Girls

We've been snowed in here in our neck of the woods for what feels like.. forever, lol... and it's gotten my creative juices flowing in a lot of interesting ways. I'm writing a lot... and a lot I'm keeping to myself. But it's therapeutic, getting it all out. It makes a difference, having this outlet where I can be me, plain and simple. I can write for myself, get my emotions clear.. or I can write something else, with characters and scenarios I make up as I go. Either way, it's been a definite lifesaver the last few weeks.

But I've noticed myself drifting toward the “friendship” theme more and more again in my writing, and this leads me to thinking about all the women in my life. Since I'm obviously someone who thinks (thinks, thinks, thinks some more....) a lot about everything, I guess it's only natural to have come away from the last few weeks with even more to ponder. Good, bad, in between? Probably all the above, but it did give me an idea.

I am blessed to have a terrific circle of women in my life- all unique, all bringing something to my life I wouldn't have without them.... hopefully I do the same for them. We raise our kids together, if we have them, and love each others' kids like our own. We talk late into the night, early in the morning... without these women, I simply wouldn't be who I am.

So, this week, instead of the usual, I thought I'd take some time to really talk about, and honor, women. Valentine's Day is coming, and rather than think about hearts and flowers, let's think about chick flicks and best friends, chocolate and glasses of wine. The laughs, the tears, the inside jokes... and the way we simply have to have our girlfriends.

You may be related, by blood or marriage. You may have been friends since you were kids (and you are oh so lucky if you are... believe me!). You may be old friends, new friends, close friends.... think about it. Who do you call for a quick laugh or a long cry? The women in your life... they are a different kind of family altogether, a mismatched patchwork quilt that is one of the most precious things you will ever have. In a lot of cases, some of the pieces should never fit, and yet they do... in some, the patches are seamless. But as you get older, you realize that while only some of them are seamless, they are all timeless. They all give you a different perspective, a different piece of yourself, and that's pretty amazing. I honestly don't know where I would be without my girls.... from the smallest to the tallest :)

Don't get me wrong... we all love our guys, too. But it's different with our girlfriends... we get each other in a way most men can't. We're on the same level- we know each other... and we know what drives us crazy about these guys we love so much. Lol We vent to each other, get angry together, and counsel one another... we laugh and talk about what the kids are doing.. we cry over the losses and hard times, and we just get it. And we know that when it really gets down to it, when it seems it can't get any harder, we have one another's backs.. and that counts for just about everything, doesn't it?

So, this one is for the girls- from the smallest to the tallest :) I honestly am thankful, every day, for each and every one of you.

Perspective

Have you ever just had one of those days where it feels as if time has slowed to almost a stand still and no matter what you do, you just can't get it to move any faster. You can't concentrate on reading, TV, music... You've cleaned, baked, put the kids to sleep. The evening just stretches before you, and all the things you complain about never getting to do? You don't want to do.

Because, suddenly, there's this openness that you keep stretching toward, this goal you are determined to reach, no matter who or what seems just as determined to keep you away from it. You are reaching out of your shell, out of your comfort zone... and out of everyone else's. Scary thing, that.

Somehow, there has been a shift. It's been coming and coming, the build up has been impossible to ignore. It wasn't a light at the end of a tunnel, it wasn't a welcoming hand. It was a shove into the deep end and a cheery “Swim or die.” It was almost a direct dare to persevere, overcome, walk out of the ashes with your head held high.

So you did. Sort of. You went unheard, felt unseen. You watched your opinion matter very little, and you quietly took stock. You observed, you paid attention. You hurt, you soared. You cried, you felt overwhelming pride in the person you had chosen to spend your life with. And hated them in the next second. You rode the roller coaster, stomach churning the whole time. But you rode. Every single step of the way, through every up and down, losing a little of this and gaining a little of that with every turn. But you rode, unconditionally, even when you doubted and questioned every step.

And then, somewhere on one of those loops, something moved. Slowly, you came to realize that it wasn't up to anyone but you how you felt at the end of every day. And your shoulders relaxed, just a little. You stopped holding your breath quite so long. Because for the first time in God only knows how long, you took it back. You realized that worrying and hurting really weren't changing anything but you, and that was on only one person... yup, you.

So, ever so quietly, you found yourself looking for those pieces you had all but abandoned. And slowly, you are finding them, finding your way. It's a lot of two steps forward, three back, but you've come far enough to know that anything worth having is something you have to work for. And you're working, with and around everyone you know.

Your stomach is still churning, your hands still shaky. But the ride is different now. You are different. And you no longer clutch the rails, eyes clamped shut. You've realized it's a lot more fun with your eyes wide open, and your arms in the air, headfirst into the next adventure.

New Look, New(ish) Outlook

I've been wanting to change things up over here for awhile. Not just the look- I do that all the time, because I doubt I'll ever find a "look" to have permanently. Nothing ever screams "keep me", ya know?

