Showing posts with label chicks rule. Show all posts
Showing posts with label chicks rule. Show all posts
3/2/11
New, Not Borrowed, and Not too Blue ;)
I have something for you, the... five... six?... people who come here. I am making you a playlist. To know me, you have to KNOW me. And I warn you- I am a contradiction on every front, which some of you know, and some of you need to know, if you want to "GET IT". Isn't that everyone's deal? "GETTING IT"? Whatever "IT" is? So, I'll let you in on the deep, dark secrets, piece by piece, song by song, thought by thought, as we go. It may be offensive- my tunes are not censored, and some are absolutely not kid friendly. Same as my thoughts :) Same as some pieces of me. But to really have the inner workings of the mismatched, up and down, back and forths of me, it is what it is. I don't listen to, read, watch, take part in, anything that doesn't speak to me on some level. and it's deep, if you look past the damns, hells and others that make up some of it. If you don't, if it offends... well, I'm not you. You aren't me. And maybe you aren't meant to piece my story together. I am open minded and liberal to the point of painting a damn rainbow on my walls to prove a point. i believe in love and freedom and have no tolerance for pushing belief, and am good with what I know and have faith in regarding my relationship with God. He loves everyone, you know? He made us all, after all. But I digress- shockingly, LOL. So, for now, where words are truly failing (and focusing on new novels) I give you this instead....
2/11/10
Girls
We've been snowed in here in our neck of the woods for what feels like.. forever, lol... and it's gotten my creative juices flowing in a lot of interesting ways. I'm writing a lot... and a lot I'm keeping to myself. But it's therapeutic, getting it all out. It makes a difference, having this outlet where I can be me, plain and simple. I can write for myself, get my emotions clear.. or I can write something else, with characters and scenarios I make up as I go. Either way, it's been a definite lifesaver the last few weeks.
But I've noticed myself drifting toward the “friendship” theme more and more again in my writing, and this leads me to thinking about all the women in my life. Since I'm obviously someone who thinks (thinks, thinks, thinks some more....) a lot about everything, I guess it's only natural to have come away from the last few weeks with even more to ponder. Good, bad, in between? Probably all the above, but it did give me an idea.
I am blessed to have a terrific circle of women in my life- all unique, all bringing something to my life I wouldn't have without them.... hopefully I do the same for them. We raise our kids together, if we have them, and love each others' kids like our own. We talk late into the night, early in the morning... without these women, I simply wouldn't be who I am.
So, this week, instead of the usual, I thought I'd take some time to really talk about, and honor, women. Valentine's Day is coming, and rather than think about hearts and flowers, let's think about chick flicks and best friends, chocolate and glasses of wine. The laughs, the tears, the inside jokes... and the way we simply have to have our girlfriends.
You may be related, by blood or marriage. You may have been friends since you were kids (and you are oh so lucky if you are... believe me!). You may be old friends, new friends, close friends.... think about it. Who do you call for a quick laugh or a long cry? The women in your life... they are a different kind of family altogether, a mismatched patchwork quilt that is one of the most precious things you will ever have. In a lot of cases, some of the pieces should never fit, and yet they do... in some, the patches are seamless. But as you get older, you realize that while only some of them are seamless, they are all timeless. They all give you a different perspective, a different piece of yourself, and that's pretty amazing. I honestly don't know where I would be without my girls.... from the smallest to the tallest :)
Don't get me wrong... we all love our guys, too. But it's different with our girlfriends... we get each other in a way most men can't. We're on the same level- we know each other... and we know what drives us crazy about these guys we love so much. Lol We vent to each other, get angry together, and counsel one another... we laugh and talk about what the kids are doing.. we cry over the losses and hard times, and we just get it. And we know that when it really gets down to it, when it seems it can't get any harder, we have one another's backs.. and that counts for just about everything, doesn't it?
So, this one is for the girls- from the smallest to the tallest :) I honestly am thankful, every day, for each and every one of you.
10/2/09
Seasons
It is definitely fall, Internet. The season I am named for, and a season of change. My favorite season, with holidays just around the corner. I am a sucker for the leaves turning and falling, and then the kids' laughter when they jump into the piles of muted reds, oranges and yellows. It makes me smile, the crisp air and evenings made for stews and soups, chili and warm tea.
It's been quiet, which I'm not complaining about. I'm also not counting on it staying quiet, because as soon as I relax, everything changes. But it has been a really peaceful week here, and it drives home to me that this is how it should be. Peaceful and calm, no eggshells and no bombshells. Like I said, though, it won't last- things will need to go on, I suppose. It's what I do with that, for my kids and myself, that I wrestle with. I feel how I do for a reason, and nothing is changing that- only strengthening it.
Keep an eye on my other blog for some yummy, hearty recipes coming soon... the cook in me has been slaving without sharing, and that's going to change! :) There are quite a few stew-soup recipes I'm working on, and recipes guaranteed to make your kids enjoy some veggies if they're picky like mine. So, keep your eyes peeled... and for now, enjoy the fall! Grab a cozy quilt, some hot tea or a glass of wine, and snuggle in. It's good for the soul!
It's been quiet, which I'm not complaining about. I'm also not counting on it staying quiet, because as soon as I relax, everything changes. But it has been a really peaceful week here, and it drives home to me that this is how it should be. Peaceful and calm, no eggshells and no bombshells. Like I said, though, it won't last- things will need to go on, I suppose. It's what I do with that, for my kids and myself, that I wrestle with. I feel how I do for a reason, and nothing is changing that- only strengthening it.
Keep an eye on my other blog for some yummy, hearty recipes coming soon... the cook in me has been slaving without sharing, and that's going to change! :) There are quite a few stew-soup recipes I'm working on, and recipes guaranteed to make your kids enjoy some veggies if they're picky like mine. So, keep your eyes peeled... and for now, enjoy the fall! Grab a cozy quilt, some hot tea or a glass of wine, and snuggle in. It's good for the soul!
5/11/09
Ya Know it's Monday...
Happy Mommy's Day to all the super moms out there. a little late (as usual) but I was with my family all weekend doing a whole lotta nothing and enjoying every minute. LOL I hope all of you were pampered and spoiled this weekend, lavished with homemade cards and stories that you will keep forever, and didn't have to lift (barely) a finger!
I have to tell you, I am so excited by one of my gifts this year- I finally got the stand mixer I've been drooling over for awhile now. I've had hand mixers, and a wooden spoon, but now that I'm baking and cooking so much more, trying new recipes, making my own as I go, this will make life sooo much simpler! And who doesn't want simpler, really? I think I'd marry the thing if I could- all twelve speeds of it. Wait.. that sounded... eh. Well. Moving on....
The mixer came with a recipe disk. This is where it gets more exciting. For me. It's filled with easy cakes, cookies, frostings, etc... and everything but the frosting starts with a cake mix. There's a how to, there are photos, and you can make your own recipe book, add your recipes, pics, etc. I'm in heaven over here with it all. And I now know how to make bunny cakes, cat cakes and sandcastle cakes. Seriously, diagrams are a must- I'm craft-impaired. I may end up with a deformed rabbit cake, but I'm planning on trying, because stuff like that is so fun to do with the kids. And then you can blame them if it looks funny... LOL!
I'm going to start taking more pictures as I do cook, and posting more- it's a promise. I'm committing to more posting, more pics and more recipes. Except my lasagna- never will I share that, it's my secret weapon. It goes up there with the rest of my arsenal, and is off limits. Everything else is up for grabs. Be forewarned, though- I'm not a gourmet chef. I'm not going to make a rack of lamb here, guys. But I can give you easy, inexpensive and very picky family friendly. And when I say picky, I'm not exaggerating- my kids are PICKY. Alyssa won't even eat pizza or peanut butter. I can't make things without sneaking things in, and I've learned that spices and seasoning are my best friends.
So, that's all. I'm rolling some ideas around in my head, and we may be looking at a more domestic not so domestic. But, I'm going to be doing it with the music blaring and a glass of wine in hand, probably with a sink full of dishes and kids running wild. So.. not too much is changing. ;)
Stay tuned... the party is just starting!
I have to tell you, I am so excited by one of my gifts this year- I finally got the stand mixer I've been drooling over for awhile now. I've had hand mixers, and a wooden spoon, but now that I'm baking and cooking so much more, trying new recipes, making my own as I go, this will make life sooo much simpler! And who doesn't want simpler, really? I think I'd marry the thing if I could- all twelve speeds of it. Wait.. that sounded... eh. Well. Moving on....
The mixer came with a recipe disk. This is where it gets more exciting. For me. It's filled with easy cakes, cookies, frostings, etc... and everything but the frosting starts with a cake mix. There's a how to, there are photos, and you can make your own recipe book, add your recipes, pics, etc. I'm in heaven over here with it all. And I now know how to make bunny cakes, cat cakes and sandcastle cakes. Seriously, diagrams are a must- I'm craft-impaired. I may end up with a deformed rabbit cake, but I'm planning on trying, because stuff like that is so fun to do with the kids. And then you can blame them if it looks funny... LOL!
I'm going to start taking more pictures as I do cook, and posting more- it's a promise. I'm committing to more posting, more pics and more recipes. Except my lasagna- never will I share that, it's my secret weapon. It goes up there with the rest of my arsenal, and is off limits. Everything else is up for grabs. Be forewarned, though- I'm not a gourmet chef. I'm not going to make a rack of lamb here, guys. But I can give you easy, inexpensive and very picky family friendly. And when I say picky, I'm not exaggerating- my kids are PICKY. Alyssa won't even eat pizza or peanut butter. I can't make things without sneaking things in, and I've learned that spices and seasoning are my best friends.
