Perfectly Imperfect

I've been on this journey lately. Well, I've always been on this journey, but now I am more aware of it, and more open to making it without the inhibitions or walls. I've slowly stopped checking what I say before I say it, stopped softening my opinions of thoughts based on who may or may not be offended. I always say I'm doing that.... Maybe I have been. But things have changed, I have changed. I'm adapting to this life I'm taking part in building and it seems to be opening doors I had kept closed for far too long.

I used to worry what people thought of me, my family. It used to bother me if it seemed someone was judging, looking down, or feeling smug. It doesn't anymore... know why? Because we all have our crap. Skeletons, secrets, things we've done, said, been, that we shouldn't have, or wish we hadn't.... Show me someone who doesn't. Seriously- show me one person who doesn't have at least one thing they aren't proud of.

But it isn't about that. It isn't about the facade, the game face. It's about being balls to the wall, and showing the world just who you are, no regrets, no apologies. And if they don't like it, don't like you... why are you wasting your time?

Here's the thing- we put the fun in dysfunction, this bunch and I. We play, fight and love the same way- at the top of our lungs. We are messy, moody, cluttered and happy. We laugh at each other, with each other. There is constant noise and chaos in this house, never a dull moment. We drive each other crazy. We get sick of one another, we get tired of doing just one more thing.... It's life. It's imperfect. There are cracks and seams, dustbunnies and dirt. It happens.

But, see that's what I'm talking about. That imperfection? Is the most amazing thing. We are so completely without pretense. We're one hundred percent real- blemishes and all. We've been through hell and back again for a hundred different things, but at the end of it all, there was always something that held it together. There was a glue, a permanence that comforted me at the same time that it drove me insane. I needed it even when all I wanted to do was get away from it.

I've spent so much time fighting the tide, pushing at the doors to keep them closed. I've been so consumed with being afraid, with being right, with putting everything in these little boxes with labels that I didn't even see it in front of me. This is it. This crazy, heartbreaking, awe inspiring stuff? This is life, this is the one time deal... And I'm done wasting it. I'm done thinking about what happened yesterday, six months ago, six years ago. It happened. I don't care anymore... I put up with a lot of shit. I gave a lot of it too.... but know what? If you put up with it then, shut up about it now. That's going to get you somewhere believe me. It's going to give you some peace.

What it comes down to, for me, is if I'm second guessing everything based on what people are going to say, then that's my problem. If they are judging or looking down, then I've surrounded myself with the wrong people. I don't think I have, I don't think they are. The more I open this door, the more I see how easy it really is to love and to be loved- just by letting the rest of it go.

Be happy. Be you, whoever that is. The people that truly love you are going to be right there with you, pulling for you. Pushing you to think, to feel, to find your way. Giving you the hard truths and the biggest laughs. Those are the things that matter when it's all said and done. The rest is just decoration.

Hello 2010 ::)

I said I wasn't going to write a “wrap up” of 2009, and I'm still not planning on it. This year has seemed... bigger than about twelve months, more than just about this year. Sounds odd, doesn't it? But it is the best way I can describe it.

2009 was the year of searching, looking back through several years, emotions, experiences and questions. And finding answers, even when we didn't want to, even when it seemed that the solutions were harder to handle than the issues. This was the hard one, the big one. This was the boogeyman, the unmentionables, the upside down. This was about digging through all the muck, dropping pride and defenses at the door, and wading in. This was the year that counted, the one that may not have rewritten the book, but it sure did change the chapters in front of us. And look- we are all still standing here. Our hair may be a little tousled, but we're all in one piece. In fact, if you look a little closer, there's just that much more light in our eyes.

Life isn't about being “right”. It really isn't, as much as we'd like it to be sometimes. It's not about being better than, having more. It's about just being better. Giving more, being more.... it's about being right with who you are, and the decisions you have made, the life you are building. And it's about admitting when you aren't right with those things, being big enough to recognize the changes in you that need made, and taking the steps to make them. That's a hard thing, I'll tell you right now. That's the hardest thing you will ever do, and you'll hate it.... but it's worth it to find some shred of light, of peace, at the end of the road.