What I'm talking about is changing up the content some. I've said (repeatedly) that I won't be guarded on here. And to a degree, I'm not. On some things (uber personal issues, friends-relatives names, etc.) I always will be, and I've explained all that before. (Again, repeatedly.) But this is my space, and sometimes I honestly think it isn't truly mine, if that makes sense. I say a lot, and there's still so much I don't say. Because of who may or may not read here, or what so-and so may think if I really let loose and say what I'm thinking.

So, I'm done with it. Read it or don't (I know, how many people have said it how many times on their own spaces... and how many times have I said it here?)... I don't want to worry about who is looking for innuendo in my words, who is making fun, who is picking apart my pictures, my ideas, or my life. I don't have time for the added worry, or for the wary feeling I've had lately. Read it, take what you want to (people do that anyway) or don't come here. My space, my thoughts, my junk.

That said, let's get on with it. I've shown you pieces of myself for the last year or so, and what you've gotten so far is barely enough to begin putting those pieces together for a clear picture. I'm not perfect, and I don't want to be... sometimes. LOL I'm messy, unorganized, short tempered, and have a very (VERY) low tolerance for bullshit. I give as good as I get, and I'm loyal (to a fault), to the people I love. Whether they deserve it or not.

So, here is my invitation to you. Let's put the pieces together. Let's have some laughs, a glass (or six) of wine and get to know one another. Welcome to the "new" blog. Pull up a kitchen chair and get comfy.

Getting It

Can you believe it's almost 2009? This year has flown by... I know, I've said that before. But it's so true! It's been an interesting one, too- to say the very least. It's been unusual. It's been beautiful. It's been downright ugly. But it's been an adventure- which is what keeps me going.

Let's see. In 2008, hell froze over. I know, that expression has been sorta used for another album and group, but seriously? So fitting. I got to relive a lot of my warm fuzzy moments, and experience something I didn't even know I'd enjoy nearly as much as I have. And I've had my kids along for most of the ride with me- which has been amazing to do. They've seen pieces of me they wouldn't have otherwise, they've watched me find myself and turn myself around in a lot of ways I didn't know I could, would, or even wanted to. I've been twelve, fifteen, and thirty at the same time. I've found that inner fun again, that girl who knew what was and wasn't, the one who knew what she wanted... and somehow forgot along the way. I've learned what I can and can't accept, handle or want in my life- I've found those non negotiable things. and some of that comes from turning thirty, I think, and looking back, forward and all around. Some of that comes from remembering who I was at some of the best parts of my younger life, embracing it, and saying to hell with what anyone else thinks. This is me, good bad and in between. I'm unashamed, unapologetic, and if it doesn't make me one of the "cool kids", I don't really care. I never was one of the cool kids anyway.

I don't know how to play the game. I don't know how to wear the false face, the better than you attitude, or the your shit stinks and mine's roses smile. That never made me popular. If I don't like you, I don't like you... I'm not shy about that. I don't have it in me for that. And I've hit my stride. I'm comfortable with that. I'm good with what I'm doing (though being a blog superstar? Would rock, and I'd so be lying if I said I didn't want to be one of THOSE cool kids!)But I don't want to be in the "clique"- whether it's the popular moms at my kids' schools, the popular one in the fangirl crowd, or whatever the hell you call us. I'm not sacrificing the parts of myself that seem to need sacrificing for that. The blogosphere, however? That's a different ballgame. Being cool in the blogosphere isn't about losing yourself, it's about BEING yourself. Maybe that's why I'm so comfortable here. I can let it all hang out and not really worry about it.

I can come here and talk about my kids' issues, my issues. I can be a dork, I can cry, rant, rave. I can laugh and gush, I can tell you about teething or snot, birthdays or baking. Music or clothes. Relationships, assholes, people that suck... it doesn't matter what I say. No one is (openly) judging me. And if anyone is? I don't know about it. I can just be... me. Alyssa, Jake and Taylor's mom. I can be autumn. Daughter, friend, lover, woman, PERSON. The New Kids junkie. Not Joe McIntyre's wife (which has been Googled at least six times to find me now... it never fails to crack me up). I don't have to look gorgeous (which never happens anyway, BTW), be dressed nicely (or really, even at all.. cause who would know?) or even comb my hair. I'm just here to ramble about my life, and all it's ins and outs. That? Kicks ass. That people read it? Kicks major ass.

What I'm trying to say is 2008 rocked my socks, turned me inside out, upside down and righted me again. With a grin on my face and a better sense of who this chick really is. Let's make 2009 even bigger, even better. Let's get this, shall we? Let's GET this.

Dear Internet

I am not dead. I've skipped a couple days here and there in my NaBloPoMo. It isn't you, Internet, it's me. It's a zany little thing called life and its love of throwing curve balls at my congested head. It's sleep deprivation due to sick child. It's never ending piles of laundry and dishes. It's opening Word and tentatively tapping a few sentences, then a paragraph, then another... and feeling a little of that old friend, Creativity, finding his way back home. It's a number of things, Internet... but it's not you. :)

That said- there's a lot I could write about lately that I just haven't found time, or words, for. Not a lot surprises me these days, but sometimes I guess I surprise myself- in good ways. Sometimes there are things that seem so hard, like they are impossible to get over- like a mountain of emotion, I guess. and then suddenly, when you aren't paying attention, you realize- you've made it. Quietly, unnoticed, you've found the other side. And I'll tell you what- that feels pretty damn good. Bring it on Life- I've done what I thought impossible. I've conquered something huge. What's next?