So, that's all. I'm rolling some ideas around in my head, and we may be looking at a more domestic not so domestic. But, I'm going to be doing it with the music blaring and a glass of wine in hand, probably with a sink full of dishes and kids running wild. So.. not too much is changing. ;)
Stay tuned... the party is just starting!
2/19/09
Pieces of Me Part 1
So, I had started this post and been writing on it off and on all morning. For almost two hours, I was back and forth, putting together a semi "25 things", because I keep getting tagged on Facebook and MySpace, and on a couple of the blogs I follow. I had decided to do it in parts, because I'm a rambler, and figured 25 things would end up taking up an entire page, so why not break it up. And in the midst of it all, Blogger decided to just delete the whole thing.
After sitting, open mouthed, staring at the screen for a couple of seconds, then telling Blogger pretty creatively what it can do with its mother, father, quite possibly the dog and all of it's neighbors, here I am again.
I've done a few of these before, and I apologize for any repeats, but I'm too lazy to look through the archives and see what I've said about myself before. We'll skip the obvious Oreo obsession, coffee love and NKOTB illness I enjoy every minute of. Although, after seeing them on Regis this morning, I'm sure there will be posts that mention this a few (hundred) times. I will do my best to refrain from mentioning Joe McIntyre's ass in jeans. No promises there, though- they're on the Today show tomorrow, so we all know I may be well into the babbling, non blinking stage for awhile. What can I say? There's something to be said for that man in jeans... a lot of which is very inappropriate, and will remain firmly in my head.
Anyway, where was I... I got a little.. sidetracked. **cough** Oh, right- 25 things. Or at least, a few of 25 or more things. Right.
I'm very passionate about my beliefs. I appreciate diverse views, opinions and ideas, and enjoy a good debate. I don't have to agree with you, you don't have to agree with me. I respect that there are differences for a reason, and I think that's what makes things so interesting. However, I also appreciate the courtesy I extend- don't push what you believe on me as "right" or "true" or "the only way". I don't force my thoughts on anyone, intentionally.
I have zero tolerance for ignorance, racism, etc. I do not understand the theory behind hating someone based on their color, ethnicity, lifestyle, etc. Everyone has the right to be happy, and to be themselves without worry, fear or hatred. why does it matter who we love, what our faith is, where we come from? We're all human beings, and what you think of as so different, or weird, or awful... maybe someone thinks it about you? Ya know?
I love movies, TV, music from the 50's, 60's and 70's. I would love to have been growing up in the 60's and 70's. Woodstock? Would have soooo been there. To see Janis Joplin perform live? Come on, seriously?? I'd have enjoyed the hell out of those decades- I'd have protested the war, burned my bra and been arrested. I'd have had a peace sign big as anything (ok, I did at one point, but for an entirely different reason.. ) worn Lennon shades (again...did.. but for another reason) and probably been barefoot and content.
I am still writing, even though I don't do it as often as I want to. I have three unfinished novels and several outlines and characters waiting for me in my Word program. They mock me sometimes, but I peck away when I can. One of my finished novels, Deadly Vision, I hate with a passion. Hate is too weak a word for it, really. I don't hate it because I think it sucks, I hate it because I revised that damn thing forEVER and still didn't get it quite where I wanted. My "vision", haha, was not great for that one.
I hate reality TV. I watched the first 3 seasons of The Real World eons ago, and enjoyed it. It was interesting, new and not crammed down my throat. Now? Everywhere I look, there's a new reality show. I don't watch if I can help it. I did watch Dancing With the Stars for one season, but ya know.
I have never read the Twilight books. Or Harry Potter. No, not even one. I have never even held one of those books in my hand. Yes, I know. I know.
OK. That's it for the first little bit. Nothing intriguing, I'm afraid, but a little more to know.
Watch the 10 am hour of Today tomorrow! Heh. I'm crossing my finger for jeans!
After sitting, open mouthed, staring at the screen for a couple of seconds, then telling Blogger pretty creatively what it can do with its mother, father, quite possibly the dog and all of it's neighbors, here I am again.
I've done a few of these before, and I apologize for any repeats, but I'm too lazy to look through the archives and see what I've said about myself before. We'll skip the obvious Oreo obsession, coffee love and NKOTB illness I enjoy every minute of. Although, after seeing them on Regis this morning, I'm sure there will be posts that mention this a few (hundred) times. I will do my best to refrain from mentioning Joe McIntyre's ass in jeans. No promises there, though- they're on the Today show tomorrow, so we all know I may be well into the babbling, non blinking stage for awhile. What can I say? There's something to be said for that man in jeans... a lot of which is very inappropriate, and will remain firmly in my head.
Anyway, where was I... I got a little.. sidetracked. **cough** Oh, right- 25 things. Or at least, a few of 25 or more things. Right.
I'm very passionate about my beliefs. I appreciate diverse views, opinions and ideas, and enjoy a good debate. I don't have to agree with you, you don't have to agree with me. I respect that there are differences for a reason, and I think that's what makes things so interesting. However, I also appreciate the courtesy I extend- don't push what you believe on me as "right" or "true" or "the only way". I don't force my thoughts on anyone, intentionally.
I have zero tolerance for ignorance, racism, etc. I do not understand the theory behind hating someone based on their color, ethnicity, lifestyle, etc. Everyone has the right to be happy, and to be themselves without worry, fear or hatred. why does it matter who we love, what our faith is, where we come from? We're all human beings, and what you think of as so different, or weird, or awful... maybe someone thinks it about you? Ya know?
I love movies, TV, music from the 50's, 60's and 70's. I would love to have been growing up in the 60's and 70's. Woodstock? Would have soooo been there. To see Janis Joplin perform live? Come on, seriously?? I'd have enjoyed the hell out of those decades- I'd have protested the war, burned my bra and been arrested. I'd have had a peace sign big as anything (ok, I did at one point, but for an entirely different reason.. ) worn Lennon shades (again...did.. but for another reason) and probably been barefoot and content.
I am still writing, even though I don't do it as often as I want to. I have three unfinished novels and several outlines and characters waiting for me in my Word program. They mock me sometimes, but I peck away when I can. One of my finished novels, Deadly Vision, I hate with a passion. Hate is too weak a word for it, really. I don't hate it because I think it sucks, I hate it because I revised that damn thing forEVER and still didn't get it quite where I wanted. My "vision", haha, was not great for that one.
I hate reality TV. I watched the first 3 seasons of The Real World eons ago, and enjoyed it. It was interesting, new and not crammed down my throat. Now? Everywhere I look, there's a new reality show. I don't watch if I can help it. I did watch Dancing With the Stars for one season, but ya know.
I have never read the Twilight books. Or Harry Potter. No, not even one. I have never even held one of those books in my hand. Yes, I know. I know.
OK. That's it for the first little bit. Nothing intriguing, I'm afraid, but a little more to know.
Watch the 10 am hour of Today tomorrow! Heh. I'm crossing my finger for jeans!
2/17/09
New Look, New(ish) Outlook
I've been wanting to change things up over here for awhile. Not just the look- I do that all the time, because I doubt I'll ever find a "look" to have permanently. Nothing ever screams "keep me", ya know?
What I'm talking about is changing up the content some. I've said (repeatedly) that I won't be guarded on here. And to a degree, I'm not. On some things (uber personal issues, friends-relatives names, etc.) I always will be, and I've explained all that before. (Again, repeatedly.) But this is my space, and sometimes I honestly think it isn't truly mine, if that makes sense. I say a lot, and there's still so much I don't say. Because of who may or may not read here, or what so-and so may think if I really let loose and say what I'm thinking.
So, I'm done with it. Read it or don't (I know, how many people have said it how many times on their own spaces... and how many times have I said it here?)... I don't want to worry about who is looking for innuendo in my words, who is making fun, who is picking apart my pictures, my ideas, or my life. I don't have time for the added worry, or for the wary feeling I've had lately. Read it, take what you want to (people do that anyway) or don't come here. My space, my thoughts, my junk.
That said, let's get on with it. I've shown you pieces of myself for the last year or so, and what you've gotten so far is barely enough to begin putting those pieces together for a clear picture. I'm not perfect, and I don't want to be... sometimes. LOL I'm messy, unorganized, short tempered, and have a very (VERY) low tolerance for bullshit. I give as good as I get, and I'm loyal (to a fault), to the people I love. Whether they deserve it or not.
So, here is my invitation to you. Let's put the pieces together. Let's have some laughs, a glass (or six) of wine and get to know one another. Welcome to the "new" blog. Pull up a kitchen chair and get comfy.
What I'm talking about is changing up the content some. I've said (repeatedly) that I won't be guarded on here. And to a degree, I'm not. On some things (uber personal issues, friends-relatives names, etc.) I always will be, and I've explained all that before. (Again, repeatedly.) But this is my space, and sometimes I honestly think it isn't truly mine, if that makes sense. I say a lot, and there's still so much I don't say. Because of who may or may not read here, or what so-and so may think if I really let loose and say what I'm thinking.
So, I'm done with it. Read it or don't (I know, how many people have said it how many times on their own spaces... and how many times have I said it here?)... I don't want to worry about who is looking for innuendo in my words, who is making fun, who is picking apart my pictures, my ideas, or my life. I don't have time for the added worry, or for the wary feeling I've had lately. Read it, take what you want to (people do that anyway) or don't come here. My space, my thoughts, my junk.
