Perfectly Obvious

I had a really good weekend. You know by now that I am always going to tell you about those moments, those “aha!” times... and whether I learn for a minute or a day, or maybe-hopefully- a lifetime, I'm going to relish every one of them. I had a lot of them this weekend. A lot of them the last couple weeks, I suppose, but the best ones came from this weekend. For the first time in a long time, I really appreciated and paid attention to what was going on around me- the little things, the big ones... and I am so thankful for the people who remind me, daily, to be grateful, humble, and to hold onto all I do have with all that I've got.

I spent Saturday morning with some of the women in my family, and it was the most amazing experience. We had a Mother-Daughter brunch at my mother-in-law and sister-in- law's church, and my mother-in-law was the speaker. She truly does have a gift with words, written and spoken. Not just a talent, which she has more than I could hope for, but a GIFT. She speaks from her very soul, and there wasn't a woman in that room who wasn't touched... because she was speaking to us. Reminding us that we are loved, blessed, important. That we are never alone, our shoulders should never slump, heads should never be down. She reminded us how important we all are- each of us unique, with gifts and talents of our own. And she reminded me that there is peace in faith.

I have a hard time with that- with having that unshakable knowing that even my most well kept secrets are not just mine to keep, to know. That I am not the only one who sees and knows my heart, my soul, my reasons and reactions. I have a hard time with that, with that absolute. I struggle with faith, with God and I really shouldn't- I have seen plenty of miracles, been given plenty of signs. I don't doubt He is there. I wonder how He could be there for me, that's all. And I envy that absolute- knowing you are never alone, your walk is never solitary. I question everything, it's part of who I am. I analyze, think, wonder, and do it all again. I could probably analyze myself to death over things... but maybe that's part of that being unique thing?

I walked out of there with a better sense of who my family is, where my husband came from, and how amazing it is really belonging. I belong to these people, and they belong to me. And that honestly is through the grace of God- there is nothing else that could have kept us together. But to know that? To really see that? It nearly knocked me down- I really belong with them. I'm theirs, they're mine... for the kid who never fit, the woman who skirted the outside of the line because of this, this or that? That was my gift this Mother's Day. They gave it back, what I've been missing, questioning, chasing. It really was right there in front of me- I just had to knock some old walls down to see it. Or rather, the walls were knocked down for me, which is sometimes even better. I have a new sense of myself, my faith, and my worth. As a woman, a mother, a wife, a daughter, sister, lover, friend... this weekend gave it back to me. In pieces, in words and gestures, I started to feel a little more peace, a little more me. That finding and holding onto me thing is a killer, you know? But finding me comes from the mountains as well as the valleys, and knowing what matters and what doesn't. And knowing that it isn't always peaceful or easy... there are hard questions, awful moments, and difficult choices and decisions. But that doesn't change the core, the base, that foundation. Unless I let it. The only thing really shaking the tree is me- no one can make it or break it, but my emotions and reactions sure can.

There was one thing said over this entire weekend that immediately opened up a part of me that I'd thought I would never see again. It wasn't said to me, and no one but me probably even remembers it being said. I haven't shared it, and I won't, but that one statement shook loose a lot of cobwebs, and THAT was when my shoulders relaxed, my head popped up, and had you looked closely enough, that was my moment. Over everything else, that was my moment. Everything else was able to really sink in and take hold because of it. And the best part was it didn't give me any glee, it didn't give me that sense of satisfaction that it would have before.. it just was, because it was true in the real sense of things. And acknowledgment does a lot. And even when it isn't said out loud, actions tell you a lot as well.

It isn't about being right, being better, being above- I've said it before. It's just about being, knowing your limits, seeing your strengths and your weaknesses equally. Without patting yourself on the back, or berating yourself. It is what it is, and every day is new, every day is a chance to begin something else, learn something new...

You can't change others, but you can change yourself. Reactions again. I'm going to keep my heart as open as my eyes, and see what is rather than what isn't. There is no what if, there is no might have been, or could be... this is what is. And I've been missing it, hiding from it, pushing it away because of what was. I'm just going to trust, in myself and in the people I love. The only walls I want are the ones against the negative- there's way too much of that in the world, and letting go, being rid of it, is hard. But it eats away at everything that counts. That's what is so hard to remember sometimes- we focus so much on one negative, one jab, one thing that chips away at all the good we really do have. It takes away from the significant. I'm not doing that anymore- I owe too much to the people who love me, the people I have and am building this life and these memories with, to allow anything to stand in the way of it. There has been too much hurt, too many moments that would have been perfect but for... It's such a waste. I don't want to waste the time I've got, and I'm not going to anymore. Emotions have a trickle effect, and why should any of us allow all the outside bs to trickle in, change our moments, days or lives? Because it's meant to? Because it's pointed? Who cares? That isn't on me, that's only for me to recognize and react to. That's where my choice lies. And it's easy to get worked up, angry, worried... but why, when it's obviously the point? Especially when it's obviously the point? And even more so, when it doesn't matter to anyone else? That's what I needed to see, I think- I wasn't the only one seeing it. I was just the only one reacting.

Like I said, it was a good weekend. I had a lot of conversations, a lot of lessons, and the main lightbulb moments I needed, from the people I needed them from most. The strongest tie in the world is love. I belong with the people I have, and they belong with me. The rest of it doesn't hold weight or power over me unless I choose to allow that. And why should I, when no one else is? Does that mean all the negative will magically disappear? Of course not. Does it mean things won't touch a nerve, cause an annoyance? Nope. But it does mean that I'm not allowing it into my day, or into our lives, to make a major out of a minor. It does mean that I can see some things as almost routine- because it really is obvious- and just go on. I choose to be transparent and enjoy my life with good people and good times, not to be transparent and enjoy my life by being negative or spiteful. That's my choice. What's yours?

No Apologies

I'm going to apologize one time for those that I may offend or upset with the things I say, and that's all.** I've done that enough, apologized or kept quiet. I've put my thoughts and feelings behind everyone else, I've attempted to keep from rocking the boat, upsetting the masses... and you know what? It makes me miserable. Because while I'm biting my tongue, you see it as acceptance. You see it as me being ok with however people speak to me, treat me, talk about me. You see it as ok that I'm there emotionally for whoever needs me when they need me, and when it's my turn, I'm handling it on my own.

I don't ask for help. But I learned a long time ago that the people who expect me to drop everything for them are usually not willing to do the same for me. So I bite my tongue, handle my own, and am just a little less inclined to be there the next time.

I think I must seem very unassuming. I seem accepting, almost a doormat, in the way I have lived my life. The last couple of months have shown me a lot about people, and most of it isn't surprising, but it's still hurtful just the same. I seem to be one of the few who just have to “suck it up”, “get over it”, and continue to put myself after everyone else, whatever situation arises. And there's something you seem to forget- I really don't have to. That's the beauty of it- you don't have to, and nine times out of ten, I wouldn't ask you to. I would never ask anyone to put themselves in the midst of something where they would be uncomfortable, or be treated badly and pretend that's it's ok and time to forget it. It doesn't work that way for you, so why does it work that way for me?