My New Favorite Song

Back To Reality

I hate Mondays. Not saying anything that you've never heard before, I'm sure. But this Monday especially? Was slam back into reality. I feel that we are preparing for the biggest hurdle yet (and we've had our share of biggies, believe me), and I hate that this is happening. I hate that Jake is going through this, that he has to keep going through this.

We go later in the week so he can be formally interviewed, with recordings, because the report I filed has been accepted and is being investigated. If he were to return to school, this teacher is not allowed to be with him unsupervised at any time. He is not returning- there's been too much damage done now, and he is too afraid. A caseworker from CS came to the house today, to talk with him, and he was too scared to share anything with her. Because his teacher would hurt him. His words. I got him to talk about it again with me, before she came, to ease him into talking freely about it. When he realized he would have to talk about it with someone else, he panicked. He was crying, running, trying to hide. He didn't want to tell, because (insert name here) will be bad to him, she's bad to him. He was in full melt down mode for almost half an hour.

I am heartsick. This could explain his anxiety of late, the whining and crying that he couldn't explain. And I've been sending him into that situation, daily. He's confused, afraid, worried... he wants to go to school. He doesn't want to leave the house. He wants his friends. He does not want to see her. He thinks it is his fault, that he did something wrong and is being punished. And making him understand is almost impossible.

I want this woman in the worst way, and I hate feeling like that. I hate this boiling anger that I'm carrying inside of me now. I am almost sick with the rage that I have- but that's normal, considering what Jake's going through and been through. I want to know why, though, and I doubt that's an answer we'll get. I think it's because of a lot of things- most importantly being the fact that I didn't drop it when push came to shove. How could I though? He's my child. And when it comes to my kids? I will never drop it, whatever "it" happens to be at the moment.

The thought of all of it makes me physically ill. I feel like I enabled someone to mistreat him, to lie on him, to bully him, to scare him. To possibly have hurt him. Scar him. And most of all, confuse him. Because he doesn't get it. He sees a person of authority shouting at him, and then he isn't back in school. He figures it's his fault. And that alone- some of the things he has said- makes me wonder exactly what goes on in there. Special needs kids are easy victims- they trust and believe people very easily. Or aren't believed when they speak up. Think about it- if it comes down to he said/she said, you have a teacher who is trained to work with special needs.... and an autistic, bi-polar six year old. How easy would it be to brush off his stories as fantasy? As imagination? And those are words this teacher has used on every occasion I've been around her- about every kid she's dealing with. Play acting, imaginative, story tellers, little actors, liars... as if they are totally unbelievable. Maybe she counts on those seeds she plants. I'm willing to bet that she does.

And I'm not saying he hasn't had some fantastic tales- but those are very obvious. And like I've said before- when he is lying, you can tell. He skips from moment to moment, story to story, and simply cannot remember what he's said or not said. When he tells you something over and over again? He's telling you the truth. He wouldn't remember otherwise.

I want this to go away. For him. For all of us, to get back into some normalcy, some routine. But I am willing to risk every piece of "normal" to prove that I will never stop, when it comes to my children. I will continue to fight for him, any of them, every second of every day, until their world is right again.

Because that fear in his eyes? Kills me. It sickens me, angers me, tears at my heart in a way that nothing ever has before. His confusion, his worry, his behavior changes? Are keeping me moving, searching, learning every angle on this sort of situation. I'm looking into every possible step that can be taken to make sure this never, ever happens again. To him, or to anyone else.

Because I can guarantee two things. Jake is not the first kid she's done this to- there's just no way. He will, however, be the last. I'm going to make sure of that.

3:27

Don't ask what that title means- it's sort of a joke. And sort of not. Heh.

Not going to be time for an in depth TV post tonight, because I'm starting to seriously freak out about tomorrow. BUT, I will tell you this- the TV thing is gonna be awhile coming after the concert, and when it comes, it'll be in parts. Why? Because i have a DVR I'm madly in love with, and it records more than enough for me to be a couch potato when I grab an hour or so to plop. So, be ready to hear about (in no specific order)- Bones, Law and Order: SVU, Eli Stone, 90210, Fringe, Life, Ghost Hunters, The Mentalist, Supernatural, Reaper, Smallville (maybe, if I can stand it this season. So couldn't the last couple.) and a few more! Told ya- TV whore here.

