and my worth. As a woman, a mother, a wife, a daughter, sister, lover, friend... this weekend gave it back to me. In pieces, in words and gestures, I started to feel a little more peace, a little more me. That finding and holding onto me thing is a killer, you know? But finding me comes from the mountains as well as the valleys, and knowing what matters and what doesn't. And knowing that it isn't always peaceful or easy... there are hard questions, awful moments, and difficult choices and decisions. But that doesn't change the core, the base, that foundation. Unless I let it. The only thing really shaking the tree is me- no one can make it or break it, but my emotions and reactions sure can.
There was one thing said over this entire weekend that immediately opened up a part of me that I'd thought I would never see again. It wasn't said to me, and no one but me probably even remembers it being said. I haven't shared it, and I won't, but that one statement shook loose a lot of cobwebs, and THAT was when my shoulders relaxed, my head popped up, and had you looked closely enough, that was my moment. Over everything else, that was my moment. Everything else was able to really sink in and take hold because of it. And the best part was it didn't give me any glee, it didn't give me that sense of satisfaction that it would have before.. it just was, because it was true in the real sense of things. And acknowledgment does a lot. And even when it isn't said out loud, actions tell you a lot as well.
It isn't about being right, being better, being above- I've said it before. It's just about being, knowing your limits, seeing your strengths and your weaknesses equally. Without patting yourself on the back, or berating yourself. It is what it is, and every day is new, every day is a chance to begin something else, learn something new...
You can't change others, but you can change yourself. Reactions again. I'm going to keep my heart as open as my eyes, and see what is rather than what isn't. There is no what if, there is no might have been, or could be... this is what is. And I've been missing it, hiding from it, pushing it away because of what was. I'm just going to trust, in myself and in the people I love. The only walls I want are the ones against the negative- there's way too much of that in the world, and letting go, being rid of it, is hard. But it eats away at everything that counts. That's what is so hard to remember sometimes- we focus so much on one negative, one jab, one thing that chips away at all the good we really do have. It takes away from the significant. I'm not doing that anymore- I owe too much to the people who love me, the people I have and am building this life and these memories with, to allow anything to stand in the way of it. There has been too much hurt, too many moments that would have been perfect but for... It's such a waste. I don't want to waste the time I've got, and I'm not going to anymore. Emotions have a trickle effect, and why should any of us allow all the outside bs to trickle in, change our moments, days or lives? Because it's meant to? Because it's pointed? Who cares? That isn't on me, that's only for me to recognize and react to. That's where my choice lies. And it's easy to get worked up, angry, worried... but why, when it's obviously the point? Especially when it's obviously the point? And even more so, when it doesn't matter to anyone else? That's what I needed to see, I think- I wasn't the only one seeing it. I was just the only one reacting.
Like I said, it was a good weekend. I had a lot of conversations, a lot of lessons, and the main lightbulb moments I needed, from the people I needed them from most. The strongest tie in the world is love. I belong with the people I have, and they belong with me. The rest of it doesn't hold weight or power over me unless I choose to allow that. And why should I, when no one else is? Does that mean all the negative will magically disappear? Of course not. Does it mean things won't touch a nerve, cause an annoyance? Nope. But it does mean that I'm not allowing it into my day, or into our lives, to make a major out of a minor. It does mean that I can see some things as almost routine- because it really is obvious- and just go on. I choose to be transparent and enjoy my life with good people and good times, not to be transparent and enjoy my life by being negative or spiteful. That's my choice. What's yours?
I spent Saturday morning with some of the women in my family, and it was the most amazing experience. We had a Mother-Daughter brunch at my mother-in-law and sister-in- law's church, and my mother-in-law was the speaker. She truly does have a gift with words, written and spoken. Not just a talent, which she has more than I could hope for, but a GIFT. She speaks from her very soul, and there wasn't a woman in that room who wasn't touched... because she was speaking to us. Reminding us that we are loved, blessed, important. That we are never alone, our shoulders should never slump, heads should never be down. She reminded us how important we all are- each of us unique, with gifts and talents of our own. And she reminded me that there is peace in faith.
I have a hard time with that- with having that unshakable knowing that even my most well kept secrets are not just mine to keep, to know. That I am not the only one who sees and knows my heart, my soul, my reasons and reactions. I have a hard time with that, with that absolute. I struggle with faith, with God and I really shouldn't- I have seen plenty of miracles, been given plenty of signs. I don't doubt He is there. I wonder how He could be there for me, that's all. And I envy that absolute- knowing you are never alone, your walk is never solitary. I question everything, it's part of who I am. I analyze, think, wonder, and do it all again. I could probably analyze myself to death over things... but maybe that's part of that being unique thing?
I walked out of there with a better sense of who my family is, where my husband came from, and how amazing it is really belonging. I belong to these people, and they belong to me. And that honestly is through the grace of God- there is nothing else that could have kept us together. But to know that? To really see that? It nearly knocked me down- I really belong with them. I'm theirs, they're mine... for the kid who never fit, the woman who skirted the outside of the line because of this, this or that? That was my gift this Mother's Day. They gave it back, what I've been missing, questioning, chasing. It really was right there in front of me- I just had to knock some old walls down to see it. Or rather, the walls were knocked down for me, which is sometimes even better. I have a new sense of myself, my faith, and my worth. As a woman, a mother, a wife, a daughter, sister, lover, friend... this weekend gave it back to me. In pieces, in words and gestures, I started to feel a little more peace, a little more me. That finding and holding onto me thing is a killer, you know? But finding me comes from the mountains as well as the valleys, and knowing what matters and what doesn't. And knowing that it isn't always peaceful or easy... there are hard questions, awful moments, and difficult choices and decisions. But that doesn't change the core, the base, that foundation. Unless I let it. The only thing really shaking the tree is me- no one can make it or break it, but my emotions and reactions sure can.
There was one thing said over this entire weekend that immediately opened up a part of me that I'd thought I would never see again. It wasn't said to me, and no one but me probably even remembers it being said. I haven't shared it, and I won't, but that one statement shook loose a lot of cobwebs, and THAT was when my shoulders relaxed, my head popped up, and had you looked closely enough, that was my moment. Over everything else, that was my moment. Everything else was able to really sink in and take hold because of it. And the best part was it didn't give me any glee, it didn't give me that sense of satisfaction that it would have before.. it just was, because it was true in the real sense of things. And acknowledgment does a lot. And even when it isn't said out loud, actions tell you a lot as well.
It isn't about being right, being better, being above- I've said it before. It's just about being, knowing your limits, seeing your strengths and your weaknesses equally. Without patting yourself on the back, or berating yourself. It is what it is, and every day is new, every day is a chance to begin something else, learn something new...
You can't change others, but you can change yourself. Reactions again. I'm going to keep my heart as open as my eyes, and see what is rather than what isn't. There is no what if, there is no might have been, or could be... this is what is. And I've been missing it, hiding from it, pushing it away because of what was. I'm just going to trust, in myself and in the people I love. The only walls I want are the ones against the negative- there's way too much of that in the world, and letting go, being rid of it, is hard. But it eats away at everything that counts. That's what is so hard to remember sometimes- we focus so much on one negative, one jab, one thing that chips away at all the good we really do have. It takes away from the significant. I'm not doing that anymore- I owe too much to the people who love me, the people I have and am building this life and these memories with, to allow anything to stand in the way of it. There has been too much hurt, too many moments that would have been perfect but for... It's such a waste. I don't want to waste the time I've got, and I'm not going to anymore. Emotions have a trickle effect, and why should any of us allow all the outside bs to trickle in, change our moments, days or lives? Because it's meant to? Because it's pointed? Who cares? That isn't on me, that's only for me to recognize and react to. That's where my choice lies. And it's easy to get worked up, angry, worried... but why, when it's obviously the point? Especially when it's obviously the point? And even more so, when it doesn't matter to anyone else? That's what I needed to see, I think- I wasn't the only one seeing it. I was just the only one reacting.
Like I said, it was a good weekend. I had a lot of conversations, a lot of lessons, and the main lightbulb moments I needed, from the people I needed them from most. The strongest tie in the world is love. I belong with the people I have, and they belong with me. The rest of it doesn't hold weight or power over me unless I choose to allow that. And why should I, when no one else is? Does that mean all the negative will magically disappear? Of course not. Does it mean things won't touch a nerve, cause an annoyance? Nope. But it does mean that I'm not allowing it into my day, or into our lives, to make a major out of a minor. It does mean that I can see some things as almost routine- because it really is obvious- and just go on. I choose to be transparent and enjoy my life with good people and good times, not to be transparent and enjoy my life by being negative or spiteful. That's my choice. What's yours?
1/1/10
Hello 2010 ::)
I said I wasn't going to write a “wrap up” of 2009, and I'm still not planning on it. This year has seemed... bigger than about twelve months, more than just about this year. Sounds odd, doesn't it? But it is the best way I can describe it.
2009 was the year of searching, looking back through several years, emotions, experiences and questions. And finding answers, even when we didn't want to, even when it seemed that the solutions were harder to handle than the issues. This was the hard one, the big one. This was the boogeyman, the unmentionables, the upside down. This was about digging through all the muck, dropping pride and defenses at the door, and wading in. This was the year that counted, the one that may not have rewritten the book, but it sure did change the chapters in front of us. And look- we are all still standing here. Our hair may be a little tousled, but we're all in one piece. In fact, if you look a little closer, there's just that much more light in our eyes.
Life isn't about being “right”. It really isn't, as much as we'd like it to be sometimes. It's not about being better than, having more. It's about just being better. Giving more, being more.... it's about being right with who you are, and the decisions you have made, the life you are building. And it's about admitting when you aren't right with those things, being big enough to recognize the changes in you that need made, and taking the steps to make them. That's a hard thing, I'll tell you right now. That's the hardest thing you will ever do, and you'll hate it.... but it's worth it to find some shred of light, of peace, at the end of the road.
I have learned a lot about the people in my life this year, about the people they are and why. That's where it is for me- the why. The who you are because of how you got here. It fascinates me, draws me in... and it gives you a different take on things. You have to walk in someone else's shoes for a minute sometimes, to stop judging and see things from the other sides. Yours is only part of the story, you know?
I know some amazing people. I really am blessed, and I've come to see that every person in my life brings something to the table, brings it all together in a complex and unique mosaic that I really wouldn't change for anything else. I hope I'm bringing that, too, adding to rather than taking from. I'm working on it.
I think that 2010 is going to be an amazing year, the beginning of a really interesting journey. I'm ready for that, I look forward to it. I'm not making any resolutions, I'm simply going to go with it, as much as my over analyzing mind can, anyway, and let life... just... happen. It's going to anyway, there's no point in not enjoying it. We waste so much time on what if's, maybes... We worry ourselves sick trying to plan for every single possibility, and we miss out on the whole purpose OF possibility. That means you can do anything, be anything... if you just get out of your own way, that is. .
2010 is going to be the Nothing is Impossible year. Hmmm... I guess I DID make a resolution after all, didn't I? Oh well... I guess anything can happen, can't it? ;)
2009 was the year of searching, looking back through several years, emotions, experiences and questions. And finding answers, even when we didn't want to, even when it seemed that the solutions were harder to handle than the issues. This was the hard one, the big one. This was the boogeyman, the unmentionables, the upside down. This was about digging through all the muck, dropping pride and defenses at the door, and wading in. This was the year that counted, the one that may not have rewritten the book, but it sure did change the chapters in front of us. And look- we are all still standing here. Our hair may be a little tousled, but we're all in one piece. In fact, if you look a little closer, there's just that much more light in our eyes.
Life isn't about being “right”. It really isn't, as much as we'd like it to be sometimes. It's not about being better than, having more. It's about just being better. Giving more, being more.... it's about being right with who you are, and the decisions you have made, the life you are building. And it's about admitting when you aren't right with those things, being big enough to recognize the changes in you that need made, and taking the steps to make them. That's a hard thing, I'll tell you right now. That's the hardest thing you will ever do, and you'll hate it.... but it's worth it to find some shred of light, of peace, at the end of the road.
I have learned a lot about the people in my life this year, about the people they are and why. That's where it is for me- the why. The who you are because of how you got here. It fascinates me, draws me in... and it gives you a different take on things. You have to walk in someone else's shoes for a minute sometimes, to stop judging and see things from the other sides. Yours is only part of the story, you know?
I know some amazing people. I really am blessed, and I've come to see that every person in my life brings something to the table, brings it all together in a complex and unique mosaic that I really wouldn't change for anything else. I hope I'm bringing that, too, adding to rather than taking from. I'm working on it.
