Words

Another essay of sorts I had in my Writing folder.

She wonders what it would be like. She thinks now how odd of her it was that she never really did before. Maybe it's because there never was a before. Not really, anyway. Not if she's honest with herself- and that she can be, even when she can't be with anyone else. When... anyone else... can't be with her. She wonders if they are to themselves. For the most part, she doubts it. Once you become that good at hiding the truths that will cut you, they don't even reach you anymore. She almost envies that, the ability to rewrite history, to change time in your own mind so that you feel no guilt, no tug, no obligation. She supposes she's done it, a little, at times. Changed things around, rearranged some words, some meanings, to suit the way she sees the past. Maybe that pulls her through when she looks back to the time that never really was before.

The wondering is what makes it hard, now. She sees pieces these days, of the people they once were, and it tugs at her in ways she wishes, almost more than anything, that it didn't. It stabilizes her and pushes her off balance at the same time. She smiles, thinking how little sense that makes, and then smiles a little wider. Fits right in then.

It comes out of nowhere these days, and hits her like a punch in the stomach. She doesn't know what to do with it, honestly. It leaves her helpless in a way that next to nothing could, and the emotion that comes from knowing that is almost unbearable to her. That's her pride making a loud protest, and she welcomes its voice- it's still there, and that's one for the home team.

She can't explain it, she doesn't know how to rationalize. That's just it, the long and short of it. It's a mixed bag unlike no other and one that has built her up and torn her apart in more ways than anything else ever will in her life. Therein lies the rub, after all- it's her life. It's her entire world, everything she knows, all she has built. It's hers, and yet.... it isn't. Not really. But nothing ever is completely yours- you build lives, with people. Houses become homes, you becomes we, and time marches on. Nothing is ever completely yours- parents, siblings, children... in the beginning, someone makes room for you. As time goes on, you make room for others.

There's a part of her that embraces that, loves the idea of it, of being so open with her heart. It's words that change it all. It all comes down to words. People say actions speak louder. Sometimes they do. But words... most powerful weapon we could ever hold in our arsenal. Spoken, written... anger, shame, love, hate.. it all comes out in words. Truth comes out in words.

She knows that isn't so, not all the time. She's spun tales with the best of them, to save face, to cover ass, to tell a story. It's what we do, isn't it? What is fiction if not a little reality and a little fantasy? We dream, we lie, we write, we create. But in almost all of it, there's something real. That's the part that stands out, that draws you in- it's all in the tone, be it spoken or written, fact or fiction. You recognize tone, you relate. You've been there, felt that, known that. That's what tugs at you.

She doesn't know what to do with it, honestly. She waits patiently for a moment, for the cloud to pass. She pushes, she pulls... she opens, she closes. She vents, she rages, she tells you. She tells you, in a thousand ways, and you see..but not really. Too much tug, obligation.

She pushes, she pulls. She opens, she closes. She vents and she rages. And then she writes it down.

Simple

In trying some new things, writing wise, I keep coming back to these essays of sorts. They aren't really stories, yet they are. It's kind of odd, and very new, but I'm going with it. This is one of the newest.. THE newest, actually... and all I could think when I wanted a title was "Simple".


She wants to stand at her back door and eat a hot dog. It's really that simple. It's quiet, but for the music and comforting hum of the dryer- but the thunder is rolling in. And all she wants is to stand barefoot in her kitchen, back door open wide,hot dog in hand and listen to the storm. Yep, she really is just that easy to please.

It's the little things, the ones that take her back to being a barefoot kid playing in the rain. The memories that come back with a sound or a scent, a lyric or a perfect storm rolling in just when it's time to get comfy for the night. Just in time to curl up in bed with a book or a movie playing low in the background. All that's missing is a glass of wine and the perfect snuggle, but she isn't too concerned- she knows she'll have one of those things, the important one, before much longer.

It's like new again, this enjoying the moments that come when you need them most, when you least expect them. She's proven something to herself lately.. and that's where that counts, too. In proving to herself that she could... she absolutely could. That was a mountain she never thought she'd see the other side of... it was almost a miracle, that knowing she could... the actual miracle was looking past that and seeing that she didn't have to.

She doesn't get that, not really. It's probably something she will never completely know, or hold onto. Time and experience are funny that way. They take a lot of your absolutes... but they give a lot of them back, too. Those are just harder to find, harder to accept, and so much more worth it. Those are the ones that stay, she thinks now, the ones you learn with some age and some experience. She doesn't think of it as jaded, she thinks of it as being just a touch more realistic than she once was.

She isn't sure how she feels about herself just yet- she's still finding pieces and dusting them off, or reaching for the ones she's ignored til now, finding a place for each one. She knows it isn't perfect, not all the pieces match, but they definitely go together well.

None of that matters tonight. Tonight she is thinking of something else, that one moment when it all clicked into place, in a way it really hadn't before. That ground under her feet is pretty solid as she stands there, barefoot, watching the storm roll in. It's really that simple. And neither one of them knew it until now.

No Apologies

I'm going to apologize one time for those that I may offend or upset with the things I say, and that's all.** I've done that enough, apologized or kept quiet. I've put my thoughts and feelings behind everyone else, I've attempted to keep from rocking the boat, upsetting the masses... and you know what? It makes me miserable. Because while I'm biting my tongue, you see it as acceptance. You see it as me being ok with however people speak to me, treat me, talk about me. You see it as ok that I'm there emotionally for whoever needs me when they need me, and when it's my turn, I'm handling it on my own.

I don't ask for help. But I learned a long time ago that the people who expect me to drop everything for them are usually not willing to do the same for me. So I bite my tongue, handle my own, and am just a little less inclined to be there the next time.

I think I must seem very unassuming. I seem accepting, almost a doormat, in the way I have lived my life. The last couple of months have shown me a lot about people, and most of it isn't surprising, but it's still hurtful just the same. I seem to be one of the few who just have to “suck it up”, “get over it”, and continue to put myself after everyone else, whatever situation arises. And there's something you seem to forget- I really don't have to. That's the beauty of it- you don't have to, and nine times out of ten, I wouldn't ask you to. I would never ask anyone to put themselves in the midst of something where they would be uncomfortable, or be treated badly and pretend that's it's ok and time to forget it. It doesn't work that way for you, so why does it work that way for me?

My life, needs, wants and feelings are no less than anyone else's. To behave as if they are is pretty selfish, I think.. and it's just not the way I'm doing things anymore. I don't want my kids growing up thinking it's ok for people to treat them like they are less than, that they are unimportant, or have to put up with being jerked around at someone's whim. Doesn't work that way. And when I see my daughter upset, or confused as to why she's been treated a certain way, it reminds me she is a lot more like me than it seems sometimes. And I want her to view it differently than I did. I don't want her to be the kid who gets called or hung out with when there's nothing else to do- that starts the ball rolling that gives people the permission to use you, put you on a shelf and take you down again when you have something to offer, or something they can use you for. She is second to no one, she has no reason to feel as if she needs to strive for acceptance... and therein lies the straw that didn't just break the camel's back, it put him in a coma.