We have another school issue on our hands, which will be resting in J's corner tomorrow. I did my part today and will pick it up again on Monday morning. This time, it's more of the same, and we have finally figured out the issue0- abuse of power, big time. And when this "power" is challenged, she gets vicious. She has no idea what vicious is. Yet. She will. I've made my calls, set things in motion, and informed everyone involved I'm out of commission till Monday morning. We will not be taking calls from the school in my house, period. They can go through my son's advocates. And that special needs teacher? Can take calls from the Board of Education. More on that next week.

Tonight, I just wanna freak out. Screw the school and the drama, and the rest of life's knocks, for just a little while. Give me 24 hours to recharge, and remember what it was like BEFORE there was all this crap. I think I need it, just for a minute. Just to breathe and relax and stop wondering what's coming next. I have to get my mind off this never ending roller coaster of what will happen each time Jake walks out the door. And I have to wrap my head around the fact that some people truly are evil. I'm dealing with that, we all are, and I've been dealing with it 24-7 since he started school there. It sounds crazy, but I had her from first sight, I knew he was going to have trouble. Not this kind of trouble, but trouble nonetheless. I knew even more when he was hurt and she denied knowledge and called him a liar. Knew more when this "mistaken identity" happened... which now seems like a purposeful lie. Knew more when I saw her scream in another child's face, calling him stupid. And knew today that she was the one who should have recognized trouble in me, when my son sobbed all the way home in the car because he'd been jerked, shaken and screamed at. Because he wouldn't lie. He was standing in a corner, shaking. disoriented and confused, unable to find his things. Because he wouldn't lie.

I'm dwelling on it, I'm chewing it around and around until it boils up in my throat. Let me be very specific- the mistaken identity? They accused Jake of molesting a boy. It was another child with the same name who did it. That's on record, written and spoken (I recorded the last meeting.) When they did so, they accused us of molesting Jake. Obviously, there was no concern. special Ed got her hands slapped for taunting me with it, for not following the IEP (he has not recieved ANY therapy there, and it's written in his IEP he gets three different kinds). Her hand was bitch slapped, or about to be, for allowing him to become injured at school and not doing her job. So, whe he hit a kid today in the regular class (come to find out taught by her DAUGHTER) she told me, again, he was fondling. Written report, of today, says "hitting." Jake's story is she told him we do bad things. He said no (already crying from being yelled at, called bad, and called a brat) and she grabbed his shirt collar, shook him (he acted this out on me), jerked him forward, got into his face (again acted out with me) and said "Yes. They. Do." I went to pick him up after they called about the hitting, and after she taunted me in the hall, saying she was uncomfortable talking with me, smirking all the while, she left. Only she is "concerned" and "uncomfortable". Her aides, who are the ones actually working with Jake, have never seen or heard anything out of him. Only in kindergarten does he hit. Only to this teacher does he "say and act disturbing." So, yeah. I need a minute.

And I'm going to put it away. I filed reports on her this afternoon. For abuse and negligence. I'm filing more Monday. I'm writing a letter to the editor of our paper. I'm calling in the State and getting a lawyer. But for now? For this moment, this day, this weekend? I want to go and forget some. I want to enjoy what I've spent months preparing for (and only after J is forcing me.. I was seriously not going to go after this went down.) He says he will handle, I believe him. And I want to come home, share my memories and my weekend with my family. And fogr on at the start of the week.

Follow me on twitter- updates all day. Email me if you need to, I won't be getting back to anyone till Saturday afternoon. Keep us in your thoughts, will ya? This is supposed to teach me something, all of it, and I'm still waiting to see exactly what that is.

For now, I just wanna be a Blockhead today.

Here We Go...

Things are speeding up over here, Internet. My mind, as always, is racing in a zillion different directions. This week is going to be insane- for the ton of stuff that needs to get done, as well as my not so slow descent into a wriggling mass of nerves and excitement as this Friday edges closer. (5 days!!)

I'm thinking more and more about the non profit organization idea. It's sticking with me, and when something sticks, it must mean something. I love the idea of opening doors in our community (a very very small community) to bring in more information for the places that need to know more. There's not a lot of education regarding autism here when it comes to schools and other facilities that may be dealing with autistic children. And there should be, because if you do not know how to deal with the possibilities, the spectrum, the individuality of each case, then you as well as the families you deal with have less hope than they should. How can you properly advocate for a child, or children, that you don't understand?

In no way is that knocking the lack of education or on hand information here- we're in a place where funding doesn't allow for a lot of things, where knowledge is coming in from larger cities, and is pretty scarce. To learn more, you basically have to look for it on your own. that makes it more difficult- how many teachers, social workers, etc., have that extra time? They have their own families and lives to enjoy after their day is done. And for social workers, case managers, and CS, I know those days sometimes stretch into long evenings keeping them at work. When they finally do have a minute, they need the break.

What we need to do is bring it to them. And after going through the last couple weeks, I wonder if I may be able to help do that, even if it's just a nudge in that direction. That would be a huge movement here; the more you know, the more you can communicate with people and places that don't know, but want to. Or need to. It's definitely on my mind.