That said, let's get on with it. I've shown you pieces of myself for the last year or so, and what you've gotten so far is barely enough to begin putting those pieces together for a clear picture. I'm not perfect, and I don't want to be... sometimes. LOL I'm messy, unorganized, short tempered, and have a very (VERY) low tolerance for bullshit. I give as good as I get, and I'm loyal (to a fault), to the people I love. Whether they deserve it or not.
So, here is my invitation to you. Let's put the pieces together. Let's have some laughs, a glass (or six) of wine and get to know one another. Welcome to the "new" blog. Pull up a kitchen chair and get comfy.
1/21/09
Everything, Nothing and In Between
I am interrupting the beginning of our regularly scheduled (ok, sporadically, when you least expect it, cause I'm too cool for schedules, if "cool" means held hostage by snowed in children) post to mention that today, I am filled with hope. There is change on the way for our country, hopefully positive. I feel it will be, but I'm not in the business of guaranteeing people will follow promises with action. Cause, seriously? My radar with that is sometimes waaaay off. But, I feel somewhat renewed. Whether you agree or not, like it or not, we did make some history with this election. I feel the right choice was made, I think that President Obama is the face of hope for a lot of people. To me it isn't about race, it's about the best person for a job. But, I do feel that by winning the election, Obama sends another message of hope to this country- anything can happen. In other words- "Yes, we can." Let's see what we take from this, and do with it. If we want change, we have to make change, too.
A change I'd like to make? To see some green outside. this white crap is killing me. When it's not in single digits, or negatives (which has just been so much fun!!!-do you hear the sarcasm? cause it's not dripping, it's oozing) it's snowing. When it's not snowing, it's a glare of ice. Today is the first day back to school with no delays, and it's snowing. I am shaking my head, squeezing my eyes shut and wishing for a beach somewhere.
But, I can wish for beaches all day long. Not happening. I will deal with this weather the way I have been (no, not by drinking! Why would you say such a thing?.....), and somehow survive the cabin fever without listening to that inner voice that pops up and says "THAT'S why Jack Torrance went crazy on his family...."
I have been cooking and baking a lot lately. Playing around with some recipes and adjusting them to be more versatile, more picky person friendly, and just mine. Mine in the way that whenever my kids eat it, they'll remember just how good their mom's such-and such tasted. I've made muffins, cookies, chicken parmesan, burger dip, lasagna, my knock off stroganoff, chili mac, my sloppy Joe, tuna noodle, and drinks that can be made virgin for the kiddos and add a little something extra for the adults to give some extra warmth. I've been busy. I've also been mixing and matching candle scents to make my own blend for my candle warmer. Basically, my house is always warm, filled with food and smelling yummy. I'm losing the "not so" part of my title here, people. Winter is domesticating me in ways I've never been domesticated before. I'm afraid, Internet. Hold me.
I started out doing it to prove a point, I think. That I **could** try new recipes and ideas without that stupid fear of failure. And I was GOOD at it- my kids enjoyed every single thing. even Alyssa, who is so picky I want to scream sometimes. The kid hates peanut butter. And pizza. And eight hundred other things. They liked the sandwiches I made up as I went, the casseroles and new meatballs and burgers... and I liked that for every new thing they tried, one more fast fix went out the door. You know you've spoiled them when your toddler turns her nose up at spaghetti-o's, and opts for your own pasta. Especially when spaghetti-o's were her favorite food. Heehee.
I'm enjoying this domesticity and that's weird! I've never really BEEN that way before- I mean, i cook, clean, all that good stuff, but there's been so much negative stuff that kept me from really trying to enjoy myself, in whatever I was doing. I've never truly taken pleasure out of creating things, because there was always something keeping me from really letting loose and just going wild with it.
I'm telling you- life really does begin at thirty. Because now I DO go wild with it, whatever it happens to be. And I figure it someone doesn't like it, they can kiss my ass and go on their way. Never thought of it that way before. Now that I do, it's a lot more fun! It makes for an easier day, I'll say that much. You worry soooo much less when you realize that no one, outside your own four walls, has an opinion that can make or break you. Even more when you realize that no one in those four walls does, either.
I've spent a lot of time cracking my own shell, and now I think it's finally just busted open and someone brand new has stepped out. It does make people look at you differently, having a confidence in yourself, a better posture, a better outlook. And it FEELS so much better. I'm a better person than I've been in a long, long time. and that makes me a better mom. I'll take it.... and accept the casualties that come with it. Sometimes, there's just no other way. Sometimes, there are no more roads left, and it has to be a brand new direction.
Anyway....
If you like to cook, bake, or just have the option, you should check out Tastebook. they have a really awesome selection iof recipes, you can make your own books, add photos, etc... there are a lot of options over there. I've got four little books started already, LOL. It's addiciting!
What about you, Internet? Favorite dishes? Faves you cook or someone cooks/has cooked for you? Things your family can't live without?
A change I'd like to make? To see some green outside. this white crap is killing me. When it's not in single digits, or negatives (which has just been so much fun!!!-do you hear the sarcasm? cause it's not dripping, it's oozing) it's snowing. When it's not snowing, it's a glare of ice. Today is the first day back to school with no delays, and it's snowing. I am shaking my head, squeezing my eyes shut and wishing for a beach somewhere.
But, I can wish for beaches all day long. Not happening. I will deal with this weather the way I have been (no, not by drinking! Why would you say such a thing?.....), and somehow survive the cabin fever without listening to that inner voice that pops up and says "THAT'S why Jack Torrance went crazy on his family...."
I have been cooking and baking a lot lately. Playing around with some recipes and adjusting them to be more versatile, more picky person friendly, and just mine. Mine in the way that whenever my kids eat it, they'll remember just how good their mom's such-and such tasted. I've made muffins, cookies, chicken parmesan, burger dip, lasagna, my knock off stroganoff, chili mac, my sloppy Joe, tuna noodle, and drinks that can be made virgin for the kiddos and add a little something extra for the adults to give some extra warmth. I've been busy. I've also been mixing and matching candle scents to make my own blend for my candle warmer. Basically, my house is always warm, filled with food and smelling yummy. I'm losing the "not so" part of my title here, people. Winter is domesticating me in ways I've never been domesticated before. I'm afraid, Internet. Hold me.
I started out doing it to prove a point, I think. That I **could** try new recipes and ideas without that stupid fear of failure. And I was GOOD at it- my kids enjoyed every single thing. even Alyssa, who is so picky I want to scream sometimes. The kid hates peanut butter. And pizza. And eight hundred other things. They liked the sandwiches I made up as I went, the casseroles and new meatballs and burgers... and I liked that for every new thing they tried, one more fast fix went out the door. You know you've spoiled them when your toddler turns her nose up at spaghetti-o's, and opts for your own pasta. Especially when spaghetti-o's were her favorite food. Heehee.
I'm enjoying this domesticity and that's weird! I've never really BEEN that way before- I mean, i cook, clean, all that good stuff, but there's been so much negative stuff that kept me from really trying to enjoy myself, in whatever I was doing. I've never truly taken pleasure out of creating things, because there was always something keeping me from really letting loose and just going wild with it.
I'm telling you- life really does begin at thirty. Because now I DO go wild with it, whatever it happens to be. And I figure it someone doesn't like it, they can kiss my ass and go on their way. Never thought of it that way before. Now that I do, it's a lot more fun! It makes for an easier day, I'll say that much. You worry soooo much less when you realize that no one, outside your own four walls, has an opinion that can make or break you. Even more when you realize that no one in those four walls does, either.
I've spent a lot of time cracking my own shell, and now I think it's finally just busted open and someone brand new has stepped out. It does make people look at you differently, having a confidence in yourself, a better posture, a better outlook. And it FEELS so much better. I'm a better person than I've been in a long, long time. and that makes me a better mom. I'll take it.... and accept the casualties that come with it. Sometimes, there's just no other way. Sometimes, there are no more roads left, and it has to be a brand new direction.
Anyway....
If you like to cook, bake, or just have the option, you should check out Tastebook. they have a really awesome selection iof recipes, you can make your own books, add photos, etc... there are a lot of options over there. I've got four little books started already, LOL. It's addiciting!
What about you, Internet? Favorite dishes? Faves you cook or someone cooks/has cooked for you? Things your family can't live without?
12/2/08
Getting It
Can you believe it's almost 2009? This year has flown by... I know, I've said that before. But it's so true! It's been an interesting one, too- to say the very least. It's been unusual. It's been beautiful. It's been downright ugly. But it's been an adventure- which is what keeps me going.
Let's see. In 2008, hell froze over. I know, that expression has been sorta used for another album and group, but seriously? So fitting. I got to relive a lot of my warm fuzzy moments, and experience something I didn't even know I'd enjoy nearly as much as I have. And I've had my kids along for most of the ride with me- which has been amazing to do. They've seen pieces of me they wouldn't have otherwise, they've watched me find myself and turn myself around in a lot of ways I didn't know I could, would, or even wanted to. I've been twelve, fifteen, and thirty at the same time. I've found that inner fun again, that girl who knew what was and wasn't, the one who knew what she wanted... and somehow forgot along the way. I've learned what I can and can't accept, handle or want in my life- I've found those non negotiable things. and some of that comes from turning thirty, I think, and looking back, forward and all around. Some of that comes from remembering who I was at some of the best parts of my younger life, embracing it, and saying to hell with what anyone else thinks. This is me, good bad and in between. I'm unashamed, unapologetic, and if it doesn't make me one of the "cool kids", I don't really care. I never was one of the cool kids anyway.