I think I'm tired of waiting. There's always another shoe, another jerk, another hurt. That's life, even on the best days. But when you get so accustomed to the other shoe that you spend at least half your time waiting for it, then going quietly with whatever comes from it, it begins to build. Then it just keeps building, festering, until you explode. Until you are so consumed with everything and everyone else that all you feel is exhausted. You have your emotions invested in everyone's hurts, issues and angers... and your own are sitting there, waiting, just like you do.

I'm tired of being that person. I'm tired of feeling like I am here to appease everyone, to be spoken to and treated however people choose, and have no opinion. I'm tired of my children seeing the fallout, or paying for other people's mistakes and that being ok too. It's not, it never was, and it will never be ok for them to pay for anything. When that starts, everything else comes to a screeching halt.

It's time to push the envelope. I'm not waiting anymore. I'm not appeasing anymore. I'm not spending my time, emotion or energy on anyone who doesn't do the same for me. I'm not sucking it up, I'm not being treated badly and pretending I don't think you're an asshole, just to make it easy on everyone else. While I'm busy doing that, who is making it easy on me?

My children are my life, and they come first. They won't ever be set aside to appease. I won't apologize for this life, and I won't be made to feel as if I should. I won't apologize for my thoughts, or feelings. I'm going to challenge myself, every day, to stop talking and start walking. Actions speak a thousand times louder than words, and God knows when I speak, it goes unheard. It's ok for you to talk, to say whatever you want so it's ok for me too. I'm just as free as everyone else, and it's time I realize that, and time you realize that as well. I'm done telling you what you want to hear, putting on my game face and wondering the entire time why the hell I'm wasting my time. I owe it to my kids, to myself, to put my money where my mouth is, and teach them that they don't ever have to accept or settle for being anyone's settled for, in any situation. They never have been, why start now?

Today I will practice what I preach, I will let my actions speak louder, and I think it's going to be a challenge- but I have never walked away from one yet, have I? I've fought through more than one “impossible” situation, and I always come out swinging. I do a lot of it internally, but it gets done. I don't need a standing ovation for doing what I need to do- though an occasional acknowledgment would be nice.

One thing I have learned in life, for certain, is that you have to stand up. Anyone can sit by, and let it all pass along... but what for? Stand up and never back down from what you know to be true, what you know is right. Sure, you'll piss some people off, maybe lose a few “friends”... but if they were really your friends, you wouldn't have to worry about it in the first place, would you?

So, I'm going to stand. My legs may be a little wobbly, my back

bone a little out of practice. But it's time to stop waiting, and start doing. Stop holding out for when it gets easier, and start pushing the obstacles out of the way. The way I'm feeling right now is pretty cut and dry, and pretty simple- When it comes to my life, you are either in it, or in my way.

**This is what comes of bottling it up. There have been several situations lately that have popped up and several times I've bitten my tongue or sat on my hands so as not to say or type things I actually do mean, but would have said in ways I didn't mean them. So.. no more. And that's all I have to say on it at this point- No. More.

Girls

We've been snowed in here in our neck of the woods for what feels like.. forever, lol... and it's gotten my creative juices flowing in a lot of interesting ways. I'm writing a lot... and a lot I'm keeping to myself. But it's therapeutic, getting it all out. It makes a difference, having this outlet where I can be me, plain and simple. I can write for myself, get my emotions clear.. or I can write something else, with characters and scenarios I make up as I go. Either way, it's been a definite lifesaver the last few weeks.

But I've noticed myself drifting toward the “friendship” theme more and more again in my writing, and this leads me to thinking about all the women in my life. Since I'm obviously someone who thinks (thinks, thinks, thinks some more....) a lot about everything, I guess it's only natural to have come away from the last few weeks with even more to ponder. Good, bad, in between? Probably all the above, but it did give me an idea.

I am blessed to have a terrific circle of women in my life- all unique, all bringing something to my life I wouldn't have without them.... hopefully I do the same for them. We raise our kids together, if we have them, and love each others' kids like our own. We talk late into the night, early in the morning... without these women, I simply wouldn't be who I am.

So, this week, instead of the usual, I thought I'd take some time to really talk about, and honor, women. Valentine's Day is coming, and rather than think about hearts and flowers, let's think about chick flicks and best friends, chocolate and glasses of wine. The laughs, the tears, the inside jokes... and the way we simply have to have our girlfriends.

You may be related, by blood or marriage. You may have been friends since you were kids (and you are oh so lucky if you are... believe me!). You may be old friends, new friends, close friends.... think about it. Who do you call for a quick laugh or a long cry? The women in your life... they are a different kind of family altogether, a mismatched patchwork quilt that is one of the most precious things you will ever have. In a lot of cases, some of the pieces should never fit, and yet they do... in some, the patches are seamless. But as you get older, you realize that while only some of them are seamless, they are all timeless. They all give you a different perspective, a different piece of yourself, and that's pretty amazing. I honestly don't know where I would be without my girls.... from the smallest to the tallest :)

Don't get me wrong... we all love our guys, too. But it's different with our girlfriends... we get each other in a way most men can't. We're on the same level- we know each other... and we know what drives us crazy about these guys we love so much. Lol We vent to each other, get angry together, and counsel one another... we laugh and talk about what the kids are doing.. we cry over the losses and hard times, and we just get it. And we know that when it really gets down to it, when it seems it can't get any harder, we have one another's backs.. and that counts for just about everything, doesn't it?

So, this one is for the girls- from the smallest to the tallest :) I honestly am thankful, every day, for each and every one of you.

Perspective

Have you ever just had one of those days where it feels as if time has slowed to almost a stand still and no matter what you do, you just can't get it to move any faster. You can't concentrate on reading, TV, music... You've cleaned, baked, put the kids to sleep. The evening just stretches before you, and all the things you complain about never getting to do? You don't want to do.

Because, suddenly, there's this openness that you keep stretching toward, this goal you are determined to reach, no matter who or what seems just as determined to keep you away from it. You are reaching out of your shell, out of your comfort zone... and out of everyone else's. Scary thing, that.

Somehow, there has been a shift. It's been coming and coming, the build up has been impossible to ignore. It wasn't a light at the end of a tunnel, it wasn't a welcoming hand. It was a shove into the deep end and a cheery “Swim or die.” It was almost a direct dare to persevere, overcome, walk out of the ashes with your head held high.