The other thing on my mind is that Cleveland is creeping up on me. There's less than a week to go, and I keep thinking about this "Face Time" we keep hearing about ;). as well as whether "I'm ready" or "Got my mind right." I don't know about ready- can you ever be? LOL I'm ready as I can ever be, is my final answer. And ready for what exactly? The concert itself? Meeting all the fans and hanging out with them? Possibly seeing, up close, the group of men who have caused all this insanity? :) Yes, yes and aw hell no. LOL That's the best I can do. there are no promises on that whole "I'll say this or do this if we happen to meet them.....". Get me through sounding semi intelligent, with little to no crying, and not feeling the need to puke? I'll consider that a success. (That puke thing is a valid concern. I have puked before. On the outer front of a tour bus, and I WAS an over anxious kid.. But, you see my concern. Being remembered would be one thing. Being remembered as the chick who pukes? Quite another. Let's have the possible memories be pleasant, shall we?)

Like I said, I will be twittering here, so feel free to add me if you want updates on the chaos as it happens. I will not be updating during the show, but before and after, you can expect to know just about anything and everything happening. LOL

I'll keep you posted, Internet, on any and all things happening this week. Meetings are still running rampant, but for different, better reasons. I feel more at ease, even as my stomach clutches at the thought of the opening chords and being asked "Are you ready for Showtime?...."
This is gonna be one hell of a week, so my question to all of my readers.. ALL of them... is this - Are YOU ready!?!?!??!

An American Girl

Quick update on the last post- things are still not worked out to my satisfaction, and I'm still working on getting there. Another meeting in the morning, possibly one next week. Any idea how much dealing with this shit long term, especially next week, pisses me off? Yeah. Should have been taken care of by now. I have no patience for things, especially things involving my family. I want it taken care of, handled in the proper way, and finished. Next week was supposed to be Fun Week here, and I'm going to do my damndest to make sure it stays that way. Of course, next week could also be Mommy Why Are You Acting Like a Maniac Week, ya never know.

I'm losing sleep, thanks to the situation, Taylor cutting teeth (top two are finally in, joining the bottom two, she is now cutting side teeth. saying she is cranky is a major understatement. Major.), and this countdown thing I got going on, sleep is now a long lost friend that I pray to eventually meet up with again. When the children are grown, perhaps. LOL

I'm not packed yet. I do have my shirts lined up, need to buy a new pair of jeans, take my favorite worn in, slightly ripped pair for comfort, and grab a few other essentials for my overnight bag. I can't even really think about it without getting butterflies, which at least gets my mind of the school mess for a minute. I've been watching some clips on youtube (but I'm not pausing them.. **cough**) even though I shouldn't, and I've come to realize that all this money? Is being paid for one song, really. LOL I'm not telling which one. But that's what it seems to come down to; I'm excited for the whole thing, beyond belief. But this one song sends me over the moon and back again. I'll just say I've waited 20 years to see this live, and it seems I'm finally gonna get the chance. Humor me, people. I'm crazed with all of this, I recognize it, and embrace it. LOL

I just wish things could be less complicated. I'm not a drama queen. i want to chill out with my family and my friends, you know? i want to cook and write, get ready for the holidays (huge holiday person, I bake non stop from October to February!), and just be. I don't like all the baggage, all the excess bullshit. But I'll walk head on into it if i have to, so it gets dealt with, and out of my way. All I want in terms of excitement? A cup of cappucino, a bubble bath and a good book I can curl up on the couch with and get lost in. Is that really too much to ask??? I really am just a simple girl at heart. Boring, though? Never. ;)

I'll keep you updated on the happenings around here. Tomorrow -Monday will be about school dealings. Unless i need to really vent, the updates there will be brief. I'm too wound about that as it is, and need to refocus.

The next week will probably be all about Cleveland, so read at your own risk! And on the day of, I'll be twittering up till show time. And again after, if I'm able to make sense. I'm headed for The Block and I'm taking you with me. ;)

It's All About The Tunes

Just wanted to take a minute and update you, Internet, on the music I've got blaring these days. It changes up a little with my mood, with what's going on day to day, but there is a running theme. Other than the NKOTB part, there's a running theme. **smile**

1. I'm Single Again - Trina. The remix of this, too, which gives the male perspective on it.

2. 2 in the Morning, Officially Over, Single, Dirty Dancing, Put it on My Tab, Summertime, Big Girl Now, Grown Man, Stare at You, Click Click Click & various others- New Kids on the Block. This album rocks, but these are the ones on repeat. Especially the first two mentioned.

3. Anything danceable. I'm just in that mood. No weepy sad songs, none of that here. Most of the play list is the same, these are just the newest additions, and the ones getting the most play. I'm in the mood to just enjoy, like I said earlier, and screw everyone else's drama. I don't care.

Like some of my favorite people have said recently, for various reasons- It's Official.

Like You Were Dyin'

I've spent so much time the last few months wondering where I was going. Where I wanted to go, where I didn't.... and after the initial jumble of emotions, when the decisions came, they were just there. Conversations I've had have encouraged me, reaffirmed me, and some, though they still hurt like hell, have narrowed that path I somehow still wanted to have a wider, more optioned fork. Some things are not an option. I'm learning that, and I'm going from there.