I think that 2010 is going to be an amazing year, the beginning of a really interesting journey. I'm ready for that, I look forward to it. I'm not making any resolutions, I'm simply going to go with it, as much as my over analyzing mind can, anyway, and let life... just... happen. It's going to anyway, there's no point in not enjoying it. We waste so much time on what if's, maybes... We worry ourselves sick trying to plan for every single possibility, and we miss out on the whole purpose OF possibility. That means you can do anything, be anything... if you just get out of your own way, that is. .
2010 is going to be the Nothing is Impossible year. Hmmm... I guess I DID make a resolution after all, didn't I? Oh well... I guess anything can happen, can't it? ;)
9/7/09
Uhhh.. What?
I turned thirty-one last Tuesday. I can't complain, I had a good b-day, and September has, so far, been a good month. The kids are flourishing in school, Miss T is enjoying being the sole attention getter during the day, and aside from the allergies that roll around every year, we're all in top form.
I can't complain, like I said. And yet... I'm sitting here, enjoying some (rare!!) quiet, and trying to prepare myself for the coming weeks. I think it's going to be interesting, these changes and emotions, and as soon as I'm wrapping my head around them, around this situation, there is always something else to wrap my head around. Such is life, right? But sometimes, I don't want to have something to wrap my head around, something to think about, anything to wonder about other than what I'm making for dinner, if the kids are having a good day, and whether that load of laundry will pick today to fold itself. I don't want to be the worrier, the analyzer, the one always planning eight steps ahead for whatever may or may not happen on any given day. I HATE that about myself, you know?
And there's a part of me that isn't that person. A part of me that doesn't have those worries, that rolls with it, laughs it off and enjoys the day. I like that part, I miss it when I can't find it. And I haven't lost it, misplaced it or had it hidden away as I think it has been in the past. I just had to be the grown up, and that pushed some of the easiness aside. Aaaand, I'm analyzing again. But, I doubt that's soemthing I can ever stop- my mind has a mind of its own, LOL, and it likes to work. And work, and work... you get the idea.
Life has been good, though. It really, really has. Am I worried that will change? Sure. Absolutely. I keep telling myself there's nothing I can't handle, and then I realize what that really says. I keep reminding myself things happen for a reason, and then I ask myself what the hell could it be??? I tell myself there are lessons, and tests, and think oh holy shit, am I going to pass? Fail? And how will I know which is which?? Loaded questions, all. And they have been for awhile- again, that's nothing new. But, it sure feels it all of a sudden.
Like I said- life has been good. I can't complain. Everyone is healthy, we have all been happy, and making plans for holidays, from layways to food and festivities. We've been doing more than surviving.. we have all been thriving. Together.
But today? Today I'm sitting here staring into space, thinking a million lost thoughts..... and oh my God, I want to scream...
I can't complain, like I said. And yet... I'm sitting here, enjoying some (rare!!) quiet, and trying to prepare myself for the coming weeks. I think it's going to be interesting, these changes and emotions, and as soon as I'm wrapping my head around them, around this situation, there is always something else to wrap my head around. Such is life, right? But sometimes, I don't want to have something to wrap my head around, something to think about, anything to wonder about other than what I'm making for dinner, if the kids are having a good day, and whether that load of laundry will pick today to fold itself. I don't want to be the worrier, the analyzer, the one always planning eight steps ahead for whatever may or may not happen on any given day. I HATE that about myself, you know?
And there's a part of me that isn't that person. A part of me that doesn't have those worries, that rolls with it, laughs it off and enjoys the day. I like that part, I miss it when I can't find it. And I haven't lost it, misplaced it or had it hidden away as I think it has been in the past. I just had to be the grown up, and that pushed some of the easiness aside. Aaaand, I'm analyzing again. But, I doubt that's soemthing I can ever stop- my mind has a mind of its own, LOL, and it likes to work. And work, and work... you get the idea.
Life has been good, though. It really, really has. Am I worried that will change? Sure. Absolutely. I keep telling myself there's nothing I can't handle, and then I realize what that really says. I keep reminding myself things happen for a reason, and then I ask myself what the hell could it be??? I tell myself there are lessons, and tests, and think oh holy shit, am I going to pass? Fail? And how will I know which is which?? Loaded questions, all. And they have been for awhile- again, that's nothing new. But, it sure feels it all of a sudden.
Like I said- life has been good. I can't complain. Everyone is healthy, we have all been happy, and making plans for holidays, from layways to food and festivities. We've been doing more than surviving.. we have all been thriving. Together.
But today? Today I'm sitting here staring into space, thinking a million lost thoughts..... and oh my God, I want to scream...
8/26/09
School Daze :)
Yesterday was the first day of school here at Casa Diva. 4th grade for Miss Lyss, 1st for Jake. She, of course, was beyond thrilled to be going back- school is one of her favorite things on the planet. Where she gets it? No idea! LOL He was reluctant, and after last year, who can really blame him. But, we were positive and encouraging, preparing him for the changes in advance, and we made it into the building with him all smiles.
This year marked the year of Jonas in our house, in the form of backpack, lunchbox, T-shirt, notebooks and jewelry. I admit, I rolled my eyes, but as a protest formed on my lips, memories of a neon orange lunchbox, as well as a hot pink and turquoise backpack flashed before my eyes. I shut my mouth and watched her get that look-you know the one- and had to grin. If she's lucky, she'll grin like that about those boys in 20 years.
Jake went SpongeBob.. again. He's reliable with it, at least-he has had a SpongeBob backpack every single year. But he likes it, and who needs an argument over that? It makes him happy, it makes us happy. And he's always eager to show off the new one. LOL
We got a note today that Jake is in the first grade regular class FULL TIME! That is HUGE, and something I had expected to happen later in the year, or maybe when pigs flew, to be perfectly honest. LOL But it marks a change, in the way he is seen and the attention that is paid. And? Not only is he in the regular class full time, he is in the class with the kids who are further along academically. That proves something to me- what he's capable of really isn't being ignored. Huge, huge steps. Both kids are happy and enjoying school, so far, and are excited about the things they're going to be doing this year. Major bonus, and something to give me a little room to take that deep breath I'm not finding these days.
Everything else... is still everything else. I wish I knew what to think, say, feel... I wish it were different, had been different, in a lot of ways. I always have. But it wasn't, it isn't, and it's very hard for someone like me to wrap my head around things happening as they are. Is it the right thing? Objectively, I can say absolutely. As a mom, a wife, a woman, complete with all those emotions... I honestly don't know. I have a lot of things on my mind, and I don't trust a lot of my feelings, or anyone elses'. No one is 100% selfless. No one in this particular situation is 100% open. And I don't say that with malice, I say that with my own hesitation and an understanding of everyone elses' involved. But I also know that everything happens for a reason, and we are not in control, we are not the ones with the real plans. So, I may not put my trust in anyone else, but I'm laying it at His doorstep and saying, ok. I get it. I've asked for guidance, for signs, and I have to trust what I've gotten back. It really isn't about me. It's about being the person I'm needed to be, for my husband, my children, and the others involved.
Sorry it's been so long, but my head has really been elsewhere lately. Lots happening, lots going to happen, and not much I can say without the veiled crap I have to work with right now. LOL Add to it, the PC crashed and I'm on J's laptop-which i HATE, btw- until further notice. But, I'm going to hang around this time I think. At least for a minute ;)
How was back to school Internet? How's things?
This year marked the year of Jonas in our house, in the form of backpack, lunchbox, T-shirt, notebooks and jewelry. I admit, I rolled my eyes, but as a protest formed on my lips, memories of a neon orange lunchbox, as well as a hot pink and turquoise backpack flashed before my eyes. I shut my mouth and watched her get that look-you know the one- and had to grin. If she's lucky, she'll grin like that about those boys in 20 years.
Jake went SpongeBob.. again. He's reliable with it, at least-he has had a SpongeBob backpack every single year. But he likes it, and who needs an argument over that? It makes him happy, it makes us happy. And he's always eager to show off the new one. LOL
We got a note today that Jake is in the first grade regular class FULL TIME! That is HUGE, and something I had expected to happen later in the year, or maybe when pigs flew, to be perfectly honest. LOL But it marks a change, in the way he is seen and the attention that is paid. And? Not only is he in the regular class full time, he is in the class with the kids who are further along academically. That proves something to me- what he's capable of really isn't being ignored. Huge, huge steps. Both kids are happy and enjoying school, so far, and are excited about the things they're going to be doing this year. Major bonus, and something to give me a little room to take that deep breath I'm not finding these days.
Everything else... is still everything else. I wish I knew what to think, say, feel... I wish it were different, had been different, in a lot of ways. I always have. But it wasn't, it isn't, and it's very hard for someone like me to wrap my head around things happening as they are. Is it the right thing? Objectively, I can say absolutely. As a mom, a wife, a woman, complete with all those emotions... I honestly don't know. I have a lot of things on my mind, and I don't trust a lot of my feelings, or anyone elses'. No one is 100% selfless. No one in this particular situation is 100% open. And I don't say that with malice, I say that with my own hesitation and an understanding of everyone elses' involved. But I also know that everything happens for a reason, and we are not in control, we are not the ones with the real plans. So, I may not put my trust in anyone else, but I'm laying it at His doorstep and saying, ok. I get it. I've asked for guidance, for signs, and I have to trust what I've gotten back. It really isn't about me. It's about being the person I'm needed to be, for my husband, my children, and the others involved.
Sorry it's been so long, but my head has really been elsewhere lately. Lots happening, lots going to happen, and not much I can say without the veiled crap I have to work with right now. LOL Add to it, the PC crashed and I'm on J's laptop-which i HATE, btw- until further notice. But, I'm going to hang around this time I think. At least for a minute ;)
How was back to school Internet? How's things?
8/5/09
Unsinkable Ships
I had a conversation this evening that I wish, now, I'd had ages ago. But like everything else, maybe it just wasn't time before. Maybe I needed, personally, to have the emotions I did and the thoughts that I did so that when everything started to unravel, or come together- it's all in how you see it, and some situations are both- it would all happen at the same time, piece by piece.
It's odd to think how one choice can change so many things, have an effect on so many things. And how, after awhile, you almost forget not to think of it. Or how when something major happens, the picture shifts just slightly, and you say ahh... ok... I get it.
There is a reason for everything. I have always said it, and while we may never fully understand the reasons, we will come out of it better people, if we just pay attention, listen and do the right thing. Even the things that seem impossible to hurdle- it happens when it should.
My house is calm. Like, for the first time we aren't holding our breath. I know it's confusing, but I can't explain things any other way right now. We are doing the right things, and we are seeing each other differently I think, or seeing what we used to maybe? Either way, like the negative, a positive vibe has a trickle effect. And while I'm a little unnerved by some of the details of life right now, it can't put a dent in it.
This is about us. All of us. This is the right thing. There is no choice but to do the right thing, no matter what... it's just getting to that point and no longer caring what other people may think, say or do to ruin it, stop it, stall it, or whatever. People are going to do what they choose- it's all in your reaction to them. That, at the end of the day, proves the kind of person you truly are.
This? Is about me. Is about my kids, my husband, my family. Our family. And you know what? It's long, long overdue.
It's odd to think how one choice can change so many things, have an effect on so many things. And how, after awhile, you almost forget not to think of it. Or how when something major happens, the picture shifts just slightly, and you say ahh... ok... I get it.
There is a reason for everything. I have always said it, and while we may never fully understand the reasons, we will come out of it better people, if we just pay attention, listen and do the right thing. Even the things that seem impossible to hurdle- it happens when it should.
My house is calm. Like, for the first time we aren't holding our breath. I know it's confusing, but I can't explain things any other way right now. We are doing the right things, and we are seeing each other differently I think, or seeing what we used to maybe? Either way, like the negative, a positive vibe has a trickle effect. And while I'm a little unnerved by some of the details of life right now, it can't put a dent in it.
This is about us. All of us. This is the right thing. There is no choice but to do the right thing, no matter what... it's just getting to that point and no longer caring what other people may think, say or do to ruin it, stop it, stall it, or whatever. People are going to do what they choose- it's all in your reaction to them. That, at the end of the day, proves the kind of person you truly are.
This? Is about me. Is about my kids, my husband, my family. Our family. And you know what? It's long, long overdue.
2/10/09
Tantrums and Teeth Marks
OK, we're finally back in business! Seriously, when it rains, it pours. Cliche, I know, but oh so true! Things are finally looking up... did I mention finally? LOL
It's going to be 60 today, for starters~ yay! Windows are open, there's fresh, spring like air-complete with that rainy day smell- drifting through the house, airing it out. I hate having to be closed up through the winter. I think that no matter how you clean, light candles, etc., there's just a closed up smell that happens. Nothing beats the fresh air.
We got a new keyboard, which was a desperate need. Some of the keys were going crazy (I think someone spilled something on it... could have been coffee, maybe... but there is no proof of that, ok? Don't judge me.) and backspace was deleting paragraphs rather than letters or words.... it was a disaster. When it took me almost an hour to send an email, I was done with it. Blogging would have been ridiculous, and I'm sure I'd have used some very colorful language in the process. I have enough reason to do that, soooo... new keyboard, blogging.