So you did. Sort of. You went unheard, felt unseen. You watched your opinion matter very little, and you quietly took stock. You observed, you paid attention. You hurt, you soared. You cried, you felt overwhelming pride in the person you had chosen to spend your life with. And hated them in the next second. You rode the roller coaster, stomach churning the whole time. But you rode. Every single step of the way, through every up and down, losing a little of this and gaining a little of that with every turn. But you rode, unconditionally, even when you doubted and questioned every step.

And then, somewhere on one of those loops, something moved. Slowly, you came to realize that it wasn't up to anyone but you how you felt at the end of every day. And your shoulders relaxed, just a little. You stopped holding your breath quite so long. Because for the first time in God only knows how long, you took it back. You realized that worrying and hurting really weren't changing anything but you, and that was on only one person... yup, you.

So, ever so quietly, you found yourself looking for those pieces you had all but abandoned. And slowly, you are finding them, finding your way. It's a lot of two steps forward, three back, but you've come far enough to know that anything worth having is something you have to work for. And you're working, with and around everyone you know.

Your stomach is still churning, your hands still shaky. But the ride is different now. You are different. And you no longer clutch the rails, eyes clamped shut. You've realized it's a lot more fun with your eyes wide open, and your arms in the air, headfirst into the next adventure.

Ahhh 2009

I spent a little time last night and this morning reading over the past year or so on my blog. It amazes me to see the difference a year makes. Going into 2009, I felt so many things that I'm struggling with as we head into 2010.

I think I spend a lot of time worrying what to write, for a blog, a status, etc... when I should just be writing. For me. If I never post it anywhere, I'll have it to look back on someday and hopefully think “Wow, you've come a long way since then... but what a ride huh?”

I don't want to do a wrap up of 2009. I have no intention of doing that. Talk about the year, the roads taken and not, sure. But there's no way to even begin to try and wrap up anything about the past year. How do you wrap up a year that seems to have wanted nothing more than to test every single thing in your life? Every move, every thought, every feeling. 2009 can bite it, ok? I'm not wrapping him up, I'm not delivering him anywhere with a shiny bow or a smile on my face.

I have never known, until now, just how much you tell yourself that you shouldn't think or feel a certain way. That you should always feel and think kindly, openly. Yeah, it would be amazing if it worked that way. But it doesn't. You may not want to feel something... guess what? You do anyway, regardless of what “should” or “shouldn't” thinks, and all you end up doing? Is feeling a hundred times worse for having an emotion in the first place. How could I think such a thing, feel this way... Because we're human beings, flawed and imperfect. Selfish and fearful. That doesn't make bad people- it makes people people.

I had thought I was done with these feelings, done with questioning, wondering... Is everything a test? EVERYTHING? When do I get a pass? When do the tests get easier, the answers come faster? Why is there always such struggle and hurt with these tests? Because you have to face the monsters in the closet someday. You have to learn who you really are, under all the walls and fears, the anger, the joy... who are you? Where is your strength? How far are you willing to go to find the way, find yourself? What will all of this crap teach you? What won't it teach you is the question.

I get that life isn't a destination, and that we are constantly learning and changing. We have to accept and move on, adapt and change with the rest of the world.. but we don't have to do it immediately, without protest, without wondering just what the point is.

The point is to find your balance. Yours. Not his, hers, anyone else's. Just yours. Find that, and the rest will seem a little easier. Just a little. At the end of the day, you have to make peace with yourself before you can with anyone else. And you have to accept that you aren't always going to be the person you want to be, with all the perfect responses that you “should” have. It just doesn't work that way. We don't work that way, and really? How boring would it be if we all had the same response to everything, the perfect answer to all of these questions, a 100% on every test? You wouldn't learn nearly as much... and you sure wouldn't have as much fun.

Do I always look at the woman in the mirror and find that contentment? Not by a long shot. But I think she's ok, most of the time. And I know her heart, those pieces she doesn't share with anyone but herself, and that I find peace with. Because only I know what's really in there, underneath all I say and do, all I show to the world. And that heart is a good one, albeit a cautious, sometimes cynical one. That heart has carried me through a lot of things, has broken a thousand times, and has loved beyond anything I ever imagined. That's an accomplishment.

I don't know what the next year will bring. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I wish sometimes that I did. It would make life a lot easier. But, life isn't made to be easy, is it? Life is about risking and searching. Learning, falling, and getting up again, each scar a sign of something you have come through, something may have knocked the wind out of you, but in the end, you did get up. Maybe a little less confident, maybe a little more jaded- but you got up. Sometimes that alone is the lesson- that you can get up again. You can brush yourself off, pick up the pieces, and rearrange them to make something different. And who knows? That something different may turn out to be what was supposed to be, all along.

Stories

So, I'm sitting here with an open Word document, and somehow, the words are flying. There's a fresh pot of coffee in the kitchen, and at the moment, it seems that I could type for hours. I suddenly have so much to say, and it just won't stay hidden anymore.

I have to admit, hearing the sounds my fingers are making, flying over the keys with no hesitation (and hopefully very few typos), I feel such a sense of relief. Writing, good writing, clear writing, has been impossible for so long... it's like finally scratching that awful itch you can never quite get to. But, one day, your angle is just... right... and then... ahhhhh. Finally.

Sometimes, when you least expect it, there is a light that shines in your direction, when the road is dark and you feel that no matter where you turn, which direction you choose, it isn't the right one. There is always a choice, sometimes you are simply so blinded by all you're dealing with, thinking, feeling...it just seems there are no more choices. But then there's a word, a song, a paragraph, a voice. The the lights come on, sometimes slowly, sometimes all at once, and you think “Yes! There it is! How did you know?”

This year has been a very long one for me and those I love, in as many different ways as you could possibly think of. There have been amazingly great times, and amazingly awful ones- very little this year has made middle of the road. I kept waiting for it to, but it never quite found that stride. And in wanting it so badly, I lost mine too.

I've been fumbling for a long time, wondering, waiting, searching without any idea where I was supposed to be going. I know it's somewhere special, I know there is something I'm supposed to be doing, and this year, for the first time, I think I truly lost sight of what it had always been. Writing has been my lifesaver for as long as I can remember, and yet, I could barely string two sentences together. I think that took something from me, and finding it again was something I had to fight for. I've worked so hard to keep it all together that it all just... sort of fell apart.

I have to let go, of so many things, and doing that has been an uphill battle. But it has to go- all of it, the excess baggage standing there in the corner, weighing me down and keeping me from truly taking a step forward and getting on with the business of making a life worth retelling someday. Because if that isn't what I'm doing, every day, then what am I doing here?

Where is it coming from, this clarity? From a voice, of course. A paragraph, a phrase. A new blog that has touched me on a lot of levels and given me some insight that is long overdue.I'm Listening is more than just my mother in law's blog :). She has a voice and a way with words that reach pretty deep. Be sure and give her a read- you won't be disappointed.

