The Way I Am

First off, for any unanswered emails, unreturned phone calls, etc., I apologize. I have been on the internet only to play mindless games on Facebook the last few days. LOL You are not forgotten, I am simply taking a moment to collect myself and have some space.

I think if I were to have a "group response", if there was such a thing in the varying circumstances I'm dealing with right now, I would be able to say the exact same things to 99% of the people I HAVE dealt with in the last week. That is kind of sad, to me. But I think that it's a perfect example of how a lot of people feel sometimes.

It's almost as if people paint their own portrait of you, of who you are, and sometimes they get a little right. Sometimes a lot. But, still, it's their portrait- and nine times out of ten, they paint you as they need you to be, for them. Not for cruel reasons, for the most part. But to fill a space, to fit a need... there are a million reasons people do things.

But they just don't get it, you know? They see pieces, but never the entire painting. Never the entire person under the surface. They don't want to. That makes you more real, and sometimes that isn't shallow enough for people to look. People don't want deep. They say they do, think they do. But they don't. Deep isn't safe. Deep is having and keeping, not wanting and thinking. There is a very big difference there, one I am smart enough to notice now.

Deep are the people who have had your back, always, without question. When you are at your lowest, sinking, and the world is crashing, the people who stay with you are the ones who want deep. They want the good and bad, the shit and the roses, and all of the in between. Friends, family, significant others... if they walk with you through the shit holding your hand, they've looked at the portrait you paint of yourself. If they turn their backs on you, disappear? They see a flaw in the portrait they painted, and that? Isn't someone who has your back.

I attempt to surround myself and my children with the deep ones, though those are few and rare. Although I have made errors in my judgment on who those are and are not, at times. I am not weak, or stupid. I'm simply someone that only a small handful of people in my life have taken time to actually see. And I'm as guilty of it as anyone else, I'm not saying I'm the poor misunderstood one. We all are, in our own ways. I'm just tired of people's bullshit. I'm tired of my own bullshit.

I figure at this point, I'm going to let the chips fall. I know who I can truly count on, at the end of the day, and that is all that matters. I'm all about the black and white right now. I have too many things to do, without dealing with other people's shades of grey.

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