My newbie hits the big “2″ today- two months, that is. It’s a weird thing, this passing of time with kids. For me, it seems like the time is flying and dragging at the same time. Like the days sometimes are never ending, but you blink and a month has come and gone.
The first weeks are almost a blur now (probably a mix of saving one’s sanity and the sleep deprivation) but I look at her and wonder, already, where it’s gone. She is more alert now, holds her head up almost perfectly, and has a wicked grin that makes her eyes dance. She is a blend of her father and me, more so than her brother and sister. They both have his build, his hair color, and an interesting mix of his blue eyes and my weird, amberish eyes. The newbie is built more like me, her hair is dark (so far) like mine, and she has some of my facial features. Not a mini-me, but close. Except she’s a lot better looking.
Somewhere in the midst of it all, the desperation has faded (some) without my noticing. The sleep schedule is a little more tolerable and my nerves are a little (not much) less frayed. It was hard this time around, and it still is. I’m not going to lie about it; it’s been almost impossible on some days to do much more than hide in the bathroom and cry. I’m still saying it’s my hormones “readjusting”, but these “hormones” have shifted more after each baby, and not really ever readjusted completely.
Perhaps I’m in denial, or simply listening to the inner voice, as well as the voices of others, telling me to suck it up, get over it, deal with it. It’s not PC to be unhappy or angry when you have a beautiful baby, and two other beautiful, smart and interesting kids.
Thank God I’m not usually PC. About anything. Because, you know what? I do get angry and unhappy. I do have a tendency to be pessimistic and I sure as hell lean toward the overly sensitive side of the fence. There are ways to combat that, I know, and I’m finding them. Slowly.
But I’ll tell you one thing- this girl right here next to me, with her daddy’s eyes and the biggest gummed-out grin? She can reach in and yank out my heart by just lookin’ my way. And that, these days, takes a miracle.