I'm not going to promise to be back soon, or talk much about the coming year. I'm just going to do. I'm tired of talking about what I'm going to do, or want to do, or need to do. I want to talk about what I'm doing, what I've done, what's actually going on, and not going to be.

I want to tell you stories, fiction and non. But more than that? I want to listen to my children tell the stories someday, and be able to truly cherish what they are saying, what they remember, what I remember. Because a the end of the day, it isn't about the happy ending. It's all about the story.

Uhhh.. What?

I turned thirty-one last Tuesday. I can't complain, I had a good b-day, and September has, so far, been a good month. The kids are flourishing in school, Miss T is enjoying being the sole attention getter during the day, and aside from the allergies that roll around every year, we're all in top form.

I can't complain, like I said. And yet... I'm sitting here, enjoying some (rare!!) quiet, and trying to prepare myself for the coming weeks. I think it's going to be interesting, these changes and emotions, and as soon as I'm wrapping my head around them, around this situation, there is always something else to wrap my head around. Such is life, right? But sometimes, I don't want to have something to wrap my head around, something to think about, anything to wonder about other than what I'm making for dinner, if the kids are having a good day, and whether that load of laundry will pick today to fold itself. I don't want to be the worrier, the analyzer, the one always planning eight steps ahead for whatever may or may not happen on any given day. I HATE that about myself, you know?

And there's a part of me that isn't that person. A part of me that doesn't have those worries, that rolls with it, laughs it off and enjoys the day. I like that part, I miss it when I can't find it. And I haven't lost it, misplaced it or had it hidden away as I think it has been in the past. I just had to be the grown up, and that pushed some of the easiness aside. Aaaand, I'm analyzing again. But, I doubt that's soemthing I can ever stop- my mind has a mind of its own, LOL, and it likes to work. And work, and work... you get the idea.

Life has been good, though. It really, really has. Am I worried that will change? Sure. Absolutely. I keep telling myself there's nothing I can't handle, and then I realize what that really says. I keep reminding myself things happen for a reason, and then I ask myself what the hell could it be??? I tell myself there are lessons, and tests, and think oh holy shit, am I going to pass? Fail? And how will I know which is which?? Loaded questions, all. And they have been for awhile- again, that's nothing new. But, it sure feels it all of a sudden.

Like I said- life has been good. I can't complain. Everyone is healthy, we have all been happy, and making plans for holidays, from layways to food and festivities. We've been doing more than surviving.. we have all been thriving. Together.

But today? Today I'm sitting here staring into space, thinking a million lost thoughts..... and oh my God, I want to scream...

Ya Know it's Monday...

Happy Mommy's Day to all the super moms out there. a little late (as usual) but I was with my family all weekend doing a whole lotta nothing and enjoying every minute. LOL I hope all of you were pampered and spoiled this weekend, lavished with homemade cards and stories that you will keep forever, and didn't have to lift (barely) a finger!

I have to tell you, I am so excited by one of my gifts this year- I finally got the stand mixer I've been drooling over for awhile now. I've had hand mixers, and a wooden spoon, but now that I'm baking and cooking so much more, trying new recipes, making my own as I go, this will make life sooo much simpler! And who doesn't want simpler, really? I think I'd marry the thing if I could- all twelve speeds of it. Wait.. that sounded... eh. Well. Moving on....

The mixer came with a recipe disk. This is where it gets more exciting. For me. It's filled with easy cakes, cookies, frostings, etc... and everything but the frosting starts with a cake mix. There's a how to, there are photos, and you can make your own recipe book, add your recipes, pics, etc. I'm in heaven over here with it all. And I now know how to make bunny cakes, cat cakes and sandcastle cakes. Seriously, diagrams are a must- I'm craft-impaired. I may end up with a deformed rabbit cake, but I'm planning on trying, because stuff like that is so fun to do with the kids. And then you can blame them if it looks funny... LOL!

I'm going to start taking more pictures as I do cook, and posting more- it's a promise. I'm committing to more posting, more pics and more recipes. Except my lasagna- never will I share that, it's my secret weapon. It goes up there with the rest of my arsenal, and is off limits. Everything else is up for grabs. Be forewarned, though- I'm not a gourmet chef. I'm not going to make a rack of lamb here, guys. But I can give you easy, inexpensive and very picky family friendly. And when I say picky, I'm not exaggerating- my kids are PICKY. Alyssa won't even eat pizza or peanut butter. I can't make things without sneaking things in, and I've learned that spices and seasoning are my best friends.

So, that's all. I'm rolling some ideas around in my head, and we may be looking at a more domestic not so domestic. But, I'm going to be doing it with the music blaring and a glass of wine in hand, probably with a sink full of dishes and kids running wild. So.. not too much is changing. ;)

Stay tuned... the party is just starting!

Books and Stuff

I've been writing for as long as I can remember. Same for reading. I have always had an appetite for fiction, and some non fiction, and I've always loved making my own little worlds where my characters live. I would love nothing more than to be published. That, so far, has not happened, and the self publishing route has been satisfying, for the most part.

I previously had 2 novels on one site for distribution, but due to policy and price changes I'm moving my stuff over to Amazon. They have a self publishing site of their own now, Create Space, and it seems a lot more cost effective and user friendly. I mean, I'm proud of my work, but not proud enough to expect someone to pay $70 for a paperback book- and that would be without royalties for the author. Ridiculous.

So, I set things up, and have a paperback of Sky Paintings on the way for me to proofread and check, then I'll give the ok to publish, and voila- type me in on Amazon, find my book. Almost like a "real" author, eh?

This is all happening from a friend of mine who recently read Sky Paintings, and has offered me a possible opportunity. I don't want to say much, or jinx myself, so mum's the word for now. I'm excited, flattered, and a little embarrassed- I'm not used to the attention, honestly, and I'm uncertain what to do with it. The idea of a possible group of people, unrelated to me, enjoying my book and wanting to know more? Intrigues me... but scares me some, too. I'm not interesting, LOL. I'm just... me, I guess.

Anyway, that's the long and short of it right now. I'm working on setting the space up, and possibly tossing Deadly Vision up, just because. I may have hated the work, but I did it. I'll keep you posted, and in the meantime.... enjoy that video down there! ; )

New Look, New(ish) Outlook

I've been wanting to change things up over here for awhile. Not just the look- I do that all the time, because I doubt I'll ever find a "look" to have permanently. Nothing ever screams "keep me", ya know?

What I'm talking about is changing up the content some. I've said (repeatedly) that I won't be guarded on here. And to a degree, I'm not. On some things (uber personal issues, friends-relatives names, etc.) I always will be, and I've explained all that before. (Again, repeatedly.) But this is my space, and sometimes I honestly think it isn't truly mine, if that makes sense. I say a lot, and there's still so much I don't say. Because of who may or may not read here, or what so-and so may think if I really let loose and say what I'm thinking.