Taylor is getting over a killer cold, and still cutting teeth. Molars this time. She's chewing on everything, which is a step up from chewing and snotting on everything, LOL, but she has started to chew on me. She hasn't figured out the whole biting, tantrum, bratty kid angle- she just wants to gnaw on everything. Including my arms, shoulders, neck.... the kid is a vampire. She HAS figured out the tantrum, but she's also realizing that I know the difference between the "oh my God I'm in pain/scared/sick" crying, and the "I want my way and want it NOW" wailing. Been there, done that kid, ok? Save it for someone who hasn't had two other toddlers.
I've always handled tantrums pretty much the same way. Once you can tell they aren't going to hurt themselves/someone else, I pay no attention whatsoever. I pick up a book, magazine, pretend to flip channels and watch TV... anything to show I'm not buying it. Of course, I'm watching out of the corner of my eye, but that worked wonders for Alyssa at that age. At first, it doesn't seem as if it will, because ignoring them? Reeeeaaallly pisses them off. But they do learn to calm down, which is a good thing. They do learn they won't get anywhere that way, which is better, and eventually, they no longer bother. I learned this with a LOT of trial and error, after figuring out that Alyssa did not have some exotic toddler disease that caused kicking, throwing herself around erratically and screaming as if someone had cut off a limb- she was simply pissed off. At me. Go figure...
That's only at home, though. I'm not ignoring a screaming kid in public. I'm also not pacifying my screaming child (or anyone else's, frankly) by giving in. I'm not that mom. I'm all for kids being able to express themselves and their feelings- good, bad, in between. I'm all for hearing why they disagree with me, or helping them to figure out how to handle situations, etc. I'm not for the freedom of expressing yourself by being an ass in the store. I've seen kids throwing tantrums in carts, in clothing racks, screaming, kicking, even cussing parents. And the parent gives in, gets them the toy, or whatever else the issue is about. ???? Uh.. yeah. THAT's helpful.
I know there are extreme cases, I know there are special needs kids (have one, remember?) and I've learned (the hard way) how to deal with Jake and possible outbursts in public. I've also learned to schedule trips out around things so there's less chance my kid(s) were/are going to lose their shit in the middle of the checkout or something. Don't take a hungry, tired or ill toddler out and expect them to sit serenely as you wander leisurely through aisles. Not happening.
I'm not an expert, but I always have the essentials. Never leave home without something to play with, drink, or snack on. Take a change of clothes and wipes, diapers/pull ups- the one time you don't? Your kid will projectile vomit, twice, in the middle of the Halloween display and you will want to crawl into a hole in the floor. Just a hypothetical, though.....
I think a lot of times, once they realize certain things, kids pull crap when we're visiting, on the phone, out somewhere, etc., because they honestly think we won't discipline them the same way, wanting to avoid looking like a "bad guy." I'd rather look like the bad guy than look like the parent with a spoiled brat kid, you know what I mean? I'm not threatening you with "when we get home"... dealing with it later? Pointless. Just deal with it, it won't happen as often. The kids need to see you the same wherever you are, you know what I mean? Again, learned the hard way, LOL.
It's different now that Alyssa and Jake older. Now it's more about taking away privleges than it is about "no" and slapping hands. I'm having to refresh my memory on toddlers, tantrums, all of that stuff. I'd forgotten how much I used to look forward to the afternoon naps, the bedtime routine, etc. I'd forgotten how many times you can say "no" in a day, or run to move them away from something they can't have... even though it is the ONLY thing in a room of toys they can't have, but want. I'd forgotten the way a toddler's lungs can keep going and going.. and going....
But I'd also forgotten the way it feels when they can finally hug you back, or laugh and jump around when they see you when they wake up. I'd forgotten the thrill of a new word or sound, or some other milestone that happened before you know it.
Yeah, it's busy, it's hectic and tiring. Frustrating too. I wouldn't trade it, though. This is the best right here, right now. Teeth marks and all.
It's going to be 60 today, for starters~ yay! Windows are open, there's fresh, spring like air-complete with that rainy day smell- drifting through the house, airing it out. I hate having to be closed up through the winter. I think that no matter how you clean, light candles, etc., there's just a closed up smell that happens. Nothing beats the fresh air.
We got a new keyboard, which was a desperate need. Some of the keys were going crazy (I think someone spilled something on it... could have been coffee, maybe... but there is no proof of that, ok? Don't judge me.) and backspace was deleting paragraphs rather than letters or words.... it was a disaster. When it took me almost an hour to send an email, I was done with it. Blogging would have been ridiculous, and I'm sure I'd have used some very colorful language in the process. I have enough reason to do that, soooo... new keyboard, blogging.
Taylor is getting over a killer cold, and still cutting teeth. Molars this time. She's chewing on everything, which is a step up from chewing and snotting on everything, LOL, but she has started to chew on me. She hasn't figured out the whole biting, tantrum, bratty kid angle- she just wants to gnaw on everything. Including my arms, shoulders, neck.... the kid is a vampire. She HAS figured out the tantrum, but she's also realizing that I know the difference between the "oh my God I'm in pain/scared/sick" crying, and the "I want my way and want it NOW" wailing. Been there, done that kid, ok? Save it for someone who hasn't had two other toddlers.
I've always handled tantrums pretty much the same way. Once you can tell they aren't going to hurt themselves/someone else, I pay no attention whatsoever. I pick up a book, magazine, pretend to flip channels and watch TV... anything to show I'm not buying it. Of course, I'm watching out of the corner of my eye, but that worked wonders for Alyssa at that age. At first, it doesn't seem as if it will, because ignoring them? Reeeeaaallly pisses them off. But they do learn to calm down, which is a good thing. They do learn they won't get anywhere that way, which is better, and eventually, they no longer bother. I learned this with a LOT of trial and error, after figuring out that Alyssa did not have some exotic toddler disease that caused kicking, throwing herself around erratically and screaming as if someone had cut off a limb- she was simply pissed off. At me. Go figure...
That's only at home, though. I'm not ignoring a screaming kid in public. I'm also not pacifying my screaming child (or anyone else's, frankly) by giving in. I'm not that mom. I'm all for kids being able to express themselves and their feelings- good, bad, in between. I'm all for hearing why they disagree with me, or helping them to figure out how to handle situations, etc. I'm not for the freedom of expressing yourself by being an ass in the store. I've seen kids throwing tantrums in carts, in clothing racks, screaming, kicking, even cussing parents. And the parent gives in, gets them the toy, or whatever else the issue is about. ???? Uh.. yeah. THAT's helpful.
I know there are extreme cases, I know there are special needs kids (have one, remember?) and I've learned (the hard way) how to deal with Jake and possible outbursts in public. I've also learned to schedule trips out around things so there's less chance my kid(s) were/are going to lose their shit in the middle of the checkout or something. Don't take a hungry, tired or ill toddler out and expect them to sit serenely as you wander leisurely through aisles. Not happening.
I'm not an expert, but I always have the essentials. Never leave home without something to play with, drink, or snack on. Take a change of clothes and wipes, diapers/pull ups- the one time you don't? Your kid will projectile vomit, twice, in the middle of the Halloween display and you will want to crawl into a hole in the floor. Just a hypothetical, though.....
I think a lot of times, once they realize certain things, kids pull crap when we're visiting, on the phone, out somewhere, etc., because they honestly think we won't discipline them the same way, wanting to avoid looking like a "bad guy." I'd rather look like the bad guy than look like the parent with a spoiled brat kid, you know what I mean? I'm not threatening you with "when we get home"... dealing with it later? Pointless. Just deal with it, it won't happen as often. The kids need to see you the same wherever you are, you know what I mean? Again, learned the hard way, LOL.
It's different now that Alyssa and Jake older. Now it's more about taking away privleges than it is about "no" and slapping hands. I'm having to refresh my memory on toddlers, tantrums, all of that stuff. I'd forgotten how much I used to look forward to the afternoon naps, the bedtime routine, etc. I'd forgotten how many times you can say "no" in a day, or run to move them away from something they can't have... even though it is the ONLY thing in a room of toys they can't have, but want. I'd forgotten the way a toddler's lungs can keep going and going.. and going....
But I'd also forgotten the way it feels when they can finally hug you back, or laugh and jump around when they see you when they wake up. I'd forgotten the thrill of a new word or sound, or some other milestone that happened before you know it.
Yeah, it's busy, it's hectic and tiring. Frustrating too. I wouldn't trade it, though. This is the best right here, right now. Teeth marks and all.
12/31/08
NYE Baby!
It's the last day of 2008 (duh). Resolutions anyone? And don't tell me you want to lose weight, stop smoking, eat better.... give me something besides those every year, broken after a couple weeks resolutions. I'm guilty of breaking some of those myself, as well as the cutting back on caffeine, junk food, etc. I've learned resolutions, much like rules, are made to be broken... or at least accidentally.
My resolutions? Since this last year has been one of the best I've had in a long time, and I think I've some out on the better side of things, emotionally, I'm going to stick with that. And keep moving forward. So, for 2009, it's all about laughing more, worrying less, and going with the flow. I'm going to take more pictures, go more places with my kids, and keep on this path I've started on. It's a good one, a healthy one, one I walked around and ignored for a really long time. It was like flipping a switch, though. Once the light was on, I couldn't turn it off. And now... now it's like it was always on.
That's not to say I'm Mary Sunshine, ok? I'm just more in the middle. The glass is half full. It really is, because even if it's half empty... it's equally full. Ya know? Perspective. And there are still plenty of days that are shitty, plenty of moments where I cry the ugly cry (every woman has an ugly cry, and if you've never seen one, consider yourself luckier than most people), when I scream and cuss and want to kick someone's ass. But I've learned those are moments that pass just like everything else. and hey, if you're mad as hell, you're feeling something, right? It takes passion to be that pissed off. It's when you can't find that passion anymore that there's a real problem.
Anyway. It's time to start a new year. I love it, the freshness of it, the "new beginning" vibe- kinda like that new car smell. Heh. It's a clean slate- 365 blank pages to fill however you choose. fill 'em with memories you'll enjoy looking back on. Seriously- get up every day with the intention of it being the best... it's all in the attitude, right? Right.
So, have a fantastic New Year's Eve, however you spend it. Be safe, whatever you do, wherever you go. Here's to the end of a wild ride.. and the beginning of the next!
And, seriously- did you think I'd slide out of 08 without it? Happy B-day, cutie pie. See ya next year!
My resolutions? Since this last year has been one of the best I've had in a long time, and I think I've some out on the better side of things, emotionally, I'm going to stick with that. And keep moving forward. So, for 2009, it's all about laughing more, worrying less, and going with the flow. I'm going to take more pictures, go more places with my kids, and keep on this path I've started on. It's a good one, a healthy one, one I walked around and ignored for a really long time. It was like flipping a switch, though. Once the light was on, I couldn't turn it off. And now... now it's like it was always on.
That's not to say I'm Mary Sunshine, ok? I'm just more in the middle. The glass is half full. It really is, because even if it's half empty... it's equally full. Ya know? Perspective. And there are still plenty of days that are shitty, plenty of moments where I cry the ugly cry (every woman has an ugly cry, and if you've never seen one, consider yourself luckier than most people), when I scream and cuss and want to kick someone's ass. But I've learned those are moments that pass just like everything else. and hey, if you're mad as hell, you're feeling something, right? It takes passion to be that pissed off. It's when you can't find that passion anymore that there's a real problem.
Anyway. It's time to start a new year. I love it, the freshness of it, the "new beginning" vibe- kinda like that new car smell. Heh. It's a clean slate- 365 blank pages to fill however you choose. fill 'em with memories you'll enjoy looking back on. Seriously- get up every day with the intention of it being the best... it's all in the attitude, right? Right.
So, have a fantastic New Year's Eve, however you spend it. Be safe, whatever you do, wherever you go. Here's to the end of a wild ride.. and the beginning of the next!
And, seriously- did you think I'd slide out of 08 without it? Happy B-day, cutie pie. See ya next year!
12/11/08
Pretty Paper....
I watch my kids watching me prepare for Christmas. Alyssa, especially, is taking it all in, soaking it up, mentally filing the things we do away in her memory, so she can someday incorporate these family traditions into her own family. They are all still young enough for Santa, reindeer and cookies, but I have a small ache in my heart at thinking this could be the last year Alyssa believes. She asked me about Santa, earlier in the week. My response was to ask her what she thought. She answered that she still believes in her heart, and that makes him real enough for her. She's a smart one, my oldest girl. Because it's true.