My life, needs, wants and feelings are no less than anyone else's. To behave as if they are is pretty selfish, I think.. and it's just not the way I'm doing things anymore. I don't want my kids growing up thinking it's ok for people to treat them like they are less than, that they are unimportant, or have to put up with being jerked around at someone's whim. Doesn't work that way. And when I see my daughter upset, or confused as to why she's been treated a certain way, it reminds me she is a lot more like me than it seems sometimes. And I want her to view it differently than I did. I don't want her to be the kid who gets called or hung out with when there's nothing else to do- that starts the ball rolling that gives people the permission to use you, put you on a shelf and take you down again when you have something to offer, or something they can use you for. She is second to no one, she has no reason to feel as if she needs to strive for acceptance... and therein lies the straw that didn't just break the camel's back, it put him in a coma.

I think I'm tired of waiting. There's always another shoe, another jerk, another hurt. That's life, even on the best days. But when you get so accustomed to the other shoe that you spend at least half your time waiting for it, then going quietly with whatever comes from it, it begins to build. Then it just keeps building, festering, until you explode. Until you are so consumed with everything and everyone else that all you feel is exhausted. You have your emotions invested in everyone's hurts, issues and angers... and your own are sitting there, waiting, just like you do.

I'm tired of being that person. I'm tired of feeling like I am here to appease everyone, to be spoken to and treated however people choose, and have no opinion. I'm tired of my children seeing the fallout, or paying for other people's mistakes and that being ok too. It's not, it never was, and it will never be ok for them to pay for anything. When that starts, everything else comes to a screeching halt.

It's time to push the envelope. I'm not waiting anymore. I'm not appeasing anymore. I'm not spending my time, emotion or energy on anyone who doesn't do the same for me. I'm not sucking it up, I'm not being treated badly and pretending I don't think you're an asshole, just to make it easy on everyone else. While I'm busy doing that, who is making it easy on me?

My children are my life, and they come first. They won't ever be set aside to appease. I won't apologize for this life, and I won't be made to feel as if I should. I won't apologize for my thoughts, or feelings. I'm going to challenge myself, every day, to stop talking and start walking. Actions speak a thousand times louder than words, and God knows when I speak, it goes unheard. It's ok for you to talk, to say whatever you want so it's ok for me too. I'm just as free as everyone else, and it's time I realize that, and time you realize that as well. I'm done telling you what you want to hear, putting on my game face and wondering the entire time why the hell I'm wasting my time. I owe it to my kids, to myself, to put my money where my mouth is, and teach them that they don't ever have to accept or settle for being anyone's settled for, in any situation. They never have been, why start now?

Today I will practice what I preach, I will let my actions speak louder, and I think it's going to be a challenge- but I have never walked away from one yet, have I? I've fought through more than one “impossible” situation, and I always come out swinging. I do a lot of it internally, but it gets done. I don't need a standing ovation for doing what I need to do- though an occasional acknowledgment would be nice.

One thing I have learned in life, for certain, is that you have to stand up. Anyone can sit by, and let it all pass along... but what for? Stand up and never back down from what you know to be true, what you know is right. Sure, you'll piss some people off, maybe lose a few “friends”... but if they were really your friends, you wouldn't have to worry about it in the first place, would you?

So, I'm going to stand. My legs may be a little wobbly, my back

bone a little out of practice. But it's time to stop waiting, and start doing. Stop holding out for when it gets easier, and start pushing the obstacles out of the way. The way I'm feeling right now is pretty cut and dry, and pretty simple- When it comes to my life, you are either in it, or in my way.

**This is what comes of bottling it up. There have been several situations lately that have popped up and several times I've bitten my tongue or sat on my hands so as not to say or type things I actually do mean, but would have said in ways I didn't mean them. So.. no more. And that's all I have to say on it at this point- No. More.

Hello 2010 ::)

I said I wasn't going to write a “wrap up” of 2009, and I'm still not planning on it. This year has seemed... bigger than about twelve months, more than just about this year. Sounds odd, doesn't it? But it is the best way I can describe it.

2009 was the year of searching, looking back through several years, emotions, experiences and questions. And finding answers, even when we didn't want to, even when it seemed that the solutions were harder to handle than the issues. This was the hard one, the big one. This was the boogeyman, the unmentionables, the upside down. This was about digging through all the muck, dropping pride and defenses at the door, and wading in. This was the year that counted, the one that may not have rewritten the book, but it sure did change the chapters in front of us. And look- we are all still standing here. Our hair may be a little tousled, but we're all in one piece. In fact, if you look a little closer, there's just that much more light in our eyes.

Life isn't about being “right”. It really isn't, as much as we'd like it to be sometimes. It's not about being better than, having more. It's about just being better. Giving more, being more.... it's about being right with who you are, and the decisions you have made, the life you are building. And it's about admitting when you aren't right with those things, being big enough to recognize the changes in you that need made, and taking the steps to make them. That's a hard thing, I'll tell you right now. That's the hardest thing you will ever do, and you'll hate it.... but it's worth it to find some shred of light, of peace, at the end of the road.

I have learned a lot about the people in my life this year, about the people they are and why. That's where it is for me- the why. The who you are because of how you got here. It fascinates me, draws me in... and it gives you a different take on things. You have to walk in someone else's shoes for a minute sometimes, to stop judging and see things from the other sides. Yours is only part of the story, you know?

I know some amazing people. I really am blessed, and I've come to see that every person in my life brings something to the table, brings it all together in a complex and unique mosaic that I really wouldn't change for anything else. I hope I'm bringing that, too, adding to rather than taking from. I'm working on it.

I think that 2010 is going to be an amazing year, the beginning of a really interesting journey. I'm ready for that, I look forward to it. I'm not making any resolutions, I'm simply going to go with it, as much as my over analyzing mind can, anyway, and let life... just... happen. It's going to anyway, there's no point in not enjoying it. We waste so much time on what if's, maybes... We worry ourselves sick trying to plan for every single possibility, and we miss out on the whole purpose OF possibility. That means you can do anything, be anything... if you just get out of your own way, that is. .

2010 is going to be the Nothing is Impossible year. Hmmm... I guess I DID make a resolution after all, didn't I? Oh well... I guess anything can happen, can't it? ;)

Perspective

Have you ever just had one of those days where it feels as if time has slowed to almost a stand still and no matter what you do, you just can't get it to move any faster. You can't concentrate on reading, TV, music... You've cleaned, baked, put the kids to sleep. The evening just stretches before you, and all the things you complain about never getting to do? You don't want to do.

Because, suddenly, there's this openness that you keep stretching toward, this goal you are determined to reach, no matter who or what seems just as determined to keep you away from it. You are reaching out of your shell, out of your comfort zone... and out of everyone else's. Scary thing, that.

Somehow, there has been a shift. It's been coming and coming, the build up has been impossible to ignore. It wasn't a light at the end of a tunnel, it wasn't a welcoming hand. It was a shove into the deep end and a cheery “Swim or die.” It was almost a direct dare to persevere, overcome, walk out of the ashes with your head held high.

So you did. Sort of. You went unheard, felt unseen. You watched your opinion matter very little, and you quietly took stock. You observed, you paid attention. You hurt, you soared. You cried, you felt overwhelming pride in the person you had chosen to spend your life with. And hated them in the next second. You rode the roller coaster, stomach churning the whole time. But you rode. Every single step of the way, through every up and down, losing a little of this and gaining a little of that with every turn. But you rode, unconditionally, even when you doubted and questioned every step.