I don't know how to play the game. I don't know how to wear the false face, the better than you attitude, or the your shit stinks and mine's roses smile. That never made me popular. If I don't like you, I don't like you... I'm not shy about that. I don't have it in me for that. And I've hit my stride. I'm comfortable with that. I'm good with what I'm doing (though being a blog superstar? Would rock, and I'd so be lying if I said I didn't want to be one of THOSE cool kids!)But I don't want to be in the "clique"- whether it's the popular moms at my kids' schools, the popular one in the fangirl crowd, or whatever the hell you call us. I'm not sacrificing the parts of myself that seem to need sacrificing for that. The blogosphere, however? That's a different ballgame. Being cool in the blogosphere isn't about losing yourself, it's about BEING yourself. Maybe that's why I'm so comfortable here. I can let it all hang out and not really worry about it.
I can come here and talk about my kids' issues, my issues. I can be a dork, I can cry, rant, rave. I can laugh and gush, I can tell you about teething or snot, birthdays or baking. Music or clothes. Relationships, assholes, people that suck... it doesn't matter what I say. No one is (openly) judging me. And if anyone is? I don't know about it. I can just be... me. Alyssa, Jake and Taylor's mom. I can be autumn. Daughter, friend, lover, woman, PERSON. The New Kids junkie. Not Joe McIntyre's wife (which has been Googled at least six times to find me now... it never fails to crack me up). I don't have to look gorgeous (which never happens anyway, BTW), be dressed nicely (or really, even at all.. cause who would know?) or even comb my hair. I'm just here to ramble about my life, and all it's ins and outs. That? Kicks ass. That people read it? Kicks major ass.
What I'm trying to say is 2008 rocked my socks, turned me inside out, upside down and righted me again. With a grin on my face and a better sense of who this chick really is. Let's make 2009 even bigger, even better. Let's get this, shall we? Let's GET this.
Let's see. In 2008, hell froze over. I know, that expression has been sorta used for another album and group, but seriously? So fitting. I got to relive a lot of my warm fuzzy moments, and experience something I didn't even know I'd enjoy nearly as much as I have. And I've had my kids along for most of the ride with me- which has been amazing to do. They've seen pieces of me they wouldn't have otherwise, they've watched me find myself and turn myself around in a lot of ways I didn't know I could, would, or even wanted to. I've been twelve, fifteen, and thirty at the same time. I've found that inner fun again, that girl who knew what was and wasn't, the one who knew what she wanted... and somehow forgot along the way. I've learned what I can and can't accept, handle or want in my life- I've found those non negotiable things. and some of that comes from turning thirty, I think, and looking back, forward and all around. Some of that comes from remembering who I was at some of the best parts of my younger life, embracing it, and saying to hell with what anyone else thinks. This is me, good bad and in between. I'm unashamed, unapologetic, and if it doesn't make me one of the "cool kids", I don't really care. I never was one of the cool kids anyway.
I don't know how to play the game. I don't know how to wear the false face, the better than you attitude, or the your shit stinks and mine's roses smile. That never made me popular. If I don't like you, I don't like you... I'm not shy about that. I don't have it in me for that. And I've hit my stride. I'm comfortable with that. I'm good with what I'm doing (though being a blog superstar? Would rock, and I'd so be lying if I said I didn't want to be one of THOSE cool kids!)But I don't want to be in the "clique"- whether it's the popular moms at my kids' schools, the popular one in the fangirl crowd, or whatever the hell you call us. I'm not sacrificing the parts of myself that seem to need sacrificing for that. The blogosphere, however? That's a different ballgame. Being cool in the blogosphere isn't about losing yourself, it's about BEING yourself. Maybe that's why I'm so comfortable here. I can let it all hang out and not really worry about it.
I can come here and talk about my kids' issues, my issues. I can be a dork, I can cry, rant, rave. I can laugh and gush, I can tell you about teething or snot, birthdays or baking. Music or clothes. Relationships, assholes, people that suck... it doesn't matter what I say. No one is (openly) judging me. And if anyone is? I don't know about it. I can just be... me. Alyssa, Jake and Taylor's mom. I can be autumn. Daughter, friend, lover, woman, PERSON. The New Kids junkie. Not Joe McIntyre's wife (which has been Googled at least six times to find me now... it never fails to crack me up). I don't have to look gorgeous (which never happens anyway, BTW), be dressed nicely (or really, even at all.. cause who would know?) or even comb my hair. I'm just here to ramble about my life, and all it's ins and outs. That? Kicks ass. That people read it? Kicks major ass.
What I'm trying to say is 2008 rocked my socks, turned me inside out, upside down and righted me again. With a grin on my face and a better sense of who this chick really is. Let's make 2009 even bigger, even better. Let's get this, shall we? Let's GET this.
11/9/08
Award Time!
I'm finally getting around to passing out a couple awards... ahh, procrastination may really be my only talent.
I got these from Whiney Momma- go check her out. and following her lead, I'm passing these out to everyone on my blogroll-I never can choose who to hand out awards to!
I got these from Whiney Momma- go check her out. and following her lead, I'm passing these out to everyone on my blogroll-I never can choose who to hand out awards to!
10/20/08
Ramble, Ramble, Ramble....
I want to start this post off with a big congrats to J, who, over the weekend, became Sports Editor over at Crave Online. Crave is a pretty cool site, if you have never checked it out. they cover sports, comics, movies... they run the gamut of topics over there, and the articles are entertaining and informed. check them out! J has written for them freelance for over a year now, starting with comics, then adding sports to the mix. Now, he's moved up the ladder in the sports area and I can't think of anyone better for the job. The man loves sports, and writes one hell of an article. Pop over there and have a look around- I guarantee that there's something there for you to enjoy.
Next up- I've decided, after months of thinking and procrastinating, to attempt NaBloPoMo for November. Probably because there is no theme. I know myself well enough to realize writing daily, with a theme, would drive me insane. I most likely could not do it, or would claw my face off trying to do it. Writing every day, even on weekends, will be enough of a challenge for me right now, but something that I need to get back into doing. The creative juices are not flowing as freely as they once did (damn the flowage), and I'm hoping winter finds me typing away at something besides the blog, you know? Head over there as well and check it out- it's a fun community to join! And an interesting way to exercise your writing skills, even if those include rambling on and occasionally posting pictures of your cat wearing children's clothing. **cough**
Next month is Taylor's first birthday- I can barely believe it! I'm not planning a huge party- just a family- friends type event here at home, like we did for Alyssa and Jake. I am planning a lot of decorations and things to make it fun for her, and am trying to settle on a theme. The kids' parties have always been themed, but Miss T doesn't really have one thing she favors more, character or toy wise. She's bound and determined to be unique, this teething, non sleeping last baby baby of mine, and she is excelling. LOL So I'm thinking of just doing a theme of my own. Pastels, a few brighter colors, some girly things... something fun, memorable, and non cheesy, like a lot of the first birthday decor sets I'm seeing. Any ideas?
I'm anxious to see where she falls in the first cake category. Alyssa refused to touch her cake. She hated sweets of any kind until she was about three, and on her 1st, i was the one who put her fingers in the frosting... and then dabbed some on her nose and face thinking it would be cute, and she'd see it tasted yummy. It apparently was NOT yummy, and the photos show her crying hysterically as we rush to wipe the poison evil of sugar from her face and hands. I remember her flailing her hands in the air, screeching at the injustice of me trying to give her frosting and cake.
Jake, on the other hand... LOL. Jake tore his cake up. And then became territorial and swiped at anyone attempting to clean him off, remove the cake, etc... it was hysterical. He was covered by the time he was done. He tested it warily at first, and then plowed in, got it EVERYWHERE, got tired and proceeded to rub his face and head with his cake hands. The final pic of that we have is him leaning away from J, glaring as he approached to remove him from the demolition site. It took forever to get the frosting off of him, even in the bath. That stuff is like glue in hair.
So, I'm excited and a little sad. First birthdays are bittersweet. My baby is heading for toddler land, and soon the snuggles and games are going to change. The babbles will be real words and sentences, the crawling and pulling up will be walking, then running. The still gummy smiles will be filled with actual teeth, and the little curls will be longer and lose that baby fine texture. I don't really miss those early weeks and months, but there's a longing nonetheless. I miss the idea of doing it again, I suppose. The possibility.
But I look at all three of them, in their various stages and ones they've gone through, and I can say I am content with things as they are. Because there may be times I'll miss the small, sweet babies they used to be, I can watch them change, grow, become their own people and see so many possibilities.
I was going to touch on politics today, but it doesn't seem the post for it. Next time, maybe, when I can take time to really think about how I want to say things. For now, I'll leave you guys with this- pick a memory. A good one! Now, take a few minutes to be nostalgic- remember something that will give you the warm fuzzies all over. Whether it's your first kiss, your first baby, your first.. heh... take a few minutes to look back and remember- you are where you are, in part, because of that very moment. Weird, huh? Now, think of a not so good memory- and it's the same thing. You wouldn't be where you are without either. Think about that. what did you learn? How did it shape you? What did you walk away from it with, what did you leave behind?
Just food for thought.....