Santa is magic and cookies and anticipation.. and more magic. He's something that kept us awake, wriggling in excitement, hoping to catch a glimpse of Rudolph, or Blitzen, eating their carrots as Santa munched on cookies, putting everything we ever asked for under the Christmas tree. And, for me, Santa is as magical now as he was then. Maybe more so. I understand the thrill my parents got watching me on Christmas morning- watching my eyes widen, hearing me gasp or squeal in excitement. There's just nothing like it. Bottle it, sell it, you'd make a million, believe me. There is just nothing as good as kids on Christmas morning.
We've got our music, like I've said. And I've finally had my moment. I knew it was coming, I could feel it creeping up on me as I watched them, as I lit candles, decorated rooms, made lists of ingredients for cookies, fudge and the like. And when Willie Nelson's voice came through the speakers, singing to us about his pretty paper, his pretty ribbons of blue... I had to take a breath. Then another. Then let my kids see me cry. Because there are times they need to understand that sad is ok. And someday, a long time from now hopefully, they will feel the same- I miss my mom.
I can finally say it, and feel it, for the first time, really. Whether that makes me cold, indifferent, whatever, there it is. Because of the past, the way our relationship was, it's been hard to miss her. To let go of the negative things she instilled in me, all the things she did to my friends, my life... someday I'll tell you more about that. For now, we will just say she was not an easy woman to live with, deal with. I never felt close to her as I got older, I felt trapped by her. I was afraid of her. But this year, seeing all the kids, I guess I can find a common ground with her.
She loved me, I know that. It wasn't a healthy love,but it was there. She decorated the way she did for me, for making the memories we did. The ones that stick, the ones I've brought to my own family. The ones that are warm and comfy, easy to smile at.. and I guess now, easy to cry for.
I miss being that young, coming in from school and seeing the lights, the decorations, the tree. I miss sitting with my Dad on Christmas Eve and morning, opening gifts and laughing. I miss the innocence and wonder I see in my own childrens' eyes. And I'm thankful, for all those Christmases my parents made so memorable and so magical. for having that to pass down, no matter what else is happening in the world around us. For twinkling lights, cookies, carrots, and most of all, for all that pretty paper.
Santa is magic and cookies and anticipation.. and more magic. He's something that kept us awake, wriggling in excitement, hoping to catch a glimpse of Rudolph, or Blitzen, eating their carrots as Santa munched on cookies, putting everything we ever asked for under the Christmas tree. And, for me, Santa is as magical now as he was then. Maybe more so. I understand the thrill my parents got watching me on Christmas morning- watching my eyes widen, hearing me gasp or squeal in excitement. There's just nothing like it. Bottle it, sell it, you'd make a million, believe me. There is just nothing as good as kids on Christmas morning.
We've got our music, like I've said. And I've finally had my moment. I knew it was coming, I could feel it creeping up on me as I watched them, as I lit candles, decorated rooms, made lists of ingredients for cookies, fudge and the like. And when Willie Nelson's voice came through the speakers, singing to us about his pretty paper, his pretty ribbons of blue... I had to take a breath. Then another. Then let my kids see me cry. Because there are times they need to understand that sad is ok. And someday, a long time from now hopefully, they will feel the same- I miss my mom.
I can finally say it, and feel it, for the first time, really. Whether that makes me cold, indifferent, whatever, there it is. Because of the past, the way our relationship was, it's been hard to miss her. To let go of the negative things she instilled in me, all the things she did to my friends, my life... someday I'll tell you more about that. For now, we will just say she was not an easy woman to live with, deal with. I never felt close to her as I got older, I felt trapped by her. I was afraid of her. But this year, seeing all the kids, I guess I can find a common ground with her.
She loved me, I know that. It wasn't a healthy love,but it was there. She decorated the way she did for me, for making the memories we did. The ones that stick, the ones I've brought to my own family. The ones that are warm and comfy, easy to smile at.. and I guess now, easy to cry for.
I miss being that young, coming in from school and seeing the lights, the decorations, the tree. I miss sitting with my Dad on Christmas Eve and morning, opening gifts and laughing. I miss the innocence and wonder I see in my own childrens' eyes. And I'm thankful, for all those Christmases my parents made so memorable and so magical. for having that to pass down, no matter what else is happening in the world around us. For twinkling lights, cookies, carrots, and most of all, for all that pretty paper.
11/14/08
Sunny Day, Sweeping the Clouds Away....
It's almost party time here at Casa Diva. Tomorrow, Miss T turns the big 1. She is, of course, having a party revolving around her favorite thing of the moment. I'm a theme junkie, I can't help it. With Lyss, it was Bear in the Big Blue House. Jake was Bob the Builder. These were steady, all encompassing loves for each of them, easy to pick, easy to plan. As always, Taylor has been a different kind of kid. She has had no all powerful love, like her sister and brother before her. She was briefly attached to Dora and Deigo, then Yo Gabba Gabba (and oh my God that is the scariest kids' show I have EVER seen). She's a finicky one, my T. But she has now discovered Sesame Street, and she is more entertained and fascinated than I've ever seen her. She absolutely adores Ernie, and is delighted by his laugh, his games, his voice. She loves Big Bird and pays a little attention to Elmo. But Ernie is her main guy right now, besides her Daddy. And man, does she try to imitate him. She has learned to point her finger, to attempt mimicking his laugh (and cracking up every time I do it) and to mimic a dog panting (which sounds a little obscene phone caller at times, but is very very cute.)
So, we are giving her the Street. Prepare yourself for the absolute cuteness of the pictures to come. We're doing her party at J's mom's house, because it's easier for everyone, and large enough to hold us all, LOL. We have the Sesame cake, decorations and assorted gifts that will surely be a hit with the Birthday Girl. I can't wait to see the realization that it's all for her. That's always a priceless moment, because at this age, they don't know to look forward to a party, or to gifts.
I've started and stopped a few posts about her upcoming birthday. I've come to realize that I simply can't write a sentimental letter to her and post it on the internet. I feel that's hers alone to have. And I love reading the letters to kids from moms- I think it's terrific to be that open online. I guess I am more private. Not in my love for her, or any of my kids. That I'll shout from the rooftops. But I am private, I suppose, in the journey I have taken the last few years- especially during my pregnancy and the first year of T's life.
I have grown with her, I'll say that much. I'm not the same person I was when I carried her, or the person I was the first few months of her life. That is a good thing, for everyone. I can't take credit for it, though. Taylor came into my life at a time I needed to wake up. To a lot of things. And she has changed my life, all of our lives, in a lot of ways I would never take back. For anything, for anyone. Having her has shown me things about myself I never knew, given me a perspective that broke my heart and gave me strength at the same time. All I can really say is 29-30 is a very different mindset than early 20's, when it comes to really seeing.
Here is to my last first birthday baby. My special, special girl who makes me laugh like I haven't laughed in years. The independent girl who looks so much like her big sister it amazes me. The walking, laughing totally her own person baby who dances to her own beat (although she loves her some "Single" by her Mommy's favorite guys) .
There were a lot of times I asked myself "why", about a number of things. But now I know. All of this led me, led all of us, to this final piece in our puzzle. This perfect little person who makes all of our days better. Finally, I think we get it. And regardless of how we got her, regardless of where we go.... it was worth every mile.
So, we are giving her the Street. Prepare yourself for the absolute cuteness of the pictures to come. We're doing her party at J's mom's house, because it's easier for everyone, and large enough to hold us all, LOL. We have the Sesame cake, decorations and assorted gifts that will surely be a hit with the Birthday Girl. I can't wait to see the realization that it's all for her. That's always a priceless moment, because at this age, they don't know to look forward to a party, or to gifts.
I've started and stopped a few posts about her upcoming birthday. I've come to realize that I simply can't write a sentimental letter to her and post it on the internet. I feel that's hers alone to have. And I love reading the letters to kids from moms- I think it's terrific to be that open online. I guess I am more private. Not in my love for her, or any of my kids. That I'll shout from the rooftops. But I am private, I suppose, in the journey I have taken the last few years- especially during my pregnancy and the first year of T's life.
I have grown with her, I'll say that much. I'm not the same person I was when I carried her, or the person I was the first few months of her life. That is a good thing, for everyone. I can't take credit for it, though. Taylor came into my life at a time I needed to wake up. To a lot of things. And she has changed my life, all of our lives, in a lot of ways I would never take back. For anything, for anyone. Having her has shown me things about myself I never knew, given me a perspective that broke my heart and gave me strength at the same time. All I can really say is 29-30 is a very different mindset than early 20's, when it comes to really seeing.
Here is to my last first birthday baby. My special, special girl who makes me laugh like I haven't laughed in years. The independent girl who looks so much like her big sister it amazes me. The walking, laughing totally her own person baby who dances to her own beat (although she loves her some "Single" by her Mommy's favorite guys) .
There were a lot of times I asked myself "why", about a number of things. But now I know. All of this led me, led all of us, to this final piece in our puzzle. This perfect little person who makes all of our days better. Finally, I think we get it. And regardless of how we got her, regardless of where we go.... it was worth every mile.
10/21/08
Pic-a-palooza!!!
It's been awhile since I plastered the kiddos' mugs on here, and I figured it was past time. blogger is being uncooperative (has been a lot for me lately?) about posting a lot of pics in one post, so this will have to do. For now! Tomorrow there will be more, and there will be blood, gore... and Steelers cheerleaders! Wanna know? You'll have to come and see...
But for now, I give you the monsters, LOL
Taylor, enjoying her bath. she's developed the need for splash time lately, drenching everything in reach- usually me! :)
Jake, faking a smile for the ever hated camera. LOL I force him, because someday I'll want more than a random shot to look back on!
Alyssa with the ever present Barbie (they vary, but there is usually one or more in hand, or within reach.. and the drama these women live through! Good Lord!) Also present, the resident lion-cat, Dizz. LOL
Miss T, sporting her Dad's Steelers hat. This is before she took it off and tried to eat it!
One of my favorites.
Miss Lyss and the ever present Dizzle. she claimed at the time she couldn't feel her chest anymore- I don't think it looks like he cares much, huh?
But for now, I give you the monsters, LOL
Taylor, enjoying her bath. she's developed the need for splash time lately, drenching everything in reach- usually me! :)
Jake, faking a smile for the ever hated camera. LOL I force him, because someday I'll want more than a random shot to look back on!
Alyssa with the ever present Barbie (they vary, but there is usually one or more in hand, or within reach.. and the drama these women live through! Good Lord!) Also present, the resident lion-cat, Dizz. LOL
Miss T, sporting her Dad's Steelers hat. This is before she took it off and tried to eat it!
One of my favorites.
Miss Lyss and the ever present Dizzle. she claimed at the time she couldn't feel her chest anymore- I don't think it looks like he cares much, huh?
This is the first of many, I'm sure. Lot of holidays and birthdays in the next few months- brace yourself for the cuteness!
10/20/08
Ramble, Ramble, Ramble....
I want to start this post off with a big congrats to J, who, over the weekend, became Sports Editor over at Crave Online. Crave is a pretty cool site, if you have never checked it out. they cover sports, comics, movies... they run the gamut of topics over there, and the articles are entertaining and informed. check them out! J has written for them freelance for over a year now, starting with comics, then adding sports to the mix. Now, he's moved up the ladder in the sports area and I can't think of anyone better for the job. The man loves sports, and writes one hell of an article. Pop over there and have a look around- I guarantee that there's something there for you to enjoy.
Next up- I've decided, after months of thinking and procrastinating, to attempt NaBloPoMo for November. Probably because there is no theme. I know myself well enough to realize writing daily, with a theme, would drive me insane. I most likely could not do it, or would claw my face off trying to do it. Writing every day, even on weekends, will be enough of a challenge for me right now, but something that I need to get back into doing. The creative juices are not flowing as freely as they once did (damn the flowage), and I'm hoping winter finds me typing away at something besides the blog, you know? Head over there as well and check it out- it's a fun community to join! And an interesting way to exercise your writing skills, even if those include rambling on and occasionally posting pictures of your cat wearing children's clothing. **cough**
Next month is Taylor's first birthday- I can barely believe it! I'm not planning a huge party- just a family- friends type event here at home, like we did for Alyssa and Jake. I am planning a lot of decorations and things to make it fun for her, and am trying to settle on a theme. The kids' parties have always been themed, but Miss T doesn't really have one thing she favors more, character or toy wise. She's bound and determined to be unique, this teething, non sleeping last baby baby of mine, and she is excelling. LOL So I'm thinking of just doing a theme of my own. Pastels, a few brighter colors, some girly things... something fun, memorable, and non cheesy, like a lot of the first birthday decor sets I'm seeing. Any ideas?