And then, somewhere on one of those loops, something moved. Slowly, you came to realize that it wasn't up to anyone but you how you felt at the end of every day. And your shoulders relaxed, just a little. You stopped holding your breath quite so long. Because for the first time in God only knows how long, you took it back. You realized that worrying and hurting really weren't changing anything but you, and that was on only one person... yup, you.

So, ever so quietly, you found yourself looking for those pieces you had all but abandoned. And slowly, you are finding them, finding your way. It's a lot of two steps forward, three back, but you've come far enough to know that anything worth having is something you have to work for. And you're working, with and around everyone you know.

Your stomach is still churning, your hands still shaky. But the ride is different now. You are different. And you no longer clutch the rails, eyes clamped shut. You've realized it's a lot more fun with your eyes wide open, and your arms in the air, headfirst into the next adventure.

Ahhh 2009

I spent a little time last night and this morning reading over the past year or so on my blog. It amazes me to see the difference a year makes. Going into 2009, I felt so many things that I'm struggling with as we head into 2010.

I think I spend a lot of time worrying what to write, for a blog, a status, etc... when I should just be writing. For me. If I never post it anywhere, I'll have it to look back on someday and hopefully think “Wow, you've come a long way since then... but what a ride huh?”

I don't want to do a wrap up of 2009. I have no intention of doing that. Talk about the year, the roads taken and not, sure. But there's no way to even begin to try and wrap up anything about the past year. How do you wrap up a year that seems to have wanted nothing more than to test every single thing in your life? Every move, every thought, every feeling. 2009 can bite it, ok? I'm not wrapping him up, I'm not delivering him anywhere with a shiny bow or a smile on my face.

I have never known, until now, just how much you tell yourself that you shouldn't think or feel a certain way. That you should always feel and think kindly, openly. Yeah, it would be amazing if it worked that way. But it doesn't. You may not want to feel something... guess what? You do anyway, regardless of what “should” or “shouldn't” thinks, and all you end up doing? Is feeling a hundred times worse for having an emotion in the first place. How could I think such a thing, feel this way... Because we're human beings, flawed and imperfect. Selfish and fearful. That doesn't make bad people- it makes people people.

I had thought I was done with these feelings, done with questioning, wondering... Is everything a test? EVERYTHING? When do I get a pass? When do the tests get easier, the answers come faster? Why is there always such struggle and hurt with these tests? Because you have to face the monsters in the closet someday. You have to learn who you really are, under all the walls and fears, the anger, the joy... who are you? Where is your strength? How far are you willing to go to find the way, find yourself? What will all of this crap teach you? What won't it teach you is the question.

I get that life isn't a destination, and that we are constantly learning and changing. We have to accept and move on, adapt and change with the rest of the world.. but we don't have to do it immediately, without protest, without wondering just what the point is.

The point is to find your balance. Yours. Not his, hers, anyone else's. Just yours. Find that, and the rest will seem a little easier. Just a little. At the end of the day, you have to make peace with yourself before you can with anyone else. And you have to accept that you aren't always going to be the person you want to be, with all the perfect responses that you “should” have. It just doesn't work that way. We don't work that way, and really? How boring would it be if we all had the same response to everything, the perfect answer to all of these questions, a 100% on every test? You wouldn't learn nearly as much... and you sure wouldn't have as much fun.

Do I always look at the woman in the mirror and find that contentment? Not by a long shot. But I think she's ok, most of the time. And I know her heart, those pieces she doesn't share with anyone but herself, and that I find peace with. Because only I know what's really in there, underneath all I say and do, all I show to the world. And that heart is a good one, albeit a cautious, sometimes cynical one. That heart has carried me through a lot of things, has broken a thousand times, and has loved beyond anything I ever imagined. That's an accomplishment.

I don't know what the next year will bring. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I wish sometimes that I did. It would make life a lot easier. But, life isn't made to be easy, is it? Life is about risking and searching. Learning, falling, and getting up again, each scar a sign of something you have come through, something may have knocked the wind out of you, but in the end, you did get up. Maybe a little less confident, maybe a little more jaded- but you got up. Sometimes that alone is the lesson- that you can get up again. You can brush yourself off, pick up the pieces, and rearrange them to make something different. And who knows? That something different may turn out to be what was supposed to be, all along.

Stories

So, I'm sitting here with an open Word document, and somehow, the words are flying. There's a fresh pot of coffee in the kitchen, and at the moment, it seems that I could type for hours. I suddenly have so much to say, and it just won't stay hidden anymore.

I have to admit, hearing the sounds my fingers are making, flying over the keys with no hesitation (and hopefully very few typos), I feel such a sense of relief. Writing, good writing, clear writing, has been impossible for so long... it's like finally scratching that awful itch you can never quite get to. But, one day, your angle is just... right... and then... ahhhhh. Finally.

Sometimes, when you least expect it, there is a light that shines in your direction, when the road is dark and you feel that no matter where you turn, which direction you choose, it isn't the right one. There is always a choice, sometimes you are simply so blinded by all you're dealing with, thinking, feeling...it just seems there are no more choices. But then there's a word, a song, a paragraph, a voice. The the lights come on, sometimes slowly, sometimes all at once, and you think “Yes! There it is! How did you know?”

This year has been a very long one for me and those I love, in as many different ways as you could possibly think of. There have been amazingly great times, and amazingly awful ones- very little this year has made middle of the road. I kept waiting for it to, but it never quite found that stride. And in wanting it so badly, I lost mine too.

I've been fumbling for a long time, wondering, waiting, searching without any idea where I was supposed to be going. I know it's somewhere special, I know there is something I'm supposed to be doing, and this year, for the first time, I think I truly lost sight of what it had always been. Writing has been my lifesaver for as long as I can remember, and yet, I could barely string two sentences together. I think that took something from me, and finding it again was something I had to fight for. I've worked so hard to keep it all together that it all just... sort of fell apart.

I have to let go, of so many things, and doing that has been an uphill battle. But it has to go- all of it, the excess baggage standing there in the corner, weighing me down and keeping me from truly taking a step forward and getting on with the business of making a life worth retelling someday. Because if that isn't what I'm doing, every day, then what am I doing here?

Where is it coming from, this clarity? From a voice, of course. A paragraph, a phrase. A new blog that has touched me on a lot of levels and given me some insight that is long overdue.I'm Listening is more than just my mother in law's blog :). She has a voice and a way with words that reach pretty deep. Be sure and give her a read- you won't be disappointed.

I'm not going to promise to be back soon, or talk much about the coming year. I'm just going to do. I'm tired of talking about what I'm going to do, or want to do, or need to do. I want to talk about what I'm doing, what I've done, what's actually going on, and not going to be.

I want to tell you stories, fiction and non. But more than that? I want to listen to my children tell the stories someday, and be able to truly cherish what they are saying, what they remember, what I remember. Because a the end of the day, it isn't about the happy ending. It's all about the story.

Um.... Yeah....

Since it may be awhile before I post something even remotely interesting, and even longer before I post any actual "writing", I send you all to this creative writing post I did ages ago. Like I said then, the story itself had nothing to do with the article posted, or anything even remotely in common with the actual events. The rest of the explanation was almost 100% true. I DO have a manuscript in 8th grade handwriting that resembles this piece. I DID (and DO) have a friend named Teresa Kawa and that bet did exist. But, stories change. People change. And this entry will never cease to bring me to tears. For every reason.