So, I'm done with it. Read it or don't (I know, how many people have said it how many times on their own spaces... and how many times have I said it here?)... I don't want to worry about who is looking for innuendo in my words, who is making fun, who is picking apart my pictures, my ideas, or my life. I don't have time for the added worry, or for the wary feeling I've had lately. Read it, take what you want to (people do that anyway) or don't come here. My space, my thoughts, my junk.

That said, let's get on with it. I've shown you pieces of myself for the last year or so, and what you've gotten so far is barely enough to begin putting those pieces together for a clear picture. I'm not perfect, and I don't want to be... sometimes. LOL I'm messy, unorganized, short tempered, and have a very (VERY) low tolerance for bullshit. I give as good as I get, and I'm loyal (to a fault), to the people I love. Whether they deserve it or not.

So, here is my invitation to you. Let's put the pieces together. Let's have some laughs, a glass (or six) of wine and get to know one another. Welcome to the "new" blog. Pull up a kitchen chair and get comfy.

It's Not Different, Mmmkay?

We've covered a few bases here on music. By a few I mean a vague mention of the music we listen to around here, and then the few (several) posts about those Boston boys I have a little like for (yeah, yeah, it's a sickness, k? thanks) But we've never really talked about the fact that while I may have a slight obsession with those guys, I have a complete obsession for music. Always have.

I love music. I firmly believe music really is the soundtrack of life. I think I've mentioned that before, but it bears repeating. I can go back through all my memories and there's usually music revolving around every moment in my life. Certain songs bring certain things back, no matter where I am when i hear it, no matter what's going on. And that suits me.

I'm not a music snob- I like everything. I'm a lyrics girl at heart, though, for the most part, which explains my dislike for screaming metal- if I can't understand you, I'm not getting it. I love country music, especially Reba. I love a good love song, but i also like the ass kicking, I'm done with your crap stuff too. I'm a rap junkie, too. And yeah, I do like Eminem (it's had a bunch of hits, thanks so much) because angry stuff aside, these guys have something to say. I like when someone writes their own stuff and puts it out there. doesn't matter if it sells a million or five hundred- it's not written to make money. It's written by someone who has something to say.

So, I'm a music person. I love it, I have it on almost 24-7. That said, I'll plunge into the murky water where I may get some hate mail. But, it'll be worth it. Just to get it off my chest. Ready? Here we go:

I hate Britney Spears. It isn't because of her lifestyle, choices, mistakes, whatever- people have ups and downs, and I'm not here to judge. Plus, there are plenty of days where I'd like to beat the hell out of someone or something with an inanimate object. It's not her personally that irks me (but the way people sniff at her for every detail is a little old). It's because of the "music"... and sweet Jesus, I use that term very, very, VERY loosely.

Let's take stock- very pretty girl, in shape, sweet personality, just wants to be allowed to be herself without all the weird shit. Talented- she can dance, and her own voice isn't too bad- when we're allowed to hear it. All that shit they use for effect these days is annoying beyond belief. I don't want to hear some amped up/distorted/echo shit on someone's voice. I want to hear them. Maybe I'm getting old, but that's just weird to me. and a pain in the ass. But, especially with Britney, it's all worked over, all canned, tinny sounding. Fake, in other words. Using that shit makes it sound fake.

Then there's the annoying, icepick sound of the music in general. Her first album was cute, poppy and fun. Yeah, I had it. So sue me, k? It was a year of pop and I went a little crazy. But, it seemed each album became less about Britney singing and more about Britney NOT singing, and being half naked. Yeah yeah sex sells. But, hello? Britney is young. And back then, she was REALLY young. But, nevertheless, there she was with little left to the imagination. Dancing, lipsynching and all that shit.

Then there was a break, when she had her issues and went a little nuts. But now... now she's back. With Womanizer. Which I hear at least nine hundred times a day on various radio stations and on my XM channels. And then, I hear it in my head. It's repetitive. It's not like hearing a real voice at all... every time I hear it, I feel like I'm listening to a damn robot sing.

It's not good music. I don't care how much it sells, how much people are clamoring for it. It's almost like a circus of really bad shit. But, to each their own. You may love it, she may be just your cup of tea.. and that's great. Me? I don't get why people sell out like that. She's the proverbial dumb acting girl with her boobs hanging out hoping the big strong man will take care of it all. And then "singing" about it. Bleecccch.

So, nope, I don't think she's "different", or "fun", or "edgy". I think she's going to be sorry when her looks start going and she has nothing to fall back on. Look at the women singers today- they're gorgeous, sure. Great bodies, absolutely. But they can also sing. Without all the bells and whistles. Now that? THAT's where Britney is different.

Getting It

Can you believe it's almost 2009? This year has flown by... I know, I've said that before. But it's so true! It's been an interesting one, too- to say the very least. It's been unusual. It's been beautiful. It's been downright ugly. But it's been an adventure- which is what keeps me going.

Let's see. In 2008, hell froze over. I know, that expression has been sorta used for another album and group, but seriously? So fitting. I got to relive a lot of my warm fuzzy moments, and experience something I didn't even know I'd enjoy nearly as much as I have. And I've had my kids along for most of the ride with me- which has been amazing to do. They've seen pieces of me they wouldn't have otherwise, they've watched me find myself and turn myself around in a lot of ways I didn't know I could, would, or even wanted to. I've been twelve, fifteen, and thirty at the same time. I've found that inner fun again, that girl who knew what was and wasn't, the one who knew what she wanted... and somehow forgot along the way. I've learned what I can and can't accept, handle or want in my life- I've found those non negotiable things. and some of that comes from turning thirty, I think, and looking back, forward and all around. Some of that comes from remembering who I was at some of the best parts of my younger life, embracing it, and saying to hell with what anyone else thinks. This is me, good bad and in between. I'm unashamed, unapologetic, and if it doesn't make me one of the "cool kids", I don't really care. I never was one of the cool kids anyway.

I don't know how to play the game. I don't know how to wear the false face, the better than you attitude, or the your shit stinks and mine's roses smile. That never made me popular. If I don't like you, I don't like you... I'm not shy about that. I don't have it in me for that. And I've hit my stride. I'm comfortable with that. I'm good with what I'm doing (though being a blog superstar? Would rock, and I'd so be lying if I said I didn't want to be one of THOSE cool kids!)But I don't want to be in the "clique"- whether it's the popular moms at my kids' schools, the popular one in the fangirl crowd, or whatever the hell you call us. I'm not sacrificing the parts of myself that seem to need sacrificing for that. The blogosphere, however? That's a different ballgame. Being cool in the blogosphere isn't about losing yourself, it's about BEING yourself. Maybe that's why I'm so comfortable here. I can let it all hang out and not really worry about it.

