3/9/08

Ahh, some clarity....

First, thank you for the support about my last post. It was hard, but steps often are, and it was a much needed one. It is, unfortunately, up to us to let go of and move on from our pasts, and those who shaped it negatively. Because they won't, even if they could. People tend to recoil from the idea they've done something to harm, be it physically or emotionally. And no one will admit to leaving a scar, if they can get out of it.

I did feel I needed to say something- I do not hate my mother. I did, in some ways for a long time, but it's truer to say I hated the actions and words that came from her, rather than actually hating her. Because there comes a point when hating someone does nothing but hold you back- something I have learned a lot about lately, and am still learning every day. Because there are some hatreds you can't let go of as easily, some scars that tend to reopen when life gets too quiet or small towns are too small.

So, I don't hate my mother. I feel sorry for her now, looking back. I honestly think it was beyond her control, a lot of what she did and said, a lot of what she felt. She could have taken steps, yes, to change things- but I don't think she believed anything was wrong with her. It was never her, it was everyone else. A mentality saved for those without conscience, or those in total denial, as well as the mentally ill. She fell into the last category, and I can (mostly) wrap my head around that. She did not have an excuse, but there was, at least, a reason.

Sometimes, that is enough. As for the other.... I don't know when or if I'll completely be done with feeling how I do about it. That's another story for another day, though. Even though, for some types of betrayal, there is never a good enough reason.

3 comments:

Angela said...

No, there is not. My mother and your mother? Tons in common, I'm thinking.

Autumn LeBeau said...

That, my friend, is truly a scary thought.

jennifer h said...

Add me to that list, please.

But I'm sorry for you that you had those experiences. It's good that you don't feel hatred. I've decided that feeling anger about something that happened can be different than hating the person caused it. At this point in my life, I am just curious about everything that happened earlier in life to these women, and why they were so ill-equipped to become parents.

"...some scars that tend to reopen when life gets too quiet or small towns are too small."

That is beautifully written.