I'm tired. I'm tired, tired of being tired, and wish I felt at least half as heartless as it's easy for some to believe. Maybe then I wouldn't be so tired. I'd be able to get mad, laugh it off and just go on without a second thought as to how things I say and do, choices I make, have a ripple effect. Maybe then I'd just do whatever suited me and not give a damn about the damages it caused, the wearing away it can bring, or the chaos that comes from making selfish decisions. Maybe I wouldn't worry about a month from now, a year from now, ten years from now. I'd just think what was easiest, most convenient, for me, and let everything fall apart under my feet as I used people and events to step on as I sailed through, not caring who I wound or what scars are left behind. Sounds like an accurate portrayal of heartless, doesn't it?
But see, I have this little voice inside that just doesn't allow for that. I think it's a Jiminy Cricket kind of thing... you know, my conscience? Don't presume to know what I'm thinking or feeling. Don't assume I don't struggle, haven't struggled. You have no idea. You aren't in my mind, or in my heart. You see glimpses, fragments, what I give you to see. And very few look deeper, look around at the reality of things. I am made out as if I have all these things to atone for... I'll make you a deal. I'll take responsibility for the mess in my backyard when you take responsibility for putting it there. How's that?
I'm not always patient, and I'm not always easy. But not one thing comes for looking out for me above anyone else. You lose that luxury when you becomes “we”, and it disappears completely when “we” becomes “all of us”. Then, you look out for them first. At least, that's how I was raised.
Look around. Think about it. I have bent over backward for this situation, in more ways than one. Do you really think it was something I looked forward to, considering? Do you think I find it fun? Absolutely not. But I've done it. I've talked, I've supported, I've gone out of my way to open doors and lines and do what needed to be done. Because it was the right thing. And I did it simply because nobody else was going to. Every single step in this has come from having me in the midst of it all, trying to push the chaos out of the way to get to the heart of it- not because I owe anyone anything, but because others did.
But I will not do that at anyone's expense. I'm hearing too many familiar tunes these days, and being a woman in her thirties is a lot different than a girl in her twenties. Should be, anyway. So I am not making those decisions or moving another piece of this mountain. I'm not putting my family into the fire, or listening to how unimportant they are in the grand scheme of things. Because that's really what you're saying, even when you aren't saying it. I've heard it for a week now, and I'm tired. I'm done, and I choose to step back before I say what I really am thinking. Believe me, that is, most assuredly, for the best. Because I'm not perfect, or patient or always kind. And the things I'm thinking.... are better left as thoughts.
I will leave this now to the people who should have cleaned it up in the first place- we'll see how that goes. I am not the only one who has grown, changed. I am not the only one who hears the same old tune here, I'm not the only one unimpressed. I'm also not worried- I see the differences, the reality. So I will sit back and let the chips fall where they may.
I may be outspoken, and I will probably always get my point across through words. Not everyone does, however. Some people say a hundred more things with their silence than I could ever say with a word. Sometimes, saying nothing? Says it all.