I can come here and talk about my kids' issues, my issues. I can be a dork, I can cry, rant, rave. I can laugh and gush, I can tell you about teething or snot, birthdays or baking. Music or clothes. Relationships, assholes, people that suck... it doesn't matter what I say. No one is (openly) judging me. And if anyone is? I don't know about it. I can just be... me. Alyssa, Jake and Taylor's mom. I can be autumn. Daughter, friend, lover, woman, PERSON. The New Kids junkie. Not Joe McIntyre's wife (which has been Googled at least six times to find me now... it never fails to crack me up). I don't have to look gorgeous (which never happens anyway, BTW), be dressed nicely (or really, even at all.. cause who would know?) or even comb my hair. I'm just here to ramble about my life, and all it's ins and outs. That? Kicks ass. That people read it? Kicks major ass.

What I'm trying to say is 2008 rocked my socks, turned me inside out, upside down and righted me again. With a grin on my face and a better sense of who this chick really is. Let's make 2009 even bigger, even better. Let's get this, shall we? Let's GET this.

Some Random Ish

We survived Thanksgiving! Seriously. this is the first year in I don't even know how long that no one has been sick. Everyone ate, enjoyed and looked decidedly full and content afterward. Other than the cats milling around and being a huge pain in my ass, it was a pretty good day. The kids were all pleasant, there was a minimum of the usual fighting and "Mom, he/she did THIS" (which is usually said in either a whine or a high pitched shriek that could possibly shatter your glassware and all your nerves at one time). I think it's the Christmas is coming vibe that's humming around here that has everyone in a relatively calm state. Unless it's the Prozac I keep slipping into the cocoa? Huh. Could be that, too I guess... Either way.

Today is the big decoration, tree decorating day at Casa Diva. The Christmas tunes will be blaring (yes, yes, including my favorite Christmas album of all time, Merry Merry Christmas, by... you guessed it, NKOTB), there will be enough marshmallows and cocoa to give everyone a suitable chocolate buzz, and all will (hopefully) be peaceful and fun. If not, there's always more Prozac, yes?

I'm excited because this will be Taylor's first major Christmas season. Last year, she was too little to notice, let alone enjoy, the holidays. This year, I think it will fascinate her. the lights, the sparkly tinsel, the tree with all the shiny ornaments she will be itching to get her greedy little hands on.... and then will come the baking. She will definitely enjoy all the yummy goodness of the food side of it too. Because I'm a baking, making fool. I bake cookies, I make candy, I have cakes, pies, cupcakes, brownies... it goes on and on. and every year, I try to add something new. Th e list keeps growing, but we all enjoy it.

What I want to do this year is make pizzelles. I need a pizzelle iron, which I probably will have to get online, but I remember these from all the my earlier Christmases, and I've finally started missing them. My mom made them for quite a few years at Christmas, and it's never been something I really thought about, till now. Pizzelles will be something unique to our family, I think, and something not everyone makes... at least, in this neck of the woods. I think they'd be a fun addition. That and they really are simple to make, almost like waffles. They take next to no time at all, and they're not only yummy, they are so prertty! They have the cutest designs on pizzelle irons, and the finished cookies, sprinkled with powdered sugar? Look like snowflakes. Gorgeous.

I hope you guys all had a great day yesterday, and enjoyed your traditions, be they new, old, or slightly adjusted. And to any of you out on Black Friday shopping? I tip my coffee cup at you- you got way bigger cajones than me, my friend! I have absolutely no patience shopping on regular days- shopping today would probably be dangerous for the person who would either

1. block the aisle by having an hour long chat with their Great Aunt Bertha.

2. Ram into me with their cart, because they don't watch where the hell they're going.

Or 3. Cut in front of me to either grab something off the shelf, or get ahead of me at the check out.

Seriously. Ask J. He hates shopping with me, because I'm so not polite. I am at first, but if i say excuse me more than once? Screw you, buddy, I'm moving you or moving myself around your inconsiderate ass. So me on Black Friday? Tucked safely at home with cocoa and Christmas music. Think of it as my contribution to public safety. Cause I'm generous that way...

Conversations With My Daughter

Sometimes, my daughter amazes me. Really. Alyssa has been into the Presidential race from the beginning- mainly because of my influence. I'm open with my kids about everything, including politics. And this has been a history making race. Not something I thought I would ever see and now something that I want them to remember as the very first time there was a whisper of change.

She watched with me to see whether Senator Clinton or Senator Obama would win the nomination. She listened to the coverage, asked questions. I answered as best I could, keeping in mind that she would absorb this and take it with her later on. I encouraged her curiosity, talking with her about making intelligent choices, paying attention to what all the candidates, party aside, had to say. Because, for me, it isn't about the party. It's about the best person for the job. It isn't about your race, your gender, your religion. It's how you, in my eyes, will best serve our country and the people that live in it... how will your term help us to flourish?

Last month, she came home from school telling me about the mock election they would be holding. she wanted to know why she couldn't just vote, for real. She wants to vote. She's upset that she can't. I'm proud of that. And then, the hard hitting questions.

She wanted to know why people would or wouldn't vote for someone based on their color, their gender or their religion. I explained that some people see things differently, and that there are some who can't look past certain things to see a bigger picture. Here are Alyssa's opinions on that:

Voting for someone just because they're a woman is stupid. Same for NOT voting for the same reason. "I know we're smarter, Mom .. (oops...).. but still!"

Voting for / against someone because they are a different color is dumb. "It's what's inside that makes people good or bad, not what's outside." Very true, my smart girl. But not all people are open minded enough to see that.

Voting because of religion is dumb, too. "Isn't America here because we wanted to be free to believe what we want to?" Thank you, public education, for giving her that so early. That isn't sarcasm on my part, either. I appreciate her knowing these things when she's not so jaded against this or that.

Alyssa has an advantage when it comes to "different". She doesn't see it. Having Jake has given her that, and having me be open has given her more. She's never made fun of someone for being different, she's never understood why people are picked on for it. She seems to grasp the idea that some people don't see it that way, but she hasn't matured enough to realize that regardless, it will always be that way. Sadly. People will always be labeled, judged, etc. Unfortunately, it's the way the world seems to work. She understands, because of Jake, that people are cruel sometimes, and sometimes they just don't understand. We fear what we don't understand, a lot of the time. And we react to that.

She voted, proudly, in her election yesterday. She has watched coverage of Kids Pick the President. She's now fascinated with former Presidents, Abraham Lincoln in particular. To her, he made this election possible. She is enthralled with the idea of this first. Because either way, it will be a first. She is excited to be a part of it, even without being able to really vote. She actually seems to grasp some of the bigger issues and has very definite opinions about them. Some issues, of course, are too complicated, or mature, to explain to her. I'm open, but not when it involves explaining things she really doesn't need to know about. For now.

