I keep opening my Word program, or coming here and clicking "Create"... then I just sit there. The paper in my Word program isn't touched. I type a couple lines here, get disgusted with it, and just move on to something else. When I'm not writing, there's a problem.
I have been shaking my head a lot the last two weeks at people. I've seen the ugliest sides of myself and have questioned myself, J, and everyone around me, about everything. I've wanted to step in front of my family, and at the same time I've wanted to throw my hands up and get the hell out of this neverending circus.
But that's what it comes back to. My family. My husband and my children, and doing what I have to for them, and for me, to be happy, and safe. I'm tired of our lives being twisted and turned because of things that happened years ago, situations that have never been handled properly, even now. But why should it be, right? Why should it ever be more than head games and pissing contests?
Want to know why? Because now I'm involved, and now my children are involved. There will be no more of the bullshit- my main priority actually is my kids, not myself. My worries are for them, my wants are for them... and when anyone attempts to dismiss that? Put them behind anyone else? That is the final step in this ridiculous, childish, dumb ass dance I've been watching ever since J and I got together.
So, cross your fingers for us, Internet. Pray for us, our family... all of it... as we make some choices and some changes, and shift a balance that has never been really on our side. Life isn't a game. Childrens' lives, especially. Maybe it's time some people learned that.