I'm anxious to see where she falls in the first cake category. Alyssa refused to touch her cake. She hated sweets of any kind until she was about three, and on her 1st, i was the one who put her fingers in the frosting... and then dabbed some on her nose and face thinking it would be cute, and she'd see it tasted yummy. It apparently was NOT yummy, and the photos show her crying hysterically as we rush to wipe the poison evil of sugar from her face and hands. I remember her flailing her hands in the air, screeching at the injustice of me trying to give her frosting and cake.
Jake, on the other hand... LOL. Jake tore his cake up. And then became territorial and swiped at anyone attempting to clean him off, remove the cake, etc... it was hysterical. He was covered by the time he was done. He tested it warily at first, and then plowed in, got it EVERYWHERE, got tired and proceeded to rub his face and head with his cake hands. The final pic of that we have is him leaning away from J, glaring as he approached to remove him from the demolition site. It took forever to get the frosting off of him, even in the bath. That stuff is like glue in hair.
So, I'm excited and a little sad. First birthdays are bittersweet. My baby is heading for toddler land, and soon the snuggles and games are going to change. The babbles will be real words and sentences, the crawling and pulling up will be walking, then running. The still gummy smiles will be filled with actual teeth, and the little curls will be longer and lose that baby fine texture. I don't really miss those early weeks and months, but there's a longing nonetheless. I miss the idea of doing it again, I suppose. The possibility.
But I look at all three of them, in their various stages and ones they've gone through, and I can say I am content with things as they are. Because there may be times I'll miss the small, sweet babies they used to be, I can watch them change, grow, become their own people and see so many possibilities.
I was going to touch on politics today, but it doesn't seem the post for it. Next time, maybe, when I can take time to really think about how I want to say things. For now, I'll leave you guys with this- pick a memory. A good one! Now, take a few minutes to be nostalgic- remember something that will give you the warm fuzzies all over. Whether it's your first kiss, your first baby, your first.. heh... take a few minutes to look back and remember- you are where you are, in part, because of that very moment. Weird, huh? Now, think of a not so good memory- and it's the same thing. You wouldn't be where you are without either. Think about that. what did you learn? How did it shape you? What did you walk away from it with, what did you leave behind?
Just food for thought.....
Next up- I've decided, after months of thinking and procrastinating, to attempt NaBloPoMo for November. Probably because there is no theme. I know myself well enough to realize writing daily, with a theme, would drive me insane. I most likely could not do it, or would claw my face off trying to do it. Writing every day, even on weekends, will be enough of a challenge for me right now, but something that I need to get back into doing. The creative juices are not flowing as freely as they once did (damn the flowage), and I'm hoping winter finds me typing away at something besides the blog, you know? Head over there as well and check it out- it's a fun community to join! And an interesting way to exercise your writing skills, even if those include rambling on and occasionally posting pictures of your cat wearing children's clothing. **cough**
Next month is Taylor's first birthday- I can barely believe it! I'm not planning a huge party- just a family- friends type event here at home, like we did for Alyssa and Jake. I am planning a lot of decorations and things to make it fun for her, and am trying to settle on a theme. The kids' parties have always been themed, but Miss T doesn't really have one thing she favors more, character or toy wise. She's bound and determined to be unique, this teething, non sleeping last baby baby of mine, and she is excelling. LOL So I'm thinking of just doing a theme of my own. Pastels, a few brighter colors, some girly things... something fun, memorable, and non cheesy, like a lot of the first birthday decor sets I'm seeing. Any ideas?
I'm anxious to see where she falls in the first cake category. Alyssa refused to touch her cake. She hated sweets of any kind until she was about three, and on her 1st, i was the one who put her fingers in the frosting... and then dabbed some on her nose and face thinking it would be cute, and she'd see it tasted yummy. It apparently was NOT yummy, and the photos show her crying hysterically as we rush to wipe the poison evil of sugar from her face and hands. I remember her flailing her hands in the air, screeching at the injustice of me trying to give her frosting and cake.
Jake, on the other hand... LOL. Jake tore his cake up. And then became territorial and swiped at anyone attempting to clean him off, remove the cake, etc... it was hysterical. He was covered by the time he was done. He tested it warily at first, and then plowed in, got it EVERYWHERE, got tired and proceeded to rub his face and head with his cake hands. The final pic of that we have is him leaning away from J, glaring as he approached to remove him from the demolition site. It took forever to get the frosting off of him, even in the bath. That stuff is like glue in hair.
So, I'm excited and a little sad. First birthdays are bittersweet. My baby is heading for toddler land, and soon the snuggles and games are going to change. The babbles will be real words and sentences, the crawling and pulling up will be walking, then running. The still gummy smiles will be filled with actual teeth, and the little curls will be longer and lose that baby fine texture. I don't really miss those early weeks and months, but there's a longing nonetheless. I miss the idea of doing it again, I suppose. The possibility.
But I look at all three of them, in their various stages and ones they've gone through, and I can say I am content with things as they are. Because there may be times I'll miss the small, sweet babies they used to be, I can watch them change, grow, become their own people and see so many possibilities.
I was going to touch on politics today, but it doesn't seem the post for it. Next time, maybe, when I can take time to really think about how I want to say things. For now, I'll leave you guys with this- pick a memory. A good one! Now, take a few minutes to be nostalgic- remember something that will give you the warm fuzzies all over. Whether it's your first kiss, your first baby, your first.. heh... take a few minutes to look back and remember- you are where you are, in part, because of that very moment. Weird, huh? Now, think of a not so good memory- and it's the same thing. You wouldn't be where you are without either. Think about that. what did you learn? How did it shape you? What did you walk away from it with, what did you leave behind?
Just food for thought.....
10/6/08
Back To Reality
I hate Mondays. Not saying anything that you've never heard before, I'm sure. But this Monday especially? Was slam back into reality. I feel that we are preparing for the biggest hurdle yet (and we've had our share of biggies, believe me), and I hate that this is happening. I hate that Jake is going through this, that he has to keep going through this.
We go later in the week so he can be formally interviewed, with recordings, because the report I filed has been accepted and is being investigated. If he were to return to school, this teacher is not allowed to be with him unsupervised at any time. He is not returning- there's been too much damage done now, and he is too afraid. A caseworker from CS came to the house today, to talk with him, and he was too scared to share anything with her. Because his teacher would hurt him. His words. I got him to talk about it again with me, before she came, to ease him into talking freely about it. When he realized he would have to talk about it with someone else, he panicked. He was crying, running, trying to hide. He didn't want to tell, because (insert name here) will be bad to him, she's bad to him. He was in full melt down mode for almost half an hour.
I am heartsick. This could explain his anxiety of late, the whining and crying that he couldn't explain. And I've been sending him into that situation, daily. He's confused, afraid, worried... he wants to go to school. He doesn't want to leave the house. He wants his friends. He does not want to see her. He thinks it is his fault, that he did something wrong and is being punished. And making him understand is almost impossible.
I want this woman in the worst way, and I hate feeling like that. I hate this boiling anger that I'm carrying inside of me now. I am almost sick with the rage that I have- but that's normal, considering what Jake's going through and been through. I want to know why, though, and I doubt that's an answer we'll get. I think it's because of a lot of things- most importantly being the fact that I didn't drop it when push came to shove. How could I though? He's my child. And when it comes to my kids? I will never drop it, whatever "it" happens to be at the moment.
The thought of all of it makes me physically ill. I feel like I enabled someone to mistreat him, to lie on him, to bully him, to scare him. To possibly have hurt him. Scar him. And most of all, confuse him. Because he doesn't get it. He sees a person of authority shouting at him, and then he isn't back in school. He figures it's his fault. And that alone- some of the things he has said- makes me wonder exactly what goes on in there. Special needs kids are easy victims- they trust and believe people very easily. Or aren't believed when they speak up. Think about it- if it comes down to he said/she said, you have a teacher who is trained to work with special needs.... and an autistic, bi-polar six year old. How easy would it be to brush off his stories as fantasy? As imagination? And those are words this teacher has used on every occasion I've been around her- about every kid she's dealing with. Play acting, imaginative, story tellers, little actors, liars... as if they are totally unbelievable. Maybe she counts on those seeds she plants. I'm willing to bet that she does.
And I'm not saying he hasn't had some fantastic tales- but those are very obvious. And like I've said before- when he is lying, you can tell. He skips from moment to moment, story to story, and simply cannot remember what he's said or not said. When he tells you something over and over again? He's telling you the truth. He wouldn't remember otherwise.
I want this to go away. For him. For all of us, to get back into some normalcy, some routine. But I am willing to risk every piece of "normal" to prove that I will never stop, when it comes to my children. I will continue to fight for him, any of them, every second of every day, until their world is right again.
Because that fear in his eyes? Kills me. It sickens me, angers me, tears at my heart in a way that nothing ever has before. His confusion, his worry, his behavior changes? Are keeping me moving, searching, learning every angle on this sort of situation. I'm looking into every possible step that can be taken to make sure this never, ever happens again. To him, or to anyone else.
Because I can guarantee two things. Jake is not the first kid she's done this to- there's just no way. He will, however, be the last. I'm going to make sure of that.
We go later in the week so he can be formally interviewed, with recordings, because the report I filed has been accepted and is being investigated. If he were to return to school, this teacher is not allowed to be with him unsupervised at any time. He is not returning- there's been too much damage done now, and he is too afraid. A caseworker from CS came to the house today, to talk with him, and he was too scared to share anything with her. Because his teacher would hurt him. His words. I got him to talk about it again with me, before she came, to ease him into talking freely about it. When he realized he would have to talk about it with someone else, he panicked. He was crying, running, trying to hide. He didn't want to tell, because (insert name here) will be bad to him, she's bad to him. He was in full melt down mode for almost half an hour.
I am heartsick. This could explain his anxiety of late, the whining and crying that he couldn't explain. And I've been sending him into that situation, daily. He's confused, afraid, worried... he wants to go to school. He doesn't want to leave the house. He wants his friends. He does not want to see her. He thinks it is his fault, that he did something wrong and is being punished. And making him understand is almost impossible.
I want this woman in the worst way, and I hate feeling like that. I hate this boiling anger that I'm carrying inside of me now. I am almost sick with the rage that I have- but that's normal, considering what Jake's going through and been through. I want to know why, though, and I doubt that's an answer we'll get. I think it's because of a lot of things- most importantly being the fact that I didn't drop it when push came to shove. How could I though? He's my child. And when it comes to my kids? I will never drop it, whatever "it" happens to be at the moment.
The thought of all of it makes me physically ill. I feel like I enabled someone to mistreat him, to lie on him, to bully him, to scare him. To possibly have hurt him. Scar him. And most of all, confuse him. Because he doesn't get it. He sees a person of authority shouting at him, and then he isn't back in school. He figures it's his fault. And that alone- some of the things he has said- makes me wonder exactly what goes on in there. Special needs kids are easy victims- they trust and believe people very easily. Or aren't believed when they speak up. Think about it- if it comes down to he said/she said, you have a teacher who is trained to work with special needs.... and an autistic, bi-polar six year old. How easy would it be to brush off his stories as fantasy? As imagination? And those are words this teacher has used on every occasion I've been around her- about every kid she's dealing with. Play acting, imaginative, story tellers, little actors, liars... as if they are totally unbelievable. Maybe she counts on those seeds she plants. I'm willing to bet that she does.
And I'm not saying he hasn't had some fantastic tales- but those are very obvious. And like I've said before- when he is lying, you can tell. He skips from moment to moment, story to story, and simply cannot remember what he's said or not said. When he tells you something over and over again? He's telling you the truth. He wouldn't remember otherwise.
I want this to go away. For him. For all of us, to get back into some normalcy, some routine. But I am willing to risk every piece of "normal" to prove that I will never stop, when it comes to my children. I will continue to fight for him, any of them, every second of every day, until their world is right again.
Because that fear in his eyes? Kills me. It sickens me, angers me, tears at my heart in a way that nothing ever has before. His confusion, his worry, his behavior changes? Are keeping me moving, searching, learning every angle on this sort of situation. I'm looking into every possible step that can be taken to make sure this never, ever happens again. To him, or to anyone else.
Because I can guarantee two things. Jake is not the first kid she's done this to- there's just no way. He will, however, be the last. I'm going to make sure of that.
10/5/08
Simply Amazing
I'm sitting here trying to think of the perfect title for this post, and coming up with nothing, absolutely nothing, that could sum up everything I want to say. I'm not sure I can even put it into words, to describe it for you, Internet. As much as I want to tell you, there are some experiences that simply have no words, or maybe words just aren't enough. I don't know. But, I'm still riding the wave, still walking with my feet off the ground. I'll tell you right now that I didn't take nearly as many pics as I intended- once I was there, I just wanted to watch.
