Rolling With the Tide

When I sink my teeth into an idea, really into it, I go forward without ever really looking back. consequences, repercussions... whatever you want to call them... don't really figure into it. Usually, they are what led me to where I'm at, to that point where I just throw my hands up and say "Know what? This is the way it is, so this is where it's going."

I'm tired. Tired of living around others' choices and decisions, waiting for people to make the right decisions, the right moves... wondering how what someone else does is going to make or break a day, a week, a year... my life. I'm tired of waiting, waiting, waiting, and wondering. I'm simply... tired.

I never know where I truly stand, with anyone. I'm the stand-by, the back-up, the always there when there's nothing better. You know what? I am the something better. I'm tired of being treated as runner up in a contest that, honestly, isn't that great anyway.

I am the listener, the shoulder, the reliable. None of those are bad things; those are good qualities, and not one would I change. What needs to change is the idea that I'm the comfortable place to be when the exciting is too hard, or unavailable, or just out of reach.

I feel this way because I've allowed myself to be treated this way; I've allowed myself to take what I'm given instead of demanding what I deserve. If I give my all, I deserve it in return... not to be unhappy or unsettled because my give is not my get.

The changes keep coming, and I'm going with them. I'm tired of waiting, watching, questioning, needing, wanting and complaining. I'm so goddamn sick of the past, and paying for things that i didn't do. I'm sick of being the one with the table scraps.

It's time for more. Because I am more. Guess it's time to prove it.