Uhhh.. What?

I turned thirty-one last Tuesday. I can't complain, I had a good b-day, and September has, so far, been a good month. The kids are flourishing in school, Miss T is enjoying being the sole attention getter during the day, and aside from the allergies that roll around every year, we're all in top form.

I can't complain, like I said. And yet... I'm sitting here, enjoying some (rare!!) quiet, and trying to prepare myself for the coming weeks. I think it's going to be interesting, these changes and emotions, and as soon as I'm wrapping my head around them, around this situation, there is always something else to wrap my head around. Such is life, right? But sometimes, I don't want to have something to wrap my head around, something to think about, anything to wonder about other than what I'm making for dinner, if the kids are having a good day, and whether that load of laundry will pick today to fold itself. I don't want to be the worrier, the analyzer, the one always planning eight steps ahead for whatever may or may not happen on any given day. I HATE that about myself, you know?

And there's a part of me that isn't that person. A part of me that doesn't have those worries, that rolls with it, laughs it off and enjoys the day. I like that part, I miss it when I can't find it. And I haven't lost it, misplaced it or had it hidden away as I think it has been in the past. I just had to be the grown up, and that pushed some of the easiness aside. Aaaand, I'm analyzing again. But, I doubt that's soemthing I can ever stop- my mind has a mind of its own, LOL, and it likes to work. And work, and work... you get the idea.

Life has been good, though. It really, really has. Am I worried that will change? Sure. Absolutely. I keep telling myself there's nothing I can't handle, and then I realize what that really says. I keep reminding myself things happen for a reason, and then I ask myself what the hell could it be??? I tell myself there are lessons, and tests, and think oh holy shit, am I going to pass? Fail? And how will I know which is which?? Loaded questions, all. And they have been for awhile- again, that's nothing new. But, it sure feels it all of a sudden.

Like I said- life has been good. I can't complain. Everyone is healthy, we have all been happy, and making plans for holidays, from layways to food and festivities. We've been doing more than surviving.. we have all been thriving. Together.

But today? Today I'm sitting here staring into space, thinking a million lost thoughts..... and oh my God, I want to scream...

School Daze :)

Yesterday was the first day of school here at Casa Diva. 4th grade for Miss Lyss, 1st for Jake. She, of course, was beyond thrilled to be going back- school is one of her favorite things on the planet. Where she gets it? No idea! LOL He was reluctant, and after last year, who can really blame him. But, we were positive and encouraging, preparing him for the changes in advance, and we made it into the building with him all smiles.

This year marked the year of Jonas in our house, in the form of backpack, lunchbox, T-shirt, notebooks and jewelry. I admit, I rolled my eyes, but as a protest formed on my lips, memories of a neon orange lunchbox, as well as a hot pink and turquoise backpack flashed before my eyes. I shut my mouth and watched her get that look-you know the one- and had to grin. If she's lucky, she'll grin like that about those boys in 20 years.

Jake went SpongeBob.. again. He's reliable with it, at least-he has had a SpongeBob backpack every single year. But he likes it, and who needs an argument over that? It makes him happy, it makes us happy. And he's always eager to show off the new one. LOL

We got a note today that Jake is in the first grade regular class FULL TIME! That is HUGE, and something I had expected to happen later in the year, or maybe when pigs flew, to be perfectly honest. LOL But it marks a change, in the way he is seen and the attention that is paid. And? Not only is he in the regular class full time, he is in the class with the kids who are further along academically. That proves something to me- what he's capable of really isn't being ignored. Huge, huge steps. Both kids are happy and enjoying school, so far, and are excited about the things they're going to be doing this year. Major bonus, and something to give me a little room to take that deep breath I'm not finding these days.

Everything else... is still everything else. I wish I knew what to think, say, feel... I wish it were different, had been different, in a lot of ways. I always have. But it wasn't, it isn't, and it's very hard for someone like me to wrap my head around things happening as they are. Is it the right thing? Objectively, I can say absolutely. As a mom, a wife, a woman, complete with all those emotions... I honestly don't know. I have a lot of things on my mind, and I don't trust a lot of my feelings, or anyone elses'. No one is 100% selfless. No one in this particular situation is 100% open. And I don't say that with malice, I say that with my own hesitation and an understanding of everyone elses' involved. But I also know that everything happens for a reason, and we are not in control, we are not the ones with the real plans. So, I may not put my trust in anyone else, but I'm laying it at His doorstep and saying, ok. I get it. I've asked for guidance, for signs, and I have to trust what I've gotten back. It really isn't about me. It's about being the person I'm needed to be, for my husband, my children, and the others involved.

Sorry it's been so long, but my head has really been elsewhere lately. Lots happening, lots going to happen, and not much I can say without the veiled crap I have to work with right now. LOL Add to it, the PC crashed and I'm on J's laptop-which i HATE, btw- until further notice. But, I'm going to hang around this time I think. At least for a minute ;)

How was back to school Internet? How's things?

Unsinkable Ships

I had a conversation this evening that I wish, now, I'd had ages ago. But like everything else, maybe it just wasn't time before. Maybe I needed, personally, to have the emotions I did and the thoughts that I did so that when everything started to unravel, or come together- it's all in how you see it, and some situations are both- it would all happen at the same time, piece by piece.

It's odd to think how one choice can change so many things, have an effect on so many things. And how, after awhile, you almost forget not to think of it. Or how when something major happens, the picture shifts just slightly, and you say ahh... ok... I get it.

There is a reason for everything. I have always said it, and while we may never fully understand the reasons, we will come out of it better people, if we just pay attention, listen and do the right thing. Even the things that seem impossible to hurdle- it happens when it should.

My house is calm. Like, for the first time we aren't holding our breath. I know it's confusing, but I can't explain things any other way right now. We are doing the right things, and we are seeing each other differently I think, or seeing what we used to maybe? Either way, like the negative, a positive vibe has a trickle effect. And while I'm a little unnerved by some of the details of life right now, it can't put a dent in it.

This is about us. All of us. This is the right thing. There is no choice but to do the right thing, no matter what... it's just getting to that point and no longer caring what other people may think, say or do to ruin it, stop it, stall it, or whatever. People are going to do what they choose- it's all in your reaction to them. That, at the end of the day, proves the kind of person you truly are.

This? Is about me. Is about my kids, my husband, my family. Our family. And you know what? It's long, long overdue.

Summer Fling

Hey there Internet! How's the summer been treatin' ya? How was your 4th? And wow, you look so tan! And your hair.. don't tell me, but I know you've done something different with it... lookin' good, Internet, lookin' good!

Summer has been a madhouse over here at Casa Diva. My blogging is almost non existent, and it crosses my mind at like, two in the morning, in an "oh, dammit, I didn't blog again..." sort of way. But there's not been a second to get down to it, really. From sun up to sundown, we are on the go. We're outside, we're running around... there's always something. I have maybe half an hour to update my Facebook or Twitter, and that's usually sporadic too.