Next up- I've decided, after months of thinking and procrastinating, to attempt NaBloPoMo for November. Probably because there is no theme. I know myself well enough to realize writing daily, with a theme, would drive me insane. I most likely could not do it, or would claw my face off trying to do it. Writing every day, even on weekends, will be enough of a challenge for me right now, but something that I need to get back into doing. The creative juices are not flowing as freely as they once did (damn the flowage), and I'm hoping winter finds me typing away at something besides the blog, you know? Head over there as well and check it out- it's a fun community to join! And an interesting way to exercise your writing skills, even if those include rambling on and occasionally posting pictures of your cat wearing children's clothing. **cough**
Next month is Taylor's first birthday- I can barely believe it! I'm not planning a huge party- just a family- friends type event here at home, like we did for Alyssa and Jake. I am planning a lot of decorations and things to make it fun for her, and am trying to settle on a theme. The kids' parties have always been themed, but Miss T doesn't really have one thing she favors more, character or toy wise. She's bound and determined to be unique, this teething, non sleeping last baby baby of mine, and she is excelling. LOL So I'm thinking of just doing a theme of my own. Pastels, a few brighter colors, some girly things... something fun, memorable, and non cheesy, like a lot of the first birthday decor sets I'm seeing. Any ideas?
I'm anxious to see where she falls in the first cake category. Alyssa refused to touch her cake. She hated sweets of any kind until she was about three, and on her 1st, i was the one who put her fingers in the frosting... and then dabbed some on her nose and face thinking it would be cute, and she'd see it tasted yummy. It apparently was NOT yummy, and the photos show her crying hysterically as we rush to wipe the poison evil of sugar from her face and hands. I remember her flailing her hands in the air, screeching at the injustice of me trying to give her frosting and cake.
Jake, on the other hand... LOL. Jake tore his cake up. And then became territorial and swiped at anyone attempting to clean him off, remove the cake, etc... it was hysterical. He was covered by the time he was done. He tested it warily at first, and then plowed in, got it EVERYWHERE, got tired and proceeded to rub his face and head with his cake hands. The final pic of that we have is him leaning away from J, glaring as he approached to remove him from the demolition site. It took forever to get the frosting off of him, even in the bath. That stuff is like glue in hair.
So, I'm excited and a little sad. First birthdays are bittersweet. My baby is heading for toddler land, and soon the snuggles and games are going to change. The babbles will be real words and sentences, the crawling and pulling up will be walking, then running. The still gummy smiles will be filled with actual teeth, and the little curls will be longer and lose that baby fine texture. I don't really miss those early weeks and months, but there's a longing nonetheless. I miss the idea of doing it again, I suppose. The possibility.
But I look at all three of them, in their various stages and ones they've gone through, and I can say I am content with things as they are. Because there may be times I'll miss the small, sweet babies they used to be, I can watch them change, grow, become their own people and see so many possibilities.
I was going to touch on politics today, but it doesn't seem the post for it. Next time, maybe, when I can take time to really think about how I want to say things. For now, I'll leave you guys with this- pick a memory. A good one! Now, take a few minutes to be nostalgic- remember something that will give you the warm fuzzies all over. Whether it's your first kiss, your first baby, your first.. heh... take a few minutes to look back and remember- you are where you are, in part, because of that very moment. Weird, huh? Now, think of a not so good memory- and it's the same thing. You wouldn't be where you are without either. Think about that. what did you learn? How did it shape you? What did you walk away from it with, what did you leave behind?
Just food for thought.....
10/13/08
When Good Electronics Go Bad.....
I had this title prepared when I signed in this morning, since lately, I'm having brain malfunction every time I try to think of one. Then I signed in, checked some things, and had a brain malfunction again. But, despite badly wanting to use another title, I went with this one. Because although I'm not big on coincidence, I'm also not big on over thinking something that probably really is a coincidence. A repeated, location specific coincidence. **cough**
I have a lot to say today (surprise, surprise) and I'm probably going to be all over the board with it (again, surprise...) but I feel good this morning, and I'm going with that. Today is starting out with hope, something that I've not felt, completely, for a while now. Because of all that's been happening, everything's had that smudge on it, if that makes sense to you guys. Even the most enjoyable moments, and there have been more than a few, didn't completely take away my anxiety. This morning, I feel good. So, bear with me as I bounce around.
The electronics here at Casa Diva seem disgruntled. Maybe they feel over worked and underpaid, I dunno... but first, J's beloved 360 decided to keel over, complete with the Red Ring of Death. And oh my God- the drama of that was insane. Boys and toys, like boys and sports, are interesting to watch. Especially when said toy takes its leave. I thought I was the creative one when it came to cussing. Apparently, I was wrong....
Then, the microwave kicked it. Like, surged, attempted to set on fire, then just... stopped. I regained my title with that whole creative thing.. although nothing could top when the ATM was being serviced at the bank on the 3rd. THAT was definite creativity- and apparently, also very amusing. I put things together I'd never even SAID... and then had to threaten my children not to ever, ever repeat any of those words, together or apart....
I digress (again). First, 360. Next, microwave. In the midst of those, both sets of headphones lost the soft thingy around the ears... on the left side. Both sets, on the left side. And the speakers on the comp are dying.. the music stuff I get. That IS over worked, especially lately. I've never been easy on anything that plays music- I've gone through more cassette players, CD players, speakers, Walkman, etc.... I play frequently, I play loud. They need to keep up with me. :)
This morning, the hair dryer surged at me. I shit you not. I couldn't make this stuff up, people. I mean, obviously I COULD, but what would be the point? I am keeping my fingers crossed at this point that the electronics decide not to continue on their suicide missions. Because now we need a damn microwave, and J will be panting for a 360. Me, I want a Wii, but that's beside the point...
Something else I was thinking about (yes, I DO think about too much at one time, thanks for noticing) is how different all the blogs I frequent really are. From mine, from one another. I mean, everyone I read is diverse, everyone has something unique to offer. That's why there are so many people reading so many blogs, I think- people are so open when they write, you really do get a glimpse into who they are. And that can be pretty awesome. I haven't read anyone, yet, who censors themselves, or worries (too much) about who will read them, or what they'll think if they do. I'm working on that, LOL.
I know that for me, like a lot of people, this is sort of an escape. I always deal better with things when I can write them down. It gives me a different way to process things, see things, etc., and I usually feel better once I've got something on paper (or PC) and I can go back and look at it. Blogging does all that and then also offers the support of others, the opinions... it's nice to get the feedback, and see someone else that's either been there, or cares that you ARE there. That means a lot, and has carried me through a lot of the last few weeks. This is THE place where i can say exactly what I want, and no one's going to look shocked, or tell me to calm down, don't say-do that, feel that way, etc... And even if they think it, I don't know they are. :)
So, thanks, for anyone who reads, even if you never comment. Double thanks to those who do both. It's weird to me that ANYONE wants to see what I have to say about anything. even weirder that a lot of you keep coming back. Because I'm never one just one track, and I'm more than likely going to be completely random, and cover a myriad of things happening.
What I'm saying is I appreciate you. All of you. Sometimes, you get me through my day (some of you in more ways than one- odd shit, that). Sometimes, you get me through a few days, a week. So, thanks. For reading, for coming back to read again, for commenting... You never know what's going to make someone's day. Now ya do. :)
I have a lot to say today (surprise, surprise) and I'm probably going to be all over the board with it (again, surprise...) but I feel good this morning, and I'm going with that. Today is starting out with hope, something that I've not felt, completely, for a while now. Because of all that's been happening, everything's had that smudge on it, if that makes sense to you guys. Even the most enjoyable moments, and there have been more than a few, didn't completely take away my anxiety. This morning, I feel good. So, bear with me as I bounce around.
The electronics here at Casa Diva seem disgruntled. Maybe they feel over worked and underpaid, I dunno... but first, J's beloved 360 decided to keel over, complete with the Red Ring of Death. And oh my God- the drama of that was insane. Boys and toys, like boys and sports, are interesting to watch. Especially when said toy takes its leave. I thought I was the creative one when it came to cussing. Apparently, I was wrong....
Then, the microwave kicked it. Like, surged, attempted to set on fire, then just... stopped. I regained my title with that whole creative thing.. although nothing could top when the ATM was being serviced at the bank on the 3rd. THAT was definite creativity- and apparently, also very amusing. I put things together I'd never even SAID... and then had to threaten my children not to ever, ever repeat any of those words, together or apart....
I digress (again). First, 360. Next, microwave. In the midst of those, both sets of headphones lost the soft thingy around the ears... on the left side. Both sets, on the left side. And the speakers on the comp are dying.. the music stuff I get. That IS over worked, especially lately. I've never been easy on anything that plays music- I've gone through more cassette players, CD players, speakers, Walkman, etc.... I play frequently, I play loud. They need to keep up with me. :)
This morning, the hair dryer surged at me. I shit you not. I couldn't make this stuff up, people. I mean, obviously I COULD, but what would be the point? I am keeping my fingers crossed at this point that the electronics decide not to continue on their suicide missions. Because now we need a damn microwave, and J will be panting for a 360. Me, I want a Wii, but that's beside the point...
Something else I was thinking about (yes, I DO think about too much at one time, thanks for noticing) is how different all the blogs I frequent really are. From mine, from one another. I mean, everyone I read is diverse, everyone has something unique to offer. That's why there are so many people reading so many blogs, I think- people are so open when they write, you really do get a glimpse into who they are. And that can be pretty awesome. I haven't read anyone, yet, who censors themselves, or worries (too much) about who will read them, or what they'll think if they do. I'm working on that, LOL.
