I've been on this journey lately. Well, I've always been on this journey, but now I am more aware of it, and more open to making it without the inhibitions or walls. I've slowly stopped checking what I say before I say it, stopped softening my opinions of thoughts based on who may or may not be offended. I always say I'm doing that.... Maybe I have been. But things have changed, I have changed. I'm adapting to this life I'm taking part in building and it seems to be opening doors I had kept closed for far too long.
I used to worry what people thought of me, my family. It used to bother me if it seemed someone was judging, looking down, or feeling smug. It doesn't anymore... know why? Because we all have our crap. Skeletons, secrets, things we've done, said, been, that we shouldn't have, or wish we hadn't.... Show me someone who doesn't. Seriously- show me one person who doesn't have at least one thing they aren't proud of.
But it isn't about that. It isn't about the facade, the game face. It's about being balls to the wall, and showing the world just who you are, no regrets, no apologies. And if they don't like it, don't like you... why are you wasting your time?
Here's the thing- we put the fun in dysfunction, this bunch and I. We play, fight and love the same way- at the top of our lungs. We are messy, moody, cluttered and happy. We laugh at each other, with each other. There is constant noise and chaos in this house, never a dull moment. We drive each other crazy. We get sick of one another, we get tired of doing just one more thing.... It's life. It's imperfect. There are cracks and seams, dustbunnies and dirt. It happens.
But, see that's what I'm talking about. That imperfection? Is the most amazing thing. We are so completely without pretense. We're one hundred percent real- blemishes and all. We've been through hell and back again for a hundred different things, but at the end of it all, there was always something that held it together. There was a glue, a permanence that comforted me at the same time that it drove me insane. I needed it even when all I wanted to do was get away from it.
I've spent so much time fighting the tide, pushing at the doors to keep them closed. I've been so consumed with being afraid, with being right, with putting everything in these little boxes with labels that I didn't even see it in front of me. This is it. This crazy, heartbreaking, awe inspiring stuff? This is life, this is the one time deal... And I'm done wasting it. I'm done thinking about what happened yesterday, six months ago, six years ago. It happened. I don't care anymore... I put up with a lot of shit. I gave a lot of it too.... but know what? If you put up with it then, shut up about it now. That's going to get you somewhere believe me. It's going to give you some peace.
What it comes down to, for me, is if I'm second guessing everything based on what people are going to say, then that's my problem. If they are judging or looking down, then I've surrounded myself with the wrong people. I don't think I have, I don't think they are. The more I open this door, the more I see how easy it really is to love and to be loved- just by letting the rest of it go.
Be happy. Be you, whoever that is. The people that truly love you are going to be right there with you, pulling for you. Pushing you to think, to feel, to find your way. Giving you the hard truths and the biggest laughs. Those are the things that matter when it's all said and done. The rest is just decoration.