I did want to take a minute, even though it's all over the blogosphere, all over the internet and media everywhere, to mention the odd amount of deaths in the last few weeks. Actors, musicians, athletes, TV personalities, all gone within what.. less than two weeks? Amazing. Sad, stunning and in some cases, almost earth shattering for some. It's been a very odd time, and more than once I've been almost afraid to check the news. Let's hope all are allowed to rest in peace, and that the families and loved ones of those gone will have the privacy to grieve that they deserve.

The summer so far has been a good one. Taylor is enjoying playing out more, and running around like crazy. She's starting to say a LOT, and still babbling that baby speak I think is too cute. I'm so not ready for her to grow up yet. She's at a good age right now. She's mimicking her sister, playing dolls with her, brushing each others hair.. just a lot of sweet little things that I hope they will continue to do. They definitely have a bond, whicxh I'm glad for. I worried that their age difference would make it hard for them to be close... was I ever wrong about that! They are inseprable. Alyssa has been teaching her to color, to play babies.. all the things I taught her to do, she's passing on to Taylor. And Taylor loves having a big playmate to boss around, LOL. She is, however, going to hit those Terrible Two's with a vengeance I think. She's starting to throw those little tantrums, when she's frustrated or not getting her way. Which I think is funny.. which really, REALLY pisses her off. I'm good like that.

Jake is still more of a loner, but he's been slowly opening up and being less timid in social situations. We survived a cookout with almost no meltdowns, and even then just a small one. All marks in the plus column. He's still developing his skills in the kitchen, and I'm telling you, the boy has a knack for it. He still wants to watch Emeril, and wants to someday own a restaurant of his own and cook on TV. He just loves it, and it is one of the few things that keeps his focus for an extended period of time. He loves food- cooking, shoppiong or eating. He just absolutely loves food. And I'm encouraging that with all I have. If I could get him to let me record him, I'd definitely share it with all of you. He's awesome in the kitchen!

Lyss is in a creative phase. Cutting, drawing, making dresses and dolls, adding flowers and fabrics. She's making an entire paper doll villiage right now, and then will probably move on to decorating her room with collages of things she's drawing or getting from old magazines. It shouldn't shock me, I guess, because J and I both have very wide creative streaks. So having creative kids isn't too shocking- it's watching how it shows itself that's pretty cool. The intense, all out way Lyss sets out with these extravagant projects that take days, even a week or more.. She's got ten times the patience I do, that's for sure! She loves to do this stuff though, and I never had the skill for it, LOL. I can't cut a straight line, let alone doll bodies and houses, clothing and accessories. And I've shamelessly gotten her addicted to watching The Young and the Restless with me. I watched it with my mother some when I was growing up, and the characters are like coming home, in a lot of ways. She loves it and looks forward to sitting down and watching it off the DVR in the evenings. Heehee. She yells at the TV just like I do, LOL. It's funny to see her as shocked or angered as an adult over these things.

Speaking of Y & R... Phillip is alive! In Genoa City! He showed up at the 4th of July bbq at Katherine's place and stunned her, Jill, Nina and everyone else. Including me! LOL Anyone else out there watching?? What do you guys think of all the wacko storylines, bringning back old characters, or about the whole Sharon baby daddy thing? Yeah, I get into it.. I've known these stories almost my entire life- I was watching when Nicholas Newman was born, lol. And then suddenly became older than me... and yet, sort of my age... Gotta love aging the kids in Soap Land..

Anyway, that's my summer so far. Kiddos and sunshine, an occasional get together, hanging out in the yard with friends and just soaking it up. And of course, a trip to Genoa City at the end of the day.... What about you? Tell me about your summer?

Unleashed

**Warning** This may not be PG. This may not be PC. This may cause me to lose readers, gain readers, or cause nothing at all. This is what I've been talking about- the start of something different.

I'm sitting here with a glass of wine (**gasp**, she drinks!!) contemplating things that you can't even imagine, Internet. The carpets are shampooed, the kids are fed and bathed, the cats are sleeping, playing... you get the drift. My shit is together, right now. And yet... it isn't.

I've been thinking a lot about compassion, tolerance, acceptance, etc., the last few weeks. As the parent of a child with special needs (for you newbies, my 7 year old son has autism, and Early Onset Bipolar Disorder) you come across a LOT of ignorance, intolerance and outright cruelty. It's almost expected with other kids- kids can be mean, especially when another child is different. When it's NOT a kid is when I have a problem. Ignorance breeds ignorance, and unfortunately, there is a lot of that where we are. Blame lack of education (look it up), misinformation (ask me) or fear (it's not contagious, asshole)- but it's still wrong. My son has been called "a crazy", "goofy", "dippy" and more words that I can't even bear to put down here. By adults. That have children. Who live in my neighborhood. Where is the compassion?

I have a friend who was in a severe car accident on her way to work as a nurse in an assisted living facility. There was over $10,000 worth of damage to her vehicle (she was hit by a large truck). She was treated for cervical strain, given medications and follow up visits, and could barely move her neck arms or back for a week. She was fired for missing work- on the day of the accident. The company is now fighting unemployment. After firing her, causing her to lose her insurance and adding stress to an already devastating situation. She is a single woman raising a toddler. Who does such a thing? Where is the compassion?

When did we stop thinking outside ourselves? When did it become so "me, me MEEEE" that it's impossible to look at another human being-even a stranger- and realize that unless we live in their homes, walk in their shoes, and deal with their issues every single day, we have no idea what we're talking about, or doing, when we point our self righteous fingers and call ourselves "better"? No one is better. No one. We all got here the same way, and we will all make the same exit. Who we are inside is what counts-that's where your beauty lies- and I've seen a lot of ugly people lately, when it comes to having the heart to take a minute and just be kind. Or decent. Or even humane.

I'm not innocent here, either. I've been judgmental, I've been hateful... we all are at times. We're human. But it astounds me the lack of genuine compassion that there is anymore. We're so busy, so focused on ourselves that we don't look left or right to lend even a smile when someone is down. And that Internet? Sucks.

That sort of thinking leads me down some roads I didn't plan on taking. Confused? Join the club. I want to make a difference, I want to see change... and those things start at home. I'm getting my house in order, taking stock of choices, chances and changes. Some need to be made. Not on a whim, not for a minute... some need to be made. Starting with me. I need to look outside myself, my fears, wants, needs... some things cannot be about me. No matter how I want them to, they just can't.

I want my kids to be compassionate, respectful, and open to everything. I want them to see the world as an adventure- I want them to be excited to learn new things, meet new people, and to see "different" as something special. I want them to accept responsibillity for their actions, and to realize they can't conrtol anything but themselves. I don't want them to see labels, ever. I don't want them believing for a second that they're better than anyone- or that someone is strange because of belief, race, or who they love. Acceptance. We really are one world... why can't we teach our kids that? Different makes it interesting.

I know. A lot of rambling thoughts that may not really mesh, but they do, for me. And I hope in some ways they do for you. Who are we to say anything about anyone else? We all have our skeletons, our vices, and our pasts. Today. Today is what matters. We can't change what has been, but it's on us what will be.

Now, the question is- which way do you want to go?

Beautiful

I've got a song for ya. I have a passion for music, especially lyrics. Grab me, pull me in, make me think. Make me RELATE. I want to hear something and say- yes, I've been there, absolutely. This week, it happened in a big way. I think that this is one of the best songs I've ever heard. I don't think anyone could hear it without it hitting home. It's deep... but it has the attitude I can't seem to get enough of.