So here I am. I am stronger, in a lot of ways, than I have ever been. My acceptable and unacceptable lists are a lot different than they used to be- and for some of that, I feel some regret. But it is what it is, and the people in my life have shaped those lists, made up a mind that is now completely my own. There is no longer that voice in my mind, the one I heard all of my life, telling me to doubt everything. The ghosts are gone, all of them. I have no time for it anymore- I have a life to live, and I have three sets of eyes watching me to see just how I do that. I ow it to them, to me, to do it right. For the first time, ever, I feel I am simply my own. I am no longer intimidated, by anything. I am finally free to feel, think, say and do what I want- and for the last few years, I've been the one holding me back, the only one.

this song says a lot about the way I'm thinking and feeling right now- and no, before anyone worries, I am NOT sick. I'm perfectly healthy, physically, mentally, spiritually... and I feel good. I think the song has a good message and one we could all benefit from.

I'm in a good place. One I'm enjoying. A healthy one, a happy one, a determined, focused, over it place where I can just grab life by the horns and GO.

Care to join me?



He said I was in my early forties,
With a lot of life before me,
And a moment came that stopped me on a dime.
I spent most of the next days, lookin' at the x-rays,
Talkin' 'bout the options and talkin' 'bout sweet time.
Asked him when it sank in, and this might really be the real end.
How's it hit ya, when you get that kind of news.
Man what ya do.
And he says,

[Chorus]

I went sky divin',
I went rocky mountain climbin',
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull name Fu Manchu.
And I loved deeper,
And I spoke sweeter,
And I gave forgiveness I've been denying,
And he said someday I hope you get the chance,
To live like you were dyin'.

He said I was finally the husband,
That most the time I wasn't.
And I became a friend a friend would like to have.
And all the sudden goin' fishing,
Wasn't such an imposition.
And I went three times that year I lost my dad.
Well I finally read the good book,
And I took a good long hard look at what I'd do
If I could do it all again.
And then.

[Chorus]

Like tomorrow was a gift and you've got eternity
To think about what you do with it,
What could you do with it, what can
I do with with it, what would I do with it.

[Chorus]
I went sky divin',
I went rocky mountain climbin',
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull name Fu Manchu.
And I loved deeper,
And I spoke sweeter,
And I watched an eagle as it was flyin'.
And he said someday I hope you get the chance,
To live like you were dyin'.

To live like you were dyin'.
To live like you were dyin'.
To live like you were dyin'.
To live like you were dyin'.

Immovable

It is my job to be inflexible when it comes to my children's needs. To be immovable, unshakable, unimpressed by obstacles- in front of them, anyway. It's my job to help them succeed, to keep them safe, to have them happy and healthy, in every way. It's what I am supposed to do, it comes with this Mom package.

What always surprises me is how easily those feelings come. Nothing prepared me for that; that fierceness in me that comes out when I feel they're being compromised, ignored, or just treated a little off. There's no "supposed to" about it; it just is. And it doesn't seem as if I'm pushing to hard, being strong or taking on extra issue. It just happens, i just do it... what else would I do? Let them fall? Let someone else make them fall? It baffles me when someone says something about it- they're mine, aren't they? Who else is going to do these things, make these things happen? It just comes naturally, the same way that grabbing the peroxide and a bandage comes when they get a scrape.

I would move a hundred mountains if I had to. I'd knock anyone, anything, out of the way. Anyone. Anything. And so, I did.

Jake started school this morning, with every other kid in this district. I said he would. And he will continue to do so, and he will succeed. They all three will, in their own ways. And I'll be right there with them, every step of the way, making sure they get every chance they can, every opportunity.

One mountain moved. Next?

Even MORE Quotes To Live (And Laugh) By!

Blog Award Time! Again : )

I got this today from my new buddy, Jaime @ Just Add Laughter. You really should check her out if you haven't- she's funny, smart and loves her kiddos. All in all, it makes for a great read. So, head over there!


I love getting bloggie bling- it means somewhere out there, somebody's reading, and appreciating, the stuff i have to say. I can never ever pick just a few I want to pass things onto, so I usually say that everyone on my blogroll can nab the bling, because i love every blog on there, and those are my daily - weekly reads.

BUT, today, I especially want this to be passed onto all of you over there in my 'roll. Reading is taking me away from some things, just like posting is doing (or can be doing). So take it, add it, link back, and we'll give each other a bunch of comment and linky love to pass around. :)

Thanks, Jaime!!!!

The One About the Tooth Fairy

OK, so, i have bad teeth. No, we have never discussed this before, Internet, this is a brand new topic. One you will be hearing much about in the coming weeks. Yesterday, I saw the dentist, for the first time in, oh, maybe three years? Yeah, I know, not exactly a good amount of time to steer clear from sharp, shiny dental instruments, icy cold water and air blasting on teeth and the large, somewhat terrifying idea of root canal and Novocaine in large needles. No clue why i waited so long.....