She blows me away sometimes. She really does. She is still so innocent in the ways of the world, but more informed than a lot of the adults I know who ARE allowed to vote. Scary. All I know is that this has affected her. She wants to know more about those who have changed the country, and she wants to know how she can too. And who knows, maybe one day she really will. At eight, she already seems more qualified than some. **cough**

So, go out and vote. Let's all hope that positive changes come from this election, and hope that we call all be united in our support of one another's choices. No more attacking or judging, or even condemning because of who we believe is the best choice. After all, isn't this about being free to make that choice? Just ask my daughter.

Ramble, Ramble, Ramble....

I want to start this post off with a big congrats to J, who, over the weekend, became Sports Editor over at Crave Online. Crave is a pretty cool site, if you have never checked it out. they cover sports, comics, movies... they run the gamut of topics over there, and the articles are entertaining and informed. check them out! J has written for them freelance for over a year now, starting with comics, then adding sports to the mix. Now, he's moved up the ladder in the sports area and I can't think of anyone better for the job. The man loves sports, and writes one hell of an article. Pop over there and have a look around- I guarantee that there's something there for you to enjoy.

Next up- I've decided, after months of thinking and procrastinating, to attempt NaBloPoMo for November. Probably because there is no theme. I know myself well enough to realize writing daily, with a theme, would drive me insane. I most likely could not do it, or would claw my face off trying to do it. Writing every day, even on weekends, will be enough of a challenge for me right now, but something that I need to get back into doing. The creative juices are not flowing as freely as they once did (damn the flowage), and I'm hoping winter finds me typing away at something besides the blog, you know? Head over there as well and check it out- it's a fun community to join! And an interesting way to exercise your writing skills, even if those include rambling on and occasionally posting pictures of your cat wearing children's clothing. **cough**

Next month is Taylor's first birthday- I can barely believe it! I'm not planning a huge party- just a family- friends type event here at home, like we did for Alyssa and Jake. I am planning a lot of decorations and things to make it fun for her, and am trying to settle on a theme. The kids' parties have always been themed, but Miss T doesn't really have one thing she favors more, character or toy wise. She's bound and determined to be unique, this teething, non sleeping last baby baby of mine, and she is excelling. LOL So I'm thinking of just doing a theme of my own. Pastels, a few brighter colors, some girly things... something fun, memorable, and non cheesy, like a lot of the first birthday decor sets I'm seeing. Any ideas?

I'm anxious to see where she falls in the first cake category. Alyssa refused to touch her cake. She hated sweets of any kind until she was about three, and on her 1st, i was the one who put her fingers in the frosting... and then dabbed some on her nose and face thinking it would be cute, and she'd see it tasted yummy. It apparently was NOT yummy, and the photos show her crying hysterically as we rush to wipe the poison evil of sugar from her face and hands. I remember her flailing her hands in the air, screeching at the injustice of me trying to give her frosting and cake.

Jake, on the other hand... LOL. Jake tore his cake up. And then became territorial and swiped at anyone attempting to clean him off, remove the cake, etc... it was hysterical. He was covered by the time he was done. He tested it warily at first, and then plowed in, got it EVERYWHERE, got tired and proceeded to rub his face and head with his cake hands. The final pic of that we have is him leaning away from J, glaring as he approached to remove him from the demolition site. It took forever to get the frosting off of him, even in the bath. That stuff is like glue in hair.

So, I'm excited and a little sad. First birthdays are bittersweet. My baby is heading for toddler land, and soon the snuggles and games are going to change. The babbles will be real words and sentences, the crawling and pulling up will be walking, then running. The still gummy smiles will be filled with actual teeth, and the little curls will be longer and lose that baby fine texture. I don't really miss those early weeks and months, but there's a longing nonetheless. I miss the idea of doing it again, I suppose. The possibility.

But I look at all three of them, in their various stages and ones they've gone through, and I can say I am content with things as they are. Because there may be times I'll miss the small, sweet babies they used to be, I can watch them change, grow, become their own people and see so many possibilities.

I was going to touch on politics today, but it doesn't seem the post for it. Next time, maybe, when I can take time to really think about how I want to say things. For now, I'll leave you guys with this- pick a memory. A good one! Now, take a few minutes to be nostalgic- remember something that will give you the warm fuzzies all over. Whether it's your first kiss, your first baby, your first.. heh... take a few minutes to look back and remember- you are where you are, in part, because of that very moment. Weird, huh? Now, think of a not so good memory- and it's the same thing. You wouldn't be where you are without either. Think about that. what did you learn? How did it shape you? What did you walk away from it with, what did you leave behind?

Just food for thought.....

Seasons

I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee, a nice breeze floating through the screen door, bringing with it the smell of fall in the air. I'm watching leaves drift lazily to the ground in various shades of yellows, browns, reds and deep, deep orange. The house is fairly quiet, with just some Taylor chatter as she plays with her toys and crawls around, stopping every couple minutes to see what Dora is exploring today.
Jake is home sick, but even he's been pretty peaceful today (puking all night will at least make you seem peaceful, when it's really just taken all of your energy.) Everything seems to be at ease, and I'm just kicked back, enjoying my coffee, the quiet and my favorite time of year.

We need it, all of us. We've been stressed to the limit recently, and this lull is just what the doctor ordered for some recharging. There have been so many things happening (good bad and in between) that it was to the point where every small thing seemed huge, daunting, one of those "oh what NOW?" deals. And it's mostly been fairly normal stuff- Taylor teething, not sleeping, etc. Alyssa finding her wings and pushing the limit (and getting grounded) with attitude and responsibilities. Planning for birthdays, holidays, etc- from the time fall hits, it's one occasion after another. So there's re-budgeting, planning, etc., and that's somewhat stressful on a good day. LOL

Now, it seems to be settling some. I can think about baking, about decorating for the holidays. About my Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners, all the things I love so much about this time of year. Seriously- I start playing Christmas music in early November, ok? And speaking of?!?! (You knew it was coming, didn't you? Yes, of course you did.) My FAVORITE Christmas album of all time has finally been reissued. It's been out of print since.. what, early 90's?... and all i had was a cassette that finally died on me a couple years back. Now, I can finally introduce the kids properly to even more music from my boys- (insert evil laughter). I think they'll like it better now that it doesn't sound warped and slow (cassettes do not hold up well for nearly twenty years, even if they are only played once a year.)

I'm enjoying the changes. In the kids, in myself, in everything. I feel so different. Like I'm finally comfortable in my own skin. Like this is the time when things are finally going to settle into place how they are supposed to be. Like the pieces are going to fit, not bulge and crack as I try so hard to MAKE them fit. This is the right path, the one we are on right now. I don't know where we're going, but I think that's ok. I think that's how it should be.