People are judgmental. Believe me, I am too. It's so easy to look at others and think what we'd do in their shoes... the things they do that we "never would". The opportunities they do or don't have and don't "do it right"... like we would. Thing is, you don't know how you would do, say, react, live... until you are in someone else's shoes, in their hearts and minds you have no clue what makes them tick. Or why they are on the paths they are. You can think you know it all day long... but you just don't. And no one knows it about you, either. We all make choices that people judge us for. We are all under a microscope at some point. So think about it next time you want to gossip, speculate or whatever else- how do you know? Really?

This video DOES have some profanity, so you may want to grab some headphones! :)

School's (Almost) Out For Summer!

Alyssa announced somewhat gleefully to me the other day that there are around 11-12 school days left until they are out for the summer. I'm already in summer mode, so I'm ready. We're going to be busy, that's my goal. We're going to have many adventures, this summer, and crash out at night happy about the day and excited for the next. We're going to get sunburnt and tan, drink Kool-Aid and eat cold fruit salads and sandwiches. We're all going to run barefoot and just enjoy every moment of it. I LOVE summer. Until August. By then we're all too hot, too tired, and ready to get back to school. But until then, it's party time!

I have a couple recipes up at my other blog. I'm having fun with it, looking through old recipes, finding new ones, tweaking things. I may head into more summer friendly recipes, but right now I'm adding some of the favorites and regulars here at our house. Keep a lookout, you may find something you like!

The IEP meeting for Jake's next school year was yesterday, and I feel better about things than I did. He has been placed in the first grade, and the over all goal for the school year is permanent placement in a "regular" classroom for second grade. His teachers and therapists seem on the same page as I am, and really, that's all that matters to me. That we are his team, working toward the same goals. I don't want to feel as if I'm the enemy because I want what is best for my child. But, I'll play that role if I absolutely have to, know what I'm sayin? Either way- I'm confident and content with it. And plan on trying NOT to worry about it over the summer!

What are your summer plans? I have a couple things up my sleeve.... do you?

And Then, Her Head Exploded

I sometimes sit back and listen to the kids talk, and wonder how it's possible for things to change so much in, what seems to me, so little time. And then I wonder- has it changed that much, or are you just seeing it that way because you're the parent now, and the things you know are a lot different that the things you knew when you were their age? Personally, I think it's a little of both. Times have changed, definitely, but now it's my time to worry and wonder, to plan and prepare so they're happy, healthy, safe... because they won't worry about those things. At least, they shouldn't.

I do think I'm more open with mine, in a lot of ways, than my mother was with me. Nothing is taboo, they can ask me anything, and ooooh, do they. LOL And honestly? I'd rather be the one answering with age appropriate responses than have the kid at school, or on the bus, or down the street, explaining things that are either extremely inaccurate, or right on, but REALLY inappropriate and scary (to me, LOL).

We covered the first "boyfriend" issue when Alyssa announced she was dating someone. And of course, dramatically broke up a couple days later. I love it, though... dating? Really? You're nine. But I remember how serious it was for me at that age... because everything is SO over the top make or break at that age. It's all drama, all the time, raising a girl, it seems. I don't remember being so... moody? Mouthy? Know it all? In charge? Secure? In touch with exactly who I was and how it would be? I admire her so much, when I'm not wanting to tape her mouth shut. :) We're growing in a new direction, my girl and I. She's gotten to a stage, already, where you can watch what she does and just see, so clearly, the woman she's going to be. And oh, man, what a woman she'll be. Strong, smart, independent, and ... every single thing I'm not, combined with some of the best of who I am. She takes no shit, and can give it back twice as hard. She has her course charted without even realizing, without even trying. She's NINE. It's humbling, to think that somehow, some way, she's become this wonderful person, in part because of me. And I'm thankful that Taylor has such an absolutely amazing sister to look up to and learn from. And even more so that their bond is already beyond unbreakable.

At the same time, I'm also getting the idea of the teenage years. Um, no thanks? Can we pass on it, because oh my God she's a terror already when she wants to be. She's stubborn and snappy, already has "oh my GOD!", eye rolls, sighing, stomping and slamming aced, and we haven't even touched on the want of the coveted cell phone. No, no and again, after almost six months of hounding, NO. I'm not one of those moms who thinks every kid needs a cell phone. If she walked to or from school, if she did any activity that I wasn't either at with her, or didn't give MY number to any and all people in charge? Yes. If she had a condition, if she was home alone, if I worked... there are a million good reasons for some kids to have cell phones. Mine does not have a good reason, other than "I want one."

I think they want too much too soon, which is typical, and I'm glad for it. But, being the adult, I now understand that they want too much without knowing or comprehending the dangers that can come with having it all too soon. Because not everyone is a good person. Not everything is safe to do. Not everything is as easy as you think. And some of that will come slowly, with time, while some of it will hit like a freight train, and as much as I want to shield them, I can't. Not from all of it. But, it will make them, shape them, change them... and they'll need that, too, whether they believe it or not.

Speaking of "need"? Remember the pregnant cat I posted about? Yeah. She stopped coming around for awhile, and then came back around, no longer pregnant. I assumed she'd had the babies, and was hiding them somewhere, and didn't shoo her from the food we keep on the porches (our cats go and and out, so there is always food/water available). I figured she'd need the nourishment to feed the kittens, had they survived.

They did. As far as I know, she had 3 or 4. Two of them? Are now residing in Taylor's old playpen, in dining/kitchen area. I know, I KNOW, believe me I know. But what can you do? They fit in the palm of my hand, were sitting out there, and meowed soooo pitifully. And I'm a sucker. They're the oddest color combos, too- black, gray, reddish tiger striped with one obviousy leaning toward calico. Adorable. And I'm a sucker. :) One of them has little white paws (Lyss named her Kali- short for "calico" but different,LOL) and is timid and follows the other one's lead. The other one... is bad. And of course, the one I like best. LOL But, they are both healthy and playful, eating solids, surprisingly, and shunning milk or mushy food. And I? Am a sucker.

It's time to gear up for another IEP meeting. I don't even really have anything for you on this right now only it's almost that time again, and my wants for him still stand firm. He needs to be challenged, to know there are consequences for every action, and you need to choose those actions wisely, and he needs to be with children his own age. Why? Because Jake imitates. He mimics the children around him a LOT, and if he is with his peers, his age group, he will fall in line with what they're doing, how they interact and play. If he is with a special ed group of kids varying in age, he'll mimc their behaviors. That's not a positive, and it regresses him, behaviorally and academically. He needs integrated. Period.

Taylor is talking. Sort of. She's now saying "kitty" and "car", "yeah", "yay" and "hey"- which is usually said like this "heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey!" at the top of her lungs. All these words in a span of three days! To add to the rest of her vocabulary. She has also realized that Mom means business and Dad will usually let her get away with just about everything. Typical. She's growing so FAST. Still cutting teeth, but now wearing ponytails and getting bruises and scrapes on her knees and making me gasp a hundred times a day- in fear, usually, as she attempts a stunt that I just KNOW will injure her. LOL

There's not much else happening, just a lot of watching them grow and wondering what's up ahead. It's comforting, seeing them making good choices and growing with a firm sense of who they are and what they're made of. But it's also comforting when I'm the one they still come to for the hurts, the curiosity and everything in between. I hope that never changes. That is something, maybe the one thing, worth anything else.