Anyway, I now, at almost not quite but soon to be thirty years old, am having my wisdom teeth removed at the end of the month. and then returning for that root canal I mentioned. And some other junk.... all of which i will be doing in under two months. Why? Because I'm a masochist, ok? If there was ever any doubt before, it should be gone. i will basically be having at least (LEAST) three, if not more, dental surgeries and procedures. Between now and the first of October. (Yes, there is a reason for this. Yes, I realize I am off my rocker. Thank you.)

But it needs done. I have had more dental procedures than any ten people I think. All of my baby teeth, save my four back molars, had to be extracted simply because they refused to come out. Refused to the point where my adult teeth were coming in anyway- behind and in front of the baby teeth. Then came the braces, the bumper guard for the bottom teeth, the tongue guard, the gum surgeries, the retainer, and the various other little things. All from age seven to seventeen. So, needless to say, I hate going to the dentist. I am just unlucky enough to have very sensitive, brittle and apparently angry adult teeth. Almost every single one of them needs something, be it large or small. Yay. Can you feel my excitement?

But, don't fret. At the other end of it is a smile I will be flashing like it's going out of style. One that will possibly be somewhat a grimace until all the pain, and pain meds wear off, LOL. But it will be straight, white and visible to all.

Like I said- get ready,world. I'm coming for you.

Award Time!

My buddy Whiney Momma passed on the Kick Ass Blogger Award to me, and I'm pretty stoked with it. i like being a blogger, like kicking ass... soooo, this is like Christmas for me! :) However!! There are some rules! So, I shall go against my new rule breaking mentality, and attempt to follow them as such.



Here's the rules:

• Choose 5 bloggers that you feel are "Kick Ass Bloggers"
• Let 'em know in your post or via email, twitter or blog comments that they've received an award
• Share the love and link back to both the person who awarded you and back to www.mammadawg.com
• Hop on back to the Kick Ass Blogger Club HQ to sign Mr. Linky then pass it on!

Grab code's below - don't forget to link up the person who nominated you for the Kick Ass Blogger Club. :)

BONUS: Are you a Mom or Dad Blogger, too? If so, join us at The Bloggerhood!

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<a href="http://www.mammadawg.com/2008/08/kick-ass-blogger-award.html" target="_blank" title="MammaDawg"><img alt="Kick Ass Blogger Award" src="http://i334.photobucket.com/albums/m407/mammadawg/Award_150px.jpg" /></a>

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<a href="http://www.mammadawg.com/2008/08/kick-ass-blogger-award.html" target="_blank" title="MammaDawg"><img alt="Kick Ass Blogger Award" src="http://i334.photobucket.com/albums/m407/mammadawg/Award_200px.jpg" /></a>


I am going to bend the rules some and pass this on to everyone on my blogroll. I can never think of just five, or less, because everyone that I read gets to me in some way... otherwise, I wouldn't read them! So, now that I've jacked the rules, just a lil bit, it's your turn! Grab the codes and run!

Weekend Wrap Up

The kids and I had some fun this weekend. We were rolling solo on Saturday, so my oldest friend and her little one came over. The kids played, we took some pictures, and had a lot of laughs. A good time was had by all, and it was nice to sit outside and watch the monsters all getting along, running and screeching off that energy.

It was a good day before and after company, too. We had fried green tomatoes (batter fried tomatoes with Parmesan and provolone cheeses) and noodles for a quick dinner and Popsicles for dessert. I let them fill up the baby's bathtub and play Superstar Swimming Pool with Alyssa's every growing circus of Barbie, and Barbie-type dolls. Most of them are rich, live in California, are originally from Paris or Italy, and are superstars, in some way shape of form. There is also a Ken doll who wears women's clothing, for no real reason. Should that worry me???

Sunday I had some much needed time to myself, sans children. I love my kids, but there are some times i need to be away and have a chance to recharge. Just some me time, some grown up conversation (which, between moms, usually involves the kids anyway, LOL) and a few deep breaths before returning home to the sounds of who touched who's toys, which one shoved first.... Have I mentioned I'm ready for school to start again??? If I haven't, I AM.

So, all in all a decent weekend. It's been nice to just putter around, even though it seems a lot of thinking much, doing little. Stages, I suppose.

I do have some pics of the weekend to post later, which I will probably promptly forget about as soon as I hit "publish." If I do, remind me- I'm even more scatterbrained lately, with all the fall has to offer this year. Between back to school, birthdays, holidays and October 3rd (!!!!!!), fal and winter are already pushing their way into my head. That and the odd, fall like weather we're having here. Craziness all 'round, people.

What about you guys? How was your weekend?