Now- here's what we all need to do. Go play in the leaves. Let them crunch and crackle under your feet. Jump in a huge pile and roll around. Toss them in the air. Whatever you wanna do. and then go have some warm apple cider (with a cinnamon stick!) and bask in the ultimate time of year!

When Good Electronics Go Bad.....

I had this title prepared when I signed in this morning, since lately, I'm having brain malfunction every time I try to think of one. Then I signed in, checked some things, and had a brain malfunction again. But, despite badly wanting to use another title, I went with this one. Because although I'm not big on coincidence, I'm also not big on over thinking something that probably really is a coincidence. A repeated, location specific coincidence. **cough**

I have a lot to say today (surprise, surprise) and I'm probably going to be all over the board with it (again, surprise...) but I feel good this morning, and I'm going with that. Today is starting out with hope, something that I've not felt, completely, for a while now. Because of all that's been happening, everything's had that smudge on it, if that makes sense to you guys. Even the most enjoyable moments, and there have been more than a few, didn't completely take away my anxiety. This morning, I feel good. So, bear with me as I bounce around.

The electronics here at Casa Diva seem disgruntled. Maybe they feel over worked and underpaid, I dunno... but first, J's beloved 360 decided to keel over, complete with the Red Ring of Death. And oh my God- the drama of that was insane. Boys and toys, like boys and sports, are interesting to watch. Especially when said toy takes its leave. I thought I was the creative one when it came to cussing. Apparently, I was wrong....

Then, the microwave kicked it. Like, surged, attempted to set on fire, then just... stopped. I regained my title with that whole creative thing.. although nothing could top when the ATM was being serviced at the bank on the 3rd. THAT was definite creativity- and apparently, also very amusing. I put things together I'd never even SAID... and then had to threaten my children not to ever, ever repeat any of those words, together or apart....

I digress (again). First, 360. Next, microwave. In the midst of those, both sets of headphones lost the soft thingy around the ears... on the left side. Both sets, on the left side. And the speakers on the comp are dying.. the music stuff I get. That IS over worked, especially lately. I've never been easy on anything that plays music- I've gone through more cassette players, CD players, speakers, Walkman, etc.... I play frequently, I play loud. They need to keep up with me. :)

This morning, the hair dryer surged at me. I shit you not. I couldn't make this stuff up, people. I mean, obviously I COULD, but what would be the point? I am keeping my fingers crossed at this point that the electronics decide not to continue on their suicide missions. Because now we need a damn microwave, and J will be panting for a 360. Me, I want a Wii, but that's beside the point...

Something else I was thinking about (yes, I DO think about too much at one time, thanks for noticing) is how different all the blogs I frequent really are. From mine, from one another. I mean, everyone I read is diverse, everyone has something unique to offer. That's why there are so many people reading so many blogs, I think- people are so open when they write, you really do get a glimpse into who they are. And that can be pretty awesome. I haven't read anyone, yet, who censors themselves, or worries (too much) about who will read them, or what they'll think if they do. I'm working on that, LOL.

I know that for me, like a lot of people, this is sort of an escape. I always deal better with things when I can write them down. It gives me a different way to process things, see things, etc., and I usually feel better once I've got something on paper (or PC) and I can go back and look at it. Blogging does all that and then also offers the support of others, the opinions... it's nice to get the feedback, and see someone else that's either been there, or cares that you ARE there. That means a lot, and has carried me through a lot of the last few weeks. This is THE place where i can say exactly what I want, and no one's going to look shocked, or tell me to calm down, don't say-do that, feel that way, etc... And even if they think it, I don't know they are. :)

So, thanks, for anyone who reads, even if you never comment. Double thanks to those who do both. It's weird to me that ANYONE wants to see what I have to say about anything. even weirder that a lot of you keep coming back. Because I'm never one just one track, and I'm more than likely going to be completely random, and cover a myriad of things happening.

What I'm saying is I appreciate you. All of you. Sometimes, you get me through my day (some of you in more ways than one- odd shit, that). Sometimes, you get me through a few days, a week. So, thanks. For reading, for coming back to read again, for commenting... You never know what's going to make someone's day. Now ya do. :)

5 Facts for Awareness

Since October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I am encouraging all of you to go to the Purina Cat Chow website and learn five facts about breast cancer. For each person who does so, one dollar will be donated to the Susan G. Komen For the Cure foundation. This is one dollar in addition to the $175,000 already donated by Purina. The goal they're trying to reach is $225, ooo.

It takes less than five minutes, and not only can you donate in your name, a survivor's name, or anyone else of your choosing, you can learn five facts that can be pretty useful in the fight for early detection and prevention.

Thanks!

**edited to add- ** the links above do not seem to be working for some reason. The websites are as follows:

catchow.com/pink

www.komen.org

Thanks to Casey for pointing that out to me. **

Drawing A Blank

I don't have a title as of right now. Maybe it'll come to me as I type, maybe it'll stay the way it is right now. Eh.

Today was the final meeting in putting the school catastrophe to bed. I am so relieved that's over I can't even express it in words. I also cannot put into words how it made me feel to be complimented on my handling of this situation and in getting the proper help and care for Jacob. It's nice to hear once in awhile, from anyone. Especially professionals who mention my intelligence, my knowledge of my child and his situation, reactions, etc. It gives you a boost to get a pat on the back- and people don't do it often enough for one another. Because there are plenty of days when it can make every bit of difference in a person's outlook. Believe me.

I'm guilty of not being forthcoming on the "good job" front myself. But hearing it more than once in the last few days has made me think about it a lot. Just those words have made me rethink myself some; imagine what they could do for other people too? Especially people who don't think of themselves as particularly intelligent, as a great parent, etc.... Someone telling you that yuoi are something positive will change how you see yourself, and make you look closer at what others are good at. It has me, anyway.

Now that this is all over, my mind isn't as all over the place. I am focused... and my focus is, of course, on Friday. And even more so now that I found out that my seats? Are going to be right next to the 2nd stage. There is a smaller stage set up with a piano, and room enough for five men. This stage is on the floor of the arena, in the middle of the crowd. In the aisles. I am on the floor. My seat is on the aisle. And I shit you not, when I read this little piece of information? I almost had a panic attack. Probably because I had just finished watching another spoiler (yeah, yeah, I know, shame on me...) where they were on that 2nd stage. I swear to God, I'm thirteen years old right now. And it gets worse with every passing hour. By Friday morning I'll be unable to communicate without screeching like a deranged monkey. And I'm good with that.

To complete my spiral into teenybop land, I'm off to shoo the kids to bed, make a fried pb sandwich, a cappuccino, and settle in with 90210. Tomorrow, more on fall TV, and probably more on the upcoming nervous breakdown. LOL