I left with Tami on Friday morning, heading for Cleveland and the boys. We were both excited, and we listened to NKOTB all the way there. We got into the hotel, met up with outr roomies, some other fans, and started to get ready. then we hit Hard Rock and had some food and drinks. Damn they have strong drinks- we all quit with one. LOL Tami was at her meet and greet (lucky gal, I heard it was fantastic) so we were all hanging out- the Blockheads had taken over Hard Rock. We were everywhere. It was amazing to see all the shirts, buttons, even dolls that people had. There was almost a hum, we were all so excited. EVERYWHERE we went that day, we ran into other fans. It was non stop. We seemed to be all over Tower City, just waiting.
me, before getting ready @ the hotel
Then it was time. We headed to the arena, and it was on. I took some pics of Cavs stuff for J, bought a beer with Amber, and walked in to scope out the seating.
Looking out over the arena
That was when I cried a little. It was finally REALLY hitting me- I really was there, in the same building, and in an hour or so, these men would be on stage. It was surreal, and that feeling never went away- I don't think it has yet.
My seats were CLOSE. They had spread it out enough that my section ended up behind Section 1, which put me closer to the stage than I'd thought. 1, 2 and 3 were in the first rows, stretched out all along the side. I was an aisle seat.... which worked out somewhat interestingly as the evening wore on. Heh.
Colby O'Donis was on first and he was pretty good. Then came Natasha Bedingfield. I love her anyway, so that was enjoyable for me. By the end of her set, the energy and excitement was palpable- you could just about reach out and touch it. There was a good 10-15 minute wait in between, and when the lights went down again, we all went wild. then they started, and I did everything I swore I wasn't going to. LOL I screamed like a horror movie queen. I jumped up and down like friggin Tigger on crack. i waved my arms, I pumped my fists. And it was that way for the whole two hours they performed. It was insane. But in a good way.
Spelling out "NKOTB" before they come up through to the stage
"Single"
"Let my song get ya higher"
"Grown Man"
- They opened with "Single", blended into "My Favorite Girl". I was enthralled, all the way through the "Didn't I Blow Your Mind/Valentine Girl" medley. And then, then I saw a familiar video flash on the huge screen they had on the stage. The familiar music started and I was totally lost. "Please Don't Go Girl" is my song, always has been. Seeing my favorite guy sing my favorite song? Absolutely priceless. That was the point, five songs in, when i thought the night couldn't get any better. I was wrong. LOL Amazingly, I hadn't cried yet. I think i was too excited to at that point. Although, i bounced like I had a spring in my ass all through PDGG, hands fisted in my hair for a time, then waving like a maniac as I continued to jump. If that poor man saw me, he was probably frightened. I shit you not.
**Blogger is being a shit right now, and will not let me upload more pics at the moment. I'll post more, promise. **
The best part was yet to come. LOL There is a second stage on this tour, in the middle of the crowd. That's where they do "2 in the Morning", "Dirty Dancing" (good GOD!!!!) and "Tonight". Joe's wearing his old school smiley face jacket... you know you remember this jacket. That was when I jumped up on my chair to watch and take pics. Security made me get down. LOL
And when they were done? They walked back to the main stage. Right past me, to the main stage. Less than five feet away from me. I missed Danny, brushed Jordan's wrist, Donnie's wrist/hand , and then Joe's. He semi winked at me, and this is when I got lucky. Lucky I wasn't taken down by security, that is. I grabbed his wrist, and somehow ended up in the aisle, sort of behind him, still holding onto him. I'm seriously lucky that he didn't toss me off, or that security didn't. I can fit my hand around his wrist. And I immediately texted J to tell him I'd touched him. Then I texted again to say I'd grabbed him. LOL
I swear to God I'm not a psycho fan, and thanks so much for not having me arrested, or throwing my hand off of you. I was simply overwhelmed at that point, and had a moment. LOL
I made it till "I'll Be Loving You (Forever)" without crying, and have NO idea why that song made me cry! I cried through stay the Same (got an AWESOME pic of that, and will definitely share that with all of you) and lost it again during Hangin Tough, when I turned and looked all around the arena. Every arm, from the fist seats all the way to the very top row, was waving in the air. That was an amazing moment for me, seeing that.
All in all? Best show I've ever seen. All five of them were having a ball, everyone seemed in tune, comfortable and just super relaxed. Donnie cried a little when he spoke to the crowd, and even though they are always saying this city or that is the loudest? When they said we were louder than Boston, I thought the roof was going to collapse from the noise. And the last words? "Ohio, we love ya.... See ya next year."
Yes, yes you will. I can't wait to do it again. I'd do it again today. There just isn't any way to properly describe the experience, and if I tried, I'd come off sounding like an idiot. It really is magic, the way they interact with one another, with the crowd. They truly have an appreciation for their fans, a humility, that is very very touching. Being told that this experience has gotten a man through a rough year, the ending of a marriage, means a lot. Sound odd? Not to me, because maybe now they finally understand what they did for us, still do in some ways. Maybe now we are their escape as much as they were ever ours.
All in all, it was the best time. the city was great, seeing sights, etc., was fun. But for that show? For that two hours, I'd have done almost anything. It was unbelievable, still is, that I was really there. It honestly was a long time coming, and it proved to me that sometimes the best things in life don't happen once in a lifetime. Sometimes, they happen twice.
The best part was yet to come. LOL There is a second stage on this tour, in the middle of the crowd. That's where they do "2 in the Morning", "Dirty Dancing" (good GOD!!!!) and "Tonight". Joe's wearing his old school smiley face jacket... you know you remember this jacket. That was when I jumped up on my chair to watch and take pics. Security made me get down. LOL
And when they were done? They walked back to the main stage. Right past me, to the main stage. Less than five feet away from me. I missed Danny, brushed Jordan's wrist, Donnie's wrist/hand , and then Joe's. He semi winked at me, and this is when I got lucky. Lucky I wasn't taken down by security, that is. I grabbed his wrist, and somehow ended up in the aisle, sort of behind him, still holding onto him. I'm seriously lucky that he didn't toss me off, or that security didn't. I can fit my hand around his wrist. And I immediately texted J to tell him I'd touched him. Then I texted again to say I'd grabbed him. LOL
I swear to God I'm not a psycho fan, and thanks so much for not having me arrested, or throwing my hand off of you. I was simply overwhelmed at that point, and had a moment. LOL
I made it till "I'll Be Loving You (Forever)" without crying, and have NO idea why that song made me cry! I cried through stay the Same (got an AWESOME pic of that, and will definitely share that with all of you) and lost it again during Hangin Tough, when I turned and looked all around the arena. Every arm, from the fist seats all the way to the very top row, was waving in the air. That was an amazing moment for me, seeing that.
All in all? Best show I've ever seen. All five of them were having a ball, everyone seemed in tune, comfortable and just super relaxed. Donnie cried a little when he spoke to the crowd, and even though they are always saying this city or that is the loudest? When they said we were louder than Boston, I thought the roof was going to collapse from the noise. And the last words? "Ohio, we love ya.... See ya next year."
Yes, yes you will. I can't wait to do it again. I'd do it again today. There just isn't any way to properly describe the experience, and if I tried, I'd come off sounding like an idiot. It really is magic, the way they interact with one another, with the crowd. They truly have an appreciation for their fans, a humility, that is very very touching. Being told that this experience has gotten a man through a rough year, the ending of a marriage, means a lot. Sound odd? Not to me, because maybe now they finally understand what they did for us, still do in some ways. Maybe now we are their escape as much as they were ever ours.
All in all, it was the best time. the city was great, seeing sights, etc., was fun. But for that show? For that two hours, I'd have done almost anything. It was unbelievable, still is, that I was really there. It honestly was a long time coming, and it proved to me that sometimes the best things in life don't happen once in a lifetime. Sometimes, they happen twice.
9/26/08
Resolutions
Today was my meeting with CS, the superintendent and principal, trying to find a middle ground on the situation that occurred, trying to make my peace with it. I went into it feeling negative, I admit. But I left feeling a lot lighter than when I went in.
I will also admit freely that I did go in there with a plan. I took a complete timeline of the incidents revolving around Jacob and the school, typed out and printed- one copy for CS, one for the superintendent. I'm a very hands on mom, and I wanted to get that point across- when it comes to any of these kids, I'm not in the dark. I know, because I know them. Especially where Jake is concerned, I feel that i need to document, keep little notes with dates and issues, so that when something does arise, I'm ready. Besides that, I went in there with one intention- to humanize him. To make sure that my son had a personality, a face, etc., and was more than just a number on a file. For everyone. I explained his quirks, his behaviors, his reactions- I made sure they knew Jake as a person before that meeting was over.
And that was apparently the best move. Had i gone in there combative, it would have blown up in my face, I think. The way things were handled in there are really not anything I can complain about. No, nothing done or said can erase the error, but it can ease it some. Being on the same page, working toward the same goals, all with his best interest in mind, is all I truly want. And I feel I got that.
There was admission of confusion, of not following all procedure, and there were sincere apologies, with tears, that came with it. No one wanted anything more than to clear the air, and begin to help Jake to accomplish all he is possibly able to. And that satisfies me.
I was commended for my hands on parenting, my observations and awareness, as well as complimented on my note taking (I am apparently intelligent with a firm grasp of language, and am I a writer? ) Their surprise made my heart ache, but I understand it. Coming from the preschool we did, the special needs group Jake was in, you see all sorts of things when dropping off, picking up, etc. and there really are a lot of parents who aren't involved, probably because they are so emotionally exhausted and heartsick that they feel unable to handle anymore. But, if you aren't going to battle for your child, to push for every opportunity for them... who will? I don't think about it as doing something extra- he's my child, I'm going to push and poke for every single bit of anything I can get to help him, to get him into a situation where he can succeed. That's my job. It has nothing to do with being "strong", it is just simply what is and what has to be.
That made me think a lot though, being in there, telling our story from beginning to end. About before diagnosis, fighting for someone to pay attention. During diagnosis, after.. and all the ups and downs that come with it. We really, really need more resources and tools available to schools, communities, etc. I'm tentatively (thanks to J's mom) thinking of attempting some sort of organization for awareness of Autism as well as Early On-Set BiPolar disorder. I'm thinking fundraisers, non profit... and the more I think on it, the more it sounds like something we need in our community. Autism, especially, is a baffling disability. We need more research, we need more education for teachers, schools, churches, social services... why can't we have that? And why can't I get that ball rolling?
It's just something I'm toying with, thinking about. But, if we could find a way to have a fundraiser around April (National Autism Awareness Month), those proceeds could go toward the beginning of a non profit. A support group...something to raise awareness and inspire people to help out, to get to know more, to find ways to be involved.
What do you think?
I will also admit freely that I did go in there with a plan. I took a complete timeline of the incidents revolving around Jacob and the school, typed out and printed- one copy for CS, one for the superintendent. I'm a very hands on mom, and I wanted to get that point across- when it comes to any of these kids, I'm not in the dark. I know, because I know them. Especially where Jake is concerned, I feel that i need to document, keep little notes with dates and issues, so that when something does arise, I'm ready. Besides that, I went in there with one intention- to humanize him. To make sure that my son had a personality, a face, etc., and was more than just a number on a file. For everyone. I explained his quirks, his behaviors, his reactions- I made sure they knew Jake as a person before that meeting was over.
And that was apparently the best move. Had i gone in there combative, it would have blown up in my face, I think. The way things were handled in there are really not anything I can complain about. No, nothing done or said can erase the error, but it can ease it some. Being on the same page, working toward the same goals, all with his best interest in mind, is all I truly want. And I feel I got that.
There was admission of confusion, of not following all procedure, and there were sincere apologies, with tears, that came with it. No one wanted anything more than to clear the air, and begin to help Jake to accomplish all he is possibly able to. And that satisfies me.
I was commended for my hands on parenting, my observations and awareness, as well as complimented on my note taking (I am apparently intelligent with a firm grasp of language, and am I a writer? ) Their surprise made my heart ache, but I understand it. Coming from the preschool we did, the special needs group Jake was in, you see all sorts of things when dropping off, picking up, etc. and there really are a lot of parents who aren't involved, probably because they are so emotionally exhausted and heartsick that they feel unable to handle anymore. But, if you aren't going to battle for your child, to push for every opportunity for them... who will? I don't think about it as doing something extra- he's my child, I'm going to push and poke for every single bit of anything I can get to help him, to get him into a situation where he can succeed. That's my job. It has nothing to do with being "strong", it is just simply what is and what has to be.
That made me think a lot though, being in there, telling our story from beginning to end. About before diagnosis, fighting for someone to pay attention. During diagnosis, after.. and all the ups and downs that come with it. We really, really need more resources and tools available to schools, communities, etc. I'm tentatively (thanks to J's mom) thinking of attempting some sort of organization for awareness of Autism as well as Early On-Set BiPolar disorder. I'm thinking fundraisers, non profit... and the more I think on it, the more it sounds like something we need in our community. Autism, especially, is a baffling disability. We need more research, we need more education for teachers, schools, churches, social services... why can't we have that? And why can't I get that ball rolling?