I have learned a lot about the people in my life this year, about the people they are and why. That's where it is for me- the why. The who you are because of how you got here. It fascinates me, draws me in... and it gives you a different take on things. You have to walk in someone else's shoes for a minute sometimes, to stop judging and see things from the other sides. Yours is only part of the story, you know?

I know some amazing people. I really am blessed, and I've come to see that every person in my life brings something to the table, brings it all together in a complex and unique mosaic that I really wouldn't change for anything else. I hope I'm bringing that, too, adding to rather than taking from. I'm working on it.

I think that 2010 is going to be an amazing year, the beginning of a really interesting journey. I'm ready for that, I look forward to it. I'm not making any resolutions, I'm simply going to go with it, as much as my over analyzing mind can, anyway, and let life... just... happen. It's going to anyway, there's no point in not enjoying it. We waste so much time on what if's, maybes... We worry ourselves sick trying to plan for every single possibility, and we miss out on the whole purpose OF possibility. That means you can do anything, be anything... if you just get out of your own way, that is. .

2010 is going to be the Nothing is Impossible year. Hmmm... I guess I DID make a resolution after all, didn't I? Oh well... I guess anything can happen, can't it? ;)

We Wish You...

...a Merry, Merry Christmas from our house to yours! And... have a funky New Year! :)

Perspective

Have you ever just had one of those days where it feels as if time has slowed to almost a stand still and no matter what you do, you just can't get it to move any faster. You can't concentrate on reading, TV, music... You've cleaned, baked, put the kids to sleep. The evening just stretches before you, and all the things you complain about never getting to do? You don't want to do.

Because, suddenly, there's this openness that you keep stretching toward, this goal you are determined to reach, no matter who or what seems just as determined to keep you away from it. You are reaching out of your shell, out of your comfort zone... and out of everyone else's. Scary thing, that.

Somehow, there has been a shift. It's been coming and coming, the build up has been impossible to ignore. It wasn't a light at the end of a tunnel, it wasn't a welcoming hand. It was a shove into the deep end and a cheery “Swim or die.” It was almost a direct dare to persevere, overcome, walk out of the ashes with your head held high.

So you did. Sort of. You went unheard, felt unseen. You watched your opinion matter very little, and you quietly took stock. You observed, you paid attention. You hurt, you soared. You cried, you felt overwhelming pride in the person you had chosen to spend your life with. And hated them in the next second. You rode the roller coaster, stomach churning the whole time. But you rode. Every single step of the way, through every up and down, losing a little of this and gaining a little of that with every turn. But you rode, unconditionally, even when you doubted and questioned every step.

And then, somewhere on one of those loops, something moved. Slowly, you came to realize that it wasn't up to anyone but you how you felt at the end of every day. And your shoulders relaxed, just a little. You stopped holding your breath quite so long. Because for the first time in God only knows how long, you took it back. You realized that worrying and hurting really weren't changing anything but you, and that was on only one person... yup, you.

So, ever so quietly, you found yourself looking for those pieces you had all but abandoned. And slowly, you are finding them, finding your way. It's a lot of two steps forward, three back, but you've come far enough to know that anything worth having is something you have to work for. And you're working, with and around everyone you know.

Your stomach is still churning, your hands still shaky. But the ride is different now. You are different. And you no longer clutch the rails, eyes clamped shut. You've realized it's a lot more fun with your eyes wide open, and your arms in the air, headfirst into the next adventure.

Ahhh 2009

I spent a little time last night and this morning reading over the past year or so on my blog. It amazes me to see the difference a year makes. Going into 2009, I felt so many things that I'm struggling with as we head into 2010.

I think I spend a lot of time worrying what to write, for a blog, a status, etc... when I should just be writing. For me. If I never post it anywhere, I'll have it to look back on someday and hopefully think “Wow, you've come a long way since then... but what a ride huh?”

I don't want to do a wrap up of 2009. I have no intention of doing that. Talk about the year, the roads taken and not, sure. But there's no way to even begin to try and wrap up anything about the past year. How do you wrap up a year that seems to have wanted nothing more than to test every single thing in your life? Every move, every thought, every feeling. 2009 can bite it, ok? I'm not wrapping him up, I'm not delivering him anywhere with a shiny bow or a smile on my face.