Something Different

Here is a new piece of fiction I am working on. It's new and raw; I have not edited it at ALL, so any errors, spelling or grammatical, will be fixed later on, should I choose to continue on. This is not the one I am working on every day; that one is driving me mad. This one is actually a version of something I wrote in the 7th grade, and started again, with revisions, thanks to an article I found through the woman I want to be my bestest friend on the internet, forever and ever, amen. The article itself was shocking, heartbreaking, inspiring, sickening, strong, weak, awful, and wonderful all at the same time. There are some people who should be saints, seriously, and I cannot imagine going through these challenges daily. Especially with a child so severely impaired, who is not my own. I am not that selfless. I won't apologize for that; I think those who accept these challenges. welcome them even, are beyond special. They are divinity on Earth, and should be treated as such.

The actual article is here. The audio and video to it, which I have not been able to bring myself to watch/listen to, is here. Read (or listen/watch) with your tissues handy and with your heart ready to shatter into a thousand pieces. Seriously, this is the most horrendous case of child neglect you will EVER come across, please be prepared. What I wrote, or will write, is very much NOT this story. This story simply reminded me, in a way, of one I wrote long ago, for a best friend (hello Teresa Kawa) who bet me I could not finish a book. I did, and now I'm looking at it again, mixing things up and changing things, making some things less innocent, and some things more so. I was 12 the first time I wrote the story of a child thrust into a world without a true family unit, going on sheer 12 year old instinct. Now, I am an adult with kids of my own, I know a little better. And this story inspired me, as much with its evil as with it's absolute goodness. So, here you go:


It was putting your coat on that did me in, did you know that? It wasn't the hours I'd spent with you previously, filled with other people. It wasn't the pieces of cookie I'd fed you, the home baked cookies with shapes in the middle meant very little when there were others who'd fed you similar pieces. It wasn't the cup of juice I'd filled; anyone could, and had, done that. Anyone could have played with you, fed you, changed you... and we all did. You were so easy to please, for the most part. It was that coat, and the way no one else could put it on you but me. I will remember that until the day I die, and you will never have any idea how many things I compared to that over the years.

I'd like to think it was personal; that you knew I cared. That in some way you knew I'd taken a job to pay for things to buy, just for you. That maybe you knew you were wanted, even when you were something I was not allowed to want or have. Even though I did both. But, in the end, it doesn't matter that I bought you endless toys, it doesn't matter how it felt when I carried you around and we laughed, just laughed, for no reason. It all comes back to the coat.

I was the one who had to put you in your coat, that large foreign (to me) object of sleeves just perfect for little fingers to grab onto and refuse to budge. I can't, for the life of me, remember the color... how silly, when it seems to matter so much? But, it was for me, and only me, that you would sit without crying and allow yourself to be maneuvered into this piece of clothing. When anyone tried, you cried, I remember that clearly, and reached your arms out. For me. You cried, and when I came to offer help, you stopped, sat, and watched me as I dressed you. And for a second, I understood. That very moment made a lot of decisions for me, as you sat and watched me; looked directly at me. Trusting me, even though we were barely introduced. And I loved you, even as I dressed you, knowing that all those things I'd worked for would never be acknowledged, never be played with, never be yours. Not really. I wasn't allowed to say it, so I knew better, even in a "safe" place. I don't think I knew then how hard it would be, but I remember that I held onto you, even as the horn honked outside, and eyes pleaded with me not to make it harder, God not any harder, than it already was.

What I remember, other than that, was how you reached out to me, crying, as you left. That tore my heart out. I cried too, feeling an ache I had never known. One I wouldn't know again, not for some time. I'd have loved you, regardless, because of some things. What I did not know, until much later, was that I loved you despite it.



So, there you have it. Opinions? Criticisms? Give 'em to me.....

Rolling With the Tide

When I sink my teeth into an idea, really into it, I go forward without ever really looking back. consequences, repercussions... whatever you want to call them... don't really figure into it. Usually, they are what led me to where I'm at, to that point where I just throw my hands up and say "Know what? This is the way it is, so this is where it's going."

I'm tired. Tired of living around others' choices and decisions, waiting for people to make the right decisions, the right moves... wondering how what someone else does is going to make or break a day, a week, a year... my life. I'm tired of waiting, waiting, waiting, and wondering. I'm simply... tired.

I never know where I truly stand, with anyone. I'm the stand-by, the back-up, the always there when there's nothing better. You know what? I am the something better. I'm tired of being treated as runner up in a contest that, honestly, isn't that great anyway.

I am the listener, the shoulder, the reliable. None of those are bad things; those are good qualities, and not one would I change. What needs to change is the idea that I'm the comfortable place to be when the exciting is too hard, or unavailable, or just out of reach.

I feel this way because I've allowed myself to be treated this way; I've allowed myself to take what I'm given instead of demanding what I deserve. If I give my all, I deserve it in return... not to be unhappy or unsettled because my give is not my get.

The changes keep coming, and I'm going with them. I'm tired of waiting, watching, questioning, needing, wanting and complaining. I'm so goddamn sick of the past, and paying for things that i didn't do. I'm sick of being the one with the table scraps.

It's time for more. Because I am more. Guess it's time to prove it.