It's just something I'm toying with, thinking about. But, if we could find a way to have a fundraiser around April (National Autism Awareness Month), those proceeds could go toward the beginning of a non profit. A support group...something to raise awareness and inspire people to help out, to get to know more, to find ways to be involved.
What do you think?
8/8/08
Ugh- This Isn't Just Star Treatment!!
There are plenty of things on this beautiful World Wide Web that entertain me, puzzle me, intrigue me, irritate me. There are some, however, that piss me the f**k off (the "**" are for delicate eyes; I do say the F word. a lot. On a daily basis. And this makes me want to type it here, maniacally. But I'll refrain. For now.)
This article? Pisses me off. To the point I say the F word. And a lot of other words. Words (and phrases) that include- cover up, negligence, money talks, irresponsibility, gee shouldn't we all be anorexic with raccoon make up, bullshit, idiots, a shame, a waste, sudden cash cow (not in any way insinuating this tragedy was wanted, encouraged or signs of help were ignored), looking the other way. I cannot stand this "demanding immunity" bullshit. It makes me want to punch someone in the face, seriously. And not because I feel that the Olsen chick, or anyone other than Mr. Ledger himself, were directly to blame. Yes, he took whatever he took. Yes, he was doing what he wanted to. Yes... it is easy to say. About someone else. But, if you want immunity, you know something damning. And I've heard that before.
And you know what? Don't tell the press, or the public. But tell. So family and friends can have some peace of mind. Know why? Because anyone involved in this sort of death wants to know. Always. And we wait. We hate those of you with the deceased at the time, and we wait. For answers that don't come, or those that don't satisfy. We wait. And it haunts us, regardless of years that go by- it tarnishes images we had, distorts thoughts we held so close.... and still we wait. (And yes, those who know me, that IS who it reminds me of, that IS what I am talking about.)
This sort of thing? Sickens the shit out of me. People rushing to cover their asses at the risk of someone else- someone who could have been very much alive during those efforts. Why, if some were so hell bent on covering their asses (not his), could they not step up to the plate now, and give those who deserve it some peace?
This article? Pisses me off. To the point I say the F word. And a lot of other words. Words (and phrases) that include- cover up, negligence, money talks, irresponsibility, gee shouldn't we all be anorexic with raccoon make up, bullshit, idiots, a shame, a waste, sudden cash cow (not in any way insinuating this tragedy was wanted, encouraged or signs of help were ignored), looking the other way. I cannot stand this "demanding immunity" bullshit. It makes me want to punch someone in the face, seriously. And not because I feel that the Olsen chick, or anyone other than Mr. Ledger himself, were directly to blame. Yes, he took whatever he took. Yes, he was doing what he wanted to. Yes... it is easy to say. About someone else. But, if you want immunity, you know something damning. And I've heard that before.
And you know what? Don't tell the press, or the public. But tell. So family and friends can have some peace of mind. Know why? Because anyone involved in this sort of death wants to know. Always. And we wait. We hate those of you with the deceased at the time, and we wait. For answers that don't come, or those that don't satisfy. We wait. And it haunts us, regardless of years that go by- it tarnishes images we had, distorts thoughts we held so close.... and still we wait. (And yes, those who know me, that IS who it reminds me of, that IS what I am talking about.)
This sort of thing? Sickens the shit out of me. People rushing to cover their asses at the risk of someone else- someone who could have been very much alive during those efforts. Why, if some were so hell bent on covering their asses (not his), could they not step up to the plate now, and give those who deserve it some peace?
7/24/08
Pic-a-palooza (How We Have Grown)
I've posted a lot of pics of Taylor since starting this blog. she's a baby, babies are cute, and they change so much, so fast. Like today, she started drinking from a sippy cup, which I am trying NOT to call her "cuppy." That's a hard one to break.
But, anyway. It made me think, and that led me to post some pics of all 3 of my rugrats when the older two still WERE rugrats. So, here we go. In no particular order, Zee Growth of Zee Small Ones. :)
This is Alyssa at one month, celebrating her first Easter. you can't tell, but the pants she's weating have little carrots and bunnies all over them. Yes, she was only one month old. And not impressed. :)
This is my guy Jake @ 2 months. He sported a preppy look as a baby- the shorts were khakis and that shirt buttoned over the other one. Too cute.
Miss Lyss @ 7 months. Her first christmas was coming up, and she loved the camera.
Jakers @ 1 month. He was peaceful his whole first year... then he walked... LOL.
Alyssa's first birthday. Anyone remember Bear in the Big Blue House?? He's on her head. And looking at this pic, I see just how much my girls look alike.
Jaker's first birthday party. He loved tearing into all those gifts!
My oh so serious guy @8 months, chillin in his Exersaucer. This was pre-walker, and pre busted up toes for me!
My babies, he @ 1 month, she @ 23 months. Yup, they are THAT close together. And I so loved that hat.
Miss Lyss turning three. Shortly after this picture, she yanked the barrettes out of her hair and cried about it. She wanted those presents, NOW.
Mr. Basketball @18 months. Look at that gorgeous head of hair! Yes, we are a binky bunch.
Me with Lyss @ age 3, on NYE in our new house. Yes, again the binky.
My first born @3 months, with her Pooh. I have one similar to this, somewhere, of her with the Stay The Same cassette. Mr. McIntyre, even then... LOL.
Miss Taylor Madison @ not even a whole day old yet. My last born, always baby, baby.
Jake at four, in preschool. Curls no more....
Miss Lyss on her first day of kindergarten. she thought she was uber cool that day, I'll tell ya!
Jake, thuggin @5.
The toothless wonder @ 5 almost 6.
Taylor today with her brand new friend, Sippy Cup. Sippy Cup was an immediate hit, especially filled with juice. also a hit, vanilla pudding, broccoli carrot and cheese baby food, and cheese puffs. She did not notice my not so subtle crying as she chugged out of the cup while grasping a Mum Mum rice cracker. too fast, too fast, too fast they grow up.
Miss Lyss and the Jake man, today. It flies, doesn't it? You blink, and it's gone. Amazing.Absolutely amazing.
But, anyway. It made me think, and that led me to post some pics of all 3 of my rugrats when the older two still WERE rugrats. So, here we go. In no particular order, Zee Growth of Zee Small Ones. :)
This is Alyssa at one month, celebrating her first Easter. you can't tell, but the pants she's weating have little carrots and bunnies all over them. Yes, she was only one month old. And not impressed. :)
This is my guy Jake @ 2 months. He sported a preppy look as a baby- the shorts were khakis and that shirt buttoned over the other one. Too cute.
Miss Lyss @ 7 months. Her first christmas was coming up, and she loved the camera.
Jakers @ 1 month. He was peaceful his whole first year... then he walked... LOL.
Alyssa's first birthday. Anyone remember Bear in the Big Blue House?? He's on her head. And looking at this pic, I see just how much my girls look alike.
Jaker's first birthday party. He loved tearing into all those gifts!
My oh so serious guy @8 months, chillin in his Exersaucer. This was pre-walker, and pre busted up toes for me!
My babies, he @ 1 month, she @ 23 months. Yup, they are THAT close together. And I so loved that hat.
Miss Lyss turning three. Shortly after this picture, she yanked the barrettes out of her hair and cried about it. She wanted those presents, NOW.
Mr. Basketball @18 months. Look at that gorgeous head of hair! Yes, we are a binky bunch.
Me with Lyss @ age 3, on NYE in our new house. Yes, again the binky.
My first born @3 months, with her Pooh. I have one similar to this, somewhere, of her with the Stay The Same cassette. Mr. McIntyre, even then... LOL.
Miss Taylor Madison @ not even a whole day old yet. My last born, always baby, baby.
Jake at four, in preschool. Curls no more....
Miss Lyss on her first day of kindergarten. she thought she was uber cool that day, I'll tell ya!
Jake, thuggin @5.
The toothless wonder @ 5 almost 6.
Taylor today with her brand new friend, Sippy Cup. Sippy Cup was an immediate hit, especially filled with juice. also a hit, vanilla pudding, broccoli carrot and cheese baby food, and cheese puffs. She did not notice my not so subtle crying as she chugged out of the cup while grasping a Mum Mum rice cracker. too fast, too fast, too fast they grow up.
Miss Lyss and the Jake man, today. It flies, doesn't it? You blink, and it's gone. Amazing.Absolutely amazing.
3/2/08
We Do it All For The Nuk
So, the last two weeks with Taylor have been pretty fun. She's grown out of that newborn stage and is actually a baby. Make sense? I do better with babies who are just a tad older- newborns really do make me nervous. Get that first 4-6 weeks out of the way, and I'm good. I think it's the adjusting to someone new in your house, plus your routine is shifted all around because this new someone is 100% needy and dependent. Things smooth out a little as everyone figures out how to work around stuff, and other people. Or you cry a lot. **shrugs**
Now it's easier. I won't say a lot, because life isn't easy with children. Not that it's hard in a bad way, but it's just not easy. You're responsible for them, in every way. And unless you want to be the parent explaining to everyone why the little sweetheart was expelled from their fourth school, you have to be on top of stuff. I look at her now and wonder what will be the thing she does, that one thing, that makes me insane? You know what I'm talking about- there's either a sigher, eye roller, pig pen, school hater, people phobe... something. There's always some habit or behavior that has YOU rolling your eyes, or muttering under your breath.
But see, I'm that parent that can only deal with it so much. Especially talking back to me or being a smart ass. I'm not the parent who will threaten to take this or this or this away from you eight hundred times. I'll tell you to cut the crap and then yank the game system plug, TV plug,radio, crayons or whatever else out of the wall, your hand, or the room. I've done it, several times. The first time, Alyssa (the one with this lip issue) actually turned around and informed me that she was "playing a game here." Complete with hand on hip and glare.
Wow. Really? Well, you can certainly finish it up then. In a week or so. And that's how it goes down. I'm usually pretty easy with some things- but don't talk to me like that. That's a major peeve of mine, from adults or kids. I'm not an idiot, or an animal, or here to serve you. Don't talk to me as if I am. And I'm a big believer in that whole do unto thing- if you talk to me like that, be certain I'm answering you in the same way. Don't like it? Don't do it.
Anyway, I digress. Back to Miss T and her adventures. She's rolling on both of her sides now (she's 3 months), and eating some stage 1 food. Before anyone tells me I'm harming my kid, do me a favor- shut-up. I learned the hard way with Alyssa that some babies are simply hungry, and for a short time, because I wanted to do everything "right", I was actually starving my baby. When we started her on solids, at almost five months, she became a different baby. Before that, she was eating eight or more ounces of formula every hour and a half to two hours. Including through the night. Yeah. So I'm a big believer on watching baby's cues, and taking them. Jake wasn't ready till four months. Taylor is ready now. She likes carrots and peaches best... applesauce is the devil, apparently. Bananas are tolerable. Rice cereal will cause a screaming fit, so we gave up. After trying cereal bottles, cereal with formula, then juice, then the cereal with bananas. No dice. Lyss did this, too. But once we started her on that cereal in a jar... the Gerber 2nd Stage oatmeals and rice cereals (which I don't believe they carry in rice now) with bananas and cinnamon, etc., she loved her cereals. And then onto regular oatmeal, which she also loved... and now refuses to eat. So far, these two girls are eerily alike in some areas, although Taylor will not be allowed to grow as picky as I let Lyss get. My mistake- again, trying to do it all "right", I never exposed her to regular food until she was older, because it wasn't "good for her". With Jake, he ate everything he could tolerate- mash it up, cut it small, whatever you have to do. And he eats EVERYTHING. He always has. And never had a weight issue until the medications, but that's another post for another day. He's losing it, though. So, fingers crossed.
So, she's eating, babbling, rolling... she's a baby! Then, the screaming started. This howling, God awful screaming. She had to be in pain, just had to. Like I said, I'm out of practice with small ones. Then it would be this pathetic sounding mewling. No fever, nothing obviously wrong with her. We tried EVERYTHING. And I worried- was she getting sick, was the food bothering her, did she have allergies to something... and then it hit. Teething! She had to be teething- we already knew she didn't have gas, wasn't constipated and didn't have the plague!
So, armed with Ora-jel, Tylenol and Mylicon, we attempted to soothe in any way possible. Walking, rocking, bouncing, talking, singing... all would work for a short time, then the crying again. She was refusing her pacifiers (of which she has four kinds), and this went on for days. Then, Jim found her pink Nuk. She came home from the hospital with it, and unlike the other two, she was somehat in love with it. But, she never liked any of them too much. So, in a last ditch effort to save hearing and sanity, I cleaned the Nuk and popped it in, waiting for her to spit it out angrily, and cry some more. (To which I'd respond wearily "It's a pacifier, please let it do it's job. It pacifies. Let it.")
