WARNING: The following post may be a mix of some pretty heavy stuff and some nervous "haha" or "LOL" moments thrown in, because I am not someone very comfortable in my own skin. There, I've said it. Whether I attempt to shrug things off or not, I am very, very aware how judgmental people can be (thank you Mom) and that no matter who you are, some are going to dislike you. (Not everyone, just some.) So, bear with me as I stumble through this a little. Or a lot. Because I will.
I won't bore you with the psychology of how people never escape their childhoods unscathed. We all have our issues, memories and such, good bad and ugly. Mine were there for looooong before I even knew what they were, or where they came from. I think it actually dawned on me when Lyss went to school, without fear. And made friends, played, did all those things. Without fear... of failing, of having all the other kids hate her, etc. Why wasn't she like that, like I'd been? Ohhh, yeah- because I didn't pound into her head that no one was really her friend, everyone was untrustworthy and would at some point stab her in the back! THAT'S why! I didn't take the time to give her paranoia as a lifelong companion. I did not give her the constant need to watch every word and action because someone wouldn't like it- and I didn't make her feel small and stupid for her feelings, on anything. So she blooms, more every day. And she's had it all come her way so simply, without a second thought. She isn't afraid of anything- and that's how it should be.
Me? I'm an interesting mix of genetics and learned behavior and emotion. The genetics gives me the not giving a rat's ass what people think- if you like me, great. if not, eh, your loss. That part is great- when it overcomes the rest. The "ohmygod don't say THAT.. no one will like you/ talk to you/ love you/ read your stuff/ listen...." You see where I'm going.
It's taken almost thirty years to reach a point where I can (almost ) always speak my mind and not inwardly cringe, for fear of ridicule. I was terrified (how stupid is this??) to post about NKOTB when I did, because of how some people might look at me. Or laugh at me.
I have a lot I work through, daily. I am overly sensitive to any sort of criticism- I automatically feel both embarrassed and angered at the slightest hint of someone being critical. I have the worst temper of anyone I think anyone could ever meet, and sometimes it scares me. I feel like I have to be a different person for everyone- and I don't. Or shouldn't anyway. Mainly, I feel like all the pieces of me have never truly connected. But I'm working on it.
That is my goal for 2008- truly connect. I've seen all these different facets of me in action, and I think, all together, they make a pretty great gal. Of course, that's up for debate, LOL.