I know that for me, like a lot of people, this is sort of an escape. I always deal better with things when I can write them down. It gives me a different way to process things, see things, etc., and I usually feel better once I've got something on paper (or PC) and I can go back and look at it. Blogging does all that and then also offers the support of others, the opinions... it's nice to get the feedback, and see someone else that's either been there, or cares that you ARE there. That means a lot, and has carried me through a lot of the last few weeks. This is THE place where i can say exactly what I want, and no one's going to look shocked, or tell me to calm down, don't say-do that, feel that way, etc... And even if they think it, I don't know they are. :)
So, thanks, for anyone who reads, even if you never comment. Double thanks to those who do both. It's weird to me that ANYONE wants to see what I have to say about anything. even weirder that a lot of you keep coming back. Because I'm never one just one track, and I'm more than likely going to be completely random, and cover a myriad of things happening.
What I'm saying is I appreciate you. All of you. Sometimes, you get me through my day (some of you in more ways than one- odd shit, that). Sometimes, you get me through a few days, a week. So, thanks. For reading, for coming back to read again, for commenting... You never know what's going to make someone's day. Now ya do. :)
10/7/08
5 Facts for Awareness
Since October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I am encouraging all of you to go to the Purina Cat Chow website and learn five facts about breast cancer. For each person who does so, one dollar will be donated to the Susan G. Komen For the Cure foundation. This is one dollar in addition to the $175,000 already donated by Purina. The goal they're trying to reach is $225, ooo.
It takes less than five minutes, and not only can you donate in your name, a survivor's name, or anyone else of your choosing, you can learn five facts that can be pretty useful in the fight for early detection and prevention.
Thanks!
**edited to add- ** the links above do not seem to be working for some reason. The websites are as follows:
catchow.com/pink
www.komen.org
Thanks to Casey for pointing that out to me. **
It takes less than five minutes, and not only can you donate in your name, a survivor's name, or anyone else of your choosing, you can learn five facts that can be pretty useful in the fight for early detection and prevention.
Thanks!
**edited to add- ** the links above do not seem to be working for some reason. The websites are as follows:
catchow.com/pink
www.komen.org
Thanks to Casey for pointing that out to me. **
10/6/08
Back To Reality
I hate Mondays. Not saying anything that you've never heard before, I'm sure. But this Monday especially? Was slam back into reality. I feel that we are preparing for the biggest hurdle yet (and we've had our share of biggies, believe me), and I hate that this is happening. I hate that Jake is going through this, that he has to keep going through this.
We go later in the week so he can be formally interviewed, with recordings, because the report I filed has been accepted and is being investigated. If he were to return to school, this teacher is not allowed to be with him unsupervised at any time. He is not returning- there's been too much damage done now, and he is too afraid. A caseworker from CS came to the house today, to talk with him, and he was too scared to share anything with her. Because his teacher would hurt him. His words. I got him to talk about it again with me, before she came, to ease him into talking freely about it. When he realized he would have to talk about it with someone else, he panicked. He was crying, running, trying to hide. He didn't want to tell, because (insert name here) will be bad to him, she's bad to him. He was in full melt down mode for almost half an hour.
I am heartsick. This could explain his anxiety of late, the whining and crying that he couldn't explain. And I've been sending him into that situation, daily. He's confused, afraid, worried... he wants to go to school. He doesn't want to leave the house. He wants his friends. He does not want to see her. He thinks it is his fault, that he did something wrong and is being punished. And making him understand is almost impossible.
I want this woman in the worst way, and I hate feeling like that. I hate this boiling anger that I'm carrying inside of me now. I am almost sick with the rage that I have- but that's normal, considering what Jake's going through and been through. I want to know why, though, and I doubt that's an answer we'll get. I think it's because of a lot of things- most importantly being the fact that I didn't drop it when push came to shove. How could I though? He's my child. And when it comes to my kids? I will never drop it, whatever "it" happens to be at the moment.
The thought of all of it makes me physically ill. I feel like I enabled someone to mistreat him, to lie on him, to bully him, to scare him. To possibly have hurt him. Scar him. And most of all, confuse him. Because he doesn't get it. He sees a person of authority shouting at him, and then he isn't back in school. He figures it's his fault. And that alone- some of the things he has said- makes me wonder exactly what goes on in there. Special needs kids are easy victims- they trust and believe people very easily. Or aren't believed when they speak up. Think about it- if it comes down to he said/she said, you have a teacher who is trained to work with special needs.... and an autistic, bi-polar six year old. How easy would it be to brush off his stories as fantasy? As imagination? And those are words this teacher has used on every occasion I've been around her- about every kid she's dealing with. Play acting, imaginative, story tellers, little actors, liars... as if they are totally unbelievable. Maybe she counts on those seeds she plants. I'm willing to bet that she does.
And I'm not saying he hasn't had some fantastic tales- but those are very obvious. And like I've said before- when he is lying, you can tell. He skips from moment to moment, story to story, and simply cannot remember what he's said or not said. When he tells you something over and over again? He's telling you the truth. He wouldn't remember otherwise.
I want this to go away. For him. For all of us, to get back into some normalcy, some routine. But I am willing to risk every piece of "normal" to prove that I will never stop, when it comes to my children. I will continue to fight for him, any of them, every second of every day, until their world is right again.
Because that fear in his eyes? Kills me. It sickens me, angers me, tears at my heart in a way that nothing ever has before. His confusion, his worry, his behavior changes? Are keeping me moving, searching, learning every angle on this sort of situation. I'm looking into every possible step that can be taken to make sure this never, ever happens again. To him, or to anyone else.
Because I can guarantee two things. Jake is not the first kid she's done this to- there's just no way. He will, however, be the last. I'm going to make sure of that.
We go later in the week so he can be formally interviewed, with recordings, because the report I filed has been accepted and is being investigated. If he were to return to school, this teacher is not allowed to be with him unsupervised at any time. He is not returning- there's been too much damage done now, and he is too afraid. A caseworker from CS came to the house today, to talk with him, and he was too scared to share anything with her. Because his teacher would hurt him. His words. I got him to talk about it again with me, before she came, to ease him into talking freely about it. When he realized he would have to talk about it with someone else, he panicked. He was crying, running, trying to hide. He didn't want to tell, because (insert name here) will be bad to him, she's bad to him. He was in full melt down mode for almost half an hour.
I am heartsick. This could explain his anxiety of late, the whining and crying that he couldn't explain. And I've been sending him into that situation, daily. He's confused, afraid, worried... he wants to go to school. He doesn't want to leave the house. He wants his friends. He does not want to see her. He thinks it is his fault, that he did something wrong and is being punished. And making him understand is almost impossible.
I want this woman in the worst way, and I hate feeling like that. I hate this boiling anger that I'm carrying inside of me now. I am almost sick with the rage that I have- but that's normal, considering what Jake's going through and been through. I want to know why, though, and I doubt that's an answer we'll get. I think it's because of a lot of things- most importantly being the fact that I didn't drop it when push came to shove. How could I though? He's my child. And when it comes to my kids? I will never drop it, whatever "it" happens to be at the moment.
The thought of all of it makes me physically ill. I feel like I enabled someone to mistreat him, to lie on him, to bully him, to scare him. To possibly have hurt him. Scar him. And most of all, confuse him. Because he doesn't get it. He sees a person of authority shouting at him, and then he isn't back in school. He figures it's his fault. And that alone- some of the things he has said- makes me wonder exactly what goes on in there. Special needs kids are easy victims- they trust and believe people very easily. Or aren't believed when they speak up. Think about it- if it comes down to he said/she said, you have a teacher who is trained to work with special needs.... and an autistic, bi-polar six year old. How easy would it be to brush off his stories as fantasy? As imagination? And those are words this teacher has used on every occasion I've been around her- about every kid she's dealing with. Play acting, imaginative, story tellers, little actors, liars... as if they are totally unbelievable. Maybe she counts on those seeds she plants. I'm willing to bet that she does.
And I'm not saying he hasn't had some fantastic tales- but those are very obvious. And like I've said before- when he is lying, you can tell. He skips from moment to moment, story to story, and simply cannot remember what he's said or not said. When he tells you something over and over again? He's telling you the truth. He wouldn't remember otherwise.
I want this to go away. For him. For all of us, to get back into some normalcy, some routine. But I am willing to risk every piece of "normal" to prove that I will never stop, when it comes to my children. I will continue to fight for him, any of them, every second of every day, until their world is right again.
Because that fear in his eyes? Kills me. It sickens me, angers me, tears at my heart in a way that nothing ever has before. His confusion, his worry, his behavior changes? Are keeping me moving, searching, learning every angle on this sort of situation. I'm looking into every possible step that can be taken to make sure this never, ever happens again. To him, or to anyone else.
Because I can guarantee two things. Jake is not the first kid she's done this to- there's just no way. He will, however, be the last. I'm going to make sure of that.
9/30/08
Drawing A Blank
I don't have a title as of right now. Maybe it'll come to me as I type, maybe it'll stay the way it is right now. Eh.
Today was the final meeting in putting the school catastrophe to bed. I am so relieved that's over I can't even express it in words. I also cannot put into words how it made me feel to be complimented on my handling of this situation and in getting the proper help and care for Jacob. It's nice to hear once in awhile, from anyone. Especially professionals who mention my intelligence, my knowledge of my child and his situation, reactions, etc. It gives you a boost to get a pat on the back- and people don't do it often enough for one another. Because there are plenty of days when it can make every bit of difference in a person's outlook. Believe me.