Silence. Complete, total silence as Taylor happily took the Nuk and passed out. I stood there with my mouth open for a little bit. This... this terror? and angst? And screaming? It had been over a pacifier? A binky? A friggin BINKY had thrown us off for four days?!? A binky that, quite honestly, we'd never given much thought to? She never had that instant love for bink that Lyss had. She had that semi- interest occasionally, but not all the time. Apparently, that has changed.
My plan now? Make sure she has a few Nuk's lying around. Been there, done that, with the certain brands. And then, when she's older, we'll go through the weaning all over again. Because, dear god, don't go cold turkey. They're like little crack heads if you do that- the withdrawal is fearsome. You're lucky to get out alive.
So, that's where it is these days. I'm having so much fun with her, though- I love this age. When they start exploring just a little more, and enjoying a lot more interaction with you.... it's so sweet to just sit and talk to her, or watch her roll. I am definitely where I want to be. All the crying and sleeplessness on the planet wouldn't change it. Although, it may give me pause sometimes.....
Now it's easier. I won't say a lot, because life isn't easy with children. Not that it's hard in a bad way, but it's just not easy. You're responsible for them, in every way. And unless you want to be the parent explaining to everyone why the little sweetheart was expelled from their fourth school, you have to be on top of stuff. I look at her now and wonder what will be the thing she does, that one thing, that makes me insane? You know what I'm talking about- there's either a sigher, eye roller, pig pen, school hater, people phobe... something. There's always some habit or behavior that has YOU rolling your eyes, or muttering under your breath.
But see, I'm that parent that can only deal with it so much. Especially talking back to me or being a smart ass. I'm not the parent who will threaten to take this or this or this away from you eight hundred times. I'll tell you to cut the crap and then yank the game system plug, TV plug,radio, crayons or whatever else out of the wall, your hand, or the room. I've done it, several times. The first time, Alyssa (the one with this lip issue) actually turned around and informed me that she was "playing a game here." Complete with hand on hip and glare.
Wow. Really? Well, you can certainly finish it up then. In a week or so. And that's how it goes down. I'm usually pretty easy with some things- but don't talk to me like that. That's a major peeve of mine, from adults or kids. I'm not an idiot, or an animal, or here to serve you. Don't talk to me as if I am. And I'm a big believer in that whole do unto thing- if you talk to me like that, be certain I'm answering you in the same way. Don't like it? Don't do it.
Anyway, I digress. Back to Miss T and her adventures. She's rolling on both of her sides now (she's 3 months), and eating some stage 1 food. Before anyone tells me I'm harming my kid, do me a favor- shut-up. I learned the hard way with Alyssa that some babies are simply hungry, and for a short time, because I wanted to do everything "right", I was actually starving my baby. When we started her on solids, at almost five months, she became a different baby. Before that, she was eating eight or more ounces of formula every hour and a half to two hours. Including through the night. Yeah. So I'm a big believer on watching baby's cues, and taking them. Jake wasn't ready till four months. Taylor is ready now. She likes carrots and peaches best... applesauce is the devil, apparently. Bananas are tolerable. Rice cereal will cause a screaming fit, so we gave up. After trying cereal bottles, cereal with formula, then juice, then the cereal with bananas. No dice. Lyss did this, too. But once we started her on that cereal in a jar... the Gerber 2nd Stage oatmeals and rice cereals (which I don't believe they carry in rice now) with bananas and cinnamon, etc., she loved her cereals. And then onto regular oatmeal, which she also loved... and now refuses to eat. So far, these two girls are eerily alike in some areas, although Taylor will not be allowed to grow as picky as I let Lyss get. My mistake- again, trying to do it all "right", I never exposed her to regular food until she was older, because it wasn't "good for her". With Jake, he ate everything he could tolerate- mash it up, cut it small, whatever you have to do. And he eats EVERYTHING. He always has. And never had a weight issue until the medications, but that's another post for another day. He's losing it, though. So, fingers crossed.
So, she's eating, babbling, rolling... she's a baby! Then, the screaming started. This howling, God awful screaming. She had to be in pain, just had to. Like I said, I'm out of practice with small ones. Then it would be this pathetic sounding mewling. No fever, nothing obviously wrong with her. We tried EVERYTHING. And I worried- was she getting sick, was the food bothering her, did she have allergies to something... and then it hit. Teething! She had to be teething- we already knew she didn't have gas, wasn't constipated and didn't have the plague!
So, armed with Ora-jel, Tylenol and Mylicon, we attempted to soothe in any way possible. Walking, rocking, bouncing, talking, singing... all would work for a short time, then the crying again. She was refusing her pacifiers (of which she has four kinds), and this went on for days. Then, Jim found her pink Nuk. She came home from the hospital with it, and unlike the other two, she was somehat in love with it. But, she never liked any of them too much. So, in a last ditch effort to save hearing and sanity, I cleaned the Nuk and popped it in, waiting for her to spit it out angrily, and cry some more. (To which I'd respond wearily "It's a pacifier, please let it do it's job. It pacifies. Let it.")
Silence. Complete, total silence as Taylor happily took the Nuk and passed out. I stood there with my mouth open for a little bit. This... this terror? and angst? And screaming? It had been over a pacifier? A binky? A friggin BINKY had thrown us off for four days?!? A binky that, quite honestly, we'd never given much thought to? She never had that instant love for bink that Lyss had. She had that semi- interest occasionally, but not all the time. Apparently, that has changed.
My plan now? Make sure she has a few Nuk's lying around. Been there, done that, with the certain brands. And then, when she's older, we'll go through the weaning all over again. Because, dear god, don't go cold turkey. They're like little crack heads if you do that- the withdrawal is fearsome. You're lucky to get out alive.
So, that's where it is these days. I'm having so much fun with her, though- I love this age. When they start exploring just a little more, and enjoying a lot more interaction with you.... it's so sweet to just sit and talk to her, or watch her roll. I am definitely where I want to be. All the crying and sleeplessness on the planet wouldn't change it. Although, it may give me pause sometimes.....
2/16/08
The First Three Months
On November 15th, 2007 the world changed, as it had for us twice before. We were at the hospital by nine to prep for a scheduled C-section and bring our third baby into the world. My bag was packed with your first outfit, my heart was full of a roller coaster of emotion- excitement, fear, happiness and worry. What would you be like? Would you look like me, or him, or both? Would everything go smoothly and would you arrive with everything where it was supposed to be?
The hours passed really slowly and I was ready to do the operation myself by the time they wheeled me into the operating room. It seemed to fly after that and at 11:19 AM, Taylor Madison was finally out of the womb and into the world. You were our smallest baby, at 6 lbs 12 ounces, and the second in line height wise at 20 inches. You also made your opinion known immediately, and your daddy's second words about you were 100% true. "She's a lot louder then the other kids were at birth." But he was charmed, it was obvious. Even in my drugged haze, I could see the way he followed you with his eyes and I think that came with age and time, that utter fascination he's had for you since day one. He fell in love with you immediately, and so did I. I couldn't wait to hold you, spend time with you.
That's the thing I have always hated about having C-sections: I couldn't hold any of you for some time after you were born. And even when I could, those first moments are slightly blurred by pain, and the sleepiness & nausea from the medications. I swear, it was the medication, so don't take it personally that on your first night, I threw up every time I got to hold you. It really wasn't you. Honest.
Coming home was an adventure, but it smoothed out once the hormones, lack of sleep and adjusting to a new person ironed itself out. Your brother and sister went crazy for you and the spoiling of the baby began. :) Other than your hatred of sleep... and bassinets, cribs or other flat surfaces... you are a pretty mellow kid. You took to us pretty easily, and seem to be a good mix of your brother and sister as an infant (meaning you don't hate everyone on the planet, but you aren't sooooo easy going it seems like you're toking the cheeba all day either).
You are very opinionated, and already seem to know that when Mom points that camera at you, it's time to be a superstar. (See below). You smile easily and with your whole being- the room lights up with every grin. Honest to God I've never seen a kid smile like you. Your whole body moves and you try to hard to laugh. Mainly at your Daddy, who now spends tons of his spare time doing silly things to get that smile. Usually I'm falling over laughing at him, and then joining in to get your eyes to light up. All of us compete with talking to you, and you're now having "conversation" with us. You squeal and coo (and squawk if no one's talking to you) and your little mouth moves when we talk, like you're trying to imitate us.
I don't think there's ever been a more entertained kid on the planet. But, for us, it's almost like the first time again. It had been almost six years since we'd had a baby in the house, and you'd be surprised how much Mom and Dad forgot (or blocked out) about you tiny ones. The not sleeping thing. The projectile crapping thing. And the screaming... dear God the screaming... (sometimes, not from you.) But we are also older, and more patient, and there's no one telling us what to do. Or not to do.
You are a lot of things to us. Our last baby, our youngest- the one who will always be labeled "the baby". You are the little sister, the little monster that even gets Jake to sit and talk softly, showing you things patiently. You smiled first for your big sister, and seek her out any time you hear her voice. You love us all without question, but you adore your sister. You brought us all to a new place, showed us some things we never would have known. About ourselves, about each other and about life.
I don't think any of us were ready for you, Miss Taylor, and all you encompass. If there's ever been a baby who has brought more love into the hearts of those around her, I've never heard. We are all crazy, head over heels for you, and you know it. (Don't let the innocent looks fool you.)
You have reminded me of all that's so right with the world, and reminded me not to blink, because it goes so fast. Too fast. And I watch you, like I watch them, and now I think the same thing when I look at you ...
Slow down... please, slow down...
The hours passed really slowly and I was ready to do the operation myself by the time they wheeled me into the operating room. It seemed to fly after that and at 11:19 AM, Taylor Madison was finally out of the womb and into the world. You were our smallest baby, at 6 lbs 12 ounces, and the second in line height wise at 20 inches. You also made your opinion known immediately, and your daddy's second words about you were 100% true. "She's a lot louder then the other kids were at birth." But he was charmed, it was obvious. Even in my drugged haze, I could see the way he followed you with his eyes and I think that came with age and time, that utter fascination he's had for you since day one. He fell in love with you immediately, and so did I. I couldn't wait to hold you, spend time with you.
That's the thing I have always hated about having C-sections: I couldn't hold any of you for some time after you were born. And even when I could, those first moments are slightly blurred by pain, and the sleepiness & nausea from the medications. I swear, it was the medication, so don't take it personally that on your first night, I threw up every time I got to hold you. It really wasn't you. Honest.
Coming home was an adventure, but it smoothed out once the hormones, lack of sleep and adjusting to a new person ironed itself out. Your brother and sister went crazy for you and the spoiling of the baby began. :) Other than your hatred of sleep... and bassinets, cribs or other flat surfaces... you are a pretty mellow kid. You took to us pretty easily, and seem to be a good mix of your brother and sister as an infant (meaning you don't hate everyone on the planet, but you aren't sooooo easy going it seems like you're toking the cheeba all day either).
You are very opinionated, and already seem to know that when Mom points that camera at you, it's time to be a superstar. (See below). You smile easily and with your whole being- the room lights up with every grin. Honest to God I've never seen a kid smile like you. Your whole body moves and you try to hard to laugh. Mainly at your Daddy, who now spends tons of his spare time doing silly things to get that smile. Usually I'm falling over laughing at him, and then joining in to get your eyes to light up. All of us compete with talking to you, and you're now having "conversation" with us. You squeal and coo (and squawk if no one's talking to you) and your little mouth moves when we talk, like you're trying to imitate us.
I don't think there's ever been a more entertained kid on the planet. But, for us, it's almost like the first time again. It had been almost six years since we'd had a baby in the house, and you'd be surprised how much Mom and Dad forgot (or blocked out) about you tiny ones. The not sleeping thing. The projectile crapping thing. And the screaming... dear God the screaming... (sometimes, not from you.) But we are also older, and more patient, and there's no one telling us what to do. Or not to do.
You are a lot of things to us. Our last baby, our youngest- the one who will always be labeled "the baby". You are the little sister, the little monster that even gets Jake to sit and talk softly, showing you things patiently. You smiled first for your big sister, and seek her out any time you hear her voice. You love us all without question, but you adore your sister. You brought us all to a new place, showed us some things we never would have known. About ourselves, about each other and about life.
I don't think any of us were ready for you, Miss Taylor, and all you encompass. If there's ever been a baby who has brought more love into the hearts of those around her, I've never heard. We are all crazy, head over heels for you, and you know it. (Don't let the innocent looks fool you.)
You have reminded me of all that's so right with the world, and reminded me not to blink, because it goes so fast. Too fast. And I watch you, like I watch them, and now I think the same thing when I look at you ...
Slow down... please, slow down...
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