I'd Put Myself First, Make the Rules as I Go....

I love being asked how I feel about things. Why? So I can tell you, and you can go on and do whatever it is you want to, anyway? What's the point in sharing anything with people who are simply going to use it against you? I ask “how do you feel about it?” when I'm only seriously considering an opinion, not when I'm looking for more leverage, or a different way to rub people's faces in things. Different strokes, I suppose. But, you did ask. So you must want to know how I “feel” about things. Why not. What do I possibly have to lose at this point? Let me “share” with you., then, just how I do feel about things-

Shut up. Just shut up, I'm done listening, and I'm done hearing about it. I'm sick of thinking about it, of having to “sort it out”, of having it come into everyday life and f**k up everyone's emotions and take my time. I'm sick of the joy being sucked out of things, or moments, because there's always something to be interjected, or read, or answered. I'm sick of this entire thing, and I'm beyond tired of being expected to handle it for everyone. I'm not a secretary, I'm not here to be the cord in between two cans in a ridiculous game of Telephone for people who are obviously incapable of making adult choices without someone running behind them to clean up their spills and wipe their asses for them. I'm over being the clean up crew- believe me, neither of you deserve that courtesy. After the way things have been, I'd consider it lucky if you're given the time of day. And even that is becoming a hardship for me. I have been pushed aside, disrespected, lied on, lied to, and expected to move this mountain that I didn't put here. But it seems that unless some can sit back and point fingers, there is nothing to be done. Or if I'm not going to do it, it won't be done. Then... it won't be done. Don't do it. I'm certainly not going to. I've seen enough true colors the last week or so to realize that people really don't change. They just get better at hiding who they really are, more manipulative in getting their way. More... devious.... because that's one word that always applies.

And I'm done. I've had more than my fill of this bullshit, and I'm too old for these stupid games. Find someone else to play, find another group of people to pay for your sins, over and over and over again. I'm tired of being kicked when I'm down, being expected to put my life on hold to fix everyone else's, and then have it used against me if I'm not happy about it. No, I'm not happy about it. How can I be? Look past yourselves, and your convenient means to an end. It's very much about the same things, or I wouldn't be hearing the things I have. So many “points” to be proven, so many jabs to take. I don't have to take a jab, though- all I have to do is remind myself that things really do speak for themselves. So, whatever builds you up, I guess- and knocking me down seems to be the common goal.

I have seen more respect given to a stranger on the street, and I'm over that, too. We'll see how well the machine runs. Or for how long. Everyone wants to be in charge, make all the decisions, dictate shit to me? Go right ahead and give it a shot- I'm already halfway out the door- please push me a little further. I'm not anyone's doormat, anyone's maid and I'm sure as shit not wasting genuine emotion on people who use it against me. I've bent over backward and gotten nothing but slammed for it, so I won't bend any longer. I accommodate the people who give in return- that's as complicated as I'm going to let it get. I don't owe anyone anything, other than what they have given to me. I'm tired of being reminded of things- I'm not a dog, so rubbing my nose in things will only teach me one lesson- you are not worth my time.

So, bring it on- I could really care less at this point. I'm going to take care of my children, enjoy my friends and the rest of our summer. I'll do my thing- and my thing does not include any of this. Whatever will be, will be- but not with me.