I have never known, until now, just how much you tell yourself that you shouldn't think or feel a certain way. That you should always feel and think kindly, openly. Yeah, it would be amazing if it worked that way. But it doesn't. You may not want to feel something... guess what? You do anyway, regardless of what “should” or “shouldn't” thinks, and all you end up doing? Is feeling a hundred times worse for having an emotion in the first place. How could I think such a thing, feel this way... Because we're human beings, flawed and imperfect. Selfish and fearful. That doesn't make bad people- it makes people people.

I had thought I was done with these feelings, done with questioning, wondering... Is everything a test? EVERYTHING? When do I get a pass? When do the tests get easier, the answers come faster? Why is there always such struggle and hurt with these tests? Because you have to face the monsters in the closet someday. You have to learn who you really are, under all the walls and fears, the anger, the joy... who are you? Where is your strength? How far are you willing to go to find the way, find yourself? What will all of this crap teach you? What won't it teach you is the question.

I get that life isn't a destination, and that we are constantly learning and changing. We have to accept and move on, adapt and change with the rest of the world.. but we don't have to do it immediately, without protest, without wondering just what the point is.

The point is to find your balance. Yours. Not his, hers, anyone else's. Just yours. Find that, and the rest will seem a little easier. Just a little. At the end of the day, you have to make peace with yourself before you can with anyone else. And you have to accept that you aren't always going to be the person you want to be, with all the perfect responses that you “should” have. It just doesn't work that way. We don't work that way, and really? How boring would it be if we all had the same response to everything, the perfect answer to all of these questions, a 100% on every test? You wouldn't learn nearly as much... and you sure wouldn't have as much fun.

Do I always look at the woman in the mirror and find that contentment? Not by a long shot. But I think she's ok, most of the time. And I know her heart, those pieces she doesn't share with anyone but herself, and that I find peace with. Because only I know what's really in there, underneath all I say and do, all I show to the world. And that heart is a good one, albeit a cautious, sometimes cynical one. That heart has carried me through a lot of things, has broken a thousand times, and has loved beyond anything I ever imagined. That's an accomplishment.

I don't know what the next year will bring. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I wish sometimes that I did. It would make life a lot easier. But, life isn't made to be easy, is it? Life is about risking and searching. Learning, falling, and getting up again, each scar a sign of something you have come through, something may have knocked the wind out of you, but in the end, you did get up. Maybe a little less confident, maybe a little more jaded- but you got up. Sometimes that alone is the lesson- that you can get up again. You can brush yourself off, pick up the pieces, and rearrange them to make something different. And who knows? That something different may turn out to be what was supposed to be, all along.

Stories

So, I'm sitting here with an open Word document, and somehow, the words are flying. There's a fresh pot of coffee in the kitchen, and at the moment, it seems that I could type for hours. I suddenly have so much to say, and it just won't stay hidden anymore.

I have to admit, hearing the sounds my fingers are making, flying over the keys with no hesitation (and hopefully very few typos), I feel such a sense of relief. Writing, good writing, clear writing, has been impossible for so long... it's like finally scratching that awful itch you can never quite get to. But, one day, your angle is just... right... and then... ahhhhh. Finally.

Sometimes, when you least expect it, there is a light that shines in your direction, when the road is dark and you feel that no matter where you turn, which direction you choose, it isn't the right one. There is always a choice, sometimes you are simply so blinded by all you're dealing with, thinking, feeling...it just seems there are no more choices. But then there's a word, a song, a paragraph, a voice. The the lights come on, sometimes slowly, sometimes all at once, and you think “Yes! There it is! How did you know?”

This year has been a very long one for me and those I love, in as many different ways as you could possibly think of. There have been amazingly great times, and amazingly awful ones- very little this year has made middle of the road. I kept waiting for it to, but it never quite found that stride. And in wanting it so badly, I lost mine too.

I've been fumbling for a long time, wondering, waiting, searching without any idea where I was supposed to be going. I know it's somewhere special, I know there is something I'm supposed to be doing, and this year, for the first time, I think I truly lost sight of what it had always been. Writing has been my lifesaver for as long as I can remember, and yet, I could barely string two sentences together. I think that took something from me, and finding it again was something I had to fight for. I've worked so hard to keep it all together that it all just... sort of fell apart.