Blerrrgh

Long time no see.. again. I know. It's been awhile since I really felt like I had much to say, and it seems like the hours in a day are becoming less and less. The kids have less than 40 days left of school, and honestly, I'm relieved. Then maybe we can relax, have more time, maybe even have some fun. Between school, holidays and this weather being so back and forth, it feels like all any of us have been doing is putting in time and wondering where the day went.

Alyssa has her state testing coming up, for Math and Reading, so we've been trying to do a little here and there to ease the panic she's feeling about that. I think they pressure these kids way too much at a young age- I remember taking these tests every year and not really being too concerned over them. But, I also don't remember feeling like I'd be a total failure if I didn't do well... and I think that how kids do on these particular tests is different than how they do in school, or on the regular tests and quizzes they have on the stuff they're learning daily. Every kid develops at his or her own pace, they learn differently, retain information differently.... and some kids put themselves under a lot of pressure to do it all "right", and end up doing poorly because they were so worried about just that. So, there's been a lot of talking, of going over the state guides, and just reassuring her that she passed in the fall, she'll pass again.

I'm getting prepared for the end of year IEP for Jake, that will get things set up for next year. I have no idea what that will bring, because I don't feel we've worked as much of a team to meet the goals we set for him. They set the bar low for him... and to me, that gives him an excuse not to try, not to push himself. Set the bar high and we will find his strengths and weaknesses that way. I'm not saying he won't have limitations, because everyone has something they don't excel at, or they struggle with. The key is letting him find it, and giving him the tools to be determined to push himself. If it's so easy he never struggles, he will have no clue how to handle it when something is too hard, you know?

Easter was good. Lots of plastic eggs, LOL, lots of candy. The Bunny did good this year, and the kids had a great day. I managed to come down with some monster cold and have been sick for over a week now... I haven't felt this miserable in a long, long time. It started as a cold and cough and now we've progressed to aches and fever, chills and all that fun stuff. I just can't shake it and it's driving me nuts! I hate being sick, I hate taking medicines, and I hate waiting for it to g away. I'm a bad patient, but I also just don't have time to feel so lousy and still keep motivated. But I managed to keep the worst at bay until after the holiday, which I'm glad for. Now I'm just praying no one else comes down with it! I'd rather be sick than have the kids down with it.

Not much else has been going on. I've been hibernating a lot, spending a lot of time with the kiddos and planning for summer and for the next school year. I've had a case of the "blahs", which could have been this bug coming on, or could have been the dreary weather, who knows? I need the sun, that's for sure! And I haven't gotten to see a lot of it lately- April showers and all that fun stuff. :)

I hope all of you had a terrific holiday, spring break, however you celebrate it. And I hope everyone's healthy and enjoying a little bit of the spring weather, if you can!

I Was Gone For a Minute....

Hey there Internet! Long time no see, right? Life has taken over here at Casa Diva, and by the time I can sit down to blog, it's usually close to midnight, and I'm too tired to think of anything to say. Or make sense of what I could say.

We're covered in snow right now, with more coming down. The kids return to school was short lived- they've had two snow days already with more on the way, I'm assuming. Jake caught a bug that had him soaking in a temp bath at midnight Thursday night, with me coaxing Tylenol and cold drink into him to get his temperature down from 103. That always scares me, when they have high fevers like that. for the most part, they don't. We're lucky that way; we barely ever see much higher than an occasional 101. But I'm paranoid when any of them get sick- Lyss has a not so happy history with tonsillitis, and Jake with upper respiratory infections, and pneumonia.

She had strep-tonsillitis frequently throughout preschool, kindergarten and first grade, and man that is miserable stuff. Antibiotics, steroids (the right side of her throat and neck would swell like she had swallowed a baseball), and a kid so miserable and in pain that getting a drink in her was like torturing her. The last time she had it, she lay on the couch and just sobbed. It was the most awful thing.

He's had pneumonia twice.. and I watch them all like hawks when they get the hint of a sniffle. I've relaxed enough now that a sore throat for her doesn't have me mentally preparing for a midnight trip to the ER, and a head cold for him doesn't have me plotting a strategy to force him to take his antibiotics. But I watch. They usually hate me when they're sick; I'm at them all the time with drinks, Popsicles, and anything I can think of to keep them hydrated.

The snow has made things insane, though. The grocery store is constantly restocking, people are everywhere (you know, you need seven hundred rolls of toilet paper and all the milk you can shove into your cart, just in case... not to mention every single scented candle in Walmart....) We've had ice, then rain, then a "wintry mix"- all of which froze under the first thin layer of snow. Then melted a little during the day... and then froze again during the night. Repeat as necessary for days, and there you have it. Now the snow is pouring down, and I'm sensing either early dismissal or this being a one day back to school before a day or more off again.

Snow days right after a two week vacation? Makes kids cranky. And sick of being in the house. And with each other. And unable to speak without a whine in their voice, or a shriek when telling you, again, that their sibling has, again, looked at/touched/spoken to/walked past/sat next to/breathed on/smiled at/insert any and every single complaint humanly possible that will make one want to scream and yank their hair out here. And me? I'm all, "if you tell me one more thing? I'm going to pay him/her to look at you. For hours."

So.... yeah. By the time Iget five minutes to breath, I want to do it in a hot bathtub, or curled in a comfy chair with a blanket and a book. Or shaking and rocking in a corner, praying for Spring and no more snow days..... But, ya know, whatever.....

What's the weather like in your neck of the woods?

Let's Pretend This is a Catchy title, 'k? Thanks

Well, the Christmas play was canceled last night. Due to bad weather we did not get. Yeah. It started snowing, we had an advisory out, all that hoopla. Freezing rain, sleet, icy roads, blah blah blah. So it started snowing, they immediately rescheduled the program... and it stopped snowing. We didn't get the ice, the sleet, the bad shit. Basically, it was canceled for nothing. J took last night off work to see the program, and can't get another night off, so now he can't go. I hate shit like that- it means a lot to have us both there for that sort of thing. Especially since we DIDN'T GET BAD WEATHER. Have I mentioned before that we live in a very small place where the district panics and does dumb shit where snow is concerned? Among other dumb shit things? No? Never? Hmm...

But, don't fret! This isn't a complete bitch fest. The program can be recorded, pictures can be taken, and Lyss is more understanding about rescheduling than the adults. She's just glad they get to finish school this week. And that they rescheduled the play, and didn't just cancel it altogether. She's an optimist, what can I say?

Now, me? I'm not really either or. I'm in the middle somewhere. Good things happen, bad things happen, you just have to take them all and make something out of it. If you don't, then it's your own fault you're miserable. am i miserable? Uh, no. Right now, I'm pretty happy.

Why, you might ask? (some of you know what's coming, I'm sure. Brace yourselves.) This morning was rainy, dreary, bleeech. It was chilly, I was cranky- mainly because Taylor is STILL cutting teeth, and that makes her, like I've said, so pleasant! So I finally find some quiet (aka older kids off to school, Taylor tearing up the living rom with her toys), and get a chance to check out my trusty Internet. What did I find, you may ask (or be laughing your ass off right now)? What did I see?