I'm guilty of not being forthcoming on the "good job" front myself. But hearing it more than once in the last few days has made me think about it a lot. Just those words have made me rethink myself some; imagine what they could do for other people too? Especially people who don't think of themselves as particularly intelligent, as a great parent, etc.... Someone telling you that yuoi are something positive will change how you see yourself, and make you look closer at what others are good at. It has me, anyway.
Now that this is all over, my mind isn't as all over the place. I am focused... and my focus is, of course, on Friday. And even more so now that I found out that my seats? Are going to be right next to the 2nd stage. There is a smaller stage set up with a piano, and room enough for five men. This stage is on the floor of the arena, in the middle of the crowd. In the aisles. I am on the floor. My seat is on the aisle. And I shit you not, when I read this little piece of information? I almost had a panic attack. Probably because I had just finished watching another spoiler (yeah, yeah, I know, shame on me...) where they were on that 2nd stage. I swear to God, I'm thirteen years old right now. And it gets worse with every passing hour. By Friday morning I'll be unable to communicate without screeching like a deranged monkey. And I'm good with that.
To complete my spiral into teenybop land, I'm off to shoo the kids to bed, make a fried pb sandwich, a cappuccino, and settle in with 90210. Tomorrow, more on fall TV, and probably more on the upcoming nervous breakdown. LOL
Today was the final meeting in putting the school catastrophe to bed. I am so relieved that's over I can't even express it in words. I also cannot put into words how it made me feel to be complimented on my handling of this situation and in getting the proper help and care for Jacob. It's nice to hear once in awhile, from anyone. Especially professionals who mention my intelligence, my knowledge of my child and his situation, reactions, etc. It gives you a boost to get a pat on the back- and people don't do it often enough for one another. Because there are plenty of days when it can make every bit of difference in a person's outlook. Believe me.
I'm guilty of not being forthcoming on the "good job" front myself. But hearing it more than once in the last few days has made me think about it a lot. Just those words have made me rethink myself some; imagine what they could do for other people too? Especially people who don't think of themselves as particularly intelligent, as a great parent, etc.... Someone telling you that yuoi are something positive will change how you see yourself, and make you look closer at what others are good at. It has me, anyway.
Now that this is all over, my mind isn't as all over the place. I am focused... and my focus is, of course, on Friday. And even more so now that I found out that my seats? Are going to be right next to the 2nd stage. There is a smaller stage set up with a piano, and room enough for five men. This stage is on the floor of the arena, in the middle of the crowd. In the aisles. I am on the floor. My seat is on the aisle. And I shit you not, when I read this little piece of information? I almost had a panic attack. Probably because I had just finished watching another spoiler (yeah, yeah, I know, shame on me...) where they were on that 2nd stage. I swear to God, I'm thirteen years old right now. And it gets worse with every passing hour. By Friday morning I'll be unable to communicate without screeching like a deranged monkey. And I'm good with that.
To complete my spiral into teenybop land, I'm off to shoo the kids to bed, make a fried pb sandwich, a cappuccino, and settle in with 90210. Tomorrow, more on fall TV, and probably more on the upcoming nervous breakdown. LOL
9/25/08
An American Girl
Quick update on the last post- things are still not worked out to my satisfaction, and I'm still working on getting there. Another meeting in the morning, possibly one next week. Any idea how much dealing with this shit long term, especially next week, pisses me off? Yeah. Should have been taken care of by now. I have no patience for things, especially things involving my family. I want it taken care of, handled in the proper way, and finished. Next week was supposed to be Fun Week here, and I'm going to do my damndest to make sure it stays that way. Of course, next week could also be Mommy Why Are You Acting Like a Maniac Week, ya never know.
I'm losing sleep, thanks to the situation, Taylor cutting teeth (top two are finally in, joining the bottom two, she is now cutting side teeth. saying she is cranky is a major understatement. Major.), and this countdown thing I got going on, sleep is now a long lost friend that I pray to eventually meet up with again. When the children are grown, perhaps. LOL
I'm not packed yet. I do have my shirts lined up, need to buy a new pair of jeans, take my favorite worn in, slightly ripped pair for comfort, and grab a few other essentials for my overnight bag. I can't even really think about it without getting butterflies, which at least gets my mind of the school mess for a minute. I've been watching some clips on youtube (but I'm not pausing them.. **cough**) even though I shouldn't, and I've come to realize that all this money? Is being paid for one song, really. LOL I'm not telling which one. But that's what it seems to come down to; I'm excited for the whole thing, beyond belief. But this one song sends me over the moon and back again. I'll just say I've waited 20 years to see this live, and it seems I'm finally gonna get the chance. Humor me, people. I'm crazed with all of this, I recognize it, and embrace it. LOL
I just wish things could be less complicated. I'm not a drama queen. i want to chill out with my family and my friends, you know? i want to cook and write, get ready for the holidays (huge holiday person, I bake non stop from October to February!), and just be. I don't like all the baggage, all the excess bullshit. But I'll walk head on into it if i have to, so it gets dealt with, and out of my way. All I want in terms of excitement? A cup of cappucino, a bubble bath and a good book I can curl up on the couch with and get lost in. Is that really too much to ask??? I really am just a simple girl at heart. Boring, though? Never. ;)
I'll keep you updated on the happenings around here. Tomorrow -Monday will be about school dealings. Unless i need to really vent, the updates there will be brief. I'm too wound about that as it is, and need to refocus.
The next week will probably be all about Cleveland, so read at your own risk! And on the day of, I'll be twittering up till show time. And again after, if I'm able to make sense. I'm headed for The Block and I'm taking you with me. ;)
I'm losing sleep, thanks to the situation, Taylor cutting teeth (top two are finally in, joining the bottom two, she is now cutting side teeth. saying she is cranky is a major understatement. Major.), and this countdown thing I got going on, sleep is now a long lost friend that I pray to eventually meet up with again. When the children are grown, perhaps. LOL
I'm not packed yet. I do have my shirts lined up, need to buy a new pair of jeans, take my favorite worn in, slightly ripped pair for comfort, and grab a few other essentials for my overnight bag. I can't even really think about it without getting butterflies, which at least gets my mind of the school mess for a minute. I've been watching some clips on youtube (but I'm not pausing them.. **cough**) even though I shouldn't, and I've come to realize that all this money? Is being paid for one song, really. LOL I'm not telling which one. But that's what it seems to come down to; I'm excited for the whole thing, beyond belief. But this one song sends me over the moon and back again. I'll just say I've waited 20 years to see this live, and it seems I'm finally gonna get the chance. Humor me, people. I'm crazed with all of this, I recognize it, and embrace it. LOL
I just wish things could be less complicated. I'm not a drama queen. i want to chill out with my family and my friends, you know? i want to cook and write, get ready for the holidays (huge holiday person, I bake non stop from October to February!), and just be. I don't like all the baggage, all the excess bullshit. But I'll walk head on into it if i have to, so it gets dealt with, and out of my way. All I want in terms of excitement? A cup of cappucino, a bubble bath and a good book I can curl up on the couch with and get lost in. Is that really too much to ask??? I really am just a simple girl at heart. Boring, though? Never. ;)
I'll keep you updated on the happenings around here. Tomorrow -Monday will be about school dealings. Unless i need to really vent, the updates there will be brief. I'm too wound about that as it is, and need to refocus.
The next week will probably be all about Cleveland, so read at your own risk! And on the day of, I'll be twittering up till show time. And again after, if I'm able to make sense. I'm headed for The Block and I'm taking you with me. ;)
9/13/08
It's All About The Tunes
Just wanted to take a minute and update you, Internet, on the music I've got blaring these days. It changes up a little with my mood, with what's going on day to day, but there is a running theme. Other than the NKOTB part, there's a running theme. **smile**
1. I'm Single Again - Trina. The remix of this, too, which gives the male perspective on it.
2. 2 in the Morning, Officially Over, Single, Dirty Dancing, Put it on My Tab, Summertime, Big Girl Now, Grown Man, Stare at You, Click Click Click & various others- New Kids on the Block. This album rocks, but these are the ones on repeat. Especially the first two mentioned.
3. Anything danceable. I'm just in that mood. No weepy sad songs, none of that here. Most of the play list is the same, these are just the newest additions, and the ones getting the most play. I'm in the mood to just enjoy, like I said earlier, and screw everyone else's drama. I don't care.
Like some of my favorite people have said recently, for various reasons- It's Official.
1. I'm Single Again - Trina. The remix of this, too, which gives the male perspective on it.
2. 2 in the Morning, Officially Over, Single, Dirty Dancing, Put it on My Tab, Summertime, Big Girl Now, Grown Man, Stare at You, Click Click Click & various others- New Kids on the Block. This album rocks, but these are the ones on repeat. Especially the first two mentioned.
3. Anything danceable. I'm just in that mood. No weepy sad songs, none of that here. Most of the play list is the same, these are just the newest additions, and the ones getting the most play. I'm in the mood to just enjoy, like I said earlier, and screw everyone else's drama. I don't care.
Like some of my favorite people have said recently, for various reasons- It's Official.
9/8/08
Like You Were Dyin'
I've spent so much time the last few months wondering where I was going. Where I wanted to go, where I didn't.... and after the initial jumble of emotions, when the decisions came, they were just there. Conversations I've had have encouraged me, reaffirmed me, and some, though they still hurt like hell, have narrowed that path I somehow still wanted to have a wider, more optioned fork. Some things are not an option. I'm learning that, and I'm going from there.
