In the center of the chaos, life is still going on. The kids are as busy as ever, and I find myself wanting to make more memories, take more pictures, do more with them, for them. I want them to enjoy the minute between dances, so to speak. There are no questions, now, just getting on with life, and for a minute, it's like it never was.
I can't let that give me time to relax though. There is no "never was" or rewind on this. There is "what next", "how..." and everything else going with it. There is acceptance, someday, once the bitter fades. That is, if some don't continue to feed the fire.
I don't want to be angry. I also don't appreciate this being flung at me and my children, and it has. Our lives are shifted, theirs more so by watching the dynamic in the house, and hearing the thoughts of those outside of it.
Maybe it's time to explain some things. J has another child. Not from when we were together, from before. They have never had a relationship, and just this summer, he had paternity proven to move forward in establishing a relationship. The child is twelve, and we have all lived in the same town this entire time. The kids have gone to school together, know one another, and are now finding out that they are siblings. Or at least mine are- we can't get any real answers on what is known or unknown on the other end.
There is a very long, winding story behind all of this, but I'm not as unbiased as I would have been a few months ago to tell it. Now I feel it would be a mud slinger, and I'm not willing to do that publicly. Mistakes were made, and continue to be made. This isn't news, but it's still life changing. And now? Isn't so different from then. There's still the power struggle, and still the attempt at "get rid of her before you can have anything to do with..." only now, it isn't a "her", it's a "them"- and my children and I aren't budging. Thanks for trying!!!
I'm tired of struggling with it. I'm tired of being lied to, and being made into the bad guy. I'
m tired of feeling that my family is completely dispensable for this- and again, I'm right in thinking this child's best interests are behind the adult manipulations and games.
This is not then. I'm not twenty years old anymore. I'm not going to sit quietly by and watch my kids be shoved around to please another woman, or feel as if we are simply what happened instead. As far as I'm concerned, I have my family right in front of me- my kids and I are that unit. At least they know that, and they know I'd never sell them out for anyone else.
I feel sorry for anyone trying to mess with that-I am actually out to protect what's mine. Not to cause the next world war and send my kid into the middle of it. I do not understand, never have, why it's always been ok for a child to be the casualty.