2008 was, apparently, not enough for these guys. Oh, no- 2009 is bringing about another tour. March- July, from what I understand. No dates as of right now, but I'm sure those are coming soon. and me? Ms. I'm So Happy To See 1 Show that's All I Want...... has become Ms. I'm SO Doing This Again! With my friends this time, though. Because while the show itself was amazing, the rest of the trip was not something I'm interested in repeating. I'm thirty, not ten- at least in public places.

But, I'm excited (again) to catch a chance to do this again (again, LOL) and do a few things different. Maybe I'll get lucky and they'll come closer this time (Columbus, anyone? Hello? Maybe?) and it will be a little easier to get there. Or maybe they won't come through this way at all-who knows? either way, it's still kind of fun that it's happening again. Just.. kind of. Heh. Because I really didn't do a happy dance at my desk this morning. Nope.... not me........

Pretty Paper....

I watch my kids watching me prepare for Christmas. Alyssa, especially, is taking it all in, soaking it up, mentally filing the things we do away in her memory, so she can someday incorporate these family traditions into her own family. They are all still young enough for Santa, reindeer and cookies, but I have a small ache in my heart at thinking this could be the last year Alyssa believes. She asked me about Santa, earlier in the week. My response was to ask her what she thought. She answered that she still believes in her heart, and that makes him real enough for her. She's a smart one, my oldest girl. Because it's true.

Santa is magic and cookies and anticipation.. and more magic. He's something that kept us awake, wriggling in excitement, hoping to catch a glimpse of Rudolph, or Blitzen, eating their carrots as Santa munched on cookies, putting everything we ever asked for under the Christmas tree. And, for me, Santa is as magical now as he was then. Maybe more so. I understand the thrill my parents got watching me on Christmas morning- watching my eyes widen, hearing me gasp or squeal in excitement. There's just nothing like it. Bottle it, sell it, you'd make a million, believe me. There is just nothing as good as kids on Christmas morning.

We've got our music, like I've said. And I've finally had my moment. I knew it was coming, I could feel it creeping up on me as I watched them, as I lit candles, decorated rooms, made lists of ingredients for cookies, fudge and the like. And when Willie Nelson's voice came through the speakers, singing to us about his pretty paper, his pretty ribbons of blue... I had to take a breath. Then another. Then let my kids see me cry. Because there are times they need to understand that sad is ok. And someday, a long time from now hopefully, they will feel the same- I miss my mom.

I can finally say it, and feel it, for the first time, really. Whether that makes me cold, indifferent, whatever, there it is. Because of the past, the way our relationship was, it's been hard to miss her. To let go of the negative things she instilled in me, all the things she did to my friends, my life... someday I'll tell you more about that. For now, we will just say she was not an easy woman to live with, deal with. I never felt close to her as I got older, I felt trapped by her. I was afraid of her. But this year, seeing all the kids, I guess I can find a common ground with her.

She loved me, I know that. It wasn't a healthy love,but it was there. She decorated the way she did for me, for making the memories we did. The ones that stick, the ones I've brought to my own family. The ones that are warm and comfy, easy to smile at.. and I guess now, easy to cry for.

I miss being that young, coming in from school and seeing the lights, the decorations, the tree. I miss sitting with my Dad on Christmas Eve and morning, opening gifts and laughing. I miss the innocence and wonder I see in my own childrens' eyes. And I'm thankful, for all those Christmases my parents made so memorable and so magical. for having that to pass down, no matter what else is happening in the world around us. For twinkling lights, cookies, carrots, and most of all, for all that pretty paper.

It's Not Different, Mmmkay?

We've covered a few bases here on music. By a few I mean a vague mention of the music we listen to around here, and then the few (several) posts about those Boston boys I have a little like for (yeah, yeah, it's a sickness, k? thanks) But we've never really talked about the fact that while I may have a slight obsession with those guys, I have a complete obsession for music. Always have.

I love music. I firmly believe music really is the soundtrack of life. I think I've mentioned that before, but it bears repeating. I can go back through all my memories and there's usually music revolving around every moment in my life. Certain songs bring certain things back, no matter where I am when i hear it, no matter what's going on. And that suits me.

I'm not a music snob- I like everything. I'm a lyrics girl at heart, though, for the most part, which explains my dislike for screaming metal- if I can't understand you, I'm not getting it. I love country music, especially Reba. I love a good love song, but i also like the ass kicking, I'm done with your crap stuff too. I'm a rap junkie, too. And yeah, I do like Eminem (it's had a bunch of hits, thanks so much) because angry stuff aside, these guys have something to say. I like when someone writes their own stuff and puts it out there. doesn't matter if it sells a million or five hundred- it's not written to make money. It's written by someone who has something to say.

So, I'm a music person. I love it, I have it on almost 24-7. That said, I'll plunge into the murky water where I may get some hate mail. But, it'll be worth it. Just to get it off my chest. Ready? Here we go:

I hate Britney Spears. It isn't because of her lifestyle, choices, mistakes, whatever- people have ups and downs, and I'm not here to judge. Plus, there are plenty of days where I'd like to beat the hell out of someone or something with an inanimate object. It's not her personally that irks me (but the way people sniff at her for every detail is a little old). It's because of the "music"... and sweet Jesus, I use that term very, very, VERY loosely.

Let's take stock- very pretty girl, in shape, sweet personality, just wants to be allowed to be herself without all the weird shit. Talented- she can dance, and her own voice isn't too bad- when we're allowed to hear it. All that shit they use for effect these days is annoying beyond belief. I don't want to hear some amped up/distorted/echo shit on someone's voice. I want to hear them. Maybe I'm getting old, but that's just weird to me. and a pain in the ass. But, especially with Britney, it's all worked over, all canned, tinny sounding. Fake, in other words. Using that shit makes it sound fake.

Then there's the annoying, icepick sound of the music in general. Her first album was cute, poppy and fun. Yeah, I had it. So sue me, k? It was a year of pop and I went a little crazy. But, it seemed each album became less about Britney singing and more about Britney NOT singing, and being half naked. Yeah yeah sex sells. But, hello? Britney is young. And back then, she was REALLY young. But, nevertheless, there she was with little left to the imagination. Dancing, lipsynching and all that shit.

Then there was a break, when she had her issues and went a little nuts. But now... now she's back. With Womanizer. Which I hear at least nine hundred times a day on various radio stations and on my XM channels. And then, I hear it in my head. It's repetitive. It's not like hearing a real voice at all... every time I hear it, I feel like I'm listening to a damn robot sing.

It's not good music. I don't care how much it sells, how much people are clamoring for it. It's almost like a circus of really bad shit. But, to each their own. You may love it, she may be just your cup of tea.. and that's great. Me? I don't get why people sell out like that. She's the proverbial dumb acting girl with her boobs hanging out hoping the big strong man will take care of it all. And then "singing" about it. Bleecccch.

So, nope, I don't think she's "different", or "fun", or "edgy". I think she's going to be sorry when her looks start going and she has nothing to fall back on. Look at the women singers today- they're gorgeous, sure. Great bodies, absolutely. But they can also sing. Without all the bells and whistles. Now that? THAT's where Britney is different.