I have to let go, of so many things, and doing that has been an uphill battle. But it has to go- all of it, the excess baggage standing there in the corner, weighing me down and keeping me from truly taking a step forward and getting on with the business of making a life worth retelling someday. Because if that isn't what I'm doing, every day, then what am I doing here?

Where is it coming from, this clarity? From a voice, of course. A paragraph, a phrase. A new blog that has touched me on a lot of levels and given me some insight that is long overdue.I'm Listening is more than just my mother in law's blog :). She has a voice and a way with words that reach pretty deep. Be sure and give her a read- you won't be disappointed.

I'm not going to promise to be back soon, or talk much about the coming year. I'm just going to do. I'm tired of talking about what I'm going to do, or want to do, or need to do. I want to talk about what I'm doing, what I've done, what's actually going on, and not going to be.

I want to tell you stories, fiction and non. But more than that? I want to listen to my children tell the stories someday, and be able to truly cherish what they are saying, what they remember, what I remember. Because a the end of the day, it isn't about the happy ending. It's all about the story.

Family

When life throws you a curve ball, you have to learn how to swing. You also have to learn what sort of curves are acceptable, and which ones are potentially hurtful to those in your life, or to yourself. When it comes to family, I suppose I'm a strange bird- I'm a firm believer that blood is not always thicker, and family doesn't always mean those who share it. The people who share your life, your childrens' lives... those are family. People who have the memories of the first boy you loved, the boy who put a ring on your finger, and the ones who didn't. The times the world fell around you, and they were there picking up every last piece with you, whether they were actually WITH you or cheering you on from a distance. It's past, it's now, it's tomorrow... it's who you love and are there for, and those you share your holidays, your childrens' birthdays.. hell, your any days, with. The people you don't have to dress up for, or feel out of sorts with, and the ones just as comfortable hanging out in your mess of a kitchen while you cook or have a glass of wine as they are in their own.

We have an open, extended, mixed bag of family. We each have sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles. We have parents, children, cousins, and their respective significant others we always accept with open arms. We have friends we've known forever, or feel we have. We have a lot of love, warmth and laughter- and my children have grown up only knowing acceptance, and thankfully, surrounded by a support system that is unfailing.

I push for that. I am very opinionated when it comes to that. I make no excuses, and have no apologies for encouraging, or discouraging, relationships that have an effect on the kids. They are first, always. Nothing and no one changes that. Ever. We are very much on the same page with that, he and I, though we have very different ways of reacting to things. I will absolutely say something, usually several things. He remains silent, probably in part because he doesn't do confrontation. Partly because he knows his wife too well, and knows if anyone is going to step up and say or do something, it will more than likely be me.

I don't do lies, manipulations or one ups. I don't push my kids aside for anyone. I don't do rude or anything of the kind. and I'm done with tiptoeing, tired of his feelings being hurt, tired of the kids' feelings being hurt, and trying not to rock the boat.

So here it is. Plain, simple, to the point. There will be no hoop jumping, no tiptoeing, no anything of that sort. There is no not talking about the kids- they are his life and mine. There is no "including" when it comes to them- this is theirs already. Any being included certainly does NOT refer to them. And everyone can deal with it or not- I really don't care either way.

I have opened my life, our life, in ways that anyone else in my shoes probably wouldn't have. Given the lack of trust and the adults in this situation, I'd have every right not to. But, I did, for them, because they needed it. They needed me to be that person. And I have been. Until it's the same old story.

Um.... Yeah....

Since it may be awhile before I post something even remotely interesting, and even longer before I post any actual "writing", I send you all to this creative writing post I did ages ago. Like I said then, the story itself had nothing to do with the article posted, or anything even remotely in common with the actual events. The rest of the explanation was almost 100% true. I DO have a manuscript in 8th grade handwriting that resembles this piece. I DID (and DO) have a friend named Teresa Kawa and that bet did exist. But, stories change. People change. And this entry will never cease to bring me to tears. For every reason.