So here I am. I am stronger, in a lot of ways, than I have ever been. My acceptable and unacceptable lists are a lot different than they used to be- and for some of that, I feel some regret. But it is what it is, and the people in my life have shaped those lists, made up a mind that is now completely my own. There is no longer that voice in my mind, the one I heard all of my life, telling me to doubt everything. The ghosts are gone, all of them. I have no time for it anymore- I have a life to live, and I have three sets of eyes watching me to see just how I do that. I ow it to them, to me, to do it right. For the first time, ever, I feel I am simply my own. I am no longer intimidated, by anything. I am finally free to feel, think, say and do what I want- and for the last few years, I've been the one holding me back, the only one.
this song says a lot about the way I'm thinking and feeling right now- and no, before anyone worries, I am NOT sick. I'm perfectly healthy, physically, mentally, spiritually... and I feel good. I think the song has a good message and one we could all benefit from.
I'm in a good place. One I'm enjoying. A healthy one, a happy one, a determined, focused, over it place where I can just grab life by the horns and GO.
Care to join me?
He said I was in my early forties,
With a lot of life before me,
And a moment came that stopped me on a dime.
I spent most of the next days, lookin' at the x-rays,
Talkin' 'bout the options and talkin' 'bout sweet time.
Asked him when it sank in, and this might really be the real end.
How's it hit ya, when you get that kind of news.
Man what ya do.
And he says,
[Chorus]
I went sky divin',
I went rocky mountain climbin',
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull name Fu Manchu.
And I loved deeper,
And I spoke sweeter,
And I gave forgiveness I've been denying,
And he said someday I hope you get the chance,
To live like you were dyin'.
He said I was finally the husband,
That most the time I wasn't.
And I became a friend a friend would like to have.
And all the sudden goin' fishing,
Wasn't such an imposition.
And I went three times that year I lost my dad.
Well I finally read the good book,
And I took a good long hard look at what I'd do
If I could do it all again.
And then.
[Chorus]
Like tomorrow was a gift and you've got eternity
To think about what you do with it,
What could you do with it, what can
I do with with it, what would I do with it.
[Chorus]
I went sky divin',
I went rocky mountain climbin',
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull name Fu Manchu.
And I loved deeper,
And I spoke sweeter,
And I watched an eagle as it was flyin'.
And he said someday I hope you get the chance,
To live like you were dyin'.
To live like you were dyin'.
To live like you were dyin'.
To live like you were dyin'.
To live like you were dyin'.
So here I am. I am stronger, in a lot of ways, than I have ever been. My acceptable and unacceptable lists are a lot different than they used to be- and for some of that, I feel some regret. But it is what it is, and the people in my life have shaped those lists, made up a mind that is now completely my own. There is no longer that voice in my mind, the one I heard all of my life, telling me to doubt everything. The ghosts are gone, all of them. I have no time for it anymore- I have a life to live, and I have three sets of eyes watching me to see just how I do that. I ow it to them, to me, to do it right. For the first time, ever, I feel I am simply my own. I am no longer intimidated, by anything. I am finally free to feel, think, say and do what I want- and for the last few years, I've been the one holding me back, the only one.
this song says a lot about the way I'm thinking and feeling right now- and no, before anyone worries, I am NOT sick. I'm perfectly healthy, physically, mentally, spiritually... and I feel good. I think the song has a good message and one we could all benefit from.
I'm in a good place. One I'm enjoying. A healthy one, a happy one, a determined, focused, over it place where I can just grab life by the horns and GO.
Care to join me?
He said I was in my early forties,
With a lot of life before me,
And a moment came that stopped me on a dime.
I spent most of the next days, lookin' at the x-rays,
Talkin' 'bout the options and talkin' 'bout sweet time.
Asked him when it sank in, and this might really be the real end.
How's it hit ya, when you get that kind of news.
Man what ya do.
And he says,
[Chorus]
I went sky divin',
I went rocky mountain climbin',
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull name Fu Manchu.
And I loved deeper,
And I spoke sweeter,
And I gave forgiveness I've been denying,
And he said someday I hope you get the chance,
To live like you were dyin'.
He said I was finally the husband,
That most the time I wasn't.
And I became a friend a friend would like to have.
And all the sudden goin' fishing,
Wasn't such an imposition.
And I went three times that year I lost my dad.
Well I finally read the good book,
And I took a good long hard look at what I'd do
If I could do it all again.
And then.
[Chorus]
Like tomorrow was a gift and you've got eternity
To think about what you do with it,
What could you do with it, what can
I do with with it, what would I do with it.
[Chorus]
I went sky divin',
I went rocky mountain climbin',
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull name Fu Manchu.
And I loved deeper,
And I spoke sweeter,
And I watched an eagle as it was flyin'.
And he said someday I hope you get the chance,
To live like you were dyin'.
To live like you were dyin'.
To live like you were dyin'.
To live like you were dyin'.
To live like you were dyin'.
8/28/08
Silence
Today is the first semi "normal" day I've had this week. Monday was prepping for the school week. Tuesday was the first day of school, which involved all the hassle of getting Jake settled. Yesterday, i got my wisdom teeth out and we had another issue with the school. I think that's finally settled though. God knows it better be.
So far, the kids are loving the back to school deal. Alyssa is happy with who her teacher is (and I was relieved.) Jake seems to be adjusting and doing well.. he even had and did homework yesterday! It's going to be ok. I keep tellig myself that- it's going to be ok.
As for me, I spoke too soon about feeling well yesterday. I've been out of it, basically, since around six last night. I have no idea how I got the kids out the door this morning, I really don't. I'm not in a lot of pain, but I'm sick to my stomach and dizzy. And exhausted. I think the last weeks have caught up with me, and adding dental crap to it has just wiped me out completely. I started throwing up around 4 this morning (no blood, the extraction sites are perfectly fine) and thought I was going to pass out this morning when I was helping Lyss with her hair.
The good thing is she's becoming so responsible about school, etc. I don't have to be after her to hurry, to get dressed, to find this or that. Everything's done when they get home. Papers signed, homework done and put back in their folders, then returned to their backpacks. Lunches (if needed, usually just for Miss Picky) prepped the night before, clothes, etc., all ready. and we get up early enough to take our time. I hate rushing around, half awake, and I think they do better through the day if they can be comfortable in the mornings getting ready. This year has been a major improvement, already, when it comes to being organized. With the shift change coming up, I am worried, though, that it will somehow get messed up.
Yeah, I said shift change. Jim's moving to 2nd shift, so we're on our own in the evenings soon. I think that will be good for all of us, for various reasons. It will be sort of weird, I guess, at first, but it'll get me into a different routine a lot faster. And if anyone needs an entire evening routine makeover, it's this house!
I'm out, for now. My plans for the day? Not much! LOL Relaxing and playing with Taylor just about covers it. That's more than enough for me today!
So far, the kids are loving the back to school deal. Alyssa is happy with who her teacher is (and I was relieved.) Jake seems to be adjusting and doing well.. he even had and did homework yesterday! It's going to be ok. I keep tellig myself that- it's going to be ok.
As for me, I spoke too soon about feeling well yesterday. I've been out of it, basically, since around six last night. I have no idea how I got the kids out the door this morning, I really don't. I'm not in a lot of pain, but I'm sick to my stomach and dizzy. And exhausted. I think the last weeks have caught up with me, and adding dental crap to it has just wiped me out completely. I started throwing up around 4 this morning (no blood, the extraction sites are perfectly fine) and thought I was going to pass out this morning when I was helping Lyss with her hair.
The good thing is she's becoming so responsible about school, etc. I don't have to be after her to hurry, to get dressed, to find this or that. Everything's done when they get home. Papers signed, homework done and put back in their folders, then returned to their backpacks. Lunches (if needed, usually just for Miss Picky) prepped the night before, clothes, etc., all ready. and we get up early enough to take our time. I hate rushing around, half awake, and I think they do better through the day if they can be comfortable in the mornings getting ready. This year has been a major improvement, already, when it comes to being organized. With the shift change coming up, I am worried, though, that it will somehow get messed up.
Yeah, I said shift change. Jim's moving to 2nd shift, so we're on our own in the evenings soon. I think that will be good for all of us, for various reasons. It will be sort of weird, I guess, at first, but it'll get me into a different routine a lot faster. And if anyone needs an entire evening routine makeover, it's this house!
I'm out, for now. My plans for the day? Not much! LOL Relaxing and playing with Taylor just about covers it. That's more than enough for me today!
8/12/08
Award Time!
My buddy Whiney Momma passed on the Kick Ass Blogger Award to me, and I'm pretty stoked with it. i like being a blogger, like kicking ass... soooo, this is like Christmas for me! :) However!! There are some rules! So, I shall go against my new rule breaking mentality, and attempt to follow them as such.
Here's the rules:
- Choose 5 bloggers that you feel are "Kick Ass Bloggers"
- Let 'em know in your post or via email, twitter or blog comments that they've received an award
- Share the love and link back to both the person who awarded you and back to www.mammadawg.com
- Hop on back to the Kick Ass Blogger Club HQ to sign Mr. Linky then pass it on!
Grab code's below - don't forget to link up the person who nominated you for the Kick Ass Blogger Club. :)
BONUS: Are you a Mom or Dad Blogger, too? If so, join us at The Bloggerhood!
(150px Width)
(200px Width)
I am going to bend the rules some and pass this on to everyone on my blogroll. I can never think of just five, or less, because everyone that I read gets to me in some way... otherwise, I wouldn't read them! So, now that I've jacked the rules, just a lil bit, it's your turn